Faulty Flashpoint: Personal Dragons

Your mother has deemed your work sufficient enough that you have earned recess and has walked you down the street to a community park. The weather is really perfect. Just that bit of cool but sunny, so you feel warm, but evenly temperatured by the breeze, the swing sets are wide open for you as you step into the park. (Kat as Crispin) Crispin walks with his mom to the bench where she always sits, it's under a tree, so it's nice and shaded.

To an untrained eye, it will look like she is praying rosary, but I know that she is speaking to my siblings. So I will escort her over to that bench and when she is seated, I will press a kiss to her cheek as I am mandated to do and then I will turn and run as fast as my body will carry me.

I take a detour on the way to the swings to cross the monkey bars and I do them normally the first time and then I go backwards and then one more time forwards, skipping bars along the way and then I swing and launch myself off and do a cool, I don't know it because I am not allowed to watch movies, but it is a cool three point super hair landing that feels very awesome. And then I am just going to run over to my favorite swing.

It is an older playground, but they still have a couple of baby swings and then three regular kid-sized swings and then there is just one that is there presumably for a parent to swing next to their kid.

But the seat is a little wider and it is made of a little bit thicker, rubber, probably recycled from a tire and I am going to throw myself into that one and listen to the familiar creek as I pump my legs so hard because today is going to be the day that I get it to do that thing where it swings all the way around and I am going to prove science wrong. (MC) Yes, you got to prove science wrong because it is faith that matters, right? (Crispin) Absolutely.

(MC) You tear around the playset completely free of any worries enjoying your childhood in a sense, albeit isolated. Occasionally you will catch sight of your mother. She has pulled out a clipboard which you know has several drawing pages in which she begins to draw flowers, little animals, insects because they are your siblings' favorites and she talks to no one as she does.

You know that there are piles of these drawings in that one room in the house next to each of their beds that were to be because she cannot let go of them and will not get rid of anything that she has given them. But as this is a regular occurrence, it is just the other half of an otherwise peaceful, beautiful day that is quickly invaded. As a swarm of other kids rushing into the park, they tear the place up in their youthful fun and games, of course, nothing malicious.

They have kids that jump onto the swings and are swinging so high and then jumping off into the rubber matting that they have put down instead of the wood chips. Kids are chasing each other up and down the slides, going both ways because going down one way is not the sensible thing to do with the slide. You steal a glance over at your mother who now looks panicked and lost in the sudden chaos that just erupted into the park. Now granted, these kids are not completely alone.

There are other adults that are ambling into sight, chatting with each other, keeping an eye on these various kids. One of the kids runs over to the tire you're in. Sticks are head sideways to look at you. (Kid) What you doing? (Crispin) Crispin regards this child for a moment and just goes, "I'm swinging. I'm trying to try and see if I can swing all the way around." (Kid) I've tried that a couple of times, but I wasn't able to do it.

(Crispin) Well, you're pretty small, so you probably couldn't do it. (Kid) I could if I wanted. (Crispin) Well, but you didn't. (MC) She has no response and decides it's better to go off and play somewhere else than to continue arguing that she totally could have. (Crispin) I think Crispin notices that a sort of line is forming around the swing set on their kids waiting. He knows if he stays here, that his mom will eventually find him and make him leave.

So I think he slows his swinging, dragging his feet as delicately as he can through the dirt to not mess up his shoes because he knows that that will upset his parents. He abandons the swing and I think he takes off for the climbing structure. He knows that there are several little cubbies and hideaways underneath between the panels of the different platforms and rope climb apparatuses where he can watch the other kids from a slightly less exposed vantage point.

(MC) From your vantage point, you spy a game. A four square, starting up on a nearby patch of cement that is marked out with the very squares. The oldest boy is ordering the teens, bringing people in and forming the line, really taking that leadership position and everybody seems to respect his authority and age. And he obviously takes the king's spot and has the rubber dodge balls, you know, the ones that most schools don't let you have anymore because they're too dangerous.

And they begin the game in earnest. Other kids, especially the younger ones, are playing games of tag, giggling and laughing. There are a couple of really young children who are playing some sort of paddy cake game up on one of the other platforms. It's a strange sight for you, but it is in its own way wondrous. (Crispin) I think Crispin will take a few moments to sort of take in the chaos around him. Everything in his life is quiet and orderly and set out to a specific agenda.

So moments like this of volume and cacophity and chaos are precious and rare to him. And for a few moments, he is absolutely content to just watch everything unfold around him. And he observes, you know, squabbles over. Oh, that was over the line. No, it wasn't. It was on the line. And, you know, girls braiding each other's hair and boys racing up to the top of the climbing wall and kids just generally running and laughing.

I think the laughter is what strikes him the most because it's just people don't laugh at church, people don't laugh at home. Father will sometimes laugh at his own jokes, but it's not the same. It doesn't feel as true. And so he just witnesses these kids around him. And he is struck by the fact that they don't seem burdened the way he feels. They're not waiting for the next time. They have to perform their duty or recite a prayer or answer for some wrong.

They're just enjoying themselves and they're enjoying themselves together. And I think even if Chrispen can't identify it in the moment, there is this deep envy, it also joy that he's getting to witness this freedom that is so foreign to him. He's happy that other kids apparently feel better than he does.

(MC) In a way, Crispin, you may wish to capture this moment in a bottle and in some ways you do in your memory, capturing it like, like, fireflies in a mason jar and marvel at it, hoping to keep it because it is just so precious. But then the reality of your life and the perception of that life seeps in. When you overhear a couple of children below, one of the girls has spotted you. A girl you'd later come to know as Patricia or Scarlett.

She takes notice of you and before she can call out to invite you to whatever activity or a game that she's playing with her friend, her friend stops her, "No, don't invite him. He's one of those religious freaks" and tries to pull Patricia away who lingers for a moment, watching you, a look of uncertainty on her face, hesitation, now whether that's hesitation to comply with her friend or to rethink talking to you, that is never settled. As Patricia turns and follows her friend away.

(Crispin) I think that that is not an unusual occurrence for Crispin. In the, on the few occasions where he has accompanied his mother to the grocery store or something mundane like that, I think he is accustomed to feeling the eyes of judgment on him at all times. And so as much as the friend's words hurt, he's not surprised. And introspectively he reminds himself that it is the burden of the faithful to be persecuted and we will be rewarded justly.

And I think he closes a hand around the little cross necklace around his neck. His family strangely doesn't have a lot of crucifixes around the house, but this was a gift from a well-meaning aunt, his mom's sister. The only time he can remember ever hearing from any of his mother's family. And for some reason he was allowed to keep it. And so he wears it always, not really knowing why it means as much to him as it does, but he runs his thumb over the cool metal of it. It's totally smooth.

All of the corners are rounded. And he just has a moment of deep isolation. And I don't think he connects the two moments, the concept of having this gift from this person he's never even met, and this girl calling him a religious freak. But I think there is the beginning of the seeds of doubt, the idea that maybe not all is as it should be. (MC) Those seeds will be further watered by what happens next. As you contemplate and mire in your isolation, you hear shouts, adult shouts.

Lots of yelling that starts off low, but then quickly rises in pitch and intensity. Over this new din, your mother is calling out your name, looking frantically for you. "Crispin, Crispin, come down here." "We need to go!" Hoping that she has not spotted me, I'm going to look through the slats where I'm currently positioned and see if I can locate the other yelling, the unrest.

I think his curiosity in this moment, he feels so off balance that I think his curiosity has pulled him away when normally he would snap to and just do whatever his mother asked. (MC) It takes you a little bit of shuffling around to find the correct angle to see the source of this argument. You finally spot a group of older people. They're not full grown adults, in fact, you recognize some of them as older teenagers in your religious act in the Church of the Eternal Vigilance.

It seems that they have come out of your church, which is pretty nearby, your family wanted to live practically on top of the church. They have engaged in an altercation with non-believers. The argument has moved from straight words to posturing for attack. Several of these older kids have already earned their weapon and those are being wielded threateningly against the other citizenry.

(Crispin) In Crispin's mind, he just hears his father encouraging him and beating into him that nothing is more important than the defense of the faith in the Church and that the Church is one body, one mind. And so in this moment, Christmins is going to leap down from his perch and I think charge into back up the teenage boys. (MC) Give me a run away and remember that's volatile. (Crispin) Hot 12. (MC) Your courageousness and dedication to your faith spurs you on like a jackrabbit.

You leap out of the playset avoiding your mom completely and darting through the kids across the park out through the street dodging a car that happened to be passing by and leap into the fray just as it begins. The bats will call them the clubs. Yeah, I think they're more like a club. (Crispin) I think I base them off of like Billy clubs. (MC) Yeah, yeah, yeah, these clubs begin to swing.

They impact on the non-believers while the non-believers give a pretty good walloping with just their fists. They are wholly outmatched without weapons. What do you do? (Crispin) I think at first, Crispin has no idea what he's doing. He leapt into this purely on instinct and fueled by the desire for father's approval. But I think once he gets into the fray, he is sort of at a loss. I think there's a moment where he's standing in the middle of once again chaos. But this is a different chaos.

This is a violent, angry, disturbed chaos. And he looks around and he sees the faces of these teenagers, these kids who he looks up to, who he is told he is better than, but who he functionally looks up to. And I think he's scared. He realizes in that moment that he has no desire to violently defend his faith and he sees a flash of what that girl said. They're religious freaks. He sees these people he respects beating other kids with wooden clubs for a real life.

And the reason he can't fully intuit. And so I think after he has that moment of freeze, one of the teenagers probably spots him and tells him either help or get out of the way. And I think he does his best to look like he's helping. Maybe he makes some swipes at one of the smaller, non-believers. But I think he's mostly just kind of darting around trying to get out of the way. As the fight fizzles out, he sees the blood and the bruises and the injury.

And I think he has to fight being sick, looking upon what his people have done. (MC) Will you give me a lash out physically? (Kat) Still volatile. That's an eight. (MC) So with consequences. So you get the option. I decide how the harm turns out. They learn something about your true nature or you go into your darkest self. And I might have to be reminded what your darkest self is. (Kat) I'm rereading it myself.

You don't have a chance of slaying the dragon how you can't even stand your ground and face it. You are no hero. You're lonely, pathetic and scared. You can't save anyone least of all yourself. Yeah, right? This feels like not a choice. Escape your darkest self by getting a clear undeniable win on when somebody faces their own mortality because you were too scared to save them. (MC) So that what you were describing at the end of the battle there, I think matches your darkest self. To a tee.

(Kat) I agree. Like I said, I feel like that's not really a choice. (MC) I love that. (Kat) It's just what happened, (MC) In our prologue, our darkest self just coming straight up. Love that. (Kat) Coming out swinging. (MC) Quite literally. You can hear Father Miller arrive on the scene and encourage defending the Faith. Taking action against evil and non-believers and their sins that they carry with them to taint this holy ground. His tone changes only slightly as the police car screeches up.

It's sirens blaring, bringing all attention to it. The fight disperses. Whatever you can be revealed has been part of the fray. You feel a pair of slender arms pull you away from the group and off to the side and you look up to see Dr. Miller. Father Miller's wife holding you safe and protected as if she's been holding you the whole time protecting you from that violence. The police do not seem to notice as they break out the fight and take stock of the situation.

(Crispin) I think when Chris been recognized as Dr. Miller, I think he just immediately burst into tears. The adrenaline is starting to wane and fear, anxiety, concern about what his father is going to say, sets in and I think he just weeps into her arms. Is babbling. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. "I didn't know. I didn't know what else to do and I froze and I, I, there was, they, they were bleeding and I, I, I, I" he just is stuttering to get the words out through sobs.

(Dr. Miller) "Crispin, Crispin, Crispin, you are okay. You are safe. You needn't worry about anything. Just take a breath. Feel me? You are going to be okay." (MC) Her intent is betrayed as you catch sight of one of the non-believers still laying on the ground as the crowd disperses. His head has been cracked open and he is bleeding profusely and he's at such an angle that in his final moments he locks eyes with you.

Dr. Miller holds you tighter still, shielding you as best as she can until your mother is able to come claiming you. (Crispin) As Chris' mother leads him away, he is compelled to look back at the body, the person still laying on the ground and I think he breaks his mother's grip and he runs over and he places a palm over his heart.

He nails down next to him placing a palm over his heart and what might look like a prayer or a blessing but he leans over and looks into this person's eyes and just says, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." And jumps up and runs back to his mother and grabs her hand. The way a small child might cling to their mother's apron and strings and allows himself to be let home.

(MC) Before you depart, you can hear Father Miller assuring his followers, his parishioners, that they will be looked after by the church and by God just to remain faithful in the face of this adversity and know they will be proven righteous in the end. But you also catch a glimpse of Father Miller who is staring at you and just a look of not just disappointment but almost a look of betrayal. The specter of a future punishment follows you home.

(MC) Thank you so much for listening to our third All Our Faults prologue A big thank you to the Tabletop Tailspiners Network and Creative Director Emma Cokar for giving us a home. This episode's star was Kat Kellie who can be found on Instagram @katkellie. I can be found on X, Blue Sky, and Instagram @gmistresswinter. If you would like to support the show, please navigate to the Tabletop Talespiners Network link tree in the show notes. If you feel so inclined to donate, we have a Ko-fi site.

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