School of Humans. Hello, filth heads, how are you guys doing?
So?
Today's episode is our recording of American Filth Live. Again, thank you so much to everyone who came out. We had a really good time. And the thing about the episode is it's very silly. We have some interviews, we have some fake advertisements, we have a lot of stuff going on. So if you don't want to listen to this version of the episode, we will be making this also a regular episode that will come out next week, so it will be like the same content, but without
all the tomfoolery. Also, by the way, American Filth Live was in June, so when I reference it's Pride Month, that's what I'm talking about. I know it's no longer Pride Month, but it was recorded in June. Just you guys know that. And again, yes, we'll have this content next week, but in the regular episode format. So I hope you guys enjoy American Filth Live.
And now it's time for American Filth.
Put your hands together for your host, Gabby Watts.
Julia is this Mike on hell? Yes, give it up for Julia and the back everyone, We give it up for yourself. And before we start actually, can I invite the the flag up on stage? Everyone, let's stand for the Pledge of Allegiance. I'm just kidding up, We're not gonna do it, Okay, all right everyone, It's Pride Month. So of course it's important not just to yasify our lives, but also to yasify American history and American filth is all about looking through history at a with a bict
actual revisionist lens. So we have prepared a academically rigorous presentation called gay or Nay Okay, where we're gonna look back at historical figures and ask if they were gay or nay. This is very important historical work. So first up, Alexander Hamilton. Give it up for Alexander Hamilton. Why would he be gay? Well, he had a very intimate friendship with a man named John Lawrence. Sure this was common in the era where dudes would have so called romantic friendships.
But that sounds pretty freaking gay, am I right? Here's an example of their gayness. In seventeen seventy nine, Alexander Hamilton wrote this to John Lawrence.
I wish my dear Lawrence, that i'm it might be in my power by action rather than words to convince you that.
I love you men, loving men. Give it up for that. Okay. Actually he was probably by though, because he also liked to cheat on his wife with other women. Yay men, yay, okay. Up next we got George Washington. Why would the big GW be gay? Well, he's definitely an ally because he encouraged Hamilton and Lawrence to share a bunk during the Revolutionary War. He was like, y'all should definitely sleep together
in this teeny tiny little bit. And there's this one activist in historian who actually thinks Washington himself was gay. This is what this historian wrote.
In the case of Washington, he was a big queen.
Basically, he decorated everything.
He designed all the uniforms. I mean he even had opinions on the buttons. Oooh, that is rigorous historical analysis. If a man has a passion for interior design and fashion, he must be gay. Aha. Is it homophobic? Maybe? Okay? Up next, we got Benjamin Franklin. Benjamin Franklin, he was a great communicator. He held really great party parties. He was also, this is very suspicious, an ambassador to France gay. Okay. He was also responsible for the first male same sex
love story to be published in North America. He was like, these stories are so hot and the world needs to get off to them. Ooh, Julie, I gotta do the awuga s. She's our sound effects too. So was he gay?
Really?
He was more of an ally. He liked to support gay people by reading gay porn. Isn't that nice? Give it up for Benjamin Franklin. Lastly, we got this other guy. His name is Baron Friedrich von Steuben. He was a Prussian military man hired by George Washington to whip the Continental Army into shape during the darkest days of the Revolutionary War. They were super tired, overworked, and losing the war. But then von Steuben showed up and was like, wake up, girlies,
it's time to work, bitch. That's a direct quote. Anyway. He's known for his bravery and discipline and the grit he brought to the American troops, and historians believe that he lived as an openly gay man in the military at a time when sodomy was a crime, a crime of pa USI. And that's so convenient that we brought u von Steuben, because he's who the episode is about today. Wow, how convenient. He's our gay Prussian military king who whipped our American boys into shape so that they could fight
the British. So how did this Prussian suck his way over to America? Let's take a look. But first we have a revamped version of the theme song and our we have a special guest who is going to do some dancing along with it, and he needs a lot of room. Oh no, he already tumbled over. So Flag, will you come back on stage for a second? Give it up for Flag. Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben was born
September seventeen, seventeen thirty in Mondeburgh, Russia. His full name was Frijich Wilhelm Ludolf Gerhard Augustin and von Steuben, but later in life he changed into something much more manageable to Frijich Wilhelm Augustus Henry Ferdinand von Steuben. Von Steuben came from a genteel military family, so he grew up loving war. When he was just fourteen years old, his dad took him to the Siege of Prague because it was bring your son to ward day. You might say
loving war. That sounds pretty heterosexual. But what do you do in war? Hang out with men, train with men, fight with men, ergo touch lots of man ass and fence with your bulging swords. Anyway, Von Steuben got his first salary job in the Prussian army when he was sixteen years old in seventeen forty six. But he really started slaying like ten years in during the Seven Years War when he was fun fact which was fun fact
seven years okay. But since von Sdewen was so good at war, he was promoted to a prestigious regiment, which is how he met the Prussian King Frederick the Great, and also Frederick the Great's brother, Prince Henry. Henry and von Steuw had became lifelong friends. And the thing about these two royal brothers where they were as gay as unicorns on paupers. Yeah, LGBTQ needs a p for Prussian
King Frederick the Gay only liked male courtiers. He liked homo erotic art and he one time wrote a letter to his secretary, who was French, which again gay, and the letter said.
This miss emeroids Seliu affect Vodkovij and Julia.
What does that mean?
It means my hemorrhoids affectionately greet your cock.
M So, yes, there's a lot of evidence that points to King Frederick being a bit of a homo. Okay, so von Steuben. He was around a lot of gay energy and you, as we all know, being gay is contagious. At the end of the Seven Years War in seventeen sixty three, King Frederick the gay, I mean the great sir an elite school. And one of those soldiers who got into the elite school was von Steuben. But all of a sudden, for reasons unknown, von Steuben was kicked
out of the school and discharged from the army. What happened? He was the top dog and now he's the bottom bitch. This is all that von Steuben had to say about it.
My command is in my thoughtful King took notice of me and preferred me on my service in the Seven Years War.
I have no reason to be ashamed.
At the close of this war, the rancor of an implacable enemy frustrated my expectations of an appropriate reward. To say it, in one word, I found myself compelled to quit the Prussian service.
Why does von Seuan have a British accent? We don't know anyway. This is so mysterious. Who is this implacable enemy. Some historians think that King Frederick the Gay forced Von Steuben to leave. And I know what you guys are thinking. Could they have been gay lovers and had a lover's quarrel? Yes, that would be perfect for the HBO Max adaptation of this live American filth episode, but unfortunately no real historian has suggested that. But as a Fakensurian, I am proposing
that is exactly what happened. But von Steuben, our gay little soldier, he was in a tough spot. He lost his job and he didn't have any other skills except for war. He got another job working with another random prince and was essentially demoted from a soldier who might one day be a general to a prince's babysitter. And he did this for eleven years, all while dreaming about his time on the battlefield, watching those sweaty asses and tight chaps kill each other.
Hmm.
Finally, in seventeen seventy five, when von Steuben was like forty five, the prince he was working for ran out of money, and Von Steuben was like, I guess I'll go back to pursuing my dream of becoming a heroic general. Enter Benjamin fucking' Franklin, the ally, the reader of gay porn. Yeah, that was basically at Theodore. That's good. Ah. So Benjamin Franklin, he was in France because he was looking for mercenaries to hire for the American Revolution. Okay. So Von Steuben
he was like, I'm gonna go to Paris. I'm gonna meet up with Benjamin Franklin and try to be a mercenary. Okay. So he went to Paris. He met with the French war minister who was like, don't tell anyone, but we also belting the Americans bag at the croissant, etc. And then Von Steuben went to go meet up with Franklin, who was very impressed with Von Steuben. He was like, yeah, you got some good chops that we be needed in
America right now. The war isn't going well. But then Franklin was like, unfortunately, we cannot pay you, saw we mah. But Von Steuben was desperate. He was like, hey, I will work for free, just promise me that the Congress will reimburse me later if we win. Franklin was like Nope, can't guarantee that either, and we can't pay for your travels to America either, but if you'll come and do it all for free, come and join us. This pissed off on Steuben, and he wrote this.
He told me that with an air and matter to which I was little accustomed, and immediately I took my leave without further explanation.
I was disgusted by Franklin's declaration.
On Steuben left in a huff, rejecting the offer to work for free. Not very American of him, ugh, But see, the Americans needed help. The Prussian armies were awesome at war. Von Steuben had a lot of great experience, and by comparison, the American army fucking sucked. Okay, So, just to get a sense of how the American Revolution was going at the time, in the State of the American Army, we actually have a very special guest. Okay, everyone put your
hands together, introducing come on, clap it up. Martha Washington. Hey, hey, hey, Martha.
Tis I Martha Washington.
It is tis an authentic representation of Martha Washington. Everyone you a tea to a tea? Oh you guys don't like tea, do you? Because you know the Boston Done. Never mind, Okay, too soon, too soon, I'm so sorry. All right, Martha Washington, as we all know, you're the wife of George Washington, and he's obviously a big part of the American Revolution. So I was just wondering, how is he doing?
I get it.
Okay, all right, this is what happens when you're married to a celebrity. Okay, it's always hey, Martha, where's George.
It's never hey Martha. How are you doing?
Martha? How are you doing? I'm so thank you for asking what's been going on with you?
Well, while I'm not enjoying some waves of consumption or normalized domestic abuse, I do have my baking and my sewing circles and my louding parties.
That's opium.
Some people think that, they say, Martha, I think you have an opium problem. The only problem I have with opium is there's never enough opium.
Ah, That's what they always say, especially in Ohio. U. So I also here with your sewing business. You're sorry, starting a sewing business, and what are you actually making?
Well?
The thing is that war is expensive. As you know, it is a privilege to raise war. So now what we I have to do in my sewing circles. Is I'm actually making badger breeves. It's some briefs for the soldiers made out of badgers. H well, what, well, the thing is is that the badger seem to be plentiful. You know that India is not just known for its silks and it's tantric sex, It's also known for its spices.
Okay, so you.
Put a little cumin on your bloomers, and the badgers just love that.
It's something that something about the pheromones.
And then you just bam, You just catch them a little badger snatch right there, and they and they lusom to sleep.
You just keep holding them like a lobster in water, and they just go.
And then you turn that into some badger briefs and you got yourself a sustainable undergarment.
Wow, we love sustainability. Thank you. So going back to the war just a little bit. I so the conditions at Valley Forge aren't great. Apparently the soldiers are wearing rags, there's hardly any food, they don't have very functional weapons. Cal what's your take on all of that.
Well, it is difficult to keep up morale for the soldiers. George I sort of think of like George is like their daddy, and so that makes me like their mommy, and so well, you know you know what that means.
I don't got to take care of them. What does that mean? Oh?
Well, sometimes I have the soldiers dress up in George's wig and see if they can survive the winter in Valley Forge badger snatch.
That's interesting. That didn't make any sense, but I appreciate it. Martha Dimension, Where's Opium World? We don't and we didn't have a budget for that for the show today. But I also hear you've been doing some baking.
Oh yes, bacon.
Actually, I have one of my samples right here.
Oh thank god, my delicious little sample. That's right.
This is one of my home baked home baked BlackBerry blackbird pie.
What's it made out of?
These blackberries and blackbirds? It's all one.
It's an original recipe that I stole from the people I own e'xtil.
Great. Well, yeah, I kind of want to talk to you about that, because I mean, there's that sort of hypocrisy where y'all are fighting for independence, but at the same time you and George actually have enslaved people. So how do you kind of like reconcile that.
Okay, listen, slow down, all right, Joan of Arc, where's the fire too soon?
All right? Listen, One revolution at a time, Okay. I here's what I'm thinking.
After we fight and when our independence, then I'm certain. I am sure, mark my words, there will be a windfall of justice and equality and freedom for those people. I bet it's gonna be a good time twelve years of slay.
I can say that because I own people.
Well, I guess, Martha, I want to do one last thing. I hear you've been giving a lot of pep talks to the soldiers. I was wondering if you could give us an example of one of those. That's right.
You know, it's important to have a little little motivation, right your troops. We're no strangers to live. You know the rules, and so do I. There once was a man from Nantucket whose pie was so good you could fuck it. So he took out his member and this pie he did enter, and then he told the British to suck it. Yeah, let's get out there and get troops.
Everyone, please give it up for Martha Washington and her exquisite. Please hate your pie. And that's the freedom we're all fighting for, isn't it. Yes, God bless America. Ah, let's get back to von Steuben. Okay, well it does, sure it does sound based on what Martha was saying, it does seem like the American armies need some help. But von Steuben again, he didn't want to work for free. So what he did is he applied to work at
another royal court. But before he could get the job, he got canceled his old employer that Prince had received an anonymous letter that claimed that Baron von Steuben had been diddling young boys. And if I was editing this episode as usual, I would add the thunderclap sound effects. So Julia, please do a thunderclap? Can you do it? Louder? Okay, great, thank you Trulia. So yes, von Steuben is being accused
of being a pedophile. I don't like that. I will take a stand and say I am very much against pedophiles. Thank you, thank you, thank you. But let's remember back then, most people saw homosexuality as a nasty perversion, unlike now when everyone is okay with it. And throughout history, people have unfairly linked being gay with being a pedo, But
there's no evidence that von Steuben molested little boys. Okay, yes he did have relationships with much younger men, but they never fell into the age range where that was like majorly ichy. It was just sometimes like somewhat uncomfortable. So when bon Steuben saw this letter, he was like, fuck it, I'm going to America to work for free, and we'll be right back after these soothing advertisements.
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Oh stop it, okay. So, before von Steuben arrived in America, Benjamin Franklin did some rebranding for the baron. He was, like von Steuben. He was in the personal service of King Frederick the Great. He was a general. But we all know he was actually not a general and was kicked out of the army.
But sh where are rebranding?
Go with it? But why did he come to America. It was definitely not because he ran out of money and was chased out of Prussia for alleged pedophilia. It's just because he's so passionate about the American cause. Still, when he arrived, George Washington was a bit skeptical of von Steuben. He probably knew the real reason why Von Steuben left Prussia and that he was a little bit gay.
And when von Steuben arrived at Valley Forge, he had with him three very gay items, an Italian greyhound, a Parisian cheft, and the gayest thing of all, an actor. This actor was his personal assistant, a seventeen year old who was also rumored to be his lover. So, yes, that is a bit young, but not like little boy young. Okay, oh shit. Anyway, Von Steuben hardly spoke any English, so Washington was like, I guess we need to get you some assistants who speak a language that you also speak, French.
So Washington assigned him John Lawrence and Alexander Hamilton, the gay lovers aka romantic Friends from the Gay Ornay presentation at Valley Forge. All the gays basically were gaggling together. Washington appointed Von Steuben to the position of acting Inspector General. So he went around the army camp acting and inspecting, and what von Steuben saw was appalling compared to the Russian the Prussian army standards. The American soldiers were living
in American filth. It's the name of the show, get it, that's the name of the show. Anyway, They were staying in little tents, had ragged clothes, their weapons were broken, and they hardly had any food to eat. Dudes were pissing and shitting all over the place willy nilly, like when an animal dyed, the soldiers would strip it of its meat and just leave the rest out. There to rot. Another huge issue was one of them actually knew how
to fight well. They weren't trained. So von Stupin was like, honey, this is gross. You deserve better. Love yourself, bitch, let's get to work. This is like the power. Like Creed Montage. Von Stupin organized the camps to be more hygienic. He was like, crazy, idea, but what if we put the kitchen and bathrooms on opposite side of the camps. That way you won't be shitting your food. He also improved
the weaponry. For example, the soldiers were using bayonets as skewers for their sausages, and then von Sewen was like, hey, actually you could use them to kill people. The biggest task was getting these boys in shape and ready for battle. So he wrote a new battle manual, inking new chapters every day, and when he talked about the weapons, well, he was pretty erotic in that manual. Julia rida some of the manual.
Bring the right hand briskly and place it under the cock. Quits the butt with the left hand and sees the firelock at the swell.
Bring the left hand down strong upon the butt.
Bring the butt of the under the right arm, letting the piece down strong on the left hand which receives the swell, and the muzzle pointed directly at the front, the butt pressed with the arm against the side.
Who Who's hard? It's like, are you sure he was talking about the muskets, because I'm about to musquite.
Even though von.
Steuben didn't speak much English, the soldiers really respected him. This is what one soldier said about him.
He seemed to me a perfect personification of Mars, the ancient fabled god of war. The trappings of his horse, the enormous holsters of his pistols, his large size, and his striking martial aspect all seemed to favor the idea he turned the volunteers into a great army.
Oooh, his big pistols. A lot of the soldiers like Von Steuben's eccentric personality. One of his quirks was that he would cuss all the time. He liked to use profanity in a lot of different languages, and he only knew one curse word in English, which was goddamn and goddamn Von Steuben. He liked to have parties. He'd invite groups of officers to his quarters at Valley Forge and
encourage a touch of homosexuality for all who attended. For example, Von Steuben's actor lover assistant wrote this about one of the parties.
Vun Steuben invited a number of us to dine at his quarters on the condition that no one should be admitted.
That is wearing a whole pair of breeches. Woone's pretty gay. Okay. But since we don't know explicitly what went on at these parties, we have a special guest. He was a military officer who was invited to this specific pantless party. So please welcome to the stage, unnamed soldier.
All right, Well, it's a pleasure to be here tonight.
Thank you, name soldier, Thanks name host all right? Okay, So, un names, so you got this invite to this pantless party. So how did you feel when it said you didn't you can't wear pants to it? How did that make you feel? Well?
As it clearly states in the Catholic Constitution, to thine own breaches be true. Now, as a Catholic man and an enlisted soldier, I am duty bound to follow the command and honor my commanding officer. So while I did have some reservations as a Catholic. I found myself.
Needing to attend as an enlisted man, so I did such.
So what did you end up wearing to the party.
Well, in one of Martha's opium infused sewing circles, I found myself wearing one of the badger briefs more of a thongish just.
A word I made up?
Did you put it on you herself?
I do believe I am duty bound to follow my superior offers of Martha Washington.
Okay, great? Uh So when you actually went to the party, what was kind of going on inside? Like paint us a picture? What did it look like?
Upon entering the tent?
Uh? Noticed that a giant plume of what I can only describe as glitter infuseed oil and body humidity exited As I entered. What I gazed upon I noticed seemed to resemble some sort of upside down land. It was as though they had they had put things that were supposed to be on the floor on the ceiling. There There there were many cavalcades and and uh fountains of sorts, and uh it was honestly truly a sight to behold.
And uh, I guess what what? How did you feel when you entered that room, did you did you feel in changes happened.
As I looked around, and I noticed that there were a lot of participants really enjoying themselves. And and as some of the performance art started to continue, and the uh what I can only describe as greased up fancy men were wrestling with each other, I noticed that there was a change in my being, in my stature. You see, here's the thing. It's it's expensive in the war, we have to pass down pants. My pants were small, so they were extra tight.
Your badger briefs.
My badger briefs were extra tight, so wearing briefs, so they.
Became tighter upon going into the room with all of the other naked men.
Chagrin to confess, I.
Also chagrined to confess.
What I felt was what we Catholics like to call the devil's rigor in my pants. I am ashamed to say, but I am also not ashamed to confess.
That's what a good Catholic. I. Uh So, here's something that I was. Did you feel any pressure kind of like uh, not in your badger, but but like social pressure to participate? Because here's that I'm from the future. And there's this person called Lizo and one time she brought some of her dancers to a party in which they felt pressured to do some sexual acts that they didn't feel comfortable doing. Did you feel a similar thing to that with your superior officer inviting you to this party?
Well, I found that once the glitter had begun to infuse itself into my sweat and skin, that a different sort of haze came over me, some ideas and some feelings and suppressed thoughts that I really need my rosary beads for. But I've noticed that I seemed to be adjusting and taking things in stride a lot more than I expected to.
Yeah, well, Catholics are known for their flexibility, so that's great. So what was Baron von Steuben doing at this event?
Well, he was engaged in the most hedonistic act of all.
I noticed that there was a human.
Pyramid with him at the apex, and he was spewing strawberry jello.
From his butt.
Now we were all underneath, catching it in shot glasses and taking shots of this expelled strawberry jello. And there were spatoons all about to catch some of the more the pieces that were more solid than liquid.
Yes, everyone, this is an accurate historical account. So thank you. How I guess, I mean, how do you feel about it today? Like after the party was over? You know, how did you feel afterwards? A bit a bit raw? I bet?
Well, let's just say this whole thing has been a bit raw is Let's just say that I'm gonna really need to get back to my rosary beads.
Well, unnamed soldier, thank you so much for sharing that exquisite and very vivid account. Thank you so much. Oh the past. Okay, so remember von Steuben, Let's go back to him. Okay, he wrote this war manual. Well after that he started drilling the American soldiers himself, and it is during one spat of cursing and yelling at them with his limited English, that he met twenty five year old Benjamin Walker. Walker was a captain, and he was like, hey,
I speak French. I can interpret and translate for you. And von Steuman was like, goddamn, this man is hot. This is what he wrote about him, specifically.
If I'd seen an angel from heaven, I should not have more rejoiced.
Then Von Seuwmen met another captain, William North he was also a hot angel, and being young and hot were von Steuben's two requirements for his assistance. He was like, so long, Hamilton and Lawrence, I have found some much
hotter younger boys to assist me again, not a pedophile. Walker, North and von Steuben thus began a decade long romantic friendship slash threuple, and based on what historians have found in their letters, it does appears that they might have quite possibly but highly probably likely had sexual encounters, especially the young assistants North and Walker, and they might have also gone to Poundtown with von Steuben. He was their mentor both military and dadily. But romantic friendships and gay
sex aside. We got a war to fight, so we'll be right back after these soothing advertisements.
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Back to the end of our story about Baron von Steuben, Are you guys ready?
So?
With Von Steuben's helping guidance and his military manual, the Americans were able to defeat the British spoilers, and Baron von Steuben he became a celebrity and a war hero. In a letter, George Washington was like, von Steuben, you are a mega reason why we won the war. And listen to this. This is how Washington signed that letter.
I am my dear baron, Baron, You're most obedient and affectionate George Washington.
Yay, okay. But unfortunately, even with Steuben's great success, he still didn't have any money. The Congress finally got around to compensating the revolutionary war heroes. Von Steuben was like, finally I'm gonna get some cash, and instead they were like, here is a golden hilted sword. Thanks. That's like getting drink tickets for performing stand up in Villa Rica. Now I'm just kidding. They also gave him two thousand dollars, but that wasn't much and it was like eight years
of his life. So what they did instead is at the state of New Jersey, they were like, hey, come live here. We'll give you a free house. Thank you, New Jersey. So he moved there with his two boys, Captain North and Walker, and they quickly realized why they had been gifted this house. It had been seized from a loyalist and had been battered by the war, and they didn't have enough money to repair it, so they
just sold it back to the loyalist. What a trick Van Steuben was giving a given American citizenship at least even though he didn't speak any English still, which I guess is kind of a sleigh. But eventually he was granted a not broken house on an estate in upstate New York and given twenty five hundred dollars a year. So he North and Walker moved up North and had a gay old time all together. Von Steuben was decades older than them, and he wanted to make sure that
they had financial security after he died. So what he did is he adopted then, which was very common amongst the gaze of yor. Lon Seubin died on November twenty eighth, seventeen ninety four, a hero who changed the course of the war and ensured liberty in justice for rich people. North and Walker mourned him. Farewell daddy, Oh they missed him. North wrote this to Walker after von Steuben died, Oh, how.
Oft did I think of our friend.
How he would be pleased?
Could he see us enjoying the comfort which surrounds us, the decency, perhaps, I might say, the respectability with which we moved down the hill of life. But he is gone, and by and by you and I shall follow.
It will be better for the one who goes first. It is comfortless to be alone in the desert. And that's how we're gonna end the episode thinking about mortality. Yeah, he'll be up you death and guys. As always, we learn a lesson from American filth, and that lesson is drop the beat. You got it, Julia, you got it. That lesson is everybody is gay. Yes, I can welcome the cast back on the stage. The cast spark Michael, Judah Connor, all right, American Felt. This is a production
of School of Humans and iHeart Podcast. This episode was written by me Gabby Watson and Julia Chriscow. Julia also voiced the ads and pots and director of the whole Thing Jesse Niswagger with Benjamin Franklin. He also did the theme Yeah, Jesse, Judah Andrews with Martha Washington and n named Soldier Michael Wurris. Is the Statue of Liberty Connor Grinds Lions Dance's asoms and Mark Kendall did stand up.
Thanks to Noe Camera for the sound design, and give it up for a door for doing music, give it up for job for recording the whole thing, and give it up for yourself for being a film cut and listening to American film. Thank you so much time, Gabby, what Yeah? School of Humans