How to Survive the Holidays

Hey, there're folks in this episode. The election is over, but you got one last hurdle to get over before you find peace, you gotta survive family holiday gatherings. And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. Robes. How are your family gatherings around the holidays? I know you all are you know you like your wine and whatnot. A lot of people like their drink around holidays, but they say that adds sometimes to the combustible nature of

Well, I mean, it's just depended on the year in politics, what about an election year. Yeah, they're tough. They can be tough. Yes, I've just I've had a couple years where, either whether it was Christmas or even just a summer get together, basically we had to come to a a mutual understanding that talking about politics or religion usually doesn't end well. And I know those are some staple rules that a lot of folks employ, but look, I consider

On all of the abus.

That's a blessing, say, because you're exposed to different ways of thinking, and it isn't just this group think mentality where it's us and against the world. So I've been exposed to lots of different thoughts. However, yes, when you mix all of those folks together in heated conversations with some alcohol potentially thrown into the mix, it.

Can be, as you point out, combustible.

All right, So in this episode, we're actually going to help you folks find ways to survive those holiday gatherings a little better. We're going to have some have some rules, some tips for you you to survive that family drama or even to avoid it altogether. I don't have not once in life do I remember any drama at any family gather that is, So.

Do you all actually have in depth conversations about what's happening in the world, what's happening in White House? Oh?

Natural conversation all the family got in my whole life. Of course, you talk about all that stuff. It's local politics, national politics, issues and whatnot. But again, I'm grew up in it. Look, you know, I don't go back for a lot of family gatherings, but certainly when I was coming up and in my early adult years, But not a single time was there drama of that nature that got so heated at a family gathering that folks need to be separated or somebody has to leave.

Not a that's remarkable time, that's remarkable. What to what do you attribute that?

You know what? The greens and the chitlins, we were all too exhausted.

The fight do you all have?

We had the.

Itis similar ways of thinking.

Okay, okay, okay, but do you all are you all of like mind? I mean, do you are you similar in your beliefs? It doesn't have to be exact, but basically similar in your beliefs?

Okay? How about this I have And most of those gatherings, you have folks who would grow up, who grew up and would never miss a single church service on Sunday Sunday night and then went on Wednesday night. You had other folks in there who wouldn't go to church for any reason, so we weren't all aligned in on religious reasons. The person who gave the said grace at every single

You came along well.

And I also just want to point out I don't want to give some false impression that somehow I've got these big, like rack His fights going on in my family.

Mostly there were somebody end up in the hospital.

No, you were so funny.

It was jail. I'm sorry, it was jail.

No.

Look, by and large, they're all wonderful.

I would actually say a lot of the issues were between my brother and me.

Did you just say, by and large they're all wonderful talking about your family.

Yes, by and by a large, I'm saying all of the like the gatherings, they could be fifty people at Christmas. I mean, it's crazy. It's a lot of people, and mostly it's and look, it's just when you say you and your brother, the few times I'm thinking of or my brother and I his sibling.

Yeah, yeah, he is you all? You all the problem at your family gathering, it's no.

It's it's it has happened once or twice. And then I would say in other family gatherings, it's been other people like having issues with one another. There are really a lot of times it's personality conflicts.

What's the worst has gotten that somebody had to actually do something that you like? Whoa well?

People have left early, storming out.

Maybe you no, I'm not going to have this conversation. Sorry, these are bygone eras, and we've learned from our mistakes. I have learned from mine. I know he has from his. Uh Like, life gets hard enough, we don't need to make it harder. And I think again this comes down to maybe avoiding.

Certain subjects altogether, but.

Also being able to say you can feel how you feel, and it it and I can feel how I feel. It's about respect, and so I think sometimes personality conflicts, past issues, past rivalries.

I've seen cousins, like, there have been issues.

And a lot of it is just deeply personal that comes out maybe in other conversations. So it's my mom has always said this, and I think about it all the time. You're never fighting about what you're fighting about. So even if you are fighting about politics or fight, it's probably deeper than that. Like a lot of times, if it gets to the level where someone has to leave or someone's that upset, it's probably way deeper than whether or not Trump got reelected.

And what does doctor Gardier always say? You say, your mom says, you're not fighting about what you're fighting about. Doctor Gardier says, you're not fighting about blank. It's how you're fighting about it. Yeah, it's how you're fighting about finances, how you're fighting about religion. It's how you're fighting about politics. That's the problem.

It's true because what it is, neither person feels respected, regarded, heard, listened to. You don't have to agree, And I think, look, sometimes you learn lessons the hard way, and I certainly have.

Okay, so we're about to folks, how to avoid maybe some of these hard lessons and avoid some of these this drama, the storming out that happens at Robot's family gatherings and the funny and it's funny we're talking about this. We are only as we're recording this, we're only a couple of days removed from me attending what will be for the first time a big robock your family gathering. We're actually going to I'm going to see everybody for the first time here, and we're.

Going to be on one side.

So my mom is one of nine, it's the Stoleful family, and my dad is one of six. So you are going to meet my mom's side of the family. And yes, she has eight siblings.

It's gonna be great.

And they are all going to be in attendance.

All right, then we will report back. But all this is coming out because our super producer Andy in here has hooked us up with well hooked you up. Actually he has found ways in a list of things to avoid or to help you avoid family drama during Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas dinner, whatever holiday gathering. So he found this for as we have not heard these yet, but

So, like you said, the holidays are coming up and family drama is inevitable.

Apparently not in the Holmes house, just so you know who knew.

So this comes from Refinery twenty nine. It's just telling us about four things that you can do to avoid the family drama during these dinners that you're going to be having during the holiday season. So I'll start with number one. It's own your triggers. Other people know what sets you off, so you should make it a point to be aware too, even if you're not necessarily proud

Wow, are you ready?

Ropes?

I love that, And because you know what it is, that is something that you can control. I and anyone who walks into something thinking my god, what could happen?

What could someone say to me? You know what, It's okay.

You can't control what anyone else does or say it says to you, but you absolutely have the power to have a decision to not react.

Have you failed at that? I have no family.

Oh, I have absolutely failed, and I do think acknowledging and it is hard to admit like it's your trigger.

So don't put the blame on someone else.

You have a sensitivity to something, You get bothered by something, and so you have to own that and accept that and then say I'm not going to react. I heard you can wait what it is.

I'm trying to say it right, but I'm going to probably say it rung.

No, you're doing grace of art.

It's it's a way to say I'm not going to react. I'm going to respond, and by responding, it's a deliberate choice to say, hey, I'm either going to walk away from this or I appreciate your two cents. I disagree, but thank you.

The triggers. What are your triggers that you know if you hear at a family gathering, you know that's gonna set you off.

Anyone who questions your integrity and your choices that that's always a trigger.

That's a politics thing, it sounds.

Like one hundred percent, and also personal choices in your life, whether it's you know, you're single, you're not, you're getting divorced, anything that you've chosen that you've decided. If you feel like you're under attack, that's a trigger.

Those are so that would be anything?

Yeah, yeah, and then I think someone who.

Basically if I feel like someone is taking away or telling me I'm being ridiculous, like invalidating my experience or invalidating my feelings, or I feel like I've just been completely and totally misunderstood.

This happens at the holidays. They do you like this family?

I mean, it can happen. I'm just like, look, it could happen.

It can happen with your children, it can happen with your Wow, you know anybody. It's not just like I feel like, yeah, in life, I've experienced all of that.

You haven't.

I can't wait to see the VAM at holiday dinners. I would say, no, my triggers. What would you think my trigger? You? I am very curious to hear this. What what a trigger? What do you see that sets me off? A trigger the likes of which you just describe for yourself. Anything that triggers me that like, oh he gets going, he gets worked up, he's gonna get upset. He's going to fight back, He's gonna what is that thing?

If someone tells you something that you think isn't genuine? If someone if someone is you always say you always say yeah.

I know, I'm trying to think.

But like I, I just believe that you get upset if you feel like someone is being disingenuous.

That's like your number one trigger.

But my react. I thought you were gonna say nothing, because there's not a whole lot that anybody can say to me that's gonna set me off because I am just calm and at peace, and I just I just don't react necessarily.

Now.

I get upset about a lot of stuff, but usually see me get upset because uh time management. I haven't had enough sleep, I got too much work to do. I'm focusing on the wrong things. But people can say all kinds of anything to me. And I have worked hard with your tutelage to be honest with you of how to handle those moments and not react to things. We can all you can control. You can't control anything somebody does or says. I can control how I react to it. I took that to heart, and I've been

I don't think you will react in the moment. I do think that you have, and this is probably.

I don't know.

Tell me if I'm wrong. During the holidays, we haven't really gone through them, not much together. This is going to be There are a lot of first that are happening with us this fall and winter. But you are an expectations person.

You want to know.

Exactly what you're walking into, who you're going to be talking to, and what the feeling of the room is going to be. And if your expectations get thrown like the reality is not what you thought, you have a tough time with that.

May I'm a weird one because the expectations I only allow somebody else to set. I don't assume how you're going to behave I don't assume how you're going to react. But if you tell me you're going to be here at twelve fifteen and you show up at twelve twenty, you set my expectations. You did that. If you tell me only fifteen people are going to be at this party, and I get there and there are thirty two that hell with all, y'all, I'm out of here because you

That's your trigger.

I just got you set my expectation. And that's the thing.

I know.

I don't want anything from Silly, from Andy, from Robot unless you tell me you're gonna give it to me.

Well, you, I get nervous because you asked me questions and I'm like, I don't know if I have the exact answer.

I don't know. I'm okay with that. You didn't say an expectation.

I've gotten a lot better at understanding that I have been thrown sometimes at when you get upset at things. And I've to the realization that I am better to either set like really low expectations or make you think things are going to be way worse than they are. Oh, then you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Because I've realized that is your biggest trigger. Yeah I never thought about it like that, but it's your biggest trigger. Expectations, expectations.

All right, folks, So we're gonna take a quick break, and I expect us to come right back after this break and we're going to continue. We got three more to get through. Things are going to help you avoid family drama during the holidays. All right, Welcome back, folks. We will continue here with our super producer Andy, who is helping you make it through the holidays without family drama around that Thanksgiving dinner table or Christmas dinner table,

The next one is conversational topics. Having a pocket full of topics to change the course of the evening can make you the unsung hero of the holiday. Good old, reliable stand ins or stand bys that can include plans for New Year's the best holiday movies, your favorite teachers back in the day, what have you been binging on TV lately? Or the best one of the bunch, So, what's been going on with you?

Change the subject?

Yeah, I love that, and it's important to actually, I think, have that plan in place, maybe even ahead of time. The other thing is this is a good stand by. My mom always told me this. Everyone's favorite topic is themselves. So if you can just start asking the questions, then you don't necessarily have to answer the tough ones.

You've seen me do this a million times. People think I've no, I'm quiet at a lot of gatherings because all I do is ask a question. You get everybody engaged in talking about themselves, and it is nothing but peace is not You've seen me do this a million times. So I love that idea, But roads, are you really going to go in with a po not talking about a literal note, but the idea that you actually need to ahead of time prepare. So okay, I got this

I mean no, I mean I don't have planned questions or redirects, but I do think you can go in with a mindset that says, if things start to go down this road. By the way, this is what I've learned the hard way. You're never going to change someone else's minds in that moment, at that party, at that dinner, at that gathering. You are not going to convince somebody that they voted for the wrong person, or that they

Try and go do that.

And I have been on that fool's errand and it never ends well. And so yes, I go into sometimes gatherings and just tell myself from mind myself, you have nothing to prove and no one to persuade.

Just be curious.

Can I ask you to be kind? Do you generally feel like you're on the defensive or the offensive? Do you ever feel like you're in a position at these dinners where you are maybe mistakingly so that you can realize afterwards, so you made an error in trying to convince somebody of a position that you have.

Correct okay, on lots of issues that like you're never going to convince people to change their minds on gun control, abortion, you know, these are some of the weighty topics.

Me too, Like don't talk about this family dinner.

That would be in the past tense talked, talked, and it again. I have now learned it is silly to even try.

Well, I am you know what we should do? Black lives matter? When I meet your family, I.

Mean, that's a great idea for this next gathering. I think that works.

I think it's a way to go.

I feel like that's a that's a kind of a healthy, like new topic.

I would like to hear what the fam think. You know what. I'm stopping now because I did this. We did this not too long ago to where we were recording a podcast and then we ended up listening to that podcast with your parents. You and I were in the car and we knew what was coming next that oh shit, oh no, So it's weird now to say something. I'm like, oh my god, her parents are going to hear this.

And actually, right.

Before we go to this family gathering, no, no, no, And again like, look, my mom came from a family, you know, nine of them to gather with my grandmother and grandfather, and they were like and there was no drinking. By the way, my grandmother Southern Baptist, so this was not in any way alcohol fueled.

But I remember growing.

Up and there would just be these big debates around the table my uncles and my aunts and my mom about politics, about religion, about finances, about everything, and again, not a drop of alcohol. But I grew up in a very debate fueled family. And part of the reason why maybe I felt comfortable going into the line of work I do because we all questioned one another. We challenged each other, and sometimes it got really heated. And I saw this as a kid, and it didn't seem

But I just grew up around it.

Okay, okay, we're gonna get to that. What's the next one? Number three? I got a question for you. I was gonna ask what is the worst blow up you can remember? But we got time for that. You can think on that one for a second. Go ahead, And it was number three, all right?

Three is breaks, Take them and cherish them. Maybe you've got to go to the restroom. Maybe you need to see if anyone needs help in the kitchen. Perhaps you're even feeling generous and want to help get a start on cleaning up before around two kicks in. You don't need an excuse to step aside and take a breath. If you're a smoker, smoke breaks are your friend. Excuse yourself, take a breath and call it a day.

Sounds like you you've wanted to take up smoking at some of your events.

But no, no, no, no, it's not that bad.

I don't want to pay this awful picture. It's like ninety five percent of the time, it's amazing. It's just I've had the five percent and maybe even less then, and so I know where it can go, and I know that I never wanted to go there again.

Have you done that what he just described? Like just taking a beat? Sometimes you just make yourself busy, just go wash the dishes. Yeah, and I don't have to interact with anybody. I'm over here doing busy work.

Coming. Yeah, No, that's really smart. It's it's always a good idea to take a beat. It's always a good idea to take a breath. I've definitely excused myself to use the restroom and taken deep breaths and said okay, like wow, yeah, redirect, redirect, let's not go there. And also just acknowledging your emotions and sometimes they're not in check with what's happening. You know. I can admit that sometimes you take something or I take something personally that

Oh wow, all right, what's the number four here? All right?

Number four? Cut yourself some slack. There might be a moment where you feel some kind of guilt for losing your cool, but you're a human being, for Christ's sake. Let it go. Take a break, tell yourself a joke, and go hang out at the kids table where things are going to be a little less insane.

That's hilarious.

Hanging out of the kid's table where things are less insane, that's kind of funny.

One of my favorite things to do in family gatherings my Connie, my aunt Connie, who was married to my Muslim uncle Larry, Uncle Mohammed. Sorry, Uncle Larry.

He used to be Larry, and now he's Mohammed.

Okay, all right, he's Mohammed. Myho coming up, it's uncle Mohammed. But sometimes the family, his brothers and sisters flippant on a Larry. But his wife, Aunt Connie is one of my favorite people ever. If she walked in this door right now, and I haven't seen her in a couple of years, if she walked in right now, the first thing I would say to her tell me a joke, and she would have one ready. My entire life. Anytime we had a family gathering, I could go to her

I love that.

And you know, I think my family's always been the kitchen. You know, you go, you help out, you start cooking. I love the idea of just kind of pitching in and you get out of anything that might be tense or negative or.

Potentially explosive. So yeah, and again I.

Would just say people sometimes, or at least my family, they love hard and they're invested emotionally. This isn't We aren't talking about the weather, we aren't talking about you know, just surface things. I think my family has always not been afraid to go deep and to care intensely, and that can lead to some heated conversations. But I know the the bond is the depth in which we understand one another, and sometimes it leads to misunderstanding, but that

So yeah, it's families. That's what family does.

Yeah, and that's okay, But I think so much of it is I think in the past, what could we say, I mean, how far can we go back? Certainly the Trump era, his first administration and on, so we're really talking about the past ten years. Maybe there's been so much talk about how difficult conversations at holiday and family gatherings have gotten.

I mean, I think it even you know, I'll go way back. I mean, I think when you talk about the Bush administration, I mean there was always I feel like a pretty big political divide. And if you have a big enough family who live in different parts of the country, you're going to have very different viewpoints on

Be divisive, you know.

It's just I think we've all learned over the years as the family has gotten bigger and more diverse. It's just part of the process, and I think that's a good thing. You're learning with people who you love to disagree.

I agree, that's that's a good way to put it. It's okay. It sounds like a negative thing, right, Families get into it over the holidays, but it can also be a positive and just families do this, It's okay. Like I think he was saying one of them, just give yourself a break, and the whole family should give yourself a break. It's okay.

You don't feel guilty if you said something you shouldn't have, and I certainly have.

I don't want to fight on Thanksgiving.

No no, no, no, no no.

I think I think one of my favorite things to do. It sounds cheesy, push through it. You and I are about to have this experience together for the first time. But I do like to go around the table and say what we're grateful for. Oh God, I knew, I knew I was gonna get an eye roll.

Crime. Are you kidding me? Are we really gonna have to do this?

You don't have to do anything, you say that, No, no, no, you don't have to We're gonna have to put it's interesting.

Are going to be forging our own traditions.

Okay.

They don't have to be what was or what used to be. It can be what is rand.

New stuff okay. And to give it to the people once again, the four things they could possibly use to avoid some family drama.

All right, you're going to own your triggers, you're going to have conversational topics, you're going to take breaks, and you're gonna cut yourself some slack like that.

Those are all really doable.

And I think I really do believe this going into some of these gatherings, if you just remind yourself of those four things, it'll be huge. Your mindset will be in a different place versus like, oh no, what's gonna happen or you're already getting on the defensive or you're already going on the offense. Just take a moment, read through those four things and say.

I got this.

I think healthy boundaries are important.

Healthy boundaries.

Yeah, yes, you're not great about the boundaries.

I think that's another podcast, is it?

Okay?

Because I don't know what you're referring.

To the boundaries.

No, yeah, I don't.

You're not great about the boundaries. Okay, yeah, all right, okay, folks, And with that, we're going to end this podcast with a question mark. We can go fight. The drama begins already. Well, folks, we appreciate you listening as all ways. You can find us on our official show page on Instagram at Amy and TJ Podcast. You can find us there as well in our personal pages. But really, I hope some of this you can use you can implement in your family

Don't count the days, make the days count, Make.

The days count. So that's something very important to keep in mind. You gotta make it's rare and we're running out of them. And look, the older we get, there are more there's more travel we make, not for family gatherings because of the holidays, but for family gatherings because of a funeral. Where you and I are at least are getting to that kind of age. So the idea that we would waste a single day or a single moment, especially a family holiday on some bs. Keep that in