Episode 179: Are you almost done? (Feat. DeVon Franklin)

had a good time with that. Of course none of us waited, but now it's a nice theory, not waited. But it's not a bad idea to try, you know. I have to say, like being in a new relationship, Um, maybe things will go differently, like you said, if we try something different and get to know each other, you know. Um, But today we're going to be bombarding you with questions about our own personal lives, all right, just to get to you. I look forward to it. Let's do it, yeah,

because you know we got issues. But I'm going to start with some things that have been happening, like in the rumors. And I want to talk about b Smith because I'm sure you saw this story and see your input. So you know, she has Alzheimer's, a lot of things she can't remember, and we know what Alzheimer's does you

know to you? So her husband has a girlfriend and the girlfriend is living in the house with them, and he basically didn't want to stop his life because it was a lot for him taking care of his wife and she doesn't even really know exactly what's going on. But people feel like it's really foul that he has

another woman living in the house. So for you, divine, I want to see what your thoughts are and that, Yeah, you know when I saw that, um, you know, it was painful because she is alive and she's here, and when you take those vows, you know it's for better or worse, you know. And I look, I mean none of us can judge. We are in that situation, so I don't know how he feels. But it's something about it just didn't didn't vibe right with me, you know.

And also the desire to come public with it and to do like a photo shoot and all those things. I just like, Yeah, I mean when you look at the photos and people, I mean, that was a photo shoot that wasn't like, you know, a personal photo. Somebody went and took that picture, and I just thought it was just again my opinion, I thought it was in poor taste. And uh, you know, if she had all

her faculties, clearly it's not something that would be done. Um. You know, I don't know what it's like when you care for a love one in those scenarios and the situations. Who knows the amount of stress that would have produced this sort of thing. But with that being said, uh,

it did disappoint me. You know, Um, when you read their book, which is a powerful book, which I think came out a couple of years ago if I'm correct, you know, they have an incredible love story, and um, you know, it's just it just it just saddened me to see that we were discussing this downstairs. Now, Lawry, y'all jump in with what you were saying. Okay, So basically, so okay, I get what you're saying about publicly. Now, that's something I agree with. I think that taking the

public is weird. But as far as like, like you said, I don't know their situation, but let's just say this is the situation. She's not in her right mind. He's caring for her he wants to be there twenty four seven or maybe not twenty four seven, but as much as he could be there if they're nothing going on between them anymore. And I understand they're married, but she's no longer in her right mind, so I don't think he can have sex with her when that be kind

of like rape. That's weird, like to meet all of that is weird. So he has needs as a human being, and I feel like for him to have uh companion or something he may want to be with. I think that that might be okay because she's not in her right mind. He's not dealing with her in that capacity,

and sex is one need. But but yes, I'm sure, but maybe it's not even companionship, like he can't really hold a real conversation with her that she's gonna remember tomorrow or well, I don't know like how bad it is, but if that's the case, like that has to be painful to go through, and maybe he needs somebody to lean on and he doesn't want to leave her in the care of anybody else, So moving somebody else in the house is what's his option. That's how I looked

at it. But when you take it public and bring everybody else into it. That's what I have a problem with. It's like, if this is what's happening, and the family is okay and there's no outrage, then let that man do what he's doing and take care of his wife, you know, because he feels like he could take best care of her maybe I don't know, you know, rather

than a home attendant. But they're still married married, Yeah, they're still that that My feeling is just why not do things in order decently and which is you know, again, to judge, not less she be judged. This is hypothetical, but it's like, divorce her, set it up so that she has care and he's taking care of her, and then start the new thing versus I'm still married to her and I'm bringing my girlfriend into the situation. That just doesn't seem like respect. But I got that girlfriend,

I would be uneasy. Why I wouldn't even want to live in the next woman's life. Don't you feel like once he if he gets a divorce, he kind of gives up his power for say so, Like he would have the power to say she was our life support, to pull the plug. If he gets a divorce, he doesn't have power for nothing, So maybe that's how he's

looking at it to keep his power. Possibly. I mean, you know, when I know, all the ramifications are on what they kind of worked out before she Let's say that she was on the other foot, Let's say the man was the one that was sick and the wife was taking care of him and moved in her boyfriend. Wouldn't there be outraged even worse because they would be like, because it's double standards of how you know, men can

get away with certain things but women can't. Yeah, I think they would definitely look at it differently if it was a woman who did that. I mean, I can't say for sure, but I'm sure there would be some type of like damn and with like and how like how would he feel? Would he be okay with that? Would he be okay with? Like? You know, that's just weird to me. Do you think people care more because she's a white woman? I think that had something to

do with it all. He moved the white I personally, it was just I mean, the story generate what just somebody is a close by move her into the same home, and even if he wants to be the one to be there to take care of her, get a little side apartment and handle a business there, have her there, Like, I just think that the respect level is at below zero? Is that normalizing cheating? Now? But I think this is a very it's not. It's I don't cheating. It is

such an uncommon situation. It maybe poor judgment, but it doesn't. And yes, technically it's quote unquote cheating, but it's so different in that it's an extreme situation. Would you say, would you give your significant other their blessing? Like, look, if something like this would happen to me, I want you to still be happy because it's a possibility she could have done. So y'all want to have something crazy?

My aunt actually said to me, and she didn't even say it to my mother, but she said it's there. It's not a blood hunts and it's gonna sound crazy when I say it, but she said that if she passes away, that she will want my mother to marry her husband what and take care of him. Is that crazy? Because she said she wants to see him be happy and she thinks that they would be a good match. That is well, but they're not blood. They're not blood.

They're back in the day, she her best friend was dating this guy and her best friend got really sick or one of her close friends got really sick, and the close friends said, when I die, it's okay for you to date him, you see. And she passed away and they date for years. You see what I'm saying. It's like the older thing like that. I don't know that i'd be comfortable with that. Back in the day they used to sleep with like other people in the

family and up marrier exactly. And that's what made me think of it, because my friend told me his dad has his aunt's named tattooed on his arm, and he was he didn't never know and he's seen it. He was like, what is that? And they were like, you didn't know he used to date your aren't for earth? And then he had a baby. Didn't happen in the Jackson family, Yeah, they got a baby by the same woman, um one of them, Yeah, sono or something all. And then another thing we wanted to ask you about is

the bow Wow situation. I'm sure you've seen what happened. His face biz are scratched up. Now, we don't know the details of what went on, you know, in their kindominium. But we do know that they both got arrested for battery, and it looks like she attacked him, you know, just from the visible scars and stuff that we've seen him, from his statement from his reps saying that she attacked him. She was drunk, and she threw a lamp and beat him with the lamp and all of it. He was

trying to get away from her. Now, as a man, what should you do in a situation when a woman is physically assaulting you. Yeah, I think it's a man you do your very best to diffuse a situation without violence. That is That is the way I believe we should handle it. Um. You know, I don't know the particulars of what he did or didn't do, but you know, if a woman came at me violently, I am going to do everything in my power to protect myself without

inflicting violence on her. That is what I think should happen. I've had people tell me that if you don't try to attack your man, then you've never been in love. That somebody has told me that I said I wouldn't put my hands on anybody, and they were like, well, then you've never been in love. Before I've heard that you're just not crazy. It's difference, you know what I mean, There's a difference. Are they Is she still together? Um?

You're supposed to want to love, not fight. But there's been situations with people in this room right that things have gotten that things have gotten physical. And I'm looking at both these ladies here, So I want to hear your views now as you get older, like as far as you guys, and you see what just been with bad one. People are making jokes about it, but it really isn't funny, you know, but talk about your own situations.

I've been in situations on various levels. You know. There was a time when I was with somebody who was full on abusive and really try to end my life. Um. There was what that happened twice in two different situations. UM. There was also a time where the anger had you know, level level, level level up until I kind of just like blew up, and you know, violence came out then and that was on my behalf. UM. But you know,

all of this was years ago. But I feel like, UM, as adults, we should learn how to talk and communicate and express ourselves without violence. UM. But sometimes when you don't do that. Things happen. Um, I'm not saying that it's right for anyone to fight, you know, their their partner, but in some situations you just feel so disrespectulu were so angry that you lash out, but can't you just got to try to hold that back. What can you

do when you feel that disrespected? It at the best thing to do is, I think to normally voice it and get yourself out of the situation, you know, and if you can't voice it in a civil way, get yourself out a situation. Because we all kind of know when our buttons are being to a degree where it's like, wait, I'm gonna come back to this, but if I, if I stay in it, things are gonna gop real quick.

Remove And then once you calm down, figure out the best way to at least express how you're feeling before you do something that you won't be able to take back, like destroying property. What do you think about that? Look?

I always and I had before, like I was in an abusive relationship, So yeah, I would do things that like just withoud, like affect him because I knew I couldn't beat him because obviously he was always beating me up, so um, it just kind of ended up being like, well, I'm gonna do this to this because it's material and I know that that would get to him, you know what I mean. But I agree with you with the I do that often because I know I get very very angry, and sometimes I say things that I don't

mean just to hurt the person's feelings. If I felt disrespected, I hurt. So I like to take a step back. And even sometimes I gotta tell myself because I'll be wanting to just like say something immediately, but I know it's gonna be the wrong thing, and I know I'm gonna say something nasty and I know like I'm gonna yell.

So what I do is I now. You know, it took me a while even like sometimes ill you know, slip into it if I felt some kind of a way, But like in my older years, I'm kind of gathering myself, like you got to relax, figure out what you're angry about, how you're gonna say it in a decent way, and

do it that way. But sometimes people provoke you, you know what I mean, You're trying to just relax and wait a second, and they're like, well, you ain't going and that's when, right, But you know, much like you can't really get people the power to be able to

push your buttons like that because you're doing it on purpose. No, yeah, and I understand that too, Like I think people want that reaction, and the best reaction is no reaction, right, you know, And that's always been And what you talk about in your book is something that I've always done, right, which you said you count to ten before you do something. And when I get mad instead of and you y'all know me, and you know that I don't react in

certain situations. I'll count to ten backwards in my head because I never want to put something out there that I'm like, damn, I took it too fun Now I'm wrong. Now she's funny because she'll get mad. She'll start laughing. I actually took that from her, and it helps me. Like, but then the person will get mad because it seems like you, but it's kind of like just you're mad, it's all you just you know what, let's exactly because

that means I'm thinking something. Oh no, I'm gonna say that there's something that I learned from your book that I'm going to try to implement. And that's that's too. Think about the consequences. I think about in the long room, what's going to happen, Think about a little effective this is starting before you do it. When I read it in your book, I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna use that. It's like this, then this person is gonna move here, and then I'm gonna move here, and then

this is gonna happen. And then because it helps you know, we were we all on on certain levels, are impulse driven. And and so when you play it all the way out, you begin to say, okay, wait is this if I act on this impulse, is it worth the result? And when you give yourself a chance to play it out, most of the time you say, no, no, it's not I ain't even gonna ain't gonna even do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna

step away, I'm gonna do something different. So you know, I really wanted to put that in the book, you know, as a way to really help us manage these moments and these impulses better, because in the moment it seems like a good ass idea, and especially like you're going on again now and then you think about it. He's like, because this it's actually happened to me this year, and I actually know to last year because I had to really stop and think about it, like all right, this,

that and this is before I read the book. So when I started reading, I've seen a lot of things that I put in my home like that. I didn't even think about it, like that's something I'll bring back. Like you said, now I could think further life, how do I stop myself from whatever I think of the consequence? Yeah, come on, now, let's talk about like disrespect. Okay, if someone talks to you crazy, because this is something we

were discussing before you walked in here. Because sometimes we get into relationships and like you said, we say things that maybe we don't mean in the heat of the moment and moving forward from that, right, can you move forward from that? When somebody says something that is so crazy that you're like, I don't even know how to

handle this. Well, if someone says it's like in a relationship sense, you know, yeah, here, here's what I believe a lot of times when you hear something like that from somebody, If someone says something like that, that intentionally or sometimes unintentionally hurt you. And people are smart enough to know, okay, you know on one level this is gonna hurt. One level is not. Like, So when someone's saying something, they say that that is a huge red

flag that cannot be dismissed. And I and so many women that come to me, then I try and help them in their situation. There were red flags early on when this type of disrespect was shown, and and and but because there was a desire to keep the relationship, there was a desire to see him change, they stayed in something that from the beginning was at a level of disrespect that never was at the level of respect

it should have been. So as a result, they patch up that moment, they disregard it, and then it keeps happening, repeatedly, repeatedly, repeating. So I think the first thing, the moment that there's disrespect, it is important to say, hey, wait a minute, we're gonna we're gonna set the table for what is okay and what's not this How you just talked to me and what you said. I don't know how else you've

talked to other people. This is unacceptable. If you can't roll with that, no problem, I'll blessed, I'll see you later. But moving forward, I need you to know that I can't have another moment like this because what happens is expectations that are set, and once you set expectations, then

you can hold somebody accountable. However, sometimes if you endure that disrespect and you just say, oh, well, you know what, he was upset, It's okay, I'm gonna sweeping under the rail and it comes, then you go, right, we were suppressing, you know, and then that suppression ends up, you know, like you said, becoming a pile. Anything be suppressed. We empower. So I think it's really important when there's disrespect to

call it out immediately. And also don't feel like you're being petty anything that rubs your spirit wrong, especially in the early stages of dating somebody, you got it, you got about it. And that is for not just relationships, to friendships, friendships and relationships anything. If you feel like somebody's disrespectful, even if they're like, oh, you're being petty, no, you should bring those things up because if not, it is going to pile up. And it's important to set boundaries.

It's really important to set boundaries, parameters, how do we engage, What are the rules of engagement? What what does respect look like to you? What is it like to me? And all those different settings. It's so important because the truth is, sometimes people will do things and people, you know, look in our flesh. We do a lot of stuff we may not we shouldn't do. But sometimes people do things just to push, like you said, just to see are they gonna say something, Are they gonna push back?

How far can I go before they'll get upset? You know what. People want to know where the boundaries are in any situation. So sometimes it's like, oh, you want to know, let you know, here's the boundary right here, you know, so that way we can move forward in respect, we can move forward in love, we can move forward, you know, in camaraderie. But if I don't let you know that what just happened a cross the line for me? Then what I couldn't stand here and I don't say anything,

then all of a sudden, that's the way far. But do you feel like some guys, because I do. I think some guys look at when you stop and be like, all right, I don't like this on Oh you're nagging or you're being argumentative, but you're really just trying to say, like, this is not what I'm cool with, like or that's not what I'm used to you know what I mean that? How do you take that into account? And said it up thinking you're being confrontational? Yeah. I think two things

are important. One tone, tone is everything, so so how you deliver it sometimes it's important as to deliver it alf So once you have the tone, you know right where it's not confrontational, it's it's conversational. The other thing is that truth be told. Most men don't like to be called on their stuff. Yeah, but so even when the tone is right, you're still gonna get some pushback, right. That pushback is not your concern. Your concern is I

said what I had to say. I said it in love, because most of the time some a man will say that, but they take it in right, you know, Okay, God is she didn't like that? Okay, even though I'm saying, why are you nagging me? Up? I heard you heard that agent with right, and it's better to plant that seed. And even if they say nagging, plant the seed, it's okay. They'll get over it because in time, they will see, Oh, this is a woman that respects herself, she wants me

to respect her, and those things are valued. What about what clothing? Sex? What do you think about that? Like if you get into something, let's say, you know, you know what, just for me to prove my extra points to you, you ain't getting none. Well, here here's this is I'll unpack this. So um, it depends on you

know what stage we're talking about. So I was at Facebook, um just a little while ago talking doing a lecture on the book, and the audience was predominantly women, and so I was I gave this kind of analogy relative to sex. I said, okay, so um, for the women in the audience, Um, a month in when you're dating a guy, Um, would you give them the code to your phone? Said no? They said, oh, don't you talk

about a month? And no? I said, Okay. For some of you in previous situations, why may have you given that same man? You wouldn't give a code of your phone? Why would you have already given your body within a month. If you don't trust him enough with your phone, why would you trust them with your body? But about it as so so so going back to withholding sex. Listen, you know my point of view. I believe sexhually we should wait until marriage. However, most of I couldn't do that,

so my my advice. But oh so okay, great, So in a married situation, UM, I don't think you should use sex as a weapon because I think that that can only bear really bad fruit for your marriage. If you're upset, talk about it. Now. Here's what's gonna normally happen in situations, because this has happened to Megan. I you know, when it's time to have sex, and there's

another issue. Most of the time, as man, we may not know there's an issue with with what we may have said or done until it's time and then oh heay wait, oh so you're you're upset about Oh I didn't even know that, right. So it's never that sex is ever with held as a weapon. But sometimes the desire to have sex or not to have sex offense. So we have sex maybe laying there like this, you know, moving no, so with your hilarious what's wrong baby? Not

almost done? Straight in that situation? Is that right? Right? That had better? Yeah? Better you lebron has off night at a time like that, all right now, let's talk about rebuilding trusts right once that trust has been broken, because this happens a lot, and I get emails all the time for people are saying, Okay, me and my girlfriend, I cheated on her, we broke up. I really want her back, but she's given me a hard time and vice versa as well. What are some ways that you

can start rebuilding that trust? Um? One of the key ways is if you're a man and you have broken or violated the trust with a woman, UM, you have to do your work in yourself that produced the violation to begin with. Because what I mean by that is a lot of times and that's why I wrote the book, because you know, men have lust, they have this dog, and when you start to feed it, your desire is how can I please this over anything else? And a lot of times I can lead to violations within a

marriage or in a relationship. And most of the time a man who really loves a woman and he has hurt her, even if he's cheating on her, he wants to make it right. But a lot of the times the making it right is just getting her back, not doing the work on himself that produced the desire to go outside the relationship to begin with. So if you really want to show a woman that you're serious, it's not just about wooing her back. It's about why did I do this? What's going on in me? And how

do I get help for this? Who do I need to talk to? I need to get a counseled. I need to get a therapist. What do I need to do regularly? I need a consistent program? You know that to me? I think we'll speak volumes to a woman who really loves a man, who has been hurt by that man, seeing that man do his own work to get this issue under control, because when you're asking a woman to trust you again, there needs to, in my opinion,

be something more than face value. Well, you asked me to trust you the last time, and this I still got here. So you want me just on blind faith just to trust you again. When you're not doing your work, I don't see that you're doing anything differently. The reality is if you keep doing the same thing over and over again, inspecting different results, we all know what that is. Insanity. And so on some level, a man asking a woman to to come back after he cheated on her and

he's not gonna do anything differently is insane. So it's important for that man to do his work. And then in when you have offended somebody, it is so important that whatever they need to make it right, that's what you do right. And and too often when someone has offended someone else, the person that has done the offense wants to set the terms by which they no longer have to say I'm sorry. It doesn't work that way.

When I've heard somebody, I have to own it. I had to be accountable and and I gotta say, okay, baby, listen. If you need me to say sorry every day, that's what I'll do whatever you need me to do to to get you to a place of healing and wholeness and trust. Then, as the man, if you have violated that trust, you got to commit to it and do it. And even when you feel like I wish I didn't have to, well, guess what you do. If you really love her, it's really, really, really important to not say

well every time she brings it up. Well, a lot of times she's bringing it up because it never got resolved in the first place, because it's still the wound is still flat. To be persistent or to leave that person alone and give them space if you're trying to get them back. You know, I honestly think if you're sincere about it. Um, I think uh, persistence is important because even when someone's mad at you, that persistent still

lets him know you care. Uh. And even if a woman says, hey, I need space, you can still give him space without you know, being overbearing or becoming a stalker. But to still say, hey, you know I love you, I want to work this out, I'm here, I'm sorry, you forgive me. There's a way to do that without

it avering into the territory of abuse. But I think persistence is better because, you know, you want to make sure she knows you're you're you're serious, because sometimes even when she's mad at you, she still wants to know because he still want this, because he still want to make it work. Am I important? Does he Did he really love me? Or was I mistaken this case? If he disappears and gives you space, you're like, oh, so he's with her now, that's what you think. He was

hit me every day saying good morning. Now he stopped right right now? What if you're not attracted to your partner anymore? Let's just say they let themselves go. You know, they look a mess and they gained a lot of weight and lazy. Yeah, they're not dressing nicely, they're not doing just all kinds of things just because they're too comfortable. How do you address a situation like that and be

like mindful of their feelings at the same time. There's a great book that I referenced in in my book called His Needs, Her Needs UM by Dr Willard Harley Junior. And Megan and I do this every single year, and in the book there are ten emotional needs that he lists, which are basically all of our different needs, but he says men's and women's needs are different. So every year Megan and I get together and we prioritize what are our you know, emotional needs, so that mine are different

than hers. But she knows what mine are so I can become great at meeting hers, and she know and I know what hers are, so she can become great at meeting mine. One of those emotional needs is physical attractiveness. Right, So so in this situation you're bringing up, it's important to address it head on and say, this is one of my needs. I can't tell you why it is, but it is exactly when our but when our emotional

needs are not met. This is one of the main things that least us to look outside of relationship to getting mad. All of us have needs and if if those you know, core needs are not being met by our significant other, whether we like it or not, we're gonna start looking outside. And so when it comes to you know, physical attractiveness, yeah, you got you gotta say, hey baby, look, uh, you know, let's talk about this. I don't I don't want to make you feel bad.

I don't want to make you feel insecure, but this is one of my needs. And what can we do about that? You know, I mean Megan not talking about it all the time. You know. Look, she'll tell me, hey baby, this is what I need. So I'm like, okay, all right, I'm not gonna judge her need. It is what she needs, and I'll do my best to meet it by keeping myself in a in a you know, look where it's good for me. But it's also making sure that she feels like I'm valuing what she wants

out of it. Obviously it needs change. So that's yeah, because there are things change, they go up and down and sometimes I don't even know her needs and change to ask it. That's a good thing to even think about, Like, g you're in a relationship, what are your needs? We ain't got all day? What are your needs in your relationship? Um? I can say my number one knee at this very moment moment is honesty, trust, um, and just communication is really big right now, like we need to really communicate

with each other on all levels. Has that been working? Have you guys? I mean it's like these are the things that we're working on. So yeah, I mean we were together. Okay, that's the first step together. Now there's a quizin here lurial for women, are you dealing with the dog? Okay? Because lury you're single? Right? Yeah? Okay, so and I would divine for you to weigh in on some of her answers here. Okay, okay, okay. If you're single, when you go out a date, it's sex

your date's main objective? My date? Is that an objective? Um? No, it shouldn't be. But it's not feet together. No, I'm not just going to go out on a date with somebody that just wants to have sex. But he probably does want to have sex like every other guy. So yes, jump in that true. So yes, I didn't think every guy. But it's the main objective from what he wants from you in that moment now, because then he wouldn't take

me on a date. He would just try to constantly. Yeah, as I felt like a date is more like you want to get to know somebody a little bit, because I'm totally representative. Well, that's why you do in the book, you know, as you all know, I mean love is the master, right, So every man has love and lust. Love is the master. Lust is the dog. So you have to master the dog. And a lot of men will lead with the master, but it's secretly they're really

going with the dog the dog. So like, for example, um, one of the got a I sent out a bunch of early copies and so there was a young woman who read the book and she said, wow, I got a true testimony I gotta give. She said, on the first when I'm this guy, on the first day we prayed together, oh man, he showed me the master. That's day he was you know, he was revealed that also

all he wanted was says right. So even though he took a round all that it was only about you know, he was praying for he was, but the third day it was clear what he wanted. And so she said, because she read the book, it actually gave her the information she needed to navigate the situation. Instead of being mad, upset, disappointed, she's like, oh, got it, this is what's really going on. This is what you really want, and that's not what

I'm into right now. So as a result, it actually gave her the ability to deal with it in a more constructive way than how she said she normally would have dealt with So in that situation, some in their m oh maybe all that, you know, the dating and the taking out and the spending money, but they still have the same objective that other men may front about it would happen. So you gotta sometimes give it time to see is this man really you know who I think,

or is he really want what most men? Who is the better guy out of those two, the one that's trying to hide it to you or the one that's putting it out on the front because he's being honest at the end of the day, right, Well, you know what, I think that both Uh, it depends on the situation. But I think at the end of the day, you know some men that are more manipulatives. It's not better

or worse. I think it comes down to the person that they're trying to manipulate for them to say, hey, look, I'm not just gonna take this at face value, you know, ensure it's great that that man said, Hey, here's what I like. I think that's a good thing. Hey the all I'm into a sex Do you want to do it? Great? Don't. But I believe that most men are not that honest. I believe so too. I believe so too. They may not even realize it themselves too, that if they don't

think about it, they're just operate. It just becomes a remote behavior. Alright. Has someone stopped dating you because you wanted to wait for sex until marriage. I've never said

that before. No, I would try. I actually when I was reading the book, and I like, I was just thinking about things, and I know you and Megan did write the book about waiting, and I think, if anything, that's what made me think about it, the fact that you guys talked about it, and because I don't know anybody that's done that to be honest, like, yeah, wait, but not till marriage, you know what I mean, Like I've waited like months or something like that, Like I'll

wait like whatever, But it's not just like, well when I get married then. But I think because at one point I wasn't ready to get married. So maybe that's why that wasn't my objective. But now, like I could see that now because I'm older, it would be a great wife. Yeah, I would be a great wife obviously.

But you know, I like you also. I feel like you have to be ready for you can't just be like because some guys think because you're a woman, you just automatically want to get Guys do think that they that's your objective on the first eight They in their head think she's already picking out me to the babies and thinking about marriage. And sometimes we're just trying to see we even like you. Right now, Um, does the man you're with watch pornography regularly? You know you can't

see it. I probably watched more porn than he. All right, now let's delve into pornography because I didn't listen after reading the book, right he talks about watching pornography and how could be detriment. Yeah, but I know up here we all have talked about the pornography. And you know what's interesting, everybody here has said they watched pornography of things that they would never do. And so it's not necessarily like you watch stuff that this is reflective of

your life. But it's more like I would never do this. But this is crazy because kid, I don't watch like regular sex porn and I have regular things that what I'm saying, yeah, like regular sex. No, So what do you think about that? Because you said that it is detrimented and I started thinking, like, damn, we always talk about porn. You know, look, this is this is the first time I've actually had a conversation with women watching porn. So this is this is something new I'm learning. Yes,

I'm they didn't study they said the numbers. I wrote it. Actually, you know, from a standpoint of thinking about men and you know, seeing how destructive it is on men, you know, um, and I think that you know, every man has to really look at that because you know, it is a world that becomes that can be very hard when you're in that fantasy world all the time and then you try to live in a normal you know, day to

day life, it can be very challenging. And I talked about feeding the doll, you know, and that's where it feeds the dog. What about though, like for women, you think it's different or you think it's the same thing. No, I actually think there's lust in all of us, and I think the more that we feed that lust, the more challenges we have managing it. And sometimes we aren't always aware of what could seem casual, you know, it's like, oh it's cool, no problem, it comes out in other ways.

So I would caution anyone no matter what it is, that vice feeds the lust in us, and we always have to look at that. Yeah. I've heard say that they were really thought about it the way I did, not read about it. Wrote about people being like Terry Crews. I think, yeah, yeah, like that, you know, was like dang to me, because yeah, I mean I watched porn a lot, but I don't think that I'm predicted that I need. Yeah, like I'm not sitting at home for hours,

and but um, porn. I wrote the numbers down and I don't feel like being a nerd to go look it up. But like porn has more viewers per second than Amazon. Yeah. Netflix. I read it and I was like, this is crazy. Simply it's so easily accessible on it. Before you have to order videotapes. Now you can just get your phone and go Instagram. I've never watched porn on TV on my TV Next Level, but we were talking to one of our friends and she says that she has sex airplane. Yeah. Wow, the porn is on TV.

She has sex. What's it watching? Watching? Like she'll stream it from her phone via airplane to her TV and have it playing on the TV while she's having sex. I don't know. Maybe that is just something that is like the dog and in her See is it okay?

Sometimes in your relationships, say you're in love to have less field feelings towards the person you're in love with, Well, see, I would say those are actually from the master, right when I when I love the woman in my life, that love there's a passion there, there's a sexuality there, There's there's a chemistry there. So and that's a healthy way to deal with it because you're in a situation that has commitment, that has trust, and that has love.

So to me, when I look at lust, you know that lust is I don't care about this person, right, I just have a feeling. I have an urge. I'm horning, whatever it may be, and I want that that feeling to be satisfied. Doesn't sometimes even matter who satisfied. To me, that's lust. Love is I love my wife, She's amazing. Of course I have sexual feelings for her. Of course I have passion for her. So to me, that's the master,

and the master is where those feelings are are coming from. Right, Because if I just have lust, it's like it's independent of any sort of commitment or love that I may have for someone. Anybody can get it. Now, does the man you're with hanging out with other men who are known harassers or cheaters? That's hard harrasser seems a little bit hard o cheater? Yeah, does that make you feel weird? Like if he's going out with his boys or something like?

You know what makes me feel weird? It makes me feel weird when my guy, when his friends that are in known relationships try to start relationships or like get with my friends or that's weird to me because why should they even feel comfortable doing exactly? And then it also makes me feel that behind my back, they're trying to get my guys trying to get with their have

an understanding. Yeah, it's like, but then when your girlfriends talk about it, well, you know what becomes weird is if I know that Joey has a girlfriend, and then Joey comes around and Joey likes Tammy, and then Joey and Tammy starts speaking and become something whatever, and then Joey comes around with his girlfriend or baby mama, and then you feel like, yeah, no, I feel like, yeah, I feel shady because it's like I'm smiling up in your girlfriend's face knowing damn well, joe was just up

in my girlfriend. And then you have to be like, I don't want to be involved in please don't have this around. And then they're gonna bring the side check instead, and you're not gonna be around neither. It's gonna be Joey telling me the side And that's how that be saying.

That's though, because it's okay for Joey to cheat on his and with my friends and the ship then and then then Joey eyes, it's okay to you for you to cheat on me, but that friend you're gonna be kicking your back and I'm like, why are you always that bring her around. She's a hater. She's gonna tell this and that, and then your man needs to be like, look, I don't want that around my girl. Yeah, but you're not how to be My bribind would definitely be like,

I don't want her around that. He would definitely say that, like, don't bring that around my girlfriend because she's not gonna like that. But that's why I asked that question, and I put it in there because I think it's important for you know, especially as men, to look at who do we associate with, what qualities are in our circle, because the qualities in our circle reflection the reflection of

my quality. And if I'm making the decision that you know what, I'm trying to master this doll, I'm trying to become different. I gotta hang with men that want to become different. You know what. Doesn't mean I have to cut everybody off, but I do have to navigate how much I'm spending time with people that are going in a completely different well, not not with the brothers

that that ain't gonna keep your honest married. If your friends is married, then I mean if the guy's friends is married, then he should be more of the kind of guy that you're looking for, what you would hope, So as long as those married men, because sometimes you can be married and still Yeah, on the Breakfast Club that on lip Service, my friends all think that all men che and so I just want to hear what he has to say about that, because that's something that

I specifically on the show has said that that's the word that all men. I feel like I changed my mind on men chi. I think that a lot of men chi, and I think in the industry that we're in, because that's what I always is thinking of all men, all the men around me, and all the men around me, I do think cheat. But that's because I'm in the entertainment industry, and I mean, obviously there's a lot of things being thrown at both sides to defense, you know

what I mean, women and men. So that's what I think that people in the entertainment industry, and maybe a little harder for them to be faithful. And I get it. There's temptations in the world regular animals. Cheats are doctors. Excuse me, they said the number one cheaters are doctors. Ye, because they're never home right and they cheat a lot of times and stuff like, yeah, that was a pole that they had done at that same hospital back they

didn't already came away. But like most men cheat or or will yeah, and then there's different levels of cheat, and there's a motional cheating. You know, it doesn't have to just be physical. It's I feel like cheating is anything that you wouldn't do comfortably in front of me that you do behind my back. And I feel like most men. But about fight, no, I'm justudging should be able to far from me. I don't care what you said. Girls, that's true, right, don't fire girls. Man Megan to this

day what she wants doing. That's closer. She farted in front of you. I don't know if I feel closer smell side, I would be shocked. Maybe she does, but her first don't smell. I don't think that's the Maybe she walked out the room you have, Actually you don't. She's seven years they were almost seven years, and she ain't done it yet. I haven't seen her go to the bathroom to take a number two or yeah, yeah, I wouldn't do in front of her. Yes, Okay, so

you've already opened up that man. You guys are discussing listen. I definitely like farted in my sleep and woke myself up, like, oh sorry, you can't help that, all right? Sorry, I think it's funny. I mean, it's not like you do it on purpose, is because that's rude. But if it happens, if something slides out, you have i'd you yourself up, talk you extra beans. But those things, I think that really signify how much y'all care about each other. Like when you can be who you truly? Are you far

in front of me? No, I don't fart. I don't know what that was. I been honest. We cannot act like we don't fight. I don't far. Yeah, him, he likes that actually with him. Just now, what about open relationships because that's been something that a lot of people have been discussing, and some people have admitted that, yes, I'm in a open relationship or I've tried it. What do you say the couples that are like, you know what,

we're in an open relationship. I really feel like, you know, I don't want to restrict them from doing their thing, don't want to be restricted from doing my thing. As long as we let each other know what's going on, and we agreed upon it. We're good. You know. It's Um. I mean, look, every couple has to do what they feel works best for them at the end of the day. Um,

it's certainly you know, as a slippery slope. Um. You know, you are definitely on some level playing with fire because I think it's it's it's near impossible for both people in a relationship, no matter what you're dealing with, to be on the same emotional plane. And no one knows how something like that is going to affect the other until you you dabble with it. For some it's easy to deal with. For others, you get into it and

next thing you know, Uh, nothing is is enough. So for those couples that choose to do it, I mean that's the right, it's their choice. Uh. Is it something that works for me? No, something works for Megan? No. Um, you know, to start introducing other people into our relationship. Uh, it's something about it feels very disruptive. Um in a way that when I think of the long term, it would be very destructive. But he thinks that the consequences

because the consquince STI didn't have an open relationship. So this happened. Next thing, I know the other woman is pregnant. That's why didn't. Worst case, that's what happened. I was in the open relationship, I left it for two and a half years, and then somebody else popped up with

a baby. And the reason that really it wasn't even the fact that she was pregnant, because clearly that's one of the consequences that can happen if you're dealing with other women, she could possibly get pregnant, And it was the fact that he lied to me about it, Like

I couldn't. I could take the fact that she was pregnant more than I could take the fact that he wasn't honest to me when I knew facts that this lady was pregnant for him, and I confronted him about it, and he still denied that this lady was having his baby. And it's like why I at this point that was

crazy than a movie, isn't it? The things that we end up going what happens if you bring more a lot more to the table than your significant other, Like as women who are working, sometimes we aren't gonna date guys that bring the same amount to the table or bring all of that, and we end up you know, bearing a lot of that. What is your advice for something like that? You know, I think it's twofold, you know. One.

You know, when Megan and I started dating, there's no doubt that even though I was you know, when we started dating, I was an executive at Sony Pictures. You know, I was doing fine, but she was doing better financially for me, I didn't think anything of it. I was like, this is great, you know, to become one. I mean, we both got more resources. I never thought less than or more than. I was like, cool, this is what we're bringing to the table. Well, let's say it's significant different.

So so what I would say, Well, well, I think it's I think it's important one um to the men because a lot of times men have this problem, you know, And I think what it is is there's there's an insecurity. Uh. And that insecurity is that society says, to be a man, here are the things that fit in that box. You gotta provide, you gotta be the breadwinner. And if you don't, most men that don't feel bad about it on some level.

And that is what produces the insecurity. So if a man has a problem with what a woman makes is because he feels like, how could I ever live up to that? What a woman or a man makes is not a measure of the person. It just isn't so to me. I think it's important for any man to feel comfortable one with all your woman brings to the table, not just in financially, but professionally, personally, so on and so forth, and and accept it. Don't say, oh, you know it makes me feel worse. No, she chose you.

You chose her that you should be like, great. The more she wins, the more we win. Now here's the other part of that. That same man has to steal put themselves in a process every day where they don't just freeload. They don't just get by because they know the woman is doing better. No, no, no, you still you still got to get out there and stay on your housetle, do your thing so that you can bring as much as you can to the table. Again, not

about finances, but it's about effort. It's about energy. And it's like listen, I'm not just gonna benefit you know, and not put in as much as I can from from an energy and from a mindset standpoint. Now, for a woman, I think it's important to not think, oh, because I make more money, that means I have more, say, you know, or for a man that's making more money. In a relationship, it comes down to if I'm choosing this man and this is what he's doing, do I

accept him for who he is where he is? Or am I accepting him and I want him to become different? And I think that's where the change comes in. If you met him and he wasn't really you know, applying himself in life, and he kind of was, you know, half doing it, then if you love him right there, don't then love him expect him to become different? Right? And I think that's a hard truth because sometimes we

see potential in the other person do it. He's got to want to jump on his own, he's got to want to jump on his own, and he's got to have his own motivation in life. Uh. And if he has those things, then then great. We all want better for the people that we are in relationship with. However, we have to make the decision do we love him as they are? And if we don't, then it's important

to identify that before going further. Now, I want to ask you this um and this is gonna be our last question, because I know you're doing a lot of promo right now. Um, so let's just say we were very serious about wanting to settle down and get married. Right. How soon are we supposed to discuss these things when we meet someone, and what are some indications that this is the type of person that is a master I think we should answer when we do it first, and

then he should tell us that we're doing it wrong. Okay, go ahead, But I got a third all right, so if we I talk about it right away, like first date, this is what I'm looking for in my life, not from you necessarily, but this is what I because I don't know you know what I mean. But yeah, I want to have kids. I want to get married. I make that clear from the first date. Damn over a cocktail. Yeah, but I'm not saying that it happen to be with

It's just like period. I think, don't wait wait. I think that I would wait until I knew that that was a person I wanted to be with in that way, and then you know, unless it just came up in your real conversation. But I'm not gonna be on the first day, like Okay, so my life goes is married rich I think more if you're having a conversation and it's like do you want more kids or do you want kids? But I do want to get here you

thin if you like it better? Like that serious. I just felt like you should talk about things like what you want like period as soon as you can, because I don't want to even if it's my friend, like you don't know, we might just turn out to be friends. You know what I want? Oh well, I'll talk about it on the podcast, like that's just something that I do like. But it's not like I'm sitting down like okay, so I'm like, you know right now I want to be married. It's just like you nice to me to

like not my name is with my rings? Yeah, several different questions and talk about several different things, and then that will just be one of the things like yeah, you see the newsday down it's crazy. I want to get two kids. I think for myself, it's not something I think about right away until I feel like there's potential,

like do I see myself even liking this person? Because but if I don't even like you, you know, and also marriage, this is gonna sound bad, but it's not like on the top of my listing priorities sounds bad. And I'm in a relationship, but I don't even felt like they remember, yeah you did feel like that, And I'm in a relationship and I'm everything is cool and smooth. For some reason, I'm just not thinking about it, which

is good. I mean I would I would defer more to what you all have said in terms of you know, you're evaluating. So for that first day, you don't even know if you like the brother, So give it some

time before you make it. Once you make the decisions, Okay, yeah I like him, then okay, great, now you know, before we go further, I want to tell you some truths and what I think because a lot of times, if you don't even know if you like him, you could be wasting all this on somebody that doesn't even need to know all that they're not even worthy even earned the right to know all the things that you may want to share about where you're going and what

you want out of life. So I think it's important to give it, you know, a period of time evaluate. Uh, you know, look at the situation. Is this the right person who is leading with the master, What are their commitments in life? What are their what are their goals? What are the ambitions? Earlier today I did, UM, after I saw you all did a interview and they asked me, you know, what are the two you know questions you should ask on a date. And I said, you know

for women and I said, are you married an kids? Um? But you know one? UM? You know, what are your intentions and where are you going in life? And I said, I said. The crazy thing is like right now, if we call an uber or a left we go down and the first thing we check is is it the right car? How do we know it's the right car because we put in the destination. If we're going getting in a car that's going to the wrong destination, we get out. It's the same thing dealing with people. Where

are you going? What do you want out of life? And if that's not where we want to go, don't don't don't get in the car, don't get this uberpool then make it six stops before seriously, seriously, So it's important what a man's intentions, where is he going in life? And then is that where you want to go? And if it is great, then go through the process get to know one another, date, see where it where it leads,

but give yourself time to evaluate. You mean, after three days you may say this is not even the right person, and then you just block them and just never Oh my god, you have to block somebody, I do. Why do you block? Because they don't stop hitting you? Like they don't I'm tired, crazy, And even when you block them, if they know somewhere where you are Saturday stalker, Yeah, that's riding by the way, but you think about i'd be places like the juice bar or something like that.

You people where to come. Fine, everybody knows I'm at It's my year at the juice bar. We go to the juice Bar all the time. So it's like you, you know, you just trying to do some weak grass in your eyes and run out. Y'all keep coming to it, just fans you're buying something. He keep looking. But certain things are red flags, like if you're on the first date, like somebody who's too touchy. I know, yeah, don't be trying to kiss my cheek. Don't touch me, don't do it.

Y'all know. I had like a date from hell. The guy kept trying to like kiss me and like hug on me, and I'm just like because we were out before, but with friends and then I don't know whether he thought we had this amazing connection. I thought he was cool. I was willing to give him a you know, a date, like out of it and trying to finger she's dragging. But when I tell you, I know, red flag. This

was the red flag. As soon as he came walking up, he went to lean and to kiss me, and I was like, whoa like a suple hair shake will do, because I don't know why we'll be I don't know. Another bad sign is somebody who's on their phone all the time. I feel like, if you're on a date, seeing you gotta put your phone away. Yeah, somebody like it's it was contagious. Like my boyfriend he was always on the phone. Yeah, so I was on the phone

because it's like, who am I talking to myself? But now it's a habit of my like a bad habit. Let's break that. I'd be like, come on, let's put our phones away. Yeah, I mean I put that in the book. I mean, you know, social media phone use is can be a date and relationship killer because it's a fundamental communication that spending time this time with you is not as important, and so I just have to be managed. I mean, we're in a world where they

are part of our lives. So you know, it's like, okay, cool, we're on this date. While we're at dinner, we're putting the phones away, right, Okay, god it so we can plug in when or when we get home. We're gonna watch this show, but we're not gonna use our phone. Whatever those rules are. Everybody has to figure out what works for them, but it's important to have something. She'd be on the date playing video games. I'm like, now, think about like when I'm at her and we're watching

a movie, I play a game while I'm watching. Can't you just watch the baby? They or something I can't just focus on, Like I have to watch both. I'll get bored if I'm just watching the movie. Yes, yeah, unless I'm in a movie theater, because I'm not gonna be ignorant with the light all Brandon, That's the only way you could get me to like look at the TV. And that's it. Like, if not, I'm on. If it's

route to the waiter, that's another sign. Yeah, that's a huge. Yeah, how you see people that's right, but especially people that can't do anything for them. You know, what if he tries to go Dutch on the first date? Yeah, I thought about, like nag flag it comes to I'm like, na, that's that's nah. Bro. What if he pays but asked you to leave the tip on the first date? You know what I would say in a my during since

that's I would say, okay, that's a good exception. But because if it came up and you offered and you're like, he's okay, cool, that's cool. But I think if you're taking a be prepared to take and the tem but if he doesn't leave tip, that is a good sign that there's a problem that he doesn't properly value you know, people and service and whatnot. That's class. But do you think you should look at the receipt just the check

to make sure be doing that. I just like to know because sometimes I side before, like, you know, you gotta leave him a little because I definitely I leave really good tips, and so I do and I hate that I do that, but I always do check because outside a little extra. I was out with my friends and um, it was we were celebrating the birthday, had a little dinner party, and since it was a large party,

the gratuity was included. But I still slid the waitress. Yeah, I know, I'm a pain in the ass in the restaurant because I need extra this and low ice and this and that, and you know I ran her a couple of times. So I just felt like the gratuity it was already included, just wasn't really felt so bad for dropping your ice on the floor. You know that. Well, listen, we appreciate you show much divine for coming through and helping us out with this book. I know we asked

you a lot of our own personal questions. It's just like a free session for us, so we don't sendscription appreciate and I do want to say, like for the ladies, I have seen all of our growth from when we first started doing this podcast and what our thoughts and views on relationships were to where they are now. And I see a lot of that reflective when I read a book like this where you discussed that, and I can say, oh I do do that, Oh I do do this. It makes me feel good. That's some things

we gotta work on. Of course, we yes, we are all works in progress, but it's comforting to know that we are growing. Am absolutely thank you on so much. Thank you. I was about to say the same thing, thank you for right now. I've learned so much so far, and honestly I haven't finished it yet, but I'm about this and I can't wait to get to the end. Why do you think that it's a lot more women kind of reacting to this than men right now? It's just the nature of books, you know, I mean, just

the book industry in general. Women by the majority of books, especially, you know, in the self help you know genre. It's just it's just it's just the way it is. How do we get men to read more? This is? This is how this is this The way it works is that women read the books, they start talking about it. It gets to a point where men hear about it so much to engage, right That's that's how it's It's

kind of reverse, but that's how it works. So for me, especially with this book, you know, I'm like, all right, you know, I'm gonna go and do everything I can to get men, but let me make sure women are part of this conversation and so doing, you know, conversations like this is so important, and the more that women take hold of this book, we're gonna get to the place where eventually men get it. And there are some men that have already reached out want information or getting

the book. So there's a lot of men out there who want help, and I think that's what's great about the opportunity for a book like this. There's a lot of men struggle and when they see another man, who again I haven't I don't have it all figured out, but when they see another a man pointing the way,

even sometimes secretly, they reach out. And there's been a lot of men that have surprised me that have reached out to me personally, um to get help or to find out what they can do because I've written the book. So it's important to bring them both in the conversation. But because women by the majority of books, you're going to see a book like this initially be found and read by more women. Women. It reminds me of a movie.

What was the movie making within that? Yeah, I think like a man, because the guys started reading the book after they've seen those women going after it, so that that's absolutely right. Yeah, I think like a man. I know, and now I gotta go see you. What is it? Um? What? One and one? What do you want to be able to read a man's mind? Yep, yes, dangerous, even if it wasn't something they lasted forever. But think about the things that you think and think. I don't want to

read a woman's mind. Maybe they can all kind of random. Yes, man, no man, no man on this planet could handle knowing what a woman thinks, and no woman could handle what it mean because you'll be thinking some weird things. Probably I think you all could handle better than we could handle on your thoughts because we know what you're thinking, because not even not even just that it's it's just that a man, you know, our pride, our ego, could

probably be hurt so quick. But you know, I think I think on some level you already think men think a certain way, so yeah, you're kind of it. But I think for men, you know, we're raised to think, oh we're the same of the universe. And then to know woman's thoughts it she ain't thinking of your back, would be like, man, I know he's not talking me crazy. I like, baby, I love you. I don't want to know. That's a good idea, but we had so much time with you. Thank you so much. To Man, we really

appreciate it. Thank you. I appreciate it as well.