Hey, that folks. It is Sunday, January twenty fifth, And a question for you, folks in a relationship that person that you're with right now, what did you find out about them after you got into a relationship that if you had found out on your first date, it might have been a deal breaker. And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. I asked that question for a very specific reason because a rollbock has gone
and she keeps finding new dating trends. Weird for a woman in a relationship to keep finding new dating trends. But I had not heard of this one.
Yes, so it's cuffing season right Officially, I think this is the time where between the holidays leading up to Valentine's Day, everybody's looking to boo up. So yes, everyone wants to find the new dating trend, the new way to find somebody. So apparently here is the hottest new dating trend trend.
It is called hot take dating.
Okay, so they always have good names, right, Okay? In summary? What in short? What does this mean?
So it goes against what we're typically told to do when we first start dating someone. Avoid touchy topics, you know, don't talk about politics or religion, just on a first date.
Just keep it simple, keep it light.
This tactic is to go in from the beginning like no nonsense.
We need to see if our values align. Period.
Okay, first, you say, is what we're told to do? Where is that? Where does that come from? Are where do we get trained? You send your representative to the first date. That's not really who you are, right, you play this game? You said, why is that what we're told to do? Is that women men bowl?
You know, I can only speak for women obviously, and maybe it's not that anyone has directly said here's what you have to do.
But you watch enough movie, you watch enough.
I think really it's like consuming media and seeing how people meet and reading books about Yes, as a woman, you put your best foot forward. You make sure your hair is just so, and your makeup's just right, and you're wearing the right outfit, and you say the right things and you make him like you.
You don't want to do anything initially to turn somebody off. There we go, Okay, that makes sense to me. Now, I just wanted to get there. So this is saying, get it out of the way and go.
There upfront, don't waste anyone's time, Okay, Because yes, when you avoid touchy topics and you just talk about how the weather was and what your meal is like and everything is so wonderful and great, it's hard to actually know if you're going to like that person. And when you accept somebody and actually end up in a relationship with somebody, and I guess this is the point you're dating to find a relationship.
The whole point is.
You actually need to know who someone is, the good, the bad, the ugly, the things you disagree with, and say, is that something I can accept? Because we're all gonna have things we don't like about the other. We're all gonna have things we disagree with with our partner. It's what is the level to which I have to accept? Like, you should get it out of the way.
Is this a new thing or is just making some kind of resurgence.
No, so they're saying that this is kind of new. And the reason why they're saying it's a trend now and why this is happening now two things, politics and social media. So politics are so divisive right now, and we can get into the numbers, but it's pretty interesting tender you can think by the way, for some of this research, because they do have a lot to work off of with their research, but they say right now, forty one percent of the people they surveyed are unwilling
to date someone with opposing political views. That narrows the dating field significantly, was a forty one percent, and more women than men say they would not be in a relationship with somebody who thinks the opposite that they do when it comes to politics. Okay, that's where we are, and so you kind of have to get that out of the way.
That's sad. That was really sad to hear. I want to you know, I wonder if the number has always been that high. Can people really not live together in the same household now when it comes to kids or way you want to raise them, and religion, and I guess some of those things factor in, but it just seems like the priority is I don't know, how do you Okay, I'll take I'll hold off on until the.
Thing is It is a sad statement to make, but these days we are seeing family members saying they can't they won't talk to other family members.
I've seen people.
We just did something for Yahoo about friendship breakups a lot of people that resonated with them. They talked about how because of politics they have had friendships, like years long friendships broken because of politics. So yeah, yeah, I think now. I don't think it always used to be like that.
No, I think that.
You could have voted for Gore and I voted for Bush and we would have been okay with that. It wasn't that big of a difference.
So you're telling me Trump has changed relationships, He has changed friendships, She has changed the way we date. Is that what you're telling me.
I actually didn't realize I was telling you that, But I do believe that. Yes, in fact, I am telling you that, or at least tender and other folks who who try to make sense of these numbers are suggesting that for sure, forty and I don't know what it was before, but that seems exceptionally high. Forty one percent of people say they are unwilling to date someone with opposing political views. Could you date somebody who had a very different political view?
Yeah? The only thing if she smokes, that's my only non starter. For the most part, it doesn't if you're so in like you're that intolerant of someone. I can't let someone into my heart because you believe like you aren't your religious beliefs. I have a difficult time with that. And people we're so where that it's that important, like we can't be compatible, we cannot live together, we cannot coexist, and I just I'm not used to hearing that.
Bro.
It sounds like an absolute intolerance for a whole group of people, which is half right of the country.
Right, I will.
You know, it's one of those things where if you do listen to relationship experts, they will tell you it is easier to be in a successful relationship with someone who thinks what you do, who believes what you do. So maybe there's something to that too that maybe you could be in a relationship it would just be harder and they're not up for it.
That could be what it is.
The other Yeah, and the social media element of this, according to what's behind this trend is that people have a hot take on everything. It's just especially the younger generations gen Z, the dating ages, like twenties thirties, they have come up with this platform where yeah, they will say whatever they think, and when they give their hot take on social media, they get attention. They get followers. So it's an attitude that this that these generations needs more.
Who tend to be dating right now have where it's like, yeah, I have an opinion and it matters, and here's why they feel emboldened to do that. So it matters, I guess, and they don't feel as uncomfortable walking in on a first date as you and I would, just saying, so, where do you stand on trans athletes? You know, if that's important to you, this trend says you start talking about it on date one.
To each his and ti his or her own. I don't mind those things. I hate when they become qualifiers. I hate when it becomes if you don't answer these questions, I literally have a I mean, just send me a questionnaire. Then it seems that way like we're reducing human beings to what their political beliefs are and there's nothing more to them. And it says like you're making a determination. If you are this, then this means you're a bad person.
That's why it seems like it gets interpreted like you can't there's an extra element of evil that I'm assigning to you. It seems like we're absoluteist too much in this country.
It's true, and it feels like we go back into that tribal mentality what you're describing right there, you know. And look, it's funny because I was just listening to a relationship expert. I love listening to audiobooks and podcasts, and that's where I was drawing that last bit of expert information saying that it is easier to have a successful relationship if you are alike. But then what the sad thing about that is it discourages people from getting
to know other people. You know, if we wouldn't be together with that because you're black and I'm white, so we've had very different experiences going through life. Even if we've had similar upbringings and similar parenting and came from the similar part of the country, we still had very different experiences.
Should we not be together because it's too hard?
You know?
The sad thing about that is if you're looking for easy or looking for.
The simplest way forward, or.
That maybe the safest, most peaceful way forward, you miss out on a lot of opportunity to grow and learn.
We're so seting on ways for whatever reason. That's I don't know. I didn't know about that number. The forty one percent number like I am you are disquali. Forty one percent of people are saying half of the dating population they are eliminating because they might have different political views.
That's a yeah, And I guess there's an argument. I'm trying to see some side of it, like I cannot live with I refuse too, and that I just think as such an indictment of an entire group of people just to say because you're a Republican or you're a Democrat, that a tough man. I hate that right.
And you know, and I think that they feel insulated, or I say they, but people who are taking on this hot take dating and saying, hey, this works for us, This is something that feels like the right way to find that perfect partner. Right to go ahead and just be out say your most controversial feelings right away, get it. And if you I don't like where you are from a controversial standpoint, then I'm just going to move on.
And they say, how many people are online dating?
Now?
Right?
They find the person they're going to go on this first date with a lot of times through these apps.
And if you're if you're meeting.
Somebody on an app and you're going to say, we're going to do this hot take dating trend. There really is no consequence for walking away from a first day going no thanks, because think about how we typically would have been set up someone in the workplace, maybe a friend of yours set you up.
You'd feel like you wouldn't want to piss off that person.
You wouldn't want to walk away and like leave the leave the restaurant on fire. You know you there were consequences for behaving badly, or for being rude, or for push too hard or to getting into some Yeah thanks, but no thanks. So when you're dating off of an app, you can kind of say whatever you want because you have no pressure to behave from a community that would have maybe set you up, or you would have been in to meet that person.
I still don't I don't know. I'm still trying to piece together what other things should people not If you're a part in what religious beliefs, political beliefs, should those people just not even try and bother dating?
Really it's harder. I think that's harder. It's harder.
So where do you leave room for getting to know someone for who they are and then find out about these other things that make up who they are, and then we go, Okay, maybe it's too hard or you don't know, actually if it's worth fighting for if you're just qualifying somebody at the very beginning, right, there's plenty of stuff we have we found out later and it was worth fighting through. We'd have found that stuff out
on date one. No, that's going to be hard. I'm out, But that doesn't make sense to do it in that order. How do you know if it's worth fighting for? How do you know if it's worth whatever struggle it's going to be. How do you know that that's not going to offer something to your life? How are you going to expand you just need somebody to stay with you in your same MSNBC or Fox News, Lane Brett bears kind of cool racial madda, how's good nights? Like you can.
Learn right, it's okay, we'd like to watch both.
It's okay, geez, I know ms now, sorry.
MS now, I can't get that right either.
All right, when we come back, we're going to talk about some of the dangers and we've kind of discussed right now of doing this hot take dating.
But what some very wise.
Advice was offered by the experts, some matchmakers for anyone who is considered employing this dating trend. And welcome back everyone, as we talk on this snowy Sunday about a new hot dating trend if you are looking for love wanting to find that relationship as we march our way through this snow to Valentine's Day, they're just going Hot's a
hot new dating trend called hot take dating. Yes, and so some of the experts, and this was a matchmaker actually who had some advice, and she said that she does have clients who are into this dating trend because they just want to weed out the people that they don't want to waste their time on quickly.
But she said, remember this, it's a date, not a debate.
So don't go into a first date thinking, Eh, I'm gonna share a hot take and then I'm ready to totally and completely fight for what I think is right. She said, do so with the intention of trying to figure out if you're compatible. Compatible that's funny, that was a Freudian slip.
If you're compatible than trying to change the other person's mind.
If you go in there thinking I'm going to show him how right I am or whatever.
That's not the point of this. It's a date, not a debate.
I like that.
But also, don't be combative.
Or try to say compatible when you say compatible, all right. The other thing is, and this is so true when you go in and if you're having a disagreement and you find that you're on different sides of the aisle. Nobody wants to be preached to and nobody wants to be told that they're wrong. So don't try to convince someone or prove someone wrong. And I do think sometimes that can that conspiral, especially when you don't know somebody.
This is a first day, you haven't met, you haven't you don't have that foundation.
What's a hot take? I'm trying to think now of what are the things if you and I had sat down at a first date, What would be the thing that you could possibly ask that you would need to know or I would need to know about you? That would be those kind of qualifying things. All I have is do you smoke? That's really all I got. If you're religious, I don't go to church every Sunday, I'm willing to be open to that. I'll listen. That's kind of all I got. You hike, you climb mountains. I
wouldn't ask that on a first date. That's not doesn't disqualify on it, right, I don't. I don't have a hot take.
I'm trying to think if there's something that, yes, smoking would be an absolute disqualifier for me. Yeah, I mean I maybe you start, especially if you're younger, starting to go in and say do you want kids?
How many kids do you want?
I mean that that can be off putting for folks. But if you want to know right away, are you somebody who wants kids in your life?
That's an important thing to know right away.
That should be a first day question. That's different from a hot take that's we might not need to even get dessert, because if I want you don't, then we're two people aren't compatible. That's different.
But you're talking about like a view on something. It's just a hot take that I can't. I'm not going to ask you about trans if you are what look I see I have room maybe because what we do
for a living afforded this. I have always been in a room with people who have different viewpoints and have been cognizant to know that that's part of the beauty is looking at things through different lenses and having people I love my whole life think very differently than people who I like and I work with, and knowing that those can both exist and respect can still can still live in that environment. Yeah, I'm trying to think, would there be a non starter for me?
Well, what would you tell me? They say, let me get this out of the way. I'm blank, I'm blank, I'm blank. I think this. I think this, And I'm not talking about anything having to do with your surrounding or hey, I got a nineteen year oly boulder. That's not no. No, I'm talking about like a belief of some kind that I just want you to know ahead of time. I blog blank, I voted for Boom. Identity that you think is important, I don't even have that.
I don't think I do either.
That would be like something I would think would make or break whether or not I could accept you because of how I believe because I'm with you, I'm on religion. I don't feel strongly about whether you have to be or shouldn't be or couldn't be in politics, I think I guess the only thing I would ask I would want to gauge is if that person would impose like that very thing. If you needed me to think what you think or believe what you believe, that would be
a non starter. As long as you were accepting of my difference in opinion, that would be the biggest deal. Because also if you need someone to think like you and agree with you on certain topics, what happens.
When you fight?
What does it if you can't absolutely come to a full agreement? Is it a is it a done deal? Can you not accept just hey, we're going to agree to disagree. That kind of shows that mentality that you don't want to agree to disagree.
I was trying to follow that, but it was so combatible. It seems like everything you were saying, well, I just I don't know. I don't know what to give. If somebody heads up on I would ask somebody else if you know, if I ever had a first day with somebody else, I would ask if they like yacht rock. That might be a non starter for me. Now, really, yeah, you kind of ruined it. Really yeah, yeat rock. Often there's a reason thank you I should.
Say in my in my air pods, I do. I will try not to play it around the else.
I would give a first date somebody now my heads up about March madness and die hard during the holidays.
That would be good.
March madness is a big one, yes, like insane. Yes, that's big. And also you should probably let them know that you like to sleep with the TV on.
That's a big thing.
Yep.
And I wake up very early.
And you wake up very very.
Early earlier, and you don't like to in anything other than a NonStop flight perfectly less than four hours.
This isn't difficult.
Take those things and the other.
There was another number that I was curious what you thought about, and I think this is reasonable. Thirty seven percent of singles say shared values are essential. And I think that is I think that numbers should actually be higher in terms of what you value family, work, life, balance, all of that.
To me, that number should be seventy seven percent.
You know, but some values have more value. Quite frankly, right, we are we aligned on work, but not aligned on kids and family or.
Money different things.
Yes, you can get by if somebody's really going after money and somebody doesn't care, you can meet in the middle on that one. If somebody is really into family and you're I don't know, been disconnected from your for ten years. I don't know. They're just different. I don't know. I just people are people, and I hate to because it has a lot to do frankly, as a black man, thinking about walking into a room and immediately a judgment is made on you based on just for the fact
that your skin is a certain color. So now let me check I can fill in the rest of the boxes. Just looking at that, I hate. You're a Republican, let me fill in the rest of the boxes. You're a democrat, let me feel in the rest. I hate any time we judge and don't get to know a person for who they are, and just yeah, I hate that.
So screw this hot take.
Just you know, give people a shot and walk in with a blank slate. I do like a blank slate theory. And you walk in and you say, let me just see what happens, no preconceived notions, no agenda, just sitting down and having a good time.
And see what happens. How about that?
That'd be all these algorithms and ways to say, this is how you find the perfect me At the end of the day, isn't it about how willing you are?
To compromise.
I feel like no, We're told now you don't have to, right.
You just find the person who thinks exactly like you do, who likes to operate exactly like you like to operate, and who thinks everything the same thing you do. You have a perfect person. It's called yourself.
Yes, harmony, folks, we appreciate you as always wherever you are. You probably hopefully booed up cuffing season as you speak. I know a lot of people right now. We're olks and dealing with it with this weather beautiful from a distance and in safety and warmth, but a lot of people are dealing with some hell out there, so please be safe wherever you may be. We always appreciate you spending some time with us. I'm TJ. Holmes On behalf of my dear Amy Robot. We will talk to you also