AEE 2628: Who Else Is Going? Is It Okay to Ask?

This is an All Ears English podcast, episode 26-28. Who else is going? Is it okay to ask?

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When you get invited to a party, is it okay to ask who else is going before accepting? Find out why you might want to avoid this, especially with new connections and friends.

Hey there Michelle. How's everything today?

Good. Lindsay, how are you?

Feeling good. Glad to be on the podcast with you. Michelle, have you ever invited someone to something and then they go and they ask who else is going?

Ooh yeah, that doesn't feel great.

No, it really doesn't. I mean, how did it make you feel?

Yeah. I mean it makes you feel like, oh, so I'm not good enough or you know, it just it just doesn't feel right, you know?

It's really not it's not a classy thing to say. It's really

No, it's definitely not. Um, have you been in that position?

Yeah, I feel like when I was younger I I got that question sometimes and that made me like the person a lot less when they asked me that.

Yeah, it kinda tells you something about the person, right?

Yeah, that they they just wanna be around the cool kids, you know. And

Yeah.

Then maybe you're not a cool kid, but if you're if there are gonna be cool kids there, they'll go, right? That's not that's not good.

No. Yes, exactly. So today we're gonna talk about this situation and what not to say. So This actually came up in a recent episode about deciding to go to something with a friend. Yes. Um I'm gonna see if I can find that episode number for you uh later on. But if not, just um, you know, scroll through, you'll see it was Yeah.

Yeah. So guys, before we go any further, make sure you hit that follow button so that you are uh the the show is dropping right into your listening queue five days a week, right? Yes get into the habit of listening to Allers English, hanging out with us five days a week. And you will see that fluency start to get better and better. All right.

That's right. Yeah. So uh Lindsay, let's talk about it. So this situation is different. This is if you ask right in that other episode, it was if you ask who's coming to something in a way that makes it seem like You're the like you're making your decision to come based on who else is gonna be there. Whether it's true or not, if you ask who is coming before you give your RSVP, it can be really insulting to the person inviting you.

Totally agree. 100%. So what are we getting into today then, Michelle?

Yeah, so we're talking basically today is a what not to say episode and then we're gonna talk about it, you know, what you what you could possibly do. Yes. Um So but let's give a little uh role play example of exactly how this sounds.

All right. So Michelle, are you coming to my party on Saturday?

Um, maybe who else is going? Ooh.

I have no

Ouch, right?

Going. It really sounds like something that like a snobby girl would say to you in middle school or something. Yeah.

Yes. Yes. It's so true. It is that is uh i it's very painful. So people know what that means, right?

We know exactly what that means. Yeah.

Yes, yes. So um definitely this is something that we want to avoid. Why, Lindsay?

It's is talk about the fastest way to break a connection. We're all about connection here on the show, human connection through language. And this is it, right? We can maybe maybe one day we'll do the ten fastest ways to break connection in English and this will be on the list.

This would absolutely be on the

And so that's the answer. It just breaks connection right away. It makes the person feel like They're not enough. Although it's not worth even feeling that way in front of someone that has like lacks the class and says something like this, right? Like they don't deserve to make you feel that way, but you still might feel that way. Right. Yes.

Yes, exactly. And I did find that episode number, so I'm gonna give that out to you guys at the end of the episode so you can listen to um w how we got to this episode really. Um so yeah, um What is another thing that someone might say that is the same type of idea?

Uh just not maybe with different words but saying the same thing. People might say, depends on who is coming, right? If I asked you if you're coming to my party, depend oh sorry, depends who is coming, right? Right.

Right. Or I mean or or depends on who's coming. Either one both of you might hear. Um or who else has said yes? Yeah. Or

Or who else has said yes so far, maybe? Right.

Right. Right. Um so and and I this also made me wonder, like, is this a cultural thing?

That's a really good question.

Yeah, because you know, maybe in other cultures it's not offensive. Uh maybe. Maybe it's just, you know, you're inquiring and And the truth is sometimes you might just be inquiring. It might but it but the perception, at least in American culture, is if you're going to ask that question

Yeah, totally. Now, if you've already given your RSVP and that person knows very well that you are coming, maybe you're helping plan or something, it's totally okay, right? But that's a

Difference. Totally different. Yeah. So um really important to think about this here. But yeah, I I like that, Lindsay. Like if we did an episode or a series on the ten fastest ways to break a connection. That would be interesting.

Yeah. Guys hit the follow button. I'm excited for that episode to see what are these devastating things you might do that you wanna think twice about before doing them or saying them. Right.

Really funny. Yeah, that would be a funny episode. Um, so but yeah, we're gonna take a little bit of a break and then we're gonna come back and keep talking about this. Okay.

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All right, Michelle, we are back. So where to where should we go next?

Yeah, so I I was trying to think of ways to inquire without making it rude. Um so I was trying to think, oh, what could you say? But like I said, what I realized is if you are truly dys guiding your decision Yeah. Um based on who's coming, then I don't know that there is a polite way to do this. Yeah. What do you think, Lindsay?

I I I would probably stay away entirely. I mean, you know, do you do you want to cultivate the friendship with the host or not? Right. It's really about that. You know, and and I feel like this is probably something that happens I I would hope a little less and less as we get older. Yeah. And we just kind of value the friendships we have rather than wanting to be around certain people. But I don't know, maybe that's not true. I don't know.

All right.

Yeah. So try to make your decision based on the event. I mean, especially I mean, if like if you're going to an event where you might have the opportunity to speak English, you know, yeah like Go to the event, you know. Don't worry who's gonna be there. You might meet someone new. You know, it's it's a very closed-minded thing to just.

Like

It kinda softens it a little bit, but it's still I don't know.

Well because you're saying certain things that are softening it. And not making it seem like your decision hinges on who's going. You're saying, Oh, I'm hoping to come, right? I'm sure it will be fun. I'll let you know this evening. So you're saying other things. So that's passable, I guess, right? It's passable.

Possible. Yeah. But it's like, you know, if if you're doing this in a disingenuous way, you know, it might you might not be able to fool the person.

Yeah. It's also kind of fun just to show up to a party and not quite know who I mean you have some idea because you know who your friend's friends are, right? Um so you have some idea usually who who will be there. But sometimes it's fun just to show up and see who's there. Right.

Oh my god. I well I mean it brings me back to in college. I was going on a trip and it was like an organized big trip and I was going with my friend. Um and she at the last minute got sick and she backed out and I was oh my gosh, I was freaking out and oh I'm supposed to go with this friend. And then it turned out probably to be the best thing. I mean, uh that sh that she didn't go. I mean, no offense to her. Um, but I think it branched me out because then you're kinda stuck to that person.

Yeah. That's the thing. When you don't really know you just know people as acquaintances, you can branch out a lot more. And that's actually really good for learning a language. Like if you get invited to a party with a bunch of native speakers, you don't really know anyone that well. It's a huge and you're not with anyone else that you know, especially that speaks your language. Huge learning opportunity for fluency building, right?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. So so if it's not what's making your decision, who else is coming, then make sure that that's obvious. So you might say something like, Oh, who's coming? I'm so excited to see everyone. So this implies you're going. You are going. You're just curious.

Yeah. Or you you say you could say they've asked you if you're coming, yes I'll be there. Who else is RSVP'd? Right? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So this makes it s clear that you're just you're just wondering who's gonna be there, but you're excited anyway, you're going. Um so let's do some role plays, Lindsay.

Okay. Uh here we go. So here I asked you to a movie night. Love movie nights. Love going to the movies. All right. So are you interested?

Uh, sounds like fun. Is anyone I know coming?

Yeah, Beth will be there too.

Oh awesome. Yeah. I think I can make it.

Yeah, so you kinda slipped it in there, the question a little bit. Um borderline, right?

Borderline, right? You know, sometimes there's that gray area, but we but we absolutely want to avoid is who else has come

I know.

Tone of voice.

Or depends who's coming, right? That that really makes it seem like it's hinging on it. Um I think it's fair to ask if people you know are coming. So um let's do another one. So in this one, um I am waiting on an RSVP from you for my birthday dinner. All right. Okay.

Yes.

Okay, so can you make it?

Yeah, I'll be there. Uh who else is RSVP?

Oh our whole group is coming too. Oh I'm so glad you can make it.

That's awesome. Can't wait. So here I already said I said yes, I'm coming. Right. So if I'm asking who else is RSVP'd after, it's a very different question, right? Um, and and the first one you kind of said you kind of tentatively said sounds like fun. So you're enthusiastic about it no matter who's coming. So this one's better. This one's a little more polite because you've already said, Yes, I'm coming. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Really interesting. So, um, guys, that other episode I was talking about is twenty-six twelve. That was I'm up for it if you are, how to recruit your friends to join you at social events.

Good. All right. Excellent. Okay. Yes, Michelle. I think this definitely goes in the top ten of the fastest ways to break connection. Hit follow if you're interested in that episode coming up soon. Um, any other takeaway, Michelle? I mean, yeah, what do you think?

Any other takeaways? Yeah, just um, you know, sometimes we have to talk about what not to do, right? And how it can sound and it's the perception of what it gives off and even if maybe your intention isn't that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So um but this has been really interesting to talk about today.

Yeah, I love it. And you know, um, if you know the person well that you're talking to, that you're answering that question. Um it's not as devastating every single word you say, right? Because the person knows you, they know you in context and they know like, oh, that's not what she meant, or you know, she's just distracted or busy or something. Um but it's more about like new relationships where it could make or break.

All right.

Bye, take care.

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