Vanessa P.

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This speaker has been recorded at an online meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous. You can email us at contact@AEAinfo.org

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I'm Vanessa, I'm an addictive eater. And I'm grateful to be here to get to share my story with everyone. And grateful to be sober today. When I was preparing my dinner this evening, I was just thinking how different it is today with food on like, you know, for normal working day, and I just remembered how, like at lunchtime my last job before I came to meetings, the office was above a supermarket. And every lunchtime, I used to go to the supermarket and walk up and down the aisles and take food off the shelf and eat it while I was walking around. And then put the wrappers behind other things on the shelf. Because I couldn't really afford the, the well, I guess, I liked to kind of eat all the - or steal - all the expensive food but didn't like to pay... only wanted to pay for the cheap stuff. So, so yeah, I used to spend that my lunchtime break. And then I'd be back at work after lunch and I'd be you know, I would have vomited afterwards. So I would be a bit lightheaded and I wouldn't be able to really focus on my work or meet my deadlines. And that was just like my anxiety worse and then I probably would binge again in work and, and then on the way home I used to stop in shops as well or a restaurant. There was an all you can eat buffet on my way home. And yeah, so that was most, most days, most working days. And I had a housemate and I just used to tell her that I had a lot of overtime and that's why I was really late coming back from work every evening. But I was actually just on my own just eating after work. And yeah, it was a very miserable place and very, very lonely. And I spent a lot of time just on my own with food and I think of it now so much time wasted really but anyway, that's what I did. And you know, I wanted to stop... I um, I knew it was affecting my life and affecting my relationships, my friendships, I knew it was making my work more difficult. And I wanted to stop but, but I, I, I couldn't.  This was kind of in my late 20s now, it started in my late teens. And I would try, I'd replicate - today is going to be different, right Vanessa you know, just stay away from this, just eat this. Don't eat after this time. And all these, try and come up with all these schemes not to binge and purge for the day, but I might get a day or two or not. But, I remember I used to get this feeling that my skin was crawling you know, that I just had to eat and nothing would come between me once, once I'd made that decision that I was going to eat and I have to eat, nothing, nothing would stop me. And I get that ease and comfort once I started eating, like everything's okay now... but then afterwards you know that terrible remorse and shame and guilt. I can't believe you did it again. You're such a pig. You're so fat.

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And, um. Um.

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So I, I remember a few times I would convince myself Oh, oh my throats so sore from throwing up, I dont know what I need. I just need to go to the shop and get some yogurt or stuff that will really helped. But then that just set me off another binge. So, just on this constant circle, really cycle of it. Anyway, just grateful it got really painful. And I didn't get that you know, comfort anymore from it, it was just, it was just pain and I couldn't stop. I couldn't even get those days or a day or two anymore. It was just, it was just out of control. And I knew I needed help. So eventually, I got into the rooms AEA and I had to admit that I had been beaten by food and that I wasn't a normal eater. And that I couldn't do it my way... that my ways of trying to cut out certain foods or whatever schemes I had, it just wasn't working. I remember there was a time I didn't even have any food in the house of nothing. Because if I had any food I'd just binge on it, I remember my brother coming over and going to my friend's fridge and there was just ketchup, mayonnaise, or mustard or a couple of things. That's all I had. And yeah, I thought it was funny. But now I think back that yeah, just, I couldn't have any food around. But now I have a full fridge and yeah, it doesn't talk to me, I don't feel have to eat it in one go. But yeah, that's from eventually surrendering and realizing yeah, as I said, that I can't, can't do this on my own I needed help. And yeah, I got to... came to meetings and I just, I just really remember hearing members sharing about how it was for them and that they weren't doing it anymore and they just seemed to be free of the food and seemed to be living their life - I wasn't living my life; I was living to eat really and I just really wanted what they had, you know and it just it just gave me a lot of hope. I felt really hopeless for a few years and so it's definitely what kept me coming back in those early days and you know I was still eating and um but yeah, I kept coming back. And um yeah, I got a sponsor and got on the program and yeah I did the twelve steps and yeah, and just yeah, I got to yeah, fully yeah, fully admit to myself that I'm powerless over food and I need a Higher Power that I, on my own just doesn't work, and I need a Power Greater than myself and I found that really hard to kind of grasp early on but, I think some more eating really helped me realize that like I needed something outside of myself that will help me and yes, a sponsor can't stop me, it has to be from a Higher Power so.... yeah, basically a tiny bit of willingness and that kind of, just kind of grew I guess. Prayer and meditation helps with that and just yeah, just try to open my mind to it I guess. And yeah, just I guess just grow slowly, it grew slowly for me anyway. And yeah, and then I have, I had experience with restricting food within my food plan and so yeah, I had to realize that you know, the food plan isn't everything, it's in that surrender and and I hadnt really, I hadnt fully surrendered so yeah, to really surrender my weight and just yeah, just get honest with what I was doing with my food plan and

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yeah, so um, so Im sober today now a few years and yeah, just yeah, just great. Even you know, as these charges the difference in my day, and I got to, had a deadline today and got to finish, got that done and in the food I just, I just couldn't meet deadlines and get to have my meals on time today and nothing more, nothing less and I don't think about food in between my meals. Before you know, it just was such a massive part of my life and now I feel I have life in between my meals and yeah, but a really, really great life today and just really grateful to the program and all the members - I can't do it without the members of this program and so grateful to all their time and just sponsorship as well and just getting to hear that their sponsors experience and just the wisdom and yeah, so. So yeah, it's a great life in AEA I am just really grateful to be sober. So thanks.