Turtles on Vacation

is we're looking good. We are. We are in the red, green, black. Thank you for that. Chris. Hey, there's Craig Kakowski. Kacow, what is an item in your home that you've never used and if honest most likely never will look behind you. Yeah, we'll let that be. We'll let that be video only. So uh so people, the people merely listening can use their imaginations. But yeah, there's a way one. But it's very prominent in the house. Like I don't I don't know where I would put it even right, the perfect

spot for it clearly has already been chosen. Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna block a door, what else would you use Look over there, it's James Heeney Duke Johnson. James. If you could have only one flavor of ice cream for the rest of your life, what will it be? It's easy. There's only one flavor ever buy. It's peanut butter chocolate caramel. First of all, I love that combination. But I am very very sad that you only allow yourself one flavor. You're entire Okay, Actually I can't believe it.

I lie that I buy other ones, but that's thee I buy for me. I also buy a mint chocolate chip that's for Aaron. I also enjoyed the other flavor I get. You got the two covered, and now please welcome back. A tool sing, a tool way better than the tool. Favorite class in college and why uh it's financial accounting. Actually had a great professor, Professor Jennings um he Actually I believe he won a professor award that year. Uh is very exciting. I love Yeah, I love the books.

And uh, I knew exactly what Chris was talking about when he was talking about He was probably talking about Q one Q one, but he could also compare to Q four. It depends on which quarterly system Chris is on, which is also a good question. What was that professor's name? Again? Who professors? And he won the award like a like a teacher of the year in the business school award. Yeah, a professor award the profits. It's been so long and last, but no more trips to Catalina. If you think at

least it's Mark Gagliardi, Hello grab bag Leardi. Can you explain nutella? Please? Yes, nutella. Imagine if peanut butter and Hershey's syrup instead of being layered, we're just massed together by a five year old and just like and then finger painted on top of a bagel. That's what you put it on, right, a bagel. I mean, I've seen it on so many things. I just never understood it's fair because it's a faint it's a faint taste of

like a hazel nut. Not really. They say hazel nuts spread, but it is clearly chocolate frosting with a hint of hazel It does confuse me. It's wildly popular, clearly, it's been around for for decades, but I never understood the all in commitment to hazel nut. Though I'm a hazel nut fan. The coffee I people make fun of me. I only buy flavored coffee. Uh, and I frequently get the hazel nut. It's just that that little hint. I

just like that little hint. Like I said, it's a wildly successful company and they and it's all based on people's enjoyment of hazel nut. I just didn't realize. I mean, you know, when pitching to let's get on with the show.

All of our scene suggestions are gathered from your listener emails or from our patron v I p s to become a patron supporter of the show, enjoy exclusive content like standalone bonus scenes we or a video recording of this very session, or at the highest level of the Alco maniac you could join one of these zoom sessions, as we did earlier today with three a Maniacs. That's right, that was so much fun. They really was um and we're gonna do a lot more of them on a

continuing basis. We'd love to hear from you. But if you do want to support through the Patreon, just go to patron dot com slash alchemy. This it's that simple. But if you'd like to just send in a scene suggestion any old time or a comment or a question about I don't know James Heney's attire right to us at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. It's Alchemy this cemology, wow, Greig. Scene one comes from listener, in fact, Eric Johnson, who wrote to us at that very email.

Dear Mr the Kevin Pollock, I just started listening to the newest EPP of Alchemy this. I paused it right after you told listeners me to send in more email suggestions. So here's another email for you to not read on the podcast in your face. Eric Johnson got him bamn. Scene suggestions, Turtles on vacation, lots of love the real Eric Freemont, No, not Fremont, Alabama. Honey, did you get

the Chase Lounge? Did you reserve the chaise Lounge? Yeah? Okay, because you know if we don't do it early before the sun comes up, then the fucking humans come down and there's no more Chase lounges. We got it, We got it, Okay, baby, babe, this isn't inclusive resort. I need you so don't tip, no tipping, no nothing. I want you to not worry about finances for once. Okay, listen, you already won, Professor of the year. I got my profits, So now is your time to just relax. I can't.

And even if we see if we see a couple of humans, they're gonna want to pick you up, touch you, so be it. I can't stop counting the number of professors that did not win the prophet I know, I know we need to be Oh look, look, look, look, here comes some complimentary cabbage. Good morning. How do you do this morning, professor babe? Mr honey, Yes, you're saying cabbage for you? And can I get you any drinks to start your morning off right? Do you have any

pound water? I can get pound water for you, no problem. I'm curious what's a lava flow? What exactly is that? A lava flow is a drink. It's I hate to say this because I don't want to be accused of favoritism, but a lava flow is really a drink that we only serve to the humans here only only specifically it is for the humans. I apologize. It is a delicious drink, but baby, it might be bad. It might be bad

for you. Well, I did pay for the inclusive, the all inclusive, and attempt to get a drink, and I'm hearing exclusive. I'm just telling you that it is in fact bad for you. There is a there's an ingredient in a lava flow that is that is fatal to turn. Everyone clearly knows what's best for me, even though I've got a profitt and I can't imagine you. They'll take He'll take a seltzer. Thank you. I would be right back. So, um, the main thing is make sure the cart is right

outside the room you're cleaning. People like to take stuff right off of it. The lotions. That's probably the number one thing that goes all right, and but doesn't even matter. It's like free, right, yeah, but it's like it can't be that expensive. If somebody wants an extra lotion, if they want extra, and of course we'll give it to them, uh turrell. But we don't want to just encourage people to take as many all right. I mean, I just I wanted to work outside. There's a whole bunch of

areas outside this dungee halls aren't cool? Tell me about it. Get some sunshine. Hey, sorry you guys, you're blocking my door. I'd like to get into my room. Are you cleaning my room right now? Is that what's happening. We were just about to oh those lucians, Yeah, yeah, please takes wonder if I can grab a couple of Yeah, I see, there's already four on your table there. This will make six. You do not need to know what I'm doing with him? Nope, okay.

I made sure that when I checked in we don't have to share what we're doing with the luc See the device in the back corner of your room, so I won't ask any further questions. I appreciate that very much. If you like kickboxing, let me know. All right, Well, do have a good afternoon part of me? Did you want to enjoy it? That's accusing by yourself? Or can I join? Is that my husband's self up there? And I just just gonna no, no, no, please please? Oh okay,

oh out she it hurts so good. It's It's odd, isn't it? Guy? Isn't it so? I could not have noticed your a turtle? Yes? Yes, and you human? I'm a human. Yeah, mostly mostly humans here, but there are some uh you know, sentient animals here. Well. Yes, oh, I'm so sorry. I did not mean to touch your leg. That's weird, that's all right. Make yourself comfortable, just like

the jets are kind of pushing me around. I've I've noticed you and your husband at dinner, like you're you're doing the six o'clock dinner service, right, You guys are consistently showing up around six that. Yes, that's very that's exactly right. And you look winded when you get there. It takes us a moment. It takes us so wild, you know, the old They really should stagger it, you know, to to accommodate for you know, for slower patrons. Thank you.

Or I always thinking what about one of those moving walkways? That would be nice, That would be nice. So what do you what do you? What do you do? I'm a consultant and I lecture a lectural of the world on consulting. Is that a lot of flow you're drinking? It is a love of flow. Would you like a sip? I don't think I should. There's nuts eller in it?

What the peanut butter planed hazel nut thing? Yeah, I don't know, I don't know what the excuse me, excuse me a ms Mr honey, Mr Honey, I have I have a note that was just handed to me from professor Babe. Your husband's he's eyeing you from over there and gave me this note. Oh gosh, let me see. He does not seem very happy. I don't have my glasses. Can you read this for me? Of course I don't speak very good turtle. But hold on, let me put it in Google Translate. Thank you. Oh, it says who's he?

Let me clarify, are you you're a male turtle? You're a male turtle. I'm terribly sorry. I cannot tell turtle gender specifically. I've been calling you Mr honey this whole trip. I'm so sorry. If that's incorrect, it's fine, this is important. Tell me if so, what do you think that machine was? I don't know, Taryll, I don't know, but you gotta be a little curious. It doesn't matter what it is. It probably has something to do with all those lotions. I bet it's a sex machine. All right. Well, we

don't number one rule here. When you work in the hallways, you don't ask. Come on, you don't ask that guy. That guy was begging for us to ask what that machine was. No customers ever begging for us to ask. I don't know where you work before, but things are different. This is my first job. This is your first job, this is my first job, and I'm crushing it. I'm gonna be your boss in no time. All right. Well that's good ambition, and we'd like to see that from

all our employees. Um. You know, there's a conference going on at this hotel tonight and the keynote speaker is gonna be speaking. He speaks all over the world, and I think you might like it. Why because he talks about getting what you want to do and achieving goals. I got what I want to do and I'm achieving goals. Maybe I should be a keynote speaker. Well I don't think you just become a keynote speakers trying to grab a couple of these lotions things. Oh my god, that

was incredible. Oh to have a lover who who actually takes their time, it's that was so rewarding. And now we cannot speak about this. Oh no, no, no, I'm sorry. Uh oh god, you're driving me crazy. Like, um, I understand you're speaking later tonight. Huh I'm supposed to. I might just scrap everything I was gonna say and then talk about what just happened that that, Like I didn't I didn't even know how this was gonna work, and you showed me. Oh well, I've yeah, I've spent time

with other humans. Um, you have housekeeping, hid Hi. I just gonna coming so I'm gonna pick you up. I'm butting your Hello, sh Hi, Is this a bad time? You're yes, it's this is a bad time, but you're here. You're here. Is that a tattoo of a tiger? Yes, yes it is. I got this in Singapore. I was lecturing and consulting there. Actually, no, I was consulting on lecturing there. Very fancy, sounds, very exciting. It was. We were just going to clean the room. Is that okay?

There's another tattoo on that side too, Okay, Oh yeah, that's uh that's a jackal fighting fighting the tiger. Wow. He was gonna make the bed over here. Okay, don't don't, don't get too too close there. Huh. You don't need to make that side of the bed. Uh you but you No, I'm not falling for that. There's something on somebody in your room, sir. We'll take care of what you mean something? What do you mean something? I don't know, it's under the cover, is all right? Okay? I'm begging

you up, begging. Oh my god, turtle. Yes, it's a turtle. Who's a guest. Who's a guest at this resort? Thank you? A turtle? Who I just fucked? What? Uh? Professor, babe? If you don't mind me asking, M you've you've been crying underneath this chess lounge all day. Thanks for noticing. I didn't want to bother anyone. I hope I haven't been a disturbance. No, you've been on disturbance. I just want to come by and see if you need a drink. Do you know what I could use is some sort

of uh firearm? I do not know what you're planning, professor, but it's not really important to specifics. But a rifle long range, maybe with a scope. It would be pretty great. Honestly, I do not know how you would carry it if I got it for you, but I could probably pay an extra hundred dollars on top of whatever the reynal would be. Oh, oh you are You are really not in good shape. Maybe you've had too much. You didn't

drink a lava flow, did you. I know it's all inclusive, but i'd be happy to pay an extra, Professor, baby, I'm just going to pick you up and carry over here right now. I'm just just don't mind me. You just it seems like you maybe have been in the sun too long. I'm I'm just gonna set you up here on this counter so we can see each other. I do I shake that. But are you familiar with the word consent? I am. I assumed it was a human, So I apologize for soon that I wanted to be.

I do I with you. Look, can you get the rifle, professor? I? I mean I can't get the rifle. We can always, of course, I can get the rifle I got. I got all kinds of guns. What do you need? What? What do need? I got guns for humans, guns for crocodiles, guns for dogs, guns. Do you have guns for turtles? Yeah? Hey, who are you gonna give this? Turtles are fucking crazy? Man? Wait what this gun has a magazine with forty six bullets. Turtles are insane. It's I work at an all inclusive resort.

If someone wants something, we have to get it for them. I'll sell it to you, man, But I don't want you to tell anybody you've got from me, all right, I won't tell anybody anything. I'm We're very good at keeping secrets. We're an all inclusive resort. The first rule I used to work in housekeeping is don't ask hello, why Ki Ki? Marriott guests, all right, thank you, thank you. We've got a lot to get through. We've got a

lot to get through. But uh, let's let's talk about getting what you want, getting what you want out of life. Can we go to the first slide? Okay, there seems to be some sort of laser pointer. That's not my laser pointer. They put that down, Bye, down, It's not a laser pointer. It's just the turtles gun. You want a piece of this? What you're gonna what are you gonna do to him? Kill him? Why? Babe? I'm taking him out because you fucked him? What do you mean

why babe? Let's talk about back believe act concede, no believe act. Can't you can't just go up there. He's talking right now. I can't too. Like I'm gonna seize what I want and I want to be the keynote speaker, do not walk up there. It's it's very rude, it's completely unconventional. You're not that turtle's got a gun, no, babe, no, no, oh god, this bullet is coming at me so slow. A turtle paste bullet is seeing one. Uh too much fun.

Scene two concipating v I P. McCoy kit Well, who wrote, dear Joey, king of the heat, Good job on the oatmeal, James, I can smell what the heat is cooking. Try tossing some peb and j in there for a good time. A scene suggestion for the alchemists milking oats a lickey boom boom down McCoy. Yeah, can I help you? Yeah? Coffee tall? Okay, oat milk with the side. Can you put some hazel out of it? And um, do you want the sugar free or the coffee? Yeah, it's a syrup.

It's a simple, sir. No, I understand. There's so many options these days, and I didn't. Yeah, the sugar free would be great eye contact, eye contact like some icon. No, please, not for many staff now not necessary. We're out of We're out of oat milk. Are you serious? I understand. How many locations do they need before they can keep It's the supply, the supply. They're having a hard time. Supply chain, convenience. I don't know. I don't know. It's

just okay, alright, So is everything okay? Sorry? Yeah, um, We're just we're out of I'm so sorry. It's first coffee. This is a fucking Starbucks. You're at a coffee. We're not out of coffee. After ten am, we can only serve pike, which between you and me is garbage. I used to live over there, but we have we have a problem with the oat milk. Can I can I beg you to be okay with almond? We just were out a void. Can't you just have one of your staff go in the back? Fair milk up? Fair question?

Milk A note? Is that what you're asking? No? Okay, milk a note? I just heard you say someone going to back end milk and then I interrupted you. So what were you gonna know? I forgot I've lost my tramp thought because you forgot what you were going to say when used to go in the back and milk. You know, I know, I don't even know what pal I'm just about out of here. I can't take work in here anymore, Barista had these people here don't even know what that word means. Do you, for example, know

what the word barista? Stands for stands for it's a it's an acronym. Yeah, it's the acronym. That's exactly right. I don't know. I don't know, Barista. This is very simple. Guys, Barista believe, act react, initiates, start talk act. Okay, it's very it's convenient. A lot of time considered reacting because look, I gotta get this. The bullet is still coming out

of the guys, Barista, believe act. Hey, so what's going on on your side of the things with the milk and of the Uh, look, man, we need we need this milk. If you didn't get this milk and we we have a problem. Hey man, look, I only got I got fourteen cows and only one of them is magic. So you get thirteen cow'sworth of regular milk and one cow'sworth or whatever milk she wants to put out. Well, you ever tried making that, you know, bringing a magic

bull over. Hav a good time with the magic cow, and then have some don't get crazy with me with me with magic bulls. Everybody they know such thing as a magic bull. At least I've never seen one in my life. You go out, all right, now another find the magic bull. You bring me a magic bull, and I'll make more of these cows. But until then, you're gonna get almond milk, until she's done reading those books about how great almond milk is for you. God damn, I mean, don't get mad at me. I'm a personal

This ain't a personal attack. I just I feel like everything with you is a personal attack. Ever since you personally attacked me. That's that what we have squashed that particular situation. Have we have? Have we have? We have? We have? We have? Have you have? You? Wait? Have we? So? What are you looking for? And you're looking for a gun for an animal? Uh? Different kind of I need a rifle that fits into a small creatures Uh would they be paus hoofs. No, let's just say small creatures

hands that could hold on to a little tiny rifle. Yeah, like a baby gun for like a community baby rifle. Yeah, you know what, let's look for a baby rifle. Do you have rifles a baby today? I'm running a special if you if you buy a gun right throwing this? Uh this which ball? It's like a magic ball? Oh yeah, what what does that mean exactly? Yeah? I don't know. I just need to offload. It's trouble. Okay, do you want to Is that the magic bull? Yeah, that's all

I got. I don't carry animals. Normally I carry weapons and accessories for animals. But this, this cool, this bull has been nothing to trouble. So you want me to take the bull off your hand? Excuse me, I'm looking for a rain jacket for a poodle boy. Ah yeah, here you go. Six dollars moving along, cute, cheap, Thank you. It's good, good, good. So I buying the baby rifle and you're gonna throw in a whole bull I just wanted off my hands. Okay, yeah, great, I'll take the ball. Well, look,

I feel I feel better. Now. Let's say I gribbed that much in years. Let's say we uh, we go get a cup of coffee. I'd like that. I'm buying. Oh how about this Starbucks right here? Yeah? Sure, they're all the same, that's what I think thinking. Yeah, welcome, Can I get you? I'm not done here, I am not done. Why did you move on? We're still as we don't have oh bilk sorry going you guys go ahead, because hey, Steve, Steve, come back here for a second. It's up. Hey, why don't you just give him some

regular milk and say it's oat milk. It's gonna be too hot to drink till he's gone, because like what if he's lactose and tallerant. I don't want to poison a customer and be John. Come on, no one gets caught whenever it gets caught for this here, I'll do it. I'll do it. Yeah, yeah, you go out there and take my take. My shift was quite frankly, I'm fucking done. Oh well, I'm still gonna need your help pleas alright, Uh so this is it turns out I had one last thing, I oat milk. Uh and here is a

piping hot cup of coffee without milk. That ain't right. There ain't no oat milk anywhere, right, Yeah, we we both know there ain't no oat milk here. You can hear us. Shut up? Everybody shut up? Are you the one looking for oat milk? Don't tell me a customer to shut up? First of all, I'm so sorry, I did not mean that for you know, I'm gonna go take my business and go to the coffee being across the street. But all right, hello, hi, so you actually have oatmelk that must mean you have a must have

a very special animal because we know the supplying. Yeah, I've got I've got lots of special animals and tons of tons of oat milk. Well actually not tons, but we're looking for a special animal right now. In fact, that special animal could end this whole oat milk crisis. Oh well, umm, well, I I can't share my special animal, but it does get me something. You aligned to us, are you? Huh? Well? I mean is it illegal to lie to you? Who are you? You're just a customer, right, Hi?

Welcome to the coffee being a tea leaf across the street from the Starbucks. What are you doing here? This is great? Come in, well that's so cool, thank you. What do you want coffee? See, I'll take a coffee, oat milk and uh oh old milk. Okay, all right, a little splash of hazel nut, A little splash of hazel nut. Okay? Did you try the Starbucks? Um, because they are either right across the street. No, I see him. I was just treated rudely there. That's why I came

here to give you. Okay, patronize you. We got you want to stone, we got I don't know how long some of these have been here, like some of these scones have been here from that's a rock. That's a rock. I think that is a rock. Just how about a tea? How about a tea? We gotta put something in the cases. T T. That's not hard, right, that's just uh, that's just you put a bag in the hot water and you got tea. Do you have a PIKOI? Who? How do you spell it? How do you spell that? Uh?

Pe koe? Okay, I got I got Belgian breakfast, which I don't know. I don't know what that is. I good, Yeah, I've never heard of that one? What else? What you have? Just name all six of them right there? Okay, I got Belgian breakfast, one, I got Burl Gray, got um ruy boost boost. It's always fun, all right. You see, you don't messed up because you lied to us. And that's why we brought you back here to this dairy farm.

And you're gonna milk. We won't Oh, you're gonna have to make it with that magic cow there until we get something that resembles oat milk. Unerstand what I'm saying? That's right? Oh? Oh um, well I can do that. It's just gotta resemble oat milk. Right, that has to be seen too. That has to be seen to. It just has to resemble oat milk. Good God save us all. See three comes from Patroon v I P. Crispy who rode hi Kevin. I've delved d to come up with

the following scene suggestion. One word it is flags. You are more than welcome, signed Crispy Flags, Ladies and gentlemen. Free legal aid given strength. That's free legal aid, given strength. Thank you very much, Thank you very much. You have a great day. You got by stew by. Do we uh hi, do we get legal advice along with a cup of coffee? Is that what this is? Uh? Yep, that's right. You can see we have all these wonderful uh lawyers here and uh and other legal people, and

they also have carafts of coffee. So you sit down, ask them a question. They will be happy to answer your questions the best of their knowledge, and they will give you a cup of coffee. That's free legal aid. And none of this is gonna be shared because it's private between us from the lawyer, right, it all depends on the specific uh degree or education that these particular lawyers have some are full fledged lawyers. That's right. Nothing

not path hopathetic. Co Uh what if you killed someone? Yeah, hypothetically, I'm not. I'm not. I'm just I actually just run the hall here. Yeah, I think I think I can take this one. I can take this one. Yeah. I'm not technically a lawyer. I'm what was referred to previously as other legal people. But if you want to come over to the other legal people table, that's fine. We can have a private conversation. All right, So hypathetically killed someone. Okay,

see this is what I'm talking about. By private conversation. I am on a microphone, and you stood in line from stand at this microphone, so that we are both speaking in the microphones, and you're talking about a hypothetical. Why don't let's say, hypothetically we're gonna go over to this table over here right after this, Why don't you come over and talk to me? There it's the table labeled labeled o LP. You're a cop. Catch Oh wow, he just ran right through that. Well look there's a

shape him in a hole in that wall. I'm I'm gonna wait for a lawyer. Well, look, you see, we have all these booth heres set up like like voting booths. Almost right, but there's chairs on the oither side. I don't need to paint the picture for you, but I will. And uh, you know, there are lawyers and other legal people here and coffee waiting to answer any of your questions. Flags again stands for what sir, Free legal aid given strength. Hey,

come on in, come on in. Uh my name is James Master Pattney and uh but people call me sweet James, and uh, I'm my full fledged lawyer. I'm on the other side of the spectrum. And that guy on the microphone and tell me what's on your mind. I'm I'm still waiting on that cappuccino. Sorry, that's okay. This is a lawyer booth. Okay, sorry about it. Um here, I'm gonna just cheat over to this boot. Hey, but I guess why while you're here? What what area of law

did you specialize in? Criminal? Criminal? Murders, robberies. Those are the two I specified in. Okay, also a little bit of financial, but mostly murders and robberies. So let's say say the word hypothetically. Please don't just say anything otherwise hypothetically say that I hypothetically killed someone Okay, so it's not an issue unless you did it. So yeah, yeah, I just want to want to throw out a hypothetical and see uh yeah, So my advice would be, unless

you did it, nothing to worry about. Good good. If hypothetically I had a baby gun, all right, you know those guns that are typically made for babies, but that yeah, I know exactly adults. Adults with small enough fingers and conceivably fire. Okay, Um, if I if I placed a baby gun to uh to the temple of of a co worker, I'm gonna tell you, I'll get this case torn out. You shouldn't be handling a baby gun. You look like a grown adult. And somebody who sold you

a baby gun, they're the ones at fault. Yes, I like this is very helpful. Are you doing the cappuccino or is there another another? Okay? Is this the o LP? Yeah, you look nervous. Hey, hey, hey, relax, relax. Do you want some cleanex to put in your armpits? Here? That was all right? See doesn't that feel nice? Yeah? You can take those out here? Now put some more. These are dry. Put some dry feels nice, don't sure? Okay? So o LP yeah, my service at my service. At you.

I told you we were at your service. Other legal people. Yeah, okay, um, so it's just a matter of the heart, and I don't know where that falls within the Oh oh look, all's fair in love and war. So anything you do because of love is legal. All's fair in love and war, and that will hold up in court. That holds up in in some courts. I I know a few jurisdictions

where it will hold up. So anything you need to do regarding love, because this is where jurisdictions a little like I'm gonna need you to do on the south end of the metropolitan area. Anything south of the river, south of the river. Okay, all's fair in love and war north of the river. I can't help you. Does that make sense? Alright? Perfect sense? I have a yeah, yeah, that one standards for me. You didn't I didn't know you were coming out of ordered you a cappuccino? It's okay, No,

what you want enough? And the advice? Would you like a soaked Rosemary Powell? No? Yep, all fair, lovel war south of the river. Thank you so much. You've been great. South of the river. Why does everyone run away from me and go through the wall. Now there's a hymn. Shake pole. Tell me my nose is sounding like a failding tracks. Do you have something like a clean x is um that I could use? This? Blow my nose, Tommy, please, yeah, I get these here you go? Oh thank you? Oh God,

what's happening? They smell horrible, that's yeah, I have a cleane should smell like you got it out of a box with a with a nice fragrance or something. This is These were the only the best I had in my armpits. Oh so you had the bo on the clean X before you hand it before. Well that's out full. Okay. I'm just a little lost. Am I on the south

side of the river or the north side? So if you just walk over that bridge, just we're gonna be walking to you right now, right now, you're currently north side. We're gonna walk over this bridge. You can follow, you can come with us. You know, I want to be on the north side, So I'm gonna say in the north side, So we want to we want to be in the south side. Good lucks are his problem, So you know, come on, I kind of I'm telling you that my nose is just not built for that do

you still love me? I mean, sure, mm hmmm. What kind of love? Were you questioning? What? I don't know? I guess, I guess all of it. I mean, when when I met you, I was eighteen and you were seven day with children. Well, you were a child. I felt like a child. And uh, you've grown so much in the last three years. Yeah, three years, three years. I'm I'm you know, and I'm so proud of you and you're but I can read it at seventy four year old level, so I know, I know, listen, listen.

I just I didn't know that when we started dating that I was contractually obligated to stay with you every single day and night, and that you wanted me to know that there's a con tracked involved freedom on my side south, Okay, a little more freedom. What would you like to do with this glorious freedom. I would like you to take one more step off this bridge, right then. I would like you to take this knife, yes, and I will insert it into your chest. O. God, stings

right there in the chest bone. Oh my god, that human killed another human. Run. We've seen too much, turtles, Just do your best. I don't think you've recovered from this sort of wound. James, Uh huh, Look, man, you can't keep coming here for legal advice. Um, you've been through all the lawyers. You've been through all the real lawyers and all the O LPs and nobody can help you. But still the problem is I can't help you either. You can't even on the facility. You're the kingpin of

it all. I mean in the sense I legally, what do I have? Hypothetically? All right, hypothetically, Hypothetically, let's say I was a barista. You know what, let's get rid of the hypothetically. It's just let's just go for it. I'm a barista. Boom? And which where and where do you work? Well at a coffee shop? Which one? Well, it's across the street from the Coffee Bean and Tea she And what's the deal? Well, we ran out of HOAt milk? And I do you have sex with the cow?

Wait a second, did the other lawyers tell you this before I got here, because they told me it was secret. Oh my god, this cow has given birth. Oh, oh my god, it looks like a human. That calve's got a man face. Try milking and see what comes out. Now, now, don't try milk and it. That cow's got a man's face. Well, just don't look at his face, just get under it. Sounds to me like legally you are the dad and you have that could be anybody that's a calf. I know that it came out with a mustache and a

tank top. Yeah, that's like your that's your signature. Look, would call it signature sail. There's plenty of room in the hot tub. Come on in. Hey, I noticed that you're a you're a human cow hybrid. What what brings you to the Marriott Wakiki Arratal problems have led to sacks that made me m oh, you want some oat milk? Oh? Can you you can? Yeah? Oh well I can see that. I'd see the hot tubs filling up with it. You're welcome. Wow nice right, Yeah, that's particularly good when it's boiling.

Are you Are you here with anyone? Mm hmm. You said marital problem, So I'm guess not mine. I'm the product of infidelity. Oh wait a minute, are you a are you a calf? You gotta you gotta tell me, you gotta tell me if you're a calf. Okay, I'm a calf. It seems so mature. Would you like to see my my suite. I'm gonna take it. I'm I'm picking you up. I'm picking you up. Oh this feels usual. So it turns out it's mine. There was a DNA test and you were right. Well, I do run a

facility for free legal aid. I'm actually just hoping that you you could get me like a not a baby gun, but like a full man. Good. Hey, go to o LP for that man. Oh yeah, he's gonna be cool with that. I think he'll be the coolest. I'll walk there now. Hey, welcome to o LP. What seems to be the problem, Well, you remember all those hypotheticals. Yeah, you're the guy that fuck that cow. Right, it's not it's shaw hypothetically and all that bullshit. Right, Yeah, what

can I do for you? Well, let's just say, come on the hypothetically, Mama cow is trying to get human daddy to pay child supports. It. It's just not in the budget because I got a I got another wife that I'm married to. It's a mess. It's a mess, and I need to take this cow out. What part of town do you live in? North of the river. I'm gonna needs you to head south of the river. Okay, but I'm gonna need you don't usually go south. Well, look, you're gonna have to go south of the river for this.

You're gonna be a big boy about this. You can be a little boy about this. I'm a man. That wasn't a question. Hey, hey, I gave you. I gave you two options in that question. Are a big boy of a little boy? Don't add a third? Okay, a big boy? You like an adult? Hey, hey, adult was not one of the choices. Here you go. You're a big boy. Now, that's what I want you to do to have big boy. Okay, I want you to take that cow and I want you to a cross to the south side of the river. And once that happens,

let me ask you this. Do you a either love that cow or be are you at waar with that cow? Kind of kind of neither. Honestly, it was a business. I gave you room service open. So he is going on in here, Well, it's just me. I'm just I'm just alone in this room and I don't fit under this bed. Shut up, shut up. Someone else is here, but that's none of my business. It's not your business. Go ahead, and bring in what we ordered. What I ordered.

I'm gonna refill your your lotions and your current cups. Great, okay, and you said you wanted two more waters, right, Oh that's all that is complimentary. I still don't know what you ordered from room service, all right, Yeah I ordered. I ordered some beef. Yeah, I ordered a plate of beef. Okay, and here's your plate of just beef, beef, right, nothing else, no seasoning. Okay, now look at this. I'll look at this. Now, get on the bed. Is our show today. We just

can't take it a step further. I want to, We want to, but at some point, folk, you need to do the work. Okay, we don't. We can't take it from there, but we will. Thank you for being here. Um, Mark Gagliardi, thank you so much, South and North of the River, thank you for having me. It's been a delight uh in a a very fun time. As always, I love playing with you guys. Two podcasts in a week. Uh we had Kevin on. Uh we got this with Mark and Howe. So listen for that coming up very soon.

Listen for that. I had a blast. Thanks man. We uh we debated, we did and uh I think we came up with a pretty solid I think we came to the correct conclusion at the end of it. Yeah, I feel good about that. Well, thank you for that, and this. Dr Craig Ktkowski, thank you as well. Oh a lot of fun, A lot of fun because it's coming up. I probably have said this on the podcast before, but it can never be said too many times that it's daylight saving time and not daylight savings time. Don't

add the why do people add that? S It is strange. Maybe savings accounts, savings accounts, Maybe that's got Yeah, I think you Nelda though it's savings account even though you're just saving money in that account and you're saving daylight a tool saying while we still have you, thank you for being here with us. He's having some technical issues, but we've been giving the thumbs up, so we feel

very good about it. We love our tools. Sing and excited about him uh having joined our live show at the west Side Comedy Theater in early March and Matt hopefully we'll see him again at one of those. James Heeny, did you have fun at the live show at the West Side Comedy Theater. It was incredible? Yeah, it was so much fun to have so many people come home. Oh man, get close hugs. It was wonderful. Uh, and we'll we'll do it again in April. Chris Alvarado, thank

you so much, buddy. Great to see you as always. Thank you boy, what a fun group. I think there are certain things at a certain age you can't change. Yep, Craig, there's no way I'd ever be able to stop myself from saying savings daylight savings. That's just the truth. Now. I said it in my head a couple of times. It feels unnatural to say the other way, the light saving time saving time. I always thought it was daylight saving times. Oh no, thank you for bringing that home, James.

Let's thank our pretty sure and engineer to the stars, Mr Doug Banking. Fine, folks that I hurt Media, I'm your ho's Kevin Pollock. Uh. Letting you know that Joey Grier is just gonna be out for a couple of weeks. We'll be back with us. Just to sort of put the kai bosh on your emails asking for for more or less of Joey. Uh, he will be back soon. And well, thank you so very much for your patronage and your support, and you're watching the show. Write a

review if you would. You've been so kind to send us fresh emails and we've received many and we thank you for them. Um, be kind to each other, take it easy out there, uh and UM think good thoughts for you and yours, and theres until next time, M.