AEE 2601: I'm So Glad We Did This! Subtle Ways to End a Gathering

This is an All Ears English podcast episode 2601. I'm so glad we did this. Subtle Ways to End a Gathering.

Welcome to the All Ears English Podcast, downloaded more than 200 million times. Are you feeling stuck with your English? We'll show you how to become fearless and fluent by focusing on connection knowledge. Not perfection with your American host Aubrey Carter, the IELTS whiz, and Lindsay McMahon, the English Adventurer, coming to you from Arizona and Colorado, USA.

A few weeks ago we showed you blatant and direct ways to suggest a party is over. But most of the time we need to be more subtle and And we have to pick up on language cues. What are they? Find out today.

You can be technically correct in English and still not sound natural. Maybe your sentences are grammatically right, but something feels stiff, a little robotic, not quite how a native speaker would say it. That's nuance. Fluency lives in collocations, phrasal verbs, and word choice, not just grammar rules. If you keep using the same safe phrases, it may be time to stretch. Find out your level and what vocabulary skills you are missing.

Hello Michelle. How are you today? How's it going?

I'm doing well, Lindsay. How are you? I'm feeling good.

I'm doing pretty good today. Michelle, I have a personality question.

For you. Okay.

So do you tend to be more direct or more subtle when you're setting boundaries with people?

Mm. I think it depends who it is.

Okay. Well first of all, what does it mean setting boundaries?

Saying what's okay and what's o not okay. Like for example, um a boundary would be um not uh having people just pop over to your house unannounced, right? Like, oh, you require a certain invitation or that someone asks or uh s something like that. Um I think maybe i it just it depends who it is. I think it's with somebody like close family I might be more direct, people I don't know as well, more subtle. What do you think?

Yeah, I think uh it also depends on the person's level of emotional intelligence and awareness. Um some people just don't have the best feelers for things and they just don't get cues. And so with people like that, I do have to be a little bit more direct.

Yeah.

But some people are just ninjas when it comes to The and sensing things. So for those people I could be a lot more subtle. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a good point.

So uh in that episode of that first part, you know, like Michelle said, it was very direct. These phrases were like screaming, it's time to leave.

Like, goodbye.

What was that the one about the pool that we talked about?

Everybody out of the pool.

Like someone's there with like a practically a megaphone, right? Yeah. Right. So today is just the opposite. So we realize there is a place in life for a much more subtle um implic like you're implying that it's time to go. For those people that are probably have a bit more uh high level empathy and can sense what you're saying, right? Or you just sometimes it's just not the time to be blatantly obvious about things. Right.

Right. Right. And and you know, um in the direct episode it was also um we were focusing more on telling someone something's over and uh being a guest was part of that. Um this one today we're gonna focus on the subtleties. Yeah, specifically um of ending the night with uh with a guest. So um

Yeah. Okay. So are we are we talking today, Michelle, about getting someone to leave? Like you are you're hosting a guest at your home again? Is it the same scenario, but we're being more subtle or is it more broad? Okay. Okay. Okay, good. And it does depend on a few different things, how direct uh and how subtle we're gonna be, Michelle, right?

What is it? Exactly. Yeah. I mean, there are times to be direct and there are times to be subtle. And like we were saying, it depends on your relationship. Also Lindsay's mentioned the emotional intelligence of the person, your personality, how direct do you need to be? Sometimes is that someone's not picking up what you're putting down and you're going subtle, subtle, subtle, and then it's like I

Yeah, that's true. That's true. And some people have a very sarcastic relationship so they can say things in a direct way. And people may or may not take them seriously, so they may need to be more subtle than I don't know. Everyone's just really different in the way they do this. But we want you guys to be able to express your personality in English. That's the whole point of the B two C One level, right?

Yes, exactly. So today we're gonna get into some subtle ways, some cues, um that you might say to hint at that you're ready to end the night. Um and uh we're gonna talk through all of these and why they may indicate it's time for someone to leave.

And the truth is, I mean, I think many of us live in this place ninety percent of the time. I I guess I do, you know? Right. Um there are cues. There are cues. And it's like a shared I don't know, a language, but it's like a a different a sub language or something. Isn't it kind of? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, actually, you know what? Uh th this makes me think of so we had people over for the Super Bowl. Uh but they were all people with young kids. And so at the end of the night uh well not the it after halftime everyone was leaving and we knew that.

Yeah to big on that. Yeah. Like if there was a couple that didn't have kids and they were you know, they stayed and they stayed.

And we're starting to get ready for bed and lunch.

Yeah, the Super Bowl is played very late on the east coast.

Yeah. And it's on the it's on a Sunday so it's a school night, so you know, we you you gotta get you gotta get moving and all the kids start going crazy and it's it's time for everyone. Yeah.

So I think our listeners are ready then. So these these can happen at parties, these can happen oh, these can also happen um at the end of phone calls. So I was on a phone call with a friend. I'm trying to s I'm just scanning what we're gonna teach our listeners on Friday. Or like we usually have like two hour long Zoom calls. My friend and I who live my friend who lives in um in Minnes in she lives in

Alright, so one is just this is very subtle. Wow, what time is it?

Yes. Wow, what type that one's a little yeah. A little more almost I guess it's more subtle, but it in some ways it's more direct.

I know. It's interesting, right?

You're saying something.

Right. I mean like I know Dan had some friends over the other day and they actually all lost track of time. And so he and it's so that that can happen and you're like, Oh my gosh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it can happen. Yeah. Um, for sure. And then I'm so glad we did this, right? Is what I mentioned earlier.

And what's the key word there?

Did right.

Right. So it's saying, Oh, I'm already considering this to be in the past because you're

Yeah, you're saying it's in the past tense, right. So clearly

Right, instead of uh instead of I'm so glad we're doing this, right? Is a little different type.

You might hear that at the beginning of the gathering, right, or the middle. Right. Um, how's the rest of your week looking? So now we're looking ahead. So I'm unlikely to say that at the beginning of a gathering or a phone call, but at the end I might, right?

Yeah, right. Or you must be tired from so you must be tired from working all day or from all the exercise you did or right? So you're putting it on the Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Or you might just yeah, you might just yawn. I mean, I do this sometimes when I am ready to leave somewhere or have someone leave. Not I don't fake a yawn. I I don't know.

No, no, no, no. It's har it's it faking a yawn is ri there's no way to fake a yawn without it being obvious. But you really can't Yeah, why am I so tired? You know?

Right, exactly. So it's in the language here. It's just we have to be listening for it, right, Michelle? So we don't miss these cues.

And it is interesting what you pointed out, Lindsay, that in some way these these are more subtle, but in some ways they're very direct because they're kinda known, right? Like it's it but it but it's just not saying, All right, party's over. Yeah, it's just

Exactly. Interesting. All right. So let's talk about how we would actually use these, Michelle. So when there's a lull in the conversation, you would throw this in, right? Especially getting towards the end of the gathering. Um it's gonna be subtle, calm sounding. So what do we need to know here?

Yeah, I mean and um I mean you could also use just body language, right? So you could look at your watch. You could even just start getting up and kind of cleaning, tidying up. Um, you know, uh anything else that you think just like a physical cue.

Yeah, it just makes me think when you said the tidying up thing, it makes me think of my sister in law because she's constantly tidying up in the kitchen, but we never

So was mine.

We stay over, so we never leave. I don't know if she wants us to leave.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's funny. Yeah, I don't know what it is. It's like anytime something's out of place in the kitchen there's a there's a scrubbing happening. There's a

Same sister in law.

We might, Michelle. I don't know. We might live parallel lives.

Yeah, no, she's got she's got the vacuum and the mo and like she and she like it it it it's just hilarious because it's everybody's still just hanging out and she's cleaning up. So it's true you can't tell in that situation.

You really can't tell. Well, I mean, yeah, so interesting quirks. People have their quirks. Um to start cleaning up. And then other c other physical cues. Ah I think there's some body language. Um I don't know, gestures like well, you know, like just saying well. Um, and and then well, you know, well, we've already given the listeners the phrases, so I'm just I'm just trying to imagine being in a scenario.

Right.

Yeah. You know, something like, Wow, this has been great

Right. Right. This is the great. Right. Right. Right. Or even even saying like, oh, like even commenting sometimes you could even comment on the weather.

Like

Yeah. Oh it's you know, yeah, so what's the rest of this we you know, like the you know, anything about the future, right?

Anything about the future. I mean, when my friend and I finished up our call on Friday, we said, you know, I or I think I asked her like what's on tap for you this weekend? I like the phrase, What's on tap for you? Uh it's kinda fun. What's on tap for you this weekend? You know, what are what are your plans? What are you doing? Right. Right.

Right, exactly. And I think these are on the more subtle side of anything because it c somebody could just see it as a conversation, but it's worth a try.

But this is part of getting to know culture. I mean, in another culture it could very much be the middle of the conversation, right? Right. But I think in American culture people somet I I do think maybe people I don't I don't know if this is true or not, but I feel like maybe people

I think when you're when you're planning on going out with someone for a dinner it's like an hour or two. Like

Yeah, it's not six, it's not five. Yeah. There might be something to that. Maybe we put something in the poll, Michelle, about that. Like how long typical out. Dinner out or dinner in at someone's home. How long do you expect that to last? Yeah. There could be something there. So this is cultural too, right?

Yes, exactly. So, um, yeah, I think we should go ahead and do the role play. What do you think?

Let's do it, Michelle. So here uh you are at my house. And I am ready for you to go. I'm ready.

I am not taking the hint.

There we go.

No, here you go. So that's why I decided to study abroad for two semesters instead of one.

Wow, how interesting. So how's the rest of your week looking?

Oh, busy busy, but it's all good.

Yeah, well you must be tired from your crazy work schedule.

No, not really too bad, actually. It gives me energy.

Oh good. Oh wow. What time is it?

Oh, only nine. Can you believe it? I thought it was later.

Ugh Why am I so tired?

Have you had your thyroid levels checked?

I should. Well, I'm so glad we did this.

Oh me too. Oh, okay. Uh well I guess I should be going.

Oh no, so soon? Okay. Well this is really interesting. So it took you three rounds to get it. Right. Three s cues that had to get more and more. And again, the I shared my story at the beginning of the first part of this episode series. When my friend Sam had to actually resort to the yawn, right? So that we would leave. Uh so embarrassed that I did that. Right.

Right, right, yes, exactly.

Um, and it took you a while to get there. You finally got there, but then interestingly, I said, Oh no, so soon, be careful. That's a trap. Culturally, that's a real trap. Um because if you I I I I want you to leave, right? But I'm sort of pushing back slightly.

Yeah, it's just like you're trying to be polite. You're like, Okay, she got it But like I could also imagine me in this role play being like, Oh, okay, actually I guess I could stay a few more moments.

Yeah.

So you're playing up with fire a little bit there.

You're playing with fire. Yeah. But I mean, that's a real trick, a real trap. So let's go through it, Michelle. What is the first uh strategy that I resorted to?

So y uh talking about the future. You said how's the rest of your week looking?

Yeah. That's a really good one that we're bringing that up, you know, if we're talking about the future Eight times out of ten. Yeah. Especially if it's falling towards the end of the night, that's you know, we're implying, hey, let's look to the future, meaning in the next ten minutes I want you walking out the door. Right. Slubby. Oh my gosh. This is really quite complex, I think, culturally speaking. It's really interesting.

And instead of me saying, Yeah, it is exhausting, yeah, I should get some sleep I said, Oh no no

Yeah.

Yeah. It gives me energy.

Yep. Now I'm gonna get a little more aggressive, right? And to say, oh good.

Pulling out the big gun.

I'm actually looking at my watch. Who even has a watch in their on their wrist anymore? I don't know. Maybe I'm grabbing my phone. Oh wow, what time is it?

Right. Right. But instead of me saying picking up on that, I said, Only nine? Can you believe it? I thought it was later.

Oh God, you're really tone dev, Michelle here.

Yes, I'm not getting it. I am not.

Not getting it. And then I went for the old like last resort yawn, right? Maybe my arms are coming out. Why am I so tired? Oh

Oh but then I still didn't get it and I said, Have you had their thyroid levels checked?

Oh gosh. And that is not what I wanted to hear, right? And then I said I should Well I'm so glad we did it now. Actually just ending I'm just ending it because I'm so glad we did this, not I'm so glad we're doing this. Right. Right? Right. Right.

Right, it's over. Party's over. At this point you might need to pull out a party's over. Everybody out of the pool. Yeah.

Do you do you have any friends I'm not sure if you've told us this. Do you have any friends who tend to do this or have done this before? That they just miss all the cues when you're trying to get them out of the house?

I don't think so.

No.

I I think I think for the most Trying to think. I don't I I think for the most part people i are pretty good about when they leave. But but it ha but it has h I know my parents have talked about uh you know, with with their friends like, Oh, they just were here for hours and hours, you know.

I feel like it's probably more common if people have kids that they would pick up on the cues'cause they're also thinking about their kids. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But maybe like single couples that have no responsibilities or something. Right.

That could be different.

The biggest danger biggest danger there. Yeah.

Exactly, exactly. So oh my gosh. This was fun, Lindsay

This was fun and I as we got further into the episode I realized how important this is and how subtle it is and how cultural it is, Michelle. So yeah. Any final takeaway for our listeners in terms of connection?

Um well Lindsay, I'm so glad we did this. No, um I'm just uh no I

I get that.

You get the hit. Um you you uh you know, the this yeah, Lindsay really I love what you said about the culture and we have to think about all of that. Um and you know, there's a time to be more subtle, there's a time to be more direct, but the interesting thing is with the subtle ones we taught, in some ways they are very direct, but then you have somebody like me in the role play that's like, get your thyroid levels checked. Why are you tired? I don't know. Maybe you're just asking me for help.

Yeah. And I think the other piece to supplement, and we're gonna probably make a poll question about this. Think about what is a typical amount of time that you hang out with people. Like, I mean, I know weddings in Ind in India go for like two weeks, right? And in the US they go for four hours. Uh that's an extreme example. But my partner was just in Berlin last week and I heard stories of people like spending a lot of time out together more than than we were used to, you know, in in the US. So

I mean,

Uh you know, for me I would say probably max three hours. But I have a feeling some of our listeners might say five hours.

We have friends, I mean, uh not to start a whole new episode, but we do have friends where like we we end up spending the whole day together. It's like sometimes you do two meals. I mean, that's for like really close friends, so it can happen.

Yeah, but yeah, it can happen. And if you're really close, like that's not a big deal, right? This is kind of like not your best, best friends because it wouldn't be an issue. You would just say, hey, I gotta go to bed. You gotta go.

Yeah, yeah. Yep. Exactly. Exactly. And guys, remember to check out episode twenty five eighty nine. Um that's the more direct one. So uh uh don't forget to listen to that one as well.

All right, we could go on and on, but let's get off the mic, Michelle. I hear you are dropping hints, so we're getting off.

Oh what time is it? Yeah, okay.

All right. We'll talk to you very soon. Michelle, have a good day.

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