Welcome everyone to this episode of Amy MTJ. And we are talking about something on this episode that I think a lot of you listeners will relate to, and it's certainly something I have struggled with for most of my life, but I'm hopefully getting better, and that is about learning how to let go of control. We're always all of us in our minds trying to control every little part of our day that we actually have.
No control over.
But somehow we feel safe if we think we're controlling things, But what we're actually doing is making ourselves crazy. So much of the day and so much of our energy is wasted on trying to make other people do things we want them to do, or for situations to be different than what they are.
And I have worked and.
Will continue to work on trying to just accept what is right and the only thing we can control is how we respond, and that is intellectually very simple to understand, but putting that into practice is a whole other set of problems. DJ, how are you on not wasting your energy trying to control things that you can't control.
Oh no, I'm I'm in I'm in full control of everything going around on around me.
Full control like on the subway today.
Total control. Yeah, I was in control of this podcast even and said you needed to start it. Total control. I'm in control of everything that's around you.
That's amazing like that.
Yeah, total control?
Yeah, total what's what's your delusional life?
Like?
Delusional? Oh no, no, no, no no no no no no no, it's here's the thing. I actually you know this. I have a tattoo on my right arm that it's one of my favorite and the simplest. That might be the quickest that I've of all my tattoos that I ever had done, and it simply says surrender. And I struggle in moments sometimes and you just the way you end up feeling when you're stressed, Oh God, a good day, da da day, And once you just say the hell with it is gonna be what it's gonna be. Wow,
it's amazing. Yes, how life and joy and the weight is lifted. And it is hard to put in practice, but with a little training, and yes, I too have gotten better at that.
I have been obsessed with a podcaster.
Many of you may know who she is, and she's an author, but she's got a book coming out. But I'm talking about Mel Robbins, and she has put this theory in my head and she's writing a book about it, and it's called let Them. And so when I get frustrated or I want things to be different, or I want someone to do something differently, or to respond to me in a different way, or to say something that
they haven't said, I just say let them. And if you just say those two words, all of a sudden you realize I'm acknowledging that I don't have control right now, and acknowledging that. It's amazing how your whole body will just relax because you really lies, there's nothing you can do to change it, and the only person you're hurting is yourself. Right you get all stressed out, I'll get a headache, I'll feel just my heart will start just
beating quickly. You know, all those feelings of just stress. Stress is being out of control?
How do you think I handle that? What you're describing there? And again I said I can speak on me, but I'm saying for an observer. I guess this would be an accurate I'm more honest for the listener at least. How do you think ideal in what you are describing? How would you say, I am and trying to control things around me.
You get very in your head, you get very quiet, you pace, you get antsy, you start cleaning, and you start saying to yourself, I believe this is my observation. I can't control anything that's happening right now, and I'm really frustrated by it.
So I'm gonna do what I can control, which is to clean.
And I get that because I have that tendency as well. But you I've never actually seen it in a man, which I appreciate.
Laughter from the room. Why is that a thing? What the way? Whoa what is that? I can't.
Most men will like, I don't know, go do something else. I would think, like go jump in their car and drive off, or you know, I don't know, chop some wood, you clean wood?
Sorry, I left my axe in my other apartment. What are you talking about?
I know, but I related to you on that. But I actually know.
When I see you start going into like you've got the scrubber and the soft scrub and you are like in the tub like scrubbing, I'm like.
Oh he is, oh shit is just right now. He's working through it.
He's working through it.
That's how you He's got the index and the soft scrub out. You better this guy.
Oh no, the.
Vacuum cleaner's coming out.
Oh no, But I know when you feel out of control, that's what you do.
What about me? What do you see me doing? Spiral?
You spiral when things aren't going. Oh my goodness, Grace's sweetheart. You say it, and this drives me, It doesn't dry me. It's fascinating to see. And I've done this to you a bunch of times. I have used your tutelage that you've given me to survive some of the worst moments of my life the past five years or so, I use them against you. I actually say, hey, sweetheart, you need to settle, you need to center. Nothing you can do about it. It's fine, It's gonna be okay, sweetheart.
We still got the whole deck. Don't ruin. I have given you so many of those things, throwing them right back on your face, and I've seen you go you completely adjust. Just a little reminder, it's so hard to do it ourselves, to implement those things that we know are the right thing to do. And certainly in the moment, you have taught me that, and I have been working tirelessly for years on that thing.
It's interesting you you have and it does work when I am reminded. I know what the right thing to do is or the right way to respond is. And sometimes I just if you just say, ropes, this is nothing like. This is a drop in the bucket, you know, and just a little bit of perspective and I and I can switch it back off and go. You know what, you're right When you're cleaning and you're in that headspace, I don't know what to say to you because I don't want to make it worse.
You're supposed to say, come here, baby.
Well I do always try to. You know, it's stopping.
Right when you're when you're in your in your cleaning frenzy. I don't think so no, but no, But what would you want to hear in that moment?
Nothing? Do you want space? I feel like you want space in those moments.
I don't want space. You know what I absolutely don't want. And you know what's about to come out of my mouth. I don't want to have to educate someone on how to comfort me in a moment of frustration and pain. And that's very difficult to do. And I know that's on me, but.
Everyone's different, so it's hard to know.
But you know me better than anybody.
I don't know the answer to that thought.
Well that's the sweetheart. We we have a much bigger examination of this relationship to do. Wow, I'm just kidding, baby Jesus. Everybody got It's true.
Though, because I said I help, you're like, I don't want to have to tell you how to help me.
But I actually haven't figured that out yet.
You haven't after all this time.
And I think what I've what I think you because everyone's different, but I think you need a little space.
I think you need a little.
Space and I trust, like I'm trusting you that you've got this. If there's anything that I could do to help, I would, but I think it would just feel maybe even patronizing to you.
That's on me as well, because I am somebody who sits in this this seat of well, if it's going to get done, I have to do it. I don't depend on anybody. That's a problem. I know this is me, but that is something I am not good at at all. Is expecting help.
What about receiving help?
Okay, fine, but I don't ever when I'm cleaning or whatever, and you're wondering how to help me. I don't have an expectation that I'm going to get help, that I'm going to get any lifeline to get out of what I am, of the place I'm in. I don't. I just and you know that, and that's not a good way to be. I know that as well. But I am that I do struggle, and that's why sometimes something goes on. It takes TJ. He needs forty eight hours
to be okay, have gotten better at that. We got it down to maybe forty two hours.
I thought it was like twenty four hours.
Okay, we'll get better, even better. But yeah, I don't know how to get out of that. So back to we were talking, you're the wasting of the energy to try to control things. I would say you waste more energy than I do trying to control things.
I might I would say that I waste more energy, maybe more explosive energy in the moment.
You might waste more.
Time explosive energy.
Like I feel like it's more like all at once and then I'm over it. Like where I'm frustrated, you will like seethe.
For like a while.
I don't seethe, sweetheart, come on now. Seething is a strong quiet.
Seething, a quiet seaton when you go when you withdraw, Okay, that is so, I won't call it seizing.
I do that.
But when you're out of control, or you feel like you can't control things that are happening that you're frustrated by, you withdraw, Okay, but you.
Go full teddy swams and set the bed on fire and is short lived. No, yeah, but the bed is on fire? Is the thing like, ah, yeah, it's a it's a it's a four long fire. But I'm a dump some water in here. And if that's not how I roll yours is? It is explosive? Yes, you do, and I'm impressed you get over it. I really really quickly.
Because I get it out.
Yeah, in explosive ways, Andy, is what she's saying here. But can you please Andy, help us with this. You have several I think you have ten on this list of ways people? Can you explained what the list is? Again, we've been talking here so long I forgot what it was.
This list comes from Bold. It's a list of what you're wasting your energy on and uh, not being able to control these things.
We just weighs a lot of energy even talking about.
Well, I'm hoping that people listening can relate either to me or to you. But because I do think we all have failures when it comes to this.
Oh yeah, I'm terrible with all these things. There's ten of them, and I'm bad at all ten. So number one is holding onto your past mistakes.
Yeah, yeah, that's actually been a really tough thing for me, and I've been really working hard on forgiving myself and letting it go and just learning from them.
Uh, that's a tough one for me. I don't think, and again I ask for your help on this. I don't think I hold on to past mistakes a lot. I have to get passed and move Really, it's a again the training, I to call it training, but you know what I mean. I'm just kind of been working on getting better at a bunch of things. But the idea that I'm holding myself like, I'm always feeling as if I'm a you know, too often I've listened to
others about who I am. I listen to other people define me, and I'm thinking, well, maybe I am that, Maybe I am, and nobody knows me better than me. So why am I listening to anybody else or that idea of holding on to something in my past. I screwed up. I screwed up a bunch and I know that, but I try. I don't think I do a terrible job and hold on to a lot of that stuff.
I don't think as a mother, I do.
I get a lot of guilt in my head about how I could have done better, and I'm working on not feeling guilty about past mistakes.
Okay, you have two wonderful kids. One of them is about to graduate from NYU. The other one was studying abroad in Spain before she goes to Boulder with great grades. So I don't, Yeah, you need to work on your mother. What's the number two?
Number two is saying yes to everyone but yourself.
I've gotten way better at this, but I have been terrible at that for a long time.
I've been good at this forever. I mean, I just there is no that's you know, that's one of my things.
I just no, You've always been good at saying no.
Yeah, I just I have no problem. I don't owe anybody anything. I am forty seven years old.
Now have you always been like that?
I think I might have what's the thing in Your success in life is based on what In your twenties, your success is based on things you say yes yes too. And then in your thirties and forties, your success is based on things you say no to. And I have been very comfortable in that space for a long time, not even stressed. Don't have an expectator like I don't oh you anything. You have to say no. If we didn't, so heart, we would be even more exhausted than we are.
Yeah, that's true, all right.
Number three is dwelling on the what ifs.
So yes, this has been a lot of work on my and I always look back and say, don't say what if, and don't say if only, and don't say should have, could have, would have. Those are all very damaging things to say to yourself because you can't undo what happened. You can't change what happened. And maybe all of those things happened because you needed.
To learn something.
So that's where I always go in my head. If I start saying what if, if only, I say, wait a minute, what did I learn? And that is my way out of that crazy headspace.
My only two things I've said, what if about I'm not a regret guy, but two regrets or two what ifs that I struggle with one? What if I continued playing football? That sounds crazy, but in junior high I was a better football player than a basketball player. But I was able to go on in basketball and get some scholarship offers and even dabbled in basketball at the University of Arkansas. I was a pretty good basketball player.
I always wondered, what if I stuck with football? What if I but I broke my ankle and you know me, I'm out. That's the wrap. Ninth grade broke my ankle, true story, broke my ankle done, I'm over, no more football. The other thing, you know, sweetheart? The what if? There is one? What if? That? Still maybe once a week comes to mind. Wow, what if I had announced to the public in August of twenty twenty two that I
was getting a divorce. What if I went ahead and told everybody in August of twenty twenty two that I was no longer in a relationship, in a marriage, just put that out there, and then in August of twenty two, I didn't know I was gonna end up in a relationship with you, so then months later I did, and people would have found out. It wouldn't have been startling. It would have been something that the tabloids could try
to exploit and take advantage of. It wasn't have been an issue where the people who then you know, did intentionally put that out to make it sound bad. They wouldn't have had that option. So I that is my one if that. I still struggle with, what if? Where? How life would have been different if I'd have put it out that I was divorced and this never wouldn't have been something that a tabloid and the people who told the tabloid were able to exploit. That is when I still struggle with.
I get that, and I think the lesson learned from that that I have learned and you have learned the hard way is transparency is key to communication and to understanding. And you can get into a mindset of thinking that you don't owe anybody anything, but that's where confusion takes place.
And if you don't speak, some one's going to speak for you.
And so those are lessons that I think we both learned during that time. So what if is good in a reflective way if you can learn how to act differently in the future.
So, folks, we are giving you ways to try to stop wasting your energy to control certain things in your life. We will continue with that list in just a moment, but before we go, give us a little tease here, Andy, what's coming up on this list. We've only gone through three. We have several more to go, So going into the break, here, give us a little tease of what we can expect.
Oh, next break, you're going to hear about the fear of failing, maybe overthinking a couple of decisions, and the fear of judgment.
All right, there you have it, folks, will be right back.
Welcome back everyone.
We are talking about something that I believe all of us can relate to, trying to control things that we cannot actually control, and wasting so much energy, so much emotion, so much time on things that we actually can't change. So we are working our way down a list which is fantastic in terms of finding ways to do better and to be better.
Andy, where are we were at number four?
Number four?
And one thing to stop wasting your energy on is the fear of failing.
Oh, I so so agree with this. I actually haven't had this problem. I have failed many many times. And I whether it's running a marathon or climbing a mountain and not getting to the top, or going out and saying, hey, I want to be this in life and just setting expectations for myself that might be far and above what's possible, but knowing that if I don't set them there, I
won't get anywhere near. So I have failed so many times in my life, starting falling off of off the beam when I was a gymnast and getting back on it and doing it anyway.
Yeah, that's when you learn, that's when you grow. Failure is a huge part of success for me.
I actually kind of remember whose quote this was, but this is one I have. I picked this up very early in life. But the idea is most people fail because they didn't realize how close they were to success when they decided to quit. And so that's it doesn't matter if it's not going well. If it's not going tomorrow might be the day. Right, six people turned us down for this. Tomorrow is going to be the seventh. We have a meeting, and that's going to be the one.
So that this is one you have to You cannot be afraid to fail. If you do, what's the point. What's the point of just being a valedictorian and following rules? And I use that example. There are studies out there that show valedictorians do fine in life, but they don't break any rules, they don't do anything different. They can handle a task. But the wildly successful people are the ones willing to take a risk, willing to fail, willing
to take all these chances. And so that's not one I necessarily think I struggle with.
Yeah, same, I struggled with a lot of other.
Things though, as you've made clear, and I failed a lot and I'm still here all right.
Number five is clinging to your comfort zones.
Hm hm, oh you know what this I am thinking career here, right, we were in jobs that we would never have left in all likelihood because it was what very comfortable, comfortable, It was safe, dare I say even it was it was easy to a certain degree relatively speaking. We knew how to do that thing and we were very comfortable where we were. So that's a that's a tough one. You cling to a comfort zone. I think in relationships oftentimes.
I was going to say the same thing and cling too.
Well, this is okay, and this is going to be messy if I go anything else, and the kids are going to be I think we have a tendency to do that.
So it's funny because I used to say this and then I guess I've lived it. I never want to be wait, I never I never want to get comfortable. I always want to relish being uncomfortable because that means I'm pushing myself into something that either I think I can't do or I shouldn't do. But it's pushing me into growth. And so I never wanted to get comfortable. I always said that, and it I actually get scared.
When I get comfortable. I actually get nervous when.
I get comfortable. Relationship, No, I'm not comfortable yet.
Good. I want to keep you on your tails growing.
I'm not comfortable, and I think that it's that offers you a daily challenge to do better, to be better, and to see where I can take you.
But yeah, you disagree.
We'll discuss it later, Okay, Well.
Yeah, no, I actually I actually.
Think that that I maybe even enjoy being uncomfortable, and it might explain a lot of my life to people who are confused by it.
But that's a good way to be and a lot of people, and I think it's okay. Some aren't. I'm not built that way, I say. I. I mean some people can say that about themselves. They're not built in such a way that they can be uncomfortable to take a chance. And people have reasons to say no, I need to keep this very steady job with this these benefits. And I think that's okay. These people are different in
that way. There are that's that's those a chance and that's a risk, and this I understand people being risk averrs.
Oh I do too.
I just yes, and I think that in some ways being willing to yes, run a marathon, train for a marathon, have all these uncomfortable things happened.
To you, and doing it anyway and maybe even.
Having a hard time explaining to other people why you still do it.
But I was born that way. I definitely was.
Do you think there's a point that you could push yourself too far?
Though I haven't found it yet, but that answer has to be yes. Yeah. I think we've gotten close to it, and we discussed it a lot because I've I think what we said in a previous podcast. I said to you in the bedroom not longer. I remember where I was as a sweetheart. I am going to drop dead because it's too much going on. I'm not sleeping enough. I've just worn the hell out. So I think, yeah, you can push yourself too much, you can go too far. You can I am finally for the first time in
my life. We talked about this with the marathon. For the first time in my life. My body is not letting me physically do something with his achilles and now a footprint. I got all kinds of issues. What's that from trying to run? Trying to run two marathons on a bum achilles. I planned that I could have skipped one of them. At least that's too much. We get up at a two three in the morning and going all day hard. That's too much.
I think. When it's too much, your body tells you.
And I've certainly had enough things happen physically to me where I have had to acknowledge that I was pushing myself too hard. But for me, it does take something busy typically to make me stop or or rethink how I'm approaching things, from crippling migrain headaches to having had to have heart surgery to having breast answer. I mean, I have definitely had some physical wake up calls where I know I've pushed myself too far and I have to reassess and take.
Care of myself.
But it hasn't stopped me being willing to be uncomfortable. It's just it's it's put the brakes on certain ways of living, and a lot.
Of it has been about balance. So balance is important, and I think for me, I've had to learn it the hard way.
What are we up to know?
We're on number six and number six is comparing yourself to others.
Ooh, that is what anybody on Instagram you need to listen to that one.
Yeah, I've gotten way better at that.
Oh my goodness, gracious, that's a tough one.
Younger. When I was younger, it was.
It was crippling, absolutely and thank god I didn't have social media, but the young when I was younger, oh, that was probably one of the most difficult things to not do. It's just I think it's a natural thing to do. And I don't know if women are more likely to do it than men. I can't speak for men, but I know that that's something that I've talked about with my daughters, and I've been really proud of them
for being unique individuals. I think that's something to be celebrated, and I think people talk about it more now.
But yeah, social media, that's.
A really really tough place to be if you have a problem, or you know that's one of your issues, that you're just constantly comparing yourself to other people.
Yeah, that's it. I don't. That's not something I do a lot of. But the one way I do do it is oftentimes, throughout my career, I'm twenty five and I look at another twenty five year old, I'm like, oh, they're there. Wow? Am I not there yet? I'm thirty and they're thirty. I'm like, oh, wow, they have that much success. Why haven't I? And at every stage of my life, I usually compare myself to Kobe Bryant because Coby and I.
A so you were just in a constant state of depression.
No, no, no, uh. You know what I'm saying is that that kid. I watched him and you probably don't remember this because but his first couple of game like playoff games, he was seventeen eighteen years old. He and I were about the same age, and he shot air balls. It was embarrassing right in this game, but he kept shooting, He kept shooting. And I'm looking at this guy, this kid on this stage about the same age. You know,
who else is I compare myself to Usher? Now I know this sounds crazy, wow, but because these guys are about the same age and this is the time, I'm still in high school, I'm nothing, I'm not even starting my career. But I'm looking at these guys as contemporaries in some way to where wow, they have that level of success at that age. They are doing this on the world stage and being cheered at that age, What am I doing? What can I be doing? Where should
I be going? And it was a motivating thing. I know that sounds insane, but those two guys who I later got to be around, got to spend time with, got to interview. Those were guys I looked at and always tried to compare time lines too, because we were all seventeen eighteen at the same time. That is where that question of comparison and other people's success has been
a part. And it took until I was probably thirty or so to realize, oh wait, And I started to see people who were twenty two when I was comparing myself with it. Now I'm way ahead of at thirty, and even farther ahead of when I'm thirty five and blowing them out of the water at four. Right, So that took a while to actually come around to. So I get what you're saying. You're being funny, that like being priced, you're comparing yourself.
But no, it was motivating.
It was I always looked at those guys because we were the same age.
You weren't jealous, you were motivated.
I was, and so I was comparing myself to them. So maybe that was Maybe those guys are responsible for me working and busting my butt as well as I did to get to a place of pretty good success.
Yeah, and do you think it's harder for younger people? Having daughters yourself who were younger, do you think it's harder nowadays to not compare yourself to others?
Oh?
Yes, for sure.
I didn't have visuals of other people, my friends or people who I'm a contemporary with. And of course everyone usually just puts out the best and the brightest pictures and images on Instagram, so you're having a false impression of what their life is like, and then you're comparing it to whatever you're going through.
Oh, it's it's almost inescapable.
And I think you have to acknowledge it and say, I am going to choose not to do this because it's it's a human experience. I think to do that and then to have it constantly at your fingertips on your phone is it could be absolutely detrimental.
And obviously those people on Instagram, they took what twenty takes and how many filters it takes them two hours to put out one picture that you think is just natural. Yeah, it's just it's a farce. Yeah, it's an absolute farce. Okay.
So number seven is overthinking every decision.
I don't do that, and probably should. I should probably overthink it more or overthink it beforehand. But I am a I'm somebody who definitely makes quick decisions and then I I think I'm okay with accepting the consequences.
You know me the opposite, I think, think, think, think, overthink, and then I am so once the decision is made, I'm good.
Yeah, on the opposite, but I will overthink.
After the decision is done, then I will I have no I feel so confident in the decision. Once the decision is made, I.
Both hate and love this next one.
Number hate And it sounded like he was judging our life. No, feel right? Right?
Right?
I feel right.
I'm more of an amy definitely not in the situation. I'm like, that's what that was way to put it.
He drives me crazy with how much time it takes him to make a decision sometimes, but he does I do.
I will say I have seen the value in it.
Well, babe, is it time or is it?
Like?
Wow, dude, are you really going that deep? Because I can make a decision in ten minutes, but I will take it down and deep and like, do why are we even you?
It's time for me?
I'm impatient ten minutes or too much?
Oh No, I'm talking about like deciding where we're gonna go, like for vacations, and it can take weeks or an airbnb.
Take weeks, it can take days. I can make a decision in minutes.
Okay, wait a minute. You just say you went from weeks today. Do you see what I'm talking about.
Well, it depends on the time what we're doing. No, I mean it has taken weeks.
You can take it. You can make a decision in what.
Minutes and I might regret it about where I'm going. I could book a plane, I could book a hotel room. I could book a vacation in under ten minutes and feel good about it.
And then once we get here or there and the steps, you're like, oh god, I didn't realize we're not sitting together on this flight. Oh my god, I cannot believe the hotel is in this neighborhood. Oh my god, we have to fly into where. That's what happens. That doesn't happen with my planning. Okay, your silence speaks volumes.
I'm I stand.
I've loved all of my vacations.
You number eight is waiting for someone else to change.
Yeah, I suck at that still waiting.
Oh well, so.
That is absolutely wasted energy, because yes, you do that. I have done it in the past, and it doesn't ever ever change anything. So it's only men through years of experience where I have I definitely feel good about where I am with a Now, you either accept people as they are or you don't. But if you are waiting for them to change, you are wasting your time.
Out of doubt, I.
Would say never that's not something I do waiting for somebody to change or needing them or asking them to change. Even people are who they are. Certainly at the ages we are that you're not gonna change a whole lot.
But a lot of people stay in relationships hoping that the other person's going to come around, hoping the other person is going to amend or change or whatever, and that does happen. Or even a job. You know you're waiting for something to change or to get better. But the reality is you either accept it or you move on,
and that those are really your only two choices. And once you kind of get to that place in your head, it's freeing because now you're free to make the choice you want to make instead of waiting for someone else.
All right, we're up to what not number nine nine? All right?
The fear of judgment.
Absolutely, I can say that I struggle with that. So you you might not.
Put it all out there. You hide you're crazy a little bit.
You might not share everything you're thinking or feeling because you're afraid if you do say it, someone will think differently of you.
One hundred percent.
No, are you talking in general or in relationships about general?
In general in relationships, I think if you really want to have a true, honest, good relationship, you have to be honest. You have to people even if you know it might elicit judgment.
Then that's good. Then you know that, then you know it's not gonna work.
Then if I say I think this about that, and that's going to have such a big response.
That you amend what you think, amend what you.
Feel, that's a to me, that's a red flag that you're not with the right person.
You know. I go back to divorce and that I was. I was so worried about judgment that I didn't even tell my mom I was getting divorced. You know that. I didn't even tell my mom about it. In August of twenty two. I didn't even tell her. So the fear of judgment, it just you hate and we've dealt with. I don't know why I'm thinking of Jenna Kramer right now when she's a fourth marriage, is it?
Yeah?
Four divorces.
I don't remember, but there's a four.
There's a fourth.
I mean again, and I'm a zero judgment here.
I say that to make a point that even though she's been very open and talking about her relationships and her relationship history. Even when she was talking about it to us, she had a little caveat to wear. Well, let me explain, there was still something in her that was worried about in talking to us.
Judgment, Right, the first two marriages didn't really count because they were only this amount of time.
And I don't know why that that thought or that scenario or that story just came to mind. But that type of thing to where at that time with me, like, I don't want I mean, it's is it embarrassing? I don't know if that's the right word, but you hate to have somebody say this, I don't want to d on my resume? Right, So I got two d's right when I rette two divorces on my resume, And nobody likes or wants that. But it's that that is one
I have struggled with. I don't you fear of judgment for the way your life has played out, because in somebody else's in the wider society's mind, it shouldn't be that way. You should have done this, you should have done that, You should have tried harder, you should have stuck together. That thing gets me.
Oh, I mean yes, and I have been the subject of judgment for a lot of my life, and I think I'm now at a place where I feel good about owning what I've done. I might err on the side of defending myself a little bit too much, but I think I've gotten better at that, because the more you try and defend yourself, the more unsure it seems
you are about your choices. And I just think at the end of the day, I fall back on this, I'd rather like I think we all know in our chest, in our hearts, what the right thing to do is what's right for us, and if we don't follow that because we're afraid of being judged.
That's the mistakes I've made.
The big mistakes I've made in my life have been because I've been more concerned about what someone else is going to think or say versus what I know is right for me.
You know this sounds you say that the decisions we've made. My first marriage happened not long after my granddad, God rest his soul. He came into the apartment where we were living at the time, and he said, man, you gotta do the right thing. Can't just be shacking up. He actually said to me made a statement that you should be married if you're going to be living together. Now, that's for my granddad. Who a guy who I that
makes time in my life. He's one of the three dudes I have respected most, and he's saying that to me. So the fear of judgment comes from family, It comes from friends, it comes from society. It comes from Instagram, it comes from viewers, it comes from listeners. It comes from all these places. And I know I shouldn't have gotten married first time, maybe shouldn't have gotten married the second time, but those are all part of my experience.
And now I'm sitting here twice divorced and still worried about how that looks to someone outside of me and my family or people who know and understand me. So that out of everything on this list, that might be the one that stings most. We got ten here. Give it to him again, Andy, What what are the ten things that want?
Number nine?
Ten? No?
It was it was you can see I was having a moment, man, that was that was heavy. I was tray to wrap this thing up.
No, No, I have one more to torch you.
So sorry.
Number ten is needing approval from everyone.
Okay, wet it strong. Oh no, no, no, no. We talk about judgment, but then approval is something different. Right, worried about what somebody thinks about me versus needing somebody's acceptance of me. They seem like the same thing. But you see me operate in this way that I am in one on one and Okay, I don't I don't care. I am not putting on in front of people in a personal way to try to get them to think this of me or to accept me.
You're very good at that. I am not. I do seek approval from everyone. I do.
I want it. I'm people to like me. I want people to understand. No, no, they do not do. I want people to Yeah, I want approval. I want people.
I like an atta boy, and I work hard for it, and I have two extremes. Actually with my job, I've.
I've absolutely continued to say yes when I should have said no because I was seeking approval.
And I've found my worth in.
External forces. I've found my worth and what people thought of me. I've found my worth. And if people thought I was a hard enough worker, or a smart enough journalist, or a you know, just a all of those things. So yes, I still deal with that. I have not I have not overcome that. I don't know that I ever will. I'm aware of it. I'm aware of it, and I know that I seek approval and I I do, Oh my god, every day. I seek it from you. I seek it from my daughters. I seek it from
my parents. Yeah, I do. Just my choice is or how I operate or you know, I want you to approve of how I operate.
Yeah, that's a good way to put it, I guess, And it's not healthy.
I should just be happy and secure in the knowledge that I'm doing the best I can.
But I'm not there.
Wow, And you know this is not I mean, I didn't think about that. I didn't know what was on the list. I think race comes into that for me, at least, I am. I am so used to not having society's approval. I am so used to There's nothing I can do to make somebody think differently of me based on what they think about a black man. I am not going to make you feel better, feel safer, more secure. I'm not going to make you think I'm smarter. I'm not going to thank you. I'm not going to anything.
So I never waste energy in that respect, even working in the industry where I am so used to getting I think you've heard it before, right, it was so offensive to me. Oh, TJ is he's so funny, he's so quick, he's so this or that. There was always a reason to explain why TJ was excelling on television other than he's smart. He actually works harder than me. He actually studied harder than me. Right, None of that
stuff came into play. So when it comes to acceptance, I was actually comfortable in the idea I am never going to win approval from these people ever, so I stopped trying. I'm not even sure you know what it was. It was a CNN. I wasted several years at CNN trying to be wolf Blitzer because I thought, oh, I need to sound this way, I need to look this, I need to be something other than me to excel.
So I have never, for quite some time, at least I can remember, tried to get anybody's approval or acceptance, because what you think of me is what is going to be, and that does factor in. I never thought about it, and didn't know this was going to come up, but I never thought about it in that way until I guess kind of this question brings it up. Approval. Mmm, nothing I can do about what some people think of me, and I'm not gonna try.
That's a healthy way to be. And it's I don't know, Maybe it's kind of funny you mentioned race. I hadn't thought about it like that. Yeah, And I think maybe the reverse maybe is true for me, where the expectations were this and so I needed to meet them. I needed to match them. I needed to prove that I was what they thought. And so for whatever reason, Yeah, I still struggle with that.
Damn man, is there an eleven? This one got heavy?
But you know what, the cool thing about this list is all ten of those things are you know, we do a version of them, some more than others. But they all take away from our energy and from our time and from our healthy mental spaces, and so it's important to hear them, recognize them, and then try to I think acknowledging them is the most important thing. Right, I learned something about myself just hearing you go through that list and recognizing it is a huge part of it.
And then just when you when you feel yourself going there or doing that or starting to waste your energy.
You can say, wait, wait, wait, this is.
I'll use it again a fool's Errand I'm not going to change anything. I'm not going to change anyone's mind. All I can do is accept who I am and do better.
Give it to the listeners one more time and it what's the list here of things they can stop wasting your energy? Folks doing these things?
What is it holding onto your past mistakes, saying yes to everyone but yourself, dwelling on what ifs, the fear of failing, clinging to comfort zones, comparing yourself to others, overthinking every decision, waiting for someone else to change, the fear of judgment. And number ten is needing approval from everyone.
Wow, those are good.
Those are good because those are all energy vampires that I have absolutely succumb to multiple times.
Probably still gonna do it. I'm gonna try not to.
Folks. Hope you got something that was something you said earlier and it reminded me of the serenity prayer. I think we used it not too long ago versus something you know. I think it was Jamie Lee.
Curtis after the election.
I'm talking about leaving Twitter, right, she was so she used the serenity prayer. But there's a there's another it's a longer prayer, and there's a part something you said that made me think of it. But folks don't remember the next line. Can you can anybody recite the first part of the serendiy prayer, Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Wow, that was very if not verbatim, very close.
That's the one. But the next line of that serendy prayer is living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, and accepting hardships as the pathway to peace, which I think always is the doper part of the serenity prayer, but nobody recites.
Well, thank you for that.
We can take that with us and we appreciate you and your words of wisdom, and thank you Andy for helping us try to do better with our energy and our mental health, because that is what it's all about at the end of the day. This is about us taking care of ourselves and recognizing the moments when we can do better. And really, when you help yourself, you help everyone around you.
So I love this and we.
Want to say thanks to our other You have been hearing from our super producer Andy in the room, but our other super produce of Cilia. You haven't heard her voice during this podcast, but she has helped so much just with her facial expressions. She's letting us know if we're on the right path or hey, guys, you need to cut this one short. So she's been great in the room as well. We just want to acknowledge.
All right, everybody, have a wonderful day. I hope this helps with your.
Peace and your harmony in your life.
You can find us on our official Instagram page at Amy and TJ Podcast.
Have a wonderful day, everyone,