Strangers.

my current TV watching review kacao, What am I currently watching? Um? I've got the n C Double A Tournament on. UM. It looks like Indiana is right now gonna advance. Oh you said current? You said current, I should have said a reason, Mr, Well, last week, would we we record

two episodes? I think I watched. I watched like half of Inventing Anna during the first episode, and uh, and then I finally finished Dune during the second episode, and I jumped in for some in pro You know, I assure you whatever you were able to watch of Inventing Anna in that first episode was all you need to watch. Hey, there's Chris Alvarado model modern man. Fill in this blank please. The first thing I do when I wake up is blank, hug my dog. Now see what had to look in

the mirror. That's my as your correct answer, but walk the dog. Hugged the dog was also, uh, not think of your phone. Not just to start hating yourself, just to start yeah, not because you're faint you look in the mirror. Yeah yeah, I mean, don't get me wrong.

There are those mornings when you're brushing your teeth and you just look at the mirror and you go, yeah, yeah, I'll be I'll be frightened off often in that moment with the old funk that's looking back at me through the mirror because I'm still looking out of like forty one year old eyes. Look out, it's James Haney, Jack, Jimmy. What's your third favorite thing to do in Chicago? No,

we don't have James. Oh no, no, no, no, no no, I'm thinking it's just the third Okay, oh god, I guess it's just simply to take public transit in Chicago, like take the L. I miss it so much. Uh, And it's the destinations I end up after taking the L are better than taking the L. But the excitement of being on the L is great. Uh, it's all above ground the L not all of it, but the best parts of it. Okay, so you feel like you're on the monorail somehow, but like a really like a

steampunk monorail. I know there's still robberies, probably I haven't been on in years. I don't mean muggings. I mean like from the oh. I don't think they're I think they've gotten I think they've taken care of that kind of properties. It's all internal now internal crime. Fair enough, and now please welcome back Caroline Cutter looking for Mr Goodpoop. What is your favorite location to visit in this country? Well, no offense, not to yuck anyone's young, but it's certainly

not the L train in Chicago. If I had to pick a location in like a city like Chicago. Um, but I'm just saying that randomly. Um, what's my favorite location to visit? I don't know. I remember one time, UM, I like some family in um uh, Montana. And one time when I was young, I caught a bunch of toads and put him in a bucket and that was fun for me. And I want to get back to that kind of energy. Oh I can dig that. Yeah, sorry about the last thirty years and last but guess

for you if you think him least, it's Mr Mark Gagliari. Hello, dr G. What's your favorite attraction at any amusement park? Uh? There was a ride uh at Frogs in a Bucket? Uh is my favorite carnival game? Uh? My favorite ride is called the Blazing Fury at Dollywood. U say, I don't know if it's there anymore, but imagine Uh no, no, no no, not the Blazing Fury, sorry, the Flooded Mine. And they were kind of sister rides. One that there's

ant look fire and water Man opposites. They're both indoor dark rides all uh, kind of a Jankee version of Pirates of the Caribbean. One of them is this whole southern town is on fire, and the other one is, hey, this mine is flooded where this prison is all of us prisoners should try to escape. Um. But some of the some of the animatronics don't work, like there's uh there at one point there's just feet sticking up out of water and you're like, what is happening there? Like

it's it's the long ago. Did you go to Dollywood last time? I was in Dollywood I think six years ago last time. So it's something you've been several times. When I was a kid, I was a I was a pass holder for five years. I grew up in East Tennessee. Man, it's what you do. You're a kid in East Tennessee. You go to Dollywood because she is a national, international treasure. And if anyone says anything, Oliver, I'll kill them. She's a global treasure. Um. Yeah, and

Jamie's wanted to go to to Dollywood. Oh, you guys should go. Yeah, for ten years she's been talking about it. Well, thank you for that. Let's do it, am show all of our scene suggestions, gather from your listener emails or our patron v I p s uh to become a patron support of the show, where you will enjoy exclusive content like standalone bonus scenes, video recordings of what we're doing right now, and all of our zoom sessions since Sweet Sweet PANDEMI um and at the highest level of Alcomniac.

Of course, you can join us in one of these zooms as our own Nicholas Mahauer. Anyone else want to guess how to say mark our Nicholas mcgever uh is currently making his children dinner and watching us from Munich, Germany in your face. Uh. All you have to do is head on over to patron dot com slash alchemy this if you'd like to become a supporter, and we thank you if you want to remain emailing us your scenes suggested, because again, when you're on Patron you get priority.

That's right, you're scene suggestions slip in the queue at the top. Um, if you wanted scene suggests from the bottom. Who doesn't write to us at this email at gmail dot com that's talking to this email one patron alcomniac Kevin P who wrote, Hello, funny people, I have a scene suggestion strangers, good luck. I'm sorry this is a line I understand because you walked. You stepped in front of me. The line is starts behind me. Hi, UM, I am just sorry? Can you not touch me? Can

you not for me? Out of the cute couple? I don't you do have at off by one get one? Uh? Does that have anything to do with being in a couple because you mentioned it right afterwards? So I just it's you guys are so cute. You guys are so cute. They didn't get a picture at the end of the ride. Baby, maybe we should um take this man up on this by one get one fift since we're both here to get a phone anyway. Yes, you're right, we're both here to get a phone, and there is a ride at

the phone rising store. I look another satisfied cut. They're going to get a picture at the end. I have to be Can I talk to you for a second? And this is not gonna jeopardize my place in line, right, Chad? You two are my top priority. Go ahead, step aside. Okay, there's okay, Sorry, So there's something weird about that guy, first of all, but also I am not attracted to you. I don't like I'm not going to exchange any sexual favors for this. But I love a good deal, so

that's why I'm kind of willing to do this. So I meant for this. Okay, we just hold hands as we walk up? Absolutely not. Why would we have to do that? He already thinks around a couple, don't We're not going to How about names? How about names? Exchange names? Okay, but I'm gonna make one up, because I don't want you to know anything about who I actually am. Um, my name is cell phone. What's your name, Charles? Is

that your real name? Yeah? Okay, okay, great, Well let's get these Let's get the Bible and get he said bio and get one free or holy ship Charles. Hey, hey man, how's it going? Whoa, you're already in line. You're already in line. We're right at the back. Oh man, Yeah, how'd you get up front like this? You must have been here for a while, just got here part of me? Um, this is I We don't have a threesome thing. It's just I'm so. This is just a friend of us.

We went to Harvard together and he graduated top of the class, and now he's very rich and famous and I'm at the back of the line. That's how rich in famous time. Um, but but sorry to interrupt chat, but I just want to say, hold on a second, or a cute couple like you too, I'd be willing to fudge some rules three the family plan. Oh who doesn't like a good family? Are you? Then you could just come up to the front of the line. Here you can get a picture at the end of the line.

Is this your goal line? It's just that you know he's gotten everything he's always wanted, and I know he's told me to hold on a second, so you could tell us what your big idea is. But my big idea is this is to let him know that even though he's got everything and I've got I don't have much. I have her. Okay, first of all, I am not let me be clear, I'm not like a possession to be owned. He doesn't have me. I'm a stranger. We're doing this for the deal. Um. Wow, this is really

good for you, this thing called life. Yeah, I'm gonna go to the back of the line. Charlie, did you get me my android? Then come into your mother's room, Charlie, don't love her in the doorway, Charlie. Get in here, Ma, Dad, Hi, yep, got to you your cell phone? I charged that turns it on? I Um, is this a refurbished Android? No, months, it's the newest one. I wanted a refurbished what why would she need the newest one. It's not that much different that I met someone. What her name is? Cell Phone?

You our our boy, Dolores, our boy finally met a girl. I thought you would meet a girl at Harvard after we spent after your father worked night and day to put you through the best school in the country. Now now he's a late bloomer. It happened. Happens A sit in bed with us, Charlie right in the middle, crawling out there a well, Mom, she's beautiful, and uh is she a person or a cell phone? She's a person. She's a person now, Dad, Dad, She she doesn't want

anything to do with me. Why didn't you tell your mother the nice things about her and tell me the terrible things? Ever since you were little, you always told your mother the nice things that happened to you, and you always come to me with problems. She's beautiful, she doesn't want me. You want some of these bugles. Don't get crumbs in the bed. Did you get a picture of you and your girlfriend on the Verizon ride? Yes? Actually yes, And that's the only I have to find her, mom,

I have to find her. Dad. This is gonna be a lot of traffic out there today. Why are you talking about romantic comedy moments and trying to find her with your mother? And I get the traffic report, That's what I get, is the you're getting crumbs in the bed. Why do I get the traffic report, Dolores, do something about this. Don't eat all the bugles Herbert's. That's that's our meal for today, the bed. Because your father broke his back working hard to put you through Harvard, that's right, idea.

He's a late bloomer. Don't give him so much grief about cell phone. Oh, Chad, hi, Chad, remember me, I was here the other day. Yeah, I remember you. Hey, Um, I just want to say I took the survey online and I gave you all tens because I thought you were so great to work with. It's really nice. That girlier with she she reported me. I got in trouble. She said that I broke the rules and put you guys up with the deal. Well, why don't we Why don't you give me her information and I'll get her back.

It's in the computer, i'd have to Well, actually it's actually on right now. Yeah, I'm sorry. So you you allowed two people in the front of the line to add a third and then they decided not to, but you still didn't even check to see if these two people were a couple, and you gave them It was just the third person that wasn't. I didn't realize they

weren't a couple. The third person wasn't part of the family, right. Well, the female of the two reported you to the front office with a complaint, even though you did them a solid. Somehow she found it in her rights to bring down well hell fire, which is what this is. But you would never write me up for that, right, I've done more than write you up. What you're now an assistant manager? Yep, you're going to be working here for a long time. Cell boned, cell boned part of me. I know someone

who lives here. Are you? Where are you yelling? Cell phone? Well, she gave me a fake name. I think she's being cute and like hard to get and what what flourish you? She's three, she's she's in an apartment three or six. Marcy, you know, tell me all about her. I want to know anything about her. You know Marcy, you know her, Marcy, Marcy. She's living the building for like nine months. Oh so she's like fairly new to the area. Seems nice. Um. Sometimes she gets in real late and like turns up

her music loud. Oh a party animal. I mean, there's like there's a fair amount of dudes that that visit her. I don't know, I don't, I don't, Charlie, Charlie, I am so glad I caught you. You've got to abandon this mission. I just got promoted to assistant manager. I'm gonna be there for a long time if you if if she's already raised hell for what I've done, this is gonna this is gonna be bad. Okay, And I

just learned her name. What's your name, by the way, sir, my name Kurt, Kurt, Kurt with a K Kirk, Kirk. This is Chad. Kurt is in front, said Kirk with the K like as in, okay, you it's not important. Look, Kurt, what are you guys all doing out here? So it's okay, I'm Kurt. Just if you ever want to come by my rooms three oh six, so any time after two am two am would be perfect. Okay, Okay, what are you doing? And what how did you find where I live? In?

My name? And Chad, what are you doing here? And it looks like you have a new uniform on. Well, this is what they call the boss uniform. Marcy Marci is here. Oh, I have to go fund this person. I'm so sorry. Oh my god, Mom, Guess who I found outside? Guess who I found outside of the woman's place that I love? Dad was there? Dad was there? What this? I got up this morning and he wasn't in the beard. I he must have gone somewhere, and that's seen one. I just needed another hour to fix this.

You did have a need to fix it, didn't you? Always? Always? Yeah, yeah, sure, I can take it. Yeah seem too. Comes from listener Atlas, who wrote, Hello keV Maister and the Gang. It is the Swede Atlas here, I am truly a man. There was some confusion about that last time a few years ago. Well it's nice to know you let it go anyway. My suggestion as a man is trying to find the love of his life but always picks really bad locations

when dating. Kind regards or whatever you say when ending an email nowadays, By ah, so this is a Denny's. I hope you are comfortable here. I mean they have a very diverse menu. What are you in the mood for? I can pretty much promise you they have a lackluster version of it. Um, Honestly, I was thinking candlelight. Okay, Well, did you bring any candles. No, I I honest, I didn't know I was gonna need to bring my own candles. I was thinking, you know, like called being proactive. But

if you want to point fingers, that's fun. I'm okay, I'm okay, but that well, it's not really pointing fingers. Is there is there somewhere around here, maybe a little more romantic, that's less lit by fluorescence. Folks walking to Denny's start off with bucket of toads. All those are good if you haven't had a bucket of toes. Let me just say we start there. Oh it's like French like prog legs or yeah, I'll have a bucket of toads. I guess. Hey, hey, Randall, is that right? Is that

your name Randall? Yeah? Randall? You don't need to fix this, Okay, just let the man and trust me. Bring a bucket to see. That's I don't know if I do though, six, nine or twelve toads. Let's start out with twelve and see where we go. That's the maximum. I'm sorry, I I don't. You're unbelievably fast. Can I just say that the way your mind works? He gave us three numbers and you instantly pinpointed which one was the lodges? Could could you not tell the twelve? Are you and counting? Hi?

Randall Um, Hi Max Max. So this is interesting, starting at a starting at a cemetery that seems spooky but fun. Yeah. I mean I I the last guy that I went out with it was it was a little too fluorescent lit for me. So I thought I thought that, you know, maybe we'd do something a little moonlight. You know, this is nice. Yeah, anyway, this one's my ancestors. I mean it's there, like specifically their crypt, the whole crypt. You know, you knew that this is like your thing, like your

family thing. Yeah, well, come on, silly. I mean I told you I moved fast. I wanted to meet my family. That's funny. That's funny. I don't know, it just doesn't seem as romantic anymore. Here, hold this candle. Hold this candle, I carry him with me. Now I'll hold this one and I'll stand on the opposite end. Okay, okay, I'll stand on this end of the crypt. Okay. Now look on the bottom of the candle and just read what it says ou tomo Asa. Oh oh my god. So

this is my family from us. This happens all the time. He was cute. I know he was cute. They're all cute. But I bring him to you, and it's like, I just don't know what to do. Do you think it's my top? I mean it's really only half a top. No, well use me. Look that might have that might have thrown them off a little. You try being buried and having little creatures and rats and other stuff caught a trump away and your clothes. Yeah, I guess it will happen one day. I just can't wait for that day

to be there with all of you. You must beat Randal. Yeah, yeah, you you must be sore. I am sore. I am sore. You're you're very strong. Thank you. Um, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to derail this particular train we were on. No, no, it's just very crowded on the train. Uh you know this is Uh? Are we just gonna are we just gonna go around? The nine am on the l seemed like a terrible idea to freeze, fucking freeze, Give me your money, give me your wallets, Jesus,

oh god, oh god, it's an old timmy. It's an old time to hold up. It's a it's a bandit. I didn't know the bandit still existed. Just put it inside this big bag with the money sign on it. Reach for the sky, Tommy, Sorry you free that's a new one by me. Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You heard him reach for the Yeah, I was reaching. I'm reaching. Here's my wallet. Actually, do you want to get out of Wabash. I need to get off at Wabash. But put your ballet into it talking to you. I

was talking to my date. Yes, let's get off at Wabash. Wait, get you left your partner on the train, Tommy, What the hell? He just got off right there? Sorry, folks, I'll be mosing on to the next car. Do you think I did good over there with the exception of the freeze thing? Well, you back when we were on the train, Okay, I gotta be completely honest. My mind is I got scared, and when I get that scared, I lose track of work. Voice said, wabosh, and you

jumped off the train. Tommy, that I got it. Then I got back in the other doors because they didn't. But I thought the other couple split up, left partner I guess I wonder how that must have gone. Well, Thank goodness, we made it out. Oh jeez, it's one

of the robbers. I'm getting back on. Ye. I mean, there must be an alternate version of this life where we both got off the train together, and then there's probably another version where you got off with one of the robbers and I stayed on the train with another of the robbers. And it's just interesting, like the different divergent paths that that's why you have to see a couple's therapists to kind of talk about this. It's a multi verse all day long. It's all they want to

talk about is our personal multiverse. The Randall and hansa verse. Kind of catchy, but that makes you mad. The idea of multi versus makes you mad. It's not the idea of multi verses. It's about the idea that the life that we're living together isn't the best life that we could possibly have. Sure again that there are other lives that are better. I understand, and I just want to keep in mind, um your request you made at the start of this couple's counseling session, which you said, although

it's a couple's counseling session. I also want this to be a romantic date, so I'm trying to honor that UM as best I can. Well, thank you, thank you. Luckily I know now to bring my own candles and cloth and waiter. Yes, um. And they've all signed NBA. So anything you say here, UM, they cannot share it with you. So think about what you want for appetize with anything we say, they can't share with us. I'm sorry, I can't share that with you. Hey, Look, I'm sorry.

Look I served you guys the cheese, right, I did a good job with that. I gave you guys the chicken. I just can't talk about what I heard in there with you. But I I just wanted to recap what we talked about. I mean, haunts. You don't remember in any of anything we talked about. I don't remember any of the things we talked about. So we thought maybe you could help us, and maybe there's a version of this life where God chicken and God damn it, and

then everything diverged from there. Look, I'm just waiting for the brown line, brown line like everybody else. Okay, that's that's it. I'm actually had an old town. Oh yeah's familiar. Yeah, yeah, we also live in Chicago. Okay, go oh yeah, you'll talk about anything else, hey, Chris, or did you make any friends on the L platform today? I know that's where you're going to try to meet some new people.

Yes and no? Okay, Okay, Like I met people, but then it was one of those scenarios where I ended up working for them and then I had to send an NDA where I couldn't discuss the things we talked about. And yeah, so it's like where do we go from there? You know? Yeah, I think you should try to meet people and like not be a freak about it, you know what I mean. I think the way you are approaching people just hon at sub excuse me, L platform is very um it's kind of jarring. You know. You

would say that because you take the Red Line to Belmont. Yeah, and I love taking the Red Line to Belmont. I I honestly prefer it to living in this apartment. If I could stay on the Red Line to Belmont every day seven, then I would I think my life problems would be solved. Yeah, well, um they're not. So anyway, back to us being roommates, you know, we could we could cross that we could, we could, you know, we could go somewhere from being roommates. There's two, there's two,

there's other levels. There's a real friendship. I think it's right above roommate day you want to look into Okay, okay, great, Um, I'm gonna go back into my room. Thanks for telling me about your day. One last thing one listening. But the two people I didn't meet, the archemy here for a day tonight. What okay, whatever, Just don't don't knock on my door. Don't like get me involved. As long as they don't use the router is in your room,

So if you can make sure it's like by the door. Yeah, I'll make sure the routers by the door and bumping. As for your request, it's Randall and Hans. Hi. Hey, hi guys. Hi. It's a great place you have. What a nice place? Yeah? For two? Yes? So do you guys come to Wrigleyville often? Um, you know, every now and again. I wish I came more. I mean I wish I was on the red line to Belmont all the time. But you know it's not every day. Oh. I think that's a euphemism for having your period. Oh

that is seen to month month. Scene three comes to us from Patreon Michael A, who wrote, I gotta say we all learn a lot about you all when there's a guest host. I think this is the third time Chris has hosted, not on that, but every time he does, he goes deep. Plus he trails off and reminiscence. Just fun to see where his mind goes. Would love to see Carla come back for a few episodes. Got another scene suggestion considering the last one you all knocked out

of the park with Joey's Pirates story. The suggestion is all the ship keeps falling apart. That's it. Love you all, Michael in Joshua Tree. Did you get the year four palets loaded yet? Uh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got the it's loaded because I got six more that I need loaded. So all right, we'll get the six loaded. Look, how for many palets you have? That's how many we'll get loaded. That's well, this is what I would be told about you. It didn't matter how many palets I need loaded, You're

going to load them. It's written faster. It's written on the side of the truck. It's written on the side of the truck while you gotta get out of town so fast. Are you asking me to look at your truck? Yeah, so I could see what's written on the side. I'm just pointing out that it's written on the side of the truck we loaded, the one that says we load as many palets as you want. Okay, I see we load as many bags as you want. That's not yours, that's not us. We load as many nail guns as

you want. That's definitely not ours, not yours. No, no, no. But behind it's behind that the then there's then there's the smoothie truck. Then there's a right. Can I take your word and would just move forward? Yeah? I mean it's you're you're dymes all on your time, terrific. So six more pallets, six more pallets? All right? Answer my question, though it's just out of curiosity. I'm just being friendly while you gotta get out of town so fast. I

have things pressing. If you need me to be more general, I could, Yeah, more general than that would be nice. I have thoughts in my head. Okay, Okay, you know I have thoughts in my head sometimes too. You want to share three? Sure, I don't know why, butter is always so hard. Then back to one. Yeah, oh, you only want one more. That was only one of the thoughts. The butter one jumped. I jumped to two in the list of three. I don't know because the butter one

was the third most important. Number one is definitely thinking about pallets. Pallets. Wow, you're good. Oh man, I don't even need to know what number two is. How about that? Are you fish talking to me? Yeah? Hyah, No, no no, no, no no, I hold that box. Okay, hold that box. I need to look inside that box before I loaded into this truck. Okay. I will load as many nail guns as you want, unlimited, but I will not put anything in here that I don't know what is going

in there. You understand. Yeah, but these are nail guns. I mean all those other boxes had nail guns. This one has nail guns in it. Just put it in there. Why is it a different color? Is it? I couldn't. I didn't. I guess maybe you know my uncle's color blind. He get those glasses. You know, we did one of those YouTube videos and when viral is fuck. I have no idea what you're talking about. Let's just put this

one into it. So imagine, imagine all of a sudden, I get you glasses right, and you start seeing the world the way we all see it. But for you, it's a whole new It's like it's like technicolor for you. You know what I mean? What what say? If what if somebody lied about being colored bying and they put those glasses on it? No different, dangerous, no difference. Oh my god, sorry missing me and my friends couldn't help. But notice you're the guy whose uncle is color blind.

It was in that viral video, right, love that video. We can quote it. We quote it all the time. You go, oh my god, I love faking this. These are colors. You're telling me that's red. Yeah, he goes, Oh my god, I'm not faking this. And he goes, he goes, you're telling me that's red. Yeah, Hey, sound just like him. Sounds like why don't you put this poo? She put this box and the guns on the truck? Then I love I look up that video. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, look it up. Look it up, look it up. You

should look it up. Anyway, we're gonna go. We're not supposed to spend too much time with adults. Wait wait wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, did you know? Did you know that that was my first time ever shooting a video? Yeah, it was. Your hand was really shaky. Yeah, that was how amateurish it was, because that was the kid I was trying to I was going to recreate it and do another viral video. But it's hard. It's harder to do this. Oh man, good luck going viral again.

Huh you kids ever go viral? Yeah? Yeah, we've got like one point three million followers. Yeah, that's on that's on TikTok though, on Instagram we got like twenty million. Oh. We mostly do like food reviews and excuse me, excuse me, I'm sorry I was. I was loading pallets over here. You are you those two kids who who do food reviews and watch other people's videos and then uh and then hit him up on the streets for money. Yeah. Yeah, wow, I'm a big fan of you guys. Big thing, guys.

I just loading pallets over here. It's always funny how you guys do that. You find someone out of Bible video, take all their money, and then just avoid the state you've left some of those people in. Holy moly, we're gonna need you to sign an NDA by the way because we've been filming all of this. Oh okay, I'm not gonna tell you guys about anything back over at my palates. All right, well we have to go. We kind of got um. Thank you so much. Nice meeting you, guys,

nice meetings. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Good luck with everything. Yeah, thanks, thanks? How about those kids? Huh? Okay you too. Sweeth Hot Food review of the Pizza Cupcake Take three, four, five six Pizza Cupcake more like a cupcake man, pizza. Oh, it was so good like you to cramp on that pizza flavoring into one cupcake sized bit, brush it in your face. It's so good. It burned my tongue so bad my mom had to

rush me to the emergency room. And they said that they were going to cut out my whole tongue and replace it with a new one. But then they didn't. They didn't. That would have been cool though. Well, Mrs Jenkins, we have two options. We can cut out your daughter's tongue or or not. Oh my right, So really it's up to you. I personally would recommend cutting out the tongue. Well, let's think about it. Cutting out decision. But the other option. So what would be the after effects of either of these?

If you cut out her tongues, you won't have a tongue anymore. Um, but let's think. Let's let's walk that one through. No tongue means no, means no sass, no sas nos zero sass back goorf front. But leaving her tongue in her head, does she do anything with a tongue to make a living? I certainly hope not. It's like make videos with twenty million views? Oh oh gosh, well yeh did you think man? Hey, hey you you hey. I opened that box you gave me earlier. Found this

little kid in there yours? Oh that that's probably a different box. There's no this is hey kid. Do you know this guy? I mean he put me in the box. All right, so I got I got really a neutral looking face. I mean it's a lot of people are like, oh, I think I know you're from somewhere, and like so many of those nail guns for you. Okay, I took him all over the city, all right. Everyone was happy with the ship man's this one box ago? Where does

this go? Where does this go? There's no there's no label. I opened it. This young man pops out and he says, he says, he says, where am I? And I'm like, I don't know. You don't know where you are? He probably knows now. I brought him back the front. I let him sit in the front and the way back. I'm not a mon. Shouldn't have done that. You should have done that is dangerously some secret agent who knows how to kill people and stuff. That's exactly what it is.

But you gotta be careful as long as you don't say the wrong trigger word. He's got a certain word that they've been planted in his head and he becomes like weapon X. This little guy comes up weapon X. Yeah, even I don't know what the trigger word is. I hear it starts, what are you trying to do here? Stopt? I want to see this kid turn into a weapon X. Fiona Fiona apples and Fiona Apple. Oh god, I'll miss Fiona Apple. It's it is surprisingly a very rare word

to use, so you're probably not gonna say it. I bet I know it. It's five letters though, he's five letters. How did you know that he's been working on it? That's four letters. Don't do anymore any more? Loved. No, al right, Okay, you got the first letter in the wrong place. You've got the fourth letter in the right place. You stop it ships first, Um, have you read the book by about where Grover says there's a monster at the end of this book. Yeah, well there's a half

ending there. There's not a happy ending here when he turns into weapon X blood. Yeah, I'm gonna kill both of you, probably me too, Yeah, both of us. Do you know the word me? Of course? I was told so that I never say it whispered to me. I really shouldn't because if I do whisper to you, I know what you're gonna do with the word. I don't want to die. I got things to live for. I again that ease in fourth place. And there's an L somewhere. Yeah, I'm genuinely working on this. I believe you are at

this point. I don't think you know the word you could? Yeah, well, what are the clues? Give me the clues? Give me one set Mark? Hey, Mark, it's me. Yeah, I used to I used to live next to you. Yeah. Yeah, hey, good to see you. Quick question man, quick? Yeah, what is it? Pal? A five letter word? Uh? Fourth letters? Has is the E. And there's an El somewhere in there. You've got something for me, Yeah, Bagel b A Holy shit? Yeah, Man, Mark God, who's this kid coming through my window? Die?

It was worth it? Mark? Hi, I'm sorry. I have a complaint. Someone activated my son using a very rare word. Okay, and what would you? Uh so let's start with that. The complaint is what the complaint? Mr? What? I don't know what your job here is at the c I A. But thank you for finally returning my emails and my phone calls in my text But you must know my son Malcolm. Oh yes, we're quite aware of that. He's done.

He has killed because of you. Half of his brain has been reprogrammed to be a killing machine when the trigger word is said. We can't deny or confirm that we are involved in any way with your son's killing spreezing that are connected to a word that we implanted in his head. There's a manual that was delivered with my son after he came back from camp and it said your name from the CIA signed. So that is

a confirmation part of me, ma'am. We just want to let you know we just replaced Malcolm's tongue with a cybertronic tongue. Okay, thank god, because my son makes his money with that tongue. And wait, what what are you thinking of? I'm folks, it's going to be just a few minutes. Looks like the Verizon ride has broken down. But in the meantime, please enjoy a complementary bagel. Well, they just dropped these things from the ceiling. That's kind

of yeah, weird that they just had those up there. Yeah. I I do believe in that thing where it's like you can only get a good bagel in New Jersey or Oh my god, I'm so sorry, what is happening? This is freaking that I cell phone? Why is he calling you? Marcy? I don't know. I don't know this guy. Um Derek Um, but yeah, I'm cell phone, that's my name. And let's just enjoy these bagels. Just enjoy these dry

bagels in peace. Okay. It's like obsessed with me. I mean, he's running along the track to this rod that seems really unsafe. I know, hopefully he'll get hurt along the way. That's the best we can hope for. What was that someone saying? I think I think I missed that part is a part of the ride. I don't know it's I think it's from the room behind. Oh man, thank you everyone for me is here today. Now it turns out um Our Young Malcolm has malfunctioned after he replaced

his tongue with a cybertronic tongue. He activates to the word bagel. Well, in fairness, he has to be in the location where the trigger words that the word bagel has said. Otherwise Einstein's would be out of business by now because it would be a blood path anytime within five miles of a single location. Well, this would be helpful information to have had earlier. Well, it's all in the manual signed by the c i A. Moving on to the second issue of the day. Five letter word. Okay,

m hmm, I need help with it. Just any five letter word. You have any clues or anything anywhere with five? Because I thought love and I'm trying to put love every which way is four letters. That's my issue. That's my issues. So I'm looking for one with five to clarify. Your issue is that you can't count? That's probably one of them. Sure, Okay, what about um Solve? It has those letters from love in it? Oh that's good. Damage, she's good. Wait do you guys hear that the room

shaking a word for another? I feel it, I don't hear it. Oh no, well no, a murder reactivated kool aid you all did, so thank you for returning the kool Aid Man costume. You had seventy two hours on the checkout and it's now been nineties six, So there's an extra day charge of seven dollars. How would you like to hey that? Oh? Well, I see, I'm I don't have any extra money I was counting on. I guess I thought daylight savings time was gonna it's saving? Is that blood on the cost No? No No, no, this

is okay. So you you parted koolaid on the kool Aid costume. Huh? Why don't you just try running the card I gave you a second time and see if it comes through. Maybe that'll work. Sure, just give me the card and I'll running again. Oh you need the physical car. You can't just pull it up from what I paid before. Lick it, lick your costume if you think it's no way it? Well, I'm not licking it, honey. Can you not what I'm trying to? Maybe you should make him get babel it's cool and he would want

to lick it. If it's blood, he wouldn't want to lick it. I'm so good at business. Just let me be allergic to cool aid, otherwise I would my lover would appreciate it. If you could just lick the costume, please, so we can all confirm that it is in fact cool. A part of me. I'm his agent. Uh. He makes his living with his tongue. He doesn't just use it wherever he wants to. So card again please, yeah, would you lick it, sir, because we just need confirmation that

it's that it's cool because it looks like blood. You take a look at it. Okay, all right, now you're assuring me this is cool it right? Can I talk to you privately, like a little further away from them, boy, that doesn't raise suspicions. Yeah, go ahead, you two go over there and talk. It's blood. I uh my trigger word was said that this ship keeps falling apart with

you man, Just it's just lick it. It's just blood, all right, fine, fine, fine, fine, okay, Well we were able to determine that I will lick it because it is in fact kool aid. Okay, great, there we go. Here we go. So I am looking to hire a hit man. Can you tell me a little bit about the last job that you did? Well? Uh uh, I can't really because I signed a lot of sure, sure, but in generalities, well, let's just say I made a hell of an entrance and it was quite a splash. Okay, listen,

like you crashed through the wall like the kool Aid man. Well, I can't say it because of the N d A. But I wouldn't lick my costume. That's for damn sure. Um, So you had a costume and was this and I used my tongue to make money. If you're interested, okay, we are. We are interviewing a number of people today. Well, well hold on, let me step in. I'm his agent. Here, I'm his agent. Look, I'm telling you here, this is the one you want to go with. Okay. You need

people dead, they're dead. You need people missing, they're gone. I mean, this guy doesn't does it all? Okay, we don't provide We don't provide costumes, by the way, you'd you'd be on your own for that. You know. We get a mom and pop shop, we get we get all our costumes from okay, okay, we will we will reimburse up to on costume rentals. Very nice, very nice, very nice. And will there be a plus ten percent

for agent V? That's not standard? No, I know, but I'm just saying, since you get right, there's scale and then there's this is scale. This is Hitman scale. Although although you ever find sometimes agents still take which is weird, right, noticed that it's like it's like it's ten percent, like, oh no, of the whole thing. Yeah, well, do you have any questions for me? Is that your truck out front,

the one that says, uh delivers all all the smooth them. No, no, mine is the one that says, uh delivers all the ruffies. Oh we it's fish orange ruffie. You know I've got a fish delivery business. I'm bad at reading, so I thought that was something completely different. Oh what did you think it was? I don't want to say something burst right. Well, it's just spelled very similar to a drug. I didn't all you said it. I didn't say it. Oh god,

oh god, I never thought about that anyway. That brings me who I want to kill, which is my my partner in the fish delivery business. Oh and so I was thinking that you'd wear a fish costume and then we'd issue you a trigger word that whenever it said, the fish would crash through the wall. And so I not only do I want him dead, I want him to think that a giant fish is getting a venge against him and his in his last moments alive. Let's

crown on my thing. I doubt you'd find someone, all right, Turtling, you can pick one, either one goldfish or turtle. It's up to you. Um um, oh, I don't know. Um, I'll do a goldfish. Okay, let's ask this gentleman for help. Hi. Hello, gold fish for the little lady? Is that what I heard? All right? Let me get my stick, pull it down here and it's a little batt You have water. Here's your gold fish, young lady. Take good what I was trying to give you. Oh no, how are we ever

solved this problem? I want that my mom, I want that one. I don't think that's possible. Can we buy this one? Which one? I'm sorry, I'm a little distracted by the chill. I'm sorry. Apparently the fish costume made it so it was impossible to kill. They got away and he said the trigger words stick five letters, like I busted through the wall. They were just more disappointed at me and wanted a different goldfish. Did at least scare the ship out of him? Not even a bit,

not even a bit. Okay, well we are still requires No, we're not doing that. We're not good, try though, good try Okay, Well what did we say? Yeah, you're still gonna pay me? Oh, I was really coming in here for a big disappointment. Thank you. No, no, I'll pay you the one twinnie. And how much was the fish costume? It was? It was like it was. It was a little more than cover. So that's two fifty for the

But here's the problems. I'm still losing. So you know you could rent the fish custom right, you don't need to buy it. I mean, if you buy it, it's five But if you rent it, it's twenty four dollars a day. But when I brought the coolid customer, you charged me a lot. Well because it was covered in blood. But listen, if you right, so, uh, you wanna purchase because we've only got one fish costume. It's pretty popular, so we don't like to sell it. That's why it's

so crazy expensive. I got a deal where I'm gonna have somebody else pay for half of it, so it's kind of like, you know, worth it for me, honey, what every fucking day? You know, it's the same thing I want to watch. I want to watch this man click the fish costume. You're never gonna find someone who's making a living with their tongue. It's just never gonna happen. I want to watch this man lick the fish costume with this. If you do do issues asked, I'm knock, yeah,

will you still make the receipt for five? And that is our show? He gets a deal and screws a partner. All right, let's thank all of our alchemists please, starting with Mr Chris Alvarado. Chris, boy, this is fun, I gotta say. James said, can you run that card again? And and and I was. I was instantly sent back to just this morning at a nine am haircut appointment, very early for a haircut appointment. First time I've ever

gone to this person. Um, I had an idea of how much it was gonna be based on the website. When we're all done, he says, I can take your card to do right here. Oh, very nice MC cash as you do. Came home. It's a long story. But then my wife and I go out to walk the dog and you want to talk about the haircut and how was the Oh nice guy is how much was it? I go, it's this much. She says, oh, okay, that's a little price. It's okay. Then I go, oh, yeah, he sent me the receipt much more. Well, you know

what I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say, Okay, can I just say, is it weird to say? I need to sit all the way down? So I thought I was. I thought I was paying sixty five for a haircut, which is like, okay, that's that's pricey. But what you can you get what you pay for. You're going to a good place. I'm going to good place. The haircut was ninety No, no, no, that's not right. Maybe because it was nine am. I started thinking it's good that I tipped him heavy on thet because that would have

been a week cash tip on the nineties. Can I can I say one thing about the oddness of the nine am haircut? Yes? That time? Um, this morning, before we started, I reached out to our haircut fella and asked h if he could take me anytime this week, and he wrote, Wow, that's crazy. I'm saying it's a little crazy. It's crazy enough. And thank you Chris, thank you, James Zeeney, thank you, thank you. Well. I'm just so, I mean, the coincidences in the world really strike me.

And I've never been able my my hair cut places an open till ten. I could bang on the doors all I want, couldn't get it. Maybe if you maybe if you licked the door. Um. Anything you'd like our listeners and or viewers to know about, well, I would like to remind them that on April, uh third, I believe it's what it is. Maybe it's there's a show in April at the west Side Comedy Theater And if you go to west Side Comedy dot com it's listed on their calendar. It's I think the it might be

the ten. It's the third. Wow, it's coming up so soon. Yeah, so come out and see a show. It's at eight p m. Come and see Alchemy just live on stage. Excellent plug. Caroline Cotter, thank you so damn much. Yeah, thanks for having me, always a pleasure, and um, thank you for performing at the last Alchemy this live show. Yeah, it was pretty wild. I would say things got pretty left up. I don't like to curse, but it was

a little bit different. So so there's a ringing endorsement if ever I heard one, And thank you for participating in that, in this and in those. Mark Gagliardi, Yes, hi, thank you, thank you, Thank you so much, buddy, oh Man, I always love to come and play. I also got to play at that, like the really weird Dark Alchemy this last live show we had. We probably shouldn't talk about really anything that happened that night. I heard the

term freaky deeky for the first time. Yea, if they come to the April show right, here's helping fingers crossed as well. Thanks for having me, sure man, Craig Atkowski, Yeah, I should say that. I ran into Jackie Gonzalez do Ruthie in the Wild recently and I said, Hey, did you do that live Alchemy show? And she said no, did you uh, which if the answer was yes, I wouldn't have been asking if you were if you were in it. Also, I pulled up a recent haircut haircut

appointment of my own. Can we see this? Nine? Am? I what else? Would you go? You go right when they get your haircut done, and then you're done for the day. Like James might never be able to speak again. We've we've blown his bacon. Let's thank your engineering producers to the stars. Mr dubeam find folks, did I hurt media? I'm you host Kevin pokerminding you to please be kind of each other. Thanks for supporting the show and watching

and telling everyone you've ever met. Until next time, it shan be a football.