Take heed, Theophiloi, because we have some intense and highly specific requirements for your upcoming tabernacle construction this week. That's right: we've wandered out of the narrative section of Exodus and into the part that's mostly about how much the Lord loves acacia wood, with a few extremely famous events strewn among it for good measure. Moses has an exceptionally long conversation at the top of Mount Sinai and we go from "yikes" to "YIKES!" as we cover some Old Testament laws. Plus: t...
Mar 03, 2019•1 hr 48 min
Happy Valentine's Day, Theophiloi, and might I just say, you're looking good today. Hair like goats, teeth like sheep, just dripping with myrrh... yes, all your parts are in very sexy condition. What's that? Why yes, we have been taking a few tips from Bible's greatest romantic, King Solomon the Demon-Queller! He's here with his sensual mixtape and we're going through it track by track as we take on the Song of Songs! Plus: a brief non-history of St. Valentine! Hey, don't... uh, don't listen to ...
Feb 24, 2019•1 hr 18 min
Get your shoes on and don't you dare leaven that bread, Theophiloi, because it's time to dive into the Book of Exodus! In this episode, we cover the first 18 chapters, including Moses's surprisingly violent origin story, 7+3 plagues, and Pharaoh's many, many ill-advised decisions. Plus, the ultimate #passoverhack: tacos. Topics of discussion: Candlemas, LentMadness.org, Mary of Bethany v. Martha of Bethany: Dawn of Saintliness, the Main Dude of Judaism, God's surprising forgetfulness, God's even...
Feb 10, 2019•1 hr 34 min
Just so you know, Theophiloi, both of us have definitely read the Book of Exodus, as planned. Definitely. Especially me. Remember Pharaoh? And how about that Moses, huh? Anyway, this week, we're taking a break from scripture to answer your listener questions! Plus: the Renowned Jester of the Lord! Topics of discussion: What surprised us about Bible, what we're worried about covering, further reading, disciples smooching and/or playing D&D, the Armor of God, cleric domains, Batman as the mode...
Feb 03, 2019•1 hr 39 min
Greetings, Theophiloi, from your ever-punctual Sons of Thunder! We're back this week to answer the question of whether we can talk for an hour about exactly four pages (and 47 verses) of Bible. It's the famous story of a guy who has to live inside a whale for three days and then gets dunked on by God because he's a real grumpy boy. Join us for Jonah, won't you? Topics of discussion: Excuses excuses, New Year's but for trees, the official End of Christmas, a PG-13 review of the BibleGateway iPhon...
Jan 24, 2019•1 hr 12 min
We're back for 2019, and on the off chance that we didn't have enough of them already, get ready for a couple new Johns. Specifically, we're celebrating Epiphany with Of Hildesheim's 14th-century book on the Legend of the Three Kings, which also introduces us to Prester. How weird is this one? Well, Chris highlighted an entire page from top to bottom, so believe us, it's a rollercoaster. Plus: Li'l Fat Jesus!!!! Topics of discussion: Benito getting yelled at about the historicity of Jesus, churc...
Jan 07, 2019•1 hr 40 min
Mary Christmas, Theophiloi! Normally at this time of year, you get a nice little reading from Luke about being sore afraid and wishing peace on Earth and goodwill to men. Unfortunately, we already covered that one, so we're bringing you the birth of Christ as you've never heard it before with the Infancy Gospel of James. We learn all about Mary's origin, in which she was Rapunzeled for thirteen years and then handed off to a very confused local carpenter. Plus: all the other holy days we'll be m...
Dec 16, 2018•1 hr 18 min
So long Hanukkah and Hello Advent, Theophiloi! It's your humble Sons of Thunder on 2018's best podcast for news about Ahikar and St. Thecla's conflict with man-eating seals, and before we close out the Festival of Lights, we're going all in with 2 Maccabees. Things get buck wild as we hear about Judah Maccabee's exploits once again, now with roughly 1,000% more ghost warriors and magic swords. Seriously, this is the most action-packed part of Bible we have ever experienced, and you'll recall tha...
Dec 10, 2018•1 hr 31 min
Chag sameach, Theophiloi! It's Hanukkah times, so we're diving into One Maccabees to learn the story of the Festival of Lights, and also get 16 full chapters of Jews just beating the ever-loving sugar out of everyone in the Levant. Light that Hanukkiah, sharpen that sword, and get ready for the most action-packed piece of Bible, ever. Plus, our suggestions for adding Judith and Matzoh-rella sticks to your holiday celebrations! Topics of discussion: Holiday scheduling, The Christmas Chronicles an...
Dec 02, 2018•1 hr 38 min
Good news, friends and neighbors: It's Christmas now! Put your shoes out and brew a pot of coffee because we're going through the lives of the most popular saint ever, Jolly Old St. Nicholas, aka Santa Claus. Oh, and also St. Lucy, whose life unfortunately had a not insignificant amount of eye-gouging. Plus: Find out which of us is the Paul of Santa and our unsurprising pick for the Worst Christmas Character! Topics of discussion: Shine vs. Glow, St. Martin's White Horse vs. America, Donkey vs. ...
Nov 19, 2018•1 hr 15 min
So uh, if this episode gets a little weird, it's probably because the hosts, two comic book writers, found out that Stan Lee died about halfway through it. But tragedies great and small won't stop us from learning about love, and also some extremely misogynistic rules about who gets to talk in church as Paul dashes off yet another letter! That's right, y'all, it's time for Rinthies, so let's get patient and kind up in this piece! Plus: do Paul's RTs = endorsements? Topics of discussion: Benito's...
Nov 14, 2018•1 hr 42 min
Get ready for HAINTS AND SAINTS, Theophiloi! It's Halloween and things are getting wild spooky up in here as we diver into the testament of Solomon, a very wise man who likes two things: glorifying God and forcing demons to do menial labor. Meet several new costume options that you certainly won't have to spend all night explaining, including Ornias, Beelzeboul, Onoskelis, Astaroth, the 36 Elements of the Cosmic Ruler of the Darkness, our old pal Asmodeus, and Pteradrakun, who... well, you see t...
Oct 29, 2018•1 hr 37 min
PIECES be with you, Theophil-OOZE, and get ready for the first installment of our two-part HELLoween SCAREtacular! This week, we're descending into HELL! And, uh, it's not actually that scary in the traditional sense, although the antisemitism of early Christian writings brings its own brand of horror. Either way, it's our long-awaited discussion of the Harrowing of Hell! Plus, an untold tale of Jesus's magic emotion-changing clothes! Topics of discussion: The rehabilitation of Pilate, the Apost...
Oct 21, 2018•1 hr 30 min
Get ready, Theophiloi, because it's time for a tightly plotted heist story about our favorite Deuterocanonical heroine, Judith! We'll be heading into a slice of the Apocrypha with some sharp commentary that cuts right to the good stuff. Get to listening, chop chop! Plus: Some very good and suggestions for improving Hanukkah that you can implement in your own celebrations! Topics of discussion: The ironies (all of them), Doubting Tomax, a prelude to Martinmas, St. Isadore the Hedgehog, an extende...
Oct 15, 2018•1 hr 22 min
Watch out, Theophiloi -- we've got some high voltage coming your way as we dive into the apocryphal Acts of Paul and Thecla. For the first time, we have a real female protagonist who has agency... to the extreme. Join us for an astounding piece of Biblical fanfic, a discussion of why Thecla was left out of the canon (hint: thousands of years of entrenched misogyny), and get ready to be thirsty for virtue when you meet your new favorite semi-Biblical figure. Plus: a very good story about a very l...
Oct 07, 2018•1 hr 21 min
This week we're doing something a little different, Theophiloi! Before we finally move on from Genesis, we've invited the Beloved Wolfman, our pal David Wolkin, to talk us through the Torah. He covers his upbringing and work in Jewish education, and the story of a flawed people struggling with a very confusing God. Plus: the potentially devastating academic consequences of eating at IHOP and answers to your listener questions. Topics of discussion: The Jesustaur, David (the person), David (the n...
Sep 30, 2018•1 hr 29 min
It's finally time, Theophiloi, for us to finish our exhausting journey through the extremely bizarre Book of Genesis! This week, it's the life of Joseph and his Completely Ordinary Long-Sleeved Dream Robe! The Golden Age Daniel (aka the Lord of Dreams) closes out the book with a surprisingly cohesive narrative that teaches us the solution to all of life's problems: throw it in a hole. It's the final 13 of 50 verses of people making bad moves! Join us, won't you? Topics of discussion: Hopes for a...
Sep 23, 2018•1 hr 28 min
Content Warning: We cover the story of Dinah in this episode, which involves a sexual assault. Shanah Tovah, Theophiloi, and welcome back to what we're pretty sure is the world's only Bible podcast! We're kicking off 5779 with the third part of our increasingly unwieldy discussion of Genesis. This week, the Lentil Stew Boys are back for hijinx as we cover the lives of Jacob and Esau, and give you a shofar performance that critics are already hailing as "well-intentioned." It is both our sexiest ...
Sep 09, 2018•1 hr 24 min
We've got a content warning on this one: This section of Genesis includes some very famous instances of homophobia, sexual assault, and incest. Keep that in mind if you plan on listening this week. Join us, Theophiloi, as we continue our journey through Genesis. The first of the Pentateuch continues to be challenging as we move into the life of Abraham and find things that are even weirder than we got with Adam, Eve, and Noah. Join us for the many instances of Abraham hanging out with God, the f...
Aug 27, 2018•1 hr 38 min
Ever wonder why we have anxiety, Theophiloi? Perhaps it's because we're sitting down to examine and/or make goofs about the extremely well-known foundational text of at least three major world religions. That's right, y'all: it's our longest episode yet, featuring the genesis of the beginning of Genesis. This week: Chapters 1 through 11, covering Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, Noah's Ark , and other stories that you probably know very well, assuming you remember the part where Noah passes out drun...
Aug 19, 2018•1 hr 58 min
Happy birthday! To you, possibly, to us, definitely, as today (August 12) is Chris's birthday, and Benito's (August 20) is quickly following! To celebrate, we're taking a break from Bible Times to hit up the middle ages and Jacobus de Voragine's The Golden Legend. Join us as we learn about our namesake saints (namesaints), St. Christopher and St. Benedict. One is a gigantic werewolf and the other hates being horny. Just friggin' hates it. It's not a competition, but if it was, you know who'd be ...
Aug 13, 2018•1 hr 37 min
Get out of the cistern and cut your nails, Theophiloi, because it's time for a brand new episode! Join us as we take on the extremely apocryphal book of Ahikar, Tobit's maybe nephew. This leads us to the biggest fight we've ever had on the show, which is about whether the Pharaoh's riddle contest is actually a riddle contest or not (it's not, but the eagle boys are pretty dope). Topics of discussion: A debate over the premise of the show that sends Chris's voice spiraling up about six octaves, T...
Aug 06, 2018•1 hr 22 min
We are back, Theophiloi! After a bona fide Act of God, we've returned to read the capital-A Apocryphal Book of Tobit, and it is a wild one. Join us for the most canonical of the non-canonical books, in which we find out exactly why you shouldn't go to sleep under a wall, what fish parts you need if you do, and meet an ironically prudish demon and an angel who's cool but rude. Plus: What happens if we find a brand new book of the Bible, autographed by God? Topics of discussion include: Janelle Mo...
Jul 30, 2018•1 hr 24 min
Okay, Theophiloi, let's get this clear right now: Roy Thomas was the second editor-in-chief of Marvel after Stan Lee, and is often considered to have been the first comics creator to make the leap from fan to pro, so yeah, he's basically Luke. Hope that clears it all up. Now that that's done, break off a hunk of traitor bread and join us as we finally finish with the canonical gospels! This week: the back half of the Gospel of John, aka the Gospel of Travis! Enjoy a not insignificant amount of G...
Jul 15, 2018•1 hr 24 min
Oh h*ck yeah! Your hosts done done it again, y'all: we goofed around and talked a whole lot about the Gospel of John. You'd think after going through this stuff four times, we'd be a little more efficient, but no. It turns out that there have been centuries of debate focused entirely on John 1:1, and it goes like you'd expect from there. Join us on the first part of our journey through the final canonical gospel (and by far the weirdest) as we meet a new and unknowable Jesus who is known by His ...
Jul 09, 2018•1 hr 26 min
Congratulations be upon you, Theophiloi (and possibly Apocryphinos)! We hope you're ready for some Johnny Bapto content, because that's what we have a lot of this time around, as we go into the Gospel of Luke! Bear witness to the Sermon on the Plain, the Seven Deadly Enemies of Man, and pure unbridled hatred for wizards, the rich, and, presumably, rich wizards. Plus, Chris solves the synoptic problem once and for all. You're welcome. Topics of discussion: a turkey of boy, Summer Christmas, the T...
Jul 02, 2018•1 hr 33 min
A question for you, Theophiloi: How many times would you like to listen to us go through the Gospel of Matthew? As many as... seven times? Well, you'll have to settle for two, as this week finds us finally getting into scripture. Join us here at Skull Mountain Baptist Church as we ghost ride the whip into Jerusalem, strain out gnats, gulp down camels, and celebrate the birthday of everyone's favorite dimwitted Apostle, Teen Peter. Topics of discussion: Bad ideas about when to bury your relatives...
Jun 24, 2018•1 hr 10 min
Congratulations be upon you, Theophiloi! So remember how last week, we had our longest episode ever? Well, your boys done did it again. We went so deep into the Gospel of Matthew that we wound up recording for well over two hours, which means it's time for our very first two-part episode! Join us as we go about 40 minutes before we actually get into scripture, largely because we're busy talking about hypothetical gospels, reviewing the major motion picture The Star, and settling this whole .gif ...
Jun 10, 2018•1 hr 9 min
"When the scribes of the Pharisees saw that He was eating with sinners and tax collectors, they asked His disciples, 'why does He eat with tax collectors and sinners?' When Jesus heard this, He told them 'Those who are well don't need a doctor, but the sick do need one. I didn't come to call the righteous, but sinners.'" -- The Gospel of Mark, 2:16-17 Gird thyself, Theophiloi, for our longest episode to date as we dive into the Gospel of Mark and its mysterious secrets. Join us as we chronicle J...
Jun 03, 2018•1 hr 51 min
"And Isaiah answered and said 'So far as I have utterance, damned and accused be thou and all thy powers and all thy house, for thou canst not take from me aught save the skin of my body.' And they siezed and sawed in sunder Isaiah the son of Amoz with a wooden saw." -- The Ascension of Isaiah, 5:9-11. Here's a question for you, Theophiloi: How do you get rid of a prophet who won't stop sitting on your bed in the nude with 50 of his closest friends? The answer, at least according to this week's ...
May 27, 2018•1 hr 12 min
