Are We Communicating Correctly?

Hey, they're folks in this episode of Amy and TJ. So you think you and your partner communicate well and that it's key to your successful relationship, but we will see about that. Welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. Yes, we are going to test it a lot of people, and it's key right to relationship communication. But we have a little test here, some questions that we are going to ask people to see whether or not you actually

Yeah, successful couples. But I would say everyone, I would think it's a universal thing to struggle with communication. If you don't struggle with communication, I would say you probably never fight because the fights are almost always about miscommunication, misguided feelings, interpreting what someone meant to say versus what they did say. I at least am speaking from experience with you, and I I think that my mom has always said, you're never fighting about what you're fighting about.

And our good friend doctor Jeff Gardier, that many of you will know, he's the one that says, actually that you're you're not actually your issue in relationship is not finances, it's not the kids, it's not these things. It's how you fight about it. It's not actually the thing you think you're fighting about. So I am always fascinated by this. In the idea of communication, there are a bunch of

Wow? I mean they're all so important. I mean, I would say communication is probably the most important, but I would put friendship and sex like at the same level because I believe that being with someone who you enjoy being around, Yes, who you can laugh with, that's important completely as a foundation, But you also need to have a great sex life, I think, in order for it to be a successful romantic relationship. Otherwise you're just talking about a really good friendship.

And then the idea of really good friendship, what's the is it? Because I wonder if it's a man woman thing, or sometimes it's it's a me thing, because you and I communicate very differently. We do because I speak literally and you often speak emotionally. I think you'll admit that to where I am only taking into account the words coming out of your mouth and not trying to assign anything to an emotion.

Which is frustrating to me because in my mind where I hopefully have some logic attached to what I'm saying, but there is emotion behind it, and sometimes what I say isn't direct or isn't specific, it's more a feeling, and you're like swimming in muddy waters and frustrated with my lack of just specificity and logic, where I'm more like, this is what I'm feeling, this is what I think I want, this is what you know. There's ambiguity, and you're like, I can't read between the lines, and yes.

Okay, that last part is where I get in trouble, like you actually holding me accountable for not reading between lines and understanding something that did not come out of your mouth. I should have pieced it together. And that's where like, really.

That's true, and when and when you take it literally and don't give it the depth or the context that I'm sharing it with you. That annoys me because I feel like you're doing it on purpose, like you're almost like holding it over my head, like, well, if you had meant to say that, that's what you should have said.

So no better than that now, Oh yes, oh.

Okay, you know in the middle of a fight, that's how it feelsh. Do you know what I mean?

Because I am the opposite in where you're talking to me and holding me accountable for what you think I meant. And I looked you right in the face, I said, sweetheart, you know me, I absolutely just said what I meant. There is no need for interpretation, There no line you need to between. And so is that a man woman.

Thing I I do? And it's funny because when I just said you know what I mean? You know what you usually say when I say you know what I mean?

Hardly ever, that is exactly how it goes. Why it is, I don't know how to adjust. The adjustment is to not take you for what just came out of your mouth or take it with a grain of salt. Okay, maybe she didn't mean that, and it's just difficult in the moment to so, and you have to tell me that's got to be a sign. You've got to do something to where I have a signal to wear. Okay, this is where TJ don't take everything she says.

I would just say always always.

Okay. Yes, So when you say I love you, should I interpret that as well to mean something else?

Yes? What? Because it could mean like at that moment, I love you so much, or it could mean I love you and that's why I'm not going to get upset right now, or you know, there's just there are can be different ways and reasons why you say I love you.

Okay.

It doesn't mean that that's not true. It just means there's more context.

Oh my, So this is what we're talking about, folks. Communication. Communication is always key. So you'll heard plenty of time talk about our super producer, Andy Pulls the We haven't gotten one of these in a while, so we've kind of been itching to do him. But he has a great relationship one having to do with communication. So Andy, you guide us through. Tell us what this list is.

First of all, all right, so this list comes from bold dot Com. It's couples with strong communication skills all share these same habits. It's some of the most important skills you have in a relationship. It's going to keep you connected when times are good and when times are rough.

Okay, how many you got? There are ten of them? Okay, so we have not heard these. Nope, So we have no idea how this is going to go. But we're going to see see how we stack up. And we hope the audience you all listen as well and see how you all stack up. So go ahead, right ahead, Eddie, all right.

At number one, the couples with good communication skills stay present and engaged in conversation.

Yes, we do that sometimes. Maybe it'd be better if we were less engaged sometimes, geez, But no, we are. I believe that we're present and engaged when we're communicating.

That was that was a good start, right there. Any Yes, of course we are, and we're together so often. No, when it's important, we are engaged. Oh. I don't think that's ever, ever, ever an issue where I feel like you're not listening to me when it's important. Now, on day to day stuff, I do well. I don't get frustrated. I just leave you alone now and don't say some stuff because you're staring at your phone and you kind of block everything else out, including me.

Well, you know that I can't multitask, so if I'm responding to somebody on a text, it's very difficult for me to then hear what you're saying. So now you know that, and you do stop. You say, I'll wait till your dog, which is cool. I appreciate that.

But your daughters actually are the ones who I used to hear them sometimes in the room, like, why are they calling their mother by her first name, because that's the way they can get you to engage and to get your attention, Amy.

Amy, and you look up if they're saying mom, Mom, Mom. It actually is just like okay, y'all, just wait.

I think we're good on that one. Yes, we are always president engaged during conversation.

All right.

Number two is they make time for real conversations.

Oh god, yeah, yes, oh my god.

Yeah, instead of sweeping it under the rug, which is what you know. I understand, especially when people are busy or you just or maybe you don't want to bring something up and so you just kind of kick the can down the road for another But that to me is asking for a powder KEG explosion later. That is the problem with that.

Don't you hate those fights for you you have with somebody And they say, and yeah, last Christmas went like wait.

A minute, right, remember three months ago? Yeah? I never said this now, but I'm going to bring it up now.

Okay. Those things are horrible and there are some partners who hold on. They just waiting.

The stockpile ammunition. I have been the recipient of that, and I don't appreciate it. If you don't like something, I've always said this. If you don't like something I did or said, say it in the moment and try to say it in a kind way, like, hey, I know you might not have meant to do this, but this is what it felt like. Addressing it when it happens is sometimes hard, but is always better.

Oh yeah, I don't like holding on. I don't like hold on.

I don't either.

No. No, oh wow.

Number three. They apologize and they forgive.

Yeah, I mean you know what eventually? No, I mean I think sometimes it takes forget. Sometimes it takes a day, sometimes it takes a couple hours, but we have always ultimately apologized and forgiven. I think, yes, forgiving. I think it's harder.

Sometimes. I think you would agree with this. It takes you longer to apologize, it takes me longer to forgive.

Yep. That is absolutely true. Yes, that is absolutely true. I it takes me sometimes I have to sleep on it because I think because I think I'm right, and I'm boiling for the night, and then usually in the morning I have clarity and then you're like, yeah, I'm going to need another day to forgive you. Yeah, so that's unfortunate. You're You're really bad at the lag time of forgiveness. Very hard for me.

Trying to do.

Better yep, And I'm trying to do better at apologizing quicker.

And I will not. You almost barely have time to get on to me about something because I will apologize for things that you didn't even notice, you'd even see. I have no problem saying I am sorry.

Yeah, yes, But you just say I'm sorry and leave it at that. You don't usually go into an explanation as to why you did it.

What more do you need?

I think sometimes women like to hear the women.

Let's just talk about you.

Okay, But I do think it is a man woman, thank.

Okay, let's talk about you, though. What you need.

Well, I think sometimes knowing that you're taking the time to explain why you are sorry is helpful in forgiving someone.

Okay, you're you're okay, I'm with you. Yes, But there have been times. I remember one that happened actually in this place to where I don't even know if you noticed it, but I said, hey, I apologize. I brought something up there in mixed company, and I don't think I should have. I just wanted to, and I did.

I remember that particular, and I appreciate that, I will say, and I don't know if you feel the same way. I'm curious if you do. But when you do add an explanation, it's so much easier to forgive. I'm like, I get it because he gets it, and he understands in a way that I don't even have to be angry anymore because he's gonna do better. Do you appreciate

Look, there are reasons for things. There are reasons people do things that don't have to be interpret as an excuse. There are ways you communicate. Sometimes I'll say you just people in general, where you are making an excuse, you are explaining it in such a way that you are saying, well, don't hold me so accountable for that, because da da da da da. At the same time, there can just be reasons for you doing things, but you still did it.

Or if that comes before the apology, then it feels the apology doesn't feel quite as strong.

Yeah, I will. I don't know. I just I will have no problem apologizing when I screw up, and it's.

Often just work on that forgiving and I'll work on the apologizing.

All right.

So we're that was we had a breakthrough, but I don't know that that one was solidly in our corner.

We went for some real conversations, So that's nice.

This is why I don't like to hear him ahead of time because we just engaged in something I had no idea we would, all right.

Number four is they practice active listening. And I want to preface that one by just asking what both of your definitions of active listening are, because it is different for people.

Yeah, I'm active listening means I am, my opinion, making eye contact and really taking in what they're saying, and maybe even responding with facial expressions in a supportive way versus in a I can't believe you just said that way.

It's no eye rolling engagement, and I think response you said kind of a gift. Some it could be a facial expression, but an acknowledgment sometimes by asking a follow up, why somebody's talking where it's clear that that person is paying attention to what you're saying. I think those So is there some other definition? And what do they call active?

Active listening is involved paying full attention to what someone is saying, understanding their perspective, and then responding thoughtfully.

And not reaction based response like it's actually just responding.

With yeah, I know you think you're good at that.

I think I'm getting better at it. I don't think it was one of my strong suits. I think you and I both know that I get very passionate and I had a bad habit of interrupting, and I have worked on it. And I hope that you've seen improvement.

Maybe not, Yes, you're aware. Look, I've been around. You explained it, and your mom explained it like you were how many she's one of what nine? One of nine? So this family like if you didn't jump in there, you never gonna get hurt. You better, And I guess just the whole family thing, you guess.

I was raised in a family where we were all kind of shouting down each other just to and it wasn't in a negative way. Everybody was kind of like enthusiastically participating. But actually I can understand from an outsider's perspective how rude that seems. And so it's a habit that i've It was never done in a fight, necessarily or in a negative environment, but it translates over to that, or it spills over into that, because that's just how I had grown up communicating.

But it translates to the person you're talking to as a lack of respect for what they're saying. He's just talking, and there's over people talk over each other as your in normal conversation, there's just kind of that over talk. But the one for me if I can tell when somebody already knows what they're going to say and they're just not listening. They just wait on me to stop talking and whatever, it doesn't matter. It's very go. We've

They miss an opportunity to really have a an in depth conversation. That happens all the time in especially when you're new to the business. You're just so worried about getting the next question right, you weren't listening to the person you're actually interviewing.

So I feel that way sometimes in conversation with you. You know that, Yep, my favorite thing to do are used to. I don't do this anymore. I would be saying something you would shout me down. I would just stop talking. I would I wouldn't try to keep talking. I wouldn't say you didn't you interrupted me. I just stopped and after a while you said, oh my god, I'm so sorry.

It's very effective to just I mean, silence is actually very powerful, and you know how to harness that one.

Wow, we're really, no, really, we're the opposite in that way. You're really you're a chatty, chatty chap. I am one that will sit back in a group. I don't need to talk. As crazy as that sounds, I'm not the outgoing, I'm not the extrovert.

That's true.

That's true, all right. I don't know. I feel like our relationship is going sideways. Now should we even go to number.

Of Number five? Is they're honest with each other.

We are very honest with each other. Yes, that is not a problem. Oh my goodness, not a problem at all. In fact, too honest.

Sometimes maybe we just have to be And certainly that's my life is in your hand. You and I are are linked together in the way through friendship and love and family in a way that just we have to be honest with each other.

Yeah, there's no space for anything but that.

That's really, I'm trying to think of something I've I'm keeping something from you right now?

Do you think white lies almost not white lies, but something that's almost like, oh.

You don't do white lies, you don't know. And even if it's a little like oh that that might have stung a little bit. I part of me also appreciates the fact that you are when you say something, you mean it. I do think when you can practice that and avoiding the white lies finding another way maybe, but that to me establishes when you do actually give someone a compliment, or you do actually have something kind or loving to say, it has more of an impact because

We had that was six number six.

They use eye statements during conflicts.

That's a good thing. Yes, So like you right, so is it a pointive thing? There you go? I get that's a that's a tactic in therapy that you learn and when you're arguing with someone or having a difficult conversation. Instead of saying, you left your clothes on the floor and then you didn't apologize and then you called something, you know, Instead of saying I felt like like, you would say like I felt upset or I felt sad when I saw the closer on the floor because I

So do we do that?

I don't think so, but we could try that.

We don't do the eye thing.

I think we're more like, hey, why did you do that or why did you say that? Versus I felt like this when you said this, I don't. We haven't employed that skill.

Huh, I can try it. I'm trying to think of the last back and forth, the disagreement we had and what was said and how it was said. I actually cannot remember. I don't, but it doesn't sound like I think back and I don't think our conflicts involved us speaking in an accusatory way. You you this, I don't think that but if.

We ever got to that point, I do get that. That is you're instead of putting something on someone else and accusing them of something, you're just owning how you felt in the moment, and that maybe softens the defensiveness from the other person.

All right, what's the number seventh?

Number seven? Is they check in regularly?

We don't even have to check going to number eight. We're always together. We know each other's temperature twenty four hours a day.

Okay. Checking in is yelling, hey so hard, need me to bring anything from the kitchen? That's that's me checking in with her in the other room. That's yeah, weird to get we got that one. And when we're not to and you know what, something that I don't say it bothers me. But sometimes you'll walk somewhere I know you're supposed to be somewhere in ten to fifteen minute walk and I don't hear from you for thirty minutes. It's like, hey, you're good. Did you make it to

That is really sweet, and that is one of the many ways that I feel loved. You always say you, okay, did you make it back? If I'm even if I'm gone for fifteen minutes and I'm coming right back, you still make sure I got where I was supposed to go. That's very sweet.

Do you think, though, that checking in regularly is different than real conversations.

That kind of check in, like a check in on how you doing, how's your day kind of check in versus just.

Yeah, See, we don't have that because we don't go to the office in you know, different offices and are apart for eight hours and want to check in. I think they're both important. And God, you don't always have to have serious conversations or like in depth conversations, right, Sometimes it's nice just to know someone's thinking of you.

You know, we're blessed in that way to where I could go. I could tell anybody how you're doing, Like, I know you're I don't need to ask you. I know how you are, know how you felt when you got up, I know what's been bothering you. I know which daughter is dropping you crazy right now, I know what's going on. So we are just up on it. That much we're is intertwined in that way.

So yeah, I think both are really important. I think the little check ins do matter. Yeah, I do. So.

Number eight is they show empathy?

Do we show empathy? That we have to because so many of our experiences, past and present, past, even before we knew each other, are so aligned that there are so few people that I can talk to that can understand some of the stuff that's going on in my life, right from where we and where the schools we go to, the parents we have, the areas we grew up, the type of things you dealt with in this school, I mean all of it, the path through marriages and career

Yeah, no, that makes sense. And I think also the question is when you're maybe having a disagreement or you're having a tough conversation, can you put yourself in the other person's shoes and can you say, you know, I don't feel like this, but I can try to imagine.

Am I crazy that I don't do if we look at it that way? Yeah, it's I have a very difficult time and that to empathize with, because especially if you're receiving incoming right, this is a person who's beating you down, who is hurting you, who is frustrating you, who is absolutely going crazy here, And it's hard to comfort a person that is assaulting in that emotional way. At least I should say, so.

That's emotionally yes, I should say that distinction. Yes, yes, But I always feel like I'm trying to do better with that too, instead of to react to feel like, Okay, what's he thinking? What's he feeling? With that kind of empathy, what.

Does it always say when we have a fight. It's never, It's never. The crime is the cover up is essentially never what actually happened. It's how the defense of what happened handled, what happened is no, I cannot remember think you've ever done that actually pissed me off to the point we'd have a fight. Yeah, but it's how you respond to it.

Do you respond to him based off of what you're thinking? Maybe he feels.

Oh, absolutely like, and I absolutely think that causes problems because what he thinks is not what I think. And I can think I know what he thinks, but actually and I think the same as reverse. I'm like, I've even said something and you're like, that's what you thought was in my head. Lol, not that you say all the well, but that's the opposite of what I was thinking. And then I'm floored by that.

You want to know what I think. Here's here's a trick I'll tell you. I mean, there's nothing else talk about. You don't have to wonder what I think. I tell you.

I think that's so. I've never been with someone who just says exactly what they think. That seems impossible to me. You have to keep things and like actually be thinking things that you aren't saying.

So I tell you, but you you assigned some things sometimes to where well you said this and then I thought this, But I knew that had to mean, but then it came across like, huh no.

Baby, that's what women do.

I said what I said, do not. This is not up for interpretation. It doesn't need to go through a filter of any kind, no Google Translate. I said it. That's what I've meant, so bad thing.

And I am not like that at all. It's so funny.

Number nine is they make time for laughter.

Oh oh, we prioritize that and always have even in our friendship. That was I think one of our big found it. We found the same things funny. Some times it's some dark humor, but I knew I had a someone who thought things were funny that maybe other people don't.

We have the same twisted sense of human and that works. We do things out. And yeah, there's some things I point out to you that I won't point out to other people correct because they would.

Think I'm yeah, you know what, though, I really think laughter is our lifeblood. I really constantly.

Yeah, we always have a good time. So yeah, that's a good one. Okay, okay strong Yeah.

Yeah.

And this final one is they express gratitude. And I'm going to kind of ask the same question they did for active listening. What do you define as gratitude.

I think showing appreciation for the other person and when you see them do something for you, or yeah, to actually say out loud, I appreciate that, thank you, and I think we're good at that. I definitely feel gratitude, and you, your men, you've expressed it as well, like I feel. I feel that from you, and I I wonder if you feel that from me.

Yes, I mean what does I mean? It always comes out in different ways. There's you know, I find it gratitude when you go out of your way to make sure you clean the kitchen after I cook an elaborate meal or whatever that is. There's an a pre like it's it's almost you won't allow it to happen, or you want to make sure you contribute. You want to make sure you say thank you in some way, and

Thing now, yeah we do. We are real we are really strong on that. Wow.

Do you think the gratitude helps with better decision making?

Absolutely? I just think having gratitude in life is important because it's so easy to complain and to point out what's wrong or what isn't good enough or what should have been done differently. But if you can like shift that and say, but what did they do right? What do they do that I appreciate and really focus on that and then acknowledge it, I think that goes a long way in having your focus shift, and that is super important, I think to a healthy relationship.

And I didn't want to do I don't like doing compare. We saw our gratitude. We were on the way here and everybody looked like they were having the worst day ever. Yeah, and I don't like to do the comparative suffering. So well, I feel gratitude that I am not in that position. We actually got up, I had a bad night of sleeping, was up very early and everything was off and had it was kind of a wonky morning.

We're a little longer the weather.

Yeah, and I'm feeling great, yeah, and smiling all morning. That's gratitude. I appreciate where we are, what we have, the things we have going, the wonderful things that happened with even Sabine last night that had big smiles on our faces. And we're going to be seeing your little one in Spain very soon, and so all those things are I'm grateful for, not comparing to anything else. Look where I was a year ago or two years ago. It's just this moment being present. I love it. I'm blessed.

Yeah, I think that has a huge impact. When you can focus on that, then everything just gets better and all all boats rise. Like if it's also I think when you're in a relationship with somebody, if they're in a good mood, if they're grateful, it's contagious and the

Yeah, right, so we're doing all right. So, folks, I wonder what if people went through that and they're going to do something differently in their relationships. Now we'll focus on something differently.

I hope that anyone listening just maybe jotted some of

What's the thing after mayor and when you get married after a few years, you're just building a case against each other.

Oh wow, that's depressing.

Give us the list one, lad, just go through it. Here are the folks, the ten things. These are the keys to a healthy and happy relationship according to people who are in healthy and happy relationship. So what are they again?

And Number one they stay present and engaged. Number two they make time for real conversations. Number three they apologize and they forgive. Number four, they practice active listening. Number five, they're honest with each other. Number six, they use eye statements during conflict. Number seven they check in regularly. Number eight they show empathy. Number nine they make time for laughter. And number ten they express gratitude.

Okay, so I'll remember that we haven't tried the I thing in a tough conversation. I can try to do that. I'm going to do better at apologizing quicker and always trying to remember to empathize.

All right, I will do better about the empathy. I'll keep that in mind. And it's a constant work to be quicker, to forgive, It's a constant constant for me. So I'm working. I've gotten a little better. So it used to be three days, that was down to about two and a quarter.

I mean, I know, I actually think you're I actually truly think you're down to less than a day, day, less than a day. Big improvement.

Thanks minute, all right us, Well, we appreciate you as always spending some time with us here on the podcast was a Yelser