Breaking Strongholds Part 6: Rejection

There's been this been a few kind of days of sunshine, which kind of thinks, oh, actually, maybe it's not quite so bad after all, and then suddenly there's like a downpour. So I've been caught and caught out a couple of times, even though I am want to carry all my bits and pieces of my umbrella and everything.

flown past. And in my mind I'm thinking, we're at the end of the year, almost at the end of the year already, you know.

be honest, but my week has been good. I've got a slight headache, and I think that's maybe I'm not drinking enough water. Some days better than others. But thankful for or another week, and thankful for his blessings, his showers, even you know, the sunshine. It's been a mixed bag really throughout summer, if you want to call it that.

just yeah, everybody's people. People go to be coughing and spluttering around you. So and I think the.

of others. Absolutely absolutely well. Waiting patiently as always in the wings is our no stranger to Talking Point, author, speaker, psychotherapist, and honorary Talking Point member. And I like to throw that in there. And then she's accepted the cap or not, I'm not sure, but she rears it well and it's

a pleasure to have you. Thank you for accepting our invitation, Allison, and you're back with us to talk bringing down strongholds with concluding the conversations that we started, believe it or not, at the beginning of the year. And we've run through a number of topics for persons who have missed them. You've missed something, go find them on speaker dot com. You can find those and a library of our recorded programs. But Allison, thank you for joining us. How are you doing,

I'm doing I'm doing good. Thank you, Senia, Thank you Angela for having me back. It's good to be back. I love our discussions. I love how stimulating they are. So hopefully today promises to be another enjoyable, stimulating conversation. Good to be back. Thank you, Thank you for coming, thank you for accepting our invitation. As always right, So let's pray and then we'll come back and we'll sort

of tie everything together and launch into our conversation. Definitely, Father, thank you for another week, thank you for another sabbath, Thank you for all that you've done. We are grateful for your mercies that are renewed every morning.

in a very different ways. Sometimes, you know, people aren't necessarily knowing their true history or their true selves or what have you, and you know, they're not being taught that. And I kind of sometimes think the generations that are coming and maybe seeing things less and less, they're understanding

things less and less. You know, the stories aren't being told, and I think it's really important that we do highlight those stories, highlight those people, highlight those pioneers, highlight those heroes, you know, from the times past right up to the present, future and the future going forward, so that actually we can really recognize our and be proud of our culture and our heritage and those people have walked towards us, which I think what bring is quite nice into our

topic as well today because we're talking about dealing with rejection, and I think rejection can come in so many different ways that sometimes actually does change the narratives of our story and our history, whether that's for ourselves or as a kind of you know, from a cultural perspective, we recognize our places within society and how people are viewed in different ways, so I think that will tie quite nice. And so the idea of claiming your self and your

story and your history is a really important one. And similarly, it's was World Mental Health Day this week as well, and interestingly they the thing for this year celebrates on every year the tenth of October is actually to highlight the importance of addressing mental health with your workplace. And obviously that you know, again for most of us we are working, and most of us we are relating to people.

You know, it's good, you know, so dealing with your mental health is an important thing because if things are not great within the workplace, that has actually have a really big impact on your mental health. And I guess linking in you as yourself for some so many people, you know, they work as a means to an end. So to try to have kind of a positive environment that they work in, a positive experience with their work

is really important. But again, the challenges that they may be facing could be because they may feel rejected in their workplaces. They may feel rejected as people, they're not able to bring their authentic selves to their situation. And also, I mean, I'm saying that people going into work, our workplaces have become our homes have become our workplace as well, So again how we position ourselves within our homes and how we can kind of balance everything is really important

as well. So yeah, we love to speak about mental health on this program. It's definitely, you know, something that we want to highlight consistently and constantly. And you know, the rais of the importance of having conversations and not being afraid of dealing with and speaking about mental health difficulties. And you know, throughout this series that we've done with Alison, you know, there's so many barriers, the strongholds that have kind of hinder us and you know, stop us sometimes

from you know, having full productive lives. You know, again different there's different angles and different perspectives on it. Ultimately, and by God's grace and with his help and recognizing who we are in God's eyes as well, can help us with that. So yeah, there's a kind of LinkedIn quite nicely in some ways. You know, it's funny actually because sometimes you know, some of these things you forget

sometimes how much is intertwined with each other. You know, we are who we are as people wantously it's Black History Month, and you know what that spans and what that represents our mental health. It's all linked in. Everything we do is going to affect us. So yeah, So there's a couple of things that have been that are happening this month, and there are a few things for October. We all come to those for future shows as well.

mental health we do that well. And Allison, we were speaking again, I believe this was offline about how relationships and we're talking about rejection, we're talking about narratives, and naturally we're talking about mental health because it mental health really just intertwines with every aspect of our life, every facet of our life. And I don't know if you want to dip into it now or we do that later.

But we were talking about how much of this topic in particular sort of resonates with you, and Angela alluded to that that you've written a book dealing specifically about relationships in the workplace, and so that's something that we hopefully bring you on again. Goodness, don't get sick of us. We hopefully bring you back on again to discuss in more detail and maybe we can do a deep dive there.

But rejection, mental health, it's just relationships. It's just something that you know, you tackle, you address, you notice, you recognize, and it brings for really deep thinking and kind of understanding your place in all of it. So, yeah, looking forward to the presentation and looking forward to kind of unpacking that. But tell us a little bit about how how this particular topic. So it's bringing down strongholds as

we've touched on on on several issues. We've touched on anxiety, stress and worry, we've touched on depression, we've touched on trauma. But you said to me that rejection really opened up, you know, other opportunities. It's also you know, lent itself to a book. I hope I'm not running ahead of myself, but it's also something that you kind of dealt with personally. Share a little bit of insight on that before we go into the presentation, if you don't.

picked up Rejection. And you know, when I was asked to write this this book and it's you know, practical steps to dealing with rejection, I thought, oh my goodness, of all the topics that I have talked about, you know, actually, when I was preparing to do the series, this topic was the one that really took its toll on me because I have faced rejection really harshly in my life, within my within family, in the work place, with you know, socially,

and so I've got very painful stories to tell about, you know, how I have experienced rejection, a lot of which is actually in the book that's going to be published by Stanboro Press. So yes, it did.

reflect and think about my rejection. But I've also been very grateful, right because I have been able to see how I got enabled me to thrive, even in the face of doors being shut in my face, so I could spend the whole evening I it'd probably be you feel free when the book's out to come back and that you talk about that book. But rejection, rejection really is a grassroot problem because people are abundant. Because people are rejected, they go through depression, they go through anxiety.

All of the things that we've talked about that have people have anger problems, trauma, low self worth, all of those All of these things can stem from rejection, rejection. So rejection is really a grassroot problem. It's one of those things that causes havoc in relationships and we end up kind of kind of having difficulties with how we relate with ourselves, and sometimes we are self rejecting as well.

So it's a huge topic. It's one that's taking me on the journey and one that's exposed a lot of a lot of strength that I have as well as a lot of vulnerabilities that I have as well. And I'm sure that probably as we talk about it this evening and as we read the book eventually when it's published in a few months time, we will be able to relate to our own journeys of rejection and maybe be thankful for the redirection that rejection has brought into

in our lives. So yes, it's a huge topic. We all experience it, We will all experience it at some point. We will at times be rejecting of other people as well. But I think a lot of it depends on how we respond to it and how harsh that rejection is and who that rejection is from. So yes, it's a big topic and I'm looking forward to talking about it

in the spirit of talking about black history. We know that as a race, you know, black people have experienced rejection in so many ways, and you know we could be here talking about that all evening as well. So it's got a mental health dimension and it's got a black history dimension, which are all relevant to the show this month and today.

this series has come from. We'll have a look at the text, which is from Second Corinthians, Chapter ten, verses three to five, and it says, for though we walk in the flesh, we do not walk against the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty in God, for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. So that's been the key text, the key

key scripture that we focused on throughout the series. And when we talked about the strongholds, when we did the first session, we talked about the fact that you know, Paul was this was in the Book of Corinthians. So Paul was writing to the people of Corinth, which is an in Greek city, and he used the analogy of a stronghold, a very strong fortress that was used to strategize for war, and he used that to talk to

really describe what spiritual strongholds can look like. And in that he was kind of thinking about strongholds having very high, fortified walls, and he compared the walls to the walls of lies that kind of build in our minds when we go through difficult experiences and we tend to take on negative thoughts and negative beliefs or believe in lies that will hold us down and stop us from growing,

from progressing, from meeting our full potential. And then within these strongholds, you'd have towers, and you'd have towers where you know, people would kind of gather together and strategy eyes and think about how to fight their opponent, and these towers he likened to our imagination, so unhelpful imagination. So if you think about like walls of lies and imagination,

that's unhelpful. And then within the towers, you know, you'd normally typically have captains who would then do the strategizing and try to bring down the enemy. And he likened that to the captive thoughts that we have in our minds when we're held in a stronghold. So a stronghold can be kind of something that protects us, but in this context always talking about what the enemy kind of designs to hold us captive or to bring us down.

So when we talk about a stronghold, we're thinking about a fortified place, but we're also thinking about are from a spiritual perspective, where a particular cause or belief is strongly held. We're talking about wards of resistance in the mind.

We're talking about arguments that are raised against the truth, the character and the knowledge of God, and a fortress that lies in the mind, including maybe things that are factually true, but that things that are not necessarily the truth, as in the what's written in God's words, anything that's an obstacle to our wholesome purpose, growth and fulfillment in

life and anything that holds us captive. So in the very first session, we talked about what strongholds are, and then we went on to talk about worry, fear, and anxiety as a stronghold, and we talked about, you know, some of the kind of symptoms for anxiety and how that can manifest us a stronghold. We went on after that to talk about depression and how that looks medically

and how that looks as a stronghold. And then we talked about knowing your wealth and this is about self worth and how low self worth can manifest as a stronghold. And then we went on to talk about trauma and that was that was quite heavy going and how trauma can be a stronghold. And here we are today talking about rejection. But I want to suggest that rejection can cause us to experience anxiety, worry, year depression, trauma, low self worth, anger, all sorts of things. So that's why

it's such a it's such a big topic. So I just want to kind of ask the question just for people to think when we talk about rejection, what what do we actually mean by rejection and how how have people seen it manifested really in life. One of the things that springs to mind is I think about I don't know if people came across the story of a

young I think she was about ten years old. She was a young athlete who performed I think it was somewhere in Ireland, and after they did the performance, medals were being given out to a group of young girls about the same age, and this young black ten year old and I'm using this example. That many examples, and we'll talk about some of them, but I'm using this one being Black History Month, because she was the only black child in that group of athletes, and when the

medals were being given out, she was passed over. And the rejection that this child felt. Actually, if you watched the clip, you noticed straight away how that seemed. And you know, the trauma potentially that this child might might experience or might have experienced. Obviously, that's something that's going to be edged in her mind for a long time. But even when there was an up roa, nobody was willing to kind of own up or apologize or say, well, okay,

you know, we we missed we missed this girl. It was the wrong thing to do. When her mother complained, nothing was done about it until there was a social until it went viral on social media, and so many people talked about it. So this this rejection wasn't only felt by this young girl, obviously it was felt by her mother, her family, but anybody who has experienced a similar, similar type of kind of rejection was being triggered as well. So that's just one example. So I don't know, you know,

people have apply for jobs and get rejection letters. People ask for certain favors and get denied, that get denied. I mean, we experience rejection all the time, sometimes on a very intense scale, but other times in very kind of regular, day to day ways that we are all aware of. So what does it mean to be rejected. It can mean being dismissed, It can mean being on the mind, It can mean not being validated, being turned down, not being accepted, being pushed away. So normally it involves

one person being intentional about not including another person. So it's often a conscious decision to reject somebody. And there's so many reasons why people reject other people. But from the time when we're born, from the time when we're conceived and we are babies. We can either experience rejection from the very people who are supposed to be providing the validation, the law of the security, the support, and for many many people they go through rejection from their

primary caregivers. We have what we call attachment styles, and we've got there's four main attachment styles. We've got the secure attachment style, which is where a parent or a caregiver is actually quite supportive and emotionally available for the child, and so that child has a positive relational kind of model or template, and so they grow up in a secure environment thinking feeling safe in the world and feeling like, yes, that it's fine to trust people. The world is a safe,

safe place and relationships are safe. But then we also have ambivalence or preoccupied anxious attachment, and this is where the caregiver or the parent is inconsistent with their affection for the child. So then what then happens is that the child has a negative self image. They will seek attention then by sometimes all act top, sometimes they'll exaggerate

their emotions. But what's happening for this child in their minds is that they're being rejected, right, And so they will try to find a way to be accepted by the caregiver or by the parent. Another attachment style is the avoidant attachment style, and this is where the caregiver is outright rejecting, very critical nothing the child does or says is good enough. And what happens to the child is that they're having negative relational model and see themselves

as unworthy or unacceptable. In the child's mind that being rejected, they don't feel that they're good enough. They think they're defective. Some thing's got to be wrong with them, because the way children and young people think, they don't see the adults as the one having the problem. They see themselves as the ones with the problem. And then lastly we've got the disorganized attachment style. This is where the caregiver is abusive and then the child becomes fearful, aggressive, lacks empathy,

and generally feels unsafe in relationships. So, out of the four attachment styles out there three attachment styles that point to the child or the young person being rejected. So, as we can see, there's a lot of rejection around us, rejection in our narrative, and sadly, for a lot of people that's happening in the various spaces where they're supposed to feel safe and validated and accepted. And so what

happens when people are rejected? What's the impact of kind of poor attachment or rejection on the individual even as they grow up to become an adult. The person with the secure attachment will be confident, will be reciprocal in relationships, will be resilient, will feel safe in relationship, and will be quite balanced. Somebody who has an anxious, preoccupied, ambivalent attachment style will be kind of fantasizing, emotionally hungry, trying

to seek attention. They will have turbulence in their emotional journey, and they'll be lacking the kind of nurturing that they need, and so they'll experience a lot of instability in relationship. Somebody who's had an avoidant or dismissive attachment style is likely to isolate themselves, to be quite ambivalent, emotionally distant, wanting to have a connection with people, but then not

feeling like they can trust anybody. So these people can tend to be very independent, will probably do things for other people, but will not allow other people in because they're fearful that they're going to be rejected, and then the fearful or avoidant attachment where there's a lot of maybe abuse, physical abuse, emotional sexual abuse. That person's going to grow up with a lot of internal conflict. There's going to be a lot of drama, there's going to

be a lot of unpredictable behavior. Again, ambivalent, and people like this tend to try to escape, right. So sometimes when you see people who are addicted to kind of substances alcohol, drugs, there trying to escape or anything else for that matter, maybe trying to escape these chaos that they have been used to. So you know, we can see that whether or not we're accepted from childhood has an impact on how we behave relationally day to day and has an impact on how we respond to respond

to things that happen around us. So what are some ways or areas in life that we can experience rejection? Just think about it for yourself. You know so many ways in which we can experience rejection. I would say, we all have a story, and I just want to kind of talk about David. I think a lot of people know of David in the Bible. If at least you know the story of David don't goliave. David was

rejected on many levels. He was rejected by his family when when there was an audition for a king and his dad had to present all of his children, David was held back and he wasn't presented as a candidate because they didn't think that he was either good enough he was ready. So that's like a form of rejection

where he was past passed over. He was rejected by his brothers when there was the contests of the battle between David and Goliath, and before that, you know, his brothers had been faced with fighting this giant, and you know, he turns up and his brothers just say, go away. You know, who do you think you are? You can't do anything. So he was just dismissed as insignificant. He was rejected at work. He was rejected by King Saul when he actually offered to fight for Liar. He just

wasn't actually regarded as anything. And then eventually when he fought and won and he was being celebrated by the people who said, well, David has killed his ten thousand, then Saul has killed his one thousand. Saul got obviously jealous and tried to kill him. So it didn't matter what he did at work. He wasn't he was he was rejected. So he was rejected by his family, he was rejected by his brothers, he was rejected that work,

was rejected by his spouse. David eventually had the task of reclaiming the Act of the Covenant and bringing that back to Jerusalem. And you know when he brought it back, there was a lot of celebrating, he was dancing, and his wife just basically made it full of him. Instead of encouraging him and celebrating with him, she rejected him. So that's David's story. That's like a kind of like high level overview of some of the ways in which he was rejected. And I guess at this point, I'm thinking,

what's your own story, what's your own story? How have you been rejected?

may impact how we react, how we rebound. But I'm just thinking rejection from potential suitors, rejection from from jobs that you know, I thought I was a shoe in for. I thought I was up next for the promotion, didn't get it, Rejection for opportunities that I thought I deserved. I mean, the list is very, very long. But what maybe even scares me here is that you're saying that rejection, even at childhood stage, could have such an impact on

your trajectory as a parent. I look at that and I think, oh my goodness, where would Jay say, as my son, I sit on that, on that list, and really, is there redemption after you have maybe been rejection, have witnessed or not witness but experience rejection at that level.

Is there any way forward? And I really look forward to hearing that because so many may have that story of being rejected very very early on, rejected from their primary caregivers, rejected when they didn't even do anything wrong, didn't do anything to deserve it, and that's had an impact on them so many years on, and maybe they

have no chance of correcting it, of rectifying it. Maybe parents have moved on, you know, all that kind of stuff, and I'm just like, as a parent, that's hit home for me, and maybe it's done that for the parents listening. But how to make sure that we're creating that space for our children at those tender ages beyond? You know, I'm talking about growing up, grown up, rejection jobs, all

that kind of business that I've experienced. But really you can take it all the way back and you could be talking about a child and their mother, you know, and not getting that support from very from that very beginning, and that can set them up for failure. But god, I don't know if that.

you know, a ground root course. It's almost like it's actually said can start from I guess whenever, But I wonder whether you know, I suppose once you work with somebody on reflection, they you know, you may realize that actually it has been something it has been a form of rejection of whatever it was that actually is really

now impacted. But I wonder whether people actually recognize it as that, you know, So I'm curious to kind of yeat to know whether that's actually they see it as being rejectioned or is it a lot more when you kind of delve in a little bit more that you think are actually maybe that's what it was.

So there was a kind of there's a sense of you know, ida'm and if feeling well be rejected there and that's what that's the seed that he sows in a lot of our relationships, and you know, that makes our relationships. Some of our relationships fall apart. People don't often and it becomes a vicious cycle because when you're rejected, it's likely that you will reject others as well. And then the impact of that rejection is felt very deeply.

And when we're talking about who is rejecting obviously, if it's coming from primary care give us, if it's coming from parents, people that we trust, that leaves a very very big wound. And if we're not self aware and we're not aware of the impact psychologically, in emotionally, spiritually of that rejection, that will manifest in so many different ways.

So you know, sometimes it takes a long time for people to connect the dots in therapy, but you know, at the end of the day, once they do connect the dot, then they feel empowered to turn that narrative around from feeling dejected because of rejection to thriving in the face of the rejection. So God uses even the rejections that we experience to turn our narratives around and to reclaim the narrative that He's purposed for us.

that's just part of what it is. But you know, without us saying recognizing you might be thinking about it, you're ruminating about it, it's in your mind, you start to overthink it and what have you, and you know, then it's like a sense of vicious cycle and then in terms of how you then maybe respond to somebody else as similar sort of things. So, yeah, that's really interesting.

But like you said, I guess if you can, I guess that's the importance of having that conversations about things and really sort of self reflection and self awareness is going to be really key to recognizing some of this as well.

And I mean, I know most people will say, you know what, I know this already, but sometimes it's it's it's hearing it again and understanding the dynamics of it that will really drive it home. How you know, how you treat your child from the time you bring him or her into the world, you know, can have such a major impact on where they end up and how

they process life. So yeah, not only to the rejected, but for those of us who have people in our care who you know, have people in our spaces as managers, et cetera, et cetera. So yeah, I'm sure we'll dig deeper into that, but it's it's a conversation for both ends of the coin, I would say.

to feel guilty. It's just to be aware. And where there's been problems where we've either directly or indirectly rejected another person our children, you know, we can offer that healing by acknowledging where we went wrong, by offering space for them to express themselves so we can validate them and heal each other through that interact of that relationship.

cycle that becomes a stronghold looks like this. Because we have been rejected, we develop core beliefs about ourselves or about the world, about other people that are quite negative, such as, you know, I'm defective, I'm stupid, something's wrong

with me. And then because of that lens through which we view ourselves or how other people view us, we will have thoughts about ourselves that are not great and will have feelings obviously as a result that you know, we might feel low, we might feel anxious, we might feel sad, we might feel anger, frustration, and then we will behave in ways that align with our thoughts and our feelings, which will only reinforce the thoughts and feelings

again and keep us believing those negative core beliefs. So, you know, when we have negative views about ourselves, or we have negative views about the world or negative views about the future, that can keep us in a vicious cycle, and that can be what rejection does. If somebody has been rejected a number of times, especially by significant people in their lives, they start to believe this lies really about themselves, which can be quite detrimental. So what does

the cycle of rejection look like? We get pushed away, dismissed, or rejected, and then we feel disconnected or isolated, and then what we start to do is we start to withdraw. So if you go into a community and you know, somebody kind of makes you feel like, actually, you don't belong here, why are you here? You start to you don't.

You wouldn't naturally connect with that group of people, with that community, You wouldn't feel a sense of belonging, and so that makes you want to stay by yourself, withdraw from the from the group. And then by withdrawing and isolating yourself from everybody else, you will reinforce that feeling of being isolated, and your perception of other people will

be that they're invalidating. And so that's just going to be back to that space of feeling rejected, feeling disconnected, and that's that cycle can just keep going And how does it then impact us? So what are the negative effects of rejection. There are very many. They impact us on a mental health level, on a spiritual health level, on a physical health level, and on an emotional health level. So that impact the whole person on all aspects of

our being. And so when we're rejected, we feel unloved. Obviously, we don't feel a sense of acceptance and belonging. We have low self worth because we don't see ourselves the way you know, God who created us, sees us and he says you're fearfully and wonderfully made. We don't see ourselves as that. We see ourselves as defective or you know what. We feel guilty, we feel ashamed, and so

our self worth drops. We have a sense of insecurity, fear, anger, We are untrusting of other people, and we carry a lot of guilt and shame. And all of these things have negative, huge negative impacts on our emotional health, physical health, spiritual health, because then it's very difficult for us so even trust God and relate to him with a clear mind, and then our mental health obviously obviously suffers. So rejection is a big, big deal when it's experienced in a

very negative way. So strongholds of rejection and Wolves of Life. We talked about kind of like a stronghold in like a fortress with very high, strong walls. What do the walls look like? What what do the lies look like? What do they sound like? Sounds like I'm not good enough, I don't belong. Other people's success is a reflection of my own failure. It's not with me trying every everyone

else will find faults in me. Right, And then what happens is that we experience really challenging emotions like gear, anger, frustration, depression, and obviously with that our mental health will suffer. So in terms of like what what problems do? People then have various anxiety disorders, social anxiety, all of the anxiety disorders that we've we've talked about earlier in the series, social anxiety, panic attacks. Some people will then suffer from

obsessive compulsive disorder. We have mood disorder. We have people suffering from bipolar, from clinical depression, sadness, all the different types of depression out there can be as a result

of rejection as well. We have complex trauma. People who have had neglect and being ignored or abandoned like consistently throughout their lives or in their formative years will suffer complex trauma or childhood trauma, low self worth, and various types of personality disorders are there, so you can start to see the kind of impact. So those are the worlds of lies, tell us of unhelpful imagination. We're talking about rejection as a strong le.

with other people, and your prospects for the future. So it's really really important that we're mindful how the people in our environment influence our own perception of ourselves, and that we don't internalize other people's rejection of us and then become self rejecting ourselves as well. All of this

can happen in our imagination. All of this can happen because somebody has been rejecting, and then our minds take us on the journey that tell us, you know, where a lot less than other people were not good enough and we're not capable of doing X, Y and z. So what do the captive thoughts look like? So we've talked about the walls of lies, we've talked about the

towers of unhelpful imagination. Now we're thinking about the captains in these towers, the thoughts in our minds, in the towers of our minds, what do they look like when

we've been rejected? The thoughts like I'm only as good as the last person as the last approval I received from somebody else, or the thoughts like if I'm not welcome, it means there is something wrong with me, or thoughts like I'm not good enough, or thoughts like other people are more important and more special than me, or thoughts like because I was not accepted, I'll never be able

to achieve or be as good as somebody else. Right, And we have to remember, it's really important that we remember that our thoughts are not always true, Our thoughts are not always factual, and our thoughts are not always a reflection of reality. Our thoughts are just mental events in the mind. They're not real. The only start to become real when we act upon these thoughts as if they're true.

your mental health. So it's a big deal. And I guess we hinted at that at the very beginning, how rejection can just have such a far reaching impact, and I think that's come out and that portion of the presentation that you've just shared, Angela. Sorry, we were about to.

the messaging that we tell ourselves. I mean, I know I speak to and I speak to so many students who sort of, you know, they have this kind of imposter syndrome and they don't think they're good enough to say, be at this university. And I'm like, but you are at this university, so whatever you did, you're definitely good enough. And whilst now you sort of maybe struggling because they feel like I was struggling because it's all the reality is,

it's all new. You know, they're trying to get to grips with everything, and it's just like, well, you are good enough. But they're telling themselves all of this messaging and you know, you think to yourself, well, you wonder where that's all coming from. But in some ways they it almost feels that they have rejected their own abilities, their own skills. They're not recognizing all the actual things that they actually can do and have built this into something.

And sometimes it sort of step back and just to remind them, actually, it can't be that. I'm not saying it's not that bad, but it can't that bad, or you can't that bad because you are here, you've been able to do this, You've got this fast. So it's interesting how we can we can create things and as you said, it's a deception. It's the lies that are being fed us whatever, you know, whether it's we've been told that or actually we start to tell that ourselves.

So I think that's really interesting there as well. And you can see that playing out in so many different ways. I mean, I'm guilty of that myself.

I've never really necessarily thought of it that way. And I guess sometimetimes I said, we just deal with it and kind of go about it, but not necessary recognizing how deep that actually can be for us in so many different ways.

and they're not always reality. How true that is because we can just build up, like you said, Angela, a whole system around us of thoughts and misconceptions and ideas that are just completely false, completely against what God says we are, what God says we can do, against His purpose for us, and we then live our lives half full, you know, we live our lives without achieving what He wants us to achieve because we've just lived our lives based on lives.

deeper there. But that was just the result of some young man feeling that he couldn't live or she couldn't live without him, and therefore he decided to take her life. And it was Ellien who tragically stepped in to try to defend her friend and died as a result. But we've got to again, maybe going back to parenting, but we've got to teach our children how to deal with those thoughts and how to deal with rejection, because, I mean, life goes on, and the younger you are that the

more potential you have to get past it. I mean, but wherever you are in life, as Alison, you've said, you know, with God we can we can do all things.

away from who he truly was. And that's why we had followed him as an example, because there will be every type of trial or situation or rejection that he will have experience that we can relate to and look to him for guidance on how to respond. But you know, like I said, and you know, unfortunately, time will not permit for us to exhaust. You know, everything about rejection is such a huge topic. When the book is published by the publishers. You know, I'll let you know so

you can talk about it. There's so much in there, and we can actually thrive in the phase of rejection because rejection, as we'll say in a minute, can can open up other opportunities, right and can take us to different directions that we would never have thought about. So it's sometimes a blessing, it's sometimes a gift, depending on our attitude and our respond to it.

thing that could possibly happen. I mean, I guess that's human nature, but I mean, why is it that people do view it so differently? From that respect?

aware of why people have been why people are rejecting us. Right, So a lot of the time we are not the problem, even though we are being rejected. You know, the problems lies within the insecurity of the person who is rejecting us, not with us. You know, if people are really happy, people are really secure, people will be a lot more accommodating and a lot less rejecting and a lot less critical. So if we view it as well, I'm not necessarily the problem here, then we will be able to bounce

back and keep going. And actually, you know, like you said, Angela, if you think about it, like most of the hugely successful people in the world, I mean, in the book, I write about Walt Disney, I write about Oprah Winfrey, I write about Victor Franco, I write about Djokovic. All of those people have experienced really harsh rejection, but their resilience has been what's define them and taken them forward.

So you know, yes, like you said, people can choose to to to explore other opportunities and to to be more persistent in moving forward when they're rejected. And I guess part of this is to help people do that, to help people deal with the rejection in very practical ways, to give them the tools that they need to keep going even in the face of doors being shot in their faces.

you take from that? You know, the reality is, you know, this petition, there's lots of people vying for this, all those things, and you know, not to see that rejection is a completely negative thing because there's still lessons to

be learned from what have you. But again, that was something completely new for her in the context, I guess, so again recognizing that the self awareness and really preparing yourself to see how you can you know, bounce back from that, you know, she said, up your resilience and everything else. But yeah, I guess there's so many different areas, Like you said, there's so many different areas that it

can impact that lue. You don't necessarily know where that will take you and obviously how you respond to it as well.

the truth. You know, that's the truth, and that's what we need to focus on in order to bring down the walls of lies. We need to focus on the truth and the truth of God's words. In Jeremiah, chapter one, verse five says, before I formed you in the womb, I knew you before you were born. I set you apart, right, So you know, if God set us apart, then that's that's a very important truth to hold on to. He's

got a purpose for us. And you know, if we trust him, we believe in him, then he's the most important, being the most important person, and it doesn't matter who rejects us. We know that we are special and with the set apart even before we were born, so how do we bring down the strongholds of rejection. We need to be aware of ourselves and those people around us. So it's really important to not connect ourselves to things and people who do not appreciate us who we are

and what we bring to the table. I'm not saying that, you know, if somebody doesn't care for you know, how good we are in a certain sport or in a certain thing, we should just ignore them. But we need to be We need to assess the level of connection or intimacy we have with different types of people depending on how much they can appreciate what we actually bring

to the table. And we need to be aware of the gifts and talents and the beauty that we actually bring to the table because God has given us gifts, power and authority to live out our lives with purpose. He says in Some one three nine, we're fearfully and wonderfully made. So you know, I think there's a scripture. I like to think of this scripture in the Bible that says do not cast your pells to swine. I think sometimes the problem is we don't even know that

we've got pels. So we need to be aware of those pells that we have, and we need to kind of nurture them, cultivate them, and just just be careful how we connect with the people around us. What type of energy do they bring? Do they dampen our what we bring us skills, our talents, or do they encourage us to be better versions of ourselves? Do they validate us? So we need to think about who we're connecting with, and we need to work on getting rid of any pain,

any bitterness that comes with being rejected. So it causes offense when we are rejected, right because we think, you know, why would you reject me? Like, you know, like Angela said, you know, some students said, you know, I've never been turned down for anything I don't understand, and that can be quite offensive to some people. But it's really important

that we remember that rejection is an everyday thing. Everyone faces rejection, and we try not to be overcome by the offense of being rejected because if we focus on the fact that it's offensive, it's going to lead us to feeling bitter, to feeling angry, and that's not going to help us move forward. So instead, we need to refocus on the truth of God's description of us. As his child, created in his image for good works and with a special purpose. And we need to get up

and we need to keep going. Right. The person who rejects you does not have the final say about you. God does. God's the one who has the final say about you. Right, So let's not get talking being bitter on feeling offended because we were rejected. We need to just recenter, regroup, understand who we are and whose we are, and focus on the purpose and the destiny that God has for us. We need to accept the reality of rejection.

God always has another plan for you. He has a purpose for your life, and He's got a plan for your life. God is a god of impossible possibilities. Just because one door shots doesn't mean that, you know, God is just not capable of finding or offering other and even better ways. He says, your thoughts are not my thoughts. My thoughts for you are higher and greater than your thoughts for yourself. So let's just focus on the one who can make all things possible. And instead of asking

why you have been rejected, ask what next? Right you didn't get the job or you know, Dear Allison, We're very sorry to you know, thank you for applying for this position, having gone through all the applic applications, you don't meet the expectations.

There's always another way of doing things. And God says again, for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. So in summary, just to pick up key points, we all experience rejection from others at different points in our lives, and rejection will cause us to experience challenging thoughts and feelings. The impact of rejection on us will depend on what

we choose to believe. What we choose to believe, right, It's all down to us what we choose to believe. Rejection becomes a stronghold in our lives when we believe and act on thoughts that are contrary to the truth of what God says about you. Rejection becomes a stronghold in our lives when we believe and act and thoughts that are contrary to the truth of what God says

about you. Also, choosing not to believe a lie about ourselves when we're rejected will open our minds to our true wealth and value in God and the possibilities of living our lives in line with God's purpose. Choosing not to believe a lie about ourselves when we are rejected will open our minds to our true wealth and value in God and the possibilities of living our lives in

line with God's purpose. And finally, just to summarize, we can absolutely bring down the stronghold of rejection by choosing not to dwell on the fact that we have been rejected and by seeking God for other possibilities and other opportunities. So going to leave us with a few words of encouragement, and some of these are quotes from the Bible. From the Internet, I just picked up a few quotes. One is by Aristotle and it says, it is our darkest

moments that we must focus to see the light. It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. And another quote says, often rejection is about the misalignment between you and others, not an indication

of your word of value. And just on that, I just want to say that I think it's very important to consider that sometimes when people reject us, sometimes it's because they don't have the capacity to appreciate all of what we bring to the table, so they are rejecting because they're not able to take in or to appreciate who we are and what we bring. And if somebody doesn't have that capacity, there's no way they're going to

embrace us because they just can't. Right. And so it's not because there's a problem with us.

set you apart. Another text says, I've said before you and open door, and no one can shut it right. So sometimes in life we think those have been shut in our faces. But when God has opened the door for you, even though people might reject us, he will still navigate us to that door, to that open door, and he says, I will never leave you. I will never forsake you. And he says again, fear not, for I have redained you, I have called you by name,

and you are mine Isaiah forty three, verst one. So finally, Reverend, remember, don't focus on those who walked away, but focus on the one who never left. His name is Jesus, and he will never leave us, or he will never forsake us. So we will win this battle. Why because the weapons of our warfare are not connel, but mighty in God, for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing

every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. And when we know the truth, and if we know the truth, indeed the truth will set us free John eight thirty two. Because if the sun sets us free, then we will be free. Indeed, that brings to an end my presentation today on dealing with rejection. Thank you back to Usenya.

the depth of them, et cetera. But are they kind of what are the kind of I don't know if you can say, of the healthy ways of dealing with rejection, because obviously, if they have such an emotional impact on us, you know, we've got to process that, We've got to kind of be able to move through it and move on. But how does one do that in a sort of

practical way? But so I like the fact that you've, you know, you reminded us of the promises that God has given us, you know, but what are some of the other things that one can do to sort of say actually, And this is kind of leads in maybe into my second question. You know, how do we develop the resilience to be able to deal effectively with a reject rejection of whatever sorts, you know, to be able to then see that sometimes the rejection is not always

a terrible thing. It might actually feel better because I was one of the It says, you know, the rejection may just be opening the doors for something much better. I guess there's two kind of questions linking in there on that.

healed also within the context of human relationships. So we need to be first of all aware of the triggers. So sometimes we've been through rejection that's kind of had a really huge impact on our mental emotional health, and a lot of things will trigger those negative feelings that are associated with the rejection. So let's become aware of them. Don't try to suppress what you felt when you were rejected. Acknowledge how bad it made you feel, and find somebody

to express that too. So sometimes it might just be maybe talking to a friend who will understand who you're close to. Sometimes you need to go to therapy and do some deep work in therapy. Sometimes maybe journaling writing, you know, writing how you felt. But find an outlet

to acknowledge and validate the emotions that you felt. When you experience a rejection and you know, do something about it, get some help if you if you need to get help, you know, be around people who will celebrate you, right, be around people who are authentic, who will correct you

in love, and who will celebrate you. Sometimes we are around people who are very critical, or sometimes we can be around people who can be quite maybe passive aggressive, and that's really very unhealthy when you've experienced really harsh reject rejection. So I think one of the first things is self awareness so that you can stop that cycle and so that you can stop yourself from being self

rejecting as well. But finding an outlet, finding people that you can talk to, people that who will validate you, and also soothing doing things that are kind of self soothing, so you know, being kind, compassionate to yourself. Watch what you say to yourself. Some people are very good at kind of labeling themselves negatively, like I'm so stupid or you know, it just sounds like a figure of speech,

but what you're doing is you're self rejecting. So watch what you say to yourself and use, you know, what God says about you to repeat that about yourself when you talk about yourself or when you refer to yourself self. So do things that you enjoy doing, you know, you know, if you like to play musical instruments, if you like to go to the spa, show yourself some self love and self compassion, because that's really really important to build

your resilience. Those are just some of the practical things you can do. The other question, it's.

people who are doing it. You know, what practical advice would you give to us somebody who is trying to support somebody, you know, and the common ones I guess would be, you know, things around relationships, as you said, is a romantic relationships or a breakdown of it could be a breakdown of a relationship for instance, or sort of like in the job search and job hunting, especially in this kind of climate as well. You know, we're kind of you know, what do we call it, the

oh something crisis? I can't remember the cost of living crisis living, you know, so and obviously over COVID, so many people lost their jobs due to the situation, so I guess, you know, and then trying to find something else. You know, there's a lot of people they've been in jobs for many, many years and then suddenly they're thrown

back into the job market trying to apply. So what can you know, what can people do to help support those who are having to deal with that, which for so many people it could be quite a new experience and definitely a painful one at times as well.

normalize how they're feeling. And then maybe if you're if it's appropriate, you know, share how you have been rejected as well in the past, you know, because I think sometimes it can be quite feel quite isolating if we think, well, there's something wrong with me. You know, nobody is going

to take me on. But if people can, if you can relate, if people can relate to your own experiences as well, share those and then empower the other person by you know, thinking through with them, you know, practical alternatives of what they can do, not just tell them, but you know, maybe be socratic, ask them, you know, what have you thought about what else might be available?

Have you thought about other options? You have you thought about where to go to get additional support so that they can start building their resilience and thinking about alternatives as well. And then you know, just you know, practical things that you can do with them. Maybe you can accompany them to a job center or you know, do something fun with them. But you know, just being available, being able to listen, validating, normalizing, all of those things are helpful.

or to hurt others. I mean, because I feel like we're dealing with a generation who don't really process as they ought to, maybe because they don't have the right port networks around them, maybe because of the games and all the maladies in society.

to tell young people. But our young people, we have to remember, have a lot of information at their fingertips and a lot of what we might be saying might not be new to them. But what would be new to them is that kind of sense of belonging that they have that they're not experiencing that's making them feel rejected and lonely. And so you know, being accepting of them just as they are, and you know, and taking a real interest. Right, so if they're into football, what

team do they support? When are the games having a shared kind of point of conversation on their terms, not on our terms. So because remember, if they're feeling rejected, it means that you know, if you're all you're doing is telling them what to do, is is indirectly you're just criticizing them, which is rejecting, which you're just reinforcing

that message. So it's it's really for example, sometimes when we have we do therapy with younger people, which we try to mirror how they're addressed, how they're they're expressing themselves, how they're sitting, you know, and sometimes you know, we might lower ourselves to kind of sit on the ground with them and do you know, do what they do, be part of them, and make them feel a sense of actually I feel comfortable. I feel like I really

kind of belong here with this person. So I think with the young people, it's more the being than the talking.

kind of comes to different forms. So you know, you might not get that job or relationship may not work out, or you may not get the grades that you wanted, you know, so that means you may not get into the job or the university or the college of whatever you want to go and do. So I guess the more that we kind of have those conversations and don't sort of shy away from that. Yeah, this is the realities sometimes, the harsh realities of life that we're going to go through.

they will be good at other things. So it's just that, Yes, Angela, it's really important that we have those real conversations and say, you know, life's not always going to embrace your. People are out there not always going to embrace you, but here in me, you're always loved you're always accepted, and you know, just just come and talk to me, and I'm here for you. There will be people who will always love you and accept you for who you are.

How can I talk about something different? Because our criticisms, our judgments, you know, could be this part of the problems as well.

it's how you say it. Building relationships, even in terms of our young people building relationships and understanding them and them understanding us, will foster that environment where you can yes, say no, or you can say it can't be yours, or you say it's not your time, or whatever it might be. It's rejection, but because of how it's packaged and because of how how you've presented it, all because of who it's coming from, it doesn't hit as harshly

as it probably could have. So that for me, Angela, you took the words out of my mouth in terms of not only being rejected, but being the one saying saying no or saying you know, you're not the right fit for the right person for me, and you know, being able to do that sympathetically.

or leading. I like to use leading rather than people, And I pride myself always in those relationships in people feeling blessed that they have me as a leader, because you know, we spend so much time at work in those work relationships, and you know that bound to impact on our mental and emotional wellbeing. And so your manager or your leader and your colleagues have a huge role to play in terms of your your mental and emotional wellbeing.

So those organizational relationships and making sure those relationships ships are constructive and positive, it's really really important. And that's what that book is about.

You know, we're all in this together. But he may have his own agenda, he may have time keeping and all that to worry about. And I'm like, I'm very, very upset about this. But when you think about it, maybe like you said, this is this is an opportunity to sit back down and talk to the person who's come next to me.

to happen regularly. If you've missed any of the series, then you know you can find it on speak and this will also be available on Spreaker and Alison, I'm not sure if you're taking you're taking new clients or whatever, but we can also make the information available two persons as how they can get in touch with you and also how they can get your books. If anybody wants an information and contact the station and will be sure to pass that information along. But yes, that for me

is the crux of this matter. God has a plan for us all, and we need not see rejection as the end all. It may be God redirecting us. It could even be him telling us, all right, it's time to step step up our game. You didn't get this job because you didn't fit the criteria, you didn't have the right skill sets. Go and study something, Go on and get yourself better so the next time you can, you'll be the one that we picked out of the lineup. So let's not always think of it as negative. In fact,

let's never think of it as negative. It's God. It's got aligning our steps. He's directing our path.

have to we have to believe that. Sometimes we're just not going to see You're not going to see it, to be honest, but that's where our trust and faith in God has to come into play, as she said, to know that, you know, he's got under control, he's got the best for us, and sometimes that has just given us a bit of a reality check, he said, to say, you know, okay, we've got to step back, we've got to reflect, we've got to look and actually,

as you said, rejection can be redirectioned. So yeah, definitely want to thank you Allison for bringing those insights to us. As always, it's been quite interesting and it gives me a lot of food for thought, because again, sometimes it's about how we approach things and how we respond to things, and actually looking at things in a different way can shape how we're then going to move forward as well in a more positive way. So yes, thank you very

much for today's session for having me. Thank you, thank you always welcome, and of course I haven't. I was thinking, no, I haven't said it, but I'm going to say, there'll always be a part two to three.

and then we'll say good night. Father God, I want to thank you for this opportunity, dear Lord, to discuss a topic that impacts so many people. Dear Lord, Dear Lord, is very easy sometimes to feel the rejection of situations that happen to us and things around us. But Dear Lord, I want to pray you that we can be reminded of how much you love us, how much you care for us, and how much you have got everything in control,

and that you want the best for us. Dear Lord, there are so many promises within the Bible, in your word that tell us exactly that, Dear Lord, and I'm praying that whoever's listening to our show today that well, they will delve into that and recognize that actually, you have got everything control, and there are so many ways that you can show us that. Even though we may feel rejected, it may just be a redirection, and there's

always alternatives. There's always other ways to overcome, and Dear Lord, you want the best for us, then may be a better way. I thank you, Dear Lord, for Allison and the role that she plays in supporting people and to helping them to make differences and change in their life. Dear Lord, and I pray that we as well can be those people to other people. We can support others, we can help others, and we can help people draw

closer to you. I thank you for blessing us with this platform, Dear Lord, and I pray that those who are listening will be blessed. I thank you for hearing and answering our prayers. Dear Lord, and thank you for being such an awesome God and loving us so much and caring for us and know that you have the best for us. Thank you for this day, dear Lord, and the week that we're about to start. I pray, Dear Lord that it'd be a blessed one and that

we can come again for another conversation. Thank you to Lord for here in our prayers. Amen.