Murder, He Rolled

Yeah. Why did I start talking about chewing gum

I don't actually remember. There was something, there was something happening in your brain that was chewing gum adjacent. Um,

Okay. Okay. Uh, hi Alison.

Hi Matt

Welcome to ADHd20, a podcast where we find the intersection between

ADHD and TTRPGs.

This is one of my favorite times, but I'm a little nervous about today because you have a topic that you came up with five minutes before

Yep. Up

And that's fine. See, the, the, the premise this podcast, which we never want to lose is it, is that we wanted this thing to be an honest conversation. We wanted this to be a learning experience and so and so forth.

But first

But first...

I'm really proud of myself for one thing first. So we, we, we, already have our mainstay of the d100 table, and last week, I introduced a new topic and pondered if we would remember to do it ever again. So here we are, second week in a row. I'm gonna bring this topic up. Matt, what did you hyper fixate on this week? And if you need a minute to think about it, I can tell you mine,

Yeah!

But it does require that I eat a little bit of crow. confess out loud into the world listening that I was wrong about something. Is that, what does that sound crows make? I don't know. I don't, I don't know. Uh, the year was 2020 a television show hit streaming opportunities worldwide and the world fell in love the world except for one Alison Leigh Kendrick, who staunchly doubled down on how much she didn't like Ted Lasso.

Mm.

And with some gentle prodding of some friends, I was encouraged to give it another shot that maybe my initial assessment in season one wasn't the right one. So I have given Ted Lasso another shot and I am deep in the throes of season two. I think I've got one or two episodes left.

Okay.

It's so good. I understand why everybody loves Ted Lasso and I'm so sorry for the last three years of being a contrarian and telling everybody no. And I feel like that has opened some other doors for me. I have been very purposefully pushing myself into, let me try something new. Let me try something new. So I think that Ted Lasso is the micro hyper fixation, the macro hyper fixation is, I'm trying new shit, man. I'm, I'm, I'm, I am. So throw your new things at me guys.

I love it. I love this. I love this. Full Glow-Up. Can we change it Glope?

That sounds very sexy. Sure.

Glope.

So that, that was mine vamping for time. What did you hyper fixate on? That you were on vacation this week. You were not at home, you turned another year older. Wiser.

Mm-hmm.

Sexier.

Well, thank you. Thank you. I feel a little sexier. Let's see, what did, what did I hyper-focus on? I know what I hyper-focused on.

Okay. I can't wait.

Right. So my friend Katie, who is the person that lives in Seattle that we went to visit and we stayed at her beautiful home in West Seattle, and got to spend five days with her where she wined us and dined us, took us to all these amazing places, like the best sushi I've ever, ever eaten in my life. She really, you know, she loves her city and it really shows. She has an adorable nephew that at eight even younger five, is obsessed with vacuum cleaners, which automatically makes him

One of your favorite people.

Yeah. Immediately, I support that every level. And his aunt asked him, what vacuum cleaner should I buy for my new house? And she showed me the she showed me the incredible review that he gave. I This beautiful review of the Miele German made vacuum cleaner, extremely expensive. She was able to find one for less.

Nice.

I went balls to the wall with this super powerful German vacuum cleaner, and I went nuts.

Of course you did.

I was exhausted afterwards, the entire house, top to bottom, just every little crevice I could find. And it was fun. It was very fun.

If you added a hot dog pizza to that day, that would be like Matt's best day ever. Hot dog pizza, some D&D and hardcore vacuuming. He's a simple man, my friend Matt.

I'm a, I'm a simple and strange man... and many, many people you know, point this out. There's something about vacuum cleaners and the process of cleaning a house that is so meditative and relaxing and for me.

All right. All right. Enough, enough, enough vacuuming.

We've got lives to lead.

Um, yeah. So today I am rolling with my, uh, these are my Cora dice that Fitz, uh, gave me for Christmas, and I just love them. They're from Dispel Dice. They are sharp edge and sexy as hell. They've got little, they've got little waves on 'em from my, my beautiful little sea elf. How about a 93?

Ooh, 93. Okay, here we go.

Okay.

Speaking of Dice Alison,

Ooh.

If you were to commission a set of personal dice, what would they look like?

Oh, There are just so many ways that could go, oh, my brain is breaking. Okay. Okay. Okay. I can do this. My most favorite dice have some kind of in like inclusion in them. So I love the ones that have like the, it's like almost like a cellophane or like Micah chips and things like that. So if I were to commission, okay, here's what I would do. First of all, they would be purple and gray, because those are my signature colors.

Inception.

Yeah. Dice-ception.

That's fun.

I'm proud of myself for coming up with that answer that quickly on the fly, cuz that is a Fitz question I, I had never thought of before. So, thank you Fitz.

That's difficult. Yeah. Okay. I'm rolling. This looks like four.

Wow. What's something that you're kind of a snob about? Just, just one thing, Matt.

That's, come on, man. Talk about difficult questions.

I know. I'm so glad you got this question and not me.

Come on.

Everybody's favorite hipster.

What am I not a snob about?

That's true. Know thyself.

I just like nice things. I appreciate artistry in all forms, I, really, I really can't stand mediocrity. Now, look, I will get all up into a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese. Okay? So I'm not saying I don't have my redneck elements, my my common man elements. However, okay, I can do this. I kind of wanna ask you what I'm the most snobby about

I would say the first thing that came to mind was your coffee. You're the first person that taught me there is a precise temperature and, uh, grind to water ratio. And because of that I always make coffee that way,

That's pretension rather than... right? Because I'm, I am pretentious about it, but

All right, so language then, because you're now correcting the thing that I said, you're snobby about by saying, well actually that's pretentious, Alison. Semantics. Matthew

No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, the jokes just write themselves on this show. They're

They're just ready to go. No, that's not right either.

Okay. The other thing would obviously be something technology adjacent,

That's it. Windows. Windows Android.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I'm extremely aggressively snobby them yeah.

Yeah.

I am aggressively snobby about those operating systems. I will go on diatribes about what I feel Windows, what is it, 11 now? And just again, again, an incredible state of mediocrity, It's just living in an incredible state of mediocrity.

Oh, my God.

So I will be very snobby. I will make, I will dive into the ADHD tax for it. I will do anything I can to not use a Windows machine. So that's that's pure snobbery. Good job. Love it.

Know thyself or ask Alison.

This is the best podcast ever. Okay. Okay. How much, how much more can I learn about myself today?

Let's go. Well, well, funny you should bring it up, Matt. Let's get into the meat of this. Okay.

Let's get the meat of this topic. Alison's got something to say me. Uh, should, should I try to wind it up a little bit? You came to me five minutes before we started this podcast and said, I think that we should talk about our Sunday D&D session in Barovia. Because something happened during that game that caused great feelings, and I would like to discuss it with you live on a podcast.

Hoodog!

It was a trap. They set the trap, you walk into the trap, you trigger it, and really you, you kind of had to fight your way out.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But this is an enormous camp full of humans you kind of had to smash through. And the Vistani overwhelmed Chimerical and basically beat her to death. That was the setup. Now what, what would you like to talk about today?

I feel like you feel like I've called you into the principal's office.

I do. I do. I do. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Well see. Okay. Okay. Okay, Ms. Kendrick, here's the thing though. I was just like doing my thing and then, then Billy

So let me, let me add a little bit more. Um, so everything that you just said is correct as far as like the in-game setup. The, the setup for why I thought this would maybe, and listeners of ADHd20, please feel free to let me know if, if this feeling is to the contrary.

Mm-hmm.

On Sunday with, so Chimerical is the character I've been playing the longest.

Yeah.

She's, she's the second character that I ever rolled up. Um, I started playing her in 2020. It was the first game that Matt started DMing for us, and I've been playing her since. So of course I'm emotionally wound up in this character. Of course, I'm gonna feel certain ways. I think something being emotional doesn't mean that it's bad. In fact, I love when things I, I love, the episodes where we get real with each other.

Mm-hmm.

and here's what happened next.

Uh oh,

So unfortunately for all of us, Chimerical's death happened fairly quickly into the session, like I think within, within the first hour or so of gameplay. So what was interesting about that is then I'm just, I was just kind of left there to,

Yeah, I hate that.

To do nothing to be dead, which is not a good feeling. And as I'm sitting there. Being dead, not liking that, feeling angry about the fact that my character died and then all of the, like, what was happening to me is that all of the emotions of like, this isn't it for Chimerical for me, like this is, this is the campaign that a love story has happened. So I wanna see what happens there. So there was this little part of me, he's like, I found love and now it's being taken from me cuz I'm dead.

With every drop of blood.

So I was uncomfortable. Like I was sad, I was upset. But then Matt you, you kept looking at me and you kept going, Alison gets so mad. Alison gets so mad. And so I think this is where like my personal RSD probably kicked in a little bit. Like

Mm-hmm.

Where like, of course I'm sad.

Yeah.

Of course I'm not happy. I'm not mad at you, Matt. You were acting in character through the bad guys that we, I mean, we were fighting bad guys. I wanted to kill them. They wanted to kill me. I lost, they won, like, all of those different things. But I definitely felt, am I doing this wrong? Am I, am I reacting bad to to this?

I'll speak to this first and say that I think that I was experiencing my own RSD...

I could feel that.

...at that moment, because believe it or not, I may talk a lot about wanting the stakes to be super high. I may talk a lot about wishing that the game was just harder and it's so easy now and, in D&D 5E for people to become unconscious and then pop back up. And

Mm-hmm.

and bing boing boing like a little, jack in the box. I didn't know what your party was going to, I didn't know everyone was going to

Yeah.

So I was not trying to, to kill people for sure, and I did not like that the dice

Yeah.

Rolled your death.

Yes,

dice told that

yes.

Here's where I think being a Dungeon Master is so hard, right? Like, me, me, me, because I do have the power at that

Yeah.

to wave a magic wand and say something distracts this, this group of people that are just full on...

Yeah.

...gang warfare on this one person. You are a body, you've gone unconscious. What are they going to do?

Mm-hmm.

In a movie, in a horror movie, in a, in an action movie.

Mm-hmm.

the bad guys aren't going to stop

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

They're not gonna, they're not gonna go away. So, I do have the power to make them go away. I could make something up, do, I know that that's,

Mm-hmm.

that feels cheap sometimes. And I know also that it could also feel cheap to you as

Mm-hmm.

You don't necessarily want me to do that cuz you know

No. Yeah. Yeah. And I,

I'm basically cheating keep you alive.

I definitely did not want that. There was no part of me that wanted you to like hand wave and be like, this was a bad dream, or, I, I wanted none of that. Like real stakes, Chimerical really died. No issue with any of that at all.

So, so this happens and I, I do worry because I, I know that you, you have a, a very emotional reaction to this. As well you should. As well you should, because everything that you said is true. So I immediately am worried about what you think of me.

Mm-hmm.

I'm always talking about killing you guys. But I don't really want you to die. I really don't want that. It, but it happened. And I, what I should have been saying instead of you get so mad is I should have said are you mad? Are you mad? But instead I was like, she gets so mad. Uh, so that is my, not a defense, but that is what went through my

Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, then I felt, I felt called out like, and so that, and then that helps nothing cuz then I get into the squirrely bad RSD place where like, and, and I think that you and I weren't doing it to each other. Like we were both having a reaction. I'm like, how do I show Matt that I'm not mad at him, but also have the appropriate emotions? And then, and this is constructive feedback as far as like in session, what I'm curious about how to signal for the next part goes.

Mm-hmm.

But I wish in game there could have been, when Chimerical's rounds came up, storytelling there. Like, what was I experiencing? What memories? You know, like that was one thing when we played, and Evan and my characters died. It's just a recurring thing. What did we do in death? What were the first memories that came? But I guess my question to you is in the heat of the moment, right?

Yeah.

What is the non-aggressive non, I think you're doing this wrong cuz that's not what it was about. But like what for you would be a good way to get your attention to be like, Hey, look over here. Like there, there's a, there's a storytelling element that some of us are missing here.

Well, uh, yes, I love it. Let's go back to the, the episode that we recorded, where we start talking about this and how we

Mm-hmm.

How can do this. And my first reaction would be simply just ask me.

Mm-hmm.

So the, complicated thing about this session was, number one, again, I'm saying, I don't know, it's so hard

Yep.

I just want so badly to get to the point where, what happened in game I could be better at, and I'm not, I'm not saying that to knock myself, it's pure experience,

Mm-hmm.

because I was juggling

Yes.

50 non-player character enemies

Mm-hmm.

I was trying to clock where the players were going because I'm, I'm also trying to make an interesting combat

Mm-hmm.

and I felt like I was doing a better job of that because I was really trying to make them use their action economy.

Mm-hmm.

I trying to make them move more, which is all something also that I've just really hard. It's really hard me to do.

Mm-hmm.

I simply let it slip. But here's what you can do in the future. Just say, Hey, I'd like my turn. Yeah. I mean, just say, could, may I have my turn? Because after you died, I, I still had the entire combat go, but I would have loved to take that time and energy

Mm-hmm.

to say, oh, yeah, Chimerical, you're in a, you're in a field. It's your family's farm,

Mm-hmm.

and you have this deep, deep feeling of comfort and peace

Mm-hmm.

uh, A far cry from the way that you just died.

Mm-hmm.

And are heading to, you know, we can go full cliche, you are heading To the light. I would have loved,

Okay.

to stop and, and do that and give you the time that you deserve because you are 100% correct and I think there are bad ways of doing that. I think there are good ways of doing far as a player goes, but I know you would never do it in a bad way. So that, but but in my brain, because I'm juggling so much again, not an excuse, simply inexperience, but that's why I was saying why, what I, I want to give my friend something to do cuz she's just sitting around now. Her character is dead. I want,

Mm-hmm.

Fitz's character to heal her. I want her to come back to life. I don't want this to be happening.

Yeah.

And yet I do want the stakes to be how I them up. And I do want to have this experience. Luckily for me it was an experience cuz we're making an entire podcast about it. And I love that. But yeah, I think that's what I would say is if anybody is in this situation, especially with someone who experiences RSD

Mm-hmm.

And you know this. As a Dungeon Master, Game Master, definitely try to remember that.

Mm-hmm.

Even if you have ADHD yourself, try to remember that and, and reach out to them, which I feel like normally I'm really good at. I'm, I do try sometimes to if anybody's too quiet, I try to like ask them

Yeah. yeah,

Yeah, I was just juggling too much. And if you are someone that is, is playing and, and experiencing that, certainly you, yourself would know you could ask me anything. And so I, I think that putting it back on you, only in that way, meaning, not not a passing the buck situation, but saying that is where the most beautiful, examples of playing this game can be. Where the players take up the story that I think I know the answer to because it's in my brain.

I feel like

just talked a lot

No, and I loved it. That's, that was the spirit in which I wanted to have this conversation was like, what was going on in both of our heads. Because I think it was similar, like we were both having these like panic attacks about like, what is the other one thinking and how can I stay present? You know? That's where like, that's why I didn't speak up because what I didn't want to happen is I didn't want to come.

You gave quotes just then, you gave air quotes in charge, right?

"In charge" You, you feel like all eyes are on you. You feel like you've gotta make all decisions in a split second. I feel that way. I don't feel that way about you, but I think we all do that, right? When you're performing, you're, you know, trying to like, get it right. You're trying to say the right things and find the right facial expressions and the right tone, and do the thing that's funny and entertaining, and you're like, your mind is just like worrying at a million miles an hour.

That's Let, let, let me uh, maybe just a little more context about the, the Lindsay reference is that my wife is profoundly deaf and she reads lips incredibly well and she has had a cochlear implant for 10 years, we discovered the other day. is not hearing. For those of you who don't know, it's, it's a, it is a hearing help, but she's not a hearing person. When she grew up, she learned a system called cued speech that allows you to phonetically spell with hand shapes, sounds of all types.

Mm-hmm.

That's what you're referencing

And even I, I remember it wasn't too long ago, she put up a, like a Facebook status talking about in her world, physically touching her is great. You have to, cuz you have no other way espe and, but like stranger danger, right? Like we don't put our hands on people we don't know. So it's very rude and she didn't realize that tapping somebody on the shoulder to people who hear is considered rude.

I think that, I should do that. I actually can do that. And that is, that is something that is really hard for me to learn, Mm-hmm. I think that's, that's a tough one, is I, I disagree. I think that I should be able to say, Hey, how are you Alison? How are you? How are you feeling?

Mm-hmm.

And, and again, experience. But until that time, until I get better at it, until I learn better, I, gosh. Because we're, we have to come up with something that's not just quote unquote inoffensive to me, but something that could be used for everybody. And that's a little tougher because you could just say, Hey,

Yeah.

This is my feeling.

Well, this is following the, the trail that we started blazing last week, those conversations that you have as a table are so vital. It's why we recommended things like discussing the X card and having a session zero. And I think that this can play out into our real lives and real relationships as well. Right? When you can in those calm moments, sit people down and say, Hey, you know, it's what you were saying last week about, um, if you know that you're the neuro spicy one at the table, right?

I think it would be incredibly cool if we could think of something.

Are we gonna try to do it live here today?

Okay. Here's an example of something that, probably have said this before, but when I was in a rock band, and we were in a situation that we felt uncomfortable in, we found a way to work the word Shamu into a conversation with that person. Where, if any of the band members felt awkward, and you cannot overuse it. You, cannot use it lightly. It was was an extreme and it was serious.

Mm-hmm.

And we would find a way to talk about Florida and Shamu. And we would do it, you know, so that another member or, or the, the manager could hear, and he knew, I'm gonna sweep in and I'm going to, but it wasn't, it wasn't offensive to a fan.

Mm-hmm.

It you know, we weren't trying to hurt anyone's feelings.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, and we were saved. Mm-hmm. I think it'd be super fun to come up with

With our safe word. Yeah.

but a saying that is fun and light, and it would just say, yep, okay, great. Taking a breath, taking back doesn't even have to be any kind of major thing. Just like a check it and go. Because I agree with you. Right? Because I agree with you and it's something that I want to get better at. So what is it? Do we want, are we doing it right this minute or are we,

Draxx. Them. Sklounst. No, we say that too often. It can't be that cause.

It can't be that.

Um, all right. What's our, what's our, I don't know. We'll have to think of it. We might not be able to come up with this.

But I, I think that this is a really cool thing, and I think that systems like this,

Mm-hmm.

When approached in a, in a very open manner

Mm-hmm.

That does help

Mm-hmm.

parties

Yep.

is fantastic.

Mm-hmm.

And I think if you add an element of fun to it, then it, it, it can remove the RSD element

Yes.

for people who have, who are on the autism spectrum or, or ADHD. You could remove that if it's fun. You're like, uh, yeah, yeah, they mean it in this fun.

Mm-hmm.

Much like Lindsay's cueing, much like Shamu.

I think all these were supremely helpful and I just, I think that, you know, at the end of the day, it's all about, I get to, in my head sometimes to worry, and that's the RSD speaking, right? Too worried. Am I not going at the pace that's enjoyable for everybody? Am I, you know, not creating this, that, and it's just a reminder that like the best games are the ones that we're fully present in just a call to presence. Like, don't worry about all of those different things.

Yeah. I love that you were wondering about that. I love the question. I love bringing me to task, but not in a way that made me feel like you were bringing me to task. But you, I mean, you weren't, you weren't, you were just were saying your truth, speaking the truths, and I, I think it did actually, it was a perfect timing. And now I understand why you wanted to kind of talk about it today. Both because we're, the game is fresh in our heads, but also the podcast was,

Yeah. Yep.

This is kind of like a part two of

I promise we didn't do this on purpose.

We didn't, though we didn't, we really

I just realized it fit in so beautifully that we talked about how we'd like to, to, you know, Sunday was a very high emotional, high stakes day. Um, and it wouldn't have served us if I had come in swinging at you, you know, immediately after. Um, you know, cause then I was wrapped up in the emotion of, of my character dying. And let me just say, at no point, I, I, I knew, I knew you were pulling for Chimerical. Okay. I knew, I knew you were.

Yeah.

That doesn't, that does not make the worry of like, what if I have to let her go before I'm ready? Uh, subside any faster.

No, I love it. I love it. And, and it's another example in, in real time basically, of how people can get so attached to these characters that you, that you become, that you inhabit in your brain. And phew, as I say, almost every podcast. Love that.

I love that.

Amazing.

I love that journey for us. I love the journey for all of us.

Love that journey for us.

Can I be super snobby for a second? It's my turn to be snobby about something? Um. If you are not playing with people again in life and in game, that you can have this level of a discussion with? Get better friends.

Get better friends.

I, I like, I mean, that's been the beauty of, you know, you Evan Fitz, Matt Williams, you know, like everybody in my life now is that I can like, sit down

Yeah.

and have these real conversations with and say, this is how I felt about that without, I mean, y'all don't trigger my RSD I, I shared that. I, I used to live in this just constant state of nervous energy of what does the world think about me and why is it hate? And, and I just don't feel that way anymore because of y'all, so.

Do you know why that you know why you're enjoying Ted Lasso?

Mmm..

You're opening yourself up to trust, you have people now that you trust.

Mm-hmm.

And you trust that they won't hurt you. You are now surrounding yourself with better and better people that are worthy of your trust, and you're like, okay, well, damn it. If they,

Mm-hmm.

I'll give it another try. It's still you. It's still your feelings and your personality, but I love it.

All right, so we just connected the dots between our d100 roles between the game that we love, between the neuro diversion that is our brain... neurodiversity, neurodivergentness...

Yes.

We connected all the dots today.

Let's do it.

Well, Matt, thank you for coming on my podcast.

Thank you for coming on my

Thank you for, for standing in front of the Firing Squad. Thank you for coming to the principal's office.

She's a pretty cool principal.

Remember, you can't spell principal without pal.

good podcast

Good, good podcasting.

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