Episode 268: Love Yourself, First (Feat. Stephanie Santiago)

it nine UM. And also I've been cast it on season two of Beyond the Pole on we TV UM we do You coronavirus special that we'll be airing any day now. It's a ninety minute one episode special called UM living in Living in Lockdown or on lockdo UM, and season two is gonna start whenever they give us a green light. It was supposed to start in August and here we are down in September and we haven't started yet. So as soon as the network can figure out what's going on with UM production and this whole

COVID situation, then we will start filming. And that's what will be occupying my time? So you'll be on the series. Yes, I am officially a cast member of Seasons who beyond the whole Look, we're not even doing Toast? Why not should? I'm so happy I'm get from the bottom. What congatulations? G you have you been dating at all? I have been dating. I'm single with a whole bunch of boyfriends and no real relationship. Okay, nobody that you feel like

you could lock down with. I don't want to down. Okay, now I'll tell you you you know I want. I want my freedom right now. Maybe eventually, but right now I'm just enjoying the freedom. Okay, I Larry, Yeah, let's check in with you. Well, y'all know, um I talk about it before another the episode. I've been working from home just like you, ye, and just focusing on my morning show. We're doing good. We um. We hit a number one and a few of the markets were in

so that's really good. Bully and the Beast podcast is doing amazing ever since quarantine. Right now, I'm in l A. So I don't think I'm just in a hotel because I'm sucking. Um. I needed very can tell that's a hotel. But it looks like a hotel to me. But I took a little vacation. I'm in l A. I needed to clear my mind a little bit. And um, yeah, as far as dating, I'm definitely dating. I'm having fun and I'm happy. So you know, if y'all have sex, you have to have sex with the mask on. I'm

not popping my pussy just yet. I'm just you know, I'm still holding that part down. So uh, you gotta do a lot to get some poom poom. But that's it, like you know, And I told y'all I was starting to work on music sick again, So that's that's good for me. It's more of like, ah, I'm not taking it as like a job like I was before, more like a hobby something that it's fun to me and I like to do. So that's cool. And we gotta finish that lip service team Timmy was talking about. Yes,

we're working on that. I actually spoke a black youngster because I remember he said he was gonna give us yeah exactly, so we're still gonna do that. I spoke to him about it. So we will be knocking that out very soon. And I'm ready to get back to work. So we need a cure that y'all could all take. Because I'm not taking a vaccine. I just want to make sure we're supposed to take it. I don't think so I could come outside. I don't want to take a vaccine. You know. I'm sorry now on my nose.

I feel like I've been I had to do that a few times. How was it she was talking about another thing being stuck up her nose? What's not in? I don't know what you do? Break my question, Sorr. Yeah, I'll send you. I've seen go now right. You always say that you don't mind having sets with the ex is because and it's not a new number for you, it's not a new notch off the table. Yeah, that's

off the table. Like and even like being in l A. There's like a couple of guys that I did before and it's like, oh, I see you're out here, and I'm like, oh yeah, Like I'm not. I'm off the whole EXX wave. Like I don't even speak to my X anymore at all. Like I'm good, Like I don't want no exits even around. I'm claiming it's extra money all right now. Stefanie listen. I'm happy to have you here because I know that you've been having a journey to go through on your own, and you know we

support you as your sisters here on lip Service. So we did notice like the last couple of the times that you were on things were a bit off, like distracted. So I wanted you to be able to have the floor right now to just kind of talk about some things that you've been going through. Okay, to start off, I'm doing earning well right now. Thank you God, and thank you for everyone who's supports me and that I appreciate it. But um so since quarantine, I was, UM,

I had a really bad drug problem. I was popping a lot of pills. I was doing xanax, perkasats of baked Vikadin's. UM I was just doing a lot of drugs because I had a lot of time I was in the house, So I was doing a lot of drugs and I ended up really um messing up my health. I was really sick, and um I decided to go on a fath journey and I got baptized and UM I went to a holistic doctor and they looked me

in my eyes. I didn't tell them what I was doing, and they said, you have a drug addiction and if you don't stop, you're gonna die, and within the next fifteen years. So I'm in my thirties. That's not a long time. That's that's too that's too young to die. So I decided to do the withdraw all that home by myself. And I've been cleaned for about seven weeks now. I haven't done any drugs, so you know, I'm feeling really healthy. Um, I'm feeling like I'm able to travel again.

And like lor Rielle said, I'm I'm I'm planning on going to l A. And I got a lot of things to work on in l A. I didn't feel healthy enough. I was scared to leave New York and New Jersey because I was worried about where I was gonna get my drugs. But everything, you know, came in order. The withdrawals were really hard, and I did it by myself. I got and you know, it was the probably the worst experience I've ever experienced in my entire life. It was more painful than giving birth to a baby. And

it lasted for hellng. The withdrawal lasted about two weeks like for it to be completely gone. The worst was the first five days and then you know, I felt better after are like two weeks, but it really ruined, like hercocets really ruined my stomach, Like my stomach was so bad. I had to go to the doctor because I thought I was done for me. I thought I gave myself at the disease, and they just so, you know, you gotta get off of pain killers. You're not in pain,

so you gotta get off of pain killers. And I'm like, I'm already off of them, and they're like, okay, so now it's time to heal. So I've been healing, and you know, I've been really deep in my faith. I know that's not the most interesting thing to talk about on the service, but I think it's somebody. It's it's something that people should know. You know, you like you can overcome addiction. You can you you can be strong enough on your own. I didn't have any friends here

helping me. I did it all by myself, even though that's dangerous and you should have someone there to take care of you and support you. But you know, I had my mom on the phone and my sister on the phone, and they weren't around to be here for me, but was able to do it by myself. And I'm just very grateful that I caught myself before I got worse. I have been doing I have been doing the pill since November, and then I got really bad during quarantine.

Now I'm completely sober. Do be smoking weed like twice a day? Though? What made you did? What made you even started taking pills? What? Okay, that's a good question. And we made start taking pills as I was going through two breakups at the same time. So last year, I don't know people, if you, if you follow me, my friends know, I was engaged to a Puerto Rican guy. I remember, so um I left him to go be with the guy that I've been with for a couple of years. Remember that, And of course me and him

broke up again. And you know what, I was just like, you know what, I'm checking out. That's it. I want to check out. So when right before the pandemic hit, I sent them boat to hell I and I decided to just knock up on drugs. I stocked up on toil, paper, um, water and percocets. It was like taking them yourself from Yeah, I just wanted to check out. I just wanted to sleep, like like I will wake up and be like okay, going back to sleep, like I mean I was up to.

I was up to like taking sixteen percocets a day stuff, you know what I mean. And I was even doing when I did Xanax. It wouldn't work for me because my body was so immune to it. I was taking like four bars a day whenever I did that, I just so I could go to sleep, and I was waking up really sick. I was waking up like uh, Papa, taking more pills. So you know, I'm not gonna lie.

I probably would have continue to take pills, like wean myself off of this one and start another one and then wean myself over that one, like we I will wean myself off as of a xanax to take percocets, and then I will I would try Perkess. It's it's it's the worst with draws ever, like where you know xanax, we can get off of them, you get a little shaky, but Percocess makes you sick like a Heroin at it.

It is Heroin. It's like Heroin and pilform. So that was the worst, Like I would weave myself up with the zannis and I started taking percoceses, percuss, perkos, perkases. It was my favorite, even though I've always hated it the first time, as that Perks said, I was a kid and I never liked it. I don't know what made me. I do know what made me do it. The um I started talking to a guy. I never

had sex with him. I started talking to this guy and he was like, oh, no, you shouldn't take zannas, you should just take percocets, right, So I was like okay, And then I got really addicted to the percoseys, Like I don't even think I've ever been as addicted to I was abusing Xanax, but I don't think I was as addicted to it as I was a percocets. You know,

I was telling you earlier. I think it is so important that people that you surround yourself with two because those influences on you can be really positive or negative. You know, for somebody to tell you don't do that, it's just take these precos ats like that, somebody that cares about your fine, it's like worse or whatever. They came step what was your turning point when you just knew, like, I can't do this anymore. It's it's coming too much. When the holistics doctor told me I was gonna die

because listen, this is the truth. My mother has a drug problem. She's been doing drugs for thirty years. He told me, listen, your mother could do all the drugs she wants and lived to a hundred. You are not gonna live past forty five. That's like tomorrow, right fast years ago by, and I'm I'm planning. I'm still looking good at forty five. What like, I don't want to I don't want to die. And then I lost I

mean taking purpose. As I lost like thirty pounds. I was getting really skinny, and everybody he was noticing it. And I don't really care about what people think because I like being skinny. Yeah, I thought you wanted to be skinny. When after that, before he skinny and you'll stop eating. So you know, I didn't know myself so I could. But then I noticed that I was getting skinny, Like I was looking at myself like, oh ship, I don't got no legs, like what about my legs? My legs?

Talking about what about my legs. What was that about the other side effects? And now you said, yes, stomach was really messed up. Um, the side effects of withdraw no like before that, you know, while you were on the job, I was really constipated. I was really I had a bad attitude. I was treating people bad. Another side effect of it, it was making me a little depressed. Like I would wake up crying for my dreams. I wouldn't even remember the dreams, so I was crying. That's

that's a sign of depression. It was just it was ever. It didn't do anything good for me. The only thing good it did for me was let me sleep m and for And to be honest, I've been clean for over a month and I sleep like a baby now, Like I I sleep so much better. Like even before I go to sleep, I don't smoke weed because I'm

scared that it's gonna give me anxiety. And I just go to sleep without smoking in the nighttime, Like if I smoke too late, I know I'm gonna stay until three o'clock in the morning, because I it doesn't put me to sleep. Like just being natural drinking, like just drinking some water or drinking a tea before I go to sleep, I'm not right out, you know, And I wanted them to talk about this on lip service because I'm not ashamed of it at all. I'm not embarrassed.

I feel like it's something that should be spoken about because there's a lot of people out there doing pills, and you know, they wrap about it and they think it's okay, and you know, whatever floats your boat. I'm not judging anyone. I'm not judging anyone for their habits, but you know it's not good for you. Like enough other thing. They told me, it's God for a bid

if I got into an accident. You know, none of the painkiller drugs will work on me if I had to go into the emergency thirdary or something like that. So I I mean, I don't think I'm gonna get into an accident, God forbid, but you know, you never know what's gonna happen. And that scared me a lot too, you know what I mean. Did you ever feel like you took too many pills and like maybe at one point, you know, you were scared, like to even go to

sleep or anything like that. Because I know there's people that they do take a lot of pills. Too, and it's like, you know, was that fear ever in your mind? Like I might not wake up? That's a good question too at one time, because it's one thing getting your drugs from the pharmacy, and it's a whole other thing getting them from the street, you know what it is.

One time I had gotten some xanax and they looked a little funny, and um, I took them and they made me crazy, like I was walking into walls and falling on the floor and everything. And I ended up buying a drug tests from the pharmacy and I tested the drug. It was fencing al and the drug it was so you know, if you wouldn't put too much at that, they could have killed you. A lot died. I would have died. And that's exactly what they told me.

They said that what's gonna happen is one day I'm gonna take a pill and I'm gonna knock the wake up. And that is crazy that No, I not really bought it. I got it. I got the drug tests in my cabinet because I bought the wrong one. First. It was just like weed and you know, regular drugs, and I was like, oh no, this isn't the right one, So

I had to go and buy the one. It's like thirty different drugs they tested, they test for so whatever, I boiled up some water, I let the pill, you know, I let the pill this like, I let the pill sick water, and then I poured it into the cup and it was spence on al inside of the pill with the street zan acs. I bought them up the street. They were blew So did you know who the person that gave them to you? Did you confront them about it?

Or actually did come front up about it? And I went and I got my money back because I was pissed off and they could have killed you. And you don't know who else he's doing that too. Also, that's what I'm saying. I'm like, it's mother, it's people like you that are killing people out here, you know, for money. It just doesn't make sense. So from there, I stopped getting I stopped getting any pills from the pharmacy, I mean from the from the I will only get my

pills from from like somewhere. I knew that it was coming from the pharmacy. So you know, our mutual friend that you's what it pills from. Um, you scared him one day to the point where he felt like he couldn't even get you drunk anymore. The same I've answering my calls. He told me. Not figured that, you know. He said that it was frequent and it was a lot, and he's like, you know, steps, my girl, you my folks,

you know, so I'm gonna look out for her. But once it started to scare me, he said, what happened was he gave you a lot one day and then he texts you and you didn't respond, and he he said, all that could go through his head was like you odeed, and like we're some ghost and we're on the show together and we're friends. And he was just like I couldn't head that on my conscious. So I just really had to just like stop, he stop. He stopped answering

my calls. And I appreciate that, But girlfriend, I was driving from you know, I was driving from New New York to Philly to go see him. You know that, even when I was with my man out there, I

was like hit him. I was like, because I just wanted it so bad, and it's like I felt like, you know, when you're addicted to something, you were like, I'm not just so I just was to sleep, you know what I mean, Like, I'm not really trying to get high, but that's if you need something to sleep, If you need a hard drug to sleep every single night, you have a drug, especially if you're not getting it from you know, a doctor, right, you know what I mean?

So I knew that's why he wasn't answering. Um, he wasn't answer in my toals and I respect that about him. You know that. You know that as this people are listening. They might have like a friend who's addicted to pills. What would you tell them? Because sometimes you can't talk to someone like do you feel like anybody could have told you listen, girl, you gotta slow down, like you need to stop doing this, and you would have listened, Like what would you tell somebody? I think you gotta

do it on your own? Is that? Like? You know, you encourage your friends. Out of my friends tried to give me the advice like yourself, slow down, slow down and look even our folks, um, jeez, folks, was like, no, I'm not I'm not giving it to her no more. You know, So I had friends like that, But I really feel like you need to take it upon yourself unless it's someone who has experienced that. I would have

took took the advice. Like if someone would have told me, like, hey, step I was on precoss and I was taking sixteen a day and I almost died from the withdrawal, I probably would have been a little scared. But you know how, you know how people are, especially people with strong personalities and strong heads like me. I'm like, I'll listen to your advice and I'll respect it and i'll take But for me to take advice is a whole different story. And I still do what you want exactly. I'm still

gonna do what I want. But I have to say, as soon as I found out what I was doing, because they told me deefinitely, look how skinny you are. The first thing that happens before you die is your body starts to eat you up. And then I looked at myself in the mirror. I got bones in my chest, my I have words sticking out. I mean, I'm like, damn, my little that's crazy. But you can see like my face sinking. And I had to go get fillers. So that way I went and looked so sick in the

face because it was literally making me sick. Now, what was it with youral process? Like for somebody that is watching and they're like, okay, I want to kick this, Like what was that? Like? How it you get started? Okay? So I there all my purposes until I ran Now I had bought I had bought seven of them. Now I'm gonna tell you the cost of it too, because I want you to understand how much money I was spending on this drug too. I bought seventy purposes that

ran me about two thousand dollars or less. Maybe a little less because in pandemic they're really expensive. So but you know, I'm like whatever, I'm being money only care. So I brought seventy of them and I took all of them. I took all of them about five days. Oh my gosh. So I was like, all right, I ain't got no more. I'm buying no more. That's it. This is the day that I'm gonna stop. So the first day it was feverintials during a pandemic. That's really scary.

I was like, oh shift, I got the fucking coronavirus. And my mom was like, no, idiot, you're going through withdrawals lax so I'm like, okay, mom, And then the next day it goes to heart like the worst contractions and your stomach the worst cramps. I mean, I was so cramped up I couldn't even move, Like every time I got up to use the bathroom, I was like bent over like an old lady because it hurts so bad. Then,

I know, we talked about ship on the show. I always say, girls, don't We're being real and serious right now. I had a massive diarrhea for like a week, including cramps. I had to like drink bottles of pepto bismol to make myself feel better. When the Sword of work, it didn't work that good, but it helped, you know, stop the diarrhea. And from there it went to just being really tired, like feeling really like like, oh my god, I have danage you to do anything. And then I

got hungry. Then I started wanting to eat. My appetite came back. That's when I knew I was starting to heal up because my appetite came back. But the worst, worst, worst, worst, worst is the first five days. The first five days five If you could get through the first week, you could get through it because I'm telling you. It started from fever and chilled throwing up. I forgot about that part. It was fever and show throwing up, um, a little coughing,

a little coughing. I'm telling you, I stood to a corona. I don't know, I don't thank God, and um. Then it went to the terrible cramps diarrhea every ten twenty minutes. So imagine your stomacher and really really bad and then having to get up every ten minutes to go sit on the toilet and kill yourself on the toilet. You're like and mad pain sitting on the toilet. It was awful. You're throwing up and you're shipping at the same time. It was terrible. I know body there to help me,

but I felt like I had God with me. I know, I know that's I know that that's what you need with you. Yeah, but I know I know a lot of people, you know, they're like what she's talking about. She making on the internet talking about God on the time. You know, God, I love hoes. God loves and some love hols. Read the Bible, Bird loves all his children. Guys, let me ask you a question. When you were going

through it, those really hard days. Did you ever think to yourself, like or what was the motivation to get you not to be like, you know what, let me just take a pill to make this feel better again. And I had other pills. I have vikings Ins in the house, and I had Zannis and I was like, I'm not taking any of that. Ship Um. The motivation and the motivation was the strength inside of me. I was like, I'm stronger than these pills. These pills don't run my life. I run my life. God runs my life.

So I had the pills right there on my table and looking at them like nope, nope, nope, I'm not I don't care. I'm not taking that. The most I took was motran and Thailand. All that's it. That's the only medicines that I took, besides I'll say a pepo business, Pepto bismo, motoring, and Thailand. At the same time, I was doing four motorants or emotion eight hundred and two thailannels at the same time, just so I could, you know, get any kind of thing, really I could. It didn't

work that good, but it helped. If anything, it probably was a plausibo to make you feel like it was doing something exactly. It was my mind exactly. That's how I feel like, Oh okay, I think I'm getting work. Yeah, but it was probably just in my mind, you know. But also you are super religious, and I feel like it comes out more when you get drunk or when you did used to be unpelled. So what did that

say to you? You know what I mean? Like through through those times, even that's a that's that's good, that's a the observation all real, because when you're doing wrong is when God is like what are you doing? Like, like what's up? Like, oh, you want to be in faith or you wanna get drunk? Which one? You know

what I mean? And I totally agree with you. I was that one time, all right, one time I was so high, I was so fucked up on I was so fucked up on percocets, right, I was just sitting there, sitting there, so fucked up on perkose that I had a hallucination of my guardian angels telling me, like, you're doing the wrong thing. And I was just like, oh, I'm dreaming, I'm bugging right now. I'm bugging. I'm totally bugging. So when I came out to trance. I was like, yo,

I wasn't bugging. That was like like I just had a moment, But that still did it made me stop? That still that it made me stop. I was like, oh, well, I guess I'm just stripping out. That was that high. Yeah, I was like you said, and you you guys know, I've been on a faith journey for a couple of years, and right now I feel like I'm closer to my faith than i've ever been, you know what I mean.

So as when as soon as I got baptized, and you know, I went and stow the person that I needed to see to tell me what was going on in my life, I didn't even tell them I had a drug problem, and they knew from looking in my eyes. You they thought they thought they thought that I was doing cocaine. They thought that I was doing cocaine. They asked me if I sniff coke, and I was like, oh, um, I automatically through. It's like he sees that I'm skinny, so he thinks I'm sniff of coke and I'm like, no,

I'm not. I'm not sniffing coke. I don't sniff cooke. I was like, um, he's like, but you have another drug problem. And I'm like, yeah, I do pills and he's like, oh, that's even worse than doing coke. He was like, um, he was like okay. He looked at me. He was like, yeah, you're gonna die. You're gonna die before you turn forty five if you keep taking these pills. He's like, when you went to get baptized, just after I got baptized. So I shook. It scared the ship

out of me. Like, I have a son. I have a fourteen year old son. You know, I wouldn't want him to live like that with his mom and knowing that his mom died from doing drugs. Like my mom is in my life, still in my dirties, and she's been partying in her whole life. And I feel very blessed, but I know that, you know, she's like she has alien blood, Like she's different. She's it's not like I'm

not as strong as she is. And I don't think the drugs that she was doing when I was a kid is the same drugs that they have now, you know what I mean? So, do you know what your triggers are? Staff like what you have to stay away from to make sure she stay clean. My triggers are when my boyfriend's got me depressed, like when my boyfriends that's when the father. I don't thought about anything. I don't shuss all about anything at all. I don't stress out about money, even if I if I'm not rich,

I don't stress out about money. I don't stress out about material things. I don't stress out about anything. But a man does something wrong to me, I forget. I'm like already over and already check out, time to lights out, I'm going to sleep. I'm going to sleep for a month. I don't even want to deal with this, but that was my trigger. That was my trigger. I um, you know, I'm still dealing with the same guy I've been dealing with for the for so long, and he ain't going nowhere.

Like that's That's another thing that I've realized in this time, Like no matter what happens, he's gonna be there, whether we're fighting or not. He ain't going nowhere. What does he think about all of this? Like what what did he do while you were going through everything with he supportive with you know, Like what what role did he actually fighting we were actually fighting? And when he saw that I would um because he knows me, so he

knew that I was doing something different. So when he saw that I was um on that I was getting baptized, when he saw that I was wearing, you know, a white handkerchief and you know, getting baptized into my religion. Um, he hit me up right away like, I'm so proud of you. I know this is something you've been wanting to do for a long time. I love you so much, Like, I'm so happy you're doing these ceremonies. I'm so like and that was like, wow, I cannot believe it, Like

so I can't lie. He was very supportive. He asked me what made me He was like, I know it's me that made you do this. And I'm like, no, it's not you that made me do this. I've been on this journey before I met you. I've been on this journey on his Spade journey for like seven years. So it's like, it's just you making me feel terrible about things, just pushed me further to want to go and to my faith. It's not because of you, It's just I took a bigger step while we were fighting.

What was he doing about you? Were taking pills. What was like, was he doing them too? Or was he like? What was his thing when um too? But he would be like, oh, oh, what's wrong. You can't sleep here? Take a pill? Oh you're upset? Okay, okay, yeah, go take one of your pills because you got it bad. We go take one of your pills. So he didn't care. He didn't care. You don't care if I was doing drugs or not. You didn't getting funk? And what was his reaction to you becoming clean? When I told him?

I was like, yeah, I'm I'm I'm in ceremony and you know, I'm doing all of this spur so that way you don't stress me out and I don't have to take drugs to go to sleep. And he's like, oh, you're not taking drugs to go to sleep. I'm like, I'm not taking drugs at all. I'm just fighting through it. And he's like, oh, I'm so proud of you baby when you come home up and give you a gift. Uh, Like, bro, I don't need should reward me for something that I

decided to do myself. Like the reward is me being healthy. The reward is is is me being able to get up and go and do what I want to do, to have to have my house the way it's supposed to be, to be organized, to organize my life, organized, my career, organized my home. You know that's the reward for me. It's not you, because you're not going anywhere. But if he's a trigger right at some former fashion, how do you think that's gonna play a part on

your recovery and your new journey? Like? Is that a positive thing? You know what I mean? Like one thing, one thing I have to say is you know, I do love this guy. I do love this guy, but I know I don't got a future with him. He's not the man that I'm gonna marry. I know that for sure. If I don't, we're not getting married. It is what it is. I don't expect for him, man, I never. I mean maybe in the beginning I thought, oh maybe it's me the guy don't marry when you else?

I body, you know what I mean? But I know him really well, just like he knows me really well. So I feel like at this point, after after everything I've been through in faith and um and getting sober, he there's nothing he could do to get me to get me upset at this point, like he tries, he has tried too, but there's really nothing he could do. It sounds like he's not good for you though stuff. And if he's trying to get you upset, and you know, I know he's not, y'all, don't wan't to talking about

y'all know you, we know, but you know you. We don't want to say too much. And if you know, you're not gonna end up with him, if he's trying to do things to upset you, and you know it is like you said, you know when you get upset, when you're in a relationship, when you're fighting, this is what you return to. So now you've got to figure out how are you gonna handle things differently because he's toxic.

It sounds as though and if you're intoxifying yourself. I just think that when those people come in your space, it's a negative it can cause negative things. And I think you look so great right now. You sound so positive, You sound amazing, like I'm happy for I see the different honestly, like and you know, Stephanie, when we did some Loot Service episodes and I was actually just doesn't look like she's well, and she's here in present I was she's dead high or waiting to get high. So

we're like, is it over? Is it over? Do you think if I go over here? Though? Stevie Poppico right, this is the best that I've seen you in a long time. And we don't want to say too much because we don't want to be triggers as far as like to make you upset, you know what I mean. We want to support you as friends. But sometimes you could push a person the wrong way, you know what I mean, and and saying things to them and they could shut down and not want to talk to you.

So that's why it was also difficult for us, like we would, if anything, have conversations like, well, what can we do? But at the same time, you did have to come around yourself and and figure it out, and you did, and I think that's amazing. But I will feel like we have to kill this nigga is and I do. I do I feel that way because he's obviously something is not all the way positive with him, you know. You know it's funny because my sister gave me the same advice. You like stuff even though you

think the things that he does can't bother you. One day it might and you might just go off the rails again. So I'm I mean moving forward. Honestly, I don't think I'm gonna give him another year. I don't think so it's been for and I don't I don't really think I'm gonna like I know, I know that I'm gonna get what I want no matter what. And it's like, do you want to be in a relationship

that's going nowhere? Because that's what you're gonna get over there, right And I just don't want you to slide back in because I know it could be just one day something goes wrong and he's not gonna discourage it. No, no hold going by the bills for me, okay, And that's not what you need right now. You've got too many great things happening. And it's crazy because it's not like you don't have options of plenty other men, men

that are trying to talk to you. But I know when we have this habit and this love for a certain person, we stick around. I mean, everybody excel inch, but like every like we all have been through something where we've stayed in toxic situations. And I felt like That's why now, like even me talking to you about it, I know that I've been in a situation where things were going great and positive and this man who has nothing was able to bring me back down to ground zero.

But I had to fight back up through it. And I don't want to see that happen when you know, we want you to be doing great, We want you to be president like this Stephanie. Yeah, we love this Stephanie like it's the other one that scares us, you know what I mean? But how can we talk because you'll snap at us too. You have before. That's what I'm saying. I get nasty, you know, I get nasty when I'm on the joke, especially when I'm coming all

for them. When we were on tour, I was looking at danas everywhere, everywhere, everywhere we went for one of my friends. I got you dance, we get then we get something in Atlanta. We got some in Atlanta, we got some in La. You're gonna stop being a guy, Jamn the neighbler. Yeah, it's like right here, my friend tell her, okay, when any time she asked you about some ship like that? No, we already know the next

in adderall in Atlanta. We gonna have to cut g off in a second, like I can mest somebody tell Laurie y'all I was addicted to adderall and I was like, well, yeah, I had to check that. And the guy I was like, if she's addicted to adderall, I got a problem with her because she didn't give me nothing. I never had adderall in my life. I was like, and it was an artist too, and I'm like this and he was saying in front of other people and I had to shut hand down, like, bro, no, it was can I

say who it was? Yeah? It was Joe Betton. It was Joe Betton telling people I'm addicted to add run and I was like, dude, I've never done adderall in my life. He was like, I don't even got much for him to say that. I have no idea where he got that from. He said it's a need though, and I was like caught off guard, Like he was like, you know because then just addicted the adderall And I was like like, I wasn't gonna tell my friend, Like Joe was cool, but Angela's my friend friend like in

real life, no industry ship. So I'm like, what would you addint that the adderall, bitch, and now I need the adderall. And you didn't get like. I never why you didn't give me a yeah, Like I tell you what I do, I've done. I have no problem with that. You know what I'm saying. I did it shroom the other day. I'm never doing shrooms again in life. Like Arizona, I got him from Arizona. There was albino something. When I tell y'all, I just freaked the funk out, like

a couple of days ago, because I had him. I would never do them. I thought I was getting kidnapped. I'm just like fun that ship I was seeing ship like and it was I took a little. Drugs are bad, bay. But Stephanie, and let's all make sure that we keep on continuing to check in on Stephanie even when we're not doing an episode, just to see how you're doing.

And I am happy that you decided to share this because there's so many people we all know somebody that has had problems with pills, and you know, we're just happy that you were able to catch yourself. We do not want this to ever happen again. We love this healthy, beautiful Stephanie. That we have here with us if you

need anything from myself question and we're here. I know we're going out next week to catch up and sit down and talk, but I'm just you know, I'm just cautious about this, dude, because you don't need negative influences in your life. And I understand that we care about people and whatever. But back to with Lord rialhi. Um. You know, I spoke to my sister and our sisters.

You know, she very supportive and she lives not too far from me, so she's been coming to visit me and cook for me and things like that, and she told me the same thing. She's like, stuff, I know you love them, you know, I know you love them, but sometimes you just gotta let people go, like if they're not if they're not good for your health, especially

because you're the one thing having a broken heart. But it's a whole other thing when you're killing yourself with substances right for being the price, you gotta love you more than you left someone else exactly, because that's exactly where I feel like my faith took me because I felt like I was I feel like I'm so close to my faith and it makes me love myself so much.

It makes me feel like I um, you know, like I'm so proud of myself, Like I know I can feel the love of God because I could feel the love for myself, because that's what God really wants you to do. He wants you to love what He gave you, and that's your life. You know what I mean. And I'm sorry, guys, I know I noticed. Is live serious, Listen, we know all about it. This is helped anybody else.

And that's what Little Serce is about too. It's not just about relationships and sect it is you know, relationship with yourself is it really just that's important and honesty and also no judgment, like that's what Let's service is. This is a no judgment place for us to be honest and to help other people too with our own personal stories and journeys and help each other the best we can. And I really wanted to share this because I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not embarrassed that I was,

that I fell into a whole of addiction. I'm not embarrassed my mom. You know my mom with my mom has a bad, bad addiction. And you know, I mean, she was good and she's fine and everything, but you know, not everybody's the same. And and I've never been ashamed that because my mom was a great mom. She you know, we were never abused, and she showed us a lot of love and and spoke brook values into us. But you know, she she did party and it is what that is, what it is. She's good person, but she

she has her issues. And you know, not that I didn't want to end up like my mom, but you know, seeing my mom, I should know better. You know what I mean. And she doesn't want that for you either, No, not at all. When I told her I was clean, she didn't want to talk to me when I was doing when I was doing the pills. At first she was like take this, this will get you all for this. I'll take this, this will get you all for that. But then I started calling her like hey man, can

I get some more of that? And she was like, don't call me. I'll say you over this because then you started becoming addicted to that. And even my sister, my sister was like, Stephanie, is don't get you doing drugs. I'm not talking to you. And you have your son and I have my son. I didn't so I told my son's father and he told me anything I need if I needed him to come and help me out. And he has a he has a whole wife, he has a girlfriend. But he he was like, stepping you listen,

you're the daughter my mom. Excuse. I was like, what problems like that? You know you're something, you're you're the mother of my son, and you know, anything you need, I'm gonna be there for you to have. You got to go to the hospital. I'll take you to the hospital. Anything you need, I'm gonna help you with it. I don't want to see you like this. But he knew right off the bat. But now I was doing drugs

because he knows me real good. We were together for seven and a half years, so he knew right away. He never saw me so skinny. And I'm not gonna lie like me skinny. I'm really remember health plasticated. Okay, healthy, but that's what I'm saying. It's one thing being skinny and a whole different thing, big healthy skinny. Right, And please, people that are listening, don't think like I want to lose weight. Let me go buy a sephny purpose that makes that breaking And Stephanie so can you admit now

on this podcast that girls do Ship? You're annoying Angela? All right, this is the one and all this time, I'm gonna admit girls Ship. That's it. Somebody I supposed to wre recorded it never just saying all right, well listen. Yeah, thank you guys so much, and thank you Stephanie for being self open and transparent with us, because you don't know how many people this could be helping right now. And that's why I wanted to do it. I really, um, like I said, I'm not embarrassed, and no one should

be embarrassed. You just take care of yourself. It's so important, especially in these times I was I was messing up my immune system. I could have really got even sicker from doing all those shrugs. So right, and in particular right now with coronavirus, it is a tough time for people who are in the house, who are going through relationship issues, who are going through financial issues, everything that you're going through. We know it's not easy, but that's

not that's not gonna be the fixed to anything. You know, it's just making worst. It's stopping you from I've actually missed a lot of opportunities because I was too high on drugs. To be honest, I mean, I'm very grateful that there's other opportunities that are always being an offer to me. How you guys in my life, and I'm very grateful for you guys. I'm always grateful for you guys. You know. Um. But of course there was a lot of things that I missed out on because I was

doing drugs. I didn't want to outside. I'm too lazy. I mean, the one thing I could say is I'm never lazy to take a shower. I was always in the show every time she's like, I'm taking a shower and brush your feet. Don't forget that gross to the tooth thing. All right, Well, yeah, please enjoy the rest of your week. We'll be back next week. Best that, Stephanie again, thank you. It was nice to have all of us on here. And we love you, Stephanie and

we support you. If you need you already enough you need anything from us, like you call us and we're gonna make sure we're there as that's as we can be. Thank you. I love you guys. I love you guys so much, and we love all of everybody listening to group group bring it in bad guys, and we love you too. Dan. Even though you're not my only Dan, I love you