Welcome to Association Chat Podcast, the podcast for association professionals. You're going to walk away from each episode with thoughts on life's challenges mixed with a little bit of humor. I'm Kiki Litalian, and this is an Association Chat Shorty episode where we explore a little bit of everything. Today, we're talking about something that we will all face at some point in our lives, and that is grief. I know, not a funny topic.
So here's a question I've been dealing with personally this past week. Why is bereavement handled so differently? everywhere. I lost my mother after a sudden illness. And to say that it caught me completely off guard is an understatement, but not because she was in wonderful health. She wasn't, she was 84 years old. And so, you know, the possibility of this happening, it wasn't so remote.
In fact, my sister and I had spent the previous year, just trying to get her into a place, um, independent living place where she would basically have more socialization with other people and, uh, have somebody looking after her. But I had no idea. of the physicality of grief, the actual impact on my own health, not to mention this emotional impact that has hit me like some sort of brick in my chest, the weight of which is, it's getting a little bit easier, but it's really, really hard.
My sister and I, and my, my two older. We're, we're lucky in that we had set everything up from a power of attorney to talking through her end of life wishes. We had her will and testament drawn up and she'd agreed to that. So like this stuff was not catching us off guard. So I don't want anyone to, to hear this and to think that we were in some sort of unhappy, terrible situation when this event occurred. And yet. I still felt and feel so unsure about what to do.
One minute I'm going through my life like normal and the next I don't know if I need to wear black, celebrate life with bright colors, go to my normal dental cleaning appointments, uh, I'm breaking down in the mall during back to school shopping. I mean, like I was not prepared. Considering this is something that's going to happen to most people at some point in their lives, you know, I, I was, I was shocked, um, at how ill prepared I really was. So what's the deal? Why is this so hard?
Why doesn't our culture make it easier to know what to do? After all, the only things that we know we can depend on are death and taxes, right? I mean, that's the way it is and we laugh about it and Yet here we are and I think back to people who have lost their parents before Right the people I know and I had no idea of the the just absolute impact it has on many people. So here's the thing. Grief's confusing. I mean, who really knows what to do?
In the United States, the way we handle it is all over the map. Used to be a lot more clear cut. used to be pre World War II, people would wear black for a certain amount of time. And then it became like an armband that was a black armband. And that indicated to people in social situations, Hey, look, this person might be dealing with something that's hard. Maybe we treat them a little bit differently, a little more carefully.
Um, because they're going through something difficult versus my situation where I'm going through a mall trying to take my daughter back to school shopping and I have someone accosting me to try to put moisturizer on my face and I'm like, I want you to go to hell. I don't want to think about moisturizer on my face. Take your tester and go away. I've lost, you know, um, somebody who means a lot to me. I am existing in a world in a way I never have before.
Because for the first time ever, I'm existing in a world where my mother isn't alive. And it's like, everything is just sort of different. Also, what about going back to work? You know, in a lot of you know, in the United States, a lot of workplaces have like three to five days bereavement leave. I'm really fortunate the place I work, we have unlimited leave if we need to use it. But like, Do you really, right? You always feel like you have to go back. There's stuff that needs to get done.
And so I tried, you know, my mother, uh, she passed away on a Monday. Immediately my sister and I had to take care of, you know, things like securing her apartment and all of these things that are like. You know, what, what are we doing with the body and, writing an obituary and, putting all of these things into order. And it took us a few days just to do that. And then I thought by Thursday I could try to. Go back to work. It was a huge mistake.
Let me tell you, don't try to go back to work that that quickly if you're ever in the same situation because, um, it did not distract me at that point. It I did the whole day. I went through the whole day. It was very difficult. My brain was not 100 percent there.
Okay. And so, um, The Friday I went ahead and took off because I realized okay, this was a bad idea lucky long weekend I come back, but I'm telling you this is an unusual situation For me, even though it's not an unusual situation For a human, right? We're all gonna deal with loss So honestly, I think that The weirdest part is how little we actually talk about what works for us emotionally when we grieve. So here's my take. Do what feels right for you.
Bereavement should be as individual as the people we are mourning. And if you're unsure, Just ask someone, talk to people. Most people are grateful when you care enough to ask about what they need. Um, I am so thankful when people reach out and just so show a little bit of caring, the people who showed up immediately with like, cards and just letting me know that they cared, that meant the world to me. But here's, here's a weird thing.
What's, what is the strangest funeral tradition you've ever heard of? So I had a job for the Joplin Globe when I was in college writing obituaries. So I've heard of a lot of strange things in my day, but one of the most surprising that I just recently heard about because I'm just, you know, fascinated by this stuff, Taiwanese funeral strippers. I'm not even kidding. Check out a DVD by anthropologist Mark L. Moskowitz called Dancing for the Dead Funeral Strippers in Taiwan, published in 2011.
Let me tell you, um, this is not what my mother's memorial service is going to be like in any way. By the way, she was unique and larger than life, but not in that way. But just so you know, if you really want to take it to the limit, there are. Funeral strippers, they exist, they're a thing somewhere. So, thanks for tuning in. I know that this is supposed to sometimes be comedic and fun, this one, this shorty was a little bit different. I think hug your loved ones. Talk about the hard stuff.
I'll And maybe think about how your association handles bereavement policies for your staff. After all, the grieving process is difficult enough. Everyone grieves in their own way. So I will catch you next time as always. Keep asking questions to learn every day. As Joseph Campbell once said, the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. Have a great rest of the week, everyone.