Sian L.

This speaker has been recorded at an online meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous, you can email us at contact@AEAinfo.org
My name is Sian and I am an addictive eater. Lovely to see you all this evening at the meeting. Yeah. I've had a very nice full day today. And I was asked to share my story earlier on today. And I have with the afternoon being as busy as it was, I haven't had any time to rehearse, in my head, what I'm going to say tonight, so that's hopefully a good thing. I was in my family home this morning and had a bit of time with my younger sister. And during COVID, she dug out boxes upon boxes of old family photographs. And she had decided to put them into a huge big album, two big albums, and she wanted to show them to me. And there were photographs of me in there as a child, and I can remember being in those places, and family trips and occasions and, you know, just day-to-day sort of photographs, but and I'm smiling in them. But I, I can remember even as such a young child, just always thinking about wanting to eat all the time. And I was a very big, overweight child, as well when I look at those photographs. Because my addictive eating was there from the very, very beginning. And I would have done a lot of stealing of food, hiding of food, eating in secret, and just had this complete and utter secret life with food. And but how it showed on my body was not a secret, it was pretty obvious. But yeah, I just I just always wanted to eat all the time. And I got pleasure, I suppose out of .... at that time. At that time, I would have got pleasure, a bit of a buzz about getting the stash whatever that stash of food was, ah to myself. But I do remember as a kid always comparing myself to others. And being very self conscious of my body and how I looked. And so in my teens, when I had a little bit more independence, and I was going out a bit more on my own, I suppose that's when I would have started exercising would have been when I started dieting. And and it was it was just like a drug for me. I just it was like the table's turned, I still wanted to eat all the time, but the drive to lose weight be thin, was on! And when I lost a lot of weight, I gained a lot of attention. And I really really loved that too. Because for the first time it gave me that maybe a sense of belonging, I suppose or feeling a part of just... loved the attention it brought. But what happened for me was I had crossed that invisible line that was spoken about and when it comes to addiction and being thin, whatever weight I got to just wasn't enough. Whatever diet I was on, I had to manipulate it and pull the strings to lose more weight from week to week. My mood was determined by what was on the scale. So whether I was up or down, and the secret life that I had with eating became a secret life of sneaking out in the middle of the night, early hours in the morning to be going out exercising and it became noticeable and the mood swings that I would have, you know could have been put down to just being a moody teenager but they were extreme and I was pretty uncomfortable to be around. You know, because I could be fine one minute and then I go to the bedroom or the bathroom stand on the scales and come back a totally different person, sometimes quite irate. But I wouldn't be able to tell you what I had been doing. Tried to induce vomiting, and using pills to control my weight. And we would have been around that time that I would have started drinking. And I again, like being an addictive eater, I again, I just believe I was born alcoholic, that all I needed was the alcohol to get me going, it was just the fuel. And you know, alcohol made me violently sick. But I can still recall being in that sick phase and thinking, I can't wait to do this again. I was quite promiscuous, I was started taking painkillers, of spending money that I didn't have. And always looking for that next thing that's gonna fill this void or this emptiness inside of me. And I just, I just assumed that that's how it was always going to be and never occurred to me that things were ever going to be any different. But my behavior, my attitude, my personality change, became quite noticeable amongst family members. And I suppose from their journey, it began of trying to get some help. And that help involved, some counseling, quite a lot of counseling, treatment center, aftercare programs, 12 step meetings, you know, and quite tedious, trying to keep up with all of that. And I began going to meetings and I thought that that's what recovery was, I thought, if I just went to enough meetings, I was, you know, working this program, I did hear a bit about sponsorship, I suppose, and 12 steps, but I just thought I'd get by by just going to enough meetings. But I came to this fellowship of members, I came upon it, I suppose, when I was 23. I'm nearly 39 now, so quite a few years ago, not by by the standards of some members in this fellowship. But that's how long ago it was now and it wasn't quite beaten when I first was introduced to this fellowship. But in in a relatively short space, I knew that the seed had been planted, I knew that there were people who had found a way to live, where they weren't doing what I was doing. And it fascinated me, it intrigued me, it disturbed me. But after trying to continue doing what I was doing, I was just willing to ask for some help. And it turned out that I needed a lot of help. But I thought that all I needed was help with my food. It's kind of I suppose it's paradoxical, like the gift of desperation, surrender. And it's been worded in different ways. But my experience was, there was just an overpowering willingness to do exactly what I was told. No fight, no argument, just a, just a desire just to get well. And, and I think I knew how sick I was in my thinking as well, which helped me at that time, because I knew I needed to, I needed something that was gonna help me with my thinking. So that's how I suppose a surrender came for me, and nobody could have pushed me there. It just came from within. And I began, you know, working this program properly, and asked a woman to sponsor me, and I heard about this God of our own understanding at meetings. And that really, you know, caused me a lot of turmoil because because of all the addiction and the years of it, I was just blocked off from any of that concept of spirituality or higher power. And she suggested something that really just opened that window that door just just a fraction. She said, You know, ''we use the group, use the members. You know, here they are, you know, they've been sober from all substances a long time, you know, there must be something working in their lives.'' And that really, really helped me, it was my beginning. And,
and the other thing that really helped me was the fear, the fear of, you know, once I got a little bit of time where I wasn't using any substances, and the fear of, of picking up again, really kept me moving for quite a number of years. And when I say moving, I mean, getting on and working the steps and trying to help somebody else and, you know, just just really getting getting through the day and asking this higher power for help to stay sober. And bit by bit, then I got to experience what was happening in the big book, you know, the promises that are outlined pretty much throughout the whole of the big book. The obsession to want to eat and to lose weight and to change how I was began to lift relatively quickly, I would say, and, and I just began to experience freedom, freedom in my mind from wanting to use and you know, and freedom from the isms, the lying, the manipulation of others, the self seeking, the the all those kind of isms that were in me, you know, trying to scheme different things or rationalizing or justifying my behavior, my, you know, I would say, probably my judgment of others took longer and still, you know, I need the help today, with those with those isms. Life is, is very different in comparison to how it used to be when I first came here, I think this program teaches me and shows me how how to want to be a better person, how to go by thinking of other people, and, and I believe that all of that is, is God, as I understand God, and, and that concept has has changed over the years and has become deeper and greater. And, you know, the gift of this fellowship and the members of it in my life is is huge. When I get to speak to a member, whether they're relatively new, or they're years around, I come away from either spending time with them or being on the phone with them and I feel different, you know, I feel lighter, and I feel a part of the human race. And it's, it's just such a joy to have it in my life, you know, and yeah, so I think I'll leave it there for this evening, and I wish everybody well and thank you for asking me to share.