Sian L.

This speaker has been recorded at an online meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous, you can email us at contact@AEAinfo.org.

0:14  
My name is Sian and I am an addictive eater and thank you for asking me to speak first this evening, it's lovely to be at a meeting. It's always a privilege to be at a meeting. And I just, I just really love this fellowship. And I love the the 12 step program within the fellowship, and it is absolutely changed my life. And I believe I have such a better life because of it. I always was enthralled by food. From a very, very young age as early as I can remember. I loved, I loved eating, I loved the secrecy around food, I ate a certain way in front of my family and friends. But on my own, I had another secret life with foods. I loved the hiding it. Stealing money for food. And yeah, I just went to great lengths to get my hands on it. And, and then to hide the evidence of what I had eaten. And if I wasn't eating, I was thinking about eating and just couldn't wait to get that next bite. And I remember hearing somebody at this fellowship talking about how they used to eat in the bathroom. And it struck me that, gosh, I used to do that as well. You know, I used to eat in the bathroom. Really strange places. And there was a there was a cupboard that held all the gym equipment in our school. And I used to hide food in there and at break time when all the kids would be going out to play I used to sneak into this cupboard and I‘d sit in there and I‘d just eat... just just was enthralled by it and hated the effects. I wasn't a particularly sporty child. So I hated the effect of the weight gain. But that's, that's what happened for me. I was a tubster child I had, I had the rolls, and you know, but I hated it. I was really self conscious. And didn't like people looking at me. And yeah, and it just it just made me feel really uncomfortable. I often are to the point where I would be sick and would you know, be sick and then go back for more. You know, just just that endless, endless want for more. Yes, something happened for me in my teens, I discovered dieting and found that I lost weight quite quickly. And I discovered that weight loss happened for me through exercise. And I had also joined a diet club Weight Watchers and you know, was given a I suppose an allowance of food I could eat based on my height and my weight at that time and my thinking just kicked in and I thought well if I just eat half of what they're saying then I'll lose weight quicker and if I just ate a quarter of what they're saying then I'll lose weight even quicker and the whole kind of obsession with wanting to eat flicked to wanting to not eat anything at all. And yeah, so yeah, just just had a had a really, I suppose this, this tough, difficult mind of mine. And this battle with inside my head all the time of wanting to eat and wanting to be thin and lose weight at the same time.

5:01  
And it just went beyond my control. You know, when I when I got to a point where I wanted to stop doing all the things that I was doing, when I wanted to stop the, the racing mind. By that time I had started taking, I'd started using alcohol and drugs and sex and shopping. And there were a whole other ream of other substances that were causing my life to be pretty chaotic and unmanageable. And by the time I wanted that to come to an end, I just couldn't I couldn't stop. And yeah, it just, as I said earlier, enthralled and consumed by it all. And it was pointed out to me that, that I couldn't stop talking about these things that I couldn't stop behaving in this way. And it was suggested to me that I needed help, which I didn't like very much. But I could see that I did need help. And I started down the road of counseling and went to a rehab and residential rehab for five weeks. And I went to aftercare programs. And it was through those that I was introduced to 12 step fellowship. And yeah, I suppose like, I got, I, I went, and I got identification, maybe that gave me a bit of hope that I kept coming back. But I didn't experience any sort of peace of mind, or real peace of mind, or any sort of solution or any sort of freedom. It was, it was more just a sense of, okay, I'm not on my own. And that kind of maybe ticked me over to the next stage. I went to another meeting, but I was just very, very, I guess, sad. I felt I just felt sad all the time. And yeah, I went to enough meetings, I kept coming back to enough meetings until I eventually landed on the door of a 12 step fellowship, where there are members here in Addictive Eaters Anonymous, that were there, then my very first meeting. And I don't really know what I heard, I can't really remember the kind of, I suppose distinctive words, but one member did approach me at the end of that meeting and asked me ‘Was I willing to go to any lengths to get well?‘ And I thought at that moment, I was, but I needed more time. And eventually, eventually, I did come back and ask for help. And I asked that one woman would she sponsor me and you know, something within that changed me, I believe, there was a change that happened. Not big beams of light, but just certainly a surrender that wasn't there before. And I had a, a willingness just to go to any lengths. One of the manifestations of the disease of addiction and how it manifests in me is huge, how it was, for me was huge fear, I had a lot of fear, fear, mostly of what people thought of me, and you know, could that consumed by self. And, you know, the 12 steps have helped change so many areas of my life, not just my addictions to certain substances, you know, it's, it's helped me with seeing how I behave, and my attitudes and my beliefs that were driving me in a way that wasn't useful to me and to other people around me, and how I needed to change. And it helped me see the harms that I had caused mostly to other people. And again, that was another willingness to change. There was another there was another want to change those things. And, you know, I just never thought that it would be possible to find sobriety.

9:50  
I just didn't think that that existed. And I saw it happen and occur in other people. It was just such an incredible experience of hope. And you know, my life today has changed. It looks very different today, I'm not as consumed by self as I, as I was once, not completely rid of it either. But you know, I don't have that obsession today to want to eat and use other substances. I understand today what it means to be sober, which I didn't understand when I came here first, you know, these are things that I've learned. And I believe that there is something bigger than me, working in my life. I call a Higher Power is something that keeps me sober a day at a time. I'm very thankful that I haven't felt the need to go anywhere else to look for help. I still believe that I'm an addictive eater. That I'll be an addictive eater, till the day I die. And but I have a program of recovery that works for me. And yeah, I started off by just saying how much I I love this program, and I love the fellowship. It's just so much a part of who I am today and part of my life and part of my family's life as a result. And yeah, it's, it's just just incredible the help that I get here. So I'm very pleased to just have this fellowship around me. You know, I've never been turned away even with some of the crazy things that I've had going on in my life or in my head mostly, but I've never been shunned away and always been received with such grace. So yeah, I'm thankful for, for being able to be here. Thanks for asking me to share