Welcome everyone to this Saturday edition of Amy and TJ.
And I read.
An article in Forbes magazine, TJ. That caught my attention.
What do you think you read forbed them? Nice?
Yes, every now and then I have some high brow moments.
Nice, very nice.
I'm really interested in.
The economy and how I can further my investments. No, but this one actually was about a relationship. This actually you had nothing to do with an investment or money of any kind. But perhaps it's the thing that we can invest in the most each other exactly.
I like how you pick that up?
All right, So what would you think of this headline? Just one minute of focused attention can transform your relationship.
One minute of focused attention, that's what the headline says.
Yep, one minute.
So they're talking about daily, but sixty seconds every day a focused attention can transform your relationship.
Do you buy it?
Uh? You know what? I buy it enough that I would go click, which I assume was what that headline was meant to do, was to get me.
To click, which is exactly what I did.
So, yes, I'm curious. But let's if we're going to take it step by step. Just hearing that I would go, Okay, obviously.
That's bs you'd be I rolling right, Okay, So here's I like the concept. So the researcher or the psychologist who notes several studies and own anecdotal personal evidence from just their own practice, said that people make the mistake of thinking that big events are what define a relationship, that's what stands out in a relationship, But it's actually the small, repeated rituals that actually end up reassuring your partner.
Did they give you examples of big events? What were we talking about? We literally talk about marriage or engagement, a first date and that kind of stuff. Actually think flowers or.
I think it's the grand gestures. People think, oh, I've got to I've got to go out for a big date night, or I need to make a plan for this vacation for just the two of us, and they're thinking those are the moments that we should focus on as a couple. But actually it's all wrong, that's what they're saying. It's actually all the small, little daily things that end up deciding whether or not your relationship is successful and long lasting or not. So sixty seconds is
what they're talking about. Sixty seconds a full undivided attention. You want some examples of what that could look for?
Well, what makes you I understand what you're saying. These researchers are saying you can improve your relationship by simply giving your partner sixty seconds of your time undivided.
Yes, and this is a decision daily. So they're talking about no cell phone in hand. Yeah, no multitasking going on, yeah, no rushing around. There's no where you had like, it doesn't feel rushed. It's just an intentional minute devoted to the partner.
What. Okay, So there are some examples.
Okay, here's an example, one minute of a long hug.
Okay, why are you laughing?
I'm imagining us hugging with the timer on.
Okay, does cuddling count?
Yes? Yes, So they've recited a twenty twenty two study. I've seen tons of these studies that say with just a twenty second hug, you have your cortisol levels, your stress levels are immediately reduced.
Like it's palpable. They have wired people up and even a twenty.
Second hug has a significant neurological impact. So imagine if you just said, sometimes I come up to you and I just say, can I have a hug.
That is that annoying?
It's well, it depends on if you're asking for it because you just did something to piss me off.
Oh yeah, no, it's not that. I'm just joking. Stop, No, I'm just thinking, like in the morning sometimes.
No, of course it's not annoying. Who gets annoyed? If anybody out there gets annoyed by a hug or a request for a hug. No, how many hugs have you ever had that didn't feel good? Few?
We've had some only from someone I didn't like or I didn't like at the time.
Yes, but if your spouse, your maid, the anybody you like puts their arms around you, and the embrace always feels good. So you're telling me a sixty second.
Hug, it changes the day.
You're telling me that every couple out there that's struggling start with this. Yeah, put your arms around each other for sixty seconds a day.
You know what I would say, that can't hurt, can't hurt, It can't hurt. So that was one example. One minute of a long hug. Okay, one minute where you share a moment of gratitude with each other. So they're saying it could be first thing in the morning, last thing at night where you just say something you're grateful for about the other person. You just make a note of letting the other person know.
What you're grateful for.
Ever done anything like that. No, I've never tried to nam Ah to sit down and do that kind of routine.
It's so interesting that you say that, because they absolutely say that it will feel strange at first. It will absolutely feel strange at first. But if you incorporate one or both or some of these practices daily, And that was it has to be consistent, and it has to be intentional. And they actually they have some suggestions and we'll get into them about how you can make this a constant thing, how to make it stick.
So to speak.
But they said, give it two to three weeks before you say this is so dumb, this is so silly, this doesn't matter. Give it two to three weeks and see and then you'll know, and they claim you'll recognize that it absolutely is a game change. Who's the researcher is this psychologist you have Forbes magazine just going through all of their resources. But another thing they said, in the morning, you could check in for one minute and say how can I support you today? What's your day like?
And is there anything I can do to support you today? That's sweet. That sounds like a dream to me. If every day your partners, Hey, what's your day like? And is there any way I can support you today?
Man, y'all hope everybody's writing this down. Two out of the three at least can be done instantly, yep, Like you can start this tomorrow. But when you go about your day, it's not just amount of saying, hey, what you got going which can show a level of interest, and that's fine, But when you take it a step further, how can what all you've got going on? How can I make that load easier? Ah? How can I assist?
Do you instantly feel like gratitude towards the person who asks you that?
You immediately feel that. It feels so supportive and you feel connected.
That's a good one.
Okay, I like that too. I like this one too, because sometimes you're not always in the best place with your partner. Sometimes you're annoyed, sometimes there are issues. So they say it's okay to do We're really good, right, Yeah, But they say it's okay to do a one minute silent ritual, which means holding hands. Just go and hold your partner's hand for one minute. You don't have to say anything. They even suggested this seemed funny to me, and I laughed picturing this.
But forehead to forehead, I don't see us doing that, right, that's funny?
Was that being forehead to forehead?
You just put your forehead to your partner's forehead and you say nothing, but you're connected. That's a very intimate thing to do that you would not do with anyone else.
The movie posters of that, like some love stories and they have forehead to forehead.
Have we ever we might have like touched fore heads? Yeah, but we that's usually don't We don't linger.
Yeah, well it's cuddling. We don't stand in a hall while you're touching its okay, all right.
And then the other thing was you could do breathwork like breathing together with that also, I would just start laughing. That's the thing we have that we have that friendship like two kids who should not sit next to each other in school friendship.
We would just.
Start laughing if we had to do breathwork together, Like I don't think I could ever do yoga with you, because I would just start laughing. I would just start laughing at watching you.
You don't think I could handle yoga, is what you say?
I think you would look hilarious doing yoga.
Why I just do Maybe you'd be sexy and you'd be amazing.
I don't know, but I have it. It's something we could try.
All right, So I think Wait, those were five?
Yeah, those were some of you tell me.
The one before the last one, it was something I wanted to get at. What was it?
What?
So?
That was a one minute morning check in and then after you find out what they're doing, you ask how can I support you today?
That's a really really good one. And the last one was what.
That was just a silent ritual holding hands for a minute.
I was gonna ask, does it count if you're holding hands walking down the street.
Well, they said you shouldn't be distracted or or multitasking, gotcha?
So I don't think that counts.
No, what if? So you shouldn't be watching a movie and holding hands?
Should it's not part of this practice? Like, that's great to do that, but this is actually an intentional We're just gonna sit and it's about feeling and acknowledging the connection, and so that's part of what it is, where you actually it's not just a habit where you're just like, oh, inadvertently touching each other.
This is I am intentionally connecting to you.
That's good. I like that with the I thought about that because you said sitting in silence, I was, and then holding hands. It made me think of this happened. It's happened a couple of days recently. And we both laughed out loud after I said it. But we're walking down the street, we're holding hands, and then after a block or two we haven't said anything, and I say.
Are we in a fight?
Are we fighting?
Like, no, we're just taking in all the sights and sounds and whatever. But no, that is true because it feels weird, like why are we not talking right now? But I actually think sometimes that's a level of comfort, all right. For the skeptics out there.
The article has a lot of.
Good points to try and combat any skeptics out there. First of all, they said to think about this sixty seconds, this minute as a deposit in your emotional bank account. So research shows that couples who stayd together consistently make far more deposits than withdrawals.
What is a withdrawal?
You ask, any time you ignore your partner or you dismiss your partner, whether you realize it or not, you are there is a withdrawal that is being made where your your other partner feels less connected, they feel misunderstood. So that is the negative. The positive is the connection.
I'm so sorry. Tell me it's a deposit. It and it withdraw from your what.
Bank account, emotional bank account, and how you're viewing your connection to your partner. So they say the magic ratio, and I've seen studies saying this exact same number. For every negative interaction you need at least five positive ones to counter it. So so resentment doesn't build, because if you can't have a five to one ratio, resentment builds. And so for every negative interaction, you need five positive ones.
Because that's those are the ones that stick with us. Yeah, it takes a lot more over coming.
Because we are we're protecting ourselves. We're scared of rejection, we're scared of losing the connection, and so we harp on that. So the daily practice of sixty seconds guarantees at least one positive deposit each day. So you're getting ahead of the game, so to speak.
Well, we're okay loans, we don't have a negative one. We don't have to do five deposits every day.
Correct if it's for every negative, right.
So we should want to build up as me deposits.
You want to have as much money in the bank as you can.
Right. So they say, I love this. This is what the study found. Every time think about this as from your personal standpoint, be honest with yourself. Every time you're ignored, even and that's what they call a small rejection. But being ignored is a small rejection resentment and distance builds and it accumulates.
And that's so true.
Say that again.
Every time you're ignored by your partner, it's considered a small rejection. And that was builds and distance then builds. You're starting to build a wall, like you start to protect yourself.
It's what humans do.
Do they give any examples of what type of being ignored big things, small things, and just they say, anytime you feel ignored, yes, yes.
That you need to pay attention to that, that that matters. And so they said, getting this sixty seconds is the one thing. They said, I appreciated this the sixty seconds thing that's sustainable, like you can do that. Everyone has one minute to be intentional with their partner, and they say it's powerful. They're calling it a micro habit, meaning it's considered too small to fail, and yet it works. So they're calling this sixty second ritual a micro habit.
What are we? I mean, where are we that we're asking that little of our partner? I mean, I guess do most of us give more than sixty seconds? It seems bizarre that this is all that takes. I guess it's baby steps, but that's a really really small baby step to say that. Can you again? I always when we start these relationship chats, I come back to it, boom, everybody ask have you given your partner sixty seconds of your undivided attention today?
Damn it's harder than you think, especially when you have kids, especially when you're racing around. You're managing all the things that we manage as adults, and it's kind of crazy to think about it like that. All right, So I think I'm I'm bought into this plan. I think it's cool. I like how it's sustainable, and I like the fact that it seems like it makes a lot of sense to me logically.
So how do we make it stick?
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code iHeart for twenty percent off and free shipping. Welcome back to this edition of Amy and TJ, where we are talking about a pretty cool concept that came from Forbes' magazine. This notion that all it takes is one minute each day, sixty seconds of undivided attention towards your partner, and that that intention, that one minute can transform your relationship for
the better. And so we talked about what it is that you could do, what you should do, what we should all be doing, probably in our relationships each and every day. But how do you make it a happen? How do you make it stick well? One of the suggestions from the researchers was to tie it to something you do every day. So you're about to brush your teeth in the morning or in the evening, like that's like when you think about, oh I need to brush
my teeth, that's the moment you do it. It needs to be tied to something that you know you're going to do every day. The other thing they said was to make sure it's pressure free. It's not always going to be a magical sixty seconds, like somehow we think, oh, this sixty seconds is going to be this beautiful. Sometimes
it isn't, but you do it anyway. And I thought that was cool, like just to lower the expectations of what these seconds might be and even on rush days when maybe because they said you could decide together when you're gonna do it, or you can individually decide to do it. But they said you can remind one another gently, Hey, do you want to take our one minute now? Like when things get crazy and maybe you're feeling the tension, you could say to your partner, hey, can we take our one minute now?
And again, this is supposed to be undivided. It's not just a matter of spending time together. So if we're in the kitchen and you're cutting up celery and I'm over there making a margarita, that doesn't count.
No, in fact, you did, Hey, can we put our knives down? Can we put our phones down? And can we take our minute? Whatever that is? It's a hug, it's a handhole.
Well it's yeah, that's fun. Do you think we get anywhere close to a minute a day?
I don't know if it's a minute consecutively, like, yes, we do things for each other, but is it a full sixty seconds?
I don't know.
We should put a timer on it a couple times and just see what happens. Like how uncomfortable is a sixty second hug?
I don't know.
See not the hug? I think we get in more than sixty seconds a day. And I say it because I'm just gonna start reeling off some things undivided though undivided. The time you get in conversation with me laying down in the bed, the time you remember me on my knees while you're still laying in the bed, I'm sitting there looking up talking to you about something. The time I lay my head on your stomach. A lot of this involved me laying on you in somewhere. Apparently we
have these moments that we stop. We're not trying to, we're not consciously making a decision to do so. But there are times where, for like, I stop and I look at you and I'm talking to you about something other than work, that nothing else is going on.
Yeah, I think, yes, I hear you.
I also think a lot of times we have moments but we're taking a quick break from the computer or from a movie, or from preparing dinner or lunch. Like there's we're all always doing something while we're connecting, and so I just think that's a unique spin to not be doing anything else. That's where I think the challenge is. They also said for parents, a really good time to do. This is right after you put your kids to bed. That makes a lot of sense. You put your kids
to bed, you say, let's take our minute now. Or they say, if you're a long distance, if you're away from each other, you can keep it up with a one minute call. That doesn't seem like much, but one minute text or a voicemail, but just something to let the other person know. The idea is to let the other person know you're thinking of them, you're prioritizing them, you're connecting to them, you're showing them that you love them.
I think that is what it is. And they say, yes, I said this earlier, but give it two to three weeks. Don't judge the outcome until you give it.
That much time.
You want to try it, I would like to try it. I think we could try it and then report back in three weeks. I think that sounds like fun. And the end of the article. I liked this last line. They want to to let everyone who is willing to try to recognize that the transformation happens from what the
ritual symbolizes. It's not the ritual itself. It's that you are prioritizing your love that it's what it's about It's not how you do it or when you do it necessarily, but it's the fact that you're doing it, that you're making time for it despite all the stresses in life. You're saying, this is important enough that I am going to take a beat literally sixty seconds and invest in us.
I like it. Okay, you brought me around.
All right, very cool? Well, hey, and we love to hear what you all think. So if anyone else wants to try it out there and if you want to read the article, it's in Forbes. But it was a great read and it got me thinking about something we can all do to improve the relationships in all of our lives. And with that, thank you for listening to us on this Saturday. I'm Amy Roboch along with TJ.
Holmes. Have a great day, everybody.
That two