One of our readers to our yachte column, Brenda. She wrote in, and she needs a little relationship advice.
Look, if you want to check out on Monday, we go through all of our advice what we thought about what Brenda should do dealing with a flirty, handsy ex wife who's also the grandma of her step grandchildren. So she doesn't have a problem with the kids, she has a problem with the ex wife, and so we gave our advice if you want to check out that podcast
if you hadn't heard that episode. But this one is fun because this is what the readers, This is what you the listeners wrote in to comment on Brenda's situation and give her advice, and.
I'll remind her what the situation was. Brenda did write into us Amy and TJ. My husband has grandchildren from a previous marriage, which isn't a problem. However, their grandmother, Betty, the ex wife, is always around. I've told him I can't teller her being there for things like their grandkids graduations. I can tolerate that, but not every time we get invited somewhere. For example, last weekend, we were at a birthday party for someone on his side of the family,
her ex in laws. Why is she there? And every time they meet, Betty is hugging and kissing on my husband. She can't just say hi and move along. I've asked him over and over to set boundaries, but he acts like he doesn't know what that means. I told him, I'm not comfortable going to our next event if she'll be there, and he said, okay, I'm going anyway. Really, what do I do? Signed Brenda? Our advice was, Brenda, you got to have a conversation. This is a respect issue.
Yeah, it's a respect issue. And so William C said this, if Betty is being invited by his family to parties and events, you can't dictate to the host who they can and cannot invite unless you're willing to accept the fallout. You can set boundaries with your husband, William C. That is exactly what you and I told Brenda.
Why did you start with that one? Like that's the best advice?
Right? I thought that was good, it was sensible, It was very true, and William C, we completely agree with you.
But you know, what's something key in there is that if the family is inviting her, they want her around. That was a big part of everything we discussed. She's probably been in that family decades, right, so if they invite her, okay, then I always told you there were two separate issues the X. Her being there is one thing. Her touchy fee lee kissy is another thing.
Right, and that's where the husband can set a boundary one hundred percent all right. Veronica wrote in and said this, Some people are just very hands on, no matter who it is, and some women can be deliberately trouble making and enjoying the thought that they are causing anxiety in other women. Veronica, I said the same thing. Those two
facts seem to be apparent in this situation. Unfortunately, the guy sounds as though he enjoys the attention and probably tells himself his ex still fancies him, which is very good for his ego, so he will not easily give that up. Veronica, we said the exact same thing. I'm really with your girl then too, when it annoys the other half enough to cause the ask to stop this behavior, he then feels a little guilty because he knows what he's doing is questionable, so then he gets defensive, a
nasty state of affairs for the wife. A strong woman might be able to counter this with some targeted barbes that put miss Nasty in her place, which is what she really needs. But we are not all so good at that. Things like this happen, and if it's occasional, it's tolerable, but if it turns into something weekly or even worse, then maybe removing the potential is the best fix.
Stop going to places miss Nasty will be. Cultivate new friend groups, hobbies, or whatever takes you away from that environment.
Okay, I had a lot to say with the last part. Stop going to places where the ex will be. Can you do that? Yeah?
Well, then you want to make where right, and then you miss out. If you love his grandchildren and they feel like family to you as well, then you're now you're missing out on your family. So that's kind of a tough that's a tough situation to be in where you then take the back seat because you can't handle being in the same room as the ex.
I would like to know how old Veronica is. Veronica hit it all. She did, like because I told you I didn't really understand where a woman's perspective, you immediately went to she's probably toying with the current wife correct, I do it. I never would have thought about it. Correct, But then my mind went to, yeah, the guy's probably enjoying the bag of forth Veronica hit it.
All some stuff in a lite, Veronica, Veronica, thank you for that. All right, We'll move on now to Jason. Jason wrote in with this comment, I am friendly with my ex wife. We were together twenty years, divorced for fifteen. She is invited to all my family functions and I to hers. We greet with a hug and a peck, same as I greet my kids and my female friends. My ex and I have never been intimate since divorcing.
It is clear we will never be back together. She has brought partners to these gatherings, as have I. New wife is insecure. While I respect her initial feelings, she is not respectful of the established family dynamic. This is her issue. So he's telling Brenda, it's your problem, it's your fault, your insecure.
Okay. What I didn't hear from him in his scenario was that he was married, and that his ex is married and they're bringing their spouses to these events. They say that we've brought dates like, I don't care.
I'm not dates are different.
That's totally different mindset. That's a good point was bringing a date so I get what he's trying to stay there. And you can have a great relationship with your ex and you could hug a kiss and be friendly when you meet and move on. But when you have a spouse who has a problem with seeing that or you doing that, then your priority is that how do you want to You know, it's so important to me kiss my ex, and I'm willing to upset my current spouse.
Yeah, and I think you know we've said this before, but this is about respect because different people feel differently, like maybe a different spouse wouldn't care, but she does, and so you have to give her at least that acknowledgment. She can work on feeling less insecure, she can work on tolerating more, but he also needs to work on
understanding where her feelings are coming from. And honestly, it's a sign of love if you if you don't really like somebody or love somebody, you don't really care what they're doing, the fact that she feels that strongly means she has strong feelings for her husband too.
I hate to sign this as a matter of her being insecure. I don't care how strong and secure you are and who you are what you do. Nobody wants to watch their spouse be intimate to a certain degree with the person they used to be married to. That is not just insecurity. Well you can't handle No, I can't handle my current wife watching her over there kiss her ex husband.
No, that's tough.
Call me in.
I think it's a problem for most people. I think it would be for sure. Yes, people are putting their own perspectives and their own feelings into it. But yes, I'm trying to step into Brenda's shoes and imagine what that would be like. Okay, next, we have Coco Mike thirty five years Oh, Coco Mile, sorry, thirty five years into a marriage. Here, this is what Coco Miles says
to Brenda. You married a man with grandchildren. Asking him to stop seeing them is ridiculously immature and selfish, and for you not to go, you will become Grandpa's crazy new wife, and the whole family will resent you if you start needing a separate event for the two of you. I see it happen all the time. The ex still hugs and fusses over him, does she hug and fuss over you. Maybe that's just how she is. Brenda didn't
say she did so. I feel like she would have included that if that were the case, he says, so, Coco Miles says the I don't see it as the man liking the attention. If that's so, he is as immature as the ex is. I think it is totally the ex showing she still has some kind of dominance. I agree with you. I would lay down some ground rules for sure, and if he continues to ignore you, I would consider leave.
This is from a woman, right, I can't.
Tell Coco Mile, it seems like it's a woman because she picked up too that the ex is trying to show some kind of dominance.
You said something there at the bottom that got my attention ground rules. Doesn't see it as him liking at tension this I does. She also hug and fuss over you. Maybe that's just how she is. We're trying to break down. We don't know enough about this. It's one thing if you see two people greet and they hug.
But she said he doesn't move on. She doesn't move on, she's lingers, she stays kiss. That's fine.
I would even say, for his sake, cut that out in front of your wife. Yeah, not the end of the world, but even something that minor, that's not necessary. Even a little hug, a half hug.
You can do a side hug.
The side hug in front of your wife.
Yes, And I think you could lay down that ground rule and say, hey, can we try this. It's going to make me feel better, it's going to make me more comfortable, and see if he would accept that boundary.
That ground rule with the relationship is that the woman is going to feel Why in God's name do I have to give you ground rules about how to behave in front of me with someone you were once married.
And that is why At the end, our reader tells Brenda that she should consider leaving. Oh my goodness, all right, So this one made me laugh so hard. Matt wrote this in Yeah, I don't get this thing. My wife and I are both from good old fashioned, destroyed marriages, and our parents still can't be in the same room together forty years later. Then there are our fellow millennials who are all still friends, hanging out with their exes, sitting together at kids' sporting events. I know divorce people
who babysit each other's kids from the new marriages. It's just utterly buzz are I like the old way better? This modern divorce leaves me feeling like these people didn't try hard enough to make it work.
Thank you for that, Matt. I like that, Like it's not it was a little funny, but it was. I think he nailed the way. A lot of people think it's okay to look at this and say that it's not okay, it's not how.
Yeah, he prefers it when people who are divorce can't stand to be in the same room as each other, because that's what's familiar to him. He knows how that works when it should be.
We've seen some scenarios like that before, where the exes and things and people get along. I don't think that's what we're talking about here, is that we're not just talking about getting along and being a part of a family. This is specific to not just her being there, but the behavior when she's there.
Correct, yes, it's and it's how she acts when she's there, and the fact that she's always there, like she doesn't miss one of her ex ex's family's gatherings, and so it's annoying to her that every time his family has anything, the ex is there.
Okay, we got a couple more to give you here. From one was from a guy who said that Brenda, you should only be taking advice from men on this one, and then another from a lady who told me and Roebock that we gave Brenda some bad advice.
Welcome back to this edition of Amy and TJ, where we are reading our reader's comments, their advice, Your advice to Brenda, who wants to know what she's supposed to do with her husband's ex wife, whose flirty, clingy kisses him, hugged all over him, and is always at every single event, even though it's not even her family anymore. So Nina two point zero came at us when she left her comment, and we'll read it because she told us, Wow, bad advice.
The advice should have been grow up. They are divorced and he married you. They were a family once. Get over it. I have a great relationship with X, and yes I'm at family parties and he's at mine. We have kids. That means we all get along and act like a large family instead of a single unit. So Nina thinks that Brenda needs to grow up and get over it.
I like, and this is where and I'm no, I always appreciate everybody writing in and this is where we try to do better with our discussions and in us giving people advice. The first thing you have to start with is not judge. Don't judge her for the how she feels and what she's going through. And this one just feels judgy. To tell somebody just grow up. It sounds so simple, and I've had to back off sometimes
on these things. And I've had specifically women tell me this because sometimes I ask for advice and I'm saying, well, you have to have the confidence to just go it's okay to just da da da, And you say, you say it like it's so simple, but just some people are different and I don't have that confidence. And I'm working to do that. Yes, what the solution is simple,
doing it is still hard. And to tell tell somebody in this position, who's I don't know what this woman has gone through, Brenda, with this marriage and even accepting the whole family, and it's been a lot, and tell her just grow up seems a little dismissed, seems.
A little judging, and just because you have a great relationship with your ex, that doesn't mean that that's the same for everybody. There are so many unique specific things to each relationship and how each relationship ends and how you figure it out going forward. I do think that you have to honor how you feel, and maybe you sit with yourself and you ask yourself, why am I feeling this way, and really really ask yourself, Could I
do something different? Can I make some sort of place or space in my heart for what their relationship was and is and not feel threatened by it? But if the answer is no, every time I see it, this is happening, like also understand that that might be a reasonable reaction. You know, we don't know what she's seen and what she's witnessed, so I just think, yeah, it's she can check herself and ask herself and really sit with it. But then at the end of the day, you kind of have to honor how you feel.
I just wanted to make sure we're now I've seen X situations be good before. Our guy, doctor Gardier, he talked about his family situation and how all the exes and everybody's hanging out. That's great, that is great, great, great, this is something else. This is something else when you're talking about not just the family mingling together. The ex sounds like she is doing too much physically and the husband is allowing it.
Agree.
So that's what I'm trying to keep the focus on what we should be solving it.
All right, Paul writes in this is our last comment, and Paul is very confident in his response. He says, this is an instance where you need a guy's advice, Brenda. The solution here is risky, brutal, but simple. Without saying anything. Start inviting one of your ex boyfriends to gatherings. Make sure he knows it's an ex. Gauge his reaction the
second time it happens, not the first time. If he's Nonchalantabou, I hate to break it to you, but very likely he has something on the side, or he may even be dealing with his X on the side. Either that or he is socially inept. Neither case is a win for you. Any man worth staying with is also able to tolerate direct confrontation on deal breaker issues. This is not high school, this is your life, So confront him directly when your heart feels stilled enough to take a hit.
If that scares you, you've already answered your own question.
Like it, you like it. I wouldn't have is that some of that are at the top. I wasn't necessarily on board with.
What I inviting one of your ex boyfriends.
That's hilarious, that's kind of funny. But it's very difficult to put somebody in that scenario. To you, how often folks said in an argument, reverse the roles.
Oftentimes the best response is a direct question with and then you just have to be prepared for the answer. You might not like it, but at least you'll have one.
Don't force them, don't scold them, don't ultimate it. Just ask a question, we get an answer, and then we'll have something to go on.
I like that, But I liked our readers' comments were very, very colorful, and we always appreciate reading them. We always appreciate you listening, so please check out the column Yahoo Life section ask Amy and TJ. But in the meantime, we want to thank you for listening to us. I'm Amy Robach alongside my partner TJ. Holmes. Have a great day, everybody,