Hey there, everybody. Welcome to a special, very very special edition episode here of Amy and DJ Rope sitting next to me. Reunited and it feels so good. Who does that song?
Oh? I don't know, but I love it. It's a united and it feels so good.
Oh wow, I didn't.
I feel like it's on the tip of my toe and he's.
About to get it for us.
It's a it's a pair, it's a it's like something and something. What is it?
Amy and DJ?
No? No, no, oh oh Peaches and Herbs, Yes, yes, yes, reunited and it feels so good. No, I'm not there's a reason why Peaches and Herbs sings it.
I was surprised when you A lot of people know you took a trip to see your daughter in Berlin last weekend. You're going for what four nights, three nights.
Three nights for four days?
Yeah, no, it's four days. I and I expressed on a previous episode of the podcast that how I feel when you travel, when we travel apart, I'm not comfortable with it, don't like it. I was surprised to hear from you that you said that got people's attention and made headlines to some degree. Yeah. I was very surprised to.
Hear that, right because it would make sense. I mean, I think maybe a lot of men wouldn't want to admit they don't like it. I think you might have even said you hated when I traveled without you.
Why is that why you say most men like that?
I feel like maybe there's an ego to it where you're just like, oh, I'm cool, I'm fine, I'm going to do my thing. I'm hanging out with my boys, I'm doing my stuff. So for you to admit that you didn't like it, I think was maybe some people would say brave.
Written come on, let's not go that far now.
Well, that's really I think ego is involved in so many relationships. It affects so many of our decisions, what we say, maybe even what we aren't willing to say. More than anything, we don't want to admit any kind of vulnerability, So that maybe struck a chord.
It was you know what I didn't You and I have been doing this for a while now with sometimes travel. It's rare that we have to travel apart. But when you travel, we I don't know, we have a difficult time in our relationship. There's a distance. It's it's odd, it's it takes us out of a rhythm that we have in being up under sundery together. But yeah, we don't talk as much as we used to in it as we're accustomed doing.
And it's when we're apart, right, it's not good. But this isn't anything new because when this is the truth, when we were just friends and it was endearing then and maybe it's a little bit more difficult now, but when we were just friends. Do you remember every time I travel, and I am a big traveler. I love That's how I spend my money. I don't buy things. I love experiences. So I've always been a big traveler.
And when we were even just coworkers and friends, when I would come back, we would say there was an awkwardness. You're loving to you take us a couple days. You would say, oh my god, we're being awkward now because you've been gone, And somehow it shifted out dynamic even as friends. I remember you always, and we struggled a little bit for the first couple of days, and we got to a point where we could laugh at it, like, oh, here's the awkward phase. And you would even like text
me like, oh did you land great? Can't wait for the next two days of awkwardness because it was all But it was this strange thing because I think we just get used to, like you said, our rhythm or we're constantly together and we enjoy it and it doesn't feel I think more than most people, we just are always together. And so when that is changed, there is a shift. And yeah, it takes them getting used to when I'm leaving or when you're leaving, and then when
we're coming back together. It also takes some time to readjust what's today.
So we are you've been back for I guess we're recording this three days or so. We're still finding our rhythm.
I feel like today we really hit it.
We find.
We're back and we're about to go on vacation together. So we're excited and yeah, but no, but always you know, it's true from the very beginning when we were separated for whatever reason, even as colleagues, it was weird when we got back together, like hey, hey, yeah, no I didn't I didn't miss you either, cool, all right, Yeah, it was like this thing that.
Was just me trying to mask my true feelings. No, it's always the case. This time, I'm so curious because it did. It was Look, when you're all right to people who are out there in a relationship, the person leaves on vacation, let's say, with their boys or with their girls, but it's kind of a that kind of a trip for fun. Like what is the expectation for communication when you know that other person is in the
middle of partying, sometimes in a different time zone. What should the expectation be of communication?
Yeah, it's tough, Like how how finn should you be looking at your phone when the people who you're with are expecting you not to be looking at your phone, But you know, you still want to be connected to the person who you left behind.
Okay, you want to be connected is one thing. The other thing is let me make sure I make that other person feel like I'm connected to them, which seems like more of a danger zone.
Right Anyway, we're still working that part out. If anyone has any thoughts, we're open to them.
But yes, yes, what you you ghosted me on Sunday, completely ghosted.
And I did apologize because we were racing from one thing to another, and then you actually ended up reaching out to my two girlfriends to find out if everything was okay.
And then I was like, oh no, I knew, Okay, that sounds crazy, but that was a six hour stretch that I didn't hear from you after reaching out to you. Now there is a certain degree where I go, Okay, I get it, she's with a girl, she's in the middle of something. But when there is no response of it, now I get concerned, right, And I know obviously the friends well enough, Morgan and Nikki to where I can
reach out to them say. And all I said was, Hey, everything okay, And I said, I'm sorry for you even have to ask.
I know, I know, I won't make excuses. It's just it is one of those things where as soon as that happened, I felt awful because I that did happen one time, and this wasn't on purpose, but the Dominican Republic you didn't have service, and I actually I thought you were dead. I had convinced myself that you either the plane had crashed, you had gone off the road, you had been like attacked by bandits. I was actually.
Crying all legit possible.
And it had been probably the same, like maybe four or five hours same thing. So I do know what that feels like, and it feels awful. So I apologize again.
No, I just what is the I do? Because what is the expected? What should? What is the norm? And I was genuinely concerned. I didn't think you were doing something clubbing? Who should wit? It was just a matter of ye is everything okay?
We were running around. My phone was in my person. You know what it is, the Apple Watch. I didn't bring the charger, and that is a godsend. I will say, when you are going around, if you have an Apple Watch on and you can hear the buzz when a message, then you get alerted. If you don't have your phone with you because you're trying to be present, you can forget like time can just slip away. But if you've got the Apple Watch on, at least you know, oh, someone's trying to get a hold of me, and you
can make a decision. I should have brought the charger.
I love no, no, no, I love you. I don't think you should need an Apple Watch or an Apple charger to remember after six hours that you're still in a relationship with me.
I didn't forget I was in a relationship with you.
You didn't care that you were in a lationship.
I just didn't check my phone.
You didn't have to check it. You shouldn't pick up your phone to check to see if I message you after six hours? Shouldn't you pick up your phone and wants to message the person that you want to be with.
Yes, you are right, and if you.
Don't, then that sends a message to.
The person that I was in Like that.
Maybe, Andy, there are signs that this thing isn't going to work out.
Okay, Wow, I love your trend.
Yeah, that's great.
That's great.
Well, No, our producer Andy here just pointed something else to us. It's a list say that I'm gonna mess it up. It's a list of what again?
This is the eleven signs a relationship isn't meant to be?
Okay, So sign number one is no contact after six hours?
Seeing that?
Okay, thank you, thank you?
Okay. Eleven signs warning signs or just.
Eleven early signs of relationship isn't meant to be?
Is it meant to be? Okay? What's number one on the list? Andy?
Uh?
Number one is you're somewhat bored of talking to them.
Now we're going okay, we don't get more.
Damn it, I can't even try.
That wasn't even all I can't even Okay, Okay, we're good.
There, we're good. There to go.
Number two, Number two, Number two, Only one of you is putting in most of the effort.
Oh, come on, we moth put in effort. Stop. Okay, six, I admit I did not which short of that that was a one off.
No, I don't think that's it. We don't have it.
No, we don't have that.
All right, all right, we two for two. We're okay, we're okay, all right.
Can I ask what you both define as effort?
Maybe effort?
Oh, thinking of the other person first, what do they like? What would they want? Just kind of considering what I think they would like versus what you want, And I.
Would just say that's more detail. But I would just say equal effort. There's never a time where I feel like I'm doing more than she is. There's never a time where she's doing so much and I say, oh, I need to pick it up a little bit. I don't ever think there's a drop off in effort with either one of us.
I agree completely, That's what I'm saying.
Well, Number three is there's minimal trust between the two of you.
I think, Oh, we totally trust each other. I have to we have to do this, no way. Oh absolutely, that's the last thing I'm worried about.
Even if I don't don't want to, I don't have a choice at this point. Were good, that's qualified.
Were three for three. We're three for three. High five.
Number four. Your values are on very different pages.
No, No, they're very much on the same page. In fact, I've said this a lot. I think something huge for me, having had all the life experiences I've had. If you have the same mode of operation and you value the same sorts of things, that's something that is I regard so highly, and I recognize how important that is just to because you know what, the daily operations of life
can just wear a relationship down. If you approach things differently, if you value the same things, it just makes things a lot easier and fights a lot more rare.
I can't say it any better than that. Yeah, we do. We are discovering more and more day and day out, like, wow, we really do operate the same Yeah, so.
Wow, wow, four for four. Keep them coming, Andy.
Number five, You frequently bicker and fight about the small things small.
No, no, no, we may we're gonna find about the same things.
Yeah, but and it's not frequently. I would say, it's like once every six weeks.
The same fight. Yes, and that drives me crazy. It's the same.
No, I know, it drives us both crazy. But we don't frequently bicker. We do. God, I would never describe what we do as bicker.
Oh no, we have big blowouts. If we're gonna do this, let's do it.
Let's go bigger, go home.
Oh yeah, we don't have little no.
No, no, no, you know that might be nice, but no, we don't pick at each other. We don't nag it each other. And that's the thing. Actually, I do appreciate that too, because I think that is something that I'm just grateful for and I recognize we do not nag each other.
Oh no, no, no, no, we don't do that. That wou over no quickly.
Okay.
In the early stages, that wasn't a thing because.
No, even as friends, I think we used to. One of the things we loved about each other hanging out. We just kept always saying to each other, it's so easy with you, like you just get me, like it was that was a huge sign that we just always wanted to hang out. So even as friends, that's awesome.
Number Six, time around each other makes you feel drained.
No, I'm drained when I'm not with him. I've said this and you've admitted it that your moody. And I asked, if I asked you, would you describe me as moody? And you said, no, you just have different levels. Yes, of intensity. Yeah, you too, I'm kind of the same mood. But it's just if you're going to get a lot of me or just a little less of me.
Yeah, if it's me, he's going to be sad, he's going to be happy, he's going to be angry, he's going to be these things. Yeah, you are either at a ten, a seven, or three of whatever the mood is. It's just you're just there all the time.
So no, no, no, but we don't wear each other out.
Oh god, no, no, no, no, oh man, early sign, what is it the list again?
Smoking relationship isn't meant to be. I feel like it makes sense though, because if you guys started as friends, it's like you got to know each other as friends, so you would know as a friend whether or not you liked and.
We were always together. So if we had worn each other out initially, just like, oh my god, I'm mentally exhausted by this person or he's an energy what do they call them energy vampires? No, it's I feel like I got like energized.
Yeah, yeah, it's true. Dammit, I hate to agree with you on the aperture. You're right.
You want me to go to number seven. Yeah, let's keep it going on Number seven. There isn't much emotional intimacy between the two of you, dude, Oh.
My god, that's hilarious. Not we we're good.
Our emotions make out all the time.
They couldn't get closer, goes, we.
Are more intimate emotionally than physically.
Oh my god, that's so funny. Well, I did not think it was gonna go this well for us. Shocked. Okay.
Number eight, there's a noticeable lack of respect between the two of you.
No, no, I respect you immensely.
Goodness. No, no, no, I don't feel I wish I could say something in that regard. Nope, I don't feel that.
I've talked about like disrespecting every Yep, Nope, we're good. Check wow.
Number nine one or both of you don't really want to commit.
I don't think that's true either. We both said that we're committed to each other from the beginning. Actually we kind of set that up right away.
Yeah, I'm trying to again early signs that your relationship is in trouble. Yeah, right, there's a list, and one of the early signs is that say the thing again.
And one or both of you don't really want to commit.
I want to keep your options open. I mean, you did suggest that maybe I get on a dating app.
I want to give you opportunity. I want to give you a chance to go out there and see if you can do.
Better, because you're that confident. Oh my goodness. No, I mean, but that is a big one, because I mean, there are some things that are deal breakers. But yeah, if someone wants to be exclusive and the other one doesn't, you've got a problem. That's pretty obvious. I think. No, that's never been our issue. I think we're still deciding about just what that level of commitment is. But like whether it's legal or not, but that's still up for debate.
But mentally, emotionally, we've absolutely agreed to commit to each other.
Number nine, take us a minute before we get the number ten because we need to unpack.
No, we haven't figured the marriage thing out yet.
But what was it? We haven't figured it out, figured it out? Right, we haven't, you mean you, we haven't decided whether we're going well legally, I mean we just talked to a guy who was a straight shooter, so let's be a straight shoot here we're talking about. We haven't decided whether or not we are going to officially get.
Married, right, Okay, but we have. I have said this to you, and I believe you've said it to me as well, that I want to be with you for the rest of my life, and I would I would like to live with you, Okay when the time comes. It doesn't have to be today or tomorrow or next year, but I would eventually like to live with you. I want a life partner. I want someone who is with me. Yeah, I want to spend that I like, I like spending the night with you and waking up with you.
What happens? Then you say a life partner?
What?
And I think a lot of people deal with that, like, what is a life partner? Short of a legal binding agreement? Can you have a life partner?
Without that you can and I and I and I've actually always been in awe of the best example I can think of, And this is someone I've always loved. Yes, you know, I'm gonna go golding On and Kurt Russell because Overboard is my favorite movie, and their relationship, I'm sure, and I know it's not perfect, but I've always been in awe of the fact that every day they wake up and they choose to be together. There's no legal binding document that says they have to be together anyone,
Well there was. I was just joking, Oh no, but I was actually because I've thought this, I'm like, then, why do I default to wanting that? And I do, in my heart of hearts want that, And I think it is a level of security. And we know, based on our experiences that it might be false security, but at least there's this. This is the way I think
my brain works. It's a lot harder to break up when you're married, and so there, when you go through the tough times or something really bad happens, or something really hard happens, it's so much easier to walk away if there's nothing that you have to settle lead and just I know that's not the reason why I want to stay with somebody. But there is this notion, there's this sense of security that well, it's an extra hard thing, so maybe we'll both stick it out. Yeah that is.
Isn't that the exact opposite thing that you want to happen only with you because it's harder to get away from it?
Correct? I know I'm admitting.
Intellectually, you know that you're saying there is.
Something like, well, it's it's a security blanket, but it's a false security blanket, and that's not the way I want to have a relationship with you. But I still
default to that in my head. I'm just admitting it, and I'm not saying it makes any sense, but I'm just admitting that there's something about it where I feel like if I can say that's my husband and I'm his wife, it feels more official, and it feels it feels more real, even though that's not necessarily the case, because we've lived enough life to know that's not baby.
You can say it if you want to. You can call me whateveryone.
I can call you my husband if you want to, by.
O me no. No, It's just interesting because we've had. We're talking about it here and Andy has given us this list, but we've talked about this privately, how we understand it. It's almost I am more excited and I feel it's a stronger commitment to not get married because you can walk out tomorrow the next day. All you got to do is grab your driver's license and walk out, and you're kind of good.
No, it's true.
And so to hear that's still a binding legal document feels like more of a secure.
That's wild it does?
I mean?
And again, I still like the idea of what I said, what you said, how Goldie Hawn and ker Russell have lived. But I'm admitting that there is something about that marriage document that makes you feel more secure.
Does that make it? Doesn't? We have one another woman in the room, she's a much younger woman still, but does that make sense? I guess maybe I should as Andy as well, But still does that what does that? I'm just getting another woman's opinion on hearing what you just heard from Ropes.
That makes sense to me. I would feel more comfortable with a bind that Wow, yeah, to be in a relationship because but maybe that's also people being obsessed with the fact of wanting more, like you have the relationship finally, but you want more, and so you have to be like legally binded to someone and they can't be taken away.
We were just watching what show was it where we actually talked about this, where you talk about this all the time, but people are so much in love with the idea of having a husband or having a wife or having a marriage that you're in love with the idea of the wedding and all of these things, and no focus is put on the actual relationship.
Early on, right, and what it's going to be like actually being married. We're all focused on having a wedding and then so many stories, so many movies end there. That's why I think as much as I love rom coms, I think they ruin real life for so many people because it ends at the wedding. That's the goal, that's the end goal. But actually that's when your marriage begins, and anyone who's lived enough life knows that less focus is put on that, and that's actually what we should
be talking more about what that entails. So I'm actually just I think our level of commitment to get back to what Andy initially asked is the same it is the same. Although do you want to live with me? I don't know that you. I don't know that I know the answer to that, And it's okay if you don't, well.
I mean, do you want to do this in front of everybody right now?
I don't know why not?
Okay, let's do this.
Yes, I actually did not know what you were going to say, and I was prepared for either.
It's yes, I don't like being a part you know what, It's gotten a lot. Bet. What I hated was I was respecting so for so long that your home was Analysa's home and I know you welcome me into that home and that's my home all the time. But I always was trying to just be respectful that you have a seventeen year old daughter that might not want to see me sitting on the couch watching a basketball game. She comes in from school or comes in from her
night out whatever. Maybe so that is I think we've obviously we've gotten pasted.
Right, But I appreciated it, and I knew that is. I knew that's where your head was and your heart was so But yeah, of course, oh Emma has a question.
Yes, do you think that your dynamic would change if you live together, There's.
A hell no for me, No, not at all, because we're together twenty four to seven. I mean, think about most couples go to work and they're apart from each other for at least eight hours a day, maybe more if you put commutes into it. So then you just kind of come together at the end of the night. We work together, and we prep for work together, and and so we're never and we've been like this for a very long time, even when we were working like
we were working together. So I just think we're so used to constantly being around each other that would not change anything all. Noah, it would just make the closet situation easier. We're like, oh my god, do I have jeans at your place? It actually would simplify a lot of our life. I think it would make it easier from a logistics standpoint.
I also have a.
Question, Ups, this is great you asking for a friend. Okay, so you mentioned just marriage and just making it easier. I feel like I keep hearing the word easier. If that were in the cards, do you think it would just be like a courthouse thing private or would you want to have like an actual wedding wedding.
All right, that's I'm curious that we should do it like a one two three, And you answered, I am curious and know what you think here because I have thoughts as well.
Okay, so courthouse or would do an actual wedding courthouse for me? Yes, but I would like a party afterwards.
Okay, waitt same day or something we invite people to down the road.
It could be the same day, one hundred percent. Want I think for me, this, this relationship with you has been so like obviously it was put into the public eye and maybe it happened in front of everyone's watch, but so much of what you and I are is just so private. It's not for anyone else. It's not a spectacle. But I would love to celebrate with my family and my friends and our friends and the people who have supported us. That I think I would love.
I kind of just want to do the vows just you and me.
Oh, okay, you make a good argument, But there are the there's a handful of people. I mean, it's a very small group that would be very cool to throw a party and for them to be in the room. Yes, that would get it right. That's a very small group of folks. I would, eh, I'm kind of I would kind of like that.
Okay, cool, all right, next question.
Well, so I wait, so I am, I am, I am voting, the guy is voting for the wedding, and you want the courthouse.
Well no, but I think the compromise is the courthouse and then the party. The party, but you could have some people at the courthouse.
Oh no, he's going to be at the courthouse.
Well, it doesn't have to be the courthouse. I'm just saying I don't want a big wedding.
Don't they just line you up at the courthouse.
I mean, you could have someone from there come to you and make it privately. You don't have to go to the courthouse. You can actually hire someone to come.
Those are a private wedding.
Then, I mean, let's just bring Jeff Guardier in and have him do it privately.
Obviously he's gonna do it.
Right, and then and then have the party. Okay, Yeah, we just don't have to do the walk down the aisle thing.
You don't want to do that. I don't have to walk, you're the walker.
I don't have to walk.
You don't wan to walk.
I want a great dress.
You don't want to walk down the aisle.
I don't know. I haven't given I don't know. I'm being uh.
One another walk. Your dad is getting exhausted.
He's like, not again, take this.
Walk again, Jesus. Obviously we're close that we could joke about something like this.
Obviously, all right, next question, moving on.
We're doing We're doing okay? Yes.
Number ten, Is you feel lonely even when you're together with each other?
Oh god, no, dude, I feel.
Like there's fourteen more people in the room with her, Like Jesus, people getting crowded.
It's crowded the road, my god, no, all my personality is all coming in one place. No, it's no. I have never felt lonely, thank you.
No. No. So what's eleven? So were now on this list.
And number eleven on Early signs A relationship isn't meant to be? Is you often feel uncomfortable with your partner at a gut level?
No, No, more so than anything. For a long time, the gut was not drawing me away from her, but drawing me to her. So no, no, oh no, no, no a gut level. Nop, nop, nope, non't damn.
Right Wow, never felt more confident about us.
Well, how soon do you think into a relationship, can you tell if it's going to last or not?
That's a good question. I think. I think you need to have your first fight first, and I think once you've had if you if you have not fought and you don't fight, that's concerning because learning how to fight and learning who your partner is through those fights is a big part of sustainability, I think.
And I would argue that you can find out I think very early that it's not going to work out based on things they do. But it takes you a little while to find out if it will work out. Like you you might know first date, this ain't gonna work out, right, You won't know until first day, second day, third date if it will. You need you need a little bit of a sample size before you know if it's going to work out. I just you can't know
that early on. But man, first date, there's some stuff folks can do that you know is a deal breaker.
I think absolutely, there's lust at first sight for sure with a lot of people, but love but no. But I think people confuse and I've been I've been in this situation I'm not talking about you.
You stopped talking about your lust. You caught that.
Right, But there is a difference between the two, and that's where I think it gets confusing.
Okay, God, in this episode, we were friends at first sight, friends of first site. Yeah, no, lust, you saved the lusts for the others. You heard that right, I'm not you heard it right? No, no, no, you heard what she said. That could be lust at first That's happened plenty in.
Oh, don't look like you don't know what I'm talking about with.
You, TJA. We were friends, Jesus.
I know that you do not doubt my attraction to you. Okay, come on, okay, all right, next.
As have another question.
But no, wait, we made it's the whole list and none of them.
I don't have any early signs that we have a problem.
Now have you ever noticed these things in a relationship? And what did you do?
Oh? Yes, just in a quick way, go through, say the first one again?
You're bored of talking to them? Yes, yep, only one of you is putting in most of the efforts. Yeah, there's minimal trust. Yes, values are on different pages.
Oh, yes, one hundred percent.
Yes, Okay, bring it down a little bit, bring it down just a little.
Bit, so frequently bickering and fighting all the small things.
I'm never a bicker.
I have been a bicker. I'm not proud to admit time.
Around each other made you feel drained.
Yep.
No, emotional intimacy yep.
Respect yep. Oh that's a big one.
One or both didn't want to commit.
No, I don't think I had that. I never had that. No, No, No, I never had that.
Yeah, you hear this. Yeah, everybody wanted this, everybody was commit lock it down.
The I was also saying that reciprocally that I never felt that way, like I was all in, okay, stop.
And feeling lonely when you're together with Yes, yes, man, that's comfortable at a gut level.
Yes, all of those I had.
Yeah, and again and whatever relationship we're not I'm.
Not saying any one person. We've had lots of relationships in our lives were Ye, we're at that place. But that Actually I love that you asked that because I hadn't considered that outside of us, and once I looked at that in past relationships, it actually makes how I feel now even more special. Wow, I think you just made our day.
And thank you for that. Emma, thank you for that as well. Folks, thank you for listening, and we'll go back to lusting individually apparently here, and we will see you from Possibly our next podcast might be recorded from an island. Yes we don't know yet, debating, don't hold us to that, but.
Perhaps it just depends how much vacation we want to be experiencing and how much work we want to do on vacation. We could turn it into.
A workation, all right, folks, thanks as always, appreciate y'all listening. Let's see you soon.