Post-Apocalyptic Home Owners Association

my colleagues, my artistic brethren. Let's say hello to them in no particular order. Let's start with Jackie to Ruthie. Hi, Jackie, boy, you and you and I are friends, which is nice. It's nice to say that, say these are my friends and you are my actual friend. Jackie. Here's something I don't know about you, though. Do you talk to people in line at the grocery store CVS type stuffy? Like?

Will you you engage? I'll talked about any buddy, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, I'll tell people I like their outfit, you know, I like to connect. And then like when you're walking your dog, do do you wave to people in the street or say hi to people in the street. I'll certainly smile, I'll certainly say hi, yeah. And if they have a dog too, we're talking like a day. In fact, there is a man who walks who I've

I've actually only seen him like a few times. It was like, you know, pretty consistent that I every time when I would take or Zo to like go pee at this certain hour, he'd be walking his dog who was like this very sweet husky named Cora. And Cora was just like very sweet and like very nice to oor Zoe and whatever, and so we'd like not even chat. I just knew that the dog's name was Cora. But

then I hadn't seen them in a while. And then I was at the park that I go to with the dog and Cora came in and I was like, Cora. I was also wearing sunglasses, a baseball cap, and I was wearing a mask at the time because I had like the sniffles, and I was like, I'm negative, but I don't know, guys, I'm just like I'm not giving anyone whatever. We're outside, I have a mask on, so I'm completely camouflaged, and I'm like Cora and the guys just like the Funk and I had to like, like,

it's me, We've never or so because we've never changed names. Okay, right, I find it. I find it. My neighborhood people aren't very nice that way. Okay. I mean, you know, but you know who is nice to much time? No, you know who's always been nice though, Jackie said, you and me and everybody's ever met. James Heeney. Absolutely, James is known for being nice. James, do you recall can you give us an estimate of the price of the most expensive dinner you've ever paid for that I've ever paid for?

Probably it's not that much. I mean, I'd say probably two hundred dollars for Aaron and I together. Yeah, it's probably the most I've ever paid for a dinner. I've been so blessed that I've been on more expensive dinners. I've just never had to pay for them. Yeah. I went to a place in Sedona. I don't know, they don't have prices on the menu, so I have no

idea how much it was. But it was outdoors and our table was next to a creek with running water next to us, and it was amazing I don't know the price, but I'm certain it's the most expensive meal I'll ever have. James, I love that you don't know the price. I check this out, James on I just got back from Italy. At one of the places we stayed, check this out. We thought maybe we were crazy the first night, but we went to the same restaurant two nights in a row, and I've never heard of this.

They hand me the man the menu with the prices on it, and they handed my wife the menu without prices. I have never heard of it. But of course Jessica wants to know how much, so I would just we just switch. Isn't that wild? Okay? Who, Well, we're gonna we'll talk to Craig in a second. He is here, but he's just not next on my list to get his take on the menus. But you know who is next? Market Gagliardi, everybody. I love that menu thing. I know

it's super sexist, super sexist. I like the idea that you could walk and you'd be like, Hey, which menu do you want? Do you want the one with the prices on it? Are you like? Fuck it? Just give me the one that I could just go full hedonistic. I know it's weird. Yeah, it's sexist. Could it be romantic?

I don't have never understood why you wouldn't want it, Like there's always just enough room for the price, you could just enough room to put This is on purpose so that the woman doesn't have to look at the price. She's not the worry. She just chooses based on what looks good because of course she's not paying, which was not the case with us, Mark, Mark, Yes, okay, I mean you know we split, we split. Sure. This is a I'm excited to ask you this question. I'm excited

to answer it. Okay, for you personally, For you personally, I said, what's more valuable? But I don't know if that's the right wording. What's what? What do you like most? No, I'll say that, okay, for you personally, what's more valuable to you? A deadline article? I AMDB star meter or a Getty image. This is yeah, it is inside baseball. Um I think for me, I mean, I know, I know, I know. First Okay, it's such a it's such an actor centric question. I realized, and I love I like Um,

I like the star meeter. I think because this star meter is quantifiable over time because you can look at you can look at the entire and I won't just apply this to like when I've googled myself, which I've never done, or searched myself, which I've you know, also never done. I don't know why I need to make a distinction between googling and searching myself, as if like, well, we all know bing as the default, but I've never binged or googled. Now. Um, but the star meter you

can see an entire career arc. Uh, so it's uh, you know, it's there's more information in it. Have you seen God? Who was it? It was some comedy writer from l A. She got a purse. Have you seen this image? It's the Getty Image logo was purse and she wore it to red carpet events. So she would carry a purse and it would sling right in front of her midsection exactly in the same spot that a Getty Image logo would. And I think it's the most brilliant purse. I guess with this taking as little time

as possible, I didn't realize Getty images were important. What exactly does it take to get a Getty image taken like why is that you have the red carpet Yeah, yeah, I think it's just red carpet images are red carpet images. I don't know, I don't I mean, probably do other images, but I think it kind of denotes that you were at an event that was worthy of being captured for all time almost you know. Now, if we're going with do at what point do I feel like I have

made it? It's when I get an ice stock photo image. That's when I've made it. Is like me juggling and I become just the picture that pops up on I stock photo when it That's when I've made it. Uh. That was that was a little inside baseball. I'm so I'm thank you for answering, though, thank thank you for answering always. Alright, Craig Atkowski, everybody, Hi Craig, Hi, Chris Craig. I can talk to you about a million things forever, and I plan on doing so, just in this particular episode.

Just a random question. Here are you or were you ever a Dungeons and Dragons guy? Nope, I can talk I can talk to you forever. That's that's the that's

the end of that conversation. Um. I mean I'm kind of of the age that like I'm pretty much the age of the Stranger Things kids, you know, Like so like that's and so I was, you know, in my tweens and teens as the game was really exploding, and a few times I was gifted like Dungeon and Dragon, like Dungeon Masters sets and stuff like that, and I think I just I never understood, like because it's not a game with rules and stuff. There's like a concrete thing.

And I think I try to get my friends together to play it, like based on a little bit of information that we had, and like you need somebody to

like indoctrinate you into it. But now I kind of understand what it is is and I have no interest in play like you know, and not to like gender quality, like but I think at that time too, it's like, okay, well, like girls will play with dolls and boys we'll have this way to like creatively storytell like you know, be and charactors, where like we would do that with art barbies. And what's the prices were on the Dungeons and Dragons

games and the dolls have no prices. It's weird, but I I improvise, you know, I I role play all the time, so it's like, that's fine. I'm an actor. I'm an improviser that scratches that itch for me. I have no particular affinity for fantasy worlds. M hmm, but God bless people people love it. I love that that brings people joy. Just I'm not that person. Well, I think all of us, us five are about to enter a fantasy world right now, or words, I should say,

who's our dungeon master? Brought on by the suggestions of listeners, Yes, who either right in to our email or or for for priority selection or priority uh positioning in the queue. They can become a Patreon v I P. A supporter of the show. They can do this by going to Patreon dot com, slash alchemy this, or like I said, they can just shoot us an email. And by this

point they certainly know our email address. But in case you don't know, it is alchemy this email at gmail dot com, it is actually at dot dot or seen one comes to us from an Alchemy v I P. Krry King Kerry says, Hi, guys, a prompt for you. Even in a post apocalyptic world, there is no escape from home owners associations h thanks. Hello, is there anybody in here who's hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's okay, it's okay, I'm human, Still human, Still human,

all right, do the test? Still human? Oh here, look look look at my pupils. Uh huh you can see them. Okay, okay, okay, no red, no red, no red. Okay, still human? Okay. What can I do for you? The water, if you need some water? No, no, actually, it's not about the water. It's some I hate to bring this up. It's about your lawn. Say what your lawn it's a little long.

Oh well, you know I've been collecting and scavenging and yeah yeah, yeah, but I mean you couldn't scavenge yourself a lawnmower, because, uh, you know, we try to keep things tidy around here. I mean, look across the way, look at look at Sandra's place. Sandra Sanders. She's particular. Yeah, she likes to keep she's you know, we are particular as a neighborhood. You know, like all of her water drums are all lined up to see that. See how

Sanders got her water drums lined up over there? Looks nice. I was just keep keeping this infant alive has been taking up most of my time. Sure, sure, sure, And we don't want to we don't want to infringe on you keeping an infant alive. But you know, maybe maybe pick up maybe pick up some of the shell casings out of the out of the driveway, you know. Oh okay, and just just really anything in life that you any advice you need about this. I really just looked to Sandra.

Her place looks great. I mean, just look at Sandra's place, like, come on, and then I just feel I just feel like we haven't had a meeting in years, and you know what with the explosion and all, well sure, look, we all just found these houses. We all just found these houses. I get it. We all found these houses. And and when we first got here, we were like, yeah, you know what, we're all gonna be here. We're gonna create a community, and is how we're gonna live now.

And but you know, time's past a little, so clean it up, Blood Jaw. I think I think people are living in this neighborhood. Look at that. Look at that person's yard, crisp, clean cut grass, water barrels lined up. Come on, blood Jaw, we can go in there. We can just take over this town. Uh, I'm I'm so disoriented. No, I haven't eaten in days. There's probably human beings there. We can eat them. We'll cook them, we'll make a nice I'm on a spike of yeah, yeah, all right,

So what should we do? Wait for nightfall and then and then raid the place that that one with the cut grass? Why wait for nightfall? I don't know, the element of surprise? Okay, yeah, I said no, no, no, I don't know why I didn't think of that, but that surprised me. It's supposed to be the leader blood Jaw. I usually look up to you for advice, are you okay? Yeah, I'm just wondering, like, uh, is this place zoned for for barbed wire? I don't know. I think the barb

borris trying to keep us out. But if we sneak in there, I think we could just eat the humans that are there. Yeah, I'm sorry. Your pupils are really like, uh, I don't know what to call them, but pooling. Your pupils are pooling it the bottom here. My pupils are pooling. Your pupils are kind of polish, those ping uh Sandra Sandra hum yes, human across the street. Let's test two or four. Al Right, now, put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in,

shake it all about. M M all right, that's human. That's no one else can hokey pokey, come on in. Hi. Hi. I'm not sure we've officially met. Like I said, I'm across the street two or four. Nice to meet you. You might have heard the baby baby cries. I found an infant in an at tire, so I've been raising to actually stay inside. Uh. Yeah, that's smart, that's smart.

That's smart. Smart. Um. I was visited by someone earlier who was kind of giving me the rundown about the way this society is going to be moving on from from here on forward, rules or whatnot. Familiar. Well, if you're talking about Don, yeah, I'm very familiar. Yeah Don Don Yeah. Um uh, I guess I'm just here to say, like, it's not really that big of a deal with my lawn is unmowed or or I'm not bringing the trash cans in. After you want to talk about this kind

of stuff, we'll have an h O a meeting. Okay, Oh, I just thought maybe we can have a friendly you know friendly. And this is when you open up the blind spots and easily open up our defenses. When we just start casually going to each other's houses to have conversations about things, we give the blood suckers opportunity to infiltrate. M hmm. Because your baby is not with you right now, So your baby's going in your house right now. You see what I mean. So if you want to call

an official h and, let's keep it safe. Let's keep it safe. But at the end of the day, a scotch scotch, Yeah, yes, cap flush. Look what they're doing out there, They're just meeting in the middle of the day, just walking around. Oh my god, Maybe they're just idiots. Maybe we could just go in there and take this town without even waiting for the element of surprise. How we need the element of surprise? Remember, we gotta wait until nightfall. Hey, that was I saw you talking to

blood yall earlier. Yeah? Is he okay? I don't know, honestly, it was my idea to wait for nightfall. He seems a little out of it. I don't know if he's fully human anymore. His eyes are pooling. I don't know if he's should be the leader. Don't. I don't want to eat a baby. I don't want to get a baby. Oh here is shut up, Shut up baby. Okay, I'm trying to I'm so hungry that my pupils are pulling. My pupils are pulling. Uh alright, this is official h

O A meeting. Thank you guys for meeting at my house. Yeah. Um, an issue that I wanted to address was I understand that we all everybody, yes, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have a doughnut, Okay, go for it. I understand that we all agreed that putting us spikes in a lawns was a bit of an eyesore. However, Um, we have been

seeing bloodsuckers within the community. The barbed wire is not enough, and I think that we should talk about another line of defense because you know, I've killed seventeen of these things and it takes a toll on you, you know, emotionally. Where are you going to get the funding for this? I'm already giving you one one being a week. Okay, I'm paying, I'm paying my dues. I went umps to two or three beans a week. You know who's paying

for this. I'm listen. We could we could, we could scavenge, we could send out a team to just find these you know poles, just errant poles. And weren't you being a team player two oh four. I'm just trying to figure stuff out here. Hey remember remember remember back in the old world there there was that show Arctic Scavengers. Yeah, yeah, with the Polar bears. Oh it was good. That was a good show. Yeah I miss that show. Yeah, man, we all missed TV. You know what, let's all take

a second donut. There's a lot of donuts. I don't want to just take a second donut. Okay, take a donut, leave a bean. Take a donut, leave a bean. I was actually just going to say, let's take a moment for two of four's um infant. The infant. Oh yeah, shame about that kid. That was sad, Yeah sad. Yeah, well, I mean she you know, she wasn't mine, right, but you were responsible for her or your responsible for her. Okay, don't raise the heights of the hedges or because right

now we have a five foot limit on hedges. Yeah. I don't love the shade that the height gives, but I do like the coverage from you know, blood sucker eyes right right from the blood suckers, you know, m m mmmmm. Did you ever name that baby? Yeah? Yeah, would you like to share? Never found any bones. It might be alive somewhere, right, It could have just it could have just learned to walk. I don't know. I think I think it was a clean slur by one of the blood suckers. Oh, you are mostly cartilage at

that point, right, Remember oysters. Remember when you used to get oysters and shooters. You just squeeze the thing on shot, just like we all remember oysters. We remember oysters. I'm looking for a gluten free donut. Um. Yeah, um, that's actually going to be on that table over there. Okay, Andrew, where Celia are you getting? Where are you getting on these supplies? Just think it's better for my body. But I actually have no scientific proof of that at all.

It's just a mental thing for me. Blood huh, Yeah, I would. Sorry. Um, we weren't able to sleep to well last night. We never ended up doing the Element of Surprise thing. But there's been a baby crying all night long, and you're in your little hut car whatever we call our hot cars, I call them hot cars. Yeah, if you're not gonna eat the baby. It's keeping us up.

Maybe we can split the baby out here or something. Look, I thought about slurping the baby and one solid slurp, as it's traditionally done, but I looked in the baby's eyes and I just can't do it. Okay, Look somebody, somebody had written uh Marty on the on the baby's onesie. Okay, I can't. I can't eat something with a name. Well, I'll tell you what I honestly, it doesn't sound like you you should be the leader anymore because you aren't what we call hardest nails, sharpest a razorback. I am

my votes gonna go for scat blush. I think you're probably gonna get eating yourself. Well, me and Marty are going to get out of here. Then, hey, maybe we're gonna go see how do you two wound up in these parts? Don't you know there's an apocalypse on nice motorcycle? Hey? Thanks? Uh? What uh? What's the name of this place? Old timer? This place right here? Oh, it was called the waffle house, but the you fell off now it's called the waffle hose.

So we figured we'd just stick with it. Would you and your little young fella like to come in and have some scattered, smothered and covered whatever we can find. Sure. Sure this is Marty by the way. Oh hi, ow I know it says it on this onesie. Well, come on in, come on in. It's not safe to be riding a motorcycle around here. You say your eyes are fooling? Uh tell me? Can you get human flesh smothered? And wait a minute, you're not a human after all. That's right.

That's my son in the corner. He's got a gun trained. He's got a few. Better start spilling the beans about how you got all the way out here. Don't have any beans? Okay, I don't have any beans. Spillings. We want all your beans. No, I'm completely out of money. That's all right. This town doesn't use beans, is money? Anyway? Nearest town does. That is a good several miles away. But everybody knows Sandra runs that town. Cram Pamarty. We don't want to hear another story. Everything worked out and

now it's modern times again. So anyway, I'm a little point. You're boring a ship. You think this is boring? I told you the story of a goddamn apocalypse. Yeah, well, like I wasn't seeing anything, you know what I mean? Like I didn't see anything. You just heard a story. You just heard a story. You didn't see your story. We'll look into this one eye. What do you see there? Look into this one eye? Now it's not pus see too. Comes to us from Patrick from Canada. How do alchemists? Howdy?

The way you all can do accents and change your tone of voice are truly impressive. Chris got some ship in the beginning for not being as good with accents he's got, but he's gotten better, and he's certainly not bad at accents. I realized that I have not given the scene suggestions specifically referencing accents yet, and I hope Chris enjoys this one, so of course I had to pick it. Suggestion. A bunch of surfer dudes go to New York for the first time. I'm much appreciated, Patrick

from Canada. Surfer dudes got to New York. Oh, Uh, do I have to check this surfboarding or can I just use it as a carry on? Uh? It's a bit too large to put into the overhead bin, so you're going to have to check that one. Oh, it's just is it gonna am I gonna be charged for because I got through security and they didn't say anything.

So I feel like you're fault. I'm just you specifically, but like the airline, right, but when you pointed your finger, it really made me feel like it was me specifically in really really personal eden. We've got to get this guy on the plane. Come on, take care of this gentleman. We've got to take off. We've got a fifteen minutes

late already. Sorry, you're gonna have to check in your surfboard if you want to make it to New York City where all the best surfing is all right, but it's really you got to be super careful with it because bro, this is a family heirloom surfboard. It's from Like you're at international flights. We always take care of all of our all of our passengers, baggage and storage and stuff. Don't you worry? Now? Did you ask for meat? A chicken? Part of me I got the windows over here?

Excuse me, dude? Part of me? Okay, Hey, how you doing. I'm Jack, I'm the surfer Booty. What's your name, Booty? Oh? So you're definitely a surfer? Uh? Page you way back international flights before. It's my first time, Dade, my first time man, so many weird accents. I'm excited about surfing the Hudson. Yeah yeah, I've heard there's some some crazy waves. Should be ripping, should be ripping. All right, the tension passengers,

this is your captain speaking. We are about to fly to my hometown of New York City, so we'll get you up in the air very soon. And don't worry, we'll Once we hit ten thousand feet, I will turn off the fast and seatbelt signs. Feel free to move about the cabin, then to mingle with whoever you like. Jets jets et s jets jets jets very cool. Ten thousand Wow, I better. I've served ten thousand waves by this point, I don't even know how many waves have served.

That's probably the better way to go about it. Hey, are you gonna get a slice in New right? Yeah? Yeah, I'm thinking I've heard. It's better. Heard it's better too. Excuse me more. You're going to have to put up your seat into the complete upright position before we take off. If you could do that for me, please, sir, then we can carry on. Well, that upright is harsh in my vibe, laid back kind of guy's kind of the

laid back guy. Not surely the reasoning for this, but it is uh, it is law and it is um that is what we need from you right now. That's funny though you're not sure the reasoning, right, because I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not sure the reasoning. This is my second day as a flight attendant. UM, I'm mostly here for these smiles and for my very

good customers, divers. It is very good. Yeah, I cannot bring you many drinks later, but for now, I'm going to need you to actually do something for me, and that is a to put up your seat into upright paper, upright position. Alright, alright, not really, mercy, Mercy. You know, hey, where are you staying? Um? The plaza is that in Queens? I don't know exactly. I think it's kind of fancy though. The World Surfing Competition put me up there. I think they.

I think they're thinking I'm gonna be a big deal after this competition. To be honest, Wait a minute, bro, what's your full name? Jack Johnson? Jack Johnson. I've heard of you, well, you probably heard of my music and I'm kind of like a surfers. I played first play. People say I play surfer music, but I actually surf. I noticed you weren't wearing shoes, never do. I got tar my toes. I love that Curious George soundtrack. Any who just tell servers you know what I mean? Refers? Right?

You see that guy over there with that vintage board. Yeah, I wonder what his deal is. There's no way he can get barrels on that thing. No, I mean that's like, that's like nine fifties ship. Right. It looks like somebody that would just get a wet suit, get a board and walk into the ocean without any kind of you know, like assistance or lessons or something that would like help anybody, you know what I mean. I'm sorry, I can't actually put my my seat all the way back because I've

got a back thing we're got. I can't sit up right straight. I gotta be vertical, like kind of horizontal. Does that make sense? Unfortunately, we cannot start the flight unless you do this for us. So do you want to have to beat the art or is everybody's going to be delayed and you don't want to see a bunch of passengers, very very set. This is my second day seat up. Come on, come on, god, this is ridiculous. You have been making my trip really harsh. Then won't

let me take my board on the plane. Now I've got to sit up straight. This is ridiculous. I should have just taken a regular flight from California to New York. Insider. This international bullshit. You can feel free to this blood if you want. If you want to get on a different flight, you have a fun time. But right now, if you're in't here, we've already closed the doors. So this is what it is. You have major bed, Now

you have to sleep in it. Now. I'm not really very very good at customer service, and I don't like to bring my voice like this, and I don't like to make my face like this. So I would like to bring it back to a smile and the pleasantries. And I can only do that, sir, if you put up your seat into the proper upplied position so that we can all get on with our day and with our flight. Well, these are a flights, am I right?

I tell you, pal, if if you're flown out of LaGuardia or JFK or even knew what this would have never happened here. Uh l A X. I'm right. Well, honestly, I think L A X isn't the problem. It's this international flight. They got all these rules. I don't know. It's a it's a California thing, right what. I'm a New York native. I'm a New York native. I know, I know. Yeah, you probably pegged me right away, right, No, I honestly I thought you were maybe from I don't know, Georgia.

I don't know. I'd raise Queens. No, I've never been to New York. I just I'm going for the World Championship Surfing Contest surfing. Yeah, hey, if it's in New York, it's gotta be good. All right. I guess I will put my seat up. You kind of inspired me to do the right thing, do the right thing, bed stolen movie. Alright, ESPN viewers, it is a first here on the network. We got the first annual that's an ambitious name for an event, the first annual New York City Surf Contest

right here on the Hudson River. I'm here with my co host scratch boards. How we doing their scratch boards? It's doing pretty I'm so exciting. To do the surfing now, so this is really great. The createst thing about it is we don't usually see surfing on the river. That's right, scratch boards, but we got three of the best surfers in the world here today. Musician Jack Johnson. Not a lot of people knew this. He is uh, the barefoot

wonder of the boards out there on the water. Wherever the hell he lives, probably Hawaii would be my guest. We also have Body Tree, who is a relative newcomer to the sport, but he has, uh he has been showing up at a lot of events lately and really making sure the crowd stays as zen as possible. And then, of course, I mean, we've got the we've got the grump of the airlines ever since that DMZ story came

out last night, is correct me. I know, I can't believe a passenger even posted that video, considering some of the things that he said, but that doesn't change the fact that he is the He is the front runner to win the entire Hudson event. So let's go down right now, and we've got the competitors, Mike, Let's see what they're saying as they prepare. Thanks Joe, Uh, this is uh Doris Burke reporting for ESPN here at the first Annual Stuff Club. I'm here with Jack Johnson. Jack.

We know you can sing those sweet sweet tunes. Are you gonna make a lullaby out of this wave or what? Oh? I see what you did there. I think that's very cool. Um, you know you because a lot like surfing. You gotta put on a white suit, grab your board, go into the water, paddle paddle, paddle, paddle, paddle, pop up, go down the line and do some cutbacks just like songwriting. Sounds exactly like songwriting as someone who knows nothing about either. Now,

I've also got a body body Tree here with me. Right. You were the youngest competitor here. How did you get here today? Doris Burke? I'm twelve years old and I'm you know, I was I was born raised by the Tree family and uh to bang a canyon and uh, I've been surfing before I was walking, So you know, this is just kind of a natural extension of where my life was already headed. What what an incredible story. And I saw that your parents flew in today, specifically,

I know that you came in a little earlier. How was that flight by yourself, and did you have somebody escorting you to and from, uh, the jetway. I was next to my bro Jack Johnson. Wow. Wow, so almost like a father figure to you at this point in the competition. That's gonna really shake out, interestingly out there on the waves. Yeah, it's gonna suck when I beat him. Wow. I like that tenacity and I like that fire. Speaking of fire and tenacity, we've got the bully of the

of the actual air here with us. Oh, come on, man, that's like not really cool. And that's the image I'm trying to make for at the end of the day. You recognized yourself in this competition. Are you gonna keep that villain title and beat out these very very lovely boys and men? First of all, these boys to men, I don't think that Jack Johnson's ever surved before. Did you hear his description of it and body that kids shouldn't even be allowed to compete. There's only three competitors.

I'm coming in first period. Interesting, you've heard it here. First back to you, Joe, thank you so much. Doris out there on the sidelines, you know it really at the sidelines of the Hudson of course, I mean, uh oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Here's a here's a question. You're an expert surfer, um, and we are here on the Hudson River. Do we, in fact, in your years of surfing, have you come across the situation

like this where there are no waves? I gotta be honest, every single time I've ever done one of these things that hasn't been an Okay, you're you're shaking, your eyes are pooling. Oh hold on, I don't feel too good either. Oh oh goodness, oh oh wow? Oh okay. Yeah. And then uh Scratchboards was patient zero. He was the one who started the pandemic. Wow, Grandpa, I want to hear any more story and even see a single thing when

you said that? So poor? It's it's an incredible sorry, but but the story of the competition itself is even more. Moving on right along to our third scene, the suggestion comes to us from listener Garrett. Hey, alchemists, love you guys. Here's my scene suggestion, unnecessary cash shows. Thanks Garrett. What seems to be wrong with your dinner? That's very funny. Where do I start? First of all, the plating, the plating was subpar um. Second, of all, the quality of

the chicken, I'd say not terrific. Uh, what else I want to say? What else do I want to say? You don't have to go searching for things? Those are Those are cashews? M they look like chicken claws. I'm sorry that you don't like the shape of cashews. I'm not sure what you want an assistant manager to do in this situation. You are, indeed the assistant manager. I am for now, I am indeed the assistant manager. I just want you to make this right. You know what, Um,

I actually use the restroom. So if no, no, no, no no no no, no no no, you're fine. I need to use the restroom. So I want you to know that I can handle myself. This is our second day, by the way. I want you to know if this continues, you're in good hands and you've really showcased that. UM, thank you so much. So your chef just throws in chicken claws into a chicken sandwiches again, sir, the it's you ordered cashew chicken. Yeah, those are cashews and that

is chicken. I don't know what else I can I don't know what a man the restroom is. Actually, it's just what's you mind? Actually, just um escorting me? I sure I can. I can show you where it is. Thank you so much, Okay, help me? Yeah, I know I can tell. It's so bad. And you want me to call you an uber, Like, let me just say that the first quote unquote date was just a long conversation on the phone. That's not Ah, that is not a date. Like I did not know that. This is

the way he comports himself in public. And I'm I just want like you to know, like I'm embarrassed. I needed to get the out of here. This does not reflect on you in any way. It's okay, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this obvious monster. Let us call you an uber. Um My purse is still at the table. Oh, I'll go crawl over dingnong hi. Oh, this is the this is where it all happens. Okay, this is the kitchen. And who's the chef or the chef? I said the quote unquote chef? Can I help you? Yeah?

Are you the quote unquote chef? I'm doing these things on the side like two bunny at the quotations chef, I'm the head cook, the chef, you know. Okay, Okay, I I present to you exhibit A. Uh you see this plate here? Uh huh? What's wrong with that? Would you eat this here? Try some here, try some open, try something? Hey, stop it? And yeah, I eat I eat cash us all the time. Uh huh? You think do you have you have a nut allergy? No? I have a let's see. Yeah, well what is that? What's

the definition of allergy? Um? Do you break out in hives and have difficulty breathing after eating food? No? So I don't have a nut allergy. Perhaps I think that they that these particular nuts are unnecessary sir? Okay, Well, I mean it is cash you chicken, So I'm looking for the essence of cash you. I don't need to chew on chicken cloths. Is this the menu you ordered from? Yeah? Um, so your your date is paying, I guess because there's no prices on this one. Yes, this is our second date.

So it feels like that's the way it should go. As a matter of fact, now that you're bringing her up, let me show you. Let me show you an example of the type of women I get to date. If you just speak right there to this, sorry in order order up. By the way, Oh, she seems to be got it, grabbing her purse. Give me one another great date for the books. Come on, Janice, I mean, what is this set up? I think it's the profile that you've made. I don't have the same problems that you have. Dated.

He brought half the kitchen staff into the restroom and showed them to show them me pants down. Well it's inappropriate, but it sounds like he likes you a lot. He just wants to show you off. Isn't it nice to feel priced? Janice? I don't mean this as a slight, but like you and I are just like little could just be careful what you say because time when you start saying that something like that or it's usually followed by a hurtful thing to understand. So I'll be careful.

But also maybe you put up your garden a little bit. Okay, HiT's up. You and I are like on different I wouldn't even say that we're playing on different teams, were like in different sports, you know what I mean? Like I'm tennis and you're surfing, but like on a wave that's not even there. So for me, a guy liking me, that's just like not enough. Where like for you that's you know, like that's rare. And you've got a lot of guys, a lot of guys like me, and I

like them. Okay, yeah, yeah, it's just like you cling to it in a different way. And I give me a snumber, give me a number, Let me have one date with them? Part of me? You are you a server over at chats? Yeah? Yeah, I thought I recognized you. Know, I thought I knew I recognized you. Yeah. Yeah, this is your Starbucks? You coming here? Also? Yeah? Yeah, just waiting on my just waiting on my sufie egg bites. Yeah? Yeah. Do you swoop? Do you swoop swooping on people's uh dates?

Are significant others here too? Or is that just at your workplace? Oh? Here we go? This is about the Yeah this you know what she asked me. Okay, she asked me to get her out of there. Okay, okay. And I assume you're now dating and you're have any time? No? Yeah, man, First of all, I have a boyfriend, doublet with cash you milk? Oh that's me. I'm just waiting on the sufie egg bites. Now, um, you have a boyfriend, you still steal girlfriends? No, I'm not stealing your What are talking?

I'm not stealing. She came to men. I saw the connection. I felt it. Our connection was based on a mutual dislike of you. Bro. Those are my egg bites. I gotta go. Wow, yeah, I want to. Here's what you should do, man, seriously, stand here in this Starbucks and think about your choices until they call your name. Well, I will part of me, sir, excuse me, sir? Are you waiting? I just got my world rocked. You've ever been here in the face with the truth? Um why

I guess metaphorically? Well, I guess he didn't hit me. Just well, I gotta sit down. I gotta sit down. Okay, No, I'm not, I'm not. You don't remember me, do you? You came into my kitchen last week and confronted me about your cash, your chicken. Oh gay ye. This day just keeps on getting better. That was kind of the last straw for me. I I quit as a as head cook. What I quit as head cook? It was sick of assholes like you. I'm learning a lot about

myself today. Friend, got an order for asshole. I think that's me. Here you go, man, Oh that that might that might be me. Oh, who's my name? Is a shoal? They they sell Okay, I'm projecting. I guess I'm just projecting. Sorry, sorry, sorry, Here you go. I'm a shoal. I'm a shoal. This one's you, yes, no, the other guy, this one's you. Yeah. It all likes coffee. That's you. Yeah, that's that's okay.

Here you go, asshole. Um yeah, so um, I really like like arts and crafts like that's a really big Hi. I found you. Sorry to interrupt. Hi, I'm on a date right now. Excuse me. Hi. Yeah, I don't know you. Your name sir Jerry, Hi, Jerry. Listen. I okay, I've been thinking about you, and I know you don't want to see me anymore. Sorry, not you, Jerry. You. Um, I just I had a big things have changed, my god. Please stop I had I had stop thinking about you. Please please. I am so sorry. I am not a

home wrecker. I will no no, no, no, no, no state. I don't want to wreck this. Goodbye, Thank you, thank you? Hi? Are you for real? I'm better than for real? What's what's better than reality? I'm a dream. I'm a dream. You're a nightmare. That's not true. That's not true. I learned a lot about myself. Watch watch, I'll order something. Excuse me, excuse me? You guys need another? Oh? No, hi, hi, watch this, just watch this. You don't remember me? Do

you? You You don't remember me? God? Remember I got a job waiting tables here because I peeped at me in the in the restroom with you. Do you feel this? Something's changed? Right? You're I just I'm like not, I'm just like not interested. I just I had to put myself worth. But I like you. Isn't that enough? No? Not for me, not for me? Sy I think you should leave the lady alone. Wow, I like that. I like that a lot. Thank you? Shal was it? Yeah? I'm a shal He's asked. I'm an asshole? Ain't that

the truth? Sorry? I ruined your night? Sorry I ruined everything? Oh my god, Somatic, I'm not gonna take I ruined your meal. I'm I'm I'm broken here, I'm right here before you. Broken. I'm I'm I'm a pooling eyeball of nothing. Huh. Stupid me. Stupid me for thinking I gonna have a chance with someone like you. Stupid me for thinking I could grow with someone like you stupid. I'm so sorry. I'm s sorry. I was kind of hovering because I had called the Uber and start here. Yet it doesn't

seem like it's working out. Do you mind if we continue continue our date? Please? Okay? Al right? It just cost five bucks? Oh my gosh. Wow. So anyways, Um, yeah, I liked arts and crafts. You were talking about yourself. That was like, that's just what I have to do on my free time mostly, babe. But that you were driving tonight, that you were ubering driving uber tonight. Oh no, did someone cancel on you again? Yeah? I got canceled on. Hey, don't personally, I don't want to talk about it, baby,

don't don't want to talk about it. I do take it personally. I think that they see my picture and then they go, I'm not good in a that guy's car? Are you kidding me? I mean, look look at look at this face. It's not would you get it? Don't just be nice. Look I'm the type of guy who look, I fell in love with you because you liked me, and I thought that was the maximum that I could get because look at this face. I think you were right on with that. Wait what I think you made

the right decision. You think I was. Hold on, you think I was. I'm supposed to say terrible things about myself and you're not supposed to agree with me. This is you know what I get. I'm getting out of here. I'm just gonna help you. I don't want to call a new but I'm gonna cover for a minute. Way to get I'm gonna order take out? All right, Well, just do it on my app already, have Uber open, Just do Uber eats. Get me un I'm calling. I'm calling calling chow Chow. Hi is this chow Chow? Yeah?

This is a shoal Hi. I like to be back. Place an order? Please? I recognize your voice. Tell me, tell me you're not the same guy. Oh I'm a woman. Okay, great? Yeah great, yeah yeah yeah yeah. Can I get some cash you chicken? Please? That's weird. I'm so disoriented because I I just got bit scratch boards. The surfing commentator. He came to the restaurant. He bit me, sorry, let me take the phone. Let me take that. Hi, this is chow Chow. Can I get your order? No? I

think should help us you. Uh, don't worry. We're gonna fire him. Again, just but we'll take your order. What would you? Oh my gosh, what what a time? What a time? I know it's a good scene. When my nose starts running, my ice start watering, that's that's the mark. Your pupil start pooling, they start pulling. That was beautiful, James, Bobble, I say, poetry pulling pupils, Purple pulling pupils. James, what's going on with you? Man? Where can people find you?

What are you up to these days? Besides lapping on a major motion picture? Well, um, let's see. I guess, uh, the usual game front. It's too short of notice. But this weekend I'll be playing as Ron Burgundy in the rock and Roll Marathon in San Diego. Um, I'm their go to guy to play anchorman in the rock and roll marathons. Uh, so I just do a little announcing in the racetrack. So I guess next San Diego rock and Roll Marathon. Check it out. That is why the

whole thing and everything. They bought me a suit that the only weird thing is and I personally don't like it. They want me to wear a wig, so I can't just have my hair. I have to wear a wig to do it it is, I can talk about it for a while, but yeah, I know. But they had the pictures of both and they chose the wig. Okay, Craig Akoski, what's going on? Man? What's what's up? What's new? What? What? What? What are you? What are you doing? Boy? Man? Not

too much? UM should be uh guy co commercial coming out may or maybe not. Maybe they'll just sit on it for a while. Um. But yeah, I wish I had more concrete. Um, but that's not how I heard. I heard from a friend that you're actually really great in um sex Lines of College Girls. Well that's very kind, so I'll plug that on your behalf. Many people have said the Kimberly's dad is the breakout star of season

one of of sex Lines of College Girls. But it's a terrific show, even though my part is relatively small. But it really is a great entertaining show. Proud to have been a part of it. Okay, Jackie, Oh my gosh, hello that I'm at Jackie to Ruthie on Instagram and listen is my account? I teased it perhaps becoming a dance account. Unfortunately, the Heat did not make it to the finals, so it is not a dance account. Um,

but I do have something in the cooker. Some fun bits couldn't be coming out, um, so I think it's I think it's wise to follow now so that you're prepared and you're ready for the for the fun. Well, i'd say start following now so the algorithm knows that you like like Jackie, thererothy content, so it's featured on your page and stuff right right right, right, right right good. I'm excited. It's an old bit many years old, two years old, um, that I mixed that I'm expanding upon.

Once upon a time I did a bit as an entire dance squad, and I will be giving each dancer it's their moment. I remember the bit each day. It's just gonna have their time to shine, um, two years later. So I'm excited. So I'm excited. That's all I can say. It's she's playing an entire dance squad everybody, and we'll leave it there. That's that's I think. It takes up multiple people to be a squad. I believe more than Craig, more than two got to be a squad, right, you

gotta have it? What three? Four? What makes it? I think you need four first Squad four, first que four, first quad. Okay, all right, all right, Mark, what's up dude? That still makes it? I cringe laugh at that every time. I love it, hate it, love it so much. Bad it's bad. What are you up to? What can we see you with? What's popping? Uh? We got an air date. Blood and Treasure Season two comes out July, so look for that. We're very excited to finally have that coming

out to see the world. Um. Also we got this with Mark and Howe on the Maximum Fun Network. New shows dropping weekly. Uh and um some podcast guest appearances coming up that are going to be fun and exciting. Okay, and uh yeah, and um doing Shakespeare in Pasadena. If you're in Pasadena on the second, uh second Thursday of the month, what you will at a Lineage Performing Arts Center.

And I'm at Mark gags on all this stuff. I want to see that, Okay at and you know what, you know what when we're talking about stuff, I got a little I got a little role. I got a little role in Hacks and Hacks and like it's small. I just talked to one of the one of the creators the other day at a party. She was like, hey, mentioned me to mentioned my little my little thing, that it went well. Ell, so that's nice, that's nice. I don't know if acting is for me to be honest,

but in the meantime we got that going on. Thank you everybody for playing, thanks for being my friend. And let's thank our engineer and produced to the stars Mr Doug Bany and mine folks, and I heart media. I am your host Chris Ovardo, and I thank you for listening and until next time,