Why Feeling Behind in Life Might Not Mean What You Think with Melissa Gendreau

Welcome to Win Epiphany with Tiffany. I'm your host, Tiffany Kelly, and this podcast is for Christian singles who are ready for honest, Jesus-centered conversations about faith, singleness, emotional health, your community and yes, Even dating. If you enjoy this kind of space, please follow the show, share any episodes that you have enjoyed with your friends, and connect with me on Instagram at an epiphany with Tiffany. You can also find my seven-day devotional sampler and other resources

in my link tree in the show notes. Now grab your favorite snack or drink and curl up with this episode and you might just have an epiphany of your own. Hey y'all. Um I have Melissa Gendro with me, and she is an Iowa native and the founder of forward path with Melissa. After years as a therapist, Melissa felt called to transition into Christian life purpose in marriage coaching. Where she now helps individuals and couples discover humble confidence to embrace their God given purpose.

Strengthen their marriage and move forward with clarity, faith, and intention. Her journey from clinical therapy to faith-based coaching brings a unique blend of professional insight and heartfelt spiritual guidance. So thank you, Melissa, for joining me. Thank you. Is I'm I'm happy. I'm happy with to start w this whole new little transition of my brand.

with a therapist because I also come from a therapy background. So I feel like this will be a really good conversation. Um, but yeah, let's just kind of start with The question of how have you helped clients um through hardship or um if they're ever feeling like they're kind of left behind, like what does that look like in your therapy? Yeah, absolutely. Um, so I work with uh teens and adults from all ages. Yeah. So i uh that's a topic that gets discussed really at kind of any age.

development. Um, because I think there's times we all feel like we're behind in some area or another where we um far too often make comparisons with Same aged peers or with, you know, the neighbor down the street or unfortunately social media, um celebrities. All of the above. Um, and so a lot of times I'll have clients that'll come in and you know we'll say, Well, I'm not as far as long as I probably should be. Or

You know, why hasn't this happened yet? Or uh what's wrong with me? Um and a lot of times the the first place that I start will be uh the word should. Um it's It's kind of a dirty word. Um I my clients usually know that when uh we are talking and if they say should, they like, oh, oop. Sorry. Um and the reason for it is because uh should is this obligation and duty.

But it's arbitrary, right? So it's this arbitrary obligation and duty that we put on ourselves. And it so for my Christian clients, um, I'm really able to say, like, uh unless this is scripturally based, right? Like un unless whatever we're s like should be doing is We can clearly find it in the Bible. And and then actually it's better for us to switch that to must or have to. Um'cause sometimes we also use should as a way to get ourselves out of things. Right. Like true.

I should read my Bible, right? Like when in fact we really if we switch that to should like must and have to, um we would uh maybe follow through on it a little bit more. But when we do the should, and it's completely arbitrary, um, where you know I I should be married by now. Um, I should have this raise. I should whatever. Um And we don't have anything to actually compare that with. With with what? Um, because everyone has

their own path, everyone has their own timeline, and everyone has their own pacing. Um, and I think that's the biggest thing to try to help. any of my clients who are struggling with the the time based questions, right? And it's trying to figure out, okay, so What do you actually have control of? Right. Like is there anything that's going on that's in fact hindering you?

From whatever it is, right? Like if we are talking in this instance, uh, dating or having a spouse or any of those things, right? Are there actually some things that you're doing that are legitimately hindering this process, right? Yeah. Um How are you presenting during dating? Um, we can even back up. What's your profile look like on your dating apps? Right. Like are there are there tweaks? Are there things? Um and then more in depth. Are there

Are there character things that you really could be focusing on? Um are there areas that are um insecurities? Are there areas that uh you're emotionally or spiritually immature? Right. Are there things that are going on in your life that It would be really positive for you to be working on those things, uh, regardless of whether you have a spouse or not. Um you know, and then it's important to look at the what it what's outside of our control, right? Like

There um you know, I I've had clients that were uh truly amazing human beings. Um and the fact that they were In their late twenties, early thirties and had never been married yet. Yeah. There weren't any There there weren't any clear things that we could say. Yes, this is why. Right. Yeah. Um, and so with those, then it was really just trying to help them.

Be okay with the idea of being single for right now or for whatever that looks like and embracing. Um embracing what are they able to do as a single person? that somebody who's attached actually isn't able to do. Um you know, and I think there's a lot of times there's the, you know, grass is always greener idea. Yeah. Um But truly, if a person is able to look at uh the things that you can do as a single person, specifically having to do with personal growth.

is so much easier when you're not married. Right? Because Um it's a process and it's not an easy process. Uh and it tends to bring up a lot of hurt and a lot of past pain and a lot of emotions. Um and if there's the ability to be able to then, you know, w if you're in my therapy office and then go home And you're probably a little raw.

And, you know, needing time to be able to process that. Or, you know, if you're reading a really great self-help book, or if you are really diving into scripture or doing any coaching, right? Mm-hmm. The ability to have the time and the space to be able to process all of that. Yeah. Really, truly a gift. Um And within that, then there's there's gonna be some there gets to be experimentation.

Right. There there gets to be the shifts of you know, what am I interested in? What do I want to pursue? Uh, what's the latest hobby I would like to? see if I'm passionate about. Those are not nearly as easy when you are also navigating your day-to-day schedules uh with somebody else. Uh so there's the ability from that standpoint to uh to get to be selfish, at least with your time. Um and and that is a freedom that again a married couple doesn't necessarily get to work.

You just have to navigate it in a completely different way. Right. So trying to really flip that script. for some of my clients um to be able to help them see how working through the time frames or working through the hardships um can be a positive while while they're single.

Mm-hmm. Hey, you bring it like there's so many good points in that. Uh but it made me think of a couple of my friends who um actually went to five different weddings last year. And so um three of them in particular well, actually all of them were long, like they had been single for a really long time. But um Two or th two or three of them in particular have like reached out and we just had conversations and they're like, I didn't realize I was gonna miss this.

you know, or this other thing. Um obviously they're super happy with their spouses and they're loving being married. Um, but we've been able to kind of have those conversations. To be able to touch on And think about, oh, okay, yeah, you're right. Like I get to do this, I get to travel, I get to go hang out with whoever I want to, you know, respectfully, obviously, but you know, I get to make all these decisions and don't have to necessarily worry if it's gonna affect somebody else.

Mm-hmm. You know, where like when you get married, you can you know have to take that into account. You have to take your spouse into account. So you don't get to just do those things. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So anyway, that is just like something that I think we as singles really forget or don't know because we either it's not talked about. Cause I feel like I haven't had that conversation with many other married people that I know.

Um, or at least they present it like, oh, well, you just don't know. They don't really give like an example of how it's different. Right. Yeah. Well, I'll give I'll give a personal example for you, right? So my husband and I have been together for twenty three years. We've been married for eighteen. Okay. Um it so long time. Uh I love doing art. Right. Like I I love to draw. I love to sketch. Um, I would love to be better at it. Um,

And uh I have a ridiculous amount of art supplies with the interest and joy of wanting to be able to do art more often. Um However, I we also have two kids. So I, you know, work full time. Anna married and have two kids. I love all of them, right? Like I I wouldn't want to replace any of that. Yeah. However, there's this big part of my life that I would like to be a big part of my life that at this time frame is not at all able to be a part of my life. Right.

Where I can I can try to schedule in little brief amounts of time. Um, but that gets complicated. Um, and unfortunately, like I don't actually have a space in my house that gets to be like just for my art stuff. So if I am going to, you know, have an artistic whim where I'm gonna, you know, pull out a whole bunch of stuff. That means we don't get to eat at the dining room table. Um, that would be way easier. If it was just me and then I was like, ah, whatever, I will then just eat at the bar.

Right. Um so it's same thing having to uh realize that just the the random things like right, the random hobbies, the random um interests and things that you would maybe want to do. Y you maybe just don't get to in quite the same way. Mm-hmm. That's so valid. And like you even mentioned too, the grass is always greener, right? We always have this idea that It's gonna be better once we have insert thing here. Mm-hmm. You know? And I don't know, I guess like

How do you kind of handle that in the therapy session? Like if you have I mean, obviously respectfully to your clients. Sure. Yes. You know, like if hypothetically. Um, if you had like a client that was just like so stuck on um You know, it has to be this way. Like they can't get past that.

um all or nothing thinking. You know, like what how would you walk them through that? That's that's an interesting question because I I think honestly, that's an area that our our society really is struggling with right now is the all or nothing thinking. Um, I mean, we see that kind of anywhere, right? Like so if somebody doesn't agree with you, then obviously they believe the complete and total opposite. Um and it you know it's um For one, it's not helpful. Um and

most everything in life is nuanced and there's context to it. Right. Um, and so a lot of times with my clients, if they're, you know, kind of doing that black and white thinking or a little bit more extreme, more rigid thinking. Um I'll ask them to come up with all of the other potential options. Right. Like make them come up with more. Right. Um, you know, they might say, Well, no, my plan was to be married at 30. And You know, they might be twenty nine and a half. Right.

And so then it it's going, Okay, well so that's one option and m maybe that will still happen in six months. We have no idea, right? Like you could meet the guy tomorrow. It that right. But what are the other options? Yeah. What are the other potentials? And it usually the first thing that they will pop up with is, Well, then I'm gonna be single forever. And the answer is well but we don't know that either. Right. Right. Um is that a possibility? Mm-hmm. Maybe.

You could also meet somebody in, you know, a year from now or eighteen months or three years or Whatever. And as soon as I start coming up with different timelines, you can see the Sometimes the frustration. Um and it's interesting'cause the frustration sometimes comes from um I'm not really one that allows pity parties. Yeah. Um, and so because I'm not willing to uh let them sit with the

uh the what was me attitude. Um and that is not to say that it that the situation all by itself isn't frustrating or hard. So it's it's not to minimize that. Mm-hmm. But there's not it it's not going to be beneficial. to then go to extremes and it's not going to be beneficial to then um settle on this other potential that w we don't know that that's gonna be true either. Right. Right. So it's helping them to understand that, um

There are so many other potentials that we just don't know. Um, so we can say, Yep, I understand that you would have liked that timeline. So what if it doesn't happen? And that tends to be the next part, right? Like so yeah, I'll offer all the options. Like what what could be all the options? And then we go, okay, but what if? What if that doesn't happen? Then what? Um and a lot of times it

A person just doesn't necessarily want to think about that. Right. Like we tend to go to extremes, right? And not really any different than w if a person says, um, if they messed up on something and then they go, I failed. Right. And it's go, okay, but did you fail? Like what would have actually had to happen for you to fail? Um and but we have these really big words. And those words get really loaded.

But we don't actually take the time to process what that word means and what it would mean in this situation. We just it it just is there and it's uncomfortable. And so we just don't think about it. But then that just makes the emotion bigger. Yeah. Um so, you know, the idea of well if I'm single until, you know, again, this magic age of thirty or thirty-five or whatever the, you know, magic age has. The idea of anything beyond that becomes that big loaded

word or idea. Um and doesn't really want to get uh processed or discussed of okay, but what if? Mm-hmm. Mm. That's good. I feel like I just went to therapy for a second. Uh it's so true though. Like I mean I'cause I have friends that are like different age ranges, you know. I'm in my mid thirties, I have friends that are in their forties, I have a couple of friends that are in their fifties. Um you know, and so it

It's just really interesting to like see the perspectives as they've shifted as the longer somebody's single. Right. And then how much hurt comes with that. Mm-hmm. And so I guess like the next question would be like how would you kind of help somebody really walk through that?

those stages of hurt and grief,'cause really that's what it is too. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think the I think the biggest thing is having to figure out how do you name the grief, right? Like name what is the specific thing that is hurting right now in this season. Right. Um you know, so I'll have I'll have clients who are let's say they're in their

Mid to late twenties, right? And you know, they they have tons of the tons of the friends that are getting the engaged, right? Like that's maybe the I guess we'll say the the first wave of marriage seems to be right around now in the, you know So truly for them sometimes then the grief is because this is the first time that they're actually having to w they're bumping up against that. So it's kind of this

almost newness of it and not knowing how to process it. And so it's kind of the first wave of maybe what's wrong with me or what am I missing out on or how come not me? Right. Mm-hmm. Um So that tends to be kind of my the mid twenties-ish, right? Mm-hmm. When I have my clients that are more in their thirties, mid-thirties. That one's a little bit of a different population because um

Not that this one is not that this one is easier, but it it this age range does allow me to be able to do a little bit of comparison for a second. Um because That also tends to be the age that now they're also having various friends who are getting divorced. Mm. Right? Yep. And um Those are the conversations I'm able to talk about with some of those clients in that process. And being able to help them understand.

Truly, why a lot of people are getting divorced. And the majority of the people who are getting divorced, at least right now. Um, and it's interesting because why people are getting divorced now is different than ten, fifteen years ago why people are getting divorced, like when I first got into therapy. Yeah. All the reason for it is um Truly because they didn't get married for the right reason. They got married and there's this current kind of trend of getting married for someone to love them.

Mm that's the focus. Mm-hmm. The problem is. that ache and that hole and that loneliness doesn't actually get filled by the spouse. Mm-hmm. Right. Um And, you know, especially then for my for my Christian clients, it's the reminder that, you know, we We were all created with a God-sized void, right? Yeah. And only he can fill that. And he is to be that that priority, that number one spot. So we create dependence on him.

Mm. Right. When we don't have him in that primary spot and we're not having dependence on him. Mm-hmm. Whoever or whatever we have in that spot instead, we're gonna create dependence on them. Mm-hmm. And that's not a healthy place to be. Um And so it's it's the ability to be able to then talk with that age range, um, in that, you know, mid thirties, to be able to describe, um All of the all the pain.

that those um those divorced individuals are having to deal with and it kinda just this different and it's so Again, it's not to go, well, their life is worse, so get over it. Like it's it's to help there just always be perspective, right? And it's really during that time frame, it's then figuring out um what has been their growth process. Right. And what is the purpose of them wanting to get married? Right. Like, is it

because the idea sounds really lovely? And is it because um you don't want to just feel left out or, you know, is it w what is it in comparison to Is it that idea that you want someone to love you? Is it that idea that you want Um you want to be wanted by someone and pursued by someone. Um and while those aren't Bad things. If that's the primary reason for getting married, it's not actually going to go well anyway. Um

Especially if you have two people that that's the reason why they're getting married. Um you're gonna have some um pretty hurt people. Um And then you had kids. And that gets real hard. Um, because especially when you have babies, um, babies do need you. Yeah. And they will love you unconditionally because their life depends on it. Yeah. So if the woman got into the marriage because she wanted to be loved. Well, now she has a newborn that'll do exactly that.

And that causes a whole bunch of problems. Right. Um, or if you have a husband who was wanting to be loved, that's why he got married. And now all of a sudden you have baby. And now wife is having to take care of baby and baby is priority because again they need that for life. Um Husbands can get a little bit resentful. And and then you end up having this dynamic that is complicated and not healthy. Um, and issues ensue.

Right. Mm-hmm. So so it's it uh so much of this is perspective, right? Um, and it's really having to name what's what's the reason and what's the focus of the grief. Um When Uh when it's my clients who are maybe in their forties and um they're either um still single as in they've never been married before or they've been married and divorced and now single again. Um

Some of this, you know, in the 40s, especially if we're talking women, but men too. I've had this with guys too. They feel like um they focus kind of on the timeframe where if we are going to have kids. W we're we're kinda bumping up against time. Yeah. Um

And that one's a hard one. Um,'cause in again, all of these, the grief is real. It it's not like any of these aren't true or aren't factual or any of that. It's just how do you process it and it's just different. Um And so the some of it is just having to um again name the grief and then it's figuring out what would acceptance look like. Um and you know, so also recognizing the, you know, come what may. Um, again, we don't know, right? Like so.

You could be forty seven years old and you know, you turn the corner at a bookstore and there he is. Um and it doesn't mean that there aren't, I mean, now we live in an age that there's all sorts of options, right? Like there's There's adoption, there's all sorts of things. Or, you know, if it's someone who has been previously married and has kids of their own, like, you know, f family right now is um

There's a lot of different options, I guess. Um So it's it's walking through what is specific to them and why is whatever the grief that they're struggling with, why is it important to them? Why does it hurt different right now?

Um because sometimes we again we're We've gotten better and maybe too good at focusing on the emotions of things. Mm-hmm. And we've really Uh, we really backslid on recognizing what are the thoughts associated with the emotions. So true. Yeah, I like I've been processing that in my own like personal walk. So I that's why I was like so true. Uh because I keep

Like God has me on a little bit of a journey right now. Obviously, that always happens, but my specific journey right now is like part of it is retraining my thought patterns and like being able to when I have whatever the intrusive thought or negative thought is To be able to stop myself in that moment and go, no, this is not factual and this is not true. You know, this is what's true, right?

And even after like four or five days of already well, it's been longer than that, but the in the first four or five days of this year, I noticed such a huge difference in how I was even carrying myself. Yeah. Right. And just being able to go, uh, you know, like that's not true. I don't need to hold on to that thought anymore. While it's still like the

emotion that brings it up is still valid, but or that it is brought up by is still valid, but I don't have to hold on to that anymore. I can let it go. Mm-hmm. You know. Yeah. And a big thing, so all most of my clients will Um they will tell me that in between our sessions they will they will hear my voice saying, Where's the evidence? Oh yeah, that's good. And it So it's also even a reminder, I think, to

Like how do emotions happen, right? And if a person is able to think about it from an equation standpoint, so you have a a situation or an event, right? And then based off of that situation and event, you have a thought. Mm-hmm. Based off of that thought. Then you have an emotion. Mm-hmm. And after the emotion then you respond. Mm-hmm. So Again, we've gotten really good. And I I really think too focused on the emotion.

And, you know, naming the emotion and identifying the emotion and how's it feel and where's it feel in your body and all of those things. Which that's not bad, right? Like it it is good that If the very least it's information. Mm-hmm. But what we've forgotten to do is then walk back one step and to go, okay, but what was the thought that I had?

about the situation. And is that thought true? Where's the evidence that that is true? Mm-hmm. Do I have all of the information? Mm-hmm. And Is my thought based on this particular situation and event, or am I bringing up past situations and events into this too? And is that actually relevant in this situation? Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. Once we're able to make that true and align and be able to tease that apart.

The emotions often will kind of take care of themselves. Especially if you focus on the thought. And this is where there there ends up being some pretty differing views and opinions currently. Um and it's so Our our body will keep score, right? Like our our body will remember those emotions. Yeah. Um And it's not it's not that we shouldn't still give that, um its own space, right? Like we we should acknowledge that. At the same time, we can we can talk ourselves back into the emotion.

if we're focusing on the emotion. Right. So an example that I, you know, will give er let's say that I am home alone. And I hear this like crash bang outside of Outside the house. Okay, yeah. So that's the situation. My thought is Oh my gosh, is somebody trying to break into the house? Right. Right. Um, okay. And then so my emotion is going to be a lot of fear and terror.

And then, you know, my response is probably going to be to, you know, first be sheepish and, you know, hide. And, you know, then try to work my way up to looking out the window. Mm-hmm. Okay. Well, what if I now realize like I finally got up in the courage and I look out the window and it was a raccoon that knocked over my garbage can. Okay. So I now have new information. Mm-hmm. Right? I now have actually all the information I need.

To be able to change my thoughts. Mm-hmm. And then to be able to shift my emotion. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Right. But here's the thing. If I think again about how scared I was. And how fearful I was. and how it felt in my body. And where I felt the fear in my body. I can actually talk myself back into being just as scared as I was before I knew that it was just the raccoon. Mm-hmm. Right. Where and the emotion was valid. It it was r absolutely real.

But it wasn't justified. And so when we give emotion too much weight, an emotion that wasn't justified, we're gonna stay stuck in it. True. Yep. That's very true. And so yeah, so lots of times with um With kind of any situation, it's important then to make sure that we are focusing more on the thought. And again, this is where I think society wants to go, the, you know, black and white, either or rigid mentality. I am not saying don't pay attention to your emotions.

I'm I'm not saying don't acknowledge them. I'm not saying don't understand them or figure out how to take care of them. Mm-hmm. But I am actually saying that your thoughts are more important than your emotions.

And we have a wide variety of Bible verses that reinforce that. Um, you know, so Um you know I I think The the mental health field. Um Well, the mental health field by and large is um incredibly secular. Mm-hmm. Right. It is majority. Secular. Um, which then means uh therapy best practices. are not at all going to be rooted in scripture. Mm-hmm. And it so anything new and trendy that's coming up, um from you know the mental health sphere, uh, it's really important that we are um

that we're testing that against scripture. Um, because so often, um, just because it sounds good. Right. a cool new therapy jargon to go along with it, um, doesn't actually mean it's going going to be helpful or beneficial for you and certainly not God honoring. Yep, that's partly why they got out of therapy. Yep. So that is um so I have, you know, been a therapist for 15 years. Um

And that process has been an interesting one where how I was taught in grad school way back when is um not at all how therapists are taught now. Yeah. Um And you know, the the focus is different. Uh the process is different. Mm-hmm. Um And, you know, um I have done therapy in nonprofits. I've done um secular nonprofit, Christian nonprofit. Um, and then the last five years I've had my own private practice. Um

And then in private practice, my prayer has always been, God, this is your practice. So I will do it for as long as you tell me I'm supposed to. Please make sure then that I don't have any clients that are actually going to um cause me to go against your will. Hmm. Um, so you know, different states have different laws. In the state of Iowa, um, as a therapist, I'm not allowed to uh say no to a client because of my opinions or faith. Oh. Hmm. Yep. That's tough. It is indeed.

Um and um, you know, the last couple of years th just the mental health field has really um swung more secular and more worldly and more divided than ever before. Um and and so for Christian therapists, um you know, I my my hat's off to a lot of'em who are maybe in states that they're able to be a little bit more open with yeah. Views and things and all of those things. Um And um but yeah, so in the last year, um God has kind of um told me

Okay, now you get to expand. Um, and and so that's where he uh has told me to shift into coaching. Um and really the beauty of coaching and I think the difference, um from a mental health therapist, from a coaching standpoint, is the starting point, right? So the starting point when it comes to therapy is generally going to be mental illness. Mm-hmm. Um, so it's it's some component of a person's life. Um, they're not able to function well because of um

either um major distress, like situational distress, um, that's hindering or hampering, or um, an actual brain something chemically is not going well, right? Um So the starting point is um safety is

uh security is uh steady, calm, right? Like that's that's the starting point. Um and then the shift hopefully is to go from mental illness into mental health. Um And that one even gets a little bit complicated because, you know, you can have clients who um they would really like and want to be your client for a long, long time.

Um and it's it's not that there aren't always things you could talk about, right? Like that's like there can always be growth in those types of things. But um one of the areas that I think people kind of forget about is Um for their Well, for insurance to pay for it. Um, there needs to actually be medical necessity. Yeah. So as a therapist, you have to sign off on medical necessity. Um So for that to work, you're having to say that your client still has a, you know, mental disorder that make

therapy still medically necessity or ness you know necessary for them to pay. Yeah. Um yeah, it gets a little bit different if a person has private pay or out of pocket or, you know, any of those types of things. Um Coaching the starting point gets to be different, right? The the starting point is um a person who is already healthy. They're they already have mental health. Um, but they want more. Right? Like it's it's the ability to step into abundance, into growth. Um

And that's exciting. Right. Like it's it's exciting to get to see the transformation of a person. Right. Like, um You know, there's it I guess for the for the practitioner, right? There's different levels of fulfillment in either in both of them. Like mm. But the roles are so different. Um in in the one it is to You're having to be the emotional steady in the room. Mm. Right. Um, and with every client that I have, I have to be a little bit different for that client. Right.

So my presentation is a little bit different. Um, how I How I talk with them, how I, you know, how I can ask questions, all of those things have to be gauged on how are they doing? Um, what's their level of um health or fragility um either that day or their current state, right? Um Where coaching gets to be the opportunity to see somebody flourish.

Right. Yeah. There's the ability to be able to push a little bit more. Um, not unkindly, but it's not any different than, you know, if you have a fitness coach, um if they never push you. at all, you're probably not gonna see real good results. Results. Um and so there's the their ability of that. Um So I even when it comes to um, you know, people listening to the podcast or, you know, doing any of those things. Um

It is good to pay attention and to really even think where are you personally? Right. Like are you in a place where yes, therapy would be really helpful and really beneficial? Um And, you know, there's the need to have that emotional steady for you so that you can um you can find steadiness, that you have the ability to um let somebody help in that way. Mm-hmm. Versus um if you're a person that, you know, has done processing, that has done growth, that has done some of those, um

Coaching might be more the way to kind of look at it and way to go. Um,'cause the focus just gets to be different. Um. And, you know, there can be just um different goals and you can see just different levels of growth. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think that's a beautiful way to put that. Because there in my perspective, um like going through school and I did my undergrad at a Christian university, but then did my grad school at a secular college. And so seeing those vast differences and how

All that came together. It was really interesting. And then like working in all of these different secular um places up until now. Like I'm now in a private school. Um, but as a teacher, not a therapist. Um which is a whole other thing that's super fun. But um You know, being able to like go through those different experiences and kind of see How do how do I live in this box that is like extremely secular and but still one honor God? Um, but two, like be able to help my clients, right?

Right. And then like now that I'm out of that and now that I'm teaching, it's so funny and a bit ironic because I'll catch myself like running through these different scenarios of like, okay, I've done this with this client, but this is a kid and a student. So I can't really like use the same jargon, but how can I help this kid? You know, and so it's been pretty funny to see like how God's worked that out and to be like, Okay, I have all these skills that I can use.

But now the the clientele is different, right? Right. And how I'm gonna like work with this child. to kind of help them grow and develop and here they are. And then I don't have to worry about talking about God. Like I can preach at them all day long if I want to. Right. And not have to worry about it. So I'm glad you said it that like explained it that way because I think it's sometimes to those of us in the millennial generation, um You know, who we've been fed the

The like you gotta break the curses, which is so true. And I think that we are a generation of curse breakers, but at the same time We've got like you said earlier too, we've gone to the f the extreme and it's like too far. Yeah, we have to bring ourselves back like kind of to the middle ground of How do we do this without being in therapy forever? Like where is our our tipping point to finally progress through to something different? Mm-hmm. And I think a big one with that is

Truly the difference between um if a person ab is able to recognize the difference between being a victim of and a survivor of. Yes. Right. Cause the situation is the same, right? In in both situations, yeah. the the event doesn't change. Um it's really just the view. of how are we going to respond after it, right? So if a person is a victim of um

And I think th there ends up being such a stigma against using that term. And for one, there ends up being the, oh my gosh, how dare you victim blame? That's certainly not what I'm saying. Um And it doesn't even have to be like for a person to be in a victim mentality, it doesn't even have to be a woe is me, this happened to me, any of that. Um What I'm actually seeing right now, um, and and truly this actually seems to be happening more in my Christian clients.

Um, and I am seeing this even whether I'm talking therapy clients or coaching clients. Um is they will use their they'll use their past pain or past hurts or past trauma, whatever, you know, situation or words we want to say. Um And they will use that as not o not necessarily their testimony, right? But they will use um how maybe God brought them out of that. But now their identity is this this person that God brought them out of the past. And that's where they stay though.

Yeah. Right. Where it's um obviously important to glorify God in the things that He does. And it it's not that we shouldn't acknowledge the hurts that we had and the traumas that we had. Um But we're also told that we are to be a new creation. Mmm. And when we are giving God the glory, it shouldn't just be He brought me out of this. My testimony is, you know, a um a child in an abusive home and God brought me out of it and, you know, or um

you know, somebody who God brought me out of a divorced marriage or right, like any of those. But that's where their testimony stays. is right yes, the the glorifying thing, the wonderful thing that God helped them through. But it shouldn't be a period in the story, right? Like it's now

Acknowledging what he did and then being able to shift and pivot and go, and I'm so excited for what's next. Right. Um, and to be able to shift into that. And that then keeping that testimony, that past testimony, actually ends up being a victim mentality without realizing it. Right. Like it in um the interesting thing is I will hear lots of clients that will actually describe that as a growth mentality because, you know, God brought me out of it. Like you are absolutely right, he did.

But you're still telling the old story. That's good. It's so true. Yeah, and i verses. if we're able to view it more as the survivor of, right, it it then is still given glorif you know, it's glorifying God. It's giving him the credit for it. And then it's again the focus on and next. How can he use me because of that? Not that he caused it to happen.

um maybe allowed it to happen, but now how can he use it? And where next? Um and the growth mentality is the and where next. And that should really be more the focus. Is the next steps um where um The the interesting thing right now, and again, you know, pendulum swings and you know the extremes happen is There's a strong desire to want to make sure people are real. Um, want to make sure that people are genuine.

Which is completely important. And especially now with AI, it's important to make sure that people are actually, you know, have their legitimate credibility and it's not just an AI prompt that created the course. Um but But with wanting people to be true and genuine, we seem to want to then keep everybody in this I'm a map. mentality. Mm. Right? Where if a person if a person claims to be doing well.

Somehow it's gotten switched, flipped on its head to well obviously they're suppressing their emotions. Seriously, why? Right. Obviously they haven't pat they haven't processed their past trauma and they are um disassociating. Oh, okay. Or It can actually be true that a person has put in the time and the energy and the effort and is growing. And we're supposed to be growing. And again, the opposite isn't, well, that person never has a bad day, right?

We're not really supposed to focus on that. It's not that it doesn't happen. It's right. Okay, what did we learn today? And then how can tomorrow be better? And if we string a whole bunch of those days together, how much further down the road would we be?

That's valid. But we have to allow people to be okay to be okay. 'Cause right now the trend is it's okay to not be okay. Right. And it's not that we want to like shame that. Of of course it's okay to not be okay. But then the opposite of that has turned into Well, now it's not okay to be okay. And then you have a whole group of people that want to be genuine together in their mess. And they and the the problem is then you hold on to it. Yeah. Like I actually have quite a few clients.

that one of the hardest things for them in growing is being willing to acknowledge to other people they're growing. Oh Yeah, okay. I can see that. Cause the worry is, well, they're gonna think that I'm bragging. They're gonna think I'm not honest. They're gonna think I wasn't honest before. They're gonna think that I was exaggerating my problems.

Mm-hmm. Or for some, again, if if their whole Usually social media, if their whole social media presence had been wrapped around their anxiety and living with anxiety and dealing with anxiety. They no longer know who they are when they're not actually struggling with anxiety anymore or not like they were. And so I've had I've seen people then sabotage. Mm-hmm. So that they stay in the spot they were because that's how they're known. Ooh.

My therapist used to love to call me out on that. She was like, You're creating your own chaos because that's what you're used to. And I'm like, You're right. I I'll tell my clients, I'm like, Why are you picking the baggage back up? We already put it down. Yes. But it's true and we see that. Like we even see that in scripture, right? Absolutely. You know? And it's like why are we why are we doing the things that we know that we shouldn't be doing? And

Yeah. That's that's a whole other tangent that I won't go down right now, but um I just checked the time. So I wanna let's wrap this up into a beautiful little bow. Um What are like two practical tips? that you would give a single client right now? Or use me as an example. If I'm your client, what are two tips that you're gonna tell me to do for

I don't know. To I guess the what next part. Yeah. Um so two tips that I would say. Um So I would encourage anybody, you or anybody that's in, you know, current state of singlehood, um, to use this time as an opportunity for personal growth. Um and so the two areas that I would say focus most on. Because if I were to reverse this, the the two areas that I see married couples struggling the most in is selfishness and immaturity. Ooh, okay. So for my single clients then.

It is focusing on what are your areas of insecurity. Mm. Make sure that those are things that you know. What are the what are the what are the sore spots? Right. What are what are the insecurities? Um, whether that is physical insecurities, whether that is character insecurities, uh relationship insecurities, um So because getting married isn't gonna make those things go away. It will just amplify them in different ways you never experienced and anticipate. So

Because of our insecurities, that's where selfishness comes in. Um in selfishness is maybe not quite the right word. Um if I were to switch it, it would be um egocentric. Um'cause there's a difference, right? So it's yeah it it tends to be more um the the the immaturity aspect. Um, where it's not that you are saying you're better than somebody else, which can be a little bit more selfishness. It's more forgetting that you're not the main character of everybody's story.

Yes. And so when a person has different insecurities. Uh because we tend, right, like in whatever area you're insecure with, the the worry or the fear or the assumption is that everyone is focused on that insecurity with you two. Right. Yeah. And and that's how then it turns into being egocentric. And focused on yourself, right? So if there's the ability to be able to strengthen those areas, right? To be able to decrease your insecurities.

in in whatever areas those are. First you have to identify what they are. Um and then come up with what are ways to be able to grow in those areas or view them differently or, you know, whatever the thing is. And then it's recognizing how because of those insecurities. Are you then believing that you're kind of the main character of the story? Right. Yeah. Do you see yourself doing that in friendships, in at work? Um

You know, in you know, look back at past relationships that maybe didn't work well. Right. Um Because now here's here's the positive. So l let's say somebody never ends up getting married. Right. Um Working on these things. will always be beneficial whether marriage is a result or not. Mm-hmm. Because these are the things that are likely causing you distress on a day-to-day basis. Mm-hmm.

So if these are the areas that you're able to grow in anyway, there's never going to be a time that you're disappointed that you worked on this. Right. And at the same time, if then God does bring someone into your life, you're already in a better place than you would have been had you not worked on it. Hmm. So true.

That was perfect. I have no notes. Um, where can everybody find you on the social media or otherwise? Yeah. My website is Melissa Gendro dot com. Pretty easy, just my name. Um and then on all socials it's forward path with Melissa. Awesome. Okay. I will also drop those in the show notes. Um that way everybody can find them. And I just wanted to say thank you for joining me. It was a pleasure talking with you. Thank you so much for having me.

Yeah, we'll have to do it again sometime. Absolutely. All right, Epiphany tribe. It's been fun. See you next time. Thanks for listening to An Epiphany with Tiffany. If this episode encouraged you, please share it with a friend and take a moment to rate and review the show. So that more Christian singles can find these conversations. You can stay connected with me on Instagram at inipiphany with Tiffany and

You can check out my seven-day devotional sampler and other resources at my Linktree, which you can find in the show notes. Until next time, I'm Tiffany and I hope you just had an epiphany.