Sorry Tesla, but your Auto Park system is rubbish ... and here's why

A Tesla Model S has gone 100 per cent ‘bad valet’ in Queensland.

I’m John Cadogan from AutoExpert.com.au, and I get new cars cheap for buyers here in ‘Straya. https://autoexpert.com.au/contact

Some would say Tesla is (at least in part) a religion. Therefore, this report is tantamount to ‘heresy’. 

I do apologise (almost) for what I am about to say, and beg forgiveness from Pope Elon the First and (of course) Electric Jesus. (And isn’t it funny how they’ve never been seen in the same room together. Just saying.)

Recently, 80-year-old senior Shitsvillian finance wizard Noel Whittaker, AM, author of 22 books on money, apparently went out (quietly) and joined the cult of Electric Jesus, and procured for himself a $175,000 Tesla Model S. I don’t know why, when he could have had a perfectly fine BMW. Anyway...

So the finance dude’s Tesla has Auto Park. And, he’s at the shopping mall reversing into a parking spot, as you do.

Electric Jesus reaches out, using The Force, and says ‘Would you like to use Auto Park?’ On the message centre. The Whitt-meister goes ‘OK’. Hits the button. Like: ‘approved’. Mission control: We are ‘go’ for autonomous parking. Release the friggin’ robot.

The mighty Model S obediently engages Auto Park … and immediately crashes itself into the brick wall behind. (According to Mr Whittaker.)

Which I think you’d agree is the ideal outcome … endlessly entertaining for you and me, and of course perfect for journalism generally. The swan-eater emerges from the wreckage, thankfully unhurt, promptly calls Tesla, and they go (I’m paraphrasing): It’s entirely your fault mate - there’s no way we’re paying the $8000 repair bill. That’s down to you.

There’s a certain sympathetic dimension - a degree of anticipated commiseration and empathy - which, I would argue, is entirely absent from that exchange.

The Cult’s position on this is - apparently - that ‘Auto Park’ is just a name, and you still have to be in charge when you let EJ’s mad parking robot off the chain. Which kinda forces me to ponder if perhaps the meaning of the word ‘automatic’ is in some way ambiguous.