beauty standards, advice session

Welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and then I give you my own professional advice, and today's topic is a tricky one. It's a tricky one because compared to all the other topics I've discussed on advice session, I really struggle with this one more than all the other topics.

This is something I really don't have all figured out. And I don't claim to have anything all figured out. I'm a student of life. I'm learning more every day. I'm never going to have things all figured out. But in particular, I really don't have this one figured out. However, I've come a long way. I grew up in the age of social media. I got Instagram in middle school. I've been comparing myself to people on social media since I was 10 years old. I've dealt with

the beauty standards that have been pushed onto us from social media since my brain was literal prepubescent mush. You know, like this is, I developed on the internet. I developed with internet-induced beauty standards. I grew up in the age of the beauty filter. I grew up in the age of cosmetic surgeries becoming normalized to the point where they are the beauty standard.

This is all I know. And that's not to say that prior to the internet, prior to social media, beauty standards weren't incredibly challenging to deal with and like equally as horrible.

I'm not saying that at all. I think it was just different. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by The Ordinary. Self-care is important, but it can be super expensive, right? Especially when you're talking skincare products. Thankfully, The Ordinary is focused on quality skincare that's priced to make great skincare accessible to everyone. And that genuinely works. Formulations created in their lab designed to give your skin precisely what it needs.

They've even made a free regimen builder on their website if you don't know where to start. Use code MSC10 for 10% off at theordinary.com. Now back to the episode. I think the difference between...

beauty standards pre-internet and post-internet. This is just a hypothesis, by the way. I don't know for sure. But if I were to try to distinguish a difference, I would say prior to the internet.

I mean, it's a very complex topic, beauty standards, very complex. But I think at a high level, if I were to find a difference, I would say prior to the internet, the beauty standards perhaps were based on... celebrities that were on television in magazines in fashion campaigns and it almost didn't feel like real life like there was this degree of separation where

When you saw something on television, when you saw something on a billboard, like there's almost this feeling of like, well, that's not even a real person. Like, even though it is, there's a disconnect. I think the challenge with post-internet beauty standards is that... Our brains perceive social media content as being more real. Therefore, when somebody looks amazing on social media, it feels like a deeper cut because social media is other normal human beings. Does that make sense?

And I think, again, this is like oversimplifying the topic. But when I think of the new complexities that come with beauty standards in the age of the internet, that's what I think of. We almost compare ourselves. perhaps more violently to people that we see on social media than to, say, a perfectly airbrushed billboard or a movie where, you know, there's professional makeup artists on set.

perfecting everything and lighting is perfect like we expect that out of those environments whereas on social media subconsciously we feel like this is real more real and so we compare ourselves even worse I don't know if that's even accurate But that feels accurate to me. Again, that's more of a hypothesis than it is like a statement. I'm not stating that that's true, but that's how it feels to me. And that's how it's felt to me like growing up.

in the age of social media. And I assume most of you have also grown up in the age of social media. You've experienced this yourself. But I think to the normalization of getting work done, Botox, filler, getting your lips done. That's filler, right? I don't know. That being normalized in our generation has also made things a bit more complicated because the beauty standard now is based on non-human traits, you know?

Who would have thought this would have happened? So it's a particularly challenging time for beauty standards, or not even particularly challenging, but it's a uniquely challenging time to find self-acceptance. I think unique is the right word for it. But also, I have had a unique experience with body image and self-acceptance and beauty standards because I'm a public figure on the internet. And that...

adds a level of complexity to these types of challenges that we experience in life. Like, for example, today I posted on Instagram. And my particular post today was... a photo dump, if you will. And in this photo dump, in a lot of the photos, I wasn't wearing makeup. In a lot of the photos, the lighting wasn't the best. And that's not always the case with my posts on Instagram. Sometimes, a lot of times, you know,

I'll take a gorgeous photo in a gorgeous outfit and the lighting is perfect and I color grade it to perfection and I add grain and everything. It looks, it just looks gorgeous. You know what I mean? It just looks, I mean. It's totally a moment of theatrics. It's like my Instagram is not all bad lighting. You know, you can see my face without makeup. Like I post photos.

where the lighting is perfect and I'm wearing makeup. And like, there are things on my Instagram that are absolutely theatrical and it is my best moment. I absolutely post stuff like that on Instagram, but I also at times will post. photos on Instagram that are not that, where I'm not wearing makeup, the lighting is bad. It's just whatever, because sometimes that's fun too. And whenever I post a photo on Instagram or a collection of photos on Instagram where

the lighting is really natural. I'm not wearing makeup. It's a very raw moment. I know I will get comments about my parents. It happens without fail every single time. And today, that happened as expected. Of course, I got...

A bunch of wonderful, very sweet comments. But I also got comments that were like, why does Emma look like that? She looks terrible. She looks hideous. Is something wrong with her? Like, is she sick? Is she on drugs? She looks so bad. It's like, no, this is just my natural face.

In my natural dark circles under my eyes, this is just what I look like, you know? This is just who I am. But we're so conditioned to see the best of the best on social media that when somebody looks normal, it's like, ooh, what? Hey, what's that? And I've gotten to a point in my life now where that doesn't really bother me as much anymore. There was a point in my life and career where...

Comments about my appearance really bothered me. I've done a lot of work on a personal level to help me manage that pain and discomfort. Is it still something I struggle with? Of course. Of course. But... I've improved a lot, which is why I feel like I can come on here and give advice on these things because I have made improvements and I have worked on it. But I think another interesting sort of piece of this is that it's like...

The conversation on the internet about our appearance as human beings is very hypocritical. Like there are two conversations happening in tandem on the internet. On one hand, everyone's like, The beauty standards now are completely unrealistic. Everybody has, you know, cosmetic procedures done. You know, everybody's changing their natural look. It's so fake.

Where are the real faces? Where are people aging normally? Like we need more of this. We need to see more authentic, like real images of human beings. Like we need to see that. Where is that? There's not enough of that. And then on the other hand. There's people that are like, ew, like this celebrity's aging so badly. Ew, this person's aging so badly. Ew, this person looks sick without makeup. Ew, you look ugly. Ew, chopped in unk, whatever that means.

That's the new insult, apparently. I feel like a grandma on the internet these days. A new term will come out of TikTok or something, and I'm like, what? What is that? So you kind of can't win. If you look amazing... then some people are like, oh my God, yes, you look amazing. And then some people are like, oh my God, you're wearing so much makeup. Why are you wearing it? And then you look normal. And some people are like, wow, it's so refreshing to see this. And then other people are like,

you've never looked worse you're hideous and you're aging like milk so it's tough you know it's like you can't really win and that's the nature of the internet again I've come to accept that I like I'm not playing the victim here or being like woe is me like oh my god it's so hard like no this is totally the nature of the internet and it's totally fine but I'm more just giving you some understanding of my personal experience with these things so that you can have context

When I give you the advice I'm about to give you, you know, like this is sort of my experience. These have been the challenges that I've run into in my life. And, you know, this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. When's the last time you thanked your therapist?

If it's been a while, now's a good time. October 10th is World Mental Health Day, the perfect time to appreciate anyone in your life who's had a positive impact on your mental well-being. When I need to vent or I need advice or I just want to chat about life... I have a lot of wonderful people I can call. I can call my parents. I can call my friends. But sometimes you want to talk to somebody who isn't involved in your personal life. And that's where therapy comes in.

therapists are trained to give you tools to improve your quality of life. You can get help for clinical issues like anxiety and depression that keep persisting. You can learn positive coping skills, learn how to be kinder to yourself. Having the right person to talk to can be life-changing. And if you need help finding that, BetterHelp is a good place to start. This World Mental Health Day, we're celebrating the therapists who have helped millions of people take a step forward.

If you're ready to find the right one for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com anything. That's betterhelp.com anything. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. If you want a website that actually looks like you, not some boring template, Squarespace has these incredible AI-powered design tools that make it super easy to create something unique.

Plus, if you're offering services, you can manage bookings and payments all in one spot. It's simple, stylish and totally doable.

Go to squarespace.com slash Emma for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use code Emma to get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. But it's even like, to even zoom in on me, in particular on the internet. in me as a public figure in general, I can't tell you how many times I've seen my face be used in either a YouTube thumbnail or an article thumbnail image about Gen Z aging badly, okay?

I've seen it many times. I am one of the faces used for Gen Z aging badly, Gen Z aging like milk, okay? And that's tough for me because I've made an active decision in my life to age. naturally. Now, at some point, I might change my mind. You know, I'm not dying on this hill, right? Like I might turn 30 and be like, fuck it, I do want to get Botox. I don't know. But for right now,

Who I am right now, my morals and my values right now, who I am today, I want to age naturally. I'm also 24 years old. You know, like, I don't feel that I need to intervene. There's nothing wrong with... anti-aging procedures. There's nothing wrong with getting a cosmetic procedure to address an insecurity you have. I don't care what other people do. It is...

None of my business. I don't care. Everyone should do what makes them happy. Me on a personal level, I've made the decision that for at least right now, I want to be a natural person. I want... to age naturally and look the way I look. Because I think that there's beauty in that. And I also think it's important for potentially even young people who maybe follow me to see a normal, or not normal, but...

to see like a person aging naturally. And I want to maintain that for as long as possible. But again, I'm like scared to ever say that I'll never get work done or never do anything because... I don't know. I don't know how my perspective will change down the line. But for right now, that's a priority for me. But it's hard at times to have that be used against me and then to be, you know, used in a thumbnail about Gen Z aging badly. It's hard and it challenges me.

And it sometimes makes me want to just be like, fuck it, I'm gonna go get Botox. Fuck it. You know, I'm gonna like, get the lines around my mouth filled with filler or whatever the fuck. I don't even know what, like, yeah, like I... I don't know. It's been tough. It's been a journey, but I have come a long way and I still struggle with it all the time. It still stings a little bit to see my face in a thumbnail about Gen Z aging badly. It still sucks.

It's still hard to read a comment that's like, ew, Emma looks chopped and unk, whatever that fucking means. You know, it sucks, but I've come a long way. And so that's where I'm coming from as I give you this advice. And so without further ado.

Let's begin. Somebody said, how to love your natural self. Is it bad to feel more confident with a spray tan and dyed hair? To be honest, I do think it's normal to feel more confident with fun hair in a tan. and makeup on, and your eyebrows done, and your eyelashes done with extensions and a cute outfit on. Like, I do think that that's normal. And I don't actually think it's necessarily wrong.

to participate in these sort of self-enhancement things. Like I have bleached hair, you know, I don't really get spray tans, but like, I don't think that that's inherently wrong. I think using the things that are out there. The beauty technology that's out there to enhance our appearance is not inherently wrong or even necessarily toxic, right? I think the way that we choose to express ourselves.

through beauty, right? Whether that's hair or even a tan, right? You know, if you want to look sun-kissed, but you don't want to lay out in the sun, so you choose to get a spray tan instead of like a natural tan, like... If you like the way that you look with eyelash extensions, if you like the way that you look with your eyebrows threaded, if you like the way that you look with a lot of makeup on, if you like...

I don't think that that's inherently wrong. I think that can be a way of expressing yourself. And I think it's not automatically wrong or toxic. However, I do think that... The mindset and intent behind it is important to pay attention to within yourself because I think these things can become toxic. As with all things, I think everything can become toxic. Like, let's say...

you want to, you know, develop a healthy lifestyle. You want to start eating healthy, exercising, you know, on paper, that's like a healthy thing. You know, taking care of your body is a beautiful thing, but that can be taken too far and you can develop. various disorders from doing that. Too much of anything or the wrong intent behind something can make something that could be harmless actually harmful, right? And I think that's the case with...

Things like getting spray tans, dyeing your hair, whatever. I think if you're using it as a way to express yourself and you're using it as a way to sort of style yourself, right? It's like it enhances your personal style.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think it becomes wrong or not even wrong, but it becomes toxic and harmful when you're using these types of things to hide yourself. You're hiding yourself. You're not using these things to enhance yourself, but rather to hide yourself.

to cover up, you know, insecurities that are so overbearing that you can't stand them. And so you're using these things to hide yourself. And so I think if you're doing some self-reflection and you're like, okay, I am kind of using... the spray tan and the hair appointment to get myself to a point where I can accept myself. Like without these things, I cannot accept myself. If you're noticing that and it's starting to ring alarm bells in your head, like, ooh.

maybe this isn't good, you know? Maybe this is getting to a point it's toxic. Then it probably is. And in that case, I think it can be a really beneficial thing to... teach yourself to accept you for who you are as a natural person. And then once you find that acceptance within yourself, then you can go back out and enjoy these things again. But I think practice makes perfect.

You know, if if for years you've been getting a spray tan and dyeing your hair, maybe it's time to go back to your natural self for a little bit and practice living as you as a natural person and get comfortable with that. and learn to accept it through practice and living it. And then eventually you can go back to participating in these things, but perhaps with a new, healthier perspective. But I really do think practice makes perfect.

by not getting a spray tan, by not dying your hair, by maybe wearing less makeup for a little bit as sort of an exercise in self-acceptance, slowly but surely, you'll become more comfortable with this version of yourself. You'll start to see the beauty in that version of yourself as you expose yourself to yourself over and over again. You'll start to learn how to style this version of yourself in a way that makes you feel confident. And it's not an easy...

I think the way that I'm describing it makes it sound far more simple than it actually is. Not every day is going to be easy, but I think by sort of forcing yourself to be natural for a little bit. It will be uncomfortable at first. Your insecurities will be really loud and in your face at first. But eventually, through practice and through existing, you'll slowly but surely...

start to do, you know, makeup in fun ways that enhance your natural self. You'll start to wear clothes that, you know, enhance your natural self. And again, you'll start to see the beauty in it. A good example of that would be in dating, right? Like in romance, in dating. When you first meet somebody, your first impression is usually based on what they look like, right? And you might meet somebody who could potentially be a romantic partner. Perhaps you like went on a blind date.

And at first you're like, oh, I'm not really attracted to this person. But then as you talk to them and spend time with them and get to know them, they become attractive to you because you become comfortable with them as a person. You start to see. the full realm of who they are. And eventually, if you click with them, they become attractive to you through exposure, you know, and through time spent. I think the same thing can happen with your natural self.

You know what I mean? And again, does that mean accepting your natural self means never participating in like these fun self-enhancement sort of things? No, but I think... If you can go into getting a spray tan and getting your hair done from a place of like, this is just fun for me. And I'm just doing it because I like the way that I, you know, I like the way that it.

looks with clothes i like the way you know if you can get to a point where you're doing it for fun and you're not doing it out of a feeling of sort of like necessity and fear and insecurity that's amazing and that's that's i think that should be all of our goals I don't think it's about not utilizing these things. I think it's just about going at it from the right mindset. This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's Fruit Snacks.

Isn't it so satisfying when you combine two of your favorite things to make something even better? It's like when I'm putting an outfit together and I pair two of my favorite pieces together that I've never put together before. Like it just never crossed my mind. If you love a good pairing like I do, new Welch's fusions are so good. Each one is a combination of two fruity flavors and one juicy bite. One flavor on the outside, another on the inside. It's an unbelievable taste sensation. So...

I recommend them for experienced taste buds only. You've been warned. New Welch's Fusions. Please fuse responsibly. This episode is brought to you by Cozy. Getting your home to not just look right. but also feel right is so important. I think what I love most about my home is how there are so many little details around the house that bring me so much joy.

One place that I hang out a lot is my couch. I take naps on there. I get a bunch of work done on there. When I'm shopping for a piece of furniture or home furnishing, I'm looking for something that's comfortable, but also fun to look at. That's why you've got to love Cozy. Their furniture is modern, practical, and designed to make your day-to-day feel a little more, well, cozy.

They're modular and customizable, so if you wake up one day with the urge for a new look, Cozy makes it so easy. Easily switch up the layout, switch up the style, switch up the color. With Cozy's sofas, you don't just get a new nap spot. but the freedom to change your mind. Transform your living space today with Cozy. Visit cozy.com. That's C-O-Z-E-Y dot com. The home of possibilities made easy. This episode.

is brought to you by State Farm. Insurance may all seem the same on the surface, but having insurance isn't the same as having State Farm. It's like ordering the cutest vintage chair online, but when it shows up, it's a tiny doll-sized chair. You wouldn't settle for dollhouse decor, so don't settle for just any insurance. When it comes to getting the help you need, State Farm is the real deal. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Okay, next.

I'm going to be addressing multiple people's struggles at once. Okay, this is like three different people said kind of the same thing. One person said, how can I come to accept my appearance more? I never like what I look like and it makes me sad. Someone else said, similarly, how do I love what I look like? I always feel ugly, sad face. And somebody else said, how do I fix my body image issues? Can I be honest?

about all of these, which are all sort of, you know, a similar struggle. This is an ongoing journey. This is an ongoing journey. I don't know that this journey ever ends. I think it is so normal. And so natural to struggle with body image, to struggle to accept yourself for what you look like. I am convinced that even the most stereotypically beautiful...

perfectly fits the beauty standard person struggles with these things. I think it is human. I think it is normal. I think it's natural. I think depending on, you know, various factors, we all struggle with it in different ways. on different levels. Like, of course, it's a different experience and a different struggle for everybody. But I really do believe that it is something we all deal with and we will all deal with for the rest of our lives. I think it is, as with many.

challenges in life it's an ongoing struggle and it's an ongoing practice to like get to a good place with it it's it's like confidence and I mean confidence not in physical self but just confidence in you as a person, right? That is an ongoing journey forever. I don't think we ever reach a point where we're fully confident in ourselves as individuals. Like I think it is a constant practice. It is something you're constantly...

improving upon. Because as your life progresses, the challenge changes. The challenge to remain confident changes as your life changes, as career things change, as romantic relationships change, as your friendships change, as all the variables in life change, the way that you maintain your confidence changes. Same thing goes for self-acceptance and having a healthy sort of body image.

As you age, as changes happen in your body for whatever reason, as you look different, the challenge changes. And so that's why I think it's an ongoing journey forever. And so I think... The first piece of advice I have and what I try to remind myself constantly is like, this is normal and this challenge is normal. And I am constantly reminding myself to be patient with myself.

and forgiving of these feelings, you know? I try to forgive myself for feeling bad about myself. Because sometimes you can feel angry at yourself for feeling bad about yourself. And then it just... That doesn't help anything. That just makes it worse. So I try to forgive myself and be patient with myself on this journey. But I will say I don't have like a piece of advice to fully solve these challenges. Okay, I don't.

However, based on my life experience, I do have, you know, there are certain things that I've noticed that help. And I think the most helpful thing above all, the thing that makes these feelings.

less strong, less intense in the most significant way is focusing on feeling good physically and mentally. When I'm in a flow in my life where I'm setting time to take care of myself physically and mentally, and I'm successfully doing things that make me feel good physically and mentally, the way I feel about my appearance just tends to be a bit more positive.

Let's start with physically feeling good. When I'm eating nutritious foods and cooking for myself and sharing meals with people I love and my relationship with food is healthy and it's... and it's positive and it's nutritious and I feel like there's a sense of balance with food, that really helps. And I'm somebody who's struggled with food, okay? But when I'm in a good place with that...

And I'm in a balanced place with that because that's the key too. It's like, you don't want to go too healthy because then that's not healthy anymore. But you also want to be feeding yourself with nutritious foods. the fruits and the veggies and the proteins in the, in the, in the cart. Like you want to be balanced because when you eat nutritious foods, you feel good. You feel physically good, you know? And when...

Food becomes this soulful experience. You're cooking for yourself and you're eating meals that you made with love for yourself. And you put effort into it and then it tastes good. And then afterwards you feel satiated. warm and cozy and happy. And, you know, that can be such a wonderful experience. When you're enjoying meals with people that you love, you know, that makes your experience with food so much healthier and happier.

There's balance in that really, that's a really important element of feeling physically good. But that also kind of ties into feeling mentally good as well. But also moving my body. When I'm sitting too much in my life.

When I'm sedentary too much in my life, I feel like shit. I feel like shit physically and mentally. Exercise and movement, not necessarily like running marathons or like doing... a boot camp style workout every day and like lifting heavy weights, like not even necessarily that moving in ways that make me feel physically good, but also mentally good.

That could be a walk because I've been sitting at my computer all day. That could mean going to a hot yoga. That could mean going to a little Pilates. That could mean going to a boot camp if that's what I'm in the mood for and lifting heavy weights. Like, who knows? Whatever.

moving my body in a way that feels good and not forcing myself to do something because i'm like you know well sometimes like sometimes you do have to sort of push yourself to move but i think the key is pushing yourself to move in ways that make sense like not if you're really tired one day doesn't necessarily make sense to go do like the hardest boot camp heavyweight workout in the world it might mean you know what let's start with a walk and see what happens next you know it's like but moving

in life. That really makes me feel physically and mentally good. When I feel physically good, it helps. And it's not about the way that exercising in particular ways makes my body look. It's not necessarily about how eating particular foods makes my body look. When I've truly found a sense of balance in these things and...

When I'm truly participating in these things in a way that is genuinely healthy, I think about my appearance a lot less because I feel so good that it makes me want to live my life. I don't even care about what I look like. I feel so good that I just want to live in the real world and have fun. Does that make sense? And yes, like food and exercise impacts the way your body looks in ways. And that is an element. But I think more importantly.

When I feel physically good, I'm not thinking about like my stomach hurting or feeling like my back hurts. Like I just I feel good. And so I want to live my life. But same thing goes for. feeling mentally good. And I mean, I think the physical elements very much impact the mental elements, right? So like, when my physical health is in a good place, that absolutely helps my mental health. But there are other things

that I can do to feel mentally healthy that weirdly impact the way I feel about how I look, right? When I am focused on living in the real world, okay, off the internet, in the real world. I'm focused on the things that really matter. Okay, what really, really matters, what really matters is being a good person, treating people well, having meaningful relationships in life, spending your time off.

Doing things that are fulfilling for you, whether that's a hobby or trying new restaurants or going shopping. I don't care. Doing things with your time off that truly bring you joy. Having a sense of discipline. a healthy sense of discipline, you know, pushing yourself to work towards your goals, but in a way that's balanced. Listen, all of the things that I'm describing here are like,

the ideal homeostasis for life, right? I mean, I don't know if homeostasis is really the right word to use, but it's like having the perfect balance in life, having, you know, living the healthiest life mentally and physically possible. Now, is this realistic 24-7? No.

like in my life, there's always something that I'm, there's always something that's not going perfectly, right? Like I might be in a place where I feel physically super healthy and, you know, perhaps my social life is really good, but.

my work life is maybe a bit imbalanced. Maybe I'm experiencing a bit of burnout or maybe there's a phase in my life where I don't feel physically healthy necessarily. I feel kind of like shit physically, but my work life is really productive. I have a lot of discipline in my work life, like whatever.

It's very hard to be in this place. It's very hard. And it takes so much focus, but it's a constant battle. But I will say, the healthier I am physically and mentally, my appearance aside, The less I think about my appearance and the more willing I am to accept my appearance for what it is because I feel so good and I'm existing in the real world, so I don't even care as much.

And the part of me that does care is a bit more flexible because I feel good. But it's complicated because we have a tendency as humans to like take things too far, you know, and become too disciplined, start eating too healthy. Start exercising too much. And then that's unhealthy too. It's finding the balance is exhausting. It's challenging. And it's a full-time job, to be honest. But I will say that even just focusing on it.

And trying to get to a healthy place in itself will distract you from what you look like because you're so focused on bettering yourself that you're like, I don't even care about what I look like because this is my focus. It's like, I want to feel good. I just want to feel good and find balance.

And if you focus on that, the way you look, its importance will dwindle in a way. I don't know. That's at least my experience. And again, I think it's different for everyone, but I've found that that's...

what tends to work best for me. But I also think to be careful with your internet consumption in your consumption of all sorts of media. I think the internet and media in general can make us feel so much worse about ourselves. through the obvious comparison, through being exposed to people looking their best all the time, like that undeniably plays a role. And so I think if you're in a place where you're particularly struggling, I think.

like it can be really helpful to sort of distance yourself from the internet and from social media for a little bit. Focus on feeling good. And then you can go back to like, looking at what other people are doing on the internet and what they're wearing and how hot they look or whatever the fuck. Then you can go back to that from a stronger place. But I think if you're in a particular phase in your life where you're struggling, that only makes it worse.

So that's something to keep in mind as well. Okay, somebody said, I'm only 22, but I feel the pressure to get preventative Botox because everyone else is doing it. I don't really think I need it, but everyone else getting it makes me question that. I understand this in a big way because it's very common in this industry to routinely improve appearance through things like Botox, filler, facelift, buckle fat removal.

I am in the epicenter, it feels like at times, of this facet of the beauty standard. And so I understand the sort of feeling of peer pressure at times to participate. Or not even necessarily peer pressure, but the feeling of like... Am I not like, am I like missing something? Like, should I be doing this too? Because everyone else is doing it. So like, is there something wrong with me that I'm not doing it? Am I falling behind by not participating in this?

Am I making the wrong decision? I get it. But I'm going to sound like a grandma right now. There's the age old saying, just because your friend jumped off a bridge doesn't mean you should too. Or something like that. Basically meaning just because other people are doing something doesn't mean you should do it too. Now, obviously getting Botox, getting preventative Botox is not nearly as bad as jumping off of a bridge. And I think too, like jumping off a bridge is much dumber than...

getting preventative Botox in some ways. I mean, getting preventative Botox can be dumb if you're not going to like a proper doctor, which is something that I've seen happen on the internet. Some people are going to people who are not like professional. injectors you know some people are are going and getting too much Botox to the point where like their face doesn't move there's a lot of things like

There are risks with getting Botox, right? Things can go wrong. Even if you're going to an experienced person who's really good at giving Botox, Botox, things can go wrong. You know, you're injecting technically a type of... I think it's poison into your face that makes your muscles in your face not move so that, you know, your face doesn't move to create wrinkles because that's what creates wrinkles. If you move your face over and over again.

Little seams will form. Little lines will form. That's how it works, right? But anytime you're doing something like that, things can go wrong. So, I mean, is it as risky as jumping off a bridge? No, but there are risks involved. Here's the thing.

I don't think there's anything, there's nothing morally wrong necessarily with getting Botox. People can do, in my opinion, people can do whatever the fuck they want, whatever the fuck they want to their face and their body and whatever. It is up to you. You know, the second I start.

telling people what to do with their face and body is the second that people are allowed to tell me I'm allowed to do or I'm not allowed to do what I want with my face. It's not fair. We can do whatever we want. And I also don't think that there's... I don't necessarily believe in attaching moral value to being natural or getting things done. I just don't believe in that either. I just don't think that it's fair.

But this is a tricky one, though, because things like Botox, you know, it is a procedure that prevents physical signs of aging on the face, which... promotes a certain beauty standard, which is youthfulness, right? Which has been a beauty standard since the dawn of time, I imagine, right? And so that is tricky because even though there's nothing wrong with getting Botox, the pressure to feel...

young and youthful and to not wrinkle is made worse by the normalization of Botox. And so nobody is wrong for getting Botox, but the beauty standard of youthfulness is... not, that's a bit shitty, right? It's kind of inevitable, it seems, but it sucks. It's shitty. It's not, that's not morally good. for somebody to be considered more valuable in a way because they look younger like that's not that's gross right and so that's sort of the evil that you're up against when you're dealing with

the sort of peer pressure or the societal pressure to look young for longer. The societal sort of belief is what's evil in a way and what's wrong. And I think an ongoing battle for us as human beings is to...

make decisions for ourselves, not make decisions based on what other people are doing or what the beauty standard is or this or that. The thing that we need to fight to maintain is our autonomy to make decisions for ourselves in our in our body you know it's like it's really challenging to feel like everybody's getting preventative Botox and to then make a decision for yourself like

That is a very challenging thing to do because we're social animals and we see what other people are doing and we want to do it too. We want to be normal. We want to fit in. But we also naturally want to like... we all feel the pull of the beauty standard, right? Like it's very hard not to feel that because in a lot of ways it is rewarded on the internet. It is rewarded in real, like that pressure is palpable.

It's palpable and it's inevitable. And so it's very hard in that sort of environment to make a decision for yourself. But it sounds like you feel like you don't need it. And it sounds like it's not something you're interested in. Because if it was...

you would just have done it already and you wouldn't be asking me what to do. You wouldn't be asking me how to handle that sort of dilemma. The reason why there's a dilemma is because this is something that doesn't quite sit right with you. Maybe it's because... There's risks that come with getting Botox. It can go wrong. Maybe it's because you believe in the beauty of aging naturally. You know, you want to be an example of aging naturally for perhaps your children one day, whatever.

it might go against your morals. You might not believe in using certain cosmetic procedures to change your face and body, whatever it may be. This, for some reason, is not sitting right with you. Or maybe you just feel like you're too young to be doing these things. That's something you want to deal with down the line.

For whatever reason, it doesn't feel right to you. That's why you're asking me what to do. Trust your instinct. If this doesn't feel right for you, don't do it. You don't, and also, you don't need to do it. No one needs to do this stuff. You know what I'm saying? Don't let society pressure you into conforming into something that doesn't feel like you, you know? I think the way to get to a point where this is easier, I don't think it's ever, again, like perfectly easy, but I think...

The way to get yourself to a point where making decisions for you based on you and your beliefs and your morals and values and your timeline in life when, you know, you want to do things or when you don't like. Maybe you do want to get Botox one day, but maybe preventative feels a little bit like, what? I'm 22. You're a child. Your prefrontal cortex isn't even fully developed. You don't need to start Botox. You just don't.

And you never do. But if you want to get to a point where it's easier for you to make decisions based on you, I think that comes down to confidence, internal confidence, not external confidence, internal confidence. a strong sense of self. And I think the way that you get to that point, it's I mean, again, it's like practice makes perfect. But I think some of the ways that you can strengthen your sense of self is number one, self reflection about

sort of complex topics such as this, right? Talking to other people who you're close to about complex topics such as this and finding, figuring out where you stand on things in a way that gives you confidence. Like, I am very certain about where I stand on things, not necessarily in a way where like, they'll never change, but like,

I am constantly reflecting and trying to figure out how I feel about these certain types of things. I'm constantly having conversations with people in my life about complicated topics and trying to figure out where I stand on them because I know that through doing that, I'm becoming a stronger Emma. I'm becoming like my sense of self is becoming stronger. And so I'm sort of in this practice of doing that because I know the value that it brings.

I choose to have these types of conversations with people. I choose to self-reflect. And through that, I've gained a sense of confidence and sense of self. But then I think, too, standing firm in that. Proving to yourself that you make decisions for you through actively facing a moment like this where you're kind of tempted to like do what everyone else is doing, but then you don't because it's not you. Doing that.

In life, as often as you can, helps build your sense of self as well. It helps build self-respect. And when you respect yourself and you know who you are, which again is a practice that's ongoing for life, but when you have that. these types of dilemmas don't feel as confusing because your number one priority, your guiding light in life is your own perspective rather than everyone else's. I mean...

There's even more like this is kind of a rabbit hole, though, like I feel like having a sense of self and having confidence in yourself and your beliefs and your opinions and where you stand on things like there's a rabbit hole that you could go down of different things that sort of.

allow you to have that sort of confidence and sense of self. Like there's so many different things that compound to give you that. Being a good person, having discipline in your life. Like there's so many things that lead to it.

that it's like I could sit here all day and talk about it. So I'll stop while I'm ahead, but I think you get the idea. This episode of Anything Goes is brought to you by Pandora Jewelry. I love gift shopping for the people I love. It's the look on their faces when they see their gift that gets me every time. That's why I think Pandora is such a great choice. It's like a gift that says it all. You can even literally say something with their personalized engraving.

Whether you're shopping for a shiny surprise for your significant other, matching bracelets to celebrate your friendship, or a heartfelt gift for a family member or yourself, say more this holiday season with Pandora. Shop in store or online. at pandora.net. This episode is brought to you by eBay. Tell me if I'm alone here, but shopping used to feel more fun before all that algorithm-fed blah and the endless sea of dupes. But I have a confession. I found that fun feeling again on eBay.

It's not mindless scrolling. It's a fashion pursuit. And when you score that rare sneaker or that bag you've been manifesting, it's a rush. eBay has millions of pre-loved finds from hundreds of brands backed by eBay Authenticity Guarantee. eBay, things people love. Next, somebody said...

TikTok makes me feel so bad about myself because it feels like everyone has a 20-step skincare routine and everyone has perfect skin and everyone has cute clothes and it weighs on me. But at the same time, I love the mindlessness of watching TikToks and I can't seem to fully get off. What should I do? Well, I think the first step to this is realizing that it's making you feel like shit, right? The acknowledgement is actually, that's like a huge accomplishment because like years ago when I was...

on TikTok a lot. Like I was addicted to TikTok for, which is crazy to think about, but it took me a long time to realize that it was a problem. And the second I realized it was a problem, it was so like late in the game. I was so down bad that I just had to delete the app altogether. And I've tried to return to TikTok many times and failed. I might try again. I don't know. It's just, it really weighs on. It's a really toxic platform at times.

It can be a really toxic platform. Whether you're posting TikToks or you're consuming TikToks, it can be a really toxic platform. I think it is a toxic platform. You know, the speed in which you're consuming different topics. opinions and it's like such it's such sensory overload that is toxic in a lot of ways for your brain but also if you post on TikTok TikTok the the discourse on TikTok tends to be pretty rough like

The type of content that does best on TikTok is rage bait, stuff that pisses people off, where the comment section is all like people pissed off and like, why'd you do that? Why'd you say that? That's the type of stuff that does best on TikTok. So overall, I think it's a toxic.

platform. And I think it's very normal to come to the conclusion that it's not good for you. I think too, that another thing that does well in the algorithm to speak specifically to our topic of the day is people who look amazing, who look really hot, who have...

like their makeup beautifully done. Like that is something that does very well on TikTok. And so if you watch content of people who look amazing, have perfect skin, have a cute outfit on, you're going to get more of that content. The algorithm knows. And so... I think this is a lot of people's experience on TikTok, for one. But a lot of people struggle to realize what the issue is. And I struggled to realize what the issue was for a very long time until my inevitable sort of...

TikTok induced mental breakdown. So it's kind of a miraculous thing that you have realized that it's a problem before you're at the point where you're like, I actually can't open this app again without having a mental breakdown. You know what I mean? Like that's actually really, that's good. I think there's a few ways that you can address this. If you really love TikTok and it's really, truly an isolated issue where it's just this certain type of content that you're getting that's bothering you.

Perhaps you could use the little feature where I don't even know if this still exists on TikTok. It must, but I don't know. I haven't been on TikTok in a while, so I don't really know how it works. But on almost all social media platforms, if you don't want to see a certain type of content, you can go and click the little...

button in the corner for settings or something and click I'm not interested in this content anytime you get content you don't want to see I do that all the time on YouTube especially if I don't want to see something anymore I'll click that and then the algorithm knows I don't want to see that anymore

Maybe it's that simple. Maybe try that. And if you're like, wait a minute, actually, that did kind of solve that problem. But TikTok is still seemingly causing anxiety, causing negative emotions. Maybe you need to find for the time being. a new mindless source of entertainment. Maybe you need to get into your YouTube era. Maybe you need to get into your TV era.

Maybe you need to get into getting massages. I don't fucking know. I don't know. But like, then I think it's time to sort of find a replacement for a time being. Give yourself a one month break from TikTok. entertain yourself in some other way that's equally as mindless, right? You don't need to like start reading books as your form of mindless entertainment. You don't need to start painting.

Like that stuff is still hard. Like there's something about mindlessness where you can just lay there and rot and watch something. Like I don't think the way to go is to remove all mindless entertainment because that's. too hard. And then you're just going to end up going back to TikTok because you're like, I can't, you know, you need to find something that's a little bit healthier, but still mindless. That might be YouTube. That might be a new...

TV show. That might be reality TV. I don't know what it is. You need to figure it out. But find the mindlessness elsewhere. Get away from the platform for a little bit and see how you feel. Okay. And lastly, somebody said, I'm genuinely...

terrified of looking old how do I accept that aging is normal a realization that I had somewhat recently is that it is truly a blessing and an accomplishment in a way, to live into your old age. It's a privilege. It's a blessing and a privilege to live into your old age. Not everybody gets to have that experience. And yes, something that comes with that.

is looking old. But if you look at it with some real life perspective, if you zoom out a little bit, it is a privilege to have wrinkles. Now, I know it's like... everything's relative, right? And it is totally normal to be afraid of aging. And so I'm not trying to be like, look at the bigger picture here, okay? Now stop thinking about wrinkles. We'll zoom back in.

But like something that's given me perspective whenever I start to worry about the small shit, like, you know, what I look like or like, you know, little work related things that stress me out. When I when I get hyper focused. on something that's ultimately inconsequential like that type of stuff and i let it consume me i have to take a step back and look at the bigger picture and the bigger picture is this the bigger picture is that there are so many souls that

didn't get to experience wrinkles for whatever tragic sort of reason. And to experience aging and getting wrinkles is to have been... for the lack of a better word, blessed enough to exist for that long on this planet. Like, I'm at a point now where anytime I'm like, I start focusing on the small stuff, I'm like, I actually just need to be fucking grateful I'm here. Grateful I'm here.

grateful for the fact that, like, you know, for all of the blessings that I'm actively experiencing in my life, and I'm not even saying blessings necessarily in, like, a religious sense, but for the lack of a better term, like...

to keep it broad for those of you who are maybe even atheist, okay? I don't care if you're atheist. It doesn't matter. There's always something to be grateful for. I just, I can't, I personally can't justify worrying about wrinkles at this point because if I, the more wrinkly I get,

the longer I defy death. That's just the way I look at it. And so that makes me not afraid. I'm not afraid of aging. What's worse, that or dying? You know what I'm saying? Now that's the way I put it into perspective for myself, right? Seems extreme. Seems like zooming out too far to some of you, perhaps. But that is a reminder that I give to myself whenever I get hyper fixated on something like.

looking old that's ultimately inconsequential, right? But I also think, you know, if we were to zoom back in, it's normal to fear aging and fear looking older because we do experience the... celebration of youthfulness. That's part of the beauty standard. So it's normal to fear aging because we're constantly being reminded that youthfulness is what we should be striving for.

whether it's in commercials or it's in an article with me as the face of it that says Gen Z is aging like milk. Why is that? You know, it's like we're constantly being reminded that youthfulness is valuable. So it's almost not even our fault that we fear aging. It's like we're being told to fear it. And so even though there's this bigger picture, it is still normal and I think natural to still fear it because...

We want to be accepted by our peers. We want to feel beautiful. We want to feel all these things. And there's a lot of odds stacked against us as we age. But I think in addition to... you know, kind of reminding yourself of the bigger picture of life as a whole, which I think helps with this type of stuff. I think on a more macro level, it can also be helpful to just focus on what you can control. Okay. There are many things that you can do that

will help you age in a way that's perhaps more ideal in your head, right? That ultimately are actually healthy for us, right? Whether it's wearing sunscreen or it's... having a skincare routine ritual that keeps your skin healthy and hydrated or it's drinking a lot of water or it's eating well or trying to

eliminate as much stress as possible. There's so many different things that you can do that are in your control that will help you age perhaps in a way that is more like focus on what you can control. I don't think there's anything wrong with being like, you know, I want to age as gracefully as possible. And I want to, you know, so don't drink alcohol, wear sunscreen. Those are things that you can do.

Those are things that are ultimately net positive in your life that are healthy, but can give you a semblance of control over your aging in a way. Because I think a lot of times we tend to spiral about the things that we can't control and we can't control the way that we age, but we can a little bit.

through taking really good care of ourselves. And that's a net positive thing to focus on. So instead of worrying about aging, focus on having gratitude for your life and focusing on the ways that you can take care of yourself so that you can age in a way that... maybe you'll be more satisfied with. But the other thing is too, it's like, I find that aging is not this horrendous thing to be afraid of. Like I find older folks.

um who are who are wrinkly and who whatever to be so charming and beautiful like I don't know I there's also something to be said for like changing what you see as beautiful like I don't you know it's like Maybe it comes with a level of maturity or life experience. I'm not really sure. But like, I also don't fear aging as much because there are people who are like 90 years old where I'm like, they look fucking badass and like hot and cool.

I just don't know. I don't know. But that has come with age for me. That's something that has just happened naturally as I've gotten older. And my understanding and my personal feelings about beauty have changed because... I've just had more life experience. And I mean, I'm still a young person, but like compared to when I was 18, you know, what I think is beautiful has changed. It's far less surface level now. So, you know, that's another thing that you can look forward to is perhaps.

as you mature in your life, you're not going to be as afraid of looking old anymore. Because if you continue to work on yourself and continue to deepen your sense of the world around you... you'll find that this stuff just doesn't concern you in the same way or it just doesn't concern you at all because the surface level feelings, I think you can grow out of. Not everyone grows out of them, but I think it is something that's possible to grow out of as well.

And that's it. That's all I got for today. I love you all. I appreciate you all. As always, it is such a pleasure. to give you my unprofessional advice. If you enjoyed this advice session, new episodes of Advice Session every other Sunday, but new episodes of Anything Goes in General every Thursday and Sunday. So tune in and hang out. I'm here twice a week and I talk for hours and hours and hours. So come hang out.

Anything Goes is on social media at Anything Goes. I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company is in the world and on the internet at Chamberlain Coffee. Hopefully my cold goes away soon. I've just had the most disgusting sounding voice and you can like...

hear the phlegm in my throat. It's just disgusting. So hopefully that goes away soon. And I appreciate your patience over the last few episodes of just the most horrendous, nasally sounding voice possible. So I'm grateful for your patience.

Okay, I love you all. I appreciate you all. And I'll talk to you in a few days. You're beautiful. You're amazing. You're incredible. Don't let the fucking beauty standard and the internet tell you otherwise. And listen, it's easier said than done. It's easier said than done. But just know that I think that no matter who you are, no matter what the fuck, I don't care. To me, I don't even need to see you to know that you are a beautiful human being and a beautiful soul.

That's just, that's what I'm in. And I'll end with that. Okay. I love you all. And I'll talk to you soon. Bye. used to describe an individual whose spirit is unyielding, unconstrained, one who navigates life on their own terms, effortlessly. They do not always show up on time, but when they arrive, you notice an individual confident in them. Contradictions. They know the rules but behave as if they do not exist. Mutine. The new fragrance by Miu Miu. Defined by you. Mutine.

Adjective used to describe an individual whose spirit is unyielding, unconstrained, one who navigates life on their own terms, effortlessly. They do not always show up on time, but when they arrive, you notice. An individual confident in their contradictions. They know the rules but behave as if they do not exist.