Tone in Job Interviews

episodes that were all about tone. One was just generally about what kind of tone to use in tricky conversations at work, and one was about getting your tone right when you're a manager. Those were some of the most popular episodes of the show, and I've had requests to do more of them on tone and other specific work situations.

So I thought that today we would talk about tone and job interviews, because that is an interesting situation where a lot of people feel like they're supposed to be pretty deferential, but where in fact you will usually come

across better if you drop that deference. Now, to be clear, that doesn't mean that you should be aggressive or adversarial and job interviews you of course should not be, but you will usually come across as a more confident and a more appealing candidate if your tone is more matter

of fact, more collaborative, something closer to peers. So I thought we could talk about the tone that you want to strike in job interviews in general, and then talk through some specific tricky situations that you might find yourself in when your job searching, and what an effective tone of voice will sound like. So let's first talk about tone and job interviews in general. Job interviews have really weird power dynamics in a lot of ways, more so

than other work situations do. A lot of people go into interviews feeling like the interviewer has all the power and they have none, and they want something that the interviewer has a job, and so they feel like they need to be very deferential throughout the whole process, and that is not the right way to approach it. If you are a good candidate, you have some power in this situation too. This is not a situation where you're just waiting for someone to decide to pick you, like

on the Bachelor. You should be evaluating your interviewer right back and thinking about whether this is a job that you want and a manager who you want to work with, and a company that you want to work for. You don't need to be really deferential, like you're a subject talking to the king or the queen. You need to be polite, of course, but that is different from deferential. The tone that you want to use is actually really similar to the tone that you would use in most

other business meetings. Friendly, collaborative, and direct. Think of yourself as talking to a colleague you don't know very well, and where the two of you are thinking about working on a project together, because that actually is the situation here. You're both trying to decide, not just the interviewer. Both of you are trying to decide if it makes sense

to work together. It's not just you waiting for the interviewer to pass judgment on you, which is the approach and the vibe that a lot of people take into an interview room with them. So that means things like you don't need to apologize excessively if you aren't available at the very first interview time an employer suggests, or you don't need to act like you're committing a major crime.

If you decide to turn down a job, you're an equal partner in this conversation about whether or not to work together, even if you really really want this particular job. And it's important to remember that because it will lead you toward using the right tone and toward sounding like a confident equal. And that's a lot more appealing to

good employers than sounding overly deferential. Is now, I should say there is actually an exception to that really bad employers, because really bad employers sometimes do screen for people who are overly deferential. Not deliberately, you know, it's not like they're in their hiring planning process meetings and they say, we really need to find someone who's going to cow

tow to us. It's generally more unconscious than that, but at some level, bad employers often do screen for people who are very differential because they want to hire people who will accept very bad treatment as employees. So if you're ever talking to someone who does some hiring and they tell you, oh, no, I actually like to see defference from job candidates, you know, I like it when

people really lean into the power dynamics of interviewing. That is, someone who is revealing to you that they are probably pretty terrible to work with. You want to screen them out, and it is a good thing to do that. Now, all that doesn't mean that there aren't still some power dynamics in interviews that you need to play along with.

There are, and they usually show up as double stand words like it's okay for your interviewer to answer their phone in the middle of an interview, but it generally would not be thought okay for you, as the candidate, to do that same thing with being late. You know, your interviewer can get away with being a little late and you can't. And that is just how the conventions on this stuff are. But it doesn't translate into meaning that your whole tone and demeanor needs to be super deferential,

because it doesn't. Okay, let's do some specific conversations that you might have while you're interviewing and what your tone should sound like. So let's say that you're sitting in the interview and you're asked a question that you're just completely stumped by. You have no idea how to answer it, So first, don't try to bluff your way through it, because they will probably be able to tell and that will make you look bad, far worse than if you're

just honest about it. But what is being honest about it actually sound like? So it could be the say, you know, I actually don't know the answer to that. When I have encountered similar things in the past, I've done X and Y, and that usually gets me pointed in the right direction. So matter of fact and confident, your tone isn't conveying that you're mortified or that you're

worrying that you've blewned the interview. Your tone is saying that you are a normal human, and normal humans don't always have answers to everything, and you're comfortable with that, and that's actually pretty appealing, and in fact, that will probably be very intuitive if you think about how you want coworkers to handle it when they don't know something. You don't want them to blow a bunch of hot air, you know, you don't want them to just bluff their

way through it. You want them to give an answer that is is a matter of fact about the fact that they don't know, but also where they don't sound totally shaken that they don't know. Now, obviously, if the answer to that one question is very crucial to you getting hired. Then that's not great, but you know that was going to be the case no matter what you said, so you might as well sound pleasant and matter of

fact and not freaked out by being imperfect. And for most situations where one single interview question isn't make or break, that's going to help you. Okay, let's make it a little more nerve racking. Let's say that as you're talking to your interviewer, one of you realizes there's a mistake on your resume. Maybe they point out that your resume says that you left your last job in two or something like that. You don't need to run out of the room and shame or beg forgiveness or let it

throw you off your game. The rest of the time, you just say, oh, no, thank you for bringing that to my attention so I can fix it. I am normally a neurotic proof reader. So this is mortifying. Now. Remember how with the example just before about not knowing the answer to the question, I said you don't need to sound mortified, But here I am actually saying the

words I'm mortified. And that is because in this case, you need to convey that a mistake on your resume, a document that is expected to be really polished is out of character for you. You need to sound like you take it seriously without sounding like you're gonna leave and throw yourself down the elevator shaft as penance. Let's do another one where you've messed up a bit. Let's say you're stuck in traffic and you're you're realizing that

you're gonna be late to the interview. Now, ideally this won't happen because you've allowed yourself a buffer, but you know, sometimes it happens, and maybe it's your fault, maybe it's not, but either way, now you have to call the employer and tell them that you're running late, which no one wants to do for an interview. The thing here, kind of the same as with the resume mistake, is that the interviewer has no way of knowing if this is par for the course with you, you know, if you're

someone who's always late and as cavalier about it. So you've got to convey with both your words and your tone that this is not your normal MMO. So you want to sound a little mortified, and you want to make it clear that you take it seriously and This is actually an example of one of those double standards I was talking about earlier, because it is true that your interviewer can stroll in twenty minutes late your interview and not sound mortified about it. But convention says you

are supposed to be on time as the candidate. I don't want that to undercut my message at the start of the show about how your equals because you are. This is just about recognizing the convention around this type of thing. So when you call it sounds like this, I'm so sorry about this. I had left with plenty of extra time, but there is a massive traffic jam on three that looks like it's going to make me about ten or fifteen minutes late, and I realized that

is later than you had planned. Well, that's still work for your schedule. So the tone is concerned and taking it seriously, but also not you know, throwing yourself on their mercy. You're still an adult equal. Let's do a short break here. We'll come back with some examples where you are not the one messing up your interviewer is. Let's talk through more example of tone when you're interviewing.

Let's say that your interviewer asks you an inappropriate question, like asking about your religion or your plans for having kids, or something else they shouldn't be asking about. Now, I do want to know that, despite widespread belief to the contrary, it's actually not illegal in the United States for an interviewer to ask you about those things. There's no law that says they can't ask about your religion, or your ethnicity,

or whether you're married, or plans for kids. What is illegal is for them to make a hiring decision based on your answers to those questions. So the question itself legal, Doing anything at all with the information illegal, and so because of that, smart employers don't ask those questions. You know, it's opening the door for you to think later if they reject to you that maybe it was based on your answers to those questions, and that's asking for legal

trouble um. You know. One exception to this I should note is actually disability. It is it is goal for them to ask direct questions about disability, But for the other categories that people tend to limp in, there no just using the info anyway. Some people will ask anyway, as in some cases it's because they're ignorant of the law, or they don't care about the law. But in a lot of cases, they're just making small talk without realizing

that they're straying into dangerous territory. Like someone might ask you if you have kids because you've just moved to the area, and they're making small talk and they're going to offer some helpful advice on their local schools or something, and you're sitting there thinking, crap, are they weird about parents? And they were trying to figure out if I'm going to need to leave early for childcare pickup or something,

So it's all very fraught. What do you do when you get asked one of these questions that you really shouldn't be asked. Honestly, if your sense is that the person really is just making small talk, they're just trying to be friendly, you will generally get a better outcome

if you take it in spirit. But if you get the sense that something sketchier is going on, one option is to answer the question that you think they're really trying to get at, Like if you think they're asking if you have kids because they're worried that you won't be at work reliably, you can sidestep the question of kids and just say something like, oh, there's nothing in my personal life that would interfere with my ability to work the hours of the job and to make the

work a top priority, so breazy speaking directly to the concern. If something is more overtly offensive, or if you just can't figure out what they're really getting at, you can always say why do you ask? The key here, though, is that you have to say it in a friendly, pleasant tone and just sound curious, not piste off. I mean you don't have to, of course, but if you're still interested in the job and you want to preserve rapport, why do you ask? Is a good way to respond

that doesn't seem wildly adversarial. You could even say, I've never been asked that before in an interview. What makes you ask? So? Curious? Pleasant, not defensive? Just why do you ask that? Let's do another tricky one. Let's say that you're interviewing with a company and you found that they have really awful reviews on something like glass Door. Not like one or two bad reviews, because those can be outliers, but a real pattern of just terrible reviews

from their employees. You can ask about that, and really you should ask about it because unless you're in a desperate position where you need to take just any job that's offered to you, you want to know what you're getting into and you want to see how they respond. Do they just give you some public relations fluff or do they engage with the topic in a serious way that sounds like they're making real changes. But you've got to ask about it in a way that doesn't sound accusatory.

You don't want to make them feel defensive or like you're calling them out on something. You want to sound like you're saying, basically, hey, I saw this thing that concerned me. I know there might be more to it. What can you tell me about it? So that might sound like this, I've noticed that the company's reviews from employees on glassdoor include a lot of concerns about culture and work hours, and I'm curious what your take is on that and if it's something that the company is

working to change. So inquisitive and curious, but not accusatory. And really, if someone reacts badly to that, that's going to tell you a lot. Okay, let's say that you're interviewing for a job and You're talking to a bunch of different people there, and as you do, you're hearing conflicting things about the job. One person tells you that the focus is X, and another person says, oh, X isn't as important as it used to be. Why is really where this person will will be focusing or whatever.

But the idea is you're hearing different things from different people, and it's important enough that you want to get it clarified before you could comfortably take that job. So maybe you say something like this, I've noticed that I have her different perspectives on the job from Jane and Bob and Olivia, and it sounds like, on one hand, some people want to see the job focus on X, but other people really think it should be focusing on why.

Can you help me get a better sense of how those are going to be balanced and whether there is internal alignment about what people want to see from the position. So again, the tone here, matter of fact, curious, here's this thing that I've noticed, can you just help me understand it better now? I took a look through some past letters at the Asking Manager website that we're asking questions about interviews where tone was especially important, and I

thought we could talk through some of those two. One person wrote in about an interview that they had where their interviewers all seemed to have some kind of problem with the job itself, the job that she was interviewing for, and they kept saying things like, well, what do you think is missing from this job description? And what do you see as problematic about this job? And she, of course was wondering what is going on because it seems like a red flag, but she wasn't sure how to

figure out what it was really about. So when something in an interview is confusing you, it is okay to ask about it. In a situation like that, you could say something that sounds like this, I'm curious about the questions that you're asking. It sounds like you might have some concerns about how the role is structured. Am I reading that correctly? Or maybe it's this I'm curious to hear your thoughts on that question too. Do you think

there's something problematic about the role? You ought to be pleasant, your tonys to sound curious, not annoyed, But you're there to get information just as much as they are, and it's okay to ask about what you're hearing. If it's not clear to you. Another person wrote in asking if there was a way to ask if they would have

to work much with one particular person. Apparently there was someone who was just like rude and horrible throughout the process, and they had heard bad things about them, and they were wondering, is there a way to say, you know, hey, I'm interested in the job, but how closely would I be working with that guy? You can't say it like that, of course, but you could say something that sounds like this, I have so enjoyed getting the chance to learn more about the job. Can you give me a sense of

how my role interacts with Bob? How closely would we end up working together? If at all? The tone here has got to be neutral the way I just did it. You don't want it to sound like you're saying I don't want to work with Bob. The person you're talking to is probably going to figure out why you're asking, but it's important that you do it in a way that sounds professional. Well, we are zipping through these examples, which is good because it means we can fit in

a bunch more of them. Let's do a final break here, and then I want to come back with a whole bunch more, including how to talk to a hostile interviewer, and also how to talk about an especially sensitive topic being fired, and lots more. I sometimes get letters from people who encounter truly hostile interviewers, interviewers who are just jerks, and you figure out during the conversation that there is no way in hell that you would ever take a

job working for this person. If you are in that situation, you don't need to stay and be abused. You are allowed to end the interview early, just like the interviewer is allowed to do that too. The most low key way to do it is to say something like this. You know, as we're talking, I'm getting the sense that the fit here wouldn't be right. I really appreciate your time, best of like filling the position, but I think we should probably wrap up here. And that's the tone, polite

but matter of fact and firm. But if you want to be more direct about it, and sometimes you might want to, if you're not worried about burning a bridge, it could be something like this. I have to be honest, your tone is really throwing me here. I don't think we would work well together, so I don't think it makes sense to keep talking, but I appreciate your time meeting with me, and I wish you the best in

filling the job. That's a or let's say you realize during the interview you definitely aren't going to take this job, but it's not because anyone's being a jerk. It's just clear to you that it's not the right job for you. In most of those cases, it does make sense to just stay and finish it out, because you know, who knows it's possible that they'll have an opening in the future that you do want, so you want to make

a good impression. But if you're like in the middle of an all day interview, it doesn't make sense for you or for them to invest a bunch of hours when you already know you're not taking the job. So in that case, you can say something like this, you know, as we're talking, I'm realizing this probably isn't the right fit for me. I really appreciate the time you've spent talking to me, but I wouldn't feel right taking it

more of your time now. Ideally, you would also say something brief if there's something you're comfortable with that explains what you're reasoning if you can capture it easily in a sentence or two. So it might be something like, you know, as we're talking, I'm realizing I'm looking for something that's more X oriented. Or I hadn't realized the job was so heavily focused on X, or it sounds like we're much farther apart on salary than I had realized.

So again, matter of fact, pleasant, warm, but but direct about what you are thinking. Okay, let's say you have had multiple interviews with the company and they just keep asking for more. I'm not talking about two or three interviews. That's pretty normal, but some people end up with five or six or even more interviews for the same job. If that is happening and they have not clearly told you what remains in the process, you can ask about it.

So it would sound like this, can you tell me more about what steps are still remaining in the process and what you're likely timeline is for a decision. Or you could even say, I'm so interested in this position, but it's becoming harder for me to take time of work for additional meetings. Is there any way we could consolidate some of the remaining steps so the tone there isn't demanding, but it's a sort of it's pleasant, but

it's still as sort of. Now, let's say that you go through the interview process and you get the offer and you want to ask for some kind of perk, like let's say, working from home on Fridays. It helps to frame the request as would you be open to X? Or I'd like X because of why is that an option on your end? And that way you're being direct

about what you want, but you're not demanding it. So if you want to ask about working from home, it could sound like this, my current job is very work from home friendly and I usually work from home a few times a month. Would you be open to me continuing to do that? So very matter of fact? Or you could even tie it to salary, like if they were not able to meet the salary that you asked for. Maybe you decide that you want to ask for one work from home to age week to make the offer

more attractive to you. So it could be this, I do understand you can't go up to X. I would be willing to accept the job for why if I was able to work from home one day a week? Since there's real value to me and cutting back on my commute? Would that work on your end? So the tone here is pleasant, it's a matter of fact. It's not aggressive negotiating. It's not being very deferential and cow towing. You're just two business people seeing if you can figure

out mutually agreeable terms. That's the tone. Speaking of salary, I think people really struggle with tone when they're talking about salary because mostly we're also freaked out by it. There's actually a whole separate episode of the show that is about what a salary negotiations should sound like, So you might want to check that out. It's the episode from April, and it's called what should Salary Negotiations Sound Like?

So if you want to listen to that, do But I want to talk about a piece of salary discussions that didn't get talked about there, which is how to handle questions about what you have earned in the past. Now, to be clear, your salary history is no one's business but yours, and it's pretty ridiculous that employers, some employers still expect you to share it. In fact, it's so ridiculous that some states are actually making it illegal for

employers to ask which is great. Those states, by the way, so you can see if you're in one of them, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Massachusetts, New York, Oregon, and Vermont. But in most of the US, it's still legal for them to ask, and it's legal for them to require an answer from you. So let's talk about what to do if that happens, assuming that

you're not somewhere where it's legally prohibited. So if you are asked what you've been making in the past or what you're making currently, instead try just answering with what you're looking for. Like it could just be someone says, you know, what have you been earning in your most recent job and you say, oh, well, right now, I'm looking for something in the range of X to Y. Sometimes they will accept an answer and not push to

know what you're making now. But if they do push, you can try saying, well, that's actually covered under my confidentiality agreement with my employer. We're not allowed to share the company salary structure outside the company, but I'm looking for X to Y because that is actually probably true. Take a look at your company manual and there is a very good chance that you will find that that is in there, or at least that it's an unofficial expectation.

But what if you get an employer who's really pushing this and just won't drop it. And what if you know that you're underpaid and you don't want them to tie a salary offer to what you've been making. In that case, it could sound like this. Well, one of the main reasons that I am looking to change jobs is actually that I know I'm underpaid for the field I'm leaving in part to get my salary back in line with market rates, meaning X to Y for a job like this one. Very early on in my career,

I is actually in this exact situation. I had been working for a nonprofit earning hardly anything, and I was interviewing for a job that would more than double my salary, and when they asked about it, I said it this way, let's see if I can recreate this. This was years ago.

I said something like, I've really loved the work that I've been doing, and I was willing to do it for well below market rates because I was so personally invested in the organization and I was learning a huge amount that I wouldn't have had the chance to learn somewhere else. But now I'm ready to move on from that stage. And part of the reason that I'm leaving is because I want to be paid a normal market rate. And it worked, got the job, doubled my salary. Okay,

let's do one more, and let's do when that. People get really nervous about how to talk about a past firing in an interview. If you get asked about why you left a job that you were fired from, the key to talking about it is to be calm, not defensive, and not better and actually not a move sal at all for that matter. And to be concise, you really

just need a sentence or two here. I think sometimes people think they're supposed to give a really lengthy explanation new Your interviewer does not need or want all the details, just the upshot. So like, what are two sentences? Here's some examples of what it could sound like. Actually, I was let go. I reported to two different managers, and I got conflicting instructions from each of them, and I didn't speak up about it when I should have. I just tried to make it all work, and ultimately I

dropped some balls. It taught me a ton about needing to speak up early on when priorities aren't clear so that it won't happen again. Or here's a different way you could say something like, you know, it ended up being a bad fit. They were looking for design expertise, and I'm really an editor, not a designer. So ultimately we agreed it didn't make sense for me to stay

in that job. Okay, those were a lot of examples, and hopefully it helped to hear them out loud if they're is another topic where you want me to tackle tone right in and let me know. I'm at podcast at ask a Manager dot org. And also I don't normally make a big plug for my book on the show, but if you have found this kind of sample language useful, you might really like the Aska Manager book because it's filled with sample language for all sorts of situations that

you might run into at work. And there's a whole section on talking to your interviewer. In fact, I took some of the examples today from the book, so if you want to check it out. It's called Ask a Manager, How to Navigate clueless colleagues, lunch stealing bosses, and the rest of your life at work. And you can order it on Amazon or anywhere books are sold. Okay, that is it for today. I will be back next week with our more traditional Q and A format. Thanks for

listening to the Ask a Manager Podcast. If you'd like to come on the show to talk through your own question, email it to podcast at Asking manager dot org, or you can leave a recording of your question by calling eight five five four T six work. That's eight five five four two six nine seven five. To get more, ask a manager at ask a Manager dot org or in my book Ask a Manager How to Navigate clueless colleagues, lunch stealing bosses, and the rest of your life at work.

The Ask a Manager Show is a partnership with How Stuff Works and is produced by Paul Deckett. If you liked what you heard, please take a minute to subscribe, rate, and review the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Google Play. I'm Alison Green and I'll be back next week with another one of your questions.