Are we? Is this where... Yeah, I think we're here. This looks pretty sketchy. Turn right into the parking lot. Then arrive at your destination. What? What do you see? The license plate says Ferret. What? What? What are you pointing at? Oh my god, that license plate says I love my ferrets.
It's happening. My people. Okay, let's go check in. I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm a middle-aged man. My life is dull and soft. I'm basically a human butter knife. But there's one thing that instantly fills me with joy. Gidee's squeaky childlike joy. We found my people. They're loading up a cart full of like ferret products. From The New York Times, I'm saying Anderson. This is Animal. Episode 4, Ferrets.
How many ferrets were in that van? I saw it. It's August. And I've just arrived with my colleague, Crystal DuHame, in Columbus, Ohio, which at this moment happens to be the most ferrety place in America. I'll be more comfortable around. I came from Minnesota. Because ferret enthusiasts from all over the country are pouring in for one of the major stops on the national ferret circuit.
A competition called the Ferret Buckeye Bash. Basically, imagine the prestige of the Westminster dog show. But instead of beagles and pomeranians, it's just hundreds of ferrets. I'm sorry. This is a rolling tower of ferrets. As we're standing in the lobby of the official competition hotel, a woman walks in rolling a luggage cart stacked with cages.
We're just pouring here, two and here, three and there. There's brown ferrets, albino ferrets, ferrets lounging around in miniature hammocks, and snuggled up in comfy little beds. This is Phineas Weaselton. He's really long. Did you say Phineas Weaselton? Yeah. And before I know it, I'm helping her and her ferret friends unload. A ferret, for anyone who doesn't know, is basically a weasel. It's long and tubular, sort of like a badger crossed with a snake, but also crossed with a teddy bear.
What am I seeing in the cage that these ferrets are eating? I don't really know. I mean, raw meat. Well, this is salad and two. He's over here a bit. Some of the cages we're unloading are littered with bones and carcasses of like, whole dead birds. Why is the spirit bald? They have a adrenal disease, which is common, especially in marital ferrets. This might be the place to mention that ferrets can be pretty polarizing pets.
People who love them, like me, really love them. And people who don't love them, which is probably most of humanity, really do not love them. Wait, what happens if I put my fingers on that bottom cage? I think we'll probably fight you. Yeah, to the bone. To the bone. What? What? The word ferret comes from the Latin for little thief. They were domesticated basically yesterday, historically speaking, around 2500 years ago. Just for reference, dogs were domesticated more like 20,000 years ago.
In ferrets were mainly used to hunt rodents and rabbits. They have sharp claws and oily fur and glands that make them smell weird and also extremely strong jaws, which they are not at all afraid to use. In fact, this is part of why ferrets are actually illegal to keep his pets in a couple of states. But in spite of all that, I have loved ferrets my whole life. As a kid growing up in Oregon, I desperately wanted one. They were at all the pet stores I went to.
And I'd go running past the gerbels and hamsters and parakeets and just stand there with the ferrets, communing for as long as I could, letting them bite my fingers through the cage. But I was never allowed to take one home. And here's the thing, unfulfilled childhood dreams. They don't just die. Like, I might go home this weekend with some ferrets. They follow you around and scratch at you and burrow a hole deep into your heart. You guys are out. Hey, how are you? Are you guys checking in?
Yeah. Which is why I've come all the way here to the official hotel of the ferret buckeye batch. You guys have to be careful. Because this hotel is filling up fast with chaotic ferrets and ferret people. One of whom has agreed to help fulfill my childhood dream by initiating me into the ferret lifestyle. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. This is Millie, Mildred. I want to give this lady. But the first ferret we meet is actually a large dog.
I'm sorry. Yeah. I adjusted up in her own Tuesday. So we're still kind of getting to know each other. Whoa. Yeah. Hi. I'm Erin. Erin Irman just drove here from upstate New York. Many hours in her tiny car with not only Millie, her newly adopted dog, but also her friend Karen. And of course, her ferrets whose cages are now wedged around the room. There's one by the microwave, one by the coffee maker. Well, should we meet some buddies? Yeah, you can.
This is Erin's first time competing in the Buckeye Bash. Yes, this is Genesis. Genesis looks exactly like the ferret of my childhood dreams. But she's gorgeous, right? Yeah. What's the needy? Actually, you want to hold her? Hold. Nice, me. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet ferret. She's so slithery. You know that classic thing they do in movies when they want to show something is beautiful? The shaft of heavenly light pouring down angel choir singing.
Well, a majestic heavenly light is not worthy of Genesis. If you really wanted to signify these spectacular otherworldly beauty of Genesis, you'd have to make a shaft of little Genesis pouring down for the sky. Genesis is really checking me out. I'm really being stared at. She is probably my favorite. She don't tell the others. Oh, okay. Genesis is also the key to Erin's ferret future, because Erin wants to breed ferrets.
So if I could have like just a whole line of ferrets that have her temperament and her structure, I'd be very happy with that. She is such a sweet face. Oh, no. So is she your big hope for the competition, Genesis? For him, he's just going to show because he's going to show. This is when we turn our attention to the other competitor in the room. This is those very... He is a striker. The Yen to Genesis is Yeng. He's torn in large. Yeah, who's the goose?
This ferret is light brown and weirdly small. But he's still a dude with eyes. And where Genesis is calm and thoughtful and seems to be reciting poetry in her mind, Gooseberry is an absolute freak. He's trying. He's trying and darned us to get out. He won't stop moving, thrashing around its circles, biting the bars of his cage. What are you doing, crazy? What are you doing with your claws? Gooseberry is of Hungarian descent.
And at six months old, he's technically an adolescent hob, or in human terms, a teenaged male. Wow. Uh-huh. You got me, good. You are nut. What? Did he try to take the plate out of the mic? He grabbed the mic with his paw. Mine. What kind of animal acts like this? A ferret. As Gooseberry works on destroying his cage, there's a knock on the door. This is just catwalks everywhere. Sorry, we'll be playing the game. Hi, little frog. Little pigs, some cute babies, paper. One, two, three.
It's a ferret delivery. I had no idea you could get a ferret delivered like a pizza. I need a more, I'll help you get this. Okay. So this is the first time I'm meeting this guy. Oh my gosh. Hey, buddy. Oh, you have a pretty head. Yes, you do. Why is it beauty? He is a beauty, right? Yeah. Oh, gentle, very nice. Very sweet boy. He's biting you sweetly? Yeah. Why are you in the ferrets? When did you first encounter a ferret? Um, okay. So I grew up in California and they're not legal there.
So I didn't actually come into contact with a ferret until I was an adult and moved out of California. I didn't hold one until 2019. And the first one I held was Mr. Groot Groot and I had to have him. As soon as I held him, I just kind of knew that's what I wanted. That's... I don't know how else to explain it. Some people say that there's like a dog shaped hole in their heart or a cat shaped hole. So I guess it would be like a ferret shaped hole. A ferret would get right into that hole.
Exactly. I also have a ferret shaped hole in my heart. My childhood was kind of chaotic. There was a divorce and a bunch of step parents. And we always seem to be moving, including a big move from Oregon to California, where ferrets are illegal. And so every summer when I'd go back up to Oregon to live with my dad, I would see the ferrets in the pet stores and I would beg him to get me one. And he would say, no. And in my little tiny child mind, everything would have been fine.
If I could have just had a pet ferret. I think they're grounding for me. Grounding. Which is ironic because they're very crazy, right? They're kind of off the wall. But it's like you really have to be there with them in the moment. Yeah, you have to be in the moment. Yeah, they're very in the present moment. I do have a hard time being in the moment myself. Like I'm usually thinking about either the past or the future and I miss the moment. But not with them.
You have to be in the moment with them. They demand it. So he's being silly as I turned himself upside down and bit the bar. It's like hanging upside down from it. A ferret is a paradox. It's so chaotic that it wraps all the way around into zen. Absolute chaos forces absolute presence. And so tomorrow when I am immersed in hundreds of squiggly wiggly ferrets at this show, I'm going to be so free in prison. I might be fully in the moment for the first time in my whole life.
All right, we should let everyone get to bed. Thank you so much for letting us hang in the hotel room. And who knows what could happen then. I have to figure out how to get eight ferrets sleeping in hammocks onto the airplane home and a bunch of dead birds for them to snack on. The news rings for coffee. It's good. You break the sandwich too. Aaron, how do you not have a ferret vanity license plate? I really, if I get a SUV or a wagon, I want to call it the Wusel wagon.
And like have that on the back of it as a decal and then like Wusel one as the license plate. The next morning we meet Aaron in a parking lot at the Ohio State Fairgrounds. Oh, I just noticed your earrings. Those are great. Aaron is all decked out in ferret gear. Earing's t-shirt, purple ferret boots. Hey Genesis, today's your big day. It's the day where you win. Genesis is looking glorious. Yeah, she likes even prettier this morning than she did last long. Say you can see her in the full light.
Yeah, really. What a kind of clean and perfect she is. Gooseberry, you, is also there. I can't even talk to you. He loves you. He's not even fighting. I know. He's very calm this morning. He's in a game shape. Yeah. Oh, no, there he goes. Oh, yeah, that's going to happen. There he goes. All right, let's get us checked in. We are a real parade of animals heading toward the hall. Aaron carries Gooseberry, I carry Genesis, and Aaron's friend Karen is walking milley the dog. How are you?
Are we going in that way? That way. But it turns out we're actually too many animals. You know, no animals are allowed in here. Dogs are allowed in. No dogs are allowed in. Oh, that's pretty obvious. You can't have a dog in the Sparrow Show hall. Sorry. What are you going to do with them then? The woman in charge of the Ferris Show, Scarlet, is saying that milley has to go. That will set all the Ferris Show. Okay, we don't want them biting the gun.
And as we're standing there clutching our animals, you can go. The line behind us starts to back up. Do you know how many Ferris in there don't need to know what a dog is? And you know how good their smelling is? And I am finding this extremely stressful. So it sets them off. You made me even do it. I'll do it. This is your gig. This is what you do. That's when Aaron's friend Karen, very stoically, announces that she is going to walk milley. Back to the hotel.
Nine miles. Halfway across Columbus, Ohio. With this dog, she just met. And she takes the leash and just heads off. Okay, where are we? Where did you say we were? Jamie's leg. I'm over somewhere. So with the dog gone. And feeling slightly shell-shocked, we are finally allowed to enter the hall. Where we meet up with some of Aaron's Ferret friends. This is Roy. Hello. Nice to meet you guys. Hi, I'm Crystal. Did you feel bad at all about getting yelled at by Scarlett when you were in the door?
No. Because I have no idea what's going on. Everybody will be yelled at by Scarlett. Everybody. Yeah, it's like a, it's just a thing. It's way your turn. So she's famous for this? Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's really nice. She's just very impressive. She's just very impressive. Yeah. You just kind of have to take it and like keep going. Yeah. That's kind of perfect because like fair owners are the people who could do that the best, right? Yeah. They actually all take it very well.
Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I just nod and smile. Because like I really don't know what the hell is going on. So, yeah. You seem, I have to say, you seem comfortable existing like in a level of sort of chaos. I do? Yeah. Oh. You seem chill and stuff's going on all around you. Don't quite know what's going on. Probably because I took my anxiety meds today. So that's good. Okay. You know, I take Lexal Pro. So it's like, yeah. Yeah, yes. I had that get my increase recently actually. So I'm good now.
I'm good now. How many milligrams are you talking? A 20 milligram. Okay, I'm on 10. Good. Good times. Yeah, you do seem very chill though. Like, again, yell that about your dog. You're funny. It is what it is. She's yelling at us about the line. Nobody's going ahead of us. It's fine. I think that as a good older, I just care less. So that has something to do with it. There is that about getting older that I like. Yeah. I felt that in my 30s for sure. Yeah, just kind of.
Okay. Now I'm in my 40s and I'm like hardly even present on this earth. It's like a floating consciousness. Yeah. Unaffected by everything around me. So, okay, what's the plan now? I don't know. I don't, I think they start judging at 10. Oh, really? I think so. Probably way. Oh, a schedule. Okay. There are so many ferret categories. Just blizzards of categories and subcategories. But there's really only one that matters to us. The big one that Genesis will compete in. Breeder. Breeder.
That's her. Three to six. Three to six. It's going to be a long day. I know. Which means I have approximately seven hours to marinate in ferrets and try out the whole ferret lifestyle. So we're just walking around kind of getting the scene and interviewing. Hey, how's it going? Good. How are you doing? And as I start talking to ferret owners. Is it like about a ferret? Or something that like appealed to you? What becomes clear is that. You're like, oh, these are kind of my people.
Ferret people are their own special breed. It's always good to get together with a group of ferret people. And everybody is so kind. Anyone can own a cat or a dog. She has ferrets on her shoe. She's got so many ferret pins on her hat. But ferret owners take things to a whole different level. I've had ferrets since 97. 86. I was my first ferret in 1982. And then after that, I got more, of course, because there's ferret math as you can ask any of these guys. You start out with one.
You'll end up with many. I came home with 27 ferrets. When I was only going to go home with three. Yeah. 20. That's low for me. I'm very lucky. You and the fun to play with. He just came up to me and he was just loving and just really cute. I started playing with musky for 10 minutes and I absolutely fell in love. The love ferret people have for their ferrets. I love my little golden nuggets. It is a special love that can lead to some pretty wild situations. I set up a baby pool.
Like, filling a pool with cool wind. And the next thing you know, we had ferrets go. And there's cool wind. Of course, some of them just lit. But after a while, you've seen them coming up through the cool wind and down through the cool wind. It was chaos. It was absolutely chaos. So are you all judges? Yeah. We're board members, past presidents. She's current treacher and I'm in charge of shoes. At one end of the hall, up on a stage, sit to official looking women. Sally Heber and Vicki McKimmy.
And today you're judging. Yeah, we're judging. Yeah. They've been working together in the ferret world since the 1990s. And their official duties have taken them all over the place. Japan, Australia, Germany. Flight's paid. Hotel's paid. The facts in Japan set up their organization. Sally and Vicki helped establish the American Ferret Association's official judging criteria. We wrote the standard in a perspective of what did nature mean it to be. And it gets pretty detailed.
So what we're looking for is. They're looking at every little bit from snout to tail. Structure of the ferret. So we're actually feeling all the bones. And then we go into the muscle mass. This is very important. Hundreds of ferrets will pass through the expert hands of Sally and Vicki today. Including errands ferrets, Genesis and Gooseberry. What's the rules on biting? Dequeued. Disqualified.
If they punctured raw blood, they're out of here for all three judges, regardless if they're the other judges of seen them or not. This is a long day for you. A long, long, focused days of exhausting. Absolutely. What the hotel closes at nine. I'm going to be back there. I think it's back in the hot place. Cole and me. Yes. All right, we'll have fun. Judges to the stage. We do this as a line of showing you. You've never been here before.
So therefore, the judges do not know who's bringing their ferrets up to be seen. And then Genesis was up. I have no idea. Yeah, because they're running behind. So I don't even know anymore. I am a little concerned because I have an appointment to get to at 7.30 today. So I don't know what I'm going to do. At what time? 7.30? Yeah. And Gooseberry. In the middle of all this, Aaron tells me that she has decided to buy a car today. I acquired another ferret while I was here.
So. And then I was thinking to myself, where is it going to go? I didn't thought that far. To be honest with you. And that's a little embarrassing. But you figured it out. And you had not planned this when you left New York. No. It was, I mean, it was, it was on the back of my mind. My car is almost old enough to vote. And as a giant rustle in the side, and I still cannot bring myself to buy a new one. What kind of car are you getting? It's a Honda Santa Faye Sport 2013.
This has already been by far the most ferretty day of my life. And yet, as the hours crawl by, one, go! It keeps getting exponentially more ferretty. We watch a two brace. It's going backwards. And then in Elvis contest. Well, they're weighing to see you as the fattest ferret. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. And then we peruse the infinite merch tables. You're gonna buy any merch? You see so many t-shirts to choose from. I'm definitely gonna buy a shirt.
I think I'm gonna buy the introverted but willing to discuss ferrets. There's a black shirt that says ferret hair. Don't care. It's covered with little white lines that looks like actual ferret hair. There's another shirt that says, unless you're a ferret, please get away from me. That's the one you should get revenge of the ferret. By late afternoon. They're looking for reader pops. Things are so far behind schedule that the schedule might as well not have existed.
And I've reached a point I didn't think was possible. I feel like I'm going ferret blind. Like I can't see ferrets anymore. I've seen so many ferrets. That's a lot. I've maybe had my fill of ferrets. But that doesn't stop Aaron from trying to sell me one of her future ferret babies. So you're ready now? Maybe. Maybe next season. Yeah, I'm scared to get a ferret. Why? Maybe I'm not up to it. All the energy it takes and all the like...
Because I get like, you know, anxious and like overwhelmed and like depressed. And then what if, and then this ferret means me in the morning. So I get anxious and overwhelmed and depressed too. And they help. Remember we take the same pills. Yeah. It's different dosage. And the way that you handle and you look at Genesis. I think you'd be a good ferret dad if you wanted. But now if you get one, you know, you got to get three. Three is the magic number. I think two was kind of the magic number.
No, because two is harder because then they'll bond together maybe. And then if one of them dies, the other one gets really sad. And then it dies shortly thereafter. So if you have three, it's just a better life. Huh. Yeah, I would say three. At three is like having one, but better. It's like we're ready for the rear jails. It's time. Is it time? Three or a jails? Finally, it's time for Genesis to be crowned the greatest ferret ever to live on planet Earth.
We head to the stage where Sally and Vicki are working their way down the line. Number three, six, thirteen. Hey, kitty. And then they get to Genesis. Here goes our girl. She's a little squirmy. She's got a giggle. I don't know if that's good or bad. Easy, easy, easy. Don't get all excited. It's all fine and good. It's like a morocca portion of the judging and a rubber duck portion. I can't get any squeaky. She responded well to the duck. It's just like silk. I know our fur is gorgeous.
As we wait for the scores to be tallied, for the finalists to be called up. Aaron is over there getting all packed up. I see Aaron leaving the hall. Yeah, there she goes. She's coming back after she gets her new car. It's the plan. This means I am in charge now. We are ready for callbacks for Greer. 501, 503, 506, 507. 501, 503, 506, 507. I'm standing clenching my sweaty fists as the announcer calls back all the ferrets that have placed in Genesis' category.
Genesis' number is 613. 609, 611, and 612. But they never call it. Genesis wins nothing. Yeah, I feel too blasted to talk to anybody. And I actually feel crushed. I got all swept up in the rush of competition. And now my nervous system feels like a dirtial rung out sponge. By this point, we've been here almost 12 hours. Things are running so late that the guy who rented out the hall is standing in the doorway looking furious with his keys in his hand.
The vendors and breeders are all scrambling, packing their merch and breaking down tables. One of the winning ferrets gets her foot stuck in the trophy. And the whole thing is ending in a crescendo of Barrett Chaos. Ready, we gotta lose, Barrett. Did somebody take it up? Yes. But someone needs to identify it. And yet, somehow, there is still one last category left to judge. It's called Passport for ferrets with foreign ancestry, which means gooseberry.
Our Hungarian ferret will be the last chance to win anything. But Aaron is still gone. It's just me and Goose. And I really want the two of us to get a win. So I open his carrier. I look at him and he looks at me. Then he pops right out and nestles into my hands like he belongs there. Like he's been custom-shaped to fit my grip. How's it going? Good. He's pretty chill. He's interested in my beard. It's definitely going to shoot out of my hands in a second here. Ow. Fit my arm.
Vicki beckons us up to her table. She twists and turns gooseberry in her hands. She looks in his mouth and his ears. And he doesn't bite her or claw her. For once, he's actually a good boy. And then very matter of fact, she hands him back to me. Like he's my ferret. There's an attic, because we always meant to do something. It's pretty big. And what if he was? Maybe a really good place for a ferret. Two or three ferrets. They could really run around. How's their own space?
They wouldn't smell up the rest of the house. In eighth place, it's nine to five. Vicki starts calling out the winners. Countdown style. It's 405. Sixth place is nine to four. Fifth place is one and one. It's happening. Fourth place is nine I want. That will be cram right now. That's the thing. Third place is nine and nine. Okay. You look big. Can I see one and one and nine? Sam has to show gooseberry again to break a tie. Two little pair of hearts. Two, two. Second place goes to one and nine.
And first place is two. What do I say? Second place. In the final competition of the Buckeye Bash, gooseberry, the world's most ferret-y ferret, has one second place. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, buddy. I got to get some to make sure. I pick up my triumphant green ribbon. In gooseberry and I get our official Buckeye Bash photo. Congratulations, guys. All right. Thank you. Cool. Congratulations. Thank you. We did it, buddy. I told you we'd do it. I told you coming into today.
You were a star in a champion. Is Erin coming back? Just then, Erin texted us a photo of her new car. A brown Hyundai with a giant yellow photo on it. It's big enough to fit her dog, her friend Karen, and all of her ferrets. At least for now. This guy got a second place. And we text her back a photo of me with my ribbon holding goose, looking almost terrifyingly happy. Have a great evening.
She says she'll be wrapped up with paperwork for a while and asks if I will take the ferrets back to the hotel. Which, of course, I'd love nothing more. Second place. Yeah, we do. Holy crap. Look at you. When we meet Erin, I tell her everything. So that's all your ribbons. I have my ribbons. Yeah, I was going to say you're going to get that one out. And then I reluctantly surrender my ribbon, which I was hoping she would let me keep. Thank you. Thank you for doing that for being there.
What is that? He's tired of hungry. We all say goodbye. And when I leave, my ferrets stay behind. This episode was produced by Crystal DuHame and Larissa Anderson, with help from Caitlin Roberts. It was reported by me, Sam Anderson, and edited by Wendy Dorr and Larissa Anderson. It was engineered by Marion Lasano. Our executive producer is Paula Schumann, original music by Marion Lasano, Dan Powell, and Alicia B. E. Toup, fact checking by Caitlin Love.
Special thanks to Jake Silverstein, Sasha Weiss, and Sam Dalnick. Also to all the ferret people who showed me their ways, Scarlet Grace Sailing, Sally Heber, Vicki McKimmy, and all the many others I met at the bash, and at the hotel bar, who told me that ferrets don't actually smell that bad, and I should just get one. Erin Irman now runs Sugar and Spice Ferretry, and I am happy to report that last summer, Genesis gave birth to a litter of 10 gorgeous kits. The father was Gooseberry.
You can listen to all of our episodes wherever you get podcasts, or visit our website at nytimes.com slash animal. I'm Sam Anderson. Thanks for listening.