I'm the Boss and I Messed Up

did not come out on Monday this week. We're switching back to Wednesdays only, but we're keeping both formats, so we'll still have the format where I have a guest come on the show and spend the whole show talking through their problem, and we'll also still have the format where I answer a bunch of shorter questions from different people. People seem to like both formats, so we're going to

stick with both of them. Today's show is a bunch of shorter questions from people, and our first question is from a manager who messed up at work and is wondering how to handle it. Hi. There, Allison. So the basic gist of My question today is that I am the manager and I screwed up, So now what do I do h For a little bit of background, I supervise a small team before at a software company, and my team is amazing. They're reliable, fast, accurate, amiable, everything

good under the sun. I couldn't ask to manage better people, and I'm really proud of the work we get done every day. So that is why I am particularly embarrassed because I made a noticeable mistake at work earlier in the week. So to explain that, we have a task that requires each member of the team to show up

to work early. We rotate through all members of the team and that includes me, and I didn't arrive to get this test done, and that meant a few of my subordinates covered for me when they arrived at their normal start time. So this didn't ultimately affect our software stability, but it certainly could have. Of course, I did three things, so I immediately notified our work chat um that I

was mortified about the oversight. I took someone else's early start that week to make up for the early start that I missed, and I verbally addressed it during the team meeting with my direct reports, and I reasserted that I'm held to the same expectations and standards as everyone else, and I'm not different because I'm their supervisor. And of course, moving forward, I'm going to do everything in my power

to ensure this doesn't happen again. But generally, this got me to thinking, how do managers hold themselves accountable to their subordinates when they make a mistake. And I was wondering if you thought my response was sufficient or if there's something more that I should do to make sure my team can trust me. And there's one other sticky part of this, and that's that I have a chronic mental health issue that contributed to me failing at this task.

And I discussed that health issue with my own supervisor, but it seemed inappropriate to bring it up with my direct reports. I was wondering, if you agreed, um, and if I continue to struggle despite my best efforts here, what would be the best way to address that matter professionally. So thank you so much for considering this question. Um. I'm so grateful for your website. I'm so grateful for your podcast. It's made such an impact on my professional life.

So thanks for answering. Well. First, as far as how you handled this, it sounds like you have done everything right. You immediately acknowledged the mistake, you apologized for it, you took someone else's early start, and you've been explicit that you believe in holding yourself accountable to the same expectations as everyone else. So if you were my boss, I would be pretty delighted with the way that you handled it. Really.

If anything, it's possible that you air it a little bit on the side of going just a bit overboard. I don't know that you even really needed to do that last piece about addressing it in a team meeting, since you had already addressed it in the group chat. There's nothing wrong with having done that, But I want to make sure that you're not flagellating yourself over this, because, at least based on what you shared here, this doesn't

sound like it deserves flagellation. So I mean, yes, you messed up, but you're human, and humans mess up sometimes that's what we do. I'm curious about how you would react if one of your employees did the exact same thing, immediately acknowledged it and made it clear that they knew it was a mistake and that it wouldn't happen again.

I don't know all the details about what happened, of course, or what the ramifications could have been of you not being there on time, but my hunch is that if one of your employees did the same thing and had the same reaction toward it that you had, you would tell them that it was okay. You know, of course,

not let it happen again. But people are human. So when you talk about holding yourself to the same standards that you hold your staff, to make sure that you're not being harder on yourself than you would be on your staff. Because when you talk about worrying that they won't trust you just because you made one mistake, one that you quickly took responsibility for, I think you are probably being a little bit too hard on yourself and harder than you would be on an employee who did

the same thing. You asked, more broadly, how should managers handle it when they make mistake? And the first thing to know is you will make mistakes. But this isn't like something that oh my gosh, you did this and your a terrible manager for doing it. Other managers are out there working flawlessly every day and never messing up. Managers mess up all the time, because again we're human. That is what humans do. What is important is that when you do get it wrong, you acknowledge it. And

that doesn't have to be a huge thing. It can be a simple as hey, I realized that I made their on call here, I apologize about that. Going forward, let's do X instead. Sometimes it doesn't even require that, if it's a pretty routine mistake that doesn't have a huge impact on other people, it can just be H, I mess this up, can you help me do X

to fix it. It is true that because you're a manager, your actions do carry more weight, and sometimes your mistakes can be ones that have more impact on other people, and it's good to factor that into how you handle mistakes. But I don't want you to feel like just because you're the boss, they're very act of making a mistake, no matter how big or small, is somehow worse because you're not expected to be perfect just because you're the boss.

If that were the expectation, no manager could be successful. And I do hear a little bit of that belief running through the language that you're using. So watch out for that. Let's talk about what you don't want to do. If you make a mistake when you're the boss. You definitely don't want to double down and pretend that you are right all along. You don't want to shift the

blame to other people. But you also don't want to seem so mortified by it that you signal to other people that you don't have any tolerance for mistakes in general, because if you handle your own medium sized mistakes like their giant sized mistakes, people are going to assume that you will do the same thing when they are the ones who messed up. So you're modeling for your staff how you want them handling their own mistakes as well.

So yes, acknowledge it, work to fix it, work to make sure it doesn't happen again, but don't blow it out of proportion either. Now, let's talk about the mental health piece of this, because frankly, I suspect that the reason that you are being so hard in yourself is because you know that it is tied to this chronic mental health issue, and maybe you are embarrassed about that because we are still super weird about mental health and they're still stigma around it in a way, that there

wouldn't be with a physical health issue. And in fact, I am curious if you had missed this task because you were physically sick, would you be beating yourself up as much? I am willing to bet a pretty significant amount of money that you wouldn't be, and that is worth thinking about. You also asked if I agreed that it would be inappropriate to bring up the mental health issue with your staff. I think there's just no need to.

If you continue to struggle with it and you're concerned that it's noticeable at work, you can give them some context, but it's enough to just say that you're dealing with a medical issue that's affecting you in X and Y ways. You don't need to specify that it's a mental health issue.

And in fact, you'll actually be modeling good boundaries for your staff if you just keep it to a medical issue, because you don't want them to feel like they are obligated to disclose their own personal medical details when they need time off or when they need a health accommodation, and so you will be mode all in good boundaries

by demonstrating this is what it looks like. It's okay to just say, I'm dealing with a medical issue that's making me very tired, or whatever relevant piece of context do you want to share, but go easier on yourself because you are human, and that is perfectly okay. We'll go to a short break here and come back with more questions. Hi, Alten, I have a job. There's a question.

I'm a relatively new grad applying for jobs that are out of state, and I've read a lot of advice and listen to podcasts and recently come across the advice to shoot out a blind email to a company manager or lead asking for either an informational interview or twenty minutes over coffee to quote unquote pick their brain when you're visiting in their town. Being according to their stories, it's worked in their favorite each time, and they blamed

at the job. I've never done this, and I feel it tad awkward asking out of the blue for these kind of things rather than applying for a job on their website. But is this the new and recommended way to find jobs out of state or jobs in general? Thanks for your helping. This is a piece of advice that keeps getting passed around and it is not very effective.

So First of all, managers tend to be busy, and managers who have been managing for a while and hiring for a while know that informational interview is often code for I want you to hire me, but I am not being upfront about my intentions. And the same thing goes for I want to pick your brain. It's annoying when people aren't upfront about what they actually want, and this advice is basically telling you to waste the time of strangers who may not even have a job open

that would be appropriate for you. And if they do have job openings and that's why you're targeting them, it's going to be even more obvious what you're doing. And increasingly managers are likely to tell you to apply through their normal application process, and definitely when you're dealing with non small companies, they're going to want you to apply that way regardless. Now, there are some exceptions to this, like very small businesses that are more likely to sort

of wing it when it comes to hiring. As a side note, I don't know that I would encourage you to work for small businesses that wing it when it comes to hiring. They tend to be fraught with dysfunction, but sometimes this approach can work with them, or if you have a very specialized, very in demand skill set. But for most people this approach is does not that effective or efficient. Definitely not more than actually applying for

jobs that are open through the stated application process. I think people give this advice because they want to be able to sell you on the idea that there's some trick to job searching, there's something that will let you get around having to grate cover letters and resumes and apply the normal way, because is telling you to do it like that is pretty boring advice. But really, this idea of blind emailing strangers for most people just is

not very effective. It doesn't mean that it never works, but it does mean that for most people it's not likely to work most of the time. But it's one of those things where because it occasionally works in rare cases, it gets passed around as some kind of trick to getting a job, but it's really not the best way

to spend your job searching energy. Now, it is true that there is real value in building your network, especially when you're trying to find work in another state, but the way you do that is to build genuine relationships, not to ask for coffee for a fake reason that isn't actually what you're looking for from the other person.

The things that will really help you find a job in another state are things like making your move sound like a done deal, like putting on your resume and in your cover letter that you're moving to their area in January or whatever month that you pick, not just I'm hoping to move there at some more this point in the future, or in some cases using a local address if you're going to be able to get there

quickly for an interview. I wouldn't recommend doing that if you can't, because if you put down a local address and they're like, great, can you come in in two days, and you're suddenly stuck explaining, actually, I live across the country, it's going to look deceptive. But if you can be there quickly and there is a local address that you

can use, that is an option. Other things like offering to pay for your own interview travel expenses, and definitely really leaning on your network to help you develop contacts in the area that you're moving to. And that last one does not mean blind email people. It means get the person in your network to introduce you to their old boss who works in the city you're moving to, or so forth, so that you're using real connections from

your network. Okay, next question, Hi, Alison, when I listen to your episodes about getting your tone right and made me think of a question that it's plagued me for a while. I am a pretty rational person. I have a master's degree and have worked in scientific research. However, if I ever do experience any strong emotions, either positive or negative, I tend to reaspect crying. If an emotional skill was one to ten, if I am below with three or above a seven, I tend to cry and

it's hard to stop myself. This can be very difficult because I don't want to seem unprofessional, weak, or unable to handle my workload. Another factor that compounds this issue is that I am currently a teacher who works in the middle school that serves very low income kits. This can cause a lot of emotional stress on top of

what one might experience at a normal job. Is there any wisdom you can share about how to avoid this or alternatively, is there anything I can say in the moment to assure my coworkers that I am not a crazy over emotional wreck, but rather a professional, smart, strong, frequent crier. Thank you so much. I hope you have a great day. So I am someone who tears up easily too. I think a lot of us are. It's true, though, that will crying once or twice that work will usually

be excused. If it's happening a lot, people are going to worry about what's going on. They might worry that you can't handle the stress of the job, or that you're too sensitive for getting feedback or so forth, and you don't want that, so I think the first thing is, if it is happening a lot, look for other ways

to get that under control. There's some physical tricks that you can try that are supposed to help people, say pinching the bridge of your nose or pressing your tongue against the roof of your mouth, or even just making yourself think about something totally unrelated like what time it

is sometimes can cut off the tears. Or if that doesn't work, you can physically remove yourself from the situation until you've regained your composure, Like you can say that you need to go get a glass of water, or excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, and often that's going to give you the break that you need to get it under control. But if you do tear up in front of a colleague, most people will take their

used from you. So if you're a really matter of fact about it and you just say something like, please excuse me my tear ducks have a mind of their own, or don't mind me. I'm an easy crier, but I want to hear what you're saying, so please go on something that signals, hey, this isn't a big deal. Yeah, there's water coming from my eyes, but it's not getting

in the way of me hearing and processing what you're saying. So, in other words, don't let it be disruptive, Assure the person you're talking to you that you're hearing them and they don't need to stop and comfort you, and so forth. And the more matter of fact that you can be about it, the better. Let's do a quick break and come right back. Okay, here is our next question. I have a complicated situation. I am the manager of a

department in a public library. I have an employee who was very kind and helpful, but she doesn't take feedback very well. Um, the person perceives back and some conversations to be aggressive towards her, and she inflates the way people respond to her, which then leads to her feeling insecure about her relationships with co workers in a really

irrational way. She has also overreacted in the past and has tried to quit because she thought she submitted some cardinal work sin which turned out to be a mynor inconvenience. I and my director had to talk her back from the edge in that case. In the past several months, she has been dealing with difficult matters at home. Her husband found work in a neighboring state about three hours away and has been unfful during his travels. Rather than leaving him, she decided that she would follow him to

his new job and resigned from the library. We posted her position and received more than a dozen applicants, a few of which are very promising. As I was about to schedule interviews, she informed me that she is not moving and would like to keep her job. Do I keep on or pushed her to resign she had planned. She has been in this position for about teen months and generally does a good job with with minor adjustments that need to be made in her performance. What should

I do? Thank you so much? So you say she generally does a good job, that she sounds exhausting, she takes feedback badly, and she gets weird about her relationships with her coworkers, and she's tried to quit before for strange reasons and you've had to talk her down. It

all sounds like a lot of drama and distraction. I am curious when she resigned this time, did you feel relief, because if you did, that is a sign that you have probably been accommodating behavior that you should not have been accommodating, and that it might actually be better for your organization to take this opportunity to part ways with her.

I don't know that that's the right move in this case, but I do want you to know that in theory, you're certainly entitled to say, you know, you resigned, and we accepted that resignation, and we're now moving forward word with other applicants who we recruited in good faith, and we're going to stick with the path that we're on and keep your last day as whatever date was set.

And that is what I would recommend doing with someone who was a different sort of problem, Like if she had had a terrible attitude and been a jerk to people, I would go with that plan. But you say she's actually very kind and helpful, So I am betting that will not feel like the right thing to do, especially when you throw in the situation with her marriage, which sounds pretty awful. So there is a middle ground here.

You could say to her, you know, we took you out your word when you resigned, and we put a lot of work into recruiting good candidates, and we have some promising people in the candidate pool now, but we also value you and I don't want to put you in a difficult spot. But if we short circuit the search now and you stay, I want to be transparent with you that we're going to need you to make

some changes. You do excellent work, but you also bring a lot of drama into your relationships here, and I need you to read that because it can be distracting. I need you to work on not responding defensively when you get feedback, and on dealing with colleagues in a calm, drama freeway. And you could give a couple of examples there so that she's clear about what you're talking about, and you could say, if you can commit to doing that,

we can move forward. But if you can't or you don't want to, we'd want to stick with the ending date that you set. And you should also say you know you've resigned in the past and then rescinded it, so I need you to be really clear that if you tell me again that you're quitting after this, I am going to take you at your word and we won't be able to reverse it again. You might feel like, oh, that's kind of harsh for someone who does good work,

but what you've described is actually really disruptive. And you've got to think about her coworkers too, because if they see her being this disruptive and then they had the relief I'm betting of her resigning and then they see her reverse and course and coming back and you being okay with it, the message that you will take a way is that you're either fine with all of the drama or you're not fine with it, but you aren't

being a strong leader and addressing it. So if you do let her rescind the resignation, it's got to be with these conditions on it and a commitment from her to really get that behavior under control. Let's take another question. Hi, I wanted to talk to Alison and figure out a way how to ask my brod to go from working

sides eights two, three solved or four tunes. When I approached her a few days ago, um, she told me she put me on the list because other employees were going to be asking the same thing because we're moving from Kansas City, Missouri, to ln next to Kansas and the drive now is going to be about an hour one way and that just might not work for me

every day. So I need to figure out a way to ask my boss again and kind of make sure that she knows that I'm serious, and then I want to be taken serious to have a different schedule coming up in November because Kansas City and Kansas can get very bad with traffic and weather. Alison, I listened to your show every week. I look forward to it. I just, you know, the one person that I want to give my advice, and I actually want to get my advice more from you than from my mom, who was a

project manager for a teen chief for thirty five years. Okay, so first, for people who don't know this lingo when the color is saying she wants to go from working five eighths to four tenths. That means that right now she's working five eight hour days every week, and she wants to switch to four ten hour days, so same number of hours each week that spread out over four

days instead of five. It is potentially tricky because it sounds like your US as saying other people are asking for this as well, and she doesn't necessarily want to say yes to it for everyone. And there might be good reasons for that, like maybe it'll affect coverage in a way that won't be workable, or maybe there are not good reasons for that, and she just hasn't fully thought it through. Who knows. I think you need to

figure out is this a deal breaker for you? If she says no, you definitely can't make this change, would you leave the job over it. If you would, that will affect the way you approach it. You could say to her, you know, I really love my job and I want to stay in it, but I am very concerned about my community after the move. I could make it work if I can switch my schedule to four tens so that I'm still working the same number of hours,

but doing the drive one day less. I want to emphasize that I really love the company and I love my work, and I want to find a way to make this work if we can. But the drive is not going to be doable for me five days a week. And if she resists, you could say something like I really want to see if we can try to make this work because I don't want to have to leave

the job. Would you be open to trying it as a short term experiment, maybe for one month, and then we can see how it goes and revisit it after a month to see if it's doable. Sometimes it's easier for managers to say yes to something that is just a short term experiment rather than a permanent change, and then that gives you the chance to show that it is workable. The other thing is, you've probably thought of this, but is it an option for you to work from

home at all? Because if it is, you could also propose working from home one day a week, which would also get you that break from commuting. But ultimately, if she does say no, you probably need to decide if you still want the job under these new conditions, with the longer drive and I know that sucks, but it may end up coming down to that. But have the conversation first, show that you really want to make it

work and see what happens. I will say, if you have a really short commute now and you're going up to an hour each way, even just going to four tens might not be enough to make that work for you in the long term. I mean, I'm in the DC area. A lot of people have one hour commutes. It's seen as not that unusual here. But if you are somewhere where it's it's normal to have a ten minute or fifteen minute commute, this might be a major quality of life compromise that you don't want to make.

Even if you do get the four tents, that still means you're spending two hours a day sitting in traffic, and you might not want to do that. So give that some thought too. Good luck. That is our show for today. If you would like to hear your question answered on an upcoming episode recorded on the show voicemail at eight five five six work that is eight five five f T six nine five, or if you have a longer question where you want to actually come on the show and talk to me email podcast at ask

a manager dot org. That's it for today. I will be back next time with more questions and