Perfectionist Panic

I'm here now. There was a tragedy with one of the recordings that we had already to release tomorrow. It just was something was wrong with the recording um and it was untenable to could not release, and so we didn't have anything produced in the can ready at a moment's no, just nothing would be quicker than me coming and talking to you solo. So here I am now.

I don't have a planned story to tell like I did the day I talked about my fear of flying journey, but I thought maybe I would just talk about an aspect of getting recovery around anxiety that I'm personally fascinated with. I think it was a big part of my story. And that is cognitive distortions, distorted thinking, and perfectionism, which is if you really don't know the definition, it's not

what you think it is. And sort of I don't know if it's self esteem, but the something that that you need to even dip your toe in getting a little bit better. And I do think that some people, and I know I was one of them. I thought, I don't think any of this stuff is gonna work for me. You know, Even when I took that Fear of Flying course, I was almost proud that I didn't

graduate the class with flying colors. Everyone else flew for the first time or for the first time since they had developed their phobia of flying, with really no panic and very little anxiety, and I didn't. I full on panics the whole time. And I was almost proud. I told you, I'm so special, I'm so different. This doesn't help me. And as disordered as that sounds, because it is a disordered thinking, that was like a warm blanket and a cup of hot coco to me. That was

in a weird way. I don't think I knew it then, but in a weird way, that was soothing. There is no help for me. So guess what you get to do when there's just no way you can be helped with anxiety. You get to go into all of the behavior years that you use now to cope, and they probably our behaviors that aren't helping. They may make the anxiety worse, but they keep your life nice and small.

So up definitely can't do that, can't go here, can't go there, can't do this, can't do that well because I got the worst of anybody, and so it goes. There was something again I was not aware of it, but probably potentially scary about getting over my fear, flying and challenging the distortions in my mind and trying to get better, which is what if I really try and I fail? But I also think the bigger thing is

what if I really try and I succeed. Now I'm just a person in the world without my security blanket, my anxious coping mechanisms. Not the anxiety itself, but the coping mechanisms we do. That's like our drug, not the anxiety itself. And you know, I have my little coping mechanisms. I have my rituals I do. I have my worrying that I do. I have my shallow breathing that I do. You know, in a weird way, it comforts me more than deep breaths. You have all your things. I have

the bad mood that I get into. I have the your ability that I get into. I have the anger, the self righteousness that I'm smarter than everybody else because I'm actually having anxiety about this flight or this traffic jam or whatever. And so now with all out, without all of our little protecting things, now we're just a person in the world who can experience feelings sadness, anger, disappointment, grief, embarrassment, shame. You know, it's much easier to feel nothing but anxiety.

And in that way, it really is like a drug, because John Waters famously said, if you have a drug addiction, you have one problem, that drug addiction, and then when you sober up, no, you got all the problems. And so I just want you know, this may not be

something that everybody relates to. But as I was going through books i'd read on anxiety and looking at them a second time, things started to jump out at me that I said, oh, I think this is me, and and I somehow worked through this, but I really think this is where I used to be at and and so I was going through this book, one of my favorite books. I highly recommend it for anybody. It's called The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. Now, if you don't have phobias,

you might be reticent to buy the book. It doesn't focus too much on phobias. Honestly, of the book is about phobias. It's really a lot about anxiety, mostly about anxiety and panic attacks. And it's incredible. I mean, it's the kitchen sink. It is throwing every single possible diagnosis at your you know, reasons for why panic and anxiety arise, from the physical to the thoughts and the way back of our head. And it's it's a book I always

tell people to to read. It's it's also it's by um an author called Dr Edmund Borne, and I can link to it in the show notes. I actually asked him to be on the podcast, or my producers did, and um, he he's not going to be on Anxiety Bites. Uh, not not in a bad way. He's just he doesn't do podcasts. Um he does like public appearances and things like that, but um, you know he's he has his own way that he gets his word out. But so

I highly recommend the book. But there was something I wanted to talk to him about, which was this little detail, and that little detail is perfectionism. And so let me take it back here. I've known for a while that

Dr Born was not able to do the podcast. Men, I knew before even the podcast premier in October, but I kept thinking, well, there'll be some doctor I can talk to about this thing that I'm sort of fascinated by, which is the cognitive distortions that we don't know we're thinking that causes to panic when we go that just happened out of the blue, or um, you know, the real definition of perfectionism, and it just hasn't come up yet naturally when I when I've talked to people, UM,

so I thought, all right, I'll just talk about it solo in this episode. But taking it back to why I was even thinking about any of this was during the god the first year of the pandemic. Welcome to year three, everybody, the first year of the pandemic, when we were in various stages of lockdowns. Um, this is

when I got the idea to start this podcast. But Before I started the podcast, I wrote this fifty page PDF with stories from my life, and I just compiled as much as I could of things that people could read, whether it's a free pdf they could click on, you know, on the internet. And I reposted and reprinted a lot of things from the Anxiety and Phobio Workbook by Dr

Edmund Bourne. And as I was sifting through the workbook to find things that might be interesting to people, it's where I came across the notion of perfectionism stops people from even getting help with their anxiety and distorted thinking. And I thought maybe that would be interesting for people to read because we all kind of know roughly what

to do for anxiety. We we know about yoga, right, we know about meditation, we know about breathing, We even know about I don't know, don't have too much caffeine or whatever. But but when you can't even begin to begin doing the things that you need to do to address your anxious symptoms, what is that to call? It? Is that anxiety? And how do we break through that?

And I just wanted to give some information to people because it might click in your brain and you might think, oh, that's what I do now how you go forward and not do it anymore. You will have to do some of the exercises in books such as the Anxiety and Phobia Work Book. There's other books like it um or if you something you talk about in therapy, or sometimes

just the awareness helps. I have a friend who years ago, when he was quitting smoking, he would say to himself, not oh, I gotta quit, but I'm not going to think about it right now. I want to quit, but I'm not willing to. And he just said it to

himself that way. And when other people would say, you know, you should quit and it's good for your health, and he would say, I, I know everything that's good about quitting, I'm not willing to right now, And just by saying the truth, it just got into his mind that that

was the only thing stopping him. He just wasn't willing, and sort of behind the scenes in his brain it became a matter of well, when are you willing And he eventually did, but he said it was that moment that even just saying things that way changed things for him. And so I do that now with quote being busy now, I am extremely busy right now. I'm in my life the way my anxiety looks is I'm working sixty five hours a week. That is not ideal. I'm not a workaholic.

I actually don't even love working. I'm glad. I love all of my jobs. I write for a TV show, I do this podcast, and I also have another side project that's more in the comedy world that I do, and I have to do all of them at once. I'm not really in control of when any of these projects need to be turned in. UM. It's very strange, you know. I work for myself in a lot of ways in that I'm sitting in my kitchen right now

recording this, you know. But there are deadlines, there are contracts, there are things, And with my writing job, it's fully a normal job where I'm not in control of anything and I don't work from home. And but my other comedy endeavor is um or my other endeavor, which is comedy, is a little more within my control. But if I

don't do it, I don't get paid. And all of these things added together are what I need my income to be in any given years, So it's not like one thing pays enough for the whole year because they're all part time jobs. In the sense of there not twelve months a year, right, So they all just happened to be going on at the same time. That was not coming out of the pandemic. And I know we're still in it. My god, I don't mean it that way.

We need to find a better expression for that. Coming out of the first round of the pandemic, I'd say post first vaccine, pre delta, pre o maicron, when it seemed like, okay, there's a chance we could just jump right back into normalcy and go to where we were before. And there were so many think pieces what have we learned? And can we slow down? And what things do we you know, think that we could drop from our busy lives.

And I was, I was there. I was saying, you know, I'm not going to make myself nutty anymore with all this business. But there are some time is when you don't have a choice. So it's not there's not any Oh, I'm secretly a workaholic who just wants to avoid no. No, I just this this time of year when I happen to have all my jobs firing at once, you know, not firing the opposite of firing, you know what I mean? Uh, But so, now where does my self care come in?

Where does ten minutes of meditation in the morning, writing a gratitude list, just doing some mild stretching when I get out of bed, for God's sakes, you know, just it's not my workout for the day. I mean, I might take a class later in the day, I might go on to walk, but even just getting an event and thinking that feels stiff, let me just stretch for literally ninety seconds. I sometimes won't even do that. My brain will say, well, you're taking an exercise class tonight, Well,

what does that have to do with anything? This is I'm not doing bodybuilding right now. I'm just stretching like a cat would when they get up from a knop. And my brain jumps in and tells me that's all we're doing right now? Why not? It just gets so flooded and compartmentalist. So my morning ritual that I would love to do every day is, and I've done this in the past, a little bit of meditation. Usually I

like to do a guided morning one. There are a few great ones I love that you can lay in bed and do and then maybe even if I have enough time, another meditation that is a little more, you know, sit with your good meditation posture, you know, five time minutes, right, a gratitude list, and maybe read something from some kind of I don't know, a book that has a spiritual bend or psychology band, or listened to some kind of

podcast like an Anxiety Bites. But the podcast that that I listened to, that are you know, for just getting quiet and learning about the mind. And there are some mornings when I just won't do that, and I have time technically, but I jump out of bed and I run to the coffee pot and I make my coffee, and I get right into what I call the real world. It's right into returning emails, right into my favorite thing, making it to do list. But I do that to do list in a way that isn't really to prioritize

what I need to do. And when it's this, once the list is made, I'll feel relief. And I never feel that relief because something in my soul is saying, can you stretch for ninety seconds? Can you do that meditation? Can you do um anything? Now? You know I can't. And so I've adopted long way to get here back here. I've adopted my friend who quit smoking. I've adopted his The thing of I say to myself, I have time to do that, I'm not. I'm not willing to this morning.

And there's something About's not to make myself feel bad. It's just to be honest with myself, I'm not willing to so that eventually midweek or into the week week or the next week, I have to sit with myself and ask, Okay, if I'm not willing to do those things, what can we look at here? Do we need to change the time of day that I do them? Do we need to say tough ship, You're going to do them anyway? I mean, at a certain point, I can't sit around and wait for the willingness. I have to

take an action. Do I just tell myself, Okay, what if one day you just did this five minute thing? Is it that I'm thinking of all these three things I could do? What is it? How am I feeling? What are my feelings? What are the thoughts behind the thought I don't have time? Is it, oh my god, I don't have time, but I really want to. I love this stuff? Or is it I really hate this stuff? I'm resentful that I have to do it? In the first place. Why can I just be normal? You know?

It's like, mom, those are two different reasons to not do something, both valid, both have different solutions. You know, the oh my god, I really want to do that stuff, but I'm so busy. Okay, now we just look at your schedule. Where can we find pockets of time? Right? But the I don't of time and I could make time, but I really don't want to because it just resemble that I even have to do this stuff? Why could I be normal? That is like, I gotta sit my

feelings now and remind myself there is no normal. And sure there's plenty of people that jump out of bed, they make up pot of coffee, but I don't know their inner world, and if I had to switch places with them magically without knowing their inner world, I probably wouldn't take that risk, you know. And so that's where I'm at lately. Let's say all of January has every day has started with that kind of mad rush to the coffee pot, ignoring what I need to be doing,

and even most days not doing my usual. I have time, but I'm unwilling. And so as I'm saying this, I'm thinking, what a gift that our audio was a little weird for tomorrow that we had planned, and that I have to talk and do this episode. And I like doing these kind of episodes because I hope it's relatable, and I also never want this podcast tom off. As though I don't still experience anxiety or I don't still go

into my not helpful coping mechanisms. Obviously not trying to be a perfect person, I do think I have a lot of experience of anxiety, and I no longer believe I can't be helped because I was helped UM. But I also don't think even if a new anxiety symptom or situation happened my reaction, I don't think going forward in life could ever be UM, I can't be helped with that. It's it's just my brain has been rewired

that I just don't look at something that way. If it's happening to me, it's not unique because I am a human. In humans, we're complex, but we have a lot of the same issues. And so if I'm feeling a certain way, then a million people are and I'm sure there's something that can help me with it. And if I'm insisting that I'm so unique that I can't be helped. Well, then I better get myself to some kind of study where the scientists can poke and prod me and figure out why I'm the most unique person

who ever lived. And if I'm not willing to do that, then I know I'm just telling myself some bullshit. During the pandemic, again, we're still in one pandemic. I was noticing, and I know I've said this before, that people and people to me as the people I see on social media may not know any of them, but they there was a lot of anxiety. And but but there was seemed to be a lot of confusion about the anxiety. And you know, yeah, I know there's a pandemic, but

everybody's in the same boat. So why do I feel this way because you're in a pandemic. It doesn't matter if everyone's in the same boat. Everyone on the Titanic felt the same way when it was sinking. I don't think you could have been on that boat and went, oh my god, I'm terrified the boat is sinking. What do I have to be afraid about? This man's also on the boat and it's sinking. It's like, yes, you're all having a collective experience and everyone's feelings are completely valid.

Part of me thinks that's a great analogy and I should use that in the future, and the other half of me goes that that didn't really land the way you wanted it too. That sorry. But so I thought, well, maybe I can help people, and I told people to email me, and I've sent out this PDF file that I thought could at least be something that people can read to get the ball rolling. Of course, somebody said,

I have anxiety. Thought of getting something that's fifty two pages or linked to something that's fifty two pages overwhelming, And I was like, well, that's what you will have to be in charge of just opening and looking at one page a day. I can't. I can't help you there.

But there's always something right. So thousands of people emailed me to get this link to the pdf, and most people wrote a little note with their email, and most people were beating themselves up for even I don't normally need this, this is for someone else, or I used to have anxiety and I got rid of it, but it came back, which is not a thing. Um, you know, everything was blaming themselves and I was so I ended up putting things about perfectionism into this and so this

is what you know. Again, I am quoting what I've learned. I am not a doctor, but this is what people smarter than me have said about perfectionism. UM. And again this is from perfectionism and anxiety. What I'm reading from is from a website called very well mind dot com and this was updated UM on September and it was written by a woman named Katharina Starr, who is a PhD expert on anxiety and antic disorder. So what is perfectionism?

In basic terms, perfectionism is the desire to be perfect or flawless in various aspects of one's internal or external life. Perfectionism involves exceedingly high standards that one sets out to achieve and a belief that being perfect should be strived for. It is also thought to be an aspect of one's personality.

There are both positive and negative consequences of perfectionism. On the encouraging side, perfectionism can be a motivating factor in achieving your goals, practicing self improvement, giving tasks your best, and trying harder in future endeavors. People who use perfectionism in a positive way. Are often achievement focused and driven,

which can help in reaching many aspirations in life. But unfortunately, many people who strive for perfectionism often succumbed to a downside of this trait setting up standards that are extremely high, that are extremely rigid or impossible to achieve, and this ideal sets a person up for failure, disappointment, and negative self evaluations. Perfectionists are often very self critical and may even scrutinize the performance of others when it doesn't live

up to their unrealistic standards. That one does hit me in the gut. Perfectionists are also excessively concerned with how others view them, evaluating their own self worth by unattainable accomplishments. Some people become so overwhelmed with such stress and demands of perfectionism that they're unable to start a task. Fear of failure can lead to procrastination or never following through on what one sets out to achieve. Now that one I relate to, I will procrastinate and it will just

be like this. I call it the CNN news crawl in my brain all day long. You'd I meditate this morning? You didn't do your thing this morning. You should do your thing. It's gonna feel better. Do it tomorrow. Do it tomorrow, Okay, I start overmorrows. It's like again, as a therapist one said to me, if you didn't have that little mind worm, you kept thinking about what could you be thinking about? You know what? What pleasant thing

could you be thinking about? What creative project could you be kind of running through in your head while you're at the grocery store instead of thinking, I didn't do that thing this morning. It feels crappy. Okay, I'll do it Tomorrow'll start over tomorrow, you know, Or what feelings would you be feeling if you didn't have this thing, if you didn't procrastinate, which you know, in a way kind of serves you jen because then you get to think about it all day. And then when you're thinking

about all day, what feelings are you avoiding? Is there something in your life that's making you sad? But you feel like, hey, you know what, there's something I can do about it right now, So I never want to look at it, so, you know what's better? Just have that loop in my head. That's definitely a part of my anxiety. I just put everything under that umbrella of anxiety that I have to contend with almost failing. And the having to contend with part is simply be incompassionate

to myself and not allowing myself to run that loop. Okay, if I didn't do something that morning and simply I wasn't willing move on. If I want to start it up the next day, great, we'll deal with that when the next day comes. There there can be no mind loop of thinking about it all the time, right and also recognizing what is perfectionism and what is truly Oh,

I actually don't have the time. And so it's strange to me that perfectionism can can be defined in so many ways, and that the definition of perfectionism has one definition where it's a positive and the complete negative, which means someone can't even start a project. And so in my life, I just I just say type A and high achieving if I'm going to describe someone um or a moment I'm having where though I really want to do something right and I focus on it and I

get it done and it turns out great. And I had high standards, but they weren't unrealistic, and I met them at a moment of high achievement. Perfectionism I now only use in the pejorative Oh, I'm being too perfectionist about that, you know. I feel like if you said to half the people, are you a perfectionist? People would say, no,

I don't do anything right. It's like, oh, well, actually, you might be a perfectionist because you don't even start doing anything because in your head it's got to be perfect or go a certain way, or maybe there's just no interest in the journey of starting things for you. But I feel like what I find interesting in what I was reminded about when I pulled out all of my old anxiety books is perfectionism and the link to

panic disorder. Because I know we've talked a lot on this podcast about neuroscience and panic is when this happens in your body and too much cortisol and data, and then it gets into your physical and then your brain starts to go why you shallow breathing and it's and and honestly, the physical in the moment is one of the best things we can do to bring that panic down.

Regulate our our oxygen carbon dioxide, practicing as much wrangling of our thoughts as we cannot letting them go into this place that tells us we're dying, relaxing our muscles. But outside of the moment of panic, how can we take a look at why we might panic? And I think there's something, well, I didn't make this up. There's something to be said for can we look at the

unconscious things that were constantly thinking. So, if you're doing this to yourself all of the time and you don't know you're doing it, because it's literally you're subconscious, it's the CNN news crawl or pick your favorite news channel of the subconscious. It's just the anchor is on TV saying today we're going to have a rainstorm, but the crawl is saying fifty bombs one off in this country.

It's like two different things are being thrown at you, and most of us can only concentrate on what the anchor is saying to us. But that crawl is getting into our psyche somehow, and so I think of, well, what was that news crawl that was in the back of my head my whole life. And that's where therapy

can help in so many areas. If you've you know, whatever, from the most traumatic childhood to just negative thought patterns you picked up from whomever raised you, or people at school or teachers or society, whatever, but things you don't even know you're thinking, and so having unrealistic expectations about yourself, whether it's a little sense of grandiosity or that kind of self hating, like I want to be you know, I don't know the best piano player I can be,

but I never I never will. You know, nothing ever works out for me. It's like you can have an unrealistic expectation of I want to be the best piano player in the world. I mean that only one person can be that at a time, right, So if you're not, doesn't mean you suck, but that might be your thing. I want to be the best piano player in the world. Okay, unrealistic expectation. And then how are you talking to yourself

about that unrealistic expectation? Because I suck? Because this you know? So, according to this website verya Well in Mind, having unrealistic expectations about the self can contribute to increased feelings of anxiety, dissatisfaction, and difficulty coping with symptoms. And then, of course, if you're having a panic attack and you relate to the kind of perfectionist that cares what others think of you. You are not going to want your symptoms to show.

You're not going to want to look like you're hyperventilating or feeling feelings of unreality, maybe feeling a little dizzy or whatever, sweating, so you will try to cover it up, which is a form of denial, and it's going to lead to more panicking because it's a way to serve that part of your brain that that makes you feel alone and different. Now nobody else could understand this, nobody

else going through this. Thoughts of self blame have you believing that it's your own fault that you cannot achieve the standards you've set out for yourself. Negative thinking and perfectionism can complete yourself worth and make you feel unsuccessful. And so the big headlines that are recommended as obviously we need to overcome negative thoughts, practice mindfulness, improve our self esteem and reduce our stress. And I can link

to this article in the show notes as well. But I thought, I if that if this does anything for anyone, just sort of like a drill cuts through the dry wall that is preventing you from wanting to take any further action in alleviating some anxiety or panic symptoms. Maybe there's a little bit of perfectionism in there. I have to get it right the first time. I don't want to play around a different diagnosis. I you know, I don't want to have to work on breathing every day,

you know, all that kind of thing. But it's also just I look at it like, uh, my back went out over Christmas, and you know, I had moved to New York for a while for a job, so I wasn't in my normal swing of things like I am in Los Angeles when I'm you know, not at a job, and so I I do pilates classes on the reformer machine. It's really good for my back. I don't even have back problems, but I do if I don't stay active. And so I used to do reformer polates. It's the

I like that in walking. All other exercise cannot stand. Don't try to talk to me about peloton or soul cycle or fit or hit or what. I hate all that crap. So those are my two exercises. I love doing them, so it makes it easy to do them. But due to oh Macron and my schedule and where these classes were as opposed to where my offices and blah blah blah blah. I wasn't able to get to a normal schedule. I wasn't able to get to a

class in months. And then I'm sitting most of the day work where when I'm working for myself for working from home, I'm up, I'm down and walking around. But when you're sitting in a writer's room full of people, you can't be up and down and walking around, you know. And I wasn't taking the precautions of sitting in a proper way for back health. I you know, it wasn't

boosting myself with a bolster pillow. And then thirdly, when I went to visit my family over Christmas, the bedroom I slept in has a air mattress, and I'm the youngest so and everyone else my family is either elderly or they have real chronic back problems. So I'll take the hit and do the air mattress, and all of that combined, I had weakened my back muscles enough. All three of those things won the class neglect, the proper sitting neglect, and then the back support in the bed neglect.

I mean, I knew that was bad. For me, But I thought, that's four days, I'll be fine. Maybe it would have been fine if I'd had my other situations. They are supporting me. Oh, I've been to class every day. My core is strong. I you know, I been sitting properly. But I woke up this one morning and my lower back felt really stiff, and I thought it'll loosen up

throughout the day. And I bent down to pick up a piece of wood to help my elderly dad make a fire because his back actually hurts all the time. My back went out, and I mean out, I mean fall to the ground. Can't move, I can't. Everything was painful. I had to have my sister push me like I was a swiffer against a wall. And I found a chiropractor that makes house visits and I was able to have them do some physical therapy with me, and I

was semi walking again. But my point is all of that stuff I wasn't wasn't doing lad to my back going up. And that was a big thing that obviously anyone who's going to help you with your back will ask. They already know it's not just because you picked up a piece of wood, because if your back is that messed up. Uh, then we would have known that you can't pick up a piece of what it was, more like, what's been going on in the past few months, what's

been different? And so in terms of cognitive distortions and distorted thinking, it's those things we do that we don't even notice we're doing, and we don't realize how much it shapes how we think of ourselves if we do it every single day and then months and months go by and then boom, you're having a panic attack, which is, in my analogy, the equivalent of bending down to pick up a piece of wood and your back goes out. And and I've had therapists say to me, what was

the thought before you had the panic attack? And I know they love that one, and it's not an unhelpful or bad or wrong way to try to help someone with panic attacks, But it's not always the thought before. Sometimes the thought before you have a panic attack is something ridiculous, like, Wow, I'm in this elevator, I hope it doesn't get stuck. Boom, Now you're panicking. Oh boy, I'm at this rooftop party. I hope I don't fall off the roof. Boom, now you're having a panic attack.

But sometimes your thoughts are nothing there. I have to facts this. I don't know why I just said facts. Oh um, I mean where the matches. I'm gonna light a candle. You know, sometimes there's just nothing thoughts, And so I was always so frustrated with I don't know what the thought before was a lot of times it's nothing. A lot of times it's you know, oh, I'm gonna go put my socks on. The feed are called it's not it's not. I wasn't thinking something consciously right before

a panic attack. There's got to be more. I'm fine with admitting it's my thoughts. I'm fine with that, but I'm telling you this, the thought before thing ain't doing it for me. And what I remember had worked for me after I dug out my old copy of the Anxiety and Phobia work Book was that I got to reading about cognitive distortions and or otherwise known as distorted thinking. And there are actual ones that I will list now.

And these are things we do either subconsciously unconsciously, but definitely habitually, so that we're really good at thinking these thoughts. Were terrible at challenging them, and so all of those thoughts they start to add up, they start to add up, they weaken our resolve in a way, and boom, here comes from panic and anxiety. And I think that can be really challenging. I don't know how therapists do it to get people to see, no, no, no, it's not

just the stress you have about the pandemic. It this was in you all along. That was just the piece of wood that you picked up. That was the straw that broke the camel's back, the wood that made my

back off. But you've been practicing for this moment of suddenly having anxiety and panic your whole life with maybe some of these cognitive distortions that that seemed fine in the moment if you're where you're doing them, they even seem like, well, this is how I want to think, because if I don't, you know, I'm not going to get ahead in the world. And so one of them is all or nothing thinking, a tendency to view a situation is either all good or all bad. Over generalization.

If something bad happens once, the tendency to overgeneralize and even affirm that it will happen again and again. Filtering, focusing only on the negative details of a situation, but filtering out all positive aspects. If one person is cruel, the conclusion becomes that all people are cruel, disqualifying the positive. This is an extreme version of filtering to completely discount something positive and convert it into something negative, like that

was a fluke. It doesn't count. Jumping to conclusions assuming what someone else is thinking or feeling, or why they act the way they do before checking with the person about what's actually going on. Magnification blowing up or magnifying yours or someone else's minor limitations, or you minimize yours or others strengths emotional reasoning the fallacy that if something feels a certain way that it must actually be true. Feelings are mistaken for reality. If you feel stupid in

a situation, you think you're actually stupid. Should thinking, thinking should or have to is the tendency to be perfectionistic with no room for mistakes, and perfectionism is a personality type that perpetuates anxiety. Labeling that's an extreme version of over generalization. Making a simple mistake, and now you label

yourself a loser. Personalization the excessive tendency to take another person's words or actions highly personally or thinking that if something went wrong that it's all your fault when there

is no objective basis for any fault conclusion. So again, those are some examples of cognitive distortions that are pretty common and I'd say a lot of us do practice them often, you know, um all or nothing, thinking over generalization, filtering, disqualifying the positive, jumping to conclusions, magnification, emotional reasoning, should thinking, labeling, personalization. And again I highly recommend this. I got this from um Dr Edmund Bourne's book, The Anxiety and Phobio work Book.

Something that helps me and that helped me a lot. I know I mentioned gratitude list earlier. When I say a gratitude list, I don't mean that I sit there writing and then I feel the gratitude necessarily, so times they do. Just depends on the mood, you know. But I might write down things that I know I'm grateful for. It just it feels more intellectual than than anything. It doesn't feel like these big feelings exercise that I might make a list, you know, Today Tuesday, January, I'm grateful

for my health. Number two, I'm grateful for the cute pink chairs. In my kitchen, I mean anything, you know, Um, I'm grateful that my friend called me earlier or whatever it is. And what I like to do with my gratitude list is I just write down as many things and they can really be dumber, shallow. I'm grateful that my hair cuts good. You know, it's not like you have to be. You don't judge yourself when you make your gratitude list, like, oh, what are people going to

think if they find this, you know? And and I wrote I'm grateful for the pink chairs in my kitchen, and I didn't write I'm grateful for my mother and father. I'm grateful for the gifts of the universe, you know. I mean, you can put that too, but sometimes you're just grateful for the pink chairs in your living room.

And so what I like about having a gratitude list, it's actually journal I keep, is that on any given day when I catch myself telling myself some bullshit, some lies about how terrible I am or nothing works out for me, or how I should live in fear because bah bah blah blah bah, well I get to go back to this notebook of proof. Oh well, wait a minute, I have all these friends and I like something, you know,

like my furniture. I like this, I was able to do this blah blah blah that ended up working out. You just have all this proof that there's good stuff there, and you don't have to take anyone else's word for it. So I like to do things that help me listen to myself because sometimes we don't want to hear it from anyone else. So good make yourself a thing that you can go back in reference. And so that's why I'm a fan of writing affirmations on either post it

notes or index cards and just have them. You don't have to stick the post it note anywhere for people to see, but I like to put them on index cards and keep them in a pocket of my gratitude journal because sometimes when I'm just in it, and again, just like my guest John Most said last week, sometimes it's like, who cares if this is anxiety or depression. I need to do the things that I need to do to get this to lift, because this is just

so oppressive right now. And so when I'm telling myself some stories and I catch myself, I may go into some affirmations. Now, before you turn this off, and think if that's cheesy, don't I got you. We're not talking about cheesy affirmations two things. You can say them out loud if you just want to remember them in your head. But I try to do I try to give myself

a damn break. So if I know, look, I'm probably going to be in a bad mood at some point in the next I don't know, a week or six weeks, I'm probably gonna have a day where I'm just like, nothing works out for me. I hate everything. I don't want to do anything about it. My mind is probably not gonna go. Let's call up some affirmations. But if I think, well, I got those, uh, I got those index cards I wrote with affirmations in my gratitude journal. I could just read them at the very least gets

read them. Well, now you've you're reading something that you wrote in your own handwritting that you do believe. So it's an option. It's like leaving bread crumbs for yourself in the forest. Don't assume when you're lost in the woods that your brain is gonna be working well enough to get you back home. So I'm a big fan of affirmations, even though when I first started doing them,

I thought they were super cheesy. And yes, sometimes I do them out loud, sometimes in the mirror, mostly just outloud. But I am not a fan of quote positive thinking, you know, or affirmations that then we have to aspire to I'm going to make a million dollars. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about affirming the truth when my distortions are going cuckoo, when my distortions are telling me be afraid you will never make another dime again.

You know, an affirmation is I am okay today. It's not. You're gonna be a millionaire with my five simple affirmations. No, no, we're not going into fantasy. We're just going into reality, which is you have no proof of blah blah blah, all this horrible crap that's going to happen. So here are some affirmations. Some of them are just what you are doing, you know, you're talking about what your body is doing. And some of them are thoughts. And if you want to write these down on note cards, be

my guest. Slow my voice down on your favorite podcast apps so that it sounds like I'm drunk, so that you can write. But one of them my mind is clearing and I am in control. I feel anxious, but so what. I know what that feels like, and I'll get through it. Anxiety isn't dangerous. I'm just uncomfortable. I'll make it through this. It's only a thought, and a thought can be changed. I breathe in relaxation. I breathe out tension. The feelings of panic are leaving my body.

I choose my thoughts with care, and I am willing to change and grow. I am not limited by my past thinking. I've conquered every panic attack so far, and this one will be no different. Do not believe the things you tell yourself when you are sad and alone. It's okay not to feel okay. Take a deep breath. It's a bad day, not a bad life. Be someone you want to be around. Everything you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for. There are

good times and there are growth times. You don't have to do anything today about these feelings. If you don't transform your suffering, you'll transmit your suffering. Except what is. Let go of what was. People become attached to their burdens, sometimes more than their burdens are attached to them. Making mistakes is better than faking perfections. Don't stumble over something that's already behind you. What we think and feel is not always real. What is real is what we do.

Anything you can't control is teaching you how to let go. Just because your past didn't turn out like you wanted it too, it doesn't mean that your future can't be better than you ever imagined. If it feels like an emergency emotionally, it probably isn't. Don't act on it in the moment. I am not responsible for my first thought, but I am responsible for my second thought and my first action. There you go. I hope you enjoyed some

of those affirmations. I did not make those up. Some of them I did, a lot of them are from different books I've read or things friends have told me. I've got a lot of friends in all different kinds of therapies or twelve step programs, so you know, just lots of information that's been shared with me over the years. In the notes section of my iPhone, every time I hear a good quote, I write it down. But who

knows where they're from? Now they are yours as well as mine, and I hope you enjoyed the solo episode of Anxiety Bites. Um I came, I came to say what I came to say, and I think I did it. I just wanted to introduce the notion that as much as we talk about the physical and the brain on this show, there is also the secret, little emotional part of us that it's not not really willing to let go of our cognitive distortions, is not really wanting to do the work because ah, because we're not sure how

it's going to turn out. And in a weird way, we're comfortable where we are even though we don't like it. So I'll link to a few of the books I mentioned in the show notes. We'll be back next week with guests. We have a lot of good stuff coming

up this year on Anxiety Bites. There will be a few episodes in February that will focus on love, as it is the month of Valentine's say, but not in a way that will annoy you, in a way that hopefully will make you feel less alone if you are someone that just finds all of that stuff pretty elusive

and your anxiety gets in the way. Alrighty, and you know what I'm going to throw this out there because I was thinking, you know, some people have contacted me to tell me what they love about the podcast, and I almost read them on air, but I went, well, these people contacted me, Uh, you know I didn't. They didn't say whether I could read this on eric because it wasn't the official show email. So I'm going to throw this out there. Anxiety Bites Weekly at gmail dot com.

If you just want to write a letter that I read on air, what you like about the podcast. If you have any questions, I might do some solo episodes that are listener emails just so you can hear what other people go through if they If you want to give any tips that you want me to read out to people. If you have any questions for me, I'll

try to answer to the best of my ability. Um, if you're really suffering, just know that the question you're asking will not be answered via email by me, and it may not be answered anytime soon in an upcoming episode, but your question will serve as a template to help others. And uh, I will not be the ones checking the email. I want to be the one checking the email. So if you want to write you know I hate you. You suck or I want to marry you and something creepy.

Your wish will not be fulfilled of me ever seeing it. They'll be filtered out so that they are appropriate things that I read on air, And just please indicate whether you want your first name said or not. You can always use a fake name. As a rule, I would never say anyone's last name, and I would never say anyone's email address on air. So these will be things that I read and most likely will just say your first name, and if you don't want that, I'll just

say for anonymous. So there you go. Welcome to the email of Anxiety Bites. I've been a little nervous about putting an email address out there, but I think it's time that everyone who's listening to this that we all start to have a dialogue because I think some of those episodes could be really helpful. So again, Anxiety Bites weekly at gmail dot com, and thanks for listening. Everything is in the show notes, and remember Anxiety Bites, but

you're in control. For more podcasts from my Heart Radio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.