Want An Emotionally Secure Relationship?  Ask Your Partner These 8 Questions

Hey there, everybody. It is Saturday, April twenty fifth, and we have a very fun episode for you. I happen to stumble upon an article from a Harvard trained psychologist, I'll give us some love. Doctor Courtney Warren is her name, and she says that there are eight things that couples who are emotionally secure regularly talk about it And she talks about these subjects with the question a way of

Yes, is it? I think if people know that's the goal, do we think? Don't we just want to feel good? Somebody needs to come be my partner to compliment me. I'm saying, I'm not challenging you. I am saying, is that really what people go into relationships wanting? These?

I think they don't know to maybe use that language, But that is ultimately what we're seeking because for those of us who have had some ups and downs, who have had some relationships that haven't ended like we hoped they would, that's all of us, Yes, exactly.

Even if you've been married forty five years right now, correct, your relationship didn't end the way you thought it would.

Yeah, And even if you have been in a marriage for I don't know how many years, is it a successful one?

How do you define success?

And I think a lot of people would define success, yes, by how connected and.

Close you feel to that partner.

How much can you trust them, how much connection do you feel with them? Can you lean on them in good times and celebrate with them back in good times and recognize this is my person?

Don't Some people define success in their marriages. They're still together, they never cheated on each other, they raise kids together, And isn't that success? It's just not about right I'm saying, isn't our level or our bar for success in a relationship? It seems to me robes lack. Sometimes the happiness quotientrect doesn't matter how happy you are. It means how successful you are based on longevity, Like, how well do we put up with each other.

I feel like it does get to that point for a lot of folks.

And I do think that there are younger couples who look at maybe examples they've seen from either their parents or other older folks who have been together for and they say, I never want that relationship.

I don't want my hear that lot.

Marriage or my relationship to look like that. And what is that that's missing. It's connection, it's communication, it's trust, it's emotionally being secure.

With one another.

And I think that's not something necessarily we're taught, but I think deep down it's what we're all looking for.

Tell me in the name of this this, okay, doesn't matter that the person is Harvard trained.

Well, it does add credentials, It does add some bona fides to whatever it is that she's saying.

So I said it was a University of Arkansas trained therapists, you wouldn't think.

Of I love the University of Arkansas and I love the University of Georgia. But it doesn't have the same ring on.

It's like saying I'm going to a Harvard football game this weekend. It doesn't have the same You're going to a Georgia football.

It goes both ways. It goes both ways.

There are certain there are certain things that universities might get more credit for than others, and Harvard would be probably yes, smarts, that's correct, right, So here are the eight questions.

That Wait, what's the it's the what Eight.

Things that couples who are emotionally secure talk about on a regular basis.

Eight. If you're emotionally secure, this is.

What you this and this is basically a guideline for relationships, like do you ask each other these questions?

Oh?

Wow? Doctor Warrence starts with the first question to build emotional security.

Wait a minute, can I ask you? Before we start? Do I ask you? Do we ask each other in the we're supposed.

To be thinking about asking each other these questions?

Yes, okay, have we Is this something we have?

I think I think in our own way of asking it. Yes, we do. Hit a couple of leaks, we know we do.

Okay.

The first one is they say life moves fast. Keeping track of each other's schedules can be tough. So the thing that you're supposed to ask your partner anything special today? Is there anything out of the ordinary happening today? Basically, you're asking your partner what's going on in your life today that I should know about?

And you and I do this regularly.

Okay, So thing one you should be asking to connect with is just not just how was your day? But how is your day different from the day. I'm used to you having.

Correct or yes, even when you're starting out the day, which I think you and I do this in the morning, you say, hey, anything going on?

I should know about? Anything special happening? Okay, we do that, all right, we do do yes.

Basically, what that's saying is you care about what's important to your part Oh. You're not just saying how is your day or how's your day? You're saying is there anything special happening today? Anything out of the ordinary happening today? Anything I need to know about today? So that just shows you care what's going on in your partner's life.

So that's the first one.

This mean you're laughing, all righty.

I feel like you you think I'm gonna let you answer this. Here's the second question, and there's a couple of variations. How can I show my appreciation for you? Another question would be what would make you feel supported today? How could I make you feel appreciated right now? You even have a stank look on your face right now. That made me laugh.

Because this is kind of about just showing.

Showing something that you're willing to do that your partner needs or dreads or would like, like I don't you know she hates taking up the trash?

Show me again?

How can I show my appreciation for How can.

I show my appreciation for you? If I if it at nine am, as we're working together in the morning, asked a sweetart How can I show my appreciation for you?

You know what I would say, Just give me a smile and tell me you love me, which you do, so I haven't had to actually have you ask that question.

Tell me the other things you could possibly ask them?

What would make you feel supported?

Hey? At nine am in the morning, I say, hey, baby, what would make you feel supported?

Just you being sweet?

Okay? What was the other thing?

How can I make you feel especially appreciated right now?

How can I make you feel especially appreciated right now?

Scratch my back?

I scratched you back, and I'm not doing it right now, so therefore I'm failing.

No, no, no, no, I'm saying this is something that I think you and I do and it's unspoken.

So we're doing well. Yeah, okay, So all right, number three, what do you got?

Okay? I like this one? All right.

So sometimes someone comes in, a partner comes in, and they're upset about something. I've had, something dramatic, traumatic upsetting happened to them.

The question that they.

Suggest, or that this doctor suggests you ask, is do you want my opinion?

Or do you just want me to listen? Why is that?

I knew you were gonna laugh at these I told you before we started, you are going to crack up at some of these questions.

Joke.

Oh. I think that's fair though, because a lot of women complain that that they're men want to fix things that they're always there to try, Oh my god, fix. Sometimes we just want you to listen and support and commiserate. You're a devil's advocate kind of a guy, which you inspire critical thinking a lot of times. But the idea of you asking me do you want my opinion or you just want me to listen?

That is funny.

It's combative. It's combative men. If you're listening. I know most of our listeners here women do not ask your woman that question. Why because it comes off as you're being an asshole. All right, I can tell you the truth. Or do you want me to just pander to your feelings? That's how it comes off, and you in an emotional state Robes would take it as that. Do you want my opinion?

Oh?

You just want me to maybe.

Phrasing it like that? Could the way you say it?

Matten, No, phrase it the way you just phrase it.

Here's a couple other phrases like they give you a different a couple of different ways of asking you. I hear you and I care. I know you love it when I say I hear you, I hear you, and I care. I have some observations if you'd like to hear them.

Oh no, fellas, do not do any of this. This is danger zone. Don't do any of this. Please.

Okay, here's another way you could ask it.

Okay, I'm listening.

Can I offer some feedback or do you just want to vent right now?

No? No, No, this is a harbor trained person.

I can see some value in that, Like, hey, I know I know that you always say I'm mister fix it, so I'm not here to fix it.

Do you do you want me to weigh in, or you just want me to listen.

Okay, this is what we have to do. We have to read that moment and not put you all in the position to where because it makes you feel small, because we're saying.

To fix all your problems. But if you don't want me to do I won't.

I can do this for you, or you just want me to listen to you complain.

If you are coming from a place of trust and self and like mutual respect, you could actually look at it as it being what it is. I do think that you should be able to read the room as to whether or not you should offer an opinion or not.

None of those are in my bank. You should never ask that of your woman.

The idea behind it, though, I appreciate, because the idea is not to just assume that you're there to swoop in. But sometimes people, and like you've heard people say, I just want event, I don't need your opinion. Just please let me say what I'm feeling.

What I'm saying. Let that person say that. You don't say to them do you want me to do this or you want me to do that, and then put me in the no robes you would never receive that. Well, if you were as hot as hell. You just came in. You had a difficult time with your girlfriends and you just had a sum falling out and I said, okay, you want me to tell you what to do? Or you just want me to sit here and listen?

That is always say it like that?

How do you phrase it? And the questions you just reading what you kill what I'm saying to me?

Do you want my opinion? Or do you just want me to lift?

Okay, Sweeart, that's say it again. How you just said it?

Okay, you just said something like so before you just said it. Do you want my opinion?

Or do you just want me to listen? I can do both or either sweart or not.

Never someone who is wildly emotional and you have to say do you want this or you want that? No, you all expect us to be able to read that moment and perform admirably. We just want support, So we shouldn't ask you all you want me to do this? You want to do that?

Well, maybe we could just add her ask like or maybe like make an addentist.

I should just say okay.

I number four? What's number four? Number four is getting killed.

I actually have asked this to you and you get upset. But I appreciate when someone asks this to me, how can I help? You don't like it? I do like it, Like I like when you ask that.

Okay, that's fair. I will concede that point to some others that do like that. No, I don't like it, And I say I don't like it because in the midst of my bad moment, of my pain, of me frankly not being myself, you having to stop me and say how am I supposed to assist you in assisting me?

Is true, But I also think it's tough to expect your partner to breed your mind, like sometimes this is.

Not a mind? No, how about this? You said how people say things? Yeah, you said read your mind? How about just know me? How about just trust?

Well, what if you don't know what to do?

Sweeart? No, no, no, how about just know me, love me, comfort me, support me. You keep saying know what to do, how to do it? No, no, no guidance, no, no, sweetheart, love me? That's it.

But if you said, I would say no, my god, you could.

You could just hold me, You could hug me. I could.

I don't mind guiding you as to what would make me feel better in the moment.

This is a disastrous episode. I don't know why you said we should do this. It's awful. So being a sitting right here, we're about.

To woman thing seriously, because I do think that women appreciate a man who said, how could I help you?

Like, oh my god, that's like music to my ears. But you feel very differently when you hear that.

Again again me receiving it, yeah, versus I'm not knocking anybody else for asking it. Yeah, oh yeah, Okay, that's a good distinction.

Yes, right right, yeah, yah, there's a difference. Okay, number five.

We're only up to five where yes, oh eight, this is gonna be great.

Five.

Now you have said this to me, and it's a little nerve wracking, but I understand that there's a a level of interest in wanting to go deeper that I appreciate. Can we make some time to talk, like you've absolutely said, like we need to talk, Like, can we find some time later today?

Because you and I have some things we have to get out.

And this is a good saying.

This is a positive it's a positive thing.

This is something that she suggests that you should be saying to your partner on a regular basis, because too many people sweep things under the rug, move on and don't want to discuss because it's better now. Intention And yes, they say, it could be a twenty minutes after dinner, a walk on a Saturday morning during a low stress We do this, yes, and we do.

We've taken moments like you take it.

You know that when you are in a certain state, it's not good to have a further discussion about whatever.

Set you off. So just to make the nod, like to acknowledge, we need to talk.

Finally, finally, something good out of this.

I don't I don't like that when my boss sends me that I remember like when I had an employer, can can I call you?

We need to talk?

That would always like send me into a total spiral like what did I do wrong?

Anybody any We've all gotten that message at some point. It freaks us out. But to your point, when things aren't wrong, when things are calm, is when you should say, hey, let's go to spend. Yeah, I'm okay, I'm with.

That all right.

So now we've got three more questions that couples should be asking each other on a regular basis if you want to be emotionally connected. When we come back, we will go over those final three very important questions.

Okay, sorry, we're back here on Amy See. I don't know if you all heard any of that from the commercial break, but we apologize if any of that infanity came through. But welcome back here. Ropes is going over the please. I don't know what the right way to say the eight questions. You should be asking your.

Partartner regularly if you want to be emotionally connected.

And so this is what she suggests couples should be asking each other if they want to have that strong connection.

Just the quick one through five for me again before we do the last three?

Sure one through five?

Anything special today? How can I show my appreciation for you? Do you want my opinion or do you just want me to listen?

How can I help? Can we make some time to talk?

Okay? All right? So that's the number six, which ye.

To number six.

And this is something that you absolutely have asked in different variations to me, and I will admit sometimes it makes me uncomfortable, but it leads to deeper conversations No, I'm not somebody who necessarily obviously has has had success being emotionally connected by going into these deeper conversations that I think you have pushed a lot of times in to the forefront of our relationship, which I'm appreciative of because it can be uncomfortable, but it leads to better understanding.

So number six is how do you think we're doing lately? You absolutely ask variations that.

Okay, I actually like that question. That makes sense to me.

Okayah with you, talking about the state of a relationship can be tough because we don't always want to be vulnerable. We don't want to rehash arguments that one, but checking in with your partner about their perception of your relationship is important.

That's just a basic check in that it can be uncomfortable. I like that, that's a basic check in. I like that's a good one. That should be at the top of the list.

And variations are is there anything that feels hard for us right now?

What feels especially good between us right now? You could go like just to.

Even just have what's working?

Yes, what's working between us right now? Let's have that conversation.

What would you say, what's working.

I think our communication is working like so much better than it has before.

How many couples say that?

Not many accessible ones do. I think I feel like we asked this every day, so.

I'm like, we've been on this one. Number seven, What would be fun for us to do together?

Okay, thanks, we can skip the number eight. That's all we do is talk about will could be fun?

So listen to this and this will make you feel better. She says.

The healthiest relationships are grounded in play and shared joy nailing it.

We are the best ever.

But we have never had a problem having fun together.

We haven't, even if it's something I drag you two or something you drag me too that we aren't initially individually. And yes, that's yeah, we're good there.

So the suggestions are it can be anything from listening to a new album together, taking a road trip, watching the next season of a favorite TV show, cooking a new recipe.

Together, all of that, all of it. So that's good.

We do that, so I feel really good.

That's probably our strongest question, the fun we nail every every day.

Okay, okay.

Number eight, what larger themes are you working through? And the other variations that are what's been on your mind a lot lately, or how do you feel like you've.

Changed over the past year.

The point being that these are long term relationship questions where you want to try to figure out and stay on top of the different changes or phases in life that your partner might be going through, because think about how much you change in a year, and if you don't really regularly check in five years, ten years, like all of a sudden, you might not even know the

I haven't asked you that at all. Do you want me to tell you? Want to tell me here now? Or we want to wait and talk about? Is that?

What larger themes are you? I think you do know what larger things I'm working through. I do because we've been working through them together. It's been about like self worth and identity, and I think you go through different phases in your life and I've been so focused, hyper focused on our work and on being successful in our careers and with everything that happened over the last three years.

I don't ask you that question, but it's an understanding and there is a theme there that I guess given our circumstance, we he Okay, we have addressed this without having to do that, right.

But you think about you think about like couples who communicate them are like, wait, you think that or you've been doing that. A lot of couples are completely disconnected, Yeah, with a larger thing you're working through, or what phase you're in right now, or what your long term goals are, not just from a professional standpoint, but from a personal growth standpoint.

So this actually made me.

I knew you were going to laugh at some of them, and the one that you laughed at the most was the one I knew you were going, wasn't it.

Do you want my opinion or do you just want me to listen?

That's why?

And how can I help those two things we're going to be.

Do you want to hear that from me in the midst of your emotion that you talk about sometimes that.

You know what I'm with you on this one, babe.

I do think like I'm just actually trying to really put myself in that situation and I and I kind of maybe this is unfair, But I just want you to know. I want you to know whether or not it's time to listen or time to weigh in. I want you to know that already I do without having to ask, right, that is what you have to know that. I think that question shouldn't be on the list. I think that question so I could be taken as offensive or like patronizing.

I'm not challenging this Harvard obviously, this Harvard professor at all, but that is the one from experience, that is you should understand. It can come off in such an awful way and again not taking.

It can be taken the wrong way.

It can be taken easily. That's the one that could eat.

It could be intended in the best of circumstances but be received very different.

But isn't it something you all want us to understand. You don't want us to have to ask, You don't want to have to tell us what to do. You don't want to us, you don't want to have to explain to us why you're upset. You don't want to have to explain to us why that thing we did was the wrong thing to do, isn't is it?

Or it's like you're just bringing your problem from work.

So you've got I say, I've got like some issue with a I don't know somebody at work, and I want to come in and tell you're like, my boss did this to me. And I think this is universal. I don't think this is a male female thing. I don't think anybody wants that person to tell you what to do. They just want to come You want you, like your partner, to commiserate like that.

Must have been hard, that must have been tough. How did you feel?

And then yeah, FM, like you want someone on your side, right. I do think that if any of us want advice, will ask for it.

And I think that's always just a good way. Wow, if you want advice, you will ask for it.

That's a good way to put it. And most of the time, when this is a true thing from men and women handle conflict differently. We engage in conflict differently, whether it's somebody at the workplace or elsewhere your friend groups. Men and women engage much differently we hear you all's problems and we don't wait, what do you mean? Like in our minds, we're like, this is the most ridiculous

We just want you to be on our side. Yes, all right, well we figured it all out, you know. We hope this helps, and we hope maybe it will spark some conversations in your own home, even if you want to see just how emotionally secure your relationship again, I'll just roll it them off right now? Anything special today? How can I show my appreciation for you? Do you want my opinion or do you just want me to listen? How can I help? Can can we make some time

I'm Amy Roebuck alongside TJ. Holmes. We will talk to you soon