I saw an email I wasn’t supposed to see

I'm going to answer a bunch of shorter questions from people, and the first question today is from someone who found an email that she wasn't supposed to see. Hi, Alison, I have a very strange, an awkward predicament at my job. I have recently been asked to be able to send emails on behalf of my boss and what that means

is I now have access to his email account. Um So today I logged in to send an email correspondence and and one of the first emails in his box was about me, And it was correspondence with another higher up, very vague indicating that maybe there's a meeting that they

need to have with me in the future. But not sharing much detail, and that scared me because of this vague reference to a meeting, and I just really wasn't sure how to react, and I suddenly like just started to cry um and had to make up an excuse why because I was shocked. Anyway, what what would you suggest that I do about this? Should I mention it?

Should I just wait for this meeting to happen? Um? Again, I have full access to his email at his request, and so it was strange to see a chain about me, knowing that I would possibly be logging in and and seeing it. So any advice welcome, thank you. Oh gosh, there are so many things that this could be about

that aren't bad at all. I mean, this could be we have to talk with Jane about that project that we want her to start, or we have to talk to Jane to see if she wants to apply for Bob's position when he leaves in a few months, or we have to talk to Jane to see what her experience has been like with that new software. So many

different totally innocuous things. Or yes, I mean, it is also possible that it is something more troubling, that it's about your performance, which I assume is what you're worried about and why it freaked you out right. So I think the first thing to do here is let's take a step back and think is there anything going on that would make you think that that is the most likely explanation, Like have you been struggling with your work or getting a lot of negative feedback or is there

not really anything like that? And you are someone who tends to jump to worst case scenario, which I would completely understand. I have the same trait myself, But in a situation like this, you want to be really rigorously honest with yourself about knowing if you do have that characteristic or if there actually is something going on externally

that could tie to this. And I'd also think a little about what you know about your boss, is he wanted to talk to you pretty directly when there are problems, versus keeping it hidden and then springing it on you in a surprise meeting with a higher up. And also think too about how your office works, because typically if this was about performance problems, your boss would just talk to you on his own. It wouldn't be a meeting

that he would schedule with a higher up. I mean, there are some offices that work that way, but they're not typical. So basically what I'm saying here is, don't just go straight to panic because there's a message about setting up a meeting with you. Think about what you know about the full situation, all the aspects that I just talked about, and if there's nothing going on that would make you think there are problems with your work, I would really really assume that it's not about that

at all, because there are so many other possibilities. So to whatever extent that you can, I would try to focus on all the many possible other things that it could be about, stuff that has nothing to do with you being in any sort of trouble. But if that does not work and you can't get it out of your mind, one thing that you can do, if you're comfortable with it, is to check in with your boss about how things are going in general. So I don't know how often the two of you talk about how

things are going. Some managers do that pretty regularly, other managers less good managers only do it once a year at performance reviews. But there's no reason that you can't say something to your boss like, hey, I wondered if we could talk about how you feel things are going generally, is there anything that you want me to be doing differently or things that I could work on improving in.

And that's going to either open the door for him to say, yeah, actually, there are some concerns I have that we need to talk about, or he'll tell you things are going fine, or somewhere in between. But it might give you some reassurance that he's not plotting to hold some future meeting with you where you're blindsided by criticism or worse. Sometimes, when you're fearing something unknown like this, it's better for your mental health to just check in

and ask. And that doesn't mean saying, you know, hey, I saw this email. What's that about? Although frankly, depending on your relationship with your boss, you might be able to do that, but it might be enough to just check in generally about how he feels things are going. And frankly, that's a good idea to do anyway, even if you hadn't seen an email like that. So hopefully that helps. But just remember there's so many other reasons for what this meeting could be about. Okay, here is

our next collar. Hey ask a manager, I have a question about coworkers and boundaries. I have a few co workers at my job that makes me feel very uncomfortable with their lack of personal boundaries. I've said at this job for about six months and I feel very welcome and have been very happy with the position. But everyone is more touchy feely than I. In particular, there are two employees that caused me almost daily reef One is

a male and he likes to touch everyone. When I see him in the hallway, he likes to grab my shoulder, my arm, shake it a little, or brush bid me in some way. And I've told him lightly joking in a happy town ha ha, I don't like that, please don't and that hasn't caused him to stop at all. The other co worker is a female and she likes to stand extremely close when she's speaking. When she comes up to me, she is so close that I can feel her breathing on me, and all I can do

is back away. She does this to everyone except for the boss, so it makes me feel like it's a power move regardless of why she's doing it. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, and I don't like confrontations. I don't know how to tell these people to not touch me or get close to me without seeming room or stand offish. How do I go about asking them to give me a whole room? Thanks so much? Ah, Yes, the people

with no concept of personal space. I'm especially arked by this guy who keeps touching your arm or your shoulder after you've told him to stop. And by the way, good for you for being so straightforward about it, because a lot of people don't. They just kind of freeze up and they feel really uncomfortable or annoyed, but they're not sure what to say. So it's great that you just came out and said it. The fact that he

has ignored a direct request to stop is pretty messed up. Now, you did say that you said it in a joking tone, so that's the piece of this that I'm going to

suggest that you change. And doing it that way, you know, making a kind of ha ha, this is kind of a joke is a really common thing that people do, especially women, especially in a situation where a dude is overstepping boundaries like this, because we're socialized to be nice and we are afraid that we will look like we're making too big a deal out of something if we use a more serious tone, and it feels safer being a little ha ha about it because you don't know

how someone might react. It's a super common way to go about it, and I don't blame you in the slightest for trying that, But now that it hasn't worked, I think you've got to say it in a more serious tone. So the next time that he goes to touch you, say this and use this tone. Hey, I told you I don't like that, Please stop. That's the tone, not joking, stern, firm, and you don't smile when you say it, which is another thing that we tend to be socialized to do in kind of tense situations where

we're trying to get someone to stop doing something. You don't need to glare at him, but don't smile because he's apparently not taking me seriously, so we want to show him that you are serious. You shouldn't have to do this, You shouldn't have to get so serious with someone at work, but he's creating a situation where you do. I think in situations like this one, it's people just always worry that they're going to look like they're overreacting

or that they're being a stick in the mud. You know, it's actually very weird for someone to keep doing this when you've directly told him to stop. He is the one who looks weird for ignoring that, not you for telling him to cut it out so firm and direct. Dude, I asked you to stop that. Hell, you could even say it's weird that you keep doing that after I asked you to stop. What's up? Make him feel the awkwardness of what he's doing, because it is awkward and

weird on his side. Now with your other coworker, the one who stands too close to you when she's talking. Some people do just have different personal space bubbles than other people, and sometimes it can be cultural. But it's interesting that she does it to everyone but your boss, because that says she's conscious of it to some degree. I mean, who knows. Maybe she's just intimidated by your boss and otherwise one who knows what's going on. But

we don't have to know why she's doing it. In order for you to ask her to move a little ways back, I think you can actually just be quite straightforward. You can say, oh, you're in my face here a little bit, or I need more space when talking to someone sorry while you take a step back, or whoa, we're awfully close here, let me move back? Or hey, can you give me just a little more room here? Really,

any of these are fine to say. Sometimes there is a trick that you can use with people when you want to ask them to stop doing something and you want to avoid weirdness or tension because they're a colleague and you need to get along with them. The trick and I have mixed feelings about this trick, but it sometimes works so well. The trick is to present it as an idiosyncratic preference of yours, like I have a weird thing about personal space? Can I ask you to

give me a little more room here? You probably don't have a weird thing about personal space. You probably have a very normal desire for what our culture considers a normal amount of personal space. But sometimes presenting it this way, I have a weird thing about X can help the other person save face and prevent there from being awkwardness. You don't have to do it that way. You know you're entitled to personal space without having to pretend that

it's some weird hang up of your own. But sometimes that tactic can be an easy way to get the outcome that you want if that sounds more comfortable to you, and ultimately that's what we want here. We just want you to get the outcome that you want in the way that's most comfortable. So hopefully one of those options feels doable and we'll work. Let's take a break here, and then I'm going to come back with a question about what to do if you're applying for jobs and

every company you talk to you thinks that you're overpaid. Hi, Alison, I've been listening to your show for the past several months and received from really good advice. I need advice on a job hunting situation I've run into recently. I've worked at my current company for almost twenty years, and i found myself looking for a new opportunity due to

the sudden death of the owner of the company. Because I've been with my current company for so long, I'm highly compensated for my position and I'm having trouble getting past salary requirement questions. In the pre interview process. I've had several callbacks related to resumes have submitted. I felt like the phone call was going really great until I

dissked about my salary requirements. When I give my current salary, I'm told it's out of the company's budget and can't get past this point in conversation without sounding desperate, which I'm starting to feel. I realized I likely have to take a salary cut moving to a new position, but need some sample language for that type of discussion, if at all possible, Any assistance you could give me greatly appreciated.

Thank you. Well. The most important thing here is stop giving out your current salary, and I know that's not always possible. Sometimes you get an online application that won't let you proceed until you answer that question. But it sounds like you're running into this on phone interviews too, or maybe in person interviews in some cases, and you have more control over how the conversation goes there when it's not just a computerized application that maybe won't let

you proceed in till you answer that question. So in these conversations, don't give your current salary because frankly, it's no one's business anyway. I know some employers will ask about it, but they are wrong to do that because they should be paying you based on your worth to them, not on what some other company paid you. But they do it anyway, and by the way, that is starting

to change, which is great. There are a handful of states that have made it illegal for employers to ask about your salary history because doing that tends to reinforce salary inequality for women and people of color who tend to be paid less. So tying people's pay to their

past pay just keeps that problem going. The states that have made it illegal to ask about salary history during the hiring process are California, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Massachusetts, New York, Oregon, and Vermont, and I believe there are more considering doing it. So if it's something that you feel strongly about, call your state legislators and tell them you want to see

that kind of legislation past. But say you're not in one of those states that currently bans the practice, and you're asked about what you're earning now or what you've earned in the past, you still don't need to just volunteer your current salary. If you're asked what you make now, you can answer the question they should be asking, which

is what you're looking for. This is actually if you ever watched the news, you'll see that this is a really common technique that people do when they've clearly gone through some sort of media training. They don't answer the question that's being asked if it's not the one they want to answer. They answer the question they'd like to have been asked. And you can do that too. So the relevant question here, the thing that they actually have some right to talk with you about, is what salary

you're currently looking for? That's relevant. So if they say so, what are you making currently, you say, well, I'm looking for something around X. Some interviewers, a lot of interviewers actually will be just fine with that. But if you get someone who pushes and won't move forward until you answer, then you have a couple of options. One is that you can say, well, that's covered under my confidentiality agreement

with my employer. We're not allowed to share the company's salary structure, but what i'm looking for is around X, because that is actually probably true. If you look in your company like personnel manual, there is a good chance that you'll find that in there, or that it's just kind of an unofficial expectation in your company. But if you get an employer who's really pushing this and won't drop it. Then at that point you need to decide if you're willing to hold firm and maybe risk losing

the job opportunity over it, or if you're given. If you're in a situation where you have a lot of other options, you might decide you're not interested in working for an employer who would reject you for not disclosing your personal financial information and who is clearly planning on basing their salary offer to you and what you've earned in the past, rather than on what the job is

worth to them. But if you don't feel like you have many options, then you might decide that as frustrating and unfair as this is, and it is, you're going to play along, But with a lot of interviewers, it won't come to that point if you try these up or tactics. Also, if you do decide to share the number, you don't need to just give the salary and then stop.

You can give some context. So in your case where you think it's going to seem just way too high and it's going to price you out, you can say when they first asked, before you give the number, well, I want to be clear that the figure that I'm earning now isn't what I expect to earn it my next move. I'm unusually well compensated right now, and I don't expect anywhere to match it. I'm looking for something around X, which would actually be a pay cut for me.

In that language, you're still not giving them the number you're making now, but you're giving them a bunch of other context. And if you say that and they insist on knowing the number, you can say, well, it's X. But again, what I'm looking for and what I would

be happy with is why. But really, if you can avoid talking about what you're earning now, do and obviously using this advice requires that you do some market research to figure out what you should be asking for, what a fair salary is in your geographic area, in the market for the type of work that you do. You don't want to just make up a number that sounds good and throw it out there. You want it to

be based in real research. Also for people who are in this situation, but from the other side of it, people who don't want to give their salary because it's lower than what they're looking for now, and who don't want their salary offer tied to that old lower salary. You two can give context. You can say something like, well, I'm currently making X, but it would take why to

get me to leave my current job. And if that second number is way over the current one, like if you're saying, well, I'm currently making forty, but it would take a hundred and two to get me get me to leave my current job, that's going to sound a little weird in most cases, unless you're significantly underpaid for

the market. So in that case, you would give some framing so that it doesn't sound totally unrealistic and out of touch, like, well, I'm currently making X, but I know it's really low for the market, and it's one of the things that's driving me to leave. I want to be making something more in line with the market. I'm looking for something around X. Now. One big note here, the one thing that you absolutely can't do in response

to this question is lie. Sometimes people think, well, if they're just going to base the salary that they offer me and what I've been earning, I'll just give them a higher number. Don't do that, because the problem is that they may verify the number that you give them later on by calling your employer or even by asking you for tax paperwork. That is a thing some employers will ask for your W twos, so if you lied, they will yank the offer. So if you do decide

to share the number, don't lie. Okay, here is our next caller, Kellie Allison. I have a question about a supervise the's use of sick time. Um. He doesn't seem to use an excessive amount of days per year, maybe a little bit more than I do, but I would say somewhere about half his time, like four to six days a year. UM. But I've noticed a trend where many of the days who's calling in or um when

I'm on vacation or I'm working remotely. And now that that's happened a few times, it's starting to feel like he's taking advantage of mine not being president in the office when he's calling in. So I am just wondering when I should address it, or do I even need to? UM, I can't, you know, I don't know if it's really coincidence or not, but it's just starting to bug me. UM, thanks so much. Well, I can see why that feels weird to you. If there's a pattern where if you're out,

he's more likely to be out too. But honestly, if he's only using four to six six days a year and it's only half the sick time that he has available, I would leave this alone because that's not a lot of sick time, and so it's not really something you should address. If he were using more sick time than

his allotment, that's something you would address. Or if the way he was doing it was causing problems, like if these were the exact days that your team needed coverage since you were also out, it would look like an odd coincidence, and I might ask if there were something going on, But four to six days a year, if the timing is not causing major problems, I would let

that go for what is worth. There are some things that could explain why he is out when you're out too, because I mean, maybe he's found there's less work for him to do on days that you're not there, and so he figures that the bar for using a sick day himself is lower on those days because he knows it won't have as much of an impact, or who knows.

I mean, maybe he's drinking more when you're when you're on vacation because he feels like he doesn't have to be so on at work and then he's calling and hungover the next day. I don't know that one's a stretch, but my point is there might be reasons for the pattern, who knows, but if he's only using up half his sick days per year, there's just no way to say

that he's taking advantage in any way. I do hear you and thinking, maybe it's easy for him to call out when he doesn't have to call and talk to you to tell you that he'll be out, But unless you're truly terrifying, I doubt that's what's happening. I mean, I guess it is worth asking yourself if you make it hard for him to call in when you're there, you know, do you quiz him on his symptoms, or make him feel guilty for being outsick, or pressure him

to come in if he can. If you're doing anything like that, then yeah, no, wonder you would rather save his sick days for when you're out and that won't happened. But if that's the reason, that's the flag for you to stop doing that, not for him to change anything. And I know you might be thinking, you know, but if he can pick and choose his sick days. Then he's not really sick, right, But again we're talking about

half his allotment of sick days for the year. It's it's just not it's not over any kind of line, so it's not something to address with him. He gets those sick days as part of his compensation package. I would let it go. We'll do one more quick break here and then I'm going to be back with a question from someone who keeps getting very very early morning phone calls from her office and more. Alison. I was up for promotion a few months ago and in all

the work my boss outlined to meet it. However, I was denied because SEDI leadership in my department said I needed to change some things about my work demeanor, such as being less high energy. I'm looking more engaged in department meetings. This feedback came as a surprise to me, as I hadn't been given any indication in my past two years at this company my behavior is a problem.

I showed the feedback to my doctor and then tested positive for a d h D. We identify that I struggle with impulsivity and variable attention, which explains the feedback. I'm in the process of finding the right medication and developing habits to maximize my focus and minimize distraction so I can be more engaged at work. I have not shared this diagnosis with my boss and colleagues. However, since I'm actively trying to work in my attention issues, it would be helpful if if my team knew what was

going on, so I could achieve target results faster. Should I stay quiet or should I share this with my colleagues and supervisor. I'll be up again for the same promotion a few months, and I really hope to get it this time. Thank you. You know. I would love to say yes, here, share it, but I actually wouldn't in most cases, because there is still a stigma around

mental health diagnoses. Even something is common as a d h D, and there are just too many managers here that someone has a d h D and after that forever interpret anything that person does through that lens. You know, someone else is unfocused one day and it's just human nature, but you seem unfocused and it must be your a d h D. And why aren't you controlling it better?

You don't want to deal with that. Or you also get bosses who once they know that you have a d h D, just will always see you as disorganized or bad at time management, even if you're not so. In most cases, I wouldn't share it, you know. There there are some exceptions. If you have a boss who you really trust to handle this well, who maybe has shared things about her own similar diagnosis, or you've seen being right with other people who have shared with her.

That's a situation where I would feel more comfortable saying yes, But absent some kind of evidence like that, I would be wary about it. But what you can do, and I should stop here and say, this is ridiculous. This is ridiculous with any diagnosis. It's especially ridiculous with something as commonplace and manageable as a d h D. It's

just silly. But people are weird. What you can do, though, is you can say something like, I took your feedback really seriously, and I want to let you know that I'm doing a lot of reflection on it, and I'm committed to improving in the areas that we've talked about. You can even say, if you want, I'm talking with my doctor about whether there might be underlying medical reasons that I can address and that's something that's will work in progress, but I wanted to let you know that

I am working on it now. If you really did trust your boss to handle this well, in some cases, you could tell her the situation and explain that you're working with your doctor to find the medication that will work best, and it'll take some time, but it's an progress. But if you don't have signs that that will go very well, I would just let her know that you've heard the feedback and you take it seriously and you're

working on it. And I want to say for the record, I am very frustrated to have to give that advice because I it's ridiculous that that's the case. And it's especially frustrating because you might have a manager and a team who would be perfectly fine about it, but if you don't know that for sure. I've just had way too many letters and calls from people who did disclose a diagnosis thinking that it would be fine, and then it just caused them problems, either subtly or not so subtly.

So I'm really hesitant to recommend that unless you really do have some sort of evidence that they'll be great about it. I'm sorry that's the answer that sucks. Let's do one more question. Hi, Alison, thanks so much for taking my question. I'm just shy of four months into a new job, and so far things are going great. I get along with my team and feel validated and appreciate it on a daily basis. The one problem I am having is in regards to overtime. I work five

eighths and my shift begins at ten am. I regularly will get calls from the first shift lead between five and five thirty am, asking if I can come in early to help clear a heavy workload. Sometimes I will come in immediately at six or six thirty, and sometimes I will choose the extra sleep and go in at eight. These calls come at least every other week, and often for two, three or even four days in a row.

Since I am not ready to commit to changing my sleep schedule and going to bed hours earlier in anticipation of the possible morning call, I tend to lose quite a bit of sleep during these busy times. It's been made clear to me by my manager that as much as he appreciates my help, the earlier rivals are not required and he doesn't want me to put it in too many hours and burnout. Still, I find it hard to say no and always end up going in at

least a couple of hours ahead of schedule. I want to continue to be a strong and reliable part of the team without pushing myself into becoming an overworked weak link. That's my question. How can I go about setting some boundaries around how early and how often I prefer to be called without coming across as unwilling or ungrateful for the opportunities at overtime. Thanks again, I look forward to your guidance concerning my predicament. Signed a new employee, eager

to please. Oh my goodness, stop taking those calls. Seriously, your boss has made it clear that you don't need to come in early, and it's okay to take him at his word. Your schedule starts at ten am. That means you really don't need to come in until ten am. Unless your manager is telling you something different. You're coming in sometimes four hours early, as six am. You're losing a huge amount of sleep. Sleep is really important for your house and just being generally on your game and

just fear quality of life. It's one thing to very very a key generally agree to come in early, but not as a regular thing, and this constant thing of no notice and you're getting these early morning phone calls waking you up. Please turn off your phone at night, or if you can't do that for some reason, then at least mute the numbers that are most likely to call you from work so those calls aren't even ringing through.

You should do that with no guilty conscience whatsoever. Seriously, just because someone is asking you to do them a favor, and this is a favor, does not mean that you need to do it. And really, this is the kind of favor where the more often that you do it, the more they're going to think that you don't mind, and so the more they're going to ask you. I know you're thinking that saying yes makes you look reliable

and like a good employee. But you know, the way that you look reliable and like a good employee is by working the hours you agree to, the ones that you're scheduled for and doing good work. You absolutely do not need to come in at the crack of dawn just because someone is calling you, waking you up and asking if you will. You don't even need to take

those turn your phone off and have no guilt. Now, if you feel weird about suddenly not answering those calls at all when you have been up until now, you can always say something to the person ahead of time, like you could say, hey, I know that I have been generally able to come in early when you call, but it's been really messing with my sleep schedule, and so going forward, I'm not going to be able to if you're really in a bind, and you can check

with me in advance, not the morning of. I might be able to, but I wanted to let you know that I'm not going to be able to do the last minute early morning shifts anymore. You could even leave out that piece about if you're in a bind and give me advance notice, but you can throw that in if you really would be happy to do that. But really, you don't even need to say that, and you don't need to say any of the whole speech that I just gave. That's just about giving you some peace of

mind that the person calling knows the situation. But you don't even need to do that part. You can just turn off your phone and get some sleep. You're not gonna look ungrateful. You're not going to look unwilling. This is not an opportunity. It's interesting to me that you phrased it that way. You said in your call that you're worried about coming across as unwilling or ungrateful for

the opportunities. I don't know about you. I don't consider an exciting opportunity to be woken up at five am and called into work to come in an hour later at six am, four hours before I'm supposed to be there. You do not need to say yes to this. Turn off your phone and get some sleep. That is our show for today. If you want to hear your question answered on a future episode, you can record it on the show voicemail by calling eight five five six work.

That's eight five five six nine six seven five. Or if you have a longer question when where you'd actually want to come on the show and talk with me, email it to you podcast at ask a manager dot org. That's it for today, and I will be back next week with more questions. Two