Vanessa P.

This speaker has been recorded at an online meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous. You can email us at contact@AEAinfo.org
I'm Vanessa, I'm an addictive eater. And yeah, it's really nice to be here this evening. Good to see everyone. And yeah, I have a great life today all because of sobriety and Addictive Eaters Anonymous. By myself, I was unable to stop obsessing about food and my weight, my obsession with wanting to be thinner, and binging on large volumes of food and throwing up and over exercising at times, and restricting other times and just the whole different array of addictive eating behaviors. And, yeah, by myself, I I couldn't I couldn't stop that. And I tried. I tried for years. And yeah, just everything I tried seem to just get progressively worse over time. And yeah, I tried I remember the specific self help book. Tried out like a food diary. And after sometimes I binged it was so much food, I couldn't even remember what I'd eaten to write down in this diary thing. And yeah, I just, it just didn't work and tried counseling and, and, and I'm grateful that she admitted that she couldn't help me anymore, because I just got worse. As I was going to her, she watched me get progressively worse. So she admitted she couldn't, she admitted her powerlessness over my addictive eating and suggested I go to a treatment center. And I went to a treatment center for 5 weeks. And in there, I was stealing food from the kitchen and eating it locking myself in the bathroom. And eating it in there on my own. And yeah, just that didn't work, either. But the good thing about it, though, was that I got into, you know, meetings, for food and got to meet many of us here. Some of the members that are in here tonight, and you know, just see them sober and well. And yeah, they were no longer doing what I was doing with food. And yeah, I just remember feeling just, I just wanted that peace or, you know, that freedom from food that I saw they had. And, and yeah, that just made me keep keep coming back to meetings. And yeah, and yeah my eating got worse when I came to meetings. And for me, it just, it took some time to surrender and you know, just for me to fully admit that. Beyond I'm not normal around food, and yeah, but I need someone to help me with what to eat and how much to eat and when to eat it. I was coming to meetings, but kind of asking a few people what they're doing with food and just trying to make up my own food plan. I still was was holding on to the idea that I could you know, I could manage this like I could fix it just you know, ask a few questions do some research and you know, I could I could get it. But I couldn't. I just
yeah, just kept picking up that first one and but and yeah, eventually. Yeah, just there wasn't there was no no relief in the food anymore. And I yeah I was just scratchy, quite painful. Every time I binged and I just really, really wanted to stop. And I remember where like I could see, my friends kind of seem to get on with their lives. And you know, they had relationships and they were doing well in their careers, and they just seem to be getting on with life. And I was just really, really struggling. And
in every area of my life, it just, it wasn't just, you know, binging and obsessing about my weight. And I was really full a full of fear and
really afraid what people thought of me and yeah, just just just so uncomfortable in just being alive. Just being myself.
I just found life really difficult. And, and even, like, relationships and work and friendships and yeah, just yeah, I just loved to be on my own. Because then, you know, when I was on my own with food, I just am, you know, worrying about my boss or obsessing about what I thought somebody was thinking about me and want to start leaving that all kind of just faded away. And I felt kind of safe. But that stopped. It just stopped working. So yeah, so yeah, once that stopped working, I think I was ready to let it go. And there was no payoff in it anymore. And yeah, so yeah, I was ready just to do what was suggested and let go of the idea that I'm a normal eater. I accepted that I wasn't normal around food, and that I needed someone to show me what to do with food. And also be willing to kind of get on this 12 step program. And yeah, get a sponsor. I can't do the go through the 12 steps on my own. I am. Yeah, I need someone that can share their experience of the program with me. And I remember even a lot of the words in the big book had to be explained to me the Alcoholics Anonymous book. And yeah, as a lot of it, I just, I just didn't understand... like a new language. And so yeah, so for someone to bring me through the book and get to the steps and yeah, for the first time, see, see my part in things and yeah, and just see where, where I've been selfish and dishonest. And, you know, been inconsiderate. I was always just so caught up in in myself that I was very unaware how I um affected other people with my, with my eating or drinking and just just my behavior or just yeah, just being inconsiderate I guess. And, and so yeah, it's good to look at that. And yeah, it's just to move away from that kind of blaming my family for things. And so that was that was really freeing for me and yeah, and then just, yeah, just keep going with the program. And, yeah, start to believe and start to see there's a power greater than myself that, you know, can help me stay sober and help me in all areas of my life when I, you know, genuinely ask for help. And just the idea that I'm I don't, I don't have to manage my life anymore. And I remember feeling a lot of relief, and the idea that there was something else greater than me that can take care of my life. I just remember feeling - Ah! - relief that okay, I don't have to try and keep all the balls in the air anymore. And just there's something that will do a better job than me. Because yeah, I was just I was tired of trying to figure it all out. Or just erm... Yeah, just yeah, just yeah. Well, my fear and so I guess, you know, having to replace that fear with faith, I guess. And yeah, just, you know, constantly getting opportunities to, just to trust in God and yeah, not just with food and you know, in keeping me sober and away from that first one, but just just in everything in life and yeah, cuz I've heard hear that God's got that sorted. And yeah. And I did find that really hard. I was going to leave the program because of all mention of higher power and but I wasn't getting well. And, you know, I could hear people at meetings that, you know, were sober and living their lives. And they were mentioning, you know, how they had a dependence on a higher power and I just really thought that that's what I was, I was missing as well.
Yeah, so yeah, so just really grateful to the program. And yeah, as I said, so I have a great life today and just spent some time with my family before I came to the meeting, and
yeah, I just love to be a part of my family now, before and yeah, I just always felt like just didn't belong. And so that's a blessing of sobriety. And yeah, I'm just not constantly worrying so much about what people are thinking about me just it's so self obsessed thinking about that, but yeah, I don't think my life would be better if I'm thinner. And yeah, so just lots of gifts in sobriety today and just I recently moved in with my fiancee and lots of opportunity to you know, think of someone else and yeah, it's it's such a lovely time and that just would not be possible if I was still binging. Just no way. So yeah, just really grateful to the program and just yeah, get to live life today and yeah, not be obsessed with with food. So just great to have this program in my life. So thanks.