Tolerance The Source of Shalom Bayit

This week has been dedicated to the topic of Sevel/ tolerating. Rav Wolbe, in his sefer, Aleh Shor, says that we need to dedicate a special focus on Savlanut - tolerating situations or people- when it comes to our family. Because the more contact you have with somebody, the more you need to train yourself in tolerance. Your family is not like a friend that you meet from time to time, that occasionally might arouse some kind of uncomfortable feelings or frustrations. A family, and a household is constant. It's not just a good friend or a good neighbor. So how do we do that? He says that the focus of a person's marriage has to be developing this trait of tolerating , but not just tolerating an occasional line or whatever it may be. It means tolerating this person, carrying them through life. Rav Wolbe says that when a chatan would ask him what his focus should be on the day of his wedding, while standing under the chuppah , Rav Wolbe would say, “ You know what you should think? Think of carrying the yoke of a wife till 120, in all situations. And never take that yoke off.” He said that he bases this on a pasuk in Eicha (chapter 3, pasuk 27) ט֣וֹב לַגֶּ֔בֶר כִּֽי־יִשָּׂ֥א עֹ֖ל בִּנְעוּרָֽיו׃ It's good for a man to carry a yoke when he is young. And the Midrash Raba there says, Ol Isha/, the yoke of a wife. That means marriage. And it goes both ways. Each one is carrying the other one. And he says, That's why, in Hebrew, we call marriage Noseh Isha , Nisuin Literally, it means Carrying a Wife, because marriage means carrying one another throughout life, through every situation. This person is different than you. That's just the way it is. You're going to find different things (he's talking to men here), Your wife is late. She likes to talk a lot. She's lazy . It's hard for her to say goodbye at weddings …. (One of the challenges of separate weddings is that you can't find your wife. There are always men waiting outside for their wives. That's the way it is. You make up to meet with with your wife at nine o'clock but there's no time…) That's the way ladies are. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. So the Martian has to carry the Venetian, and the Venetian has to carry the Martian. They're just different. And if you don't have that understanding, you're in big trouble. As we mentioned from Rabbi Ades, when a person walks into their home, it’s an opportunity. It's an opportunity because it's a challenge. What's the challenge? The challenge is that people are just different. Men and women- every man and woman are different. And he says, people might have a challenge in their marriage and think, “ If only I could switch that other person,” but he says, This is not about one person or the other. This is universal. People are different and people have to carry each other. And the way to do that is a pasuk Mishleh 10,12, וְעַ֥ל כׇּל־פְּ֝שָׁעִ֗ים תְּכַסֶּ֥ה אַהֲבָֽה On all blemishes or lackings, cover with love. Before a wedding, women put on makeup, base and all the layers on top, to covers things up. Well, there's a makeup and base for a marriage. It's called Love . וְעַ֥ל כׇּל־פְּ֝שָׁעִ֗ים תְּכַסֶּ֥ה אַהֲבָֽה׃ You have to cover it all up , And you have to know that this person is for you. That is the way to have a successful marriage. He says, “ It's impossible that they won't be revealed- extreme counter forces, polar opposites, in traits, and how to deal with things.” There are different ways of dealing through life. Do you have a set bedtime or don't you have a bed set bedtime? How do you discipline? Do you discipline? What do you do? There are endless differences. How long should a meal take? Some people like to sit at a Friday night meal for four hours. Some people want be there for one or two hours. That's why there are so many fights about going to the in-laws. Everyone does things differently. Well, that's part of marriage. You're carrying your wife and you're carrying your in-laws. Carry means to tolerate . Tolerate doesn't mean ouch . We aren’t talking about the guy that's lifting weights and collapses under them. We are talking about the guy who’s lifting the weights, just standing there with a smile on his face. He's able to carry the load. This is what Shalom Bayit it is based on. His words are Kol Shalom Bayit Mushtetet, which means foundation, and it’s all about tolerance and patience. If you don't have patience and you don't have tolerance, you’ve got a big problem. So that's what we're working on. Have a wonderful day.