Dungeons and Dopamining

I actually kind of have pretty decent hand eye coordination, but man, I am not good at sports. That's why part of this podcast exists is that I channeled all of that, energy, and I, I'm a little bit regretful for, uh, of it a little bit, that if there's one thing that I kind of wish my parents had done, they encouraged everything about my life, that artistic side, the creative side, the, imagineering , the, the dreaming.

They really, you know, they said I could be anything I wanted, but I do kind of wish that they had said, try a sport because I have such a weird relationship with exercise it's just not something I, I just don't have like a background of fun. I don't have positive history with it. So is that fair to say? That's what I'm truly terrible at.

Fitz and I are throwing and throwing and we're just not hitting the board over and over again. Matt picks up an axe and on the first throw: bullseye and then we're all like beginner's luck. And then he just kept throwing bangers the whole time. So I guess that's not athletics per se, but it is a definite hand-eye coordination pursuit and you were instantly stunning at it.

I have no idea why, but it was never fostered and I never, you know, because then when I went to school and there were like sports and teams and all that stuff, and I just kind of crumbled and was very unpopular and made fun of. So it just became, I have such a negative thing towards all of it that,

And I am, you know, one of the ways that my, lack of impulse control, comes in a lot is just I spend way too much money on very unnecessary things. I have, I have no chill when it comes to pulling out the old credit card. So I'm trying to lock it down. I'm trying to not buy any clothes cause I have plenty, I'm trying to not, you know, buy any new tchotchkes or knickknacks or things for my house cuz I have plenty.

And I was taking down Christmas and the area where my Christmas tree was, I was like, maybe I should do something new with that space. And so I gave myself a little challenge. I was like, I can pull any piece of furniture, any decoration, anything that I already own to try and make this space new. And over the course of the afternoon, I'm like going through my house and moving furniture around. By the way, were you, Matt, one of those kids that was constantly rearranging your room?

Because I definitely was,

And I realized at the end of that that I had the same level of joy coursing through my body that I do is when I go shopping and get to come home. And, and I felt, I felt in that moment, like I had discovered like a little hack, like do other people know about this? That maybe you don't have to spend the money. Maybe you could just spend the time breathing new life into something that you already own. And that's the exact same effect. So two part question.

Part one is, Matt, do you have any dopamining that you'd like to share?

And, uh, I feel like the, the edit studio side of the office, uh, was kind of getting a little bit intense and every once in a while things were just kind of, you know, stop working because it there was a lot going on. And I was also using a separate computer just to, just to record and stuff. But I thought, well, gosh, maybe I don't need that computer and maybe my friend Alison might like it because it's a good computer. It's a great computer, and you could actually use an upgrade.

Um, so my, my problem with dopamine and dopamining, possibilities happen every time a new Apple product is released. There's always a point where I have to obsess about it and go, okay, gosh, wow. Do I need this upgrade? Should I have this upgrade? I spend hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of talking myself into or out of certain things, right?

Uh, so there's a new few products released that were a solid upgrade, and I was very excited about them because I was like, Ooh, well that could be beneficial. and I was like, Ooh. And it could also help Alison. That's a part of me trying to work through it. Uh, and so I was like, I'll, I'll do it. And so you know, I'm selling you one of my computers. And then when I went to press the buy button, I said, wait a minute. Hold on. Do I need this right now?

So what I did instead was I dismantled everything to get your system—a monitor and a, and a Mac Mini. That's gonna be so, so great for you, I think. so, so, so much quieter, so much more powerful. so that's gonna be great. And I had it all aside. I was like, okay, great. Now I have room for something new. And then I was like, well, What if I just did without, what if I don't use two, two monitors in this room and I only have one here and can I do it all? And I did.

And I, so everything is a lot simpler. It's cleaner. I've got my dice tray ready to go right at my hand because now I have room for it cuz there's not another, something right there. And, and my laptop, uh, which is a great laptop, can do it all. So I'm, I'm just, you know, I am unplugging to move around. But I was doing that anyway, so I've now dopamined myself into this really lovely new experience, both in my work and this studio.

And, uh, I don't have to worry about changing settings on different computers because that's what I was doing. And I did a lot of cable management. cable management is a big dopamining thing for me.

Uh, and so it seemed like a natural fit. Um, and then my rogue-ish archetype, I had taken arcane trickster, so I already had a little bit of magic in me, and so it just, it seemed like the right flex. But Matt, you don't love multiclassing. Care to talk about that for a second?

And look, I'm, I'm very much aware that part of the reason that multi-classing drives me nuts as a Dungeon Master, is that it is triggering my, internal ADHD, trying very hard to, to stay focused on something. And I also just don't, I don't like, the current Dungeons & Dragons fifth edition mechanic for multiclassing. I just don't like the concept of it. I don't, It doesn't seem realistic to me, because in D&D it's kind of like I'm doing this now, uh, now I'm taking a right turn.

Now I'm plant doing this. Now I'm taking a left turn. Now I'm, you know, so it, it frustrates me. Uh, and I've, I've made that, you know, apparent to, to the players in the group, to their frustration. But to Make Alison happy. I said, of course Alison, I want you to have what you want in this game that we play every week. I want you to be happy. So yes, let us, let's do multiclassing, right?

And so we, you know, I, I'm the kind of, I'm the kind of game master that wants to, have like, reasons that people will make choices in the game. Meaning... Why would your character, Chimerical? Suddenly decide to study the ways of a Bard? Why would she go from a thief background to something else? And you have, you've had great reasons for it.

But the other players in the group have come to me with like, these major backstories and like these, very intense reasons why they are what they are and do what they do. But you and I have just kind of been like, you learn something new as a player and you come to me, I wanna try this. I'm like, okay, sure we can, we can do that. And then the next time we talk about like, gaining new experience of like, Ooh, and now I feel like she might do this.

Um, and then we finally, it finally dawned on us, didn't it? Because, uh, something happened recently that, was an in game extreme event that happened. And this time Alison came to me and had a very different feel and a demonstrative idea for her character. Suddenly her character was razor focused on what she wanted to do next and what she wanted to be. And at that moment we both went, oh, Chimerical has ADHD, Chimerical has ADHD.

She's had it all along, and, and it's just taken this life experience, this moment to, to both show us that.

And so I, I tried to, when I built Chimerical, you know, even though I had her with an entertainer background, I tried to, to come up with different ways that she could entertain for coin besides just, you know, open mic night at the local tavern, right? Um,

And so I, I was, it was me trying to play against type and say, okay, but what are some more interesting in character choices I could make? We've talked about this I think on the podcast, that anger and sadness are kind of the low-hanging fruit of the emotional world. And so try and find other reactions, find new different ways. So that's kind of, that was the spirit in which I came to Matt and said, okay, like this thing has happened.

But I don't want her to be defined by just pining endlessly cuz that's not gonna be fun for me to play. And it's not gonna fun for my party to have to just deal with this lump who's crying all the time. And so, yeah, so Matt and I start talking. We both have this sudden like aha moment, realizing that the reason she has changed focuses so many times is because she has ADHD. I'll peel the player from the character for a minute.

It was a real life frustration of Alison's not necessarily Chimerical's, when I, I had realized in recent weeks nobody in the party knew what I was good at. And so anytime we would come up against anything where, oh, somebody needs to, you know, uh, unlock a door or somebody needs to, do a vibe check on a room everybody would turn to everybody else in the party. And that was driving me, Alison, a little bit crazy because I'm like, I'm good at that.

But I realized that the way that I was playing the character, I hadn't, you know, I don't know if it was a masking problem, but that was when all of a sudden I went, oh my God, it's ADHD because I hadn't let anybody know what I was about. I had been so focused on being a Jill of all trades, multi-talented, able to be proficient, cuz that's what... you know, a Bard is proficient in a lot of things, but they're not the one singular focus for any one thing.

And I think when I verbalized to you that I was really frustrated that nobody turned to me in game to ask me to do these things, that was when you and I both went, oh no. And that gave me like the fire in my gut that you were talking about, to define the thing that I stand for to make it known. This is my talent. This is what you need to rely on me on before anybody else. And it's not an ego thing.

I think I'm not doing a great job of explaining it in a way that doesn't make it sound all about me. But in a, in a game, in a party, you wanna be balanced. And we've talked about that before. You know the archetypes, so you wanna know who to call on.

You're just, because you're not, you're not a super powerful bard, nor are you a super powerful thief. Right? And that's, that's a frustration. And as, as someone with ADHD in real life, you're gonna actually in game feel this rejection sensitive dysphoria, right?

Um, so I'm just gonna read really quickly from Cleveland Clinic RSD is when you experience severe emotional pain because of a failure or feeling rejected. This condition is linked to ADHD, and experts suspect it happens due to differences in brain structure. Those differences mean your brain can't regulate rejection related emotions and behaviors, making them much more intense. The second that I heard about this concept I mean, it, it describes everything that I always am.

Why little tiny things, you know, that to other people, they would just kind of brush off and say like, oh, this is a spat. We'll, we'll be over it by morning. I'm like, oh my God, do you not love me anymore? Do you not wanna be in my life anymore? Do you not want anything to do with me? And it, and it perplexes my, my friends and family.

But now that I have a name for it, and that's, you know, so much of what this journey is all about is giving things a name, understanding them, having conversations, and hopefully eventually, you know, there's some things that, that we're just gonna be, and we're, we've talked about this before, we're not gonna try and fight it. This is something I'd like to fight.

But it, it explains so much, Matt, about why at various stages in our lives, you and I have both been pegged as overly sensitive or overly dramatic. And I think, you know, when I, when I started thinking about this within the lens of Chimerical, she was feeling ignored. She was feeling misunderstood. She was feeling, you know, uh, like she was, she would and could have been labeled at any turn. These things that she didn't feel she innately was because she has ADHD. And coupled that ADHD is RSD.

How many times has someone has innocently brushed me off and I, I'm like, oh, they're mad at me. And that's never it. And usually when I come to them and say, are you mad at me? They'll say, what are you talking about? I, I was busy. I, I was, I was focused on the work I was doing. Um, and then the final. I know, right? I was streamlining.

And then kind of the final thing, and this is getting into the science of it, is social rejection, even when it's vague or uncertain, causes similar brain activity to pain. So that like we are inflicted pain upon us. And that resonates so hard with me that you just, you know, when you are in blinding pain, you have a migraine or you know something is broken and it's not, it's all that you can focus on.

It's all that you can fixate on because the neurotransmitters in your brain are, you know, sending you a signal that something's not right. Like, that's why pain exists, right? And that's what's happening in my brain structure because of my ADHD. It's the same reaction as if I had, you know, twisted my ankle. It's my brain trying to get my attention and say, pay attention.

But it is incredibly difficult to explain at the, the intensity and the level of it to the point where, like you said, we are so unaware and so the only feedback that we get, that we, that, that we can go off of our entire lives is when people go, what? Why? Why are you reacting that way? What? They literally don't understand why we are in a full on tailspin. cuz their, their email was just efficient.

I don't write efficient emails because I don't like getting efficient emails cuz I think that they're mad at me. I know, it's ridiculous. But that's, a real thing. And so I would love to hear from people whose maybe brains are, are a little less neuro spicy. That, that, like, what is it like then? What is it? Because I just take it for granted so much. So yeah, so we're, you know, we're standing there we're, and we're like, oh gosh, so this, this major thing just happened to Chimerical.

We're not gonna make her sad. We're not gonna make her like furious, what are we gonna do? She's gonna get even, how are we gonna make her get even, right? Um, and so you had some really fun ideas to do that. And, it, it wasn't that, it's, you know, it's not gonna change your class system, your choices up till now. But what you're saying, which I think is something that we can apply in our real lives, is personally I am, I'm proud to be a jack of all trades, master of none.

I don't like talking about superpowers and ADHD, but man there is nothing better than to be able to go into a strange situation. I did, I did this just Saturday. We went to this super random, super last minute gala fundraiser thing. Didn't know anybody. Sat down, and I could talk about anything. I could talk about anything. That is pretty magical. So I'm, I'm happy. I'm happy that I can do that. That's super fun when, when it happens.

But the, but the flip side is I'm not going to be a 10th level monk or a 10th level wildfire druid. I'm not going to be that focused.

And I think that that's something that I dealt with, that I brought into my character of she was trying to be everything to everyone and to your point, not getting anywhere. Because instead of being at a level 10, she was at two level fives.

But I used to hear it a lot and I think because as I've gotten older, I've grown more comfortable building the right boat and making sure the right crew is on board, like putting your energy in there, all of the right places. It all kind of comes back to that. So, um, RSD is something we have but barely scratched the surface on.

You know, I think I've told you this before, Matt, that becoming your friend, one of the early things is that you always made me feel seen, heard, and understood in ways that others before had not. I think it's because you and I both have ADHD, so you kind of naturally knew what I needed. But like I, I, I think when you begin to place more people like that in your life, the RSD can fade away because you're constantly surrounded by people who know both how to treat you.

And then you grow that confidence to not have to have as much validation, as earlier versions of you required.

In fact I have, I've been fighting so hard to be, with this person or to learn this, that I am ignoring the awesomeness that has been next to me the whole time. Right? Like things like that. But I love how, I love how we can find the way that it, it connects to D&D. I love it when that happens.

So please join us. See you next time.