Trine L.

This speaker has been recorded at an online meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous. You can email us at contact@AEAinfo.org
My name is Trine and I'm an addictive eater. And it's great to be here. Before the meeting started, I felt so tired that I think I'm not able to stay awake tonight. But sitting here, I'm quite awake, everything is fine. And that is just showing me not to trust what goes on in my mind. And just, get ahead with it. And, and luckily, in this fellowship, AEA, I've learned that.
I just this afternoon now read a story in our book, Alcoholics Anonymous, where in this this woman tells talks about the keys to the kingdom and she talks about there's a new sense of belonging and and to be needed to be loved and not to be alone anymore and and I was just thinking, oh, yeah, that's actually true today, I get a sense of belonging here in this fellowship that I haven't experienced before. Because I took very much pride in being very special and being a loner, and I discovered by doing my fourth step in AEA that that was actually... I would have sworn that wasn't something that I choose to do, but I could see others do stuff and I would just not find it interesting not just not want to be a part of that even as a child they were playing and they would say ‘Come‘ and I would say ‘No‘, because that was not the game I wanted to play. So I have just been very occupied with telling others ‘Oh we need to play this, we need to do that‘ and you get a bit lonely because some will play that game for some time but then they will get bored and want to do what the rest of the gang does and I have pictures from school where everybody's playing like football or something and I'm out there in the field doing my own stuff. And and I really I lived very much in my own imagination in my own head in my own dreams and an often I felt like ‘Oh it's actually easier just to be here.‘ It's actually easier just to be alone with my self and my thoughts and not being interrupted with all the others not quite getting what it's all about. For sure not not what I wanted it to be about. And
yeah
and I remember making amends to an old teacher where she talked about me as a child and she said nobody was as stubborn as you Trine your mom could not make you do anything you weren't hadn't set your mind up to. And I thought urghhh, sounds a bit oh, really?! Because I thought I had I thought oh it was a hard childhood and they didn't want to play with me and I was alone and but I can really true a thorough thoughts that I could really start to see a pattern there that I want things done my way or or not at all and yeah, why am I talking so much about it? Because that's it's just been such a relief... because that feeling and all the addiction and the food it was just building up I mean, I when I heard here in AEA that addiction swap from one thing to another, I could really relate. And I could just see, I always thought I have something with food not not very  much. Because I've been starving for some periods, and then it was like it took over. But then there was these periods where I had it. And it was working. And I was so thrilled. And then something happened and it would all just burst and, and for me with food, it was also this, like a hiding game that if you didn't see it, it didn't happen. So a lot of it happened on my own. With myself alone, and yeah. It's just a very lonely way to be. And I always, when something didn't go my way I always got angry with with... yeah, with my weight, I always found that that might be the cause of what happened. And even nobody, no matter what we were talking about, I would some how in my head, in my thinking, make it all about the weight. Yeah.
And yeah. And I just didn't think there was anything to do. But
I came to another food fellowship for many years. And I tried to control and didn't really work for me. But then I met some some members of AEA and they told me about this freedom they had from food, and a freedom in their life. And and what struck me most that was that there was some kind of a light feeling and a happy feeling about their life, they kind of sounded like they were excited about their life. And they were willing to talk to me about it. And they made sure that if I wanted it, and I was welcome to to come back and to hear more. And if not, that was fine. Because that was this. And that really, I've nobody tried to persuade me here. I had to ask. Myself. If, if I could get help? And I have a story of many years in AA and not drinking. So it took some time because I thought I knew it all. I thought I knew the the book I ... the program and I did but I didn't, I didn't know how to make it work in my life. And and then to to work through this program to read the big book and to work the steps that really made a huge change in my life. Yeah, and has given me a whole new sense of freedom and belonging. And yeah.
I think if you're new, try to come back and see if you can relate.
And yeah. There's much on offer here. And for me, it has surely changed my life and my perspective. And I remember just being - I will finish up on that - a bit shocked when somebody finished a phone call saying, ‘Oh yeah, go out there and enjoy life.‘ Because I always thought that life should be a bit hard. You know, if you ask me, ‘How are you Trine?‘ I would say ‘Not so good.‘ I would not ..! There could be absolutely nothing wrong!! But I would just feel (sighs) ...oh... it's heavy. And if somebody at work said to me, ‘Oh, you look a bit pale.‘ I would go home. I would say ‘I'm feeling sick‘ and I would go home I would leave. It would be insane. I wouldn't be sick. But if somebody just said ‘Hmm, you look a bit pale‘ ...Gone! So there was here in AEA I had to learn a whole new discipline of work ethics and showing up and being present and work at work and be with my family. And I was so I mean, I was so thrilled with myself when I started making food for my, my husband and daughter. And I was told that's a very normal thing to do. It's not like we need to celebrate it. It's a common thing. But for me, it was just, like this every-day, things were just not something I did. And I think my husband has started to getting used to it, but he's still surprised that I tidy up after myself, I clean up after myself. You cannot see wherever I've been in the house. And you could do that before because I was so burdened that I could not clean. I tell you, if I done something in the kitchen, that would be enough. I‘ve had enough on my shoulders! (laughs) And it's not like that today. And yeah, that's just great. And, and what I never thought is that I was sort of ‘wake up‘. Because before I was all so lie... I would need many times the day to lie down sleep, and relax, exhausted, just from I don't know, even what I was doing. I was just exhausted, exhausted, even when I got up. And today, it's not like that. And I remember sitting at colleagues and I would wonder ‘How can you sit up on the chair a whole day?‘ I couldn't! I had to lay down I was so tired. All the time. Not the periods where I took amphetamines and then but, um, but, yeah. No. Life is good. I hope somebody could use some of that. Thank you for asking me to share.