My coworkers say my boss is in love with me

and welcome to the show. Today. I'm going to answer a bunch of shorter questions from people, and the first question we have is from someone who has a warm, friendly relationship with her manager, but other people don't like it, and she's not entirely sure about it herself. Hi, I have a question. I work in an office. There are about five other individuals in my division that report the same manager. This manager is several years younger than me. I'm in my mid thirties and he is about twenty

years younger than my colleague. My colleagues have and continue to question his authority due to his age and relative and experience in the industry. My manager and I get along fairly well, and although we aren't friends, were friendly. I assume that a lot of us have to do with our age and that we're going through similar life experiences.

We're both newly married and have young children. I realized that he's my manager and I keep him at a friendly distance, but I fear that more and more frequently he's coming to me as a friend chat almost on a daily basis. So I have two questions. How do I keep my relationship with my manager friendly but make it clear that I don't want it to cross over

into legitimate friend territory. It's not my intention to be its friends, but I feel like keeping an open, warm relationship with my manager and colleagues is essential to my happiness at work due to the collaborative nature of my job. Secondly, how do I manage my relationship with my colleague? I worry that if they see me and my manager being friendly, because they will start talking about me behind my back.

Is well, what troubles me is that they've already started teasing me that our manager is quote in love with me simply because we are friendly ish and are of opposite genders. I don't want that to get out of hand or may get up the change to HR just someone who doesn't see it as a joke. How do I nip this on both fronts? Or should I just continue to maintain my friendly distance as my manager and ignore my colleagues comments. Thanks for any insight, I appreciate it.

There's a lot going on here, and your colleagues, who I think, if I'm doing the math correctly, are in their fifties, are being really childish. Okay, first, let's talk about how to keep the relationship with your manager friendly

but not friends. And having an open, warm relationship with your boss is a great thing, and you're also right that at the same time, you need to be thoughtful about making sure that it doesn't start feeling more like actual friends, because I can cause all sorts of problems like not getting objective feedback when you need to hear it, or appearance of favoritism to others, and people questioning if you're getting special treatment whether or not you really are,

and plus the power dynamics make it weird. Like with a true friend, if you wanted to say no to plans or talk to them about something that they did that upset you, you could do that, But when it's your manager. The power dynamics can really complicate those things. Anyway, it sounds like you already know all of this and you know that you don't want it to become a friendship. But I'm listening that all out for people listening who might be thinking, what's the big deal? Okay, so how

do you keep the boundary? I think it's fine to talk about shared experiences like both having young children, but

you want to watch out for getting too personal. Like it's fine to talk about how you're handling sleep training or how weird those parent and child dance classes are, but you probably want to stay away from more emotionally intimate stuff like how having kids has affected your relationship with your spouse, or the way that it's making you read visit some hard stuff from your own childhood or

so forth. It's the emotionally intimate stuff that you want to avoid, and I know in some ways that can suck, because being vulnerable can be such a powerful way to connect, But in this case, you're trying to avoid that specific type of connection. The other thing I would look at is how much the two of you are talking. If you're routinely having our long conversations about non work stuff

that's too much. You absolutely can have real conversations about life with your boss, but just put limits on it, like ten or fifteen minutes here and there is completely fine, But when it's frequently going longer than that, then you're

more in a problem zone. Now you mentioned that more and more often he is coming to you to chat as a friend almost daily, and this is tricky because power dynamics can make it weird to push back on that, and because he's your boss, you probably worry that seeming chili or standoffish could affect your work relationship too, And this is one of the reasons that being friends with the boss is bad, by the way, because you shouldn't have to worry that the way that you manage a

friendship will affect you professionally. Anyway, I think you can take a light touch in setting boundaries, but still set them so like when he comes into chat, it's okay to be on a deadline or about to need to make a phone call. You can say, hey, can I catch you later, I'm about to jump on a call, or after talking for a little bit, you know, well I better get back to this. I've got to finish

it up. Before I leave today or so forth. As long as your tone is warm and friendly during the conversation part, you should be able to do the I've got to get back to this part without seeming chilly. Now, let's talk about the other part of your question, managing your relationship with your coworkers. They've started teasing you that your boss is in love with you, which is so incredibly inappropriate. This is a workplace, it's not grade school,

and they're playing with people's professional reputations here. It's really not cool. I'm also not loving how they're questioning his authority because of his age and his relative inexperience in your field. You said you're in your mid thirties and he's a few years younger, so he's like, what thirty ish. It's not like your company hired someone twenty two and straight out of college with no work experience to manage your team. So your co workers are they sound like

they're being kind of awful. Now, if he really doesn't have the expertise to manage the team, that is a legitimate issue, but you didn't mention that that's what's going on. So I have the impression that your co workers are

maybe not the greatest anyway. I do think you have to put a stop to the comments about him being in love with you, because, in addition to being bizarrely juvenile and just inappropriate for work, that really does have the potential to affect his reputation and potentially even cause

hr problem for him. So the next time that you hear something like that, shut it down and do it in a pretty stern tone so that it's clear that you're not joking, because I'm worried that otherwise that will become part of the banter that they think they have going on, is they say it and you protest. So make it clear from your tone that you're serious. Say something like that's really not funny and that could cause a lot of problems if someone here's that and didn't

know that you were joking. Don't say that again. And if you get pushback on that, say I'm serious. You're being really reckless with people's professional reputations. Stop so stern serious, not joking around, and your colleagues are acting like children. Okay, I hope that helps. Here is our next collar. Hi Allison and loving the podcast. I'm actually a new listener and side I'm listening to the back catalog and I just listened to the episode on salary negotiation, which I

sounds super helpful. My question is most job offers I've had in the last five years or so have come to me via email, um, in an attachment, something like that, and I'm wondering how to broach the conversation when you're not already talking to the manager if that makes sense. You know, in the examples that you gave on the podcast, you talked about when they make the offer, counter immediately

with the are you flexible with the salary, etcetera. But when you're receiving this in an email and you're trying to get back to them, how do you start that conversation, especially if you don't you're not sitting at the desk or on the phone with them in that moment. I really appreciate your insight, Thank you so much, But ah, you want to get on the phone for this if at all possible. So if the job offer comes in an email, you reply to the email and you say,

I'm really excited to get this offer. Could we set up a time to talk by phone in the next day or two. I have a few questions that I wanted to talk through. That's it. And then when you get on the phone with them, you start by reiterating that you're really excited for the offer. You see something like I was really glad to get the offer. I'm excited about this role and the work that you do. Thanks for making the time to talk through some of

my questions with me. And then maybe here you ask something else that you're wondering about, like what kind of start date they're looking for, any other questions that you have, and then say, and you don't need to if you have a list of like eight questions, you don't need to run through them all before salary, but I might do one or two and then say do you have

any flexibility on the salary? And then you go from there with the negotiation advice from the episode that you referenced, and for people who are looking for that episode, if you want to listen to it, it's the show from April and it's called what should Salary Negotiations sound Like?

We'll go to a quick break here and then come back with a question about what to do when your boss asks you if you have a problem with him, Hi, I have a question about when your boss in a performance review suddenly asks you what you have a problem with him? And this just happened to me recently, and I was floored. I didn't know what to say because there are things that I don't particular care of that he does. But I felt like it was a trap and that he would just get defensive and angry. So

I just tried to deflect any answer. But how do you handle something like that? And when you're asked that point blank and you do have things that you don't like about your boss, but you can't just say I don't like that you do this because they're your boss. I would like to go back and kind of answer the question, but I don't know how to do that.

You know, I don't want to generate defensiveness on his part, So if you could give some advice on on that type of question, it would be great, Thank you very much. So my first question is are you assuming that he will get defensive and angry, because he has a track record of getting defensive and angry. If he does, this is someone who has forfeited any right to expect honest feedback from you. I mean, if managers want honest feedback, they need to create an environment where it's clear that

is safe for people to give it. That's the price of having power. And really, even when a good manager does do the work to create the kind of environment where it's clear that it's safe to give feedback, where it's clear that you won't be penalized or responded to with anger or defensiveness, some people still won't give their managers feedback. That's just how it goes, and a reasonable

manager should know that. Anyway, back to your boss, if he has given you reason to believe that he will react badly to candid feedback, I would go with a very bland answer like, oh, things are fine. You know, there's nothing in particular that comes to mind. You might feel weird saying that it's hard to stomach saying that

things are fine when they aren't. But if you have reason to believe that being honest will make life harder for you, well, I mean, that's still a choice that you might decide to make at some point, but it should be after a lot of thought, not on the spur of the moment because he happens to ask you

and put you on the spot. On the other hand, if your boss has a pretty good track record of being open to feedback and taking descent, well, then it's an opportunity potentially to improve your working relationship and maybe benefit both of you. You still don't need to answer on the spot, though. When he was doing your performance review, he had had time to prepare and think about what he wanted to say and how he wanted to frame it.

And there's no reason that you can't have that same kind of time to reflect to and make sure that you're framing things the way you want to you because so often with high sensitivity topics, if we just wing it without really preparing or reflecting beforehand, it often comes out in a much less productive way then if you do have time to prepare beforehand, which is why good managers don't do performance evaluations on the fly, and you shouldn't have to do the equivalent of a boss evaluation

on the fly either. It's fine to say, can I give that some thought and come back to you in the next few days or talk about it at our next meeting. Now, in this case, your boss wasn't just asking for feedback. He asked if you had a problem with him. That's a more specific thing, and it sounds like he's gotten the impression that maybe you do have a problem with him. So the first thing that I would want to understand in your shoes is why he

thinks that. So I would use a tone that expresses a little concern about him having that impression, and see what else you can find out. So this is what you would have done in the moment. If we could go back in time, which unfortunately we can. Ideally you would have said something on the spot like, oh my goodness, have I given you that impression? I definitely wouldn't want

you to think that. Or you could say, you know, I do have some things that worry me, but I'm concerned that I've given you the impression that I have a problem with you. Can you tell me more about what's concerning you? Anyway, it sounds like in the moment you deflected, but which is fine. We do that. That's more human. But now you want to go back and answer.

So if you know him to be someone who will handle that kind of conversation, well you could go back and say, you know, I've been thinking about your question the other day about whether I have concerns about our work relationship. And let's use some examples here, Let's say let me think of an example. Let's say that you feel like he changes his mind a lot after your work is already under way, and it's frustrating and causes you to waste time because you're having to go back

and change your work a lot. So you could say, you know, I've been thinking about your question the other day about whether I have concerns about our work relationship. I do think that we could benefit from a better way of figuring out parameters of projects before I'm too far into them, Like with the X project, I had put in a fair amount of work before hearing that

you actually wanted me to do why instead? And I wonder if there is a better way for us to draw those kind of details out before I've put in a lot of time. It would probably be less frustrating for each of us and save both of us time. Now, the tone there is collaborative. It's not venting. It's not I'm so relieved to finally have an outlet to express my frustration with you. It's constructive. It's collaborative. It's curious, you know, is there a better way? Can we mull

this over? And note that in the language there You're not just saying I don't like that you two X. You're saying I wonder if there's a better way for us to handle X. So it's not just a complaint, it's more forward looking, like can we figure out a better way to approach this? And that framing can sometimes help if you're worried about someone feeling defensive. But again, if it's someone who gets defensive and angry, all that's are off and I would proceed with extreme caution. Okay,

here is our next color. Hi Allison, I'm a recent college graduate in my first real job post college. I work for a fantastic company with a great culture, and I was even paired with a mentor early on in my work process, as some of us work remotely, so I had additional point of contact in my company. I have a team of six people, myself and three other project managers, one support member, and our director. My project

happens to be the smallest on the team. My boss, who is really great, has given me a lot of autonomy in my work, but has recently started canceling or rescheduling our weekly one on one. I get feedback that I'm doing a good job keeping myself organized and on

the right track. How her, Recently, my clients have been pushing back against my work and making suggestions which make it difficult for me to maximize my KPI s. How do I tell my boss I'm frustrated with my clients, and how do I tell her without sounding like I can't man my own ship? Thanks? Okay, First of all, for people who are like, what is a KPI, it stands for key performance indicator, and it's a metric of

how well you're achieving your the goals for your job. So, okay, you are not going to sound like you can't man your own ship just because you want some contact with your boss. And that is especially true because you're right out of college and your first professional job. No one is going to find it weird that you want some contact with your boss and some guidance from your boss. That's totally normal. In fact, what is a problem is when someone early in their career doesn't want that or

doesn't think they need it. That causes problems. This is just you being conscientious. So I would say this to your boss. Could we try to get it back to meeting regularly. I have found that it's really helpful when we do, and now that we're not meeting so often, I'm finding that I have questions and things that I need guidance on. That's it. That's a perfectly reasonable request, and it's completely okay to ask. And then in those meetings let her know what's happening with your client and

ask for her advice and how to navigate it. That is exactly the sort of thing that one on ones are four, and you should use her as a resource when you're running into any weirdness or frustrations with clients. It is true that there is a point in your career where you will be expected to do more of that problem solving on your own, but that point is many,

many years away. I mean, you're a new grad. It makes sense that you want and need help with this stuff, So just be explicit with your boss that you want it. We'll do a final break here and then come back with a question about what to do when your boss freaks out when you're just a few minutes late to work. Hi, Alison, thank you so much for taking the time to answer my question. Um. I'm calling about the issue of tardiness

and offices, especially in New York City. I've heard mixed things from from different friends, and I've had various experiences with sort of what's expected and what's you know, acceptable in terms of the trains being late or you know, something unexpected happening during your commute. The place where I work, UM, my commute is about forty minutes, and I always give myself a cushion of about twenty minutes UM, and that usually works out pretty well. Sometimes I get there and forty.

Sometimes it takes closer to an hour, depending on it there's a delay or a sick passenger, etcetera. So I always do the best that I can to let my boss know that I am going to be late. As soon as I know, I send him a text, and it's never more than ten minutes. However, if I'm even two minutes late, he often sends me like why I perceived to be a passive aggressive text message. Um, this morning he sent me one. You know, I was five minutes late this morning. I let him know thirty minutes before.

He sent me a text that said, UM, you really need to plan ahead for this exclamation point and kind of like kind of like went on a little mini text rants about it, and this he kind of does the exact same thing every time this happens, and it doesn't happen very often with me, and I consider myself a very good employee. I've always meet my deadlines, I'm rarely rarely late, and when I am it, you know,

it makes me mad. And so it's like it's even worse to get to work and then have my boss be passive aggressive with me about it, because it kind of seems like, aren't we adults and can't we just have an understanding that, um, you know that sometimes things happen, and if you're five minutes late, and when you're not late for a meeting or something, I don't I don't know. I'm not trying to question the rules. I'm just asking.

I'm wondering how I can move forward at this job where I feel shamed for being five minutes late when I felt that I've done everything I can do and I'm getting all my work done and I'm getting accolades from my work and keep I'm generally well aliked at work. This is really the only issue. My boss is often just like moody about certain topics, and I never really know when he will be moody. Um, So anyway, I do try to handle this with professionalism and just you know, respond,

But it's like, is it rude of me too? When he says you really need to plan ahead for this, is it rude of me? Does then respond and say, oh, I know I did plan ahead. I um, today it was just a particularly rough day. Sorry about that. I mean, I don't know. I feel like, you know, the more it happens, the more it gets under his skin, and but I feel a bit often, but you know, things are going to happen, and it might happen once every couple of months. Okay, I don't like the answer that

I'm going to give here. You're not gonna like it either. I think maybe you need to leave ten minutes earlier. And the reason I don't like this answer is I agree with you that in most jobs, being five or ten minutes late just should not be a big deal. Obviously, there are jobs where it is a big deal, like if you have to cover phones or work at the front desk or other jobs where coverage is really important.

But for a ton of jobs, and I'm assuming this is the case with yours, being five or ten minutes late occasionally really should not matter. But there are bosses who think that it does, and it sounds like you have one of them. He is going to chastise you for it every time it happens, and he's going to send you I rate texts, and maybe he's going to think you're less reliable because of it, which is incredibly unfair and unwarranted. But it is the reality that you

have to work with. It's a stupid reality, but there it is. Given that reality, I think the way to solve the this probably to leave ten minutes earlier. That will mean that on days when you don't need that buffer, you will get there earlier than you need to. And that is how it goes. And I get that it's annoying.

I would be annoyed. But when you're telling your boss, you know, I did plan ahead, but the commune was unexpectedly bad, he's skeptical because after it's happened a few times, I'm very sure that what he's thinking is that planning ahead would mean giving yourself a bigger buffer than you are, and he is probably thinking that you should realize that. And again, this is stupid if it doesn't happen much and if it doesn't impact your job, but you have a boss who thinks it's a big deal, So that

is what I would advise. Annoying as it is, I will say that my advice would be different if we weren't talking about ten minutes. If you're going to have to leave like forty five minutes earlier than you are now, or an hour earlier, just to keep this from happening a couple of times a year, I would say that was unreasonable enough that you shouldn't do it. But if just minutes, we'll solve it. That's what I try. The other option is to try to sit down and talk

to him about it. I'm kind of skeptical from the way that you've described his responses previously. I'm skeptical that this will work. But you could give it a shot. You could sit down with him and you could say, hey, you've made this really clear that you don't want this to happen, but public transportation here can be really unreliable, and I am leaving myself a substantial buffer, and it's

usually enough, but very occasionally it's not. I think I do good work and I'm highly reliable, and so I'm asking if there is a way for us to agree that as long as it's not happening all the time. It's part of the way that the trains work in our city. He may say yes, he may say no, but it could be worth having the conversation if you feel like you have the capital to spare for it, capital in this case meaning you're otherwise in good standing. He likes your work, you haven't just asked for a

bunch of other exceptions to things and so forth. Okay, we've that. Time for one more quick question. Hi Allison, longtime listener and fan of Ask a Manager. Many years ago, one of my first positions was that a small nonprofit and the long story short, I looked it up and the nonprofit has changed its name and it no longer has this name title. Additionally, all of my former co workers have since moved on. So what do I do in terms of this spot on my resume? Do I

mentioned that it's updated? Do I take it off? I was there for a year, so I don't want to leave that off, and I can't even put anyone down as a reference. No one is there anymore that I used to know? What should I do for the spot on my resume? Thanks? Okay, there is a very easy solution here, So on your resume for the name of this employer, put the name of the organization that it had when you worked there, and then parentheses put the

new name. So like, if the organization used to be called Tea Drinkers of America and now it's called T for All. T for All is the organization I dream of running one day, you would write Tea Drinkers of America parentheses, now T for All. That's it. And the question of references, um, just because your former co workers aren't still there, that doesn't mean they can't still serve as a reference. It's really normal for someone to be a reference even after they've moved on to another job.

If the issue is that you can't track them down, I would try linked in. But the other thing is you said this was many years ago, so you probably don't need references from a job that was many years ago for only one year um. In fact, depending on how long ago it was, you might not even need it on your resume at all, as long as you have like ten to fifteen years of your most recent experience. If this was before that, you could leave it off

all together. Well, that is our show for today. If you want to hear your question answered on a future episode, you can record it on our show voicemail by calling eight five five or two six work That is eight five five four two six nine six seven five, or you can email a sound file of your question to podcast at Aska manager dot org. That's it for today and I will be back next time with more questions. H M h