Welcome to Questions from the Closet. I'm Ben Schilaty.
And I'm Charlie Bird. Each episode we discuss a question that we commonly get asked as LGBTQ Latter-day Saints.
We're not trying to answer this question or come to consensus but simply sharing our perspectives. Today's question is, what is asexuality?
Ben and I are not terribly diverse and we share many opinions and life experiences. For example, we are both night owls.
However, there are some pretty big differences. For example, I can keep a schedule pretty well and Charlie can't.
I am horrible at going to bed I stay up like all night, and then sleep in or if I have to get up early and take a nap. I'm all over the place.
Well, you like stay up until like six in the morning and then go to bed at like nine The next night.
Yeah, it's bad.
Where I'm like, if I don't have work, my goal is like to get to bed by one every day.
I'm not very regimented. I used to be I'm not anymore. I like to have fun. So like I'm doing something fun. I'm just stay up all night. Or like, look at memes until four.
We'll see I used to do that I just can't sleep in anymore. So I need to go to bed. Otherwise I'll never get up.
I don't have a job right now and everything's online.
Yes, when I do have a job, I try and go to bed before 11.
We like to provide a variety of voices and perspectives. So today we're joined by Tearza Foyston.
Hi.
Tell us a little bit about yourself.
So I am 25 years old, long-standing member of the church is lifelong member of the church. I work professionally as a performer. I've worked overseas in Japan at Universal Studios. I've worked in Disney World in Florida and I currently work at Evermore Park in Pleasant Grove.
Wow. So what kind of performance did you do with those parks?
So at Disney, I worked at the Jungle Cruise. So I was basically a stand up comedian all day about plastic animals telling puns about plastic animals and then at Universal Studios. I worked as a singer in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. And then at Evermore...
Are you kidding me.
I'm so serious right now.
What did you sing?
Harry Potter songs? I don't know.
Oh, yeah.
Did you like hold pumpkins while you're saying?
We held frogs.
Oh, that's what they hold.
The frog choir. Yeah. So I was I was in the frog choir.
That's cool.
It was I mean, it was definitely one of the most wild experiences of my life. Yeah. Because it was like you are part of the wizarding world which is in England, but I was also overseas in Japan. So like, half of it was Japanese and half of it was English, but like British English, and then like, I'm American, obviously. So it was like a lot of identity confusion going on there. Right? Yeah, it was super good.
Well, my dream job is to work as a Skipper on the Jungle Cruise so I'm very jealous of you.
It is, I think that everybody should be a Skipper at some point in their life. Just because you learn so much about the whole world, you would you wouldn't think that you would because it's it's such a small facet of the world. But you see all kinds of things and learn all kinds of things. It is great.
Do you get to make up your own jokes, or is there like a script?
Um, so the first day that I got there, they handed me a 90 page script. And they were like, you have five days to learn this. And that was...
90 pages?!?
90 pages, 90 pages. They were like, you don't have to learn every single joke in here. But we do have sort of this script that you have to follow. But like, once you've started working there for a couple of months, like you start to deviate a little bit you're not supposed to do but people do. So there is a script, you're supposed to stick to the script, but most skippers have their own personal touch to it as well. Nice.
Ben, do you really think you're funny enough to do that?
To memorize the script? Yes. Yes, I do. But we're here to talk about asexuality.
Yeah.
So tell us what your experience is with asexuality?
Sure, so I am asexual, though that's what I sort of classify myself as right now as I grow that might change because I believe that sexuality is a fluid thing. But currently I identify as asexual hetero romantic. So those are two sort of different facets of the asexual community, you have the sexual and then the romantic
side. So you have asexual aromantic, asexual, homo romantic, homosexual, aromantic where like I'm sexually attracted to this person, but not romantically attracted to this person, two different categories. So I identify as asexual hetero romantic, which means that I am not sexually attracted to people, but romantically I am attracted to men.
What is that like that? I can't even imagine,
Right. So that's, that's super fair. And a lot of people can't like, in the same vein, I can't imagine being sexually attracted to people where a lot of people can't imagine not being sexually attracted to people. So like, I can confidently say that never once in my life have I looked at a person and been like, I want to have sex with that person. Never ever, ever. This includes people
that I've dated. This includes like celebrities, like your celebrity crush, like, what I want to do with my celebrity crush is like, sit down and have a nice meal. And like, maybe hug at the end.
Like that sounds lovely and so pure,
Right? Isn't it? Just, I, listen, I think I think that being asexual sort of allows us to look at different facets of relationships that a lot of people don't put a lot of stock into because the world is so sexual and so sexually driven that they that that is like the number one priority in a lot of relationships whereas in the asexual community, you can kind of focus on other different aspects that are, in my opinion,
more important than sexual. But I mean, again, I'm speaking from my own non sexual experience.
Yeah, well, I was actually gonna ask that because I was, I was wondering if it was easier to figure out your identity, because in our current culture, everything seems to be hyper sexualized.
100%. Um, it actually wasn't. So I didn't know that I was asexual until I was maybe like, 22 years old. And I'm 25 now, so fairly new to, to this sort of corner of the LGBT community. The problem that I found is that the language just doesn't exist, right? Like for, for other LGBTQ teens, like, everybody knows what gay is, everybody knows what being lesbian is. Everybody knows what bisexual is. But asexuality is often left out of the
conversation. And so I just sort of like, went through my teen years, just sort of waiting to get this like, urge that everybody else seemed to be having that I was not, right? And so my parents would be like, oh, you're just a late bloomer. My friends were like, oh, like, it'll happen, like, you'll meet the right person. And you'll feel some type some type of way, you know, whatever. And, and it never happened. And so I just kind of spent a lot of time like waiting and waiting and waiting
for this thing to happen. And it never did. And I didn't really understand like, what it was that I was waiting for, first of all, and also, like, just sort of feeling like, am I broken? Like, is there something wrong? Do I need to go see a doctor about this? Like, it's like, Is there something hormonally off that I'm just like, not getting that everybody else seems to be getting, but then on the flip side of it being like, everybody
else is lying. Right? Like, it's like, they can't be feeling this way. Because I don't feel this way. So I feel like everybody else is just sort of tricking me like they're all in on this joke that I'm not a part of. So just sort of feeling like, ostracized in that in that way. But when I found out what asexuality was through my friend, Michaela, who was also asexual, and I was kind of talking to her about like, man, I'm 22. And I just like, don't I don't, I just don't get
it, man. Like, it's it's supposed to happen. It's not happening. She's like, well, have you heard of asexuality? I was like, no, what, what is that, like? Well, it's pretty much exactly what you just explained. And so then through research and things like that, I'm like, oh, this, this is it,
you know. And so I think just making sure that people have access to that type of language is so important, because it will prevent kids from feeling the way that I did like feeling so ostracized from from reality, right? Because the world is so hyper sexualized, like, everything is sexual, like commercials, TV, music, everything is like, overwhelmingly sexual. And so when you are not feeling that way, it feels very, like almost like this, like shadow is like coming down on you. And you're
like, what is happening? Like, why, like, and I don't, I don't get it. I don't belong. And so yeah, I just think it's super important to make sure that that language exists for people to have access to.
Yeah, so finding that label helps you feel more validated and human.
Yeah, it helped me feel like I wasn't like the I wasn't broken. Because I think broken was sort of the the main feeling that I felt because everybody else seems to like have it all together and like, seems to be able to and even if their relationships and things weren't working out, like they got them, you know, and I and I dated, and I did all these things, but like, I never really wanted to, I felt more like pressured into doing because everybody else was
doing it. It was like, this is the societal norm so you have to do this too. Right?
As you're talking, I was thinking, you know, who are the asexual role models? Like I mean, where are the asexual characters in TV, I can't even name one.
There are not a lot. There's a lot that we have sort of adapted or like adopted into the community, but like, there's not a lot that are like explicitly, like said by the creators like this is an asexual character. One that I can think of is Todd Chavez from Bojack. Horseman. I don't know if you watch our show, I don't. But he has been explicitly stated that he is an asexual character.
Another one that we've adopted is Charlie Weasley from the Harry Potter series, who is like, never once seen dating or like being interested in people. He's like, I have my dragons. And that's what I have. And I love that and that's my thing. Another one is like Merda from Brave, she's like, I don't want any of these guys. I'm gonna be you know, my own princess. I'm gonna do my own thing. I don't want a relationship. I don't need this. So there's a few, but definitely not, not many.
Well, you can add Ammon from the Book of Mormon. He's like, No, I don't want to buy the princess.
Yeah. Ammon from the Book of Mormon, he's a good one.
I've already decided that he's gay, so...
I kind of like him more as an asexual.
Okay, that's fine.
We have enough.
We do have enough. No, no, we don't have enough. We need more. But they also need more.
There needs more on both sides. Right?
Well, it's hard when you're trying to find somebody like you and like representation in like almost a validation that that you that your existence is like meaningful and worthwhile. And, and so I'm glad that there is at least something but it sounds like there needs to be a lot more.
Yeah, absolutely. I think I definitely want to be sort of an advocate for more of these characters used in mainstream media more of this language being available to the mainstream public like well...
Even like your friend Michaela was that her name?
Yeah.
Who was able to teach you about it and give you a word that you've been looking for, but had never had?
Yeah.
I noticed something you said and I don't know if this was controversial or whatever. But you said that you're, you're asexual, hetero romantic. And I'm assuming that you're cis gender, right, you identify with your sex assigned at birth. And so it's just interesting to me to like, be part of the LGBTQ community, but also technically be cis gender and straight.
Yes, be 100% straight passing because I am technically straight. But I think i think that i and I got this this question once, when I was doing one of my Q&As on Instagram, but somebody was like, how does a hetero romantic white male like cis male who identifies as asexual? How does he have a corner in the asexual community? Or in the LGBTQ community, queer community? How does he fit in? How is that fair to the rest of the people who are struggling so much more than he apparently is
struggling? And I think that this the struggle is more internal than external, which is privileged in and of itself, I am very privileged within the queer community to have the sort of identity that I have. And I recognize that I recognize that in in all sense of the word that I have a relationship that the world would view as, you know, normal, right. But be in being a sexual it is more of an internal struggle of I am different than
everyone else. And I'm and I don't know why or how, right like it's, it's being queer is inherently being different than
It's not I think you're making a really important point. the accepted norm. Right? So I think, inherently, that gives us our corner of the community because we are not the same. Just, it's difficult. It's, In fact, a couple years ago, I was I was starting to get like, I don't know if bugged is the right word. But like, I was like, why are these all just thrown together? Right? And we have like, LGBTQIA plus, and I'm like, why did they throw us all
together? Because being gay is very different for being trans. And it's very different from being asexual. And so why did they all just like get tossed into one bucket? And the more I thought about it, I was like, oh, yeah, it's because we've all been affected by societal norms, and looked down upon or ostracized on the basis of orientation, or gender or identity.
Yep.
And so even if these experiences are different, it's almost like we need to be there for each other because to some extent, we understand what it's like, because of sexual orientation, or gender being underrepresented and feeling broken, or, or lost or isolated. And so I, as I was thinking about it, it kind of made me shift in the way I viewed all of those letters that sometimes people complain about is way too
long. I'm like, No, why would we not have more people having a place where they can at least find somebody like them?
Yep.
And as you were talking, I was thinking, you know, you were saying, this common experience that we've had of feeling broken at some point. I mean, you might not have faced, like, the external judgement of people, but but you know, it's like to feel to feel broken. Like there's something that's not working inside of you.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah. Tell us more about that. Because the idea of like, not feeling sexual attraction, feeling broken because of that, like, if I was like an LDS teen, I'd be like, yay, I'm so righteous.
Right? Well, it's funny that you say that, because that is exactly how I felt as as a teen in the church, like, whenever we would have, you know, the law of chastity lessons, like every six months, right? Like, it was just, I would kind of sit there and be like, okay, do we really need to have this lesson again? Like, like, we get it don't have sex?
Like, is it really so hard to, to not do that, you know, and I will admit that I definitely felt a little bit prideful in that, like, I've never been tempted to have sex ever in my life. Like, I must be so righteous. And looking back, like, it's so ridiculous that I thought that but I absolutely did.
I don't think it's ridiculous. I was thinking they're the same thing. They're like, if you're alone with a woman at night, I'm like, then what? We're gonna braid her hair.
Right? Yeah. And what else? So I absolutely felt like, in that, in that I sort of sort of vein like, I felt not better than but like, is this really necessary? Like, do we really need to be hammering this home? Again, like, but now that I'm older and realizing that, yeah, it is important to be hammering those things home because other people do not have the same
experience that I have. And we need to be more accepting of our like, I need to be more accepting of other people's experiences, like, we do not all have identical experiences. And so looking back, it's like, oh, no, like, so embarrassing, but like, now I completely understand like, why those things need to be happening because there are very sexual people in the world. I am not one of them, but they exist.
Yes. So help me understand something. So there was a time where you were thinking like, oh, I'm a good righteous person, because I'm not having these law of chastity issues like my peers. How did that transfer into like, you feel like maybe something's wrong with me.
So when I got a little bit older, you know, into the dating age like 16, 17, 18. And everyone started dating and having these boyfriends and doing things I felt sort of left behind, because I didn't really
want to do that. But in trying to, I guess, sort of mask what I was feeling like, I would go on dates like I would, I would purposefully like, I'd be like, I'm gonna go on a date with you, I'm gonna kiss this boy, I'm gonna, I'm gonna prove to people that like, I'm a part of the gang, but like, I wasn't, you know. And so I would, I would be doing these things. I'd be kissing boys. And like, it was fun, but it was like, I didn't get it. You know, I was like, why do why do people do this?
Why am I doing this? Like it was more of like...
Is was forced.
Well, yeah, like it felt very much like I was, I was forcing myself into situations that I didn't really care to be in because everybody else was doing it. And so on the one hand, I was like, yes, I've never experienced these things. I'm so good. I'm so this blah, blah, blah. But also, I felt left out and left behind. Because I felt like everybody was getting something that I wasn't.
Can I ask you to do the impossible?
Sure?
Can you? Can you explain what it's like to be romantically attracted to someone, but not sexually attracted to someone?
Sure. So to me, the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. Sexual attraction means that you want to have sex with that person. I don't want to have sex with anybody, it makes me feel very uncomfortable and like kind of sweat a little bit. When I think of myself in like sexual situations, like, I can watch it on TV, I can have people talk to me about it, and it's totally fine. But the moment that I insert myself into the narrative, it's like, no,
thank you. Whereas romantically you know, you can cuddle people, you can hold their hands, you can, you know, be intimate in different ways that are not sexual, right? So the sort of more like, emotional connections, the mental connections that are a part of a relationship as well, sort of taking a relationship and just removing the sex from it. And that's romantic attraction.
So when you imagine yourself in the future, like, like being married, and like, the idea of having sex isn't something that makes you feel uncomfortable? Or is it like repulsive? Help me understand what that feels like.
Right. So I would consider myself pretty sex repulsed when it comes to me personally, I don't mind it when other people talk about it. But for myself, personally, I it terrifies me, I don't, I don't like it. I don't want to be anywhere near that sort of thing. So I don't I don't know how else to describe it. Sort of, like makes my skin crawl, which is so weird, because it's such a natural like thing. And I'd say, quote, everybody does it, right. Like, it's, it's a natural thing that everybody's
supposed to do. But like, I just I cannot I don't I don't know. But it's interesting, because I do want to get married someday. I do think that that is a goal of mine. But I think that that is a conversation that my husband or my future spouse, and I will have to have, you know, sort of like, they will have to have a deep understanding that
like, I am not into that. And whereas I will have to also understand that they might be or I might find somebody asexual, I might not, you know, if they are, you know, heterosexual then I will have to come to the understanding that like that is an aspect of the relationship that they need. And they will have to come to the realization that like, that is an aspect of the relationship that really is uncomfortable for me. And sort of that's, I mean, it's going to be a more personal conversation
that I have in the future. But I'm not opposed to having that conversation with people, if that makes people with my one.
With all the people you're engaged to.
Do you get a lot of people that are like, Well, how
With the one. Um, yeah. So I'm definitely open. I think now, what now that I'm a little bit older. In the past, I was like, absolutely not. 100% No, but now that I think I approach things with a bit more like compassion and understanding and from a more educated standpoint, I think that I would be more open to potentially doing that in the future. But like, as it stands, I could go my whole life without having sex and be completely fine. do you know if you've never tried?
100%. Yep. And to that, I say, it's usually as I roll my eyes at this, but it's usually like, guys who were like, oh, but like, trying to date me or whatever. I'm
Trying to be like Conquistadores.
Yeah, and I'm like, okay, well, how do you know you're straight? If you've never done things with a man? Or like, how do you know this, this, and this like well, cuz I just know.
There you go.
There you go. You know, like, boom, done.
So I can hear a former church leader of mine listening to this and saying, well, if you're asexual and aren't interested in sex, why don't you just marry a gay man and have a nice marriage that's sexless?
Oh my gosh.
I mean, I we could I guess that's an option.
Is that a proposal?
I mean I guess that's not, not off the table, I suppose. Like if that's what they want then I guess that would work out but I don't want the like as homo romantic or homosexual person to be living a lie. So for me, I would I again, this would be a conversation that I would have to have with that person in depth like, is this really something you want to do, but I wouldn't want that person to be hiding who they are by being married to me.
Yeah, and one thing I hear you say that, you know, try to have talked about before is, orientation isn't just about sexuality.
Yep.
Like, there are always things that draw you to someone. And, and even if I were to be like, platonically, married to a woman, if you will, like, I'm just not like, I'm not oriented towards women and non-sexual ways, either.
Sure. Absolutely. Yeah. So I think it's, it's definitely a spectrum, right? Like the asexual community, there are, I guess, the whole all of sexuality, all of romanticism, all of everything is a spectrum,
right? You have sexual attraction, you have romantic attraction, aesthetic attraction, you have platonic attraction, all of these different types of things that come into play that a lot of people just don't think about, because they're like, oh, I'm straight and therefore, like, I want to have sex with women, and all of these things that come with it, but like, they don't really think about, like, maybe I could be like, platonically into men, you know, I mean, like, they don't think about
these other facets of a relationship. A relationship isn't just a one sided piece of paper, it's a multi sided, like a D 20. You know, there's so many different sides to it, that all need to be taken into account. And I think a lot of people don't take that into account, because they just assume that they're a one note thing.
Yeah. And it's almost like, if you have something that fits and works for you, why are you going to look for something else?
Yeah, why question it, you know?
But then, whereas, like, all three of us, in different ways have been like, given this thing that doesn't fit and doesn't work for us. So obviously, we're gonna, like, think a lot more about it and try to figure out what we actually need.
Yeah.
Yeah, Tearza can you help me understand what is it that makes you want to get married?
Um, so I, I really love the idea of like, having your person that is like your person that you go to for like, everything, you know. And I think that, well, friends are super great for that. And I have had some really incredible friendships over my life and people who have been there for me, I love the idea of like, your one person, you know. So to me, like that idea is, is super beautiful. And I want to be a
part of that. But again, if it doesn't happen for me, then I'm super content the way that I am. I'm super fine. Being single, I love being single. But I would like in the future for that to be a possibility for me.
Yeah. So let's say you, you know, find a man you want to marry you have the conversation, he understands that you are going to be the low desire partner, and he'll probably be the high desire partner, and you decide to move forward and get married. Is there part of that, like being married? That that is uncomfortable or scary to you at all?
No, not really, because I think if I'm going to be marrying somebody, like I should know them pretty well, you know, I should be wanting to spend the rest of my life with them. I have a rule within myself that you should only go into like, an engagement after four seasons on a road trip. So I think...
Very good practice I'm sure.
Right, I get I get a lot of, No, I don't. But I will be using that in the future. Like, I think that you should get to know somebody so well before you go into this next phase of life, because that's such a huge commitment. And there's so many aspects to a person that are, you know, that you might not see right away. And so you might be super enamored with, like, their talent or their intellect or
whatever. And not, you won't have had the opportunity to look at the other sides of them that maybe aren't as attractive as the ones that are to you. And so I think that spending a lot of time with somebody before making that decision is like the the most key thing that you can possibly do, like taking the time to like get to fully know somebody before you enter that.
And I think especially for me, as somebody who is asexual who's somebody who does not take relationships lightly, that is like, the most important thing is like, I have to know you, maybe not inside and out but like so well that like I won't be blindsided by things in the
I love that. Charlie, you're pensive. future
I am pensive. I'm just thinking about how like, I feel like everyone is scared of different orientations. But you being asexual does nothing to my relationship with you, or your life or my life and me being gay
does nothing to it anyway. And I don't know why we're so scared of people who are different when I mean, unless you're trying to date or have like a serious romantic relationship with that person, then, like a lot of these things that we're talking about are just really personal, and are for like, an individual to understand themselves, and maybe their partner, but then like, on a larger scale like society. I don't know why everyone wants to be so involved.
Why does it matter?
Yeah, like why is everyone trying to like, figure out about your relationships and about the way you view sex? Yeah. If it's not to figure out their own identity, you know, I mean, yeah, I just wish we could kind of like, take a break from that and let people be themselves more.
100%. I think from like, what I've learned is that a lot of sort of fear of different is just is stems from not knowing, right? Like, it stems from a lack of information that stems from a lack of education. And so I think that by, you know, having like a podcast like this, things like that, where we openly sort of spread this information like, see, like, it's not so scary, like, you're like, this is a fine and normal thing to be, even though it's different than the societal
norm. Like, I think providing that level of education does make a difference in the world. And I think that fear stems from not knowing,
Do people like think you're sterile? Like you have a sterile personality because you're asexual?
Um, I don't think so. I think I'm pretty bubbly.
I think you're super bubbly
I wouldn't describe you as sterile.
Neither would I.
I mean, I've definitely been described as like prude, and things by like, men who I've refused to do things with. But I think that's just from them being hurt.
Like, no, thank you, like you prude.
Yeah, like, they just they they sort of just attack and it's like, okay, well, you're childish. so.
Yeah as, as we're talking, and you were talking about, you know, people being afraid of something they don't know. And I guess there's part of me that would be like, this isn't possible, like, how could someone be asexual? Like, from my own experience it just seems so impossible.
Yeah.
And I'm just really glad that you're willing to share your experience. And so that, you know, we can understand, like, the possibilities and the diversity that exists.
Yeah, absolutely.
Do people ask you about having kids a lot?
They do actually. I've gotten that question several times. And for me, even from a very, very young age, adoption has always been like my number one, like, I want to adopt all of the kids on the planet. I think that there are so many spiritual beings already on this planet that are deserving and in need of loving homes. And I think that a lot of people sort of looked down on adoption or view it like a secondary, like, oh, I wasn't able to have my own kids. And so I'm, I'm turning to
adoption. And I think we need to sort of flip that narrative, because I think that everybody on this earth is deserving of a loving home and a loving family. And so for me, that's like, number one. Number one, I want to adopt kids.
You know, I, that reminds me I was having a conversation with a friend a few years ago, and she said that growing up, her mom always told her that God made people gay and asexual to raise all the babies that didn't have homes.
Ahhh, that's so cute.
That's really cute.
That's really beautiful.
Well, if that's the reason that I'm Ace, then I will, I will take that mantle, and I will wear it with pride and raise all the babies that need homes.
So when I talk about the LGBTQ community, I usually just say LGBTQ.
Sure.
And in my head, you know, Q, the Q, the queer kind of covers everyone else?
Yeah.
How do you feel about that? What would you want us to say? LGBTQIA+ every time?
Um, no, I mean, I'm not particular about it. I think that I appreciate like, the the lengthened one, like, when people use the full version, I'm like, ah, yes, like, good, good for you. But I'm not gonna like look down on people for not using all of them. Because I agree. The Q encompasses pretty much everything that is not the societal norm. So I am fine with with either, but I appreciate the full length of it all. That was phrased really weird.
So you appreciate being included?
Yeah, yeah. And another thing is, a lot of people think that the A in LGBTQIA+ stands for ally, does not thinking about that. It doesn't. By being an ally, you are inherently not a part of the community. So you don't get a letter.
By definition.
You're not a part of it. You're an ally. You're not a part of the community. Not not to say...
We love you.
We love you so much not to say that you're not important and you're not a super loved aspect of like this community but like you're not a part of it. And by saying that, it's that the A stands for ally is erasing asexuality, aromanticism agender is like, all of those types of things. So I think that this already under represented aspect of the community is, again getting swept under the rug by allies saying that the A stands for ally.
I have a question, but I don't know if it's like, it might be kind of awkward. I'm just thinking like biologically like, everything works?
Everything functions just fine.
Perfect. So I guess I'm just wondering about like, I don't know, I might, I don't want to sound weird, no, say like, arousal within asexuality, because I'm assuming that you can be aroused.
Yep.
Yeah, I don't know what my question is.
No, no, no. Does my body function properly? I think, yeah, I think this kind of goes hand in hand with people being with being broken, right? is that they think that there might be something physiologically wrong with you as well, like, right, that you you and that is a thing for a lot of people that like sex is either painful or that they can't get aroused or whatever, blah, blah, but that has nothing to do with being asexual. So to answer your question, yes, I everything
functions just fine. It is not, that is not a trial that I have my body works 100% perfectly fine.
Are you sure you just haven't met the right person?
Maybe I haven't. You're right.
I'm saying that very tongue in cheek, sarcastically. I bet you got that a lot, huh? Yeah, yeah, sorry.
No, it's totally fine. Another thing that I get a lot is like, you're too pretty to be asexual, which is I'm like, okay, well, what does that even mean? Like? First of all, I think that my appearance is at least like, interesting and important thing about me. But like to say that inherently implies that, like, you are viewing me for sexual purposes, or like, for your own viewing pleasure. And I don't like that. So um, yeah, that's a question that I get that I will immediately just be like, and
we're done with this. And we're not going any further from there.
So how do people respond when you come out to them? Is coming out the right term,
I think coming out is the right term. It's interesting, because it's like, when you come out, it's like, hey, Mom and Dad, like, I'm not having sex with people. And they're like,
Great.
And what else is about it, you know? So, but it's like, but mom, I might never have sex with people, right? And so my family, they bless their hearts, they are very accepting of who I am. But I don't think they quite understand, right? So like, my mom, and my brothers, and all of them will talk about, like, their sexual experiences. And they'll be like, oh, Tearza, like one day, it'll happen for you. And I'm like, but like, probably it won't. And that's
also fine. And they're like, well, how are you just like, it'll happen. I'm like, No, but like, they accept the fact that like, I'm not actively dating people. And I'm not actively like, searching to have sex with people. But like, I don't think they quite understand, like, what it means, really. And I think that that's just a lack of education on their part. And like, I try my best, but honestly, I feel like it's falling on deaf ears. So...
Well, I feel like a lot of parents want their children to have happiness and like, their frame of reference for happiness is their own happiness.
Right.
And so like, if you are a parent of a queer kid, then it's just important to like, trust what they're saying.
Yeah.
And like, even even if there is flexibility there, and even if you are identifying one way now, or they are identifying one way now and then change it in the future, like, meeting someone where they're at, and believing their experience is really powerful.
Yeah.
And understanding that, like, what makes you happy and fulfilled as an asexual woman is probably different than what makes me feel happy and meaningful as a gay man. And that's okay.
Yeah. 100%. So to answer a question about like, coming out, I don't know if there was ever a moment when I like, came out, per se. Like, I didn't make like a huge Facebook posts, like I didn't was wasn't like, I'm asexual, because to me, I'm like, it doesn't, it doesn't matter. And it doesn't change anything. Because like, going back to what we said earlier, for all intents and purposes, I am straight, just lacking the sexual sort of attraction to people that everybody else seems
to have. So I never really came out, I just sort of will, like, tell people or like, and like host like Q and A's on my Instagram and things like that, just to sort of educate. But I don't I don't know if coming out is the proper term because I didn't really ever, if that makes sense. Like, it just sort of was the thing that I was like, oh, here's a word for what I've been feeling my whole life. And I'm gonna tell everybody else about it.
So it sounds like a lot of people's responses like, what's the big deal? Yeah, and I don't get it.
Yeah. Yeah. They just sort of like hear like, oh, you're not having sex with people. Okay, cool. And then just like, go about their day. And I'm like, but it's more than that. It's not just that I'm not I'm not choosing it's different than being chaste. It's different than...
It's different than celibacy.
...than celibacy. 100%. It's not, I'm not actively choosing to ignore or go against my natural urges. They don't exist.
Like those are your natural urges.
Are to not do that. Yeah.
Yeah. I noticed a couple times you said Ace, instead of asexual. Is that just like a shortened version?
Yeah, yeah. So um, the ACE can be like ACE community, we've also kind of adopted, like playing cards, like the aces in a deck of playing cards is sort of to represent the different aspects of the asexual community.
They are the best cards,
You're right. 100%, but the each of the symbols represent different things. So the ace of spades is like asexual aromantic. Like, I don't want any sort of any type of relationship with anybody that is even sort of remotely like a one on one relationship relationship. You know, the ace of hearts is what I would consider myself because I am an asexual, hetero romantic. I
That's cute.
I do want a romantic relationship, just not a sexual relationship. The ace of diamonds I think represents sort of...
You're going to be rich because you have to pay for kids.
100% Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Oh, gosh.
Don't talk about adoption fees
They are very overwhelming. And the ace of diamonds I think represents sort of just the ace of clubs is just like general differentness it's like I'm asexual, but I'm not really sure what, or like to what extent blah, blah, blah. And the ace of diamonds is like Demi's. So like demisexual, demiromantic, those types of things. Do we know what that means? Should I explain that?
You should.
Okay. So demi, demisexual and demiromantic would be what like experiencing sexual or romantic attraction after you have an established relationship with somebody. So I might very well come to find in the future that I am in fact, demisexual instead of asexual. But yeah, it's basically just you have to have a deep emotional connection with somebody in order to first or in order to feel sexually attracted to them.
So you would define demisexual as being part of like the asexual spectrum.
Yeah, that falls under the ACE umbrella.
So what would you say to someone who is like, well, then what's the big deal? Why do you have to label that?
Well, because the reason that you have to label that is because it is not normal. It's not the same as everybody else. And for people like me, who lived a lot of their life feeling like they're broken, it's important to have like, I mean, people don't have to label themselves as they don't want to, like the labels are for us to better identify and understand who we are as a person. It's not for you to understand who I am. It's for me to understand who I am.
Oooh, that was pretty.
It sounds like the label kind of helps you feel that you aren't broken.
Yeah, it helped me find a community, it helped me realize that I wasn't alone in feeling this because up until that point, I was like, I am the only person on the whole planet who isn't feeling these things. And that's super isolating.
Well, and like for me identifying with the labels gay helped me understand myself. Yeah. And it just is like a word that like, kind of orients me in a new frame of reference to where I can figure out like, new things about my experience.
Yeah.
You're so cool. I'm so glad you're on the show today. I'm really having a good time.
This episode is like a real thinker.
Yeah, I'm thinking a lot.
It's definitely a lot to think about because it's not it's not something that people think about a lot, you know, and so for me, like, it is my I guess my biggest goal in life, aside from like, adopting a lot of kids, is to just educate on this topic, because it is so widely underrepresented and widely unknown, even within the LGBTQIA+ community.
What I appreciate about what we've been saying Tearza, is you're like, this is where I'm at, this is who I am, this is what I want my life to look like. I'm gonna see how that unfolds.
Yep.
It sounds like you. You're not saying Well, I'm Ace therefore XYZ, but this is what's going on. And I want to build this kind of life and we're gonna see how that unfolds.
Yep.
Yeah. I feel like that's a healthy outlook.
So before I came out, there's like this weight on me like it was this huge burden. When I came out it was like, I could breathe it was finally like, I could finally talk about it was like this huge relief.
Yeah.
What was your experience like when you started coming out to yourself and other people?
Um, so from for me, it was it was sort of a similar situation where like, I I felt a lot lighter. Because like I said earlier, like the whole world is like hyper sexualized, like it is in every aspect and a lot of people don't realize it because
Even like a Carl's Jr. commercial.
That's what I was just about to say the commercials with like, the women in the bikinis like eating a sandwich.
I don't, I don't eat at Carl's Jr.
I also don't eat at Carl's Jr.
Because I'm like, why are they trying to sell me this like sex-burger.
It's weird. It makes me feel uncomfortable. But but like, other people are like, yeah, I'm gonna go buy that burger. Because that hot girl was eating a burger.
All the straight guys. Maybe if they were shirtless dudes, selling the burgers, maybe.
Like, I'll have that.
But like, so like, it is, it is everywhere. And so it just felt like, this whole, like, it felt like everything was really oppressive, because I like didn't understand it. And it was like a bombardment. Like, everywhere I turned, it was like, and there's sex in this movie. And this song is about like, having sex. And this book has sex in it. And this commercial and this, like, it was everywhere. My friends are talking about it. My parents talk about it every day, like it
is everywhere. It just felt like this giant cloud of like, sex just hovering over me. And I was like, why? Why is everyone so obsessed with it? So and so when I tell you why that is. I mean, I've done a lot of research science, so I can understand from a theoretical standpoint, where people are coming from, even if I don't emotionally get
it. But when I when I learned the terminology asexual and sort of researched that for myself in came to adopt that for myself, it was almost like this, like beam of light sort of just broke through that cloud and was like, you're fine, everything's fine.
And, and it's gonna be okay. And here's all these other like, by finding this community, I was able to find, you know, media and things like that, that didn't center around those types of things, which was like, so nice to like, not be consistently bombarded with these things. So, yeah, I think that it did feel similarly to like, I felt like I was carrying so much like this thing was
looming over me. And then when I found out what I was, it was like, ah, yes, the light is here and everything's happy and I don't feel so heavy and like, I feel more at ease with what I've been experiencing.
What a great visual. I have a question. How or how is or is being asexual different from having a low sex drive.
So asexuality is just the lack of sexual attraction like it just doesn't exist. A low sex drive can come from a lot of different things. It can come from medications, it can come from different physical afflictions, it can come from just like generally not wanting to have sex. But the main difference between it is that the sexual drive exists. You just don't want to act on it always.
And then another question also kind of like, provocative, but, I mean, it seems like there's no rules for this interview. If someone's asexual, is it like, safe to assume that they don't struggle with any pornography use?
Nope. That is, that is not a safe thing to assume. There are asexuals actually who, who enjoy having sex, which sounds counterintuitive or counterproductive? Like they don't....
Now we're getting somewhere.
They don't line up.
This is going to be a long interview.
Those two things don't sound like they should be able to coexist together, but they do because you can engage in the physical sex or physical act of sex without having the sexual drive, if that makes sense.
I think I would like you to explain that more.
Right. Okay.
I'm sorry.
I have like a metaphor that might not work.
Sure.
So is it kind of like eating vegetables?
Right. I was gonna say eating doughnuts. Vegetables works. So like, okay, let's say that you get to work one day, and there's a spread of doughnuts there. And everyone's like, heck, yeah, I love donuts.
I love donuts.
I'm super into it.
An old fashioned donut? A maple bar with bacon?
Yes, yes, give me all the donuts or like any any. And then there's some people who were like, I only like glazed doughnuts. And there's some people who were like, I'll take any donut on the spread. And there's some people who were like, I will take sprinkled, or not sprinkled, but those are the only two that I'll take. And then if you're asexual, it's like, um, I don't really want a donut. But then there's some some asexual who are like, you know, I'll eat the doughnut if
it's there. But like, I'm not gonna go out of my way to purchase the doughnut, or like, go acquire it myself. But like, if it's offered to me, then like, sure I'll partake in the donut. And then there's some who are like, I'm offended that these donuts are even in the room with me right now. So, it's, it is definitely a
spectrum. I keep coming back to that because I think out of all of the different facets of the queer community, asexuality is the most diverse in in, like levels of attraction and who you're attracted to, and taking into account different sexual versus romantic versus platonic.
Well, I feel I feel like it has the from listening to you, I feel like it has the least amount of orientation not not not in the word of like sexual orientation, but like, like knowing where to start.
Sure. Sure.
That makes sense.
Yeah, absolutely. Because you can have asexuals who are gay, you can have asexuals who are bi romantically right?. And so it is such a you you take all these other aspects of the queer community and can sort of insert them into the ACE community. It's wild. So it's wild.
the way someone looks less important.
It depends on it depends on the ACE person. So for me, I am able to recognize when people are like, aesthetically attractive to me. I have ACE friends who like cannot like they're like, I cannot like that that person is hot. Oh, okay. Sure, because you said so not because I recognize that, you know.
Tt's almost like it needs empirical evidence.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. And we kind of got sidetracked. I want to ask you again, about about pornography, because I'm just trying to like, understand why someone who's revolted, like repulsed by sex, would engage in viewing pornography.
Not all asexuals are repulsed by sex, though that's the thing. So there are definitely sex repulsed, asexuals those are the people who are like, I'm offended that this donut is even in the room with me right now. But then there's also asexuals who are like, I'm perfectly fine with you talking to me about it. I am one of those I'm like, I am super sex positive for other people. I'm like, if if it's between two consenting adults, go crazy live your life, you
know. So I think it depends on where you again, where you fall on the spectrum and and there are some people who are sex positive asexual who do participate in sex and there are some sex positive asexual who don't participate in sex like
myself. And so just because you are asexual doesn't mean you your brain like the the sort of when you watch pornography, you know, there's a physiological sort of an a mental response and, and that can happen with anybody whether you are sexually attracted to somebody or not.
Okay. That was a good explanation.
Now, does that make sense?
So what can we do as like an asexual ally? Like what support is needed? Like how can I help you feel like more included? Just in like, General, I don't know.
Yeah, I think for me is, is not pushing the narrative that you need somebody in your life to be happy. Because there's a lot of asexuals who are perfectly fine being on their own. And I said that I would like to find a spouse someday but I'm, I'm content where I am right now, I think I'm in a very good spot, being single. Not to say that I wouldn't like to open my heart in my life to another person someday. But there are some asexuals who don't want to do
that at all. And living in a world where that type of relationship is so stressed and so like, this is the goal that you need to be reaching for it can be it can be hard and can feel very isolating. So I think that just sort of stressing that, like, other types of relationships are equally as important as like romantic and
sexual relationships. So like, platonic relationships, friendships and things like that those can be equally as fulfilling as as a marital relationship or like a romantic relationship with somebody, pushing that narrative would be very helpful.
So you want to see a romantic comedy where someone learns to just love themselves?
Absolutely.
In a hilarious way.
Absolutely I do.
With all kinds of misunderstandings.
100%.
As you're talking about, you know, let's not we have to push this narrative, everyone needs some one. One of the first like negative emails we got about the podcast with someone who actually listened to our episode of Should I stay celibate, and single? We had said something about, like, you know, we're not robots and...
Like, it's natural. It's human.
Right. Like, like, like, humans want to have relationships. This person wrote and was like, Well, I'm a human, and I'm not a robot, and I'm just and I'm just not interested in having that experience. And, and that was really eye opening to me that I, I was generalizing my experience too much.
Sure. Yeah, I definitely think that it's not wrong to want this type of relationships. I think that that's a super great goal to want to have. But I also think that it's not wrong to not want that. And I think that the flip side is not really discussed enough. So sort of putting that narrative and, and, and making it acceptable to not want that, I think would be very helpful.
Well Tearza, thank you so much for coming on. We were pretty much perfect strangers before this, but I think you're really cool. I'd love to hang out with you.
Let's hang out, let's let's grab lunch.
I feel like I've learned so much. And I always love when I'm talking to someone and they make me feel like ignorant. Because it just like means I'm gonna learn something.
I'm gonna help it make you feel ignorant by any means.
You know, I like it, though, like ignorant, not in a bad way. But and you're in the way of like, I want to be more educated, like something I have much exposure to and like thank you for being open and willing to talk about some things and answering some of our questions that you're probably like, why do people always ask me this?
Not at all. Not at all. I like to make myself open and available for these types of conversations, just because I think that it is so important to spread this type of education. A lot of asexuals don't like getting these questions. And I'm like, give them all to me. I'll tell you everything about my experience, because I personally think that if I had had somebody like this, when I was younger, it would have helped me exponentially in figuring out who I was and what I wanted in life. So...
Yeah, and I feel like it's also just another testament to like, move in and get to know somebody, like if you have questions about someone's identity or orientation, and it doesn't make sense to you, or if it offends you or makes you uncomfortable. Like, the more you get to see a human as a human. Like, there's so much like unity and strength building there. And thank you for for giving us that opportunity today.
And you said you answer questions on your Instagram.
Yeah, on my Instagram, I do...
How do people find you?
So my Instagram handle is just my first and middle name. So it's @tearzaleigh. It's a wild name so thanks, Mom and Dad. But yeah, I do, I usually host a q&a every ACE week, which is usually the second the third week in October every year. So I do one yearly. But maybe I'll start doing them a little bit more often. Maybe I'll do one like monthly or I have them saved as sort of highlights on my Instagram story. So if you want to go on my Instagram story on my page, so if you want to,
you know, check those out. I've got a ton of questions that I've answered on there. But yeah, maybe, maybe I'll start doing them a little bit more often.
Well, out of our dozens of followers, I'm sure one or two
And you can be modest we the podcast is growing really will check you out. well. And if you are a follower and listener, please share. I'm like growth, growth, growth. We need more listeners.
Yeah, but but seriously, seriously, thank you for coming on.
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.
Thank you for joining us today. If you have enjoyed this or other episodes, please consider leaving a review. And as always, please remember that we do not represent the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or Brigham Young University. We're not trying to be prescriptive or tell anyone what to think or what to do.
You heard three perspectives and there are many, many more, we encourage you to listen to other voices and hear a wide variety of experiences. If you'd like to submit a question or share a comment about today's episode, you can email us at questionsfromthecloset@gmail.com. Until next time.