Serena L.

This speaker has been recorded at an online meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous, you can email us at contact@AEAinfo.org
My name is Serena, I'm an addictive eater. And it's lovely to have a meeting to come to thanks to the members who do service at this meeting, and lovely to see newcomers and people who are around
years as well. I'm an addictive eater. For me, that means I'm powerless over food. I've a head that could bring me back to eating. And for me, my experience was one or two just wasn't enough.
I couldn't keep my promises around food. Things that I thought would make me stop addictively eating like putting on more and more weight, not being able to fit into clothes, I knew I should be able to fit into, having a wedding to go to. These things did not stop me addictively eating. And I didn't realize until I came to Addictive Eaters Anonymous and heard people talking about the obsession of the mind the physical allergy, this spiritual malady that that was what my problem was, that I have a head that untreated will come up with an excuse to pick up that first one. And, and sometimes there were no excuses, I'd just find myself addictively eating, and where other people might feel full and feel satisfied, I could eat a large volume of food and still feel hungry. And logically, I knew I just can't be hungry just can't be. But I absolutely was. And those binges would go until the food would run out, or they'd just eventually stop. But it wasn't me kind of rubbing my hands together and saying, there there, I'm satisfied, that's fine, I'm happy. So I could see that I didn't eat, like people I knew around me, I could see people in my family, you know, could have their dinner could have a bit of dessert and be genuinely satisfied. That wasn't me, I was the person lurking in the kitchen afterwards. To get a bit of this a bit of that. I was the person who, you know, was up before other people having my breakfast and having more cereal, and then toast and then a biscuit and another biscuit. And that's what I was like. And there were times where I thought I was doing okay. And there were the times where I was just eating what other people would regard as healthy food or as doing a bit of exercise. Or just not, you know, mightn't have binged in a while. But I look back now and see that even in those times, the obsession was still there. And how can I eat? How can I be thin? How can I be cool? And a lot of thinking about me, what do other people think of me? How will I cope? How will I manage? And I hadn't a hard life. But that was the way I thought. And I was just just before we came on, I just opened the AA big book. And there's stories at the back of that book. And one of the stories was Gratitude In Action. And the person who wrote the story said, ''...I was afraid my friends wouldn't like me if I didn't do as they did. I knew firsthand that mysterious state of people who appear to be sure of themselves but are actually eaten alive with fear inside.'' So I had the confidence to travel I had the confidence to go to college, do my job, pay the rent. But I wouldn't have seen it. And I didn't realize that I was also full of fear. And it was mainly yeah, full of fear of what other people think of me. How would I manage in that situation? If I was invited somewhere socially could be to a nice occasion, I could think of who's going to be there? Who will I have to talk to? And often my head would go to 'I don't want to go'. Who would have to die for me to get out of this? Rather than what we learn here is you know, what can I add to how can I contribute to this occasion? And so I didn't see it as fear. I just felt it as hunger. And it wasn't until I came here and got to do the steps. And saw that I'd plenty of resentments and plenty of fears and plenty of behavior that all revolved around me, what suits me and that I got to see the causes and conditions of my eating. And because I'm an addict you know, just yeah, picking up, the first one lead to the second one and the third one and the fourth one. So I'm just glad it got bad enough. I'm glad I got to a place where I realized I was absolutely beaten. And that was after trying to stop doing what I was doing, but not being able to stop after going beyond a weight that I thought would make me stop, I stopped weighing myself and, and realizing that there was nothing on the outside that could explain why I was eating the way I was eating. And thankfully, when that happened, I had seen a notice that said 'Is food a problem for you?' And it was on a flyer in a library. And I used to walk by that flyer. And eventually I wrote down the number and eventually I made a phone call. And when I made that first phone call, I had the experience of realizing this woman knows what it's like she knows what it's like to be me the way I am around food. And that was a powerful experience for me, because I just hadn't had that experience before. And I had been so secretive about my eating, and I hadn't been open with my family or my friends about what I what I did. And out of that I ended up being 12 stepped by a woman, which means she met me. I met her in her house, actually. And she shared her story with me. And I just found that powerful. I thought I was going to be talking about me. But actually what happened was, she shared her story with me and I related to it. And I went to a face to face meeting after meeting her. And those first few meetings I found quite intense. Because people were sharing about stuff that I kept secret for years and years and years. And I also think found it intense, because it's like letting the cat out of the bag. Admitting that I really have a problem. I did not want to have a problem with food. I did not want to be somebody who couldn't manage her food. But I am. I'm somebody who on her own can't manage her food. So thankfully, through more eating, I was going to meetings, but I hadn't stopped addictively eating, I asked a woman to be my sponsor. And why did I do that? Because I heard other people talking about it. And because I although I was full of fear, the fear of going on the way I was going on just just got a little bit less than the fear of asking her to be my sponsor. And at that point, I remember thinking, if she tells me to eat screws three times a day, and go round a mulberry bush backwards, that's what she does. I'm prepared to do that. And it wasn't like that. She gave suggestions about what meetings to go to people to ring. And she advised me what to eat and when to eat. And I was to ring her every day. And that was that was the start. So I'm just glad that I found people who had found a way out. And my life today, in ways looks similar to what it was before I come into recovery. And in other ways it's completely different. I've had a week off work, and it's just been lovely. I've got to spend time with my parents and they live in the country. I live in Dublin now. And just got to be in their home, enjoy their company enjoy seeing them with my my little daughter. And that was a house that I did a lot of bingeing in and it was a house that I thought I'm going to have to stop going there if every time I go there eat like that. You know, and this week, I didn't have to eat their foods. I just ate off my food plan. Okay, like I do today. And I get to see them differently. They're they're great people. But I get to see them just with new eyes and see just how wonderful they have been to me. So yeah, great parents, they didn't have a you know, they wouldn't have a solution for addictive eating at times. They, I think struggle to understand it. But at the same time, you know, they've been really supportive of me getting to meetings. Minding Islan when I'd need to make a phone call. Doing what I do, you know, having my meals at certain times, weighing and measuring my foods. So really, I couldn't ask for better parents. And today, you know, back in Dublin and I can be in the kitchen on my own. I'm not there thinking, 'Oh, now's the chance for me to eat!' You know when there's no other adults in the kitchen and and that's not the way it used to be. People used to be inconvenient to my eating, they come back into the kitchen, and I wouldn't be pleased to see them. And now people can come and go. It's absolutely fine. So
yeah. So, yeah, if you're new, you too might find a way out here. And certainly didn't have to do me any harm to start coming to meetings and just see, see what was here. And, yeah, and if you're, you know, maybe struggling, you know, there's been times I've struggled in recovery, but just to be given the grace to go to another meeting, to be given the grace to pick up the phone, and just begin again, just begin again, what do I need to do today? For today, I need to have my meals on time, have no more no less, get to my meeting for the day, to ring my sponsor, ring my sponsor, keep in touch with other members, I just keep needing to hear this message every day. And on any given day, I can get into myself, get fearful, get worried, think about the future. And just find it powerful that, pick up the phone, and another member shares with me, it just settles it. I get to, I get to believe I get to hear my higher power speaking through other people. And just yeah, shedding a bit of light on whatever is going on in my head. So I just want to read the a little bit at the end of that story as well. It's on page 199. And it says ''...I also know that in the future I do not have to drink (or to eat). I want to keep this life of peace, serenity, and tranquility that I have found.'' And at the very end, it says ''I shall keep all that, and I won't have to drink, if I remember one simple thing: to keep my hand in the hand of God.'' And for me, what does that look like? It looks like trying to do a little bit of prayer and meditation. It looks like hearing other members share about recovery. It looks like coming to meetings and hearing that message of recovery and getting to it and just enjoying the people in my life. And for me, you know, can I just be grateful for things being different and not having to eat myself to to, to death the way I was. So yeah, the life I have today is absolutely thanks to a higher power and recovery. It absolutely isn't isn't me. So, thank you for a place to come and thank you to all the members who have
shared with me. Yeah, over the days and the weeks and and longer. Yeah. So it's a privilege to be here and looking forward to hearing other members. Thank you.