Hitting the Brakes: Setting Boundaries to Align Expectations with Sustainable Performance with Regan Shorter

Hello and welcome to Authentic On AIr with Bruce Alexander. I am your host, Bruce Alexander. I am excited to have on the line with me today from beautiful Puerto Rico, Regan Shorter, a friend and former neighbor who has had a very unique impact on my life. More about that, after today’s reflection. Are you expected to play a role in any of your relationships that makes you feel uncomfortable or even like you have to be somewhat someone that you believe you are not could ever be a good thing.

How does that make you feel? Better or contented? Conflicted or committed? I think this question is crucial to being self-aware. As always, I am genuinely interested and would love to hear any interesting, surprising or revelation or insights uncovered. So you can hit me up on Instagram, Facebook threads, or LinkedIn, and often identity management. My family and I moved across from Regan and possibly the quiet, quite possibly the strangest period of my life. The COVID pandemic.

This is not a story about COVID 19. That stage HOG has already gobbled up enough limelight. However, during that period, a star did emerge to steal the show of my story. Kindness. Kindness is manifested often in the form our kindness had manifested, often in the form of a young couple who appeared often outside of my front yard than their driveway just hanging up. Also in the arena, it began with exchanging pleasantries while Austin was out grilling or work on his bike.

This slowly developed into longer conversations and family introductions. As an extrovert banished to obscurity by nationwide isolation, every new connection was a reprieve from depression. Everyone was scared and receding into their shells. But for some reason beyond me, this couple let me at Regan is here with me, so I will speak singularly of her. ADHD for me also means that I am pursuing a variety of new ventures or revisiting old hobbies in new ways.

She is the only person from outside of my home that I can recollect having called on everything and she has been so supportive and encouraging whether it has been buying a plate. When I fired at the smoker or volunteering her time to model when I was in school for photography. Now she is here as a guest on my podcast. Regan Shorter without me realizing it, you have become the biggest investor and majority shareholder in the enterprise that is Bruce.

Thank you. And hello Regan. Wow. Thank you, Bruce. I didn't know about that. So sweet. I'm super excited to be here. You have really supported everything I've done. And you always done it with such a great attitude and you've been so kind and giving with your time and like, a camera crew. And I'm using one of the lighting stands you gave me right now. And you. You really helped me get to this moment. And I appreciate it. So much. Well, thank you for saying that. I don't know.

I always try to bs it because this is what I would want when I was asking someone for help or if I'm starting something new. You don't always get that in creative spaces or in really anything, right when you're entering into it. People aren't always super generous or helpful. And I had experiences in the past, right, where it's like I was just like a couple steps away from where I wanted to be and I couldn't figure out how to get there.

And when I would ask people, you know, they weren't always very forthcoming with advice, or I'd be like, they tell you 50%, but not like 100%. And so that was something that always really irked me. And so I try not to be like that. But at least with my next question I was going to ask, if you are aware of the kindness you were bestowing upon me while you were doing. No, I mean, not to the extent you just described. Like I said, I try to be like nice and think, you know, the classic golden rule.

Do unto others as you'd like done onto yourself. I don't know if that's the exact phrasing, but that same kind of thing. But I don't really think about it. I love talking about the stuff that we talk about anyway. And so for me it's fun. Like I get a break out of my day to just like talk shop with someone who likes to say things of me, which I don't always get to do. So it doesn't feel like I'm like, Oh, charity, you know what I mean? I'm glad I was in this. I'm such a good person.

I honestly, you know, I didn't I didn't really realize that like, I was always very complimentary. And she was like, she's so nice, you know, very helpful. I always told my wife, Regan, it's helping me with that is Regan is, you know, offered this and it's helpful. But then I was writing the intro and I was considering how many times I called on you, and I realized that I'd never called it anybody else that much like my best friend. My best friend.

I didn't ask to do photos of me and my other friends had do photos, but I never asked, you know, to do this or that. And I realized that my neighbor from across the street, I had up for everything. I was just so. Just taken by how nice you guys were. I wanted to always give you the opportunity. And it was, you know, the opportunity to say no. And that's something that a lot of people are afraid to do. But I enjoyed being around both, you know, both Austin and yourself.

So I was out there and if you said, no, you know, I could handle that. But you never do. Yeah. You know, and I really hope that that's not attributed to me being a bulldozer. And you just being like, No. Not at all. Not at all. Like I said, like, I enjoy it. So when I get that opportunity to just do that stuff for me, it's fun. To go, Well, that's that's really good to hear, especially thinking about how terrible I was on that first photoshoot. Just not I mean, I knew how to take pictures.

But you weren't, though, Bruce. It felt like I was fumbling my way through that deal and I always feel like I'm sweating so bad. I guess I'm making everybody uncomfortable with my massive sweat. That's what's You're not at all. Also, when I think about that shoe and like, I don't know, I tend to move at a slower pace. I think about where you were in comparison to when you started, like and where I was and that same time frame. And you're fantastic in comparison to what I was.

I mean, so genuinely, you should be very proud of yourself. Well, thank you so much. I really do appreciate it. It's not just the time and the but like I said, I've been so supportive. So let's back up a little bit for our listeners and can you introduce yourselves, tell people who you are, what you spend your time doing, and why you think I had you on the show. Yeah, well, it's funny.

Let you mention your ADHD and always doing something new because I feel like every year I pick a new thing that I do. And so it's hard to say, you know, who am I? What do I do? Because I feel like it changes constantly. But according to my bio, no. So I I'm a photographer and content creator. I do a little bit of both. So it started out because I went to school for marketing. I love business. I love the creative side of it.

But then when I graduated, I found that I actually do not like working in marketing at all. It was something that I love studying in school that I didn't like, but something that had always captivated me was photography. I got into photography in high school because I used to love fashion blogs, and so from that it was like, Oh, I started a blog. So I needed to learn photography. Oh, in college, people needed headshots, so I started taking headshots.

After college, I moved abroad, so I started taking more travel photo photos and I made YouTube videos. And so all of this has kind of come full circle again. And now it's where I'm back in business and marketing, but I'm actually helping people and businesses create their marketing materials, whether those are photos or videos for social media. Yeah, that's I like how well it's worked out for you because it gives me hope.

You know, I've gotten into several different things that I really enjoy lately, and none of them have netted money yet. That's okay. Yeah. You know. Yeah, it takes time. It's hard. It definitely does. And I'm working on being patient. I think that's, you know, a very great quality that a lot of ADHD people definitely struggle with. And I'm working on it and I struggle to. But it sounds like you found success early if you were already doing headshots in college or are you getting paid? Mm hmm.

Yeah, that was actually, I would say, the beginning of when I was taking photos, quote unquote, professionally. So I wasn't making much money. I think I charge like $60 for a session back then. But that's the first time I actually started doing photos for money. And then I also took more like lifestyle images for my sorority at the time. And then, yeah, after college I kind of walked away from it.

But I remember at one point I was talking to one of my managers at my first ever job and also my last real job, quote unquote. And she was like, Why are you here, Regan? Why don't you do photography? And I was like, I don't know. But I think what scared me was that there's so much uncertainty and freelancing and in creative fields, it's like I did it and I wasn't there mentally. I wasn't I wasn't ready to, like, step out on my own and do that. And what gave me the confidence to do that?

Well, it's funny because I did it honestly. I just got tired of doing other stuff, to be honest and so if we flash forward a couple of years, you know, we had moved abroad, we had come back. I was teaching English, but I was working these insane hours. So I'd get up at 2 a.m. and start teaching at 230 in the morning because I was teaching in a different time zone and then I'd finish by nine or 930 in the morning.

But because of that, I didn't really get any free time to see people because I was free during the day when everyone was working. And then I had to go to bed at like 8 p.m.. So I quit that and I got a position and study abroad which was eliminated four months after that. So like in my 2018, 2019, I had this like crazy year where I like, kept trying new things, kept trying new things and everything like kept failing. And so at that point I had seen a flier at a coffee shop for a studio space.

And so I was like, I don't know, let me call money, call this number and see how much this would be. And it was actually a really good price. And so I was like, Well, I think if I work really hard, I can at least, you know, break even on this the first couple of months, hopefully start making money. I was doing, you know, I was networking a lot. And so I had some more of those, like connections with graphic designers and stuff, and they were asking me if I wanted to shoot with them more often.

And so, yeah, good. On January 2020, I was like, Let's just give it a go. I'll try it for this year. We'll see if anything good comes of it. Yeah, What am I waiting for? Well, and around that same time, the landscape shifted dramatically. Yeah, that was a terrible time to start a photography business. Yeah. So, I mean, how did that work? So, full disclosure, I am not the primary breadwinner in our household. So for me, I have, you know, a little bit more flexibility where I can take those risks.

And so I had enough savings where I could, you know, go a couple of months and pay for the studio space regardless of whether I made money or not. Right. But March comes around. I've been shooting the space a bunch. It's fantastic. I love it. I finally feel like I have my own space where I can start taking clients because I was shooting at our house. But it was we had moved into a smaller apartment and so it was just really uncomfortable. And then I was paying for hourly studio rentals.

It was super expensive. And so when March came around, I was like, Oh my God, I don't know if I can go into this studio anymore. I don't know if I'm going to be taking portraits. I don't know what I'm going to be doing. So essentially I terminated that lease early. So I talked to the person who owns the building. I was like, Hey, I can't I can't stay here. I'm so sorry, but I can't stay here. So thankfully, I had referred a bunch of other people who could take my place and they took over for me.

But yeah, then I spent a couple of months trying to figure out like, what I was going to do with my life. Essentially, like laying on the couch, sad, playing my switch, like, what am I going to do? And then I think that fall I took a YouTube course and that is what I've what kind of like pushed me back more into the content creation along with photography. Once things kind of came back in 2021.

I mean, I don't know your finances like, you know, personally, but you were able to take a lot of trips. And if you know Austin as a primary breadwinner, somebody still paying for the, you know, the vacations and the canoeing and the rowing and the K-Pop classes and that you guys lived a pretty active life and that stuff's not cheap. But now I think you're probably doing your part pretty well. And I think that goes a lot to. Say I at least broke even in my business, you know what I mean?

Like every year I've at least broken, even if not, you know, earned more. So it's like that first year I was just like, I don't want to burn money going into this. So, yeah, I mean, we did. I think you have a bit of a, a bit of a habit of shortchanging yourself a little bit because you work with hideaway pizza, be and I think you told me about another big client to work with is. I've worked with the Asian district in Oklahoma City dead center. Am I missing other ones?

When I first got started, I was doing a lot with one of my friends who runs the house. Yeah, jobI I'm sure the response I'm missing. Yeah, but I mean, major labels. So it's. You weren't doing nothing, and I'm. I think it's really interesting that, you know, you, you play all these roles that you don't really claim you're a model for jobI you don't call yourself shrill. I guess I know it's out of convenience. But they like them and they keep coming back to you, right? That's true. That's true.

You are. A model. And instead of saying, you know, I'm a model and concentrate would you say it's like freelance graphic designer And I do some stuff. That's true. That's true. And career, like, that's pretty cool. Thanks. I would love to do that. It's like I'll just create content and take the pictures and be the pictures and watch it. I know it's a lot of work as well, and you know, that's the part that could easily get overlooked.

But whenever you get to control your schedule pretty, you don't have to depend on anybody else for anything. That must be nice. I do love that. I wake up, I sleep in, I go snorkeling in the morning. Sometimes if I don't have to work, I don't work. Not when I have to work. I'm like, Oh, gross. I have to do this. But but I like money. At the end of the day. So I'm like, I'll do it. So would you consider yourself an introvert? Oh, my God, Absolutely. I'm very much an introvert.

Well, it's different, I guess probably I'm an ambivalent because I do enjoy talking one on one with people or like small groups of people. But once we get over maybe like four, I found it extremely overwhelming and overstimulating. And I only have like so much time, like I have maybe like four four hour time block of like socializing before I'm completely done. And then I need like a day to recover. So I am definitely an introvert.

I love spending time alone, not as much now because I spend maybe like too much time alone. But when I was working in an office, I was like, Once I leave, I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone. So I thought that she would say that. And I think it's really interesting because you say that you're definitely an introvert, but you do lots of things that would suggest otherwise. You love going to. Like what.

Variants do you move to Puerto Rico and you go out by yourself to explore in, you know, locations and check out the restaurants and the the local districts. And you I mean, you explore places unknown. That sounds to me not introverted. Well, you know what I'd say? I think I'm friendly. I'm friendly. But at the end of the day, I would prefer to never leave the house. Or if I did leave the house, I would prefer to never see anyone when I do.

But at the same time with my friends, like I love seeing them, I wish I could see them more often. I love meeting them for coffee and chatting, but like strangers, I don't know. I have no interest in carrying on a conversation. Actually, this may be a foreign concept to you because you're so outgoing, but when we go on walks, my partner and I often we will often get stopped by someone who just talks at us for like 15, 20 minutes at a time. And I never know how to leave those conversations.

And they're always excruciating for me, which I hope that doesn't sound like mean. It's just like I feel like an extrovert might invite that, but for me it's like, okay, great. We've done the small talk like, I hope you have a good day, and I genuinely do hope they have a good day. It's just I don't want to keep talking to them. So I think you might suffer from one of my really good friends has it's called Resting Pleasant Face. Probably. Probably it's like invites that conversation.

RB f which I think I do think which is funny because I'm the one like I want to talk to everybody but people don't know me. You think of me and or, you know, I'm serious all the time. And I'm like. Huh. That's weird. So you just have that face that looks like I want to tell you my whole life story. Can only show me all the rocks they found walking around. I'm like, Okay, yeah.

So do you find it a challenge to I mean, you said to, like, escape those conversations, but in your life, do you feel like you often find yourself playing a role that you know is a supporter, like a shoulder to lean on, which makes you be that person who is kind of getting talked that and how do you deal? You know, in my personal life with people I know I don't find myself because I think people that know me know that I'm not the person to go to. Like I'm not that like nurturing type.

I mean that in the nicest way, but like, I'm not the person to cry on their shoulder. I don't have like much good advice to give in that regard. Obviously, with my partner, that's different because I know you know what he needs to hear and stuff like that, but I see it more so in my professional life and I think that he kind of talked about this on her episode is that for me, work and personal life have always been really separate.

And so I have my work personality and the things they know about me. There and then my personality outside of work. And a lot of times they're different. And I just thought that that was always because I had to be a certain way at work, like, you know, I have to be quote unquote professional. And I think as I have started freelancing, there are there are still like moments where I'm like, oh, I should wear this or need to do this. But then I'm like, No, I don't. It's my business.

Like, if they don't want to be on a Zoom call with me with no makeup and a sweatshirt on and dirty hair, then they're not the kind of person that I should be working with. And so now I try to just not put myself in those situations where I feel like I can't be myself now, obviously, because I'm, you know, doing content creation and stuff and it's not always going on my platform. Sometimes you do have to play that role a little bit, but I just view it more as acting like playing a part.

I don't view it as being inauthentic to myself, right? If that makes sense. Totally makes sense. And, you know, authenticity is what I'm all about. People might think that means I think you're fake if you're playing a role. And that's not the case. You know, you have to have to have goals and objectives in your life that you want to meet. And staying true to those and trying to keep the values that you prioritize, you know, save this kind of this kind of a dance.

You have to be able to play and it's a balancing act. So if you're able to do like meet those goals and objectives without sacrificing anything of yourself, fantastic. Like I'm super happy. But sometimes you have to be willing to give and give a little bit. And that might be I mean, I had to put on a jacket for this meeting because it's a restaurant or, you know, whatever it might be something really small to me, but other people might be a huge deal.

You just have to make those decisions and it's hands off to know that you're making that decision. Because what I think is, is authenticity versus doing whatever you're told and not really having any any awareness of how you feel about that until your bitter later on.

Yes, that's so true is but I get myself into situations like that a lot because I get so excited at the beginning of something, but sometimes I don't fully realize what I'm taking on and then I get in the weeds of it and I'm like, Oh my God, I've made a huge mistake. And then I try not to do that. I try not to resent people in my head because I'm like, Well, I said yes to doing this. Like I agreed to it, but instead I try to just make a mental note of like, next time, Regan, don't do this again.

Finish it because we don't quit, but don't do this again in the future. But that's one of the nice things about working for yourself as you can put those boundaries up. And each time you can be a little more like careful about what you take on. But I think it just comes from like inexperience because you don't know until, you know, sometimes. And I really appreciate your mentality with that because, you know, I like to believe in volunteer, not victim.

So if I were to do this thing and it was exactly what they told me, but now I hate it, that's not like I'm not a victim there. It's not No way. Put that on me. I took it on myself, on myself. But it's really easy to make a present for this victim to pass first. And you can't do that. You still have to be you know, you're one in the same. It's like you made the choice. And so I really appreciate you saying, like, you signed up for it. You got to finish it because we don't quit.

And that's, you know, because your name is it's a huge part of your business. You can't be that person who doesn't finish projects, right? Yeah, exactly. I mean, you know, so long as the scope of the project doesn't change in the middle of it. Right? Like if we agreed to a and I start doing A and I'm like, Oh, this sucks. I didn't charge an offer. Like, oh, I didn't realize how intense this was going to be. Okay, whatever. I'm just going to finish it.

As long as it doesn't become A plus B plus C, that's when I'm like, pause, pause, pause. So I think there's yeah, it just depends on the situation, of course, But we try not to. I'll complain the whole time, but I try not to take it personally after the fact. All right. So being a creative, I have to ask, I know it's hard for a lot of people to say no to the ask whenever, you know, they start trying to add on things and. Well, let's revise it one more time or let's add this thing.

Just go out and do a couple of email templates for us or whatever or hard is it for you to navigate those situations? Well, I think it's just something you get better at because, you know, the questions, the more experience you get, you know, the questions to ask before you get started. And then like a big thing for me was making sure that I have all of that in writing signed off for, so that if that does come up, we can always go back and say, Hey, that's not within this.

It's going to be, you know, X, Y, Z additional, or I don't have the capacity to do that during this time frame. We can look at that in the future or like I see the scope of this project is changing. If, you know, do we need to draw up a new contract, an agreement to continue moving forward? It just depends.

But you don't know those questions to ask unless someone else tells you or until you've like, made that mistake, which for me people can tell me a million times and it just never clicks until I have that personal, painful experience that I'll never forget. And then it's like, okay, we're not going to do this again. I mean, it sounds like you have you've polished those ads. Are those responses pretty well? Like you've had to use them quite a bit? It depends.

Sometimes I go on Facebook groups and I just Google and I like copy what other people have said because sometimes you're so emotional, like it feels like someone's trying to take advantage of you, that you just can't respond with a clear head. And so that's why it's nice to just have like copy and paste. Someone else wrote it. It sounds nice and professional. You can just put it in the email and move on with your life. I mean, that's a really smart idea.

I'm definitely a person who can start to respond in the emotion which and to to be fair. I do that too. I don't have a lot of like roller coaster emotions, but I can still be irritated and respond whenever it'd be probably a better idea to go say, what is the better way to respond to this issue? So I think going in a Facebook group and just copying and pacing is definitely a good idea.

If you just want Rizzle don't want to, you know, it's you get the feeling you want to win or you want to like, well, they're taking advantage of me. I want to I want to hit them back where it hurts. And that's not it's not going to win now. And I always try to give myself time to, like, come down for my milestone ones because I, you know, I am like very reactive. And so if I were to fire back something immediately, it probably wouldn't be very nice.

But if I give myself like 24 hours to think through the way I'm feeling and like why I'm feeling that way and kind of detach from that a little bit, I can usually respond in a nicer way that's not loaded with like accusations or, you know, things like that. Because at the end of the day, I think a lot of times I'm just making up these narratives about why they're asking me things or why they're trying to go outside of it.

And I get this thought that like, Oh, they're taking advantage of me when oftentimes they're not trying to take advantage of me. It's just that's the way I perceive it. And so I know for myself, I have to calm down and, you know, think through and process those emotions before I can be before I can give a professional response. How long did it take you to develop that ability?

Well, I'm more of the avoidant type, so I so typically my preference would just be to like, disappear and never respond, never continue. You know what I mean? Like, I would prefer to just avoid the problem, but like, I have to respond. I can't not respond. And so I think it's just like venting with my partner and then him saying like, you know, maybe you're interpreting this a little differently than reality.

Or I ask him to read through my response that I draft and say, like, how does that sound? Things like that. So the not responding that comes naturally. It's more so that pressure that's like, Oh God, I do have to respond. I can't just disappear that it's like managing that. You you mentioned Austin, your partner several times our crucial is the key to really honoring yourself in these work situations. Mm hmm. Well, we don't technically work together.

He does help me a lot now, but we're not like business partners right now. But I don't know. I think he does a good job of helping me or being a sounding board that I can process things through. I'm sure. Like, I know sometimes you just need to vent. Sometimes something is bothering you and you don't need advice. You just need to get all of those angry emotions out. And then that's all it takes for you to relax and calm down.

But for me, he provides that sounding board, that outside perspective because he's not involved in my business at all, where he can say, Respond this way, like use this strategy. I see it in my own words, of course, or I'll write it out because sometimes I'm like you. That's too professional. I don't talk like that and I'm not going to respond that way. Like business speak, you know, formal running.

But yeah, it's more so like someone to to bounce ideas off of and just kind of get a reading for how I'm interpreting situations versus how they might actually be occurring. You or you in Boston have a relationship that is seamless really from the outset as a partnership. That's something that I've only recently acquired. You know, I've been married almost 12 years now and we weren't partners. That's not. Me. It's not because either one of us didn't want to be in it.

So we didn't realize we weren't until we started acting as partners. We started communicating better and we started talking more. And I started to use her, as you were speaking of, as a sounding board and not just complaining at her, but like listening to her whenever she, you know, does give me no help me kind of formulate responses and, you know, putting in the data into her computer and seeing what she gets back out.

And that was, you know, it's a big difference between having a wife and having a wife that lets your partner. So, you know, as you talk about your partner all the time, I've just I've seen it as long as I've known you guys that you guys just really you allow yourself to be there for the other one.

And that's you know, you guys are both supportive of each other while you've been through job transitions and you have done, you know, you moved to she moved to Paris with you or is that the other way around? Yeah, we did it together. We moved to France together. So, I mean, you guys have been through some major stuff and how old, you know? Oh, my God. I turned 30 this week. Oh, my. Happy birthday. That's so. Exciting. I'm excited for you because I'm old. I'm turning 40 in two years, so.

I know I learned that in the first episode. I had to be reminded because I'm like, how old the minds and but, you know, you've done a lot of living and a lot of relationships. And in the first, you know, the early period of your character into your early part of your relationship, and I don't know, you guys grew up fast in a good way versus I who were just babies who were thinking that we were adults. And the communication part is so important to building a lasting relationship.

And I just see that. And you guys and I, I'm happy for you. Thank you. Yeah, I never really thought of it like that. But you are. You're right. I think we just have I mean, we both like doing new things, and so it's something that we enjoy and it's really exciting. I think what's more difficult is once the excitement wears off like so we've reached about a year in Puerto Rico, and that's usually when the excitement for things wears off. But it's like, we're not leaving this time.

We're staying for good. And so for us, I think it's a little harder to navigate. Of course, the more challenging parts when there's no more exciting like new novelty to things. But I also I think he's such a sounding board for me because when you freelance, like I don't have coworkers, I don't have coworkers I can talk to or a manager I can ask, how should I respond to this? How should I strategic navigate this uncomfortable situation?

And so for me, he kind of fills in as that coworker occasionally. But we had to go through a point where it was like, I'm just venting. I don't want advice or I'm venting and please give me advice because it's two separate occasions. Sometimes you want that advice, sometimes you don't. And if you're getting advice when you don't want it, that was a challenging thing for me. But now it's always like, Can I give you advice? No matter whether he is complaining to me or I'm complaining to him?

And that's I mean, that's a really valuable lesson. The I'm still working on the. Do you want advice in the situation or do you just want me to listen? Because if I'm talking to you about something I want, I want to leave this conversation with a solution. And that is not how my wife, like her brain works. Totally different than mine. And that's something I appreciate and I, I've learned to really love. Because if she thought the way I did, nothing would get done.

So, you know, we probably argue all the time and we do. Are you? Sometimes. But it's generally because we just have different views of what we want the outcome to be. And we, you know, God, it's the same thing. She just thinks about a different way than I do. And whenever it comes to me having a problem that I'm bringing it to her, I really appreciate her having that that other perspective. So, you know, marrying somebody just like you.

But I think that you'd be really missing out on my, you know, the the synergy aspect of marriage. Uh huh. Well, you two are opposites and we're two opposites as well. So I agree. I think it works great. Um, being like, once again, you say you're an introvert, but it's. You are really one of the most outgoing introverts I've ever met. Not that you, you know, came over and knocked on my door or anything, but you didn't shy away from the conversation at all.

Whenever I, you know, being asked and started talking, I believe you kind of came out and said hi. And I was like, Oh, hi. This this versus maybe a microsoft hiding in the garage in there. But she's kind of how my wife this. Is, I think we met through food. And so I feel like you came over and you were like, I'm making plates. You guys want some? And we were like, Absolutely. So it was a great introduction. I do see it, but. But come talk to me. No, that was great.

I mean, otherwise I probably I don't know that I would have normally, you know, I'm not no, I don't can't think of any other neighbor that we've been close friends with maybe that we've chatted with while they had a yard sale and we bought something. Right. Not anyone that I've ever become friends with. So I feel like maybe it was just the introduction of food and I'm like, I want to know, what are we having?

I want to make a decision that was made me feel more comfortable, like entering the conversation, because typically I would not like people come to our house here. I don't talk to them. I stay inside. So, you know, okay, that's true of my wife too. If this food involves your still makes your pop up and what happens and I think that there's a little bit of a pattern there. Later this month I'm having on my old neighbor from my old neighborhood, who I think is also bonded over food.

It was our kids first, but I entered the conversation through food because the both the chaos Kate and Kate, they they just became friends as our kids played in the street. And then I was like, food, I want to be friends, too. That's all. Here. Welcome gift bags. You make friends. I think that's a tried and true. Key people to stay like, Oh, you guys want to stay for dinner? We can hang out for three more hours. Well, your food's really good, though, too. It's not like bad food.

It's really good. I think I'm. I'm shy about a lot, but that's one thing I will definitely say confidently, is I can cook. So. Yeah, you can. I would agree. So, you know, saying that being in a brand new not only city but a brand new country, again, like you've done this before, so you're not completely unfamiliar but didn't. Did you know French when you moved to Paris? So here is it. You did not know the language when you move the sample. I know you've been taking a lot of classes.

I think you have a great like a decent fluency. Now, I can. I can do. Okay. But I can't talk on the telephone yet. I'm not good on the phone, but in person I can do. Okay. But how about how hard was that to navigate a introvert in a new place with a new language? And Europe? You guys have had so many challenges there. You've had to deal with a lot of people. How are you like, you know, keeping yourself safe? Uh huh. I well, so we thought, I know I definitely did.

I don't want to speak for both of us, but we thought that moving here would be like pretty straightforward because we've moved to France before and so we know some of those challenges. And I think we may have stayed in France had I? Because when we moved to France, I was just like so overwhelmed. I was so anxious. I was sick all the time. From my anxiety, I lost a ton of weight those first three months just because I was so stressed and I was never not stressed during the time we were there.

And so it wasn't. Despite studying abroad, they're speaking the language, really enjoying it Before that, after we moved, I just like I wasn't having a good time at all. I was having a very, very, very, very bad time. And then it was unfortunate because a month before I left, I got my residence card, which is what was driving all of my anxieties was this constant uncertainty of how much longer is this going to take?

But we thought having that experience, we would be prepared for this and it would be a lot easier because there's also no visa coming here. And it was entirely different. Entirely, entirely different. And so what was helpful was knowing like, Oh, it's going to suck at first and eventually it will get better. Like, you know, we learned that. But all of the challenges here were different than the ones we had in France. And so it was just it was a it was very different.

It's I thought they would be comparable before we came, but they're just they're different. It's so different. So when you face all these new, different challenges, you do you talk a little bit about your anxiety, like how how did you deal? How bad did your anxiety how I mean, if you don't mind talking about it. MM No, I don't mind. I've been anxious all my life.

I remember distinctly, you know, it'll be like the smallest things cause it I remember as a kid, my anxiety would always make me sick to my stomach. And so I was always like. Like my whenever my family got a new car, just the fact that it was a new car and I wasn't used to it, I would throw up in the car. Oh, I'm so it'd be like every single car. It's just like clockwork. Or it's like someone text me before school that I don't usually talk to sick.

So it was like, no matter what I did as a kid, it was just like, I'm always getting sick. I'm always upset to my stomach. And so after I moved out and I started to become more independent, I just wasn't in as many stressful situations, you know, because you have more control over your environment, you can plan your day. You're not really at the whim of your parents or your siblings.

But this was so difficult for me because there were just a million things that were out of our control, like completely out of our control that it was. It was I just yeah, I couldn't I couldn't deal with it like I had a mental breakdown last year that was maybe like two weeks long where I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything. So I'd stay up till four in the morning and then I'd sleep maybe once the sun rose for 2 hours. But I couldn't sleep very well because I was very anxious.

No more sickness. But it's always that nauseous feeling. And then I couldn't do anything during the day because I was crying and controllability. And so I'd never taken medication for my anxiety, but this happened, you know, for a week. And I was like, I can't function like I can't do anything. But it was so many things happening at once, Like it was just more overwhelmed than I had ever had before. And so I contacted my doctor. I tried to get medication, but my doctor's still in Oklahoma.

And so because wasn't there in person, they couldn't help me. But I had just sent my passport to be renewed and changed over my driver's license so I couldn't fly back home because I didn't have any valid form of ID to fly. And so it was just it was a really, really terrible. And what eventually happened was one of my one of the big things that was stressing me out was a work project.

I put on my happy smiley face to take my photos, to take my videos, and then once I finished that, I didn't have anything else I had to do, so I just did nothing. And then when I finally got to go back to Oklahoma and visit my doctor, I got anxiety medication, so I don't take it daily. It's just if I feel something coming on and I need to take care of it, I have it with me, but thankfully I don't have to use it that often.

But that was a really, really, really terrible time about like a couple of months after we moved because everything hit all at the same time and none of my coping skills were working and I couldn't go to the doctor and it was just like, terrible. So you said it lasted about two weeks, and what brought you out of that. Finishing that work project about that was the initial the initial trigger was I got a project and it was like I needed to do four things in two weeks.

Now, okay, that sounds easy, right? But that's that's about like a quarter of the time I would typically spend on those four things. And so that combined with I don't have electricity, my just got broken into. We don't have a vehicle. You know, it's like all these things came together and I felt like I was losing my mind. And so, you know, eventually I was able to just pull it together for a long enough to film and do what I needed to do.

And then once that was over, that two week period, I was like, you know, I thought I was ready to come back to work, but I wasn't. And I need to take this time genuinely where I don't have to do something and intentionally relax because I'm very bad about that, where if I don't have to do something, I still worry about the things that I could be doing right. And then so I never actually relax because I'm always thinking about what I could be doing and.

I remember you going through a lot of that stuff because you, you know, you share on your you know, they see your close friends about the power and getting broken into. And I just knew that you were already in a strange place, as beautiful as it is. So I was worried about you. Not I had no idea of the degree in which you are suffering. And that makes me sad because you're my friend and I hate to hear that. Yeah. Did you. Did you reach out to anybody? Well, I did try to come.

You know, I was like, okay, this is not working. I think maybe I just need a break. Like a break from the environment where I can reset and come back. So I did contact my mom about maybe coming home for a week and then coming back to Puerto Rico. But I same as going to my doctor. I realized after I started making plans, I was like, I can't because I don't have a real ID and I don't have my passport, so I can't get on a plane.

And so that's when I was like, Oh my God, there is no solution to this problem. And that involves me leaving. So I just have to do whatever I can to finish what I know is causing my anxiety. Well, the one thing that I can control, which was my work project, there were a bunch of things out of my control that were also contributing to it, like the electricity, the car, the brake and things like that. But I was like, okay, I need to just work on this one thing I can control.

Maybe that's what's pushing me over the edge and just get that done. And then afterwards really, really, really make an effort to detach and decompress. Did you for this the work project like in the by the deadline. We had to extend a little bit because the break in I was like, I'm not going to be able to work in the days following that. So I extended it by I think three or four days, but I did finish it. Yes. Oh. That's impressive. Having dealt with. I didn't have a choice.

I really wanted to not do it, but I deadlines. It's like, okay, I agreed to do this. I said I'd be coming back to work at this time. And so I felt, oh my gosh, it was just a lot. At one singular point, one two week period, it was just too much. So having gotten that done in such a short period of time, compared to what she usually would have done then, has it made you reassess your expectations of yourself? No, because that was terrible.

Well, I think that especially when it comes to creativity, it if you I don't know. I think we all have a base level of what we like to work at. And my, you know, baseline of productivity may be different from your baseline of productivity. And I know that if I don't want to be burnt out or if I want to continue on, it's like the the, the the tortoise and the hare.

Right. For me, I know that I need to be a tortoise, so I need to move at a slower pace because if I do that, I can consistently keep going. But if I move like a tortoise or like a hair, like a rabbit, I'm going to burn out and then I'm going to have a period of time where I can't do anything and then I'm going to do it again and I'm going to burn out.

And so for me, I would never do that many in that short of a time period again, because I know if I do, because I've done it in the past, that I'm going to burn out in a month or two and I won't be able to do anything. So for me, it's more important to make sure that I'm not doing too much so that I can keep doing stuff and I can continue to have ideas and I can continue to be creative because if not, I'm just not going to have those ideas.

I'm going to dread waking up, I'm going to dread doing my stuff. I'm not going to like anything I make. And so for me, that's really important. Is that balance? Did you and were you proud of what you put out? So I am never excited about my projects when I finished them. I never like them when I send them, but it's always it's done. It meets the brief or it meets what I said I was going to do and it's out of my hands now. You know it's good enough.

And then I'll come back usually a few months later and watch them back and be like, Oh my gosh, I did a really good job. Or sometimes I'll be like, Oh, I kind of missed the mark on this one. I see something that I would do differently next time, but for me, I need like a little separation from being in the weeds of the project to actually see, like, did I do a good job? In my opinion, what can be improved? So it just depends. I haven't watched those videos in a while though, so I don't know.

Yeah, I just your is resiliency is impressive. Being anxious through all the stuff that you've done and still doing it is really it's really a hard thing to do. Anxiety sets can shut people down and shut me down from things. I had days where I didn't get out of bed because it was just not I mean, I don't know, I like to get out of bed at all, but I didn't start my day until like 2:00 in the afternoon.

And even a day was just like coming out of the couch so the kids can see that I was still alive. And that's, you know, that's not an ideal place to be as a parent or as, you know, just a living human being at all. So, yeah, you know, knowing that you are dealing with such an extreme level of anxiety and still producing the content, getting through all the other stuff you had to do while you're doing it, it's really a testament to how strong of a person you are. Well, thank you.

Honestly, I feel like I didn't have a choice at the time. I was like, I just have to. If I had a choice, I probably would have stopped that project or delayed a month or two or something. But it was like, I don't have a choice. And so I just had to do it. Like, What can you do if you don't have a choice? You know? In retrospect, do you think individuals.

No, no, to be honest, because you know, a lot of it when it comes to like social media stuff, there's these clear cut deadlines that we to meet. And so my choice was extending the project to a couple of days because of just extenuating circumstances that were out of my control. But beyond that, it's just like I knew I couldn't push it back so far because I still have the due date that I need to send stuff in for it to, you know, be approved or send revisions or things like that.

So but some projects, no, there's not a due date. And so that's why a lot of times my personal projects, I'll push back if I'm not that I'm not excited about the idea anymore or I have something else I'd rather be working on in my free time. Those don't have a due date, and so they often either don't get started and I just scrap an idea or they get started later than I thought or finished later than I thought. But it's like, okay, who cares? It's just for a personal project. It's not for money.

And that's supposed to be fun and fulfill you anyway. So I don't want to put this like, weird pressure on myself to, like, get things done at a certain time when it's supposed to be. That thing is supposed to be fun. So you are just talking about the separation between like work for them versus work for us, right?

How do you whenever you're working in a creative field and you're making things like, you know, it's your intellectual property, it's coming from your mind and it's, you know, they're supplying the product or even a brief that's pretty specific. You still have to you have to make the thing. How do you protect your identity when you're doing that? I don't know.

I feel like this is something that I'm always working on, is finding that balance of like, okay, how do I give them what they're asking for? And then also put own spin on it? And that's what I try to do. Like when I started making YouTube videos back in like 2016 with my friends, it was like, Oh, I'm still not marketing mindset. And I was like, I want to do the same thing that everyone else is doing, but I want to put my own creative spin on it. And so now I just try to do that.

But sometimes you don't really have a choice. Like, you know, if someone sends you a specific script and says, Read this while looking at the camera, I know I can't change that. I can change maybe the way I say it and I can change my intonation or the way I deliver it.

But it's just I think for me, you know, same as like my professional life and my personal life, sometimes at the end of the day, it's like, okay, I'm getting money from this and I need this money in order to pursue the things that I want to do that maybe I don't make money from.

And so I need to give the client what they want, even if it's not my favorite thing I'd ever made, or even if I'm not going to put it in my portfolio, or even if it's not like my exact style, if I know what they want and I know they can deliver it, it's just like it's going to work at the end of the day.

And so, yes, you still get to do something fun and creative, like it's still a job and I want to do a good job and I want to give them what they want because I would like to exchange money for services. But so I think that's the hard part about being a creative is sometimes it's just not going to be the most exciting thing you do ever, and it's not going to be the coolest, most creative thing. But it's it it solves that person's problem and it gives them what they need. And you can do that.

And so, you know, spend your energy on those personal projects that you can fill your portfolio with and maybe, you know, move towards as you progress in your career, doing more of those specific things in your style. But I mean, I don't know. I see this all the time with photographers. It's like, yes, of course we all want to do these like super cool editorial like fashion spreads that are really creative but doesn't pay like anything.

And so instead, behind the scenes, maybe you don't share it, but you're shooting a lot of like e-commerce products on why like not boring or not creatively fulfilling, but it pays the bills do you know what I mean? So it's like you have to be pragmatic. So whenever you have a client who gives you a specific brief, that's boring. I feel like it's an easy call for you because you just have to do exactly what you know, how to really create new creative anything.

You just do what they tell you to do. What about when you have a client who gives you a pretty vague brief and then doesn't like what you bring back? How do you handle that? So it's funny because sometimes there's a little cognitive dissonance there, right? Like they give you a super specific brief and then they want you to be like wildly creative and you're like, Okay, but if you want me to be creative, don't give me such a specific brief, right?

But what I have done to kind of solve that problem, whether this is photography or content creation, is I just try to have as much communication before we start to make sure we're on the same page. And that way, because what takes the most time is actually shooting the photos or videos editing them, you know, all of that fun stuff. I think the fun stuff, exhausting, but fun. So You don't want to like redo that.

So to avoid that, you just have to be more communicative before you start get things approved and just make sure that is all set, that you're on the same page before you actually start doing the creative stuff. So I mean, it sounds like you're super preventative and that's ideal. That's right. A B, but you can't always I mean, sometimes sometimes people want the moon or sometimes you think you are on the same page and then it comes back after you deliver it.

And they're like, No, this is not what we were looking for. So I try my best, but it just depends. Whether that's one of those situations. Like, like whenever you think that you've handled everything ahead of time and then you deliver the item and they're just like, No, what does that look like? I think that's where compromise comes in, right? If you know sometimes, right, maybe I didn't do a good job. Maybe I just kind of found this linen.

I was having a bad day or something, and it's like, Ooh, okay, yeah, I maybe I should reshoot this, or maybe I should redo this other times, it's like, No, I did a good job. And so that's when it comes to making compromises. So it's like if they want a reshoot, maybe it's like, No, we're going to change the color in Photoshop of this item so that it's less distracting. Like, that's fine. Or if it's for a video like, No, I'm only going to reshoot these specific shots.

I'm not going to change everything in it. And so I think that's it's like give and take, you know, just like any relationship, like yes to this, but no to this. And in a compromise, no side is perfectly happy, but each one is happier. So how how stern are you able to be whenever Because I mean, we talked about some of your photo licensing stuff and how I mean, you really do think of a lot of stuff ahead of time.

But whenever they come back and they want to reshoot or they are you able to say, okay, that's going to cost this much because, you know, shoot me? No. The brief says here, this is what you want, and then we solve that problem in the content we created. So I'm not doing this for free. Are you are you pretty confident doing that? It just depends. I mean, you know, nothing is black and white, so it depends how big is what they're asking for.

Am I going to have to sit down and redo this entire thing if that's the case? And I delivered what I would consider to be something good, then it's going to be like a no to do that. Not I know, but to do that it's an additional cost. Or to do that, it's an additional delay for the project. And then I think ultimately just leaving it up to them to make the decision, right. It's like what is more important to them? Is it more important that it's done now?

Are they happy to pay more to have something changed? But I can't I can't say what that is because I don't know. I'm not them. I'm not their marketing department. I don't know what constraints they have with their boss or their team or their projects. And so I think it's just trying to figure out like what will make me happy at the end of this and feel okay with it and not feel like I was taken advantage of.

I mean that's that's really the big thing is do you feel like you got appreciated in the deal and that you gave away something of value like that? But do you consider yourself there's a two part question, an authentic person and what is authenticity to you? Mm hmm. You know, it's so interesting. I don't because like I said earlier, right, Like, I have my work persona, I have my personal life persona. So I don't know that I would always say I was like, authentic.

It's kind of like when you withhold information in order not to lie, you know, when people will just not tell like the whole truth. And it's not technically a lie. So I think for a long time and I still think I do less because I'm more reserved with my personal life. And so a lot of times I just want like give up information. And it's not necessarily that I'm not being true to myself. It's just I don't want certain people to have access to a certain part of my life.

And I think this is especially like prevalent because it's like if I put my life on the Internet, I'm just not open to comments from people I don't know from about certain aspects, like I just don't care their opinions. And so those are probably things that I'm not going to share or a side of me that I'm not going to share and put out onto the Internet because I know anytime I do share that, I'm opening up myself to criticism.

And as much as I want to say like, Oh, I don't care, like I do care and I don't like mean comments. And so but I do that in my personal life too. Like, I feel like it takes me a long time to truly feel comfortable and like someone and genuinely consider them a friend. It takes me like a couple years and so. That's a long. Time. It's not that I'm necessarily being authentic. I feel like I am being who I am, but I think it takes me a while to judge like what I think their intentions are.

Do I think their a genuine person? Do I think that they're kind or and I'm working on being more vulnerable, but I think that maybe my reservation can make me not the most authentic because I just don't want to show my true self to people unless I know that I respect them or I like them, or I know they're a genuine person. And that's not going to come back to bite me years later where it's like I'm not just saying nothing. You mean that?

Like, Oh, I wish, I wish we hadn't been friends, which has not ever really happened to me. Maybe like once or twice. But, you know, I'm also not like super close friends with a ton of people, so I don't think I invite that either. But I think that also comes back to being an introvert and not super close friends with a bunch of people because I just don't have time or the social energy to maintain a huge group of friends.

So for me it's more fulfilling to have a couple very close friends rather than a bunch of like sort of friends. I think that's totally about answer. And a lot of people I think we've talked about this in the earlier episode confuse authenticity with complete openness. Like you like being authentic has a lot to do with making the decision of who gets to know what part of you you know that is.

That's totally you're being self-aware and saying whenever somebody is intimate friend that you actually share intimate things with them. And I and you know, if they get a little confused, they're because now they're so, you know, omitting parts of themselves that they don't want to, you know, it's like, this is my close friend, but they don't know anything about me. So not sharing that.

And, you know, I just think awareness is so important of knowing the boundaries you're setting and being aware of. Whenever it's time to remove those boundaries, it's fun to, you know, take an interest in like a deeper part of somebody because you want to take that next step or else, like you said, you end up not having any deep friendships because you didn't know there was anybody that people can feel that, you know, the same way, you can be as genuine.

People can be like, Well, this person isn't really concerned with getting to know me very deeply or letting me know them very deeply. MM And people are there for that and some people aren't, and that's your choice to make. But I really think that it's an important thing to look at, as am I, and being aware of the boundaries I'm setting with my friends and, and when and omitting things because I'm afraid to go that next the next level. Like I don't ever want people to make fear based decisions.

If you're mindful, oh, this is I'm not ready to share that with somebody, then go for it. But if like, I'm afraid they're not going to accept me, I hope that people can overcome that and say if they don't accept me, then I'd rather find out now than whenever I actually need them to accept me. That's that's okay. Yeah, that's really interesting because I've never I've never really thought of it like that. But I feel like what takes me some time is deciding whether I want that person to accept me.

You know, like I have to make my own judgment of that person over time before I decide, like, do I care about their opinion? But I mean, I don't know. Maybe you experience this to 20 year old Regan is a little different, like almost 30 Regan when it comes to caring about what other people think. And so I think because of that maturity over time, I also just care a little less. I can be more of who I am.

And because of that, it's easier for me to make friends because I don't feel like I have to be a certain way or act a certain way in order to fit in. At the same time, Like, I also want to make my own judgment of the other person before I decide if I want to be friends with them. So for me, it's like a little give and take. Absolutely. And as far as, you know, versions out, I think that episode three was Derek. We talked about versions and I think version 5.2 is what I want.

I think that's where I'm I'm pretty deep into the development of myself. I don't think I'm done, but I think I'm at a, you know, a pretty advanced version of it. And in that I don't want to I don't want to be asked. So I am not going to put everything out on the table for everybody. But if you get past a certain point with me, I'm likely going to be just completely find out myself with you just because if you're not here for it, then you're not here for it.

And I'm you know, I'd rather have a lighter, but hey, this is me. That's that's our get. And then it's not once again, that's not saying that I don't want to grow and I don't want to, like, learn to accept new things and develop myself better. It's just that I am aware of my weaknesses and I'll say, hey, this is something that that I struggle with and that if that struggle, it's okay If you just want to see your way out and that's fine, I, my feelings won't be hurt.

It's whenever I think that you are there for it and then you're not. That's, that's why it's painful for me. Yeah. I kind of had, like, a friend falling out last year where it's like, You know what I mean? Like, I like to take some time to perceive what I think of other people before I open up to them.

And it's like I posted something I thought was a funny joke and they know me, but then they got that this is entirely separate from like cancel culture, but they read into this joke in a way I would never perceive to do, especially someone I consider to be a friend and like insulted me.

And I was just so taken aback because I was like, okay, if a stranger messages me on the internet and says something like that, I'm like, okay, well, they're just like, not to be mean, but this is how I view hate comments. I'm like, They're out of their mind. Like, right. There are many strokes of people. And this is not someone whose opinion I would take outside of this like, context.

You know, if I met them in the street, I wouldn't say like, yes, I'm going to take life advice from this person, which I think if you're online, you have to be discerning like that because otherwise you can just get torn apart from the the multiplex. More opinions and you should ever have to hear about yourself. And so to then have that person like misinterpret, I felt like they intentionally misinterpreted what I said. And I was just like, whoa, like this.

It totally it caught me off guard and I had to have a moment where I was like, Wow, I thought this person was really my friend. And then for them to come at me like this, when they know that that's not what I was, not what I meant by that, it just really it kind of like shook me to my core and almost made me go back to that. Like no new friends like I don't need any new friends. But it's like, no, I do like meeting people.

I do like, you know, finding people who share the same interests as me that I can talk to about that. But for a little that I was like, it made me just not want to meet people anymore, like not put myself out there.

So I think it's interesting that you kind of feel like if this is not for you, it's not for you, but you have such a big personality, I think that that you, you know, either they like me or they don't like me, but I think I'm a bit more reserved and maybe a little more of a people pleaser. And so it takes me a bit of time to judge the other person and see like, ooh, what's their vibe? Because I think I'm pleasant. And most people are probably like, Yeah, Regan's fine.

And so for me it's like how are they though? So that's interesting to. Have a conversation with that person about the thing. Or was it was their reaction enough for you to just say, okay, that's, that's done? You know, we had that conversation that day and kind of how I said earlier, like, of course I have emotional reactions, things and sometimes they need to simmer down.

And the more I thought of it, I was just like, you know, now, like if they would ever perceive this of me in the first place, like, no, I don't. But this is I mean, I did have an interesting experience with this person once before. And so I think if this had been the first time that there was kind of like a weird red flag, I wouldn't I wouldn't have dropped them from my friend rotation.

But it's because it was like, oh, when that happened, I thought of this other time that I had like just a weird interaction with them and I was like, I just it were good. It wasn't like one of my best friends. That was someone who I considered a friend, but not a best friend. And so I was like, I think we're good. Yeah, I don't think our values align. I think we're good. But I read that that last statement, I don't think our values align.

I think that's so important to be able to say that, you know, I personally would probably say that to person. I don't like people not knowing why we're not talking or that's like, that's not that's okay with me. I don't want you to go around thinking that you're. Oh, yeah, I let them know I was not pleased and I felt like they were intentionally mis representing or misinterpreting what I said, that we had a conversation that day.

But then the more I thought about it, I was like, No, no. I think, you know, our values align either anymore or at all. Like, that's I think it's important perspective whenever it comes to honoring yourself. And once again, it's like those values are an important and important part of your identity. And if you know that somebody is not respecting those, what's the point? Like, what is the point of I mean, you can't convert people or you can't speak. Up. For people to your value system.

And friendship is supposed to be fun, you know, like I don't want to feel like I'm walking eggshells around someone that I'm supposed to be having a good time with or someone that I'm spending a lot of time with in the future. And so it's like, I don't know, like I'm very loyal to people. I try to see them out, but sometimes it's just too far. It's a step too far and it's like, okay, this is a sign. Maybe we're not aligned in the way I thought we were. And that's okay.

I can meet new people who maybe are aligned. It's not the end of the world if we're no longer friends or friends in the same way, maybe it just becomes not as close acquaintances. Yeah, I like this Instagram picture, but maybe don't comment. Like, but not a comment like that. So that makes me think of it. Made me think of. Now I've just completely went blank for a second. We always do that. You blamed like, you know, laying down the law about your, you know, your values and then lying anymore.

Has there ever been a time when you've done that or you've really felt like you were being authentic and it didn't take you to not pay out for you, like it ended up burning you? For some reason. I, I can think of this quite often when I was a child, very outspoken and very strongly opinionated. And because of that, I was like, younger. I just was like, mean, like, I wasn't afraid to speak my mind. And so but sometimes it wasn't like I meant to be mean.

It's just I didn't realize how what was coming out of my mouth was going to be perceived and I would just like, talk. And so, yeah, I can think of a lot of bridges I burned by just being a brat as a kid. And so, you know, in high school, maybe college, I was like, I need to be a nicer person. Not that I was a bully or that I was mean. It was just like, if I didn't agree with something, I would be the first person to say it. And but then I was like, I just I don't want to be perceived way.

And, you know, maybe my like, first gut reaction to something is not the reality. You know, as you get older, you think less in black and white. And I'm like, oh, there's like nuance to this. And so I think just part of that maturing was realizing like, oh, maybe I don't like what this person is saying at first, but maybe if I listen a little more, I can understand where they're coming from, even if I disagree.

And I just didn't want to be someone that people perceived as like mean or argumentative. And so I don't know that I made a conscious decision ever, but I was like, I want to be a nice person. And so I just started intentionally being nice. Once again, it goes, I. Can think of a lot of, yeah, as a kid, I. Guess I don't hold that against any person. Like I said, I said when I was talking to Derek anything before, you're 18. Doesn't really count. As for yourself.

Yeah. Like you don't even really know who you are. And then once, I mean, even that first version is almost like a throw away. But watching the Gilmore Girls with it and they're talking about how, you know, so the first pancake away because, you know, it's just it's like a test pancake. And my first pancakes always perfect It's the ones after where it gets too hot. Always her favorite. I never need to throw pancakes away. I'm an amazing but true.

That is still not my best pancake because it's like I'm so Colbert. So do your first version of yourself is almost a throwaway. Like I don't think it is a throwaway, but it's an important part of learning how you're going to interact with the world. But at some point, once you get past that, you have to start looking at how you're affecting the people you're dealing with. And Adalind, who was on the show last week, was talking about what her mom told her.

She's like, it's great to be honest and truthful, but you need to ask yourself, is it timely? Is it helpful? Is it pertinent? Then there was one other thing, but and that's something that I'd heard before, and I tried to kind of like vaguely start implementing it, but it's something I haven't like really double down on again is that I want to be honest with people. But sometimes it's not better.

Sometimes they need to hear it in a different way than you just coming up and just saying, Wow, that's not like that. Can really, you know, that can crush somebody psyche whenever you really or actually wanting to help them as I call that wasn't very good. There's a better way to like be constructive and help. So you have to know what your know what you're trying to get in these interactions. Like why am I being honest? Is it just is it to be mean at that point?

It's like, okay, so you want to be with me in person or is it actually if it's a serve, a purpose and you have to look at this as serving that purpose, and if not, how can it and you are definitely a nice person in my book, you know, I have talked all about it today. So I think you've done a pretty good anything that I can't really picture you as a brazen little tween walking around with a scepter, telling everybody how you know everything but. I was the. That's so funny.

Would you say that you are yourself now? You already said that. See, you already answered this question. You said you have a work self and you have a personal self. And then you want your personal self. You have levels of that self that you share total. What do you think of people who are 100% themselves all the time? I think it's really admirable. I think it but I think sometimes they maybe don't have an awareness that they are like that because it's just their nature.

Everyone I've met who's just 100% themselves all the time, it's not something they can control. It's not something they do consciously. It's just it is what it is. It's funny that you mentioned like ADHD at the beginning of this podcast because I always find the people that I instantly click with and make friendships with. They have ADHD and I think it's I mean, not to generalize, but I think it's because they just like wholeheartedly themselves. And that's a trait that I've noticed.

And maybe it's just the overlap between those two. It's like, Oh, I like people who are like, Oh, they can't complete a whole sentence and jump around a lot because it keeps the conversation interesting. And then I just attribute that to like, Oh, they're totally themselves because they're just doing whatever. But the people that I've met like that, it's not a decision they consciously make, they just are. And I deeply admire that.

And I think if I didn't care about the criticism from other people as much that maybe I could also be like that. But I think it would be dishonest to say I don't care about other people's opinions and the awareness of that helps me to say, okay, sometimes I don't need to care about what someone thinks or, Oh, this particular person, I don't care what they think of me. But there are people who I want to have a positive opinion of me.

And sometimes just because of that, I don't know that I can be 100% authentic. All the time. But I admire people who are. But I think it is also in a way harder for them because maybe they can't do that switching or they can't turn off parts of their personality that people may dislike. You know what I mean? I definitely know what you mean. And firm. Takes courage. So maybe I'm just not courageous in that aspect. No, I don't think it's just is courage.

But there's also, you know, being ADHD is kind of like being it. I mean, some people said it's like being on the spectrum. And so maybe it is just a lot of us being an Islamist or an autistic. Like lacking that like social convention. Channel that says this is how you're how everybody thinks you should act in this. Like over here, I only care about that.

I definitely care what people thought very deeply, you know, to the point where masking was a very big part of my life, where I know I would be in the position and try to act like I thought I was supposed to act. And I knew that it didn't pay dividends at all. It just made me feel like I belong less because I was never able to pull it off. Whenever I would try to, like, sit in the crowds and be what I thought I was supposed to be, I would just find that those crowds didn't like me very much.

I never really did. I never really coped with anyone, and I found myself even sadder. So to me was it was not useful. I was much better at being myself and saying, Hey, this is who I am. Like, I'm pretty cool. You should get to know me. And some people would take it up and some people wouldn't and that was okay. Yeah. Versus nobody liking this watered down version of myself who is like, Who? What are you? And I was like, I don't really know. I'm trying to be what you are.

I have no idea. I realized. Oh, like, oh, well, was crazy. Yeah. So that's that's something that I definitely appreciate. And what lots of people to, to lean into is. Being. Yourself because it makes you feel better about being with other people versus trying and trying to find the space that you think you fit in. And so just being yourself and just fitting.

But eventually you'll find your you'll find your fit and you'll, you know, this is not like a puzzle piece and you'll be yeah, you'll really feel comfortable. It's, you know, it's a good feeling to find people who appreciate you for who you are. But I didn't find that I moved to Oklahoma City. I didn't have any friends before I turned 22 or 23 that I was ever. No, maybe 25 that I was never just myself with and really felt whole.

I moved out here and I met people who I just was like, I'm just going to be myself. And they really enjoyed being around me. They wanted to come over to my house for dinner and, you know, we knew that we were having people over twice a week and that was two months ago. And so that for us, so but yeah. Do you think that changing location gave you permission to start as someone new, like to reinvent yourself? Because I know I do this quite a lot.

I change schools a lot as a kid, so I'd be like, okay, each new place, this is who I am here. And so for me as well, like, I mean, that was part of why I wanted to move to Puerto Rico was I felt like I knew too many people on Oklahoma City who had a certain opinion about me or had known me since being a child or a teenager. And I just didn't want those preexisting like assumptions or things about me. And so I was like, that was part of my reason I wanted to move.

I was like, I just want to start fresh and be my own person and just see where that goes. So do you feel like you that was part of the reason why the move to OKC or something changed? Well, I can say it was not the move because I too was like I started a bunch of new schools and I always was like, This time I'm going to be different. I'm going to be different. And then I always cared so much what people thought about me that it would just wear me down and I would go back to being whatever.

Whenever I moved here and I was going on the fire department, I was too exhausted. BE anybody else, like outside of work. But it was you had to fit into this mold and you had to try to get along and all this stuff that whenever we'd go do stuff with the kids on Saturdays and we'd go hang with our homeschool group on Friday, like I was exhausted. I had no. Mask, you had no more energy. Mask. And and these people and this guy was pretty cool.

And I was like, really maybe a fairly stay away right now. But, you know, he's like, you're funny and you're afraid to talk to you. And I was like, Wow. So I just kept doing that there. I still I was still trying to get along at work. I was I still have a dual personality. The person at work is not somebody I recognize, and it didn't work like me. I didn't get along. They actually hated me and isolated me even further. So it was it was super depressing. But then I had my people out and they do.

And so it was okay because it was just a joke. And that's, you know, that's something I had dealt with for almost ten years. And I'm glad that I'm not doing it anymore because I realized I didn't realize at the time. I only realized in retrospect that I was living just a portion of my life and it would bring me down.

And it was such a heavy weight to carry getting away from that now, you know, being a full person for my kids and for my wife, I so appreciate the fact that I was able to remove myself from the situation. You know, I feel much, much better. That's real. I think it's so interesting, too, is that when you did, you were too exhausted. Like you just couldn't pretend to be anymore, that you did receive that positive reinforcement. Right? People like, oh, we do like you.

Because I think that hopefully also played a big role in it too, was like, Oh wait, I was pretending to be someone that I thought they liked. And then when I was just too tired to even pretend they actually liked me because I wonder if it would differently. Had you still received like negative reinforcement That. Probably would have been devastating. Like everyone energy loss to protect myself. So I was just falling. Right?

And so that would just be I mean, it would have been straight to the heart. And I don't know, I would have probably been pretty depressed, but I did. Luckily, I did get that and that getting away from the fire department, having those friends and that support, knowing that we're moving again soon, I'm going to start in that city being myself all the time and hopefully it doesn't take too long. But at some point I'll find my people and then I'll be happy having those people.

I know that I will be much happier finding those people than trying to fight to make myself fit with other people because I just and also people in Tulsa suck. So I'm sorry about there and I'm just kidding. Kind of the ones I knew in Tulsa were not, but the people in Oklahoma City. And so yeah, it's been crazy Like I really just everybody Yeah. Friended here was so genuine and every friend I had there was not. And maybe it was. Just to see how it does.

I wasn't. So maybe that's why. Maybe I was right. Maybe it's your charity too will give you a different experience. But these are going to be Northeasterners, so I don't know New Englanders. Yeah, I don't know either. But I work from the South, like, you know, our way on the South, in the Midwest or whatever you call. But it's not. Ali is a pretty real thing. And, you know, you talk to your friendliness. Yeah. At the start of a conversation or an interaction. Yeah, I don't know.

I'm afraid that, like, if I if people are going to be like, why are you talking to them? Like, oh, God, like, how do I make friends? Like, how do you speak to people like this? Funny, I really enjoyed that, like, standoffish ness in France. I enjoyed that people didn't want to instantly be best friends with you. Oh really? At the same time, it is a little isolating when you're new somewhere and you do want to make friends.

Not having people be like super open at the beginning, but then, you know, it's like the total opposite experience here is like it's such a warm, welcoming place that sometimes it's like exhausting and you're like, I just need a break. I can't do any more social time, even awesomely. So I'm, I'm sorry. But are saying. Even Austin gets tired here and he's like super outgoing compared to me. And he's so in right. Now I don't speak like, okay.

I was going to ask, do you think that it would be so exhausting if you weren't also trying to decode language at the same time? All my friends here speak English. So it's not it's not a language you it's it's it's totally us. So a lot of people at least who are on like the younger side speak English. And especially in the area we live, we're close to the. So I mean, if we lived in the capital, we could learn Spanish because we wanted to, but we wouldn't have to drive.

But we live in a smaller city and so where we live, I'm sure they may understand some English, but they're not necessarily like jumping to speak it. Yeah, so I would rather and I like learning languages, so I'm happy to learn Spanish, but where we are, it's like people don't speak us English as often, at least that we interact.

Okay, well, as we as we get ready to put a bow on this present, is there anything that I didn't ask you about that you think would be pertinent to the conversation to share? No, I can't think of anything I. You thinking of anything? Yeah. I've asked you a lot of stuff. Like, did I pass the test? Oh, absolutely. You have been a great guest. If people want to learn more about Regan Shorter, where should they go? I'll be great. You can find me on Instagram.

My name is styled in a unique way, so it's r, e, g a n, And if you're just into like, photography stuff, you can find me at I Beauty Dot, Regan or Egan, or if you want to see more about my personal life, you can find me on tik-tok YouTube Instagram at Regan Shorter. But yeah. I love following you. I think that you're great. I mean, I also have insider privileges, so I get to see when everything is going to crap and you're. Yeah, the messy parts that I don't share. I'm like, I'm losing my mind.

Your humidity or your humidifier. Going back on like was a little bit heartbreaking for me because I totally forgotten about how bad the in your house is. And so I was like. 90% the next day it was over 90. So it's like really, you live in a sauna? Yes, I am always sweaty. You you do you wear it? Well, I cannot tell right now how humid it is in your room. Well, this is the room with air conditioner. So I don't think it is dehumidifier in this room.

Are you full or is everything fully powered now? It is, right? Mm hmm. Yeah. We've had full power since, I don't know, maybe like October or November last year. And we got our kitchen appliances in February. So since then, it's like pretty, much smooth sailing. That's good. Obviously, there's always something to fix, but nothing is life threatening. I'm wondering like being a homeowner is such a it's such a bait and switch.

You think that you're buying this, freeze it and you're like, this is so much work. But a hobby. That reminds me before before I let you go, there was a situation in which you guys were going out of town and something was happening at your house. Do you remember? It was. Where? Here in Oklahoma. City. Here in Oklahoma City we are. I was like, No, I have no idea. I heard a beeping at your house. Well, that's that's that's pretty vague because I also worked in your security alarm for you.

This is before a security alarm in which you guys are about to leave and go out of town. And me, the firefighter said, I can hear your smoke alarm go off. What is going on? Do you remember that? No. I'm thinking this must have been like 20, 21 or maybe late 2020. I would say it's before we got super close, so. Oh, no, no. It was that home security system that would randomly go off, right? Yeah, because it would be super loud beeping and it would just randomly happen.

And we didn't know how to stop it because it just started one day. And so you went out of town with me as a public safety fire officer, knowing that you had no working alarm system. I, I was losing and I was like, oh my God, Well, I'm not going to do I know about this information. And then when you came back, a little smoke alarm. So it was it was the whole alarm system. So it was like security smoke. So I thought was, let's be honest, we'd never had a home alarm system connected to something.

So when you came back, I was like, Can I please help you take that down? So you actually have working smoke alarms? And that was I think I think that was a turning point for our relationship, was like, let me into your house. Yeah. Because I was like, Please, if you want to do free labor, come on in. I don't want to figure out how to do this. I was at a time when people didn't go in other people's houses anymore.

I hadn't been in my own friend's house in over a year, and so I was like, I would like to help you. Are you okay with that in your life? Yes. Yes, please. I don't know. I feel like that's just how often I approach life. It's like, Oh, here's an opportunity. Does it make my life easier? Yeah. Let's do. It no cost to me for sure. Well, even when it was cost to you, whenever I said, Hey, I put some food, you guys want to buy a plate, you're like, Dinner's already done.

Yes, please. And I was like because. We hate cooking. So it's like, Oh, no sweat off our back. Absolutely. And that was there was a nice way to like for me to get introduced to somebody because generally I'm cooking for free for all my friends and stuff. And sometimes I get better. I'm like, I made all this food and nobody is pitching. My mother and I was, Hey, you know, you guys, do you want to buy it?

And you're like, Yes. The next time I set one of those boundary things, right, where it's like, Oh, I don't want to resent people because I put myself in a situation with like, yeah, if I want people to pitch in, I have to say that I can't assume that they'll know. I'm definitely a volunteer whenever it comes to food. I'm like, I want them like, Yes, I will do the food. And then I turn myself in to evict or whatever, whenever.

It's not that I want so much praise or I want what I just want people to pitch in something to the events like bring dish it, bringing drinks or bring something, and then I'm cool, whatever. I cooked everything and then we bought the drinks and then we provide the paperwork and then nobody helps clean up. I was cold, man. I was really mad. I also happened to have a couple of time. I was like, Kate, I don't know if I can cook for anybody anymore because I'm she's like, Really?

And I was like, No. No, that's so funny because I'm like, Yeah, if someone doesn't tell me to do something, I'm like, I don't think twice about it. I'm like, Oh, if they don't tell me, they must not want me to do it. Yeah. And I think that's so important to understand that everybody really moves through this life so differently. And if you don't say what you need from people, they're likely to forget it.

And that's, you know, like I said, getting to be a partner with my wife is that I had never communicated to her what I expected her to be as a wife. I but if you don't see it, you know it's like, how are they supposed to know? They tell you they can guess 20 times. They will into it. Yeah, they'll guess. But if they don't, I feel like it's like, Oh you can't assume it's out of malice. Like I have to work on this all the time.

Yes. That's, that's, that's been a big game changer for me is I'm just assuming that people are not being malicious until they prove me otherwise. Right. And say, you know, if like, if I ask them and they're like, yeah, I'm trying to ruin your day, I would, Oh, wow. Okay, Julie, success. You did it. But anybody I consider to be even semi friendly has never that's never been their goal.

They've just been like, Oh, I just didn't realize that that's how you saw not that in a I'm going to purchase differently or can you see it this way that I see it and you know it's just a meeting of the minds and I think it's so important to have those conversations with people, people you care about. But even people that I have to work with, I think it's important to have those conversations or else people just hate each other and nobody even knows why. Yeah, exactly. But that's hard.

Like, that's not something that I think comes naturally to most people is to like, open up and ask where state, you know, like, I don't like what you're doing. A lot of people don't enjoy confrontation in that way. And so it's hard. But I think that's, you know, no matter, if it's your partner or your coworkers or whatever, just open communication solves a lot of like, you know, what they say about assumptions and aspects of you and me. That's true, though.

And really, I mean, and, you know, there's also the saying that discomfort is where the growth happens. And so it's like uncomfortable conversations and all of a sudden you, you know, level up that relationship. So fast just because you're like, this is so awkward. I don't want to talk about this, but hey, this thing happened and I felt this way about it. And they're like, Oh my God, I am so terrified. I did not that.

And then all of a sudden really good friends because they cared about you and didn't realize that thing. And you found out how much they cared because went back to the system first. So yeah, I'm open communication, Major to you. Educate. I want to make my final comments here because it's almost coming up on 2 hours and I don't want to take up your entire afternoon. Because if you're right. No, like I said, I like to just talk. I really like you.

So that's why I like to talk. Well, thank you so much. I'm going to say that it's really all about just being me. And if this were anybody else, you would have been like, Get me off this call right now. Some people, you'd be shocked. But I am not shocked to see you like talking to me because I like talking to you. And generally that goes both ways that good conversation takes to at least two.

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I really appreciate it for putting 2 hours into I didn't didn't plan on taking on so long, but I really enjoyed the conversation and I hope that everybody listening did as well. Check out Regan Shorter on all the all the channels. You want to find out more. Until next time. Be yourself and love yourself by everyone. So I'm going to stop recording now. Okay?