Will I Ever Find a Job I Like?

and welcome to the show. Today. We have a bunch of interesting questions to tackle, including someone who has an ethical dilemma, someone who isn't sure how to answer a question that she keeps getting at new jobs, someone who's pregnant and has coworkers who are being strange, and more. This first question is from someone who is wondering if

she'll ever have any job that she likes. Hi, Allison, I wrote a rambling letter to your blog a while ago, and when I was incredibly stressed out and floundering at my new job. I managed to work myself out of that immediate deep hole. But I'm still struggling with being happy at work while I feel like the malfunctions I'm dealing with in my current job are reason enough to leave. There's a part of me that wonders, will I ever

like any job I hold. I spent my twenties either hating my office like jobs or pursuing a more creative career, only to realize I didn't like it and I wasn't really that good at it. I told myself that I should stick with what I'm good at, which are more technical minded roles, but um with project management and process improvements sprinkled in there, and that I need to find out how to balance the good and bad with work.

At thirty, I started a decent job and quickly got a promotion, but the company laid off workers earlier this year due to losing a major client, so I decided to look elsewhere. Not to mention that the culture there was pretty negative all the time. I thought the job I started in April would be better, but my manager is terrible and the leadership of my team and department is very poor. Not to mention I'm drowning in work

and can't stop stressing about it all the time. I have a tendency to care too much about work and second guest myself. It's also really difficult for me to just ignore things that can be improved at work, which I think drains me. I'm having trouble looking for a new job again because I'm terrified I'm putting all this effort in just to hate my job again. I started working with a career coach to help me figure out what it is I want to do with my career.

But I'm still concerned that I'm just not going to like any job that I go to. So my question is, how can I like my job when there's always going to be things I don't like about it? How can I leave work at work and not stress about it all the time? Well? I think there are a few different possibilities here. One is that you are in the wrong field. You know, you picked work that you're good at,

but that doesn't mean that you like that work. And it's okay to not want to spend forty hours a week or more doing something just because you happen to

be good at it. I mean, I might spend some time thinking about the parts of your jobs that you have actually enjoyed, not just we're good at, but really felt good about doing, and it might not be an obvious field like project management, may be something small like, oh, I've really enjoyed talking new clients through our services and how we'll work together, or oh, I love the days when I get to work totally alone with data and don't have to talk to anyone, or who knows what.

But if there's anything at all in the jobs that you've had in the last decade that you did enjoy or at least didn't dislike, think about those things and see if it leads you anywhere. Because it's possible that you were overly practical when you chose this field, and that you've got a course correct by really leaning into the stuff that you like. And you mentioned you're talking to a career counselor, and I'm sure they're going into that stuff with you. The second possibility is that your

field is fine, but you're picking the wrong jobs. And this one might be something that the career counselor doesn't get into so much. But I think it's really worth thinking about because it's really really common. How much due diligence are you doing when you accept a job? Are you just kind of accepting any job that gets offered to you, which a lot of people do, or are you really interviewing employers as much as they interview you, you know, doing research on what it's like to work there,

and picking really, really carefully. Most people do it the first way, not the second way, And honestly, sometimes people don't have the luxury of doing it the second way. I mean, sometimes you just need a job, period, and you don't have the option of being picky. But when you're not selective about what jobs you take, you're much more likely to end up in a situation where you don't like your job, where the boss is horrible, or the culture sucks, or the workload is overwhelming or so forth.

So before you conclude that you hate your field or that you just will never like a job at all, i'd really reflect on how much vetting you've done of your jobs before you've taken them. If the answer is very little, then I think it would be premature to assume that the problem is the field or that the

problem is you. In that case, the thing I would try next is to start being much more deliberate and careful about vetting the next job, which also includes vetting the boss, because there's often red flags in the interview process that people either don't notice or don't pay enough attention to and often it's because you just get focused on getting a job offer and you lose sight of the fact that interviewing should be a two way street

where you're assessing the company right back. So that means really paying attention to cuse that you get about culture and about management style, and it also means going outside of the formal interview process to get information about how things really work there, the stuff you might not be able to find out in an interview. Linked In can be really helpful in this because you can see if anyone in your network is connected to anyone who works there or used to work there and might be able

to give you the inside scoop. It doesn't even have to be people's first degree connections. It could be second or third degree connections, like if your old co worker is connected to someone who's connected to someone who's connected to the company you're working for, there's a good source of info. And especially if they don't work there anymore, people are often more willing to give you real candid information. I actually think that is one of the best uses

of LinkedIn. UM. I mean LinkedIn is is also very helpful as sort of an automatically updated rolodex for everyone you've ever worked with. And I think this is the other way that it's super helpful. Obviously, some people also find LinkedIn very helpful for recruiting and finding jobs, but a lot of people don't, and for those people, this is the value that Lincoln can bring to you. Okay, So Possibility one is that you're in the wrong field.

Possibility too is that your field is fine, but you need to vet jobs more carefully before you take them. Possibility three is that, yes, it is something that you are bringing to the situation. You said you have a tendency to care about work too much and to have trouble ignoring things that work that could be improved, and

that that drains you. And you are right that there will always be things that a job that you don't like and for people who tend to care to uma, which it can be hard sometimes to know where the line is between. Yeah, this is an ideal, but it's not a huge problem and I can live with it, versus this is truly toxic and I should get out. One way to help calibrate it is to look at what people around you think. If you have some coworkers who seem generally reasonable and they have good judgment and

are reasonably accomplished. What's their take. Are they like, run for the hills while you have the chance, or are they more like, Yeah, it's a little annoying, but not a big deal. That doesn't mean that you always have to feel like other people around you feel, And frankly, a really dysfinctional workplace can warp your sense of what's normal, So there can be danger in relying too much on the opinions of other people. But it is one data point to look at. The other thing to look at

is what the impact is on you. If something at work is bugging you, is it bugging you in principle because you think something should be running better, or is it having an actual direct impact on your ability to do your job and on your quality of life. If it's just annoying you on principle because someone is wrong or because you would handle something differently, I mean, believe me,

I get that that stuff. I'm like the Queen of being annoyed on principle, but at the point where it's affecting your mental quality of life even though the work thing itself is not impacting your quality of life. That

stuff I would work and letting go. You know, they're presumably not paying you to care more about that stuff than they do, and it's okay to decide I'm at work to do this very specific job that they're paying me for, and I don't have to care about things outside of that scope because someone else is handling that, even if they're handling it differently than I think they should, And there can be real relief and even liberation in

just deciding to care less. On the other hand, though, if the things that you are bothered by are directly affecting you, and you mentioned drowning and work, and that would certainly qualify, that's different. Those are cases where I think you should explore whether there are solutions that would improve things for you, like in the case of an overwhelming workload, talking to your boss about prioritizing what's on

your plate and potentially moving things off of it. If that doesn't work, then you know that this is part of the package of having this job, and you can decide from there if it works for you or not. But I think getting real clarity on what doesn't doesn't affect you and very deliberately choosing not to focus on the stuff that doesn't may help you get clearer about what's really going on here. It's hard to say for sure with the limited info that I have, but these

are the places that I would start digging into. Okay, next letter, Hi Alison, I'm not sure how to answer some questions from my colleagues after I started a new job Boston Times. I will have just started a week or two or even a month in and I'm always asked, what do you think about this place? How do you like it here? Or even more phlammic thing, do you like your new job here? I know that my colleagues are coming from a good place and I want to get along with them, but I don't want to sound

or say anything off putting or alienating. Do you have any suggestions on how to answer this type of question? Thank you so much. In the vast majority of cases, this question is really similar to how are you, and that people are saying it to be warm and polite and are expecting you to complete the exchange by saying

something warm and polite in return. They're just looking for you to say something like, oh, I'm getting settled in everyone seems great so far, or so far so good, or you know, there's a lot to learn, but I'm really enjoying it. They are not usually looking for anything beyond that, like a confession that you're overwhelmed or second guessing your decision to take the job, or that you

have some real doubts about the boss. And if someone is looking for that kind of answer and they're not your boss, that is often going to be someone who is into drama, and you don't want to feed that. Now. I said if they're not your boss, because this is different when your boss is the one doing the asking. With your boss, there is more room to have a real conversation, like if there's more training that you need, or the job doesn't seem like what you signed up for,

or you need clarity about something. Those are things that you can definitely discuss with your boss in response to this question. But with everyone else, they're usually just trying to be warm and welcoming and to connect with you in some way, and so you just respond in kind with something like so far, so good, and then you can keep the conversation going if you want, by asking things like how long have you been here? And tell me more about the work that you do and things

like that. Most people like to talk about themselves, and you can build relationships through those conversations. We're gonna go to a quick break here and come right back. Accepted a job for a little over six months ago at a rapidly growing startup company. At the time, my role was intended to serve under a senior manager to help with the high volume of work. At the time, the pace seemed a little low, but I was desperate for

a new job and accepted without negotiating. However, not even halfway through my time at this company, the senior manager left and I was given her entire workload. While I was stressed for to say the least, I set up to the plate and make sure everything continued to run smoothly. I was thanked immensely for my hard work, but not offered a raise or promotion. Here we are a few months later. My company has hired a second person to share responsibility with my assigned tasks, but I'm still swamped.

I've been told numerous times that I will will receive a performance review once HR finalizes their new initiative for raises and promotions, but I'm growing frustrated. What has really triggered my dissatisfaction was recently finding out that co op students my company has hired this quarter are getting paid more than me. I've gone ahead and address my workload as well as salary concerns with my manager, who cannot make any promises about when and how this will be resolved.

Is there anything further I can do? Thanks? Maybe there are definitely things you should try first. I want to say that in general, in most cases, you wouldn't normally ask for a raise until you've been there for a year, even if you realize that you should have negotiated better when the offer was made. Once you agree to a salary, the understanding is generally that you're agreeing to work at that salary for a period of time, and usually it's going to look off if you ask for the salary

to be revisited sooner than a year. But there are some exceptions to that, and this is one of them, because when your job changes significantly from the one that you accepted, it's reasonable to revisit compensation at that point. If you were really given your manager's entire workload, that is a huge change, and that is a reason to revisit how much you're making now. You said that you have been told a bunch of times that you will get a performance of you at some point once HR

finalizes some processes. But the performance review isn't really the issue here. I mean, yes, let's get you a performance review if you want one, but the more important thing right now is the salary. And you're still being paid for this previous, more junior version of the job rather than for the significantly increased amount of responsibility that you've taken on. You don't need a performance review for them

to correct your salary. So I don't want you to play into that idea because that is making it more complicated than it needs to be. So what I think you should do is go to your boss and say, you know, I understand that HR is in the middle of new processes for raises and promotions, but I want

to request that my salary be addressed now. I was happy to help out when Jane left and to pick up her workload, but it's been several months since I've been doing her work as well as my own and shouldering significantly more responsibility than the job that I was brought on to do. And I'd like my salary to reflect the way the job has changed. Can we adjust my salary now to reflect that the work I'm doing now is different than what I was brought into do.

If your boss tells you that yes, it will happen at some point, but doesn't say when, then you can try to pin that down a little more. You can say something like, I'd like to get a more solid timeline in place for this, because it's been several months. What do we need to do to get this addressed? And frankly, you can also say, I am concerned that the co op students we've hired are being paid more than me given our relative contributions, and I'd like to

correct that. But if that doesn't produce any results, then at that point there isn't much more pushing you can do, and so you would have to decide if you're willing to stay in the job at this level of pay or if you want to look elsewhere. And it's also possible if they do come through with a raise at some point, you can push them to make it retroactive

so that it covers this period. Some companies will do that, some won't, but it's you can definitely ask one caveat to all of this, though, and it's important you did say that they hired someone else to help with the workload. So if your workload is now just a bit higher than before, that isn't something that I would make this strong of a pushover workloads change, and that is just

how it goes. And in that case, you can't be quite this aggressive coming at it from a place of of course they need to fix this, but if you've really taken over most of your old manager's job, then go for it. And one other thing which won't help you now but might help in the future. I totally get that when you get offered a job and you're feeling desperate, it's very tempting to just accept without trying to negotiate salary. But it almost always does make sense

to ask for more. I mean, there are some situations where it doesn't like if they met or exceeded the amount that you said you were looking for, or if the offer is already really generous for your field, or if you know that salaries for this role are fixed and they don't negotiate, But in most cases it does make sense to see if you can get a little bit more because you can often get a lot more money just by asking for it at that point, and it typically will never be as easy to get a

raise later on as it is to get a higher salary during the offer negotiation process. So even when you're feeling desperate, don't let that be a reason not to ask. Okay, next letter, I'm calling because I have a bit of an ethical flamma that I started having to say a work recently, and I was wondering if you could help me out. I worked for a conglomerate of doctors, so the hierarchy within the offices or office is very different

than a normal corporate work environment. But recently, my supervisor has asked that me and my fellow co workers in the same position in our office and the other offices that we work with, reports weekly about the doctors and residents when they are coming into the office in the morning. So it's it's it's very confusing, um because the doctors that we work with, some of them are specialists, and it's not those ones that we have to report about, but it's the doctors that we work with every day.

They are the doctors who would be our immediate supervisors and We were told when we were asked to do this that they didn't want any of it in writing. So my supervisor came out to all of our locations, came out to us on location and told us and said that it was just her and the CIO that wanted uh disinformation, and that we were not to tell

anybody about it. Not really to discuss it, but it just it troubled me that they're asking for documentation about our supervisors are like quasi supervisors arrival times, but they also want no written record of this, and I just feel like it's a very strange ethical Blaman, I was hoping you could help. Oh, this is interesting. So there are very legitimate reasons that they could be asking you

to do this. They could have gotten reports from patients or from other people that doctors aren't there when they're supposed to be. They could be in a position where they're genuinely concerned that doctors aren't there when they need to be, but they're not in sight to see it for themselves, and so they're asking the people who are to let them know what's going on. This isn't the best way for them to handle it, because of course

it's going to make you and your coworkers feel uncomfortable. Ideally, they would just talk to the doctors directly about what's going on. But maybe they've done that and it's still unresolved. We don't know. In that case, Ideally they then talk to you, but in a different way, instead of just asking you to keep a log without giving you any context. They could say something like, we're trying to get a

handle on the flow of doctors in the office. Can you give us a sense of what hours you typically see each person keeping Are people there in the morning, when patients show up, and that kind of thing. But it's hard to know what's going on behind the scenes, and it's possible that they do actually have some reason

for handling it this way. It's also possible, of course, that they don't, and that this was their first step before they did any of the other things I talked about, in which case they aren't handling it well and they should have a conversation with the doctors who they're concerned about. But ultimately, that's their call and it's not one that you get to make. They do have the right to expect you to do this if they ask for it.

I'm guessing that the thing about telling you not to talk about it or put it in writing is because they don't want the doctors to know that they're observing this, because they don't want people changing their behavior because they know it's being monitored more closely. They want to see what's actually going on without anyone being tipped off and changing anything. And I totally get why that feels ikey to you, but I do think you've got to do

it since were told to by a supervisor. I would just remember there really could be reasonable cause for this that you're not privy to. That said, if you have decent rapport with the boss who asked you to do it, it is okay to ask about it. You know, you could say something like, to be totally transparent, I feel really awkward about doing this without our doctors knowing. Is there any context do you can give me to help

me understand why you want us to do it. You may not get a full explanation, but it might prompt them to give you a little more context. And it's a reasonable thing to ask either way, as long as you explain that the question is coming from a place of just feeling a little uneasy about it. Let's do one ware break here and then I'll be back with the question from a woman who is pregnant and one

of her co workers keeps calling her mom. Why Allison. First, I want to thank you for your fascinating and informative podcast. I'm calling today to talk about pregnancy related issues in the workplace. I am presently about six months and very visibly pregnant. While I have so far avoided the workplace discrimination that some women encounter during pregnancy, I'm noticing a number of other, less serious issues that still caused me concern.

I've been at my job for about two years. My office is a relatively large and compartmentalized workplace, and my job is primarily research and writing based. So while I'm friendly with my coworkers, I often work alone and I like to keep my personal and work lives separate. But since I've become pregnant, it seems like many of my co workers consider this to be an invitation to pop into my office unannounced or stop me in the hallway to talk about my pregnancy and ask me some very

personal questions. Over the past couple of months, colleagues, including people who I don't know very well, have made comments, are asked uncomfortable questions about my body size, my personal life, and my career plans following the birth of the baby. Frequently, the same people we'll also ask me the same questions, and we'll make the same comments over and over again. Here's a sample of some of the questions and comments I've heard from colleagues. Wow, you look like you're ready

to pop. When are you do? I'm sure it won't belong now. How are you feeling? You look so sick? We're tired? How many more kids do you plan to have? Or? Most troubling, Lee, I'm sure you're planning to quit after the baby is born. Right. One coworker in particular stands out for his behavior. Shortly after I began to show,

my coworker asked me when I was doing. I had not told him that I was pregnant, so this was a total guest on his part, But because I had already shared the news of my pregnancy with my boss and select colleagues, I confirmed that he had guessed. Right. This is not a coworker that I interact with very often, but suddenly he was going out of his way two or three times a week just to talk to me about being pregnant. Most insulting to me was when he

started calling me mom. At first, I tried to use short answers in body language to let him know these comments and questions were unwelcome, but he didn't seem to pick up on these signals. Eventually, I pulled him aside to explain how uncomfortable I was with that nickname and to ask him not to do it again. I further added that I didn't like to talk about my pregnancy at work unless it affected my work. He said he understood, but thirty seconds later he turned around and asked me

again when I was due. I appreciate that most people are either genuinely happy for me, or maybe just a little nosy but mean no harm. Well, I suspect there might be a colleague or two prying to determine whether or not my job will open up after I take maternity leave, which it will not. I truly believe that most people only have good intentions. I also know that a lot of women enjoy talking about their pregnancies, but

I'm just not one of those women. There are, of course, legitimate professional reasons to discuss my pregnancy and maternity leave at work, and I am not bothered by these questions and discussions with my boss and my team who will be affected by my time off. I have been very open and proactive about the amount of time I plan to take, what work I can do in advance, and what work will need to be completed by others while I'm away. It's only the unnecessary questions and comments about

my pre nancy that are troubling me. How can I navigate the situation. I'm trying my best to be polite and put things in perspective, for these comments and questions truly make me uncomfortable. How can I make it clear that while I'm pregnant work, the boundaries about my personal life remain the same. It's so gross that he called you mom. People are so weird, to be clear. I'm sure there are some women out there who would not

have a problem with that, but so many would. And it's presumptuous to do that to someone if you don't know them well enough to know for sure that they would be fine with it. It's bad enough when you've got pushy relatives doing that kind of thing. It's even weirder and more out of line when it's a coworker and a coworker who you don't even interact with much, that people are bizarre with the nosy questions and terris

of comments. I do think you're right that most people are just happy for you and are trying to connect in a warm way and not realizing that it feels boundary crossing to you. And I think for the more my yelled comments, the easiest thing to do is to just take them in that spirit and to feel free to then quickly change the subject. Polite people will pick

up on your cues. But if someone keeps asking you how you feel or otherwise raising your pregnancy in a way that you don't like, it's totally okay to say, you know, I appreciate your concern, but I'm actually trying not to talk about it too much at work. Thanks for understanding, And again, polite people will get it. For people who comment on your body, like saying that you're huge, it's so weird how pregnant women's bodies suddenly become fair

game for people to comment on like this. Isn't it anyway? For those people, you still might find it easier to just take it as okay. This person is attempting to connect with me, even though they are doing it in an awkward way. But if you want to, it is also completely fine to say, you know, it's never a great idea to comment on someone's size, even when they're pregnant. You might educate some people that way. Who knows that. You also don't have to take that on if you

don't want to. It's fine to just like raise your eyebrows and change the subject or whatever you want. They're being a little rude, and it's not on you to have to find a way to smooth it over with people who ask if you are planning to quit after the baby is born. This is so offensive even when

people don't realize it. It's harmful to women who do plan to return, because when people assume that or reinforce that idea, it can impact what kind of projects and promotions women are given, and in some cases it even leads to employers being hesitant to hire women of childbearing age,

even if only subconsciously. So you are free to respond however you want to that You could say wow, no, what a weird assumption, or no, And it's pretty damaging for women when people assume that or Wow, you really shouldn't say that to pregnant women. Seriously, call that crap out. I mean, you don't have to get up in a soapbox and start handing out pamphlets about the Pregnancy Discrimination Act. But you can absolutely respond in a way that makes it clear that the question is BS and out ofline.

And if you do the soapbox in the burchers, I support that too. As for that guy who was calling you mom, I think you handled it perfectly. You know, you tried to use and polite cues that his comments weren't welcome, and when that didn't work, you addressed it with him very directly. You were perfect. The fact that he then asked you another pregnancy question thirty seconds later, it doesn't mean that you didn't handle it well. It

means that he's an ass. It's totally okay with this guy to get even more direct if he keeps doing it after that conversation, It's fine to just be like ron, I asked you to stop dwelling on my pregnancy. Please cut it out. And one more thing for people listening, in addition to what this color is describing about how these questions feel so intrusive and boundary crossing. It's also important to be thoughtful about how painful this kind of focus on pregnancy at work can be for people who

are struggling with miscarriage or in for to letty. And in many cases you have no idea who those people are, So this is just a plea for all of us to remember to be a little bit more thoughtful. That is the show for today. If you would like to hear your question answered on a future episode, you can record it on the show voicemail at eight five work at eight five five four T six nine six seven five. You can also email a sound file of your question to podcast at ask a manager dot org. I will

be back next time with more questions. M