Hey, folks, have you ever heard of an auto pilot relationship? Well? I have not. However, I have been in one with Amy Robot and didn't even know it. But here's the thing. You might be in one right now as well. You don't even know it. And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and Tsay on location. We should say, Robes right now, we are not work office appropriate right now. Necessarily in our attire, we're not.
Can we call this a workcation or a vacation where we decided to do a little bit of work?
I was confused by both those things you just said.
Is that because for Alice was playing behind you?
Wish I had to understand? Sorry, I have that explained to me. But but yes, we are on location right now because we took a little bit of a it is a vacation. But would you say you and I as a couple, you would you say we needed a trip and needed some time alone.
Yes, In fact, the other day you said to me, I need a break with you. But when you said that to me, my eyes got really wide, and you could see because the way I was interpreting that was I need a break from you. And I think you there's a Prepositions are important and you always choose your words carefully. I sometimes just hear worst case scenario or whatever. But you recognized it in my eyes, and you said, I didn't say I needed a break from you. I said I needed a break with.
So where in that count? Where in that one sentence did you tune out to the point that you missed the most important preposence.
When you hear your boyfriend or the man you love say I need a break, you immediately just go into a full on panic. No, you hear nothing else, and then you and you're like what and you go into Panickmoge're like what what did I miss? Like?
Wait? What?
So that actually happened? And as soon as you clarified that I had not paid attention to the preposition.
What would you say, well, relief, Why would you say we needed a break? Why would you have said it? Well?
We have been So we went from a year ago to just kind of reintroducing ourselves to or our relationship to our children, to this past year constantly being with them all the time. So and it's been great. We have been with either Sabine or Ava or Anna or all three or a combination of a few all summer long. I don't know that we even had like a date night.
Can't shake them.
It's been awesome, and also it's funny just from where we were. It's like, wow, one of those not be careful what you wish for, wink wink, but one of those things where it really has been awesome. But we have not had as much alone.
Time, so U and anybody that follows us, we just seemingly had a trip not too long ago. I kin'd of remember when Rome was when itally was, but that wasn't too terribly long ago. The weird thing we recognize we only plan trips for ourselves now around when all the kids are going to be busy doing something else, right, they have to be otherwise occupied, and so we had to kind of are are we only made those two trips because of that.
Exactly, And I would say, like, funny enough, we are together all the time, but we're either we were with the kids or we were working, and we were working a lot, which is great. We love to work, but we didn't just get to have like us time like
it's been an interesting thing. I've never you know, we worked together and we are in a relationship together, so it is a and we were friends before as colleagues, so it's a strange thing, like you've got the work relationship and then you've got the romantic relationship, and the two actually don't coexist. You know, when we're in work mode, it's not about our relationship. It's just been an interesting thing.
So when we feel like we've actually said to each other, I miss you and we've been together NonStop.
We might be in an autopilot relationship perfectly. Or maybe I set you up.
I was going to go sorry, sorry, No led me in the direction you knew I would take care.
No, you are right in all of those things. I am not familiar. I hadn't heard the concept, and it it's not necessarily what you would expect when you hear autopilot, but there is a thing out there that people argue an autopilot relationship is one in which the relationship now becomes secondary, that it's almost an afterthought that you are now going through your You're in a rhythm, a routine,
and not just that you're stagnant. You're not going anywhere, You're not getting any deeper in your relationsip, you're not falling anymore in love. You're just where you are. And the other part of it is that they say, robes, you're always putting on the appearance that everything is okay, wow, that everything is pert we don't fight, and oftentimes you don't because you just don't even care. You're not focusing on the relationship, so you're not fighting and getting at
each other, none of that stuff. You're just going through the motions of a relationship. They call that an autopilot relationship. Now does that sound right or familiar? Make sense? I should say it totally.
Makes sense, because yes, you're having to put the needs of your children or the needs of putting food on the table ahead of, yes, the romantic relationship, and that makes sense. And I think that happens to probably most people. And it's been an interesting thing because a lot of times when you're putting the food on the table thing, you're not doing it together. You're doing it in separate offices, and so you have time apart. So you can see
how that also feels very distant. And we're even together, and it still feels it's like it's not us, it's work us, And there is a difference. And I hadn't really thought about it until now you can.
We can be sitting right next to each other and it's still possible to feel alone. A lot of people can relate to that. I'm not saying that's how I feel with you or have felt with you, but this concept was interesting, and it's interesting that we got to the point we are. This is only a blessing, but the thing we have fought and fought and fought and fought and fought to get to, we got it, which is everybody's good. The kids are good, it's easy, everybody
is happy. How celebrating birthdays together, trips to get all this stuff is so great. But with that comes now a co parenting situation that we have together that causes us so oftentimes to be focused on things other than our relationship. And your mom would say, we are making a mistake.
Exactly, And you know, and I always appreciated that it was not always easy to hear as a kid, because it definitely put me in my place, so to speak. But it actually makes so much sense having just said goodbye to my baby Annalise, who is minimally texting me at this point for anyone who'd like an update. But it seems like you only hear from them when things are not good. So no news is good news or just like short small yes good those texts mean that
everything's actually fantastic. But with that yes it is, it is absolutely on brand unless something, unless something's gone wrong. I get monosyllabic responses. Yes, but I would say, my mom kept always reminding me you you know, yes, your children or your children forever, but truly they live with you for eighteen years and then they're gone. And if you look at the entirety of your life or the lifespan of a marriage or a relationship, that actually can
pale in comparison. And so if you haven't invested in or continued to try and reinvest in your relationship, the kids are gonna say bye see ya, and what do you have left? You have to remember that that actual partner, the spouse or whoever that is actually the person who you'll spend the most time with. The older you get, the more that's the case.
How many people would go along with that thinking that my relationship comes first and everything else. The kid I was always fascinating, and I think most people don't say it out loud, but your mom was like she shouldn't give a damn about saying being bold. This is first my relationship. The relationship has to be first.
They always told my brother and I that they absolutely.
Did, and you all are secondary. Sounds kind of strange, but the priority has to be the relationship and the couple first. Yeah, I don't hear that enough. I like the idea, and we are just now experiencing something together where we are. We have the list, I mean go through I was trying to go through it earlier with you. What was first? Annalice had her big.
Birthday, her eighteenth birthday on her last day of school. She had prom two weeks before that.
All that was ourgely huge, big big deals, lots of parties. Yea walking through the streets of Manhattan with big balloons, looking silly all on her behalf correct. Party gets thrown. She had graduation, another big party, a.
Very big party actually.
Ava then came back in with you for the sum.
From Berlin and then Yes, and then moved back in for two months because she had to sub let her apartment to make it make sense while she was in Germany studying overseas. So then she moved back in with us for the full two months.
So then we got Sabine has been all she had camp this summer, but she has.
Been when she came back catch at the hip all summer.
And that's wait. You and I talked about this plenty. Everybody else doesn't know. This is as good and it's happened great a relationship I've had with this kid ever and we've always been closed, but now it's I feel it is a codependency, it's all. It's a weird thing where it's we are just in our groove. But that means that you and I are parenting her or dealing with or you know what I'm saying. I go to
take a pics to what I'm saying there. But she's now something that's on our mind constantly and has to be factored into our day. We've got marathons we're training for. A lot of people don't know that we are being busy with some possible opportunities coming up that we have actually been in negotiation with and talking about. That's very exciting and moving forward, we're going to be doing a live event in Chicago that we're planning. Yes that we'll
be able to give you details about that soon. All that you put all of it together. We have been boom boom boom being this or that to a bunch of other folks. We've been business partners. We haven't done a whole lot.
You just the two of us, and we've been together NonStop through I think in I think this entire summer. I believe we have spent two nights apart. And by the way, that was the only like eight hours we weren't together. You know, so we have been I can't think of another human on this planet who I have spent more consecutive time with and still feel like I could say I miss you. That is crazy but true.
But should that be the case, It shouldn't be the case. We spent this much time together. So we were we did this trip. We were saying, we need to spend a little where we do. We need to focus on enjoying ourselves and trying not to we still get pulled here and there for a whole bunch of things. But look we I think what they call the vicious cycle that so many couples they put on this appearance that
they are perfect on Instagram. You see all these things, and then some other person looking at that, whose relationship isn't perfect. It's looking at it and go, wow, my relationship must be a disaster because theirs it's perfect mind doesn't look like that. And so then what do you do in your relationship? You go overreact, say this is not the person I'm supposed to be with. You don't go put the work into it. And I don't know.
I don't want to be that. I don't think everybody thinks it's all incense and candles with us, but we are dealing with this like everybody else. We stopped making our relationship a priority. I think is fair to say yes.
And then the first day we actually had it just be the two of us as we're traveling. It wasn't a great first day. I think sometimes the anything that's built up that hasn't been verbalized because you haven't had the alone time to actually have true connections, it all kind of comes out in whatever way it does. And so the first day was a little right, but we're good now.
But I think it was rockier than the lotion waves.
There doesn't that happen though, Like the first day vacation, you're just if you haven't spent time together. Finally, it just all comes out and you just have to take a deep breath. And it wasn't how I would have wanted to start the vacation. But in a way, maybe it was a purging or a cleansing.
You needed it. I didn't know.
You needed it. Yeah, yeah, I think you did.
I didn't know I needed until you let me know I needed it.
I just pushed the right button. What can I say? There was one button and I pushed it. But so yeah, and then you like it does that happen? Like how many other couples can relate? I feel like the first day of vacation might be a little bit of a purging process or a cleansing process.
Where are we doing great? That morning we were to the air. Everything was good. Yeah, everything was great.
Well, it was a couple of things happened. And then this is this is.
Kind of just funny, but this is why. And again a lesson to you all. And I thank my dad for this. He was always early, to the point that he annoyed the hell out of my mom. Always growing up, we are mad early everywhere. He would rather sit there and wait for thirty minutes than to rush in and be thirty seconds, leap and.
When you have anything go wrong at the airport you are, or traffic or whatever happens, you're so grateful that you don't have to stress about missing your flight.
So here we go, folks. We robes booked the flights. She booked the trip, and she often does. Everything goes fine. But she didn't attach my TSA PreCheck number when she made the reservation. Okay, fine, not a big deal. We got there pretty early.
It seemed like it. But it's you know, it's about a thirty minute deal. It can be, and it was we it will and then well, wait, it can be.
But it wasn't a big deal that I didn't have TSA pre check on this one. Fine.
I told that about it. I felt guilty because I was like, crap, if I had just put I didn't realize if you didn't put it in afterwards, that that somehow you were automatically banned from getting TSA pre check. I didn't know at the time I made the reservation. I had to put it in. I couldn't go back and put it in later.
I thought other airline, this particular airline didn't allow.
I thought for sure it would have been fine.
This is again, this is not a big thing.
Okay, but just so you know, I'm feeling a little guilty right now over that. Yeah I did. I was like, oh, the TSA pre check thing, yeah, because it was my fault.
Oh baby, that was nothing. Tsare again. Make sure everybody understands here. She booked our fight and when she booked our flights, she just did not attach my TSA pre check it. And okay, I wasn't available to get don't do that thing.
I didn't do it. I was like, I'll do it later. In my mind, I'm like, yeah, we'll just put that in.
Like I didn't have it available.
I should get that in my phone though.
Anyway, the point being, we get there, I don't have TSA pre check. That's not a big deal. I gotta get in the regular line.
Fine, it wasn't terrible.
This is fine, but we stand in line for it. Decent amountains ray. Okay, Up, she goes through first right with your yep. So she's about to get in the security line. I hand the guy my info and HM. Instead of just handing me my passport back, he hands me a white piece of paper that I've never seen before, with a lot of writing on it, which is directing me to get out of the line and go to the airline help desk.
It's always how you want to start your vacation.
I have no idea. The guy had no idea. So what's the problem, he said, I don't know. You got a flag. They won't let you through. I said, but what he said? That's not my thing. The airline said, there's a problem here. I can't let you through, so we have to get out of line.
Yes, So we walk all the way to the help desk and there's another line. It's quite long. At that point, I look at my phone and I actually thought to myself, thank God be left as early as we did, because I knew we still had two hours before our flight was taking off. So I was like, okay, we'll get through this. And you were calm, and I was calm. I even't like I put my arm around you. We were like staying, they're hugging each other. We were good. We were just being calm. We were like, we're going
to paradise. Where we're going. We're fine. So we get up to the receptionist eventually and she is fixing it all and like seems like it's no big deal. She takes this passport, and then teacher said, may I ask?
And I had.
What was the problem, man? I mean I was curious too. The problem was whoever entered your birth date instead of saying nineteen seventy seven entered nineteen ninety seven, and so it did not match your passport and I clearly made the reservations, so it was completely my fault. So not only did I robb you with the TSA pre check, I then got us flagged or got you FLA because I entered your incorrect.
Birth year, and then we have to go back and get in the security line.
Now I'm so my state of mind is I'm thinking, oh my god, because I pride myself on getting things, you know, doing those things. And then I know you're we're all into details, and I was like, I let everybody down. I just cost us now a solid forty five minutes. It's all my fault. I'm feeling totally guilty.
And TJ walks up to go ask this kind man who's standing in front of this back entrance to a line so we don't have to go through the whole line again, to explain to him why we are allowed to go through this back way because of what happened, and in my haste of feeling so guilty like I need to fix the situation, I just jumped into the conversation and completely interrupted it was. It was as rude as it gets, and I, because I was just like so wanting to fix it, I made it worse.
I was fine, do you know I have I have worked on this for years and years, But at that moment, there's nothing I could do but surrender to the moment. And there's nothing that me getting upset was going to lend itself. There's nothing to get on to you for. I know you felt bad about it. There's no reason to make you feel worse. It's not like I hope you learned your lesson or I'll just do it next time. No,
that's Dirk behavior, don't. It was nothing. And because I always insist that you wanted to get there early enough, there was no problem. There was actually no problem. That was just inconvenience. That was where my head was. Here she comes to save the DA.
And then everybody's irritated.
Oh yeah, and then they got but there there goes. It wasn't just a moment we've had. I think we only fight about one thing. And like doctor, our good friend, doctor Jeff Gardier, always says, it's never what you're fighting about, it's how you're fighting, Like it's how you're communicating about money. It's not your problem is not money. Your problem is not this, it's not that. It's how you're communicating about this and that. And we fail sometimes to communicate about things,
but we have an ongoing thing. It became a became a theme. And then we're not even talking on the plane and all kinds of foolishness. And I talked to the flight attendant born and I talked to you in that flight. That is true, for sure. They were pleasant as well.
Had you had your AirPods in the entire time too.
And hear you want to hear the funny part about that.
You didn't have anything playing.
My AirPods ran out of battery power, Like.
Well, okay, so when your partner puts AirPods and you're like, so clearly does not want to talk to me. You weren't talking, So I yeah, I actually slept a little bit on the plane, which I never do.
Oh, I didn't even know. I didn't look your way.
I know you didn't.
They were laughing about it. Now.
I just want other couples like we have laughed at other couples who are invites clearly when they're traveling with kids in distress and YadA YadA, and we have laughed like, oh, look at those poor folks, they're upset. We were those people. We were those people. It wasn't there was no like anger. It was just like it was just but it's real and it happened and just took some time.
And we're here and that's it's been a hell of a summer and it's the thing we wanted most. We got it. Everybody's good, the kids are good and getting along, and everybody's happy that we got it. But with that comes more focused on things other than our relationship. We can do both, but I can't. It sounds I guess some people would be dismissive of it or think it sounds awful. I just love how your mom always talks about it and says, the relationship is the priority. This
is first. The relationship is first.
I mean, it does set an example, and it does teach your children you know that if we're good, you're good. There is a security to it in a way, and I appreciate it, and you have to have somebody, you know, I think to have that mindset, you have to have both partners have that mindset. And I think unfortunately for me, maybe perhaps my mom gave that to me and then there was an expectation. So, you know, because I do believe in that, and if you don't, if the other
person doesn't, it's not going to work. You know, it's tough, and I know a lot of couple struggle with that. You know, where the children fall in the priority of your marriage, it's it. And so when then when your kids go up and move away as you hope and want them to, obviously, even though it's sad, you do get a reality check. And right now I'm getting that
reality check. Like, I love my girls, They're always going to be a big part of my life, but they are not the people who I am going to be with twenty four to seven for the next forty years.
You know, would you say, or is it offensive? Will you ask a parent what their priority is in that home? Yeah, kids are number one?
Is that That's what I do believe. That is what most people would say. But I believe my parents would say, our marriage is first, Our kids are second. Well, I know they would say that, they've always said that. Yeah, and I was raised with that mindset, and maybe that was an unfair expectation to have in a marriage, but for me it was and and I do I actually am very It doesn't mean that your kids ever get short changed. Actually, I would just say, I would say
it's the opposite. But it doesn't sound like the right answer, you know, But I love that you get it, and that's it's a really good sign.
You think people generally expect relationships to be easy. Well, we've conditioned ourselves to think that, well we clashed on this, or we thought about this, then that means we must not be compatible.
I think that people think everyone else's relationships are easier. I think people look I think you always think the grass is greener. I think you look at other people friends unless someone's obviously in distress, and then maybe you take glee and the fact that yours isn't that bad. There are always those friends that maybe you keep close for that reason. But I think a lot of people I at least felt like a lot of times I would look at other people and think, what's that like?
That must be awesome? And I think we all kind of romanticize what other people's relationships might be like because ours didn't live up to our expectations. Yes, I can only speak for myself that Yes, I think we all get this impression that it's easier or it should be easier than it is.
We know better obviously, an auto pilot relationship, have you ever think you've ever been in one?
Yes, think yes, but yes, but almost by choice, you know what I mean, not by accident, and that can also be something.
Wow. Wow. I wasn't familiar with the with the concept, but I found it interesting and it went along with I don't know, this trip and this summer has been a wonderful summer, and I don't know it's all onwarded at this I don't know. It's so much to be excited and hopeful about. And I even nobody wants to fight. But man, I feel always better about a relationship when you get through it and you get past it and
you learn something from it. And I think we'd all I think even the professionals agree, right, if you're not fighting, that's not necessarily a good science.
Yes, and I have had a relationship like that where I never fought but if you, I think it can speak to your level of passion and your level of because the opposite of love isn't hate or even anger, it's indifference. And so if you weren't fighting, you can't tell me that things aren't annoying you or whatever. It's just you're indifferent, and that, to me is the biggest red flag.
Yeah, listen to you. I've heard you say that blind plenty.
At the opposite it rings true, though it rings true.
All right, Well, before we go, I think is that asege.
No, it's Nicki, Nicky and MORGANA absolutely Nicki and Morgan. It's not an okay, sorry, I know. Now she's like my boyfriend who isn't texting me back. She's become that for me.
Now when did you have that?
Yeah?
Just see her face? Oh my god. This is why we got to put this podcast on video, because that faces.
Maybe it was worth It's only the text I wait for from you.
Stop, So I didn't you just explain everybody with to get it all the time? I'm going to text you while you're in the bathroom.
That is the only time you don't answer me when you're in the shower or in the bathroom.
Well, we have a couple more days in paradise here to enjoy. We are obviously continuing to work, but no, we just wanted to share. Say, hello, we got some really fun stuff coming up. We can't share just yet, but okay, we're excited about it.
We will soon.
This is where you're supposed to say, everybody, you can find our official show page.
It Amy and TJ Podcast.
You know we should ask We should because we're being lazy. We need like a tagline. We should have somebody for it.
You know what, if anyone wants to Oh, I was just going to suggest maybe on social media. We'll look at the Amy and TJ podcast on Instagram. Just if anyone wants to share any thoughts on a way to end the show, show a tagline. We would be so open to suggestions, so feel free to add that in the comments, along with other niceties.
Niceties. Yeah, I heard that right, all right, we'll see also