September Speaker

This speaker has been recorded at an online meeting of Addictive Eaters Anonymous, you can email us at contact@AEAinfo.org
Hi, everyone. Yeah, when I heard people in AEA, just say that they were fascinated by by food, I could, I could relate to that. But I think for me, the word was ‘self conscious‘. And I was always self conscious around food in... I remember, in primary school, every birthday birthday, the teacher would give like a homework pass for everyone, and then invite the parents to bring like a cake to the school to celebrate. And it would often be like a chocolate swiss roll, or a chocolate cake, something something nice. And my mom would also also always bring, like fortune cookies. And that was just something that was really like novel, everyone kind of found it exciting to have like a cookie and like a fortune in it. And I got a lot of attention from that. And I always felt like part of, because every year then after, after that, everyone was super excited about me being the kid that would bring the fortune cookies for for the birthdays. But then in secondary school, as well, in terms of the food, my mom would also pack me my school lunches. And it would go the other way where she packed me a tuna and sweetcorn sandwich. But it would be without the mayo. And it would be in my bag until lunchtime. And I'd always get really anxious, and really nervous unwrapping the tin foil and then the clingfilm and just being kind of paranoid that the smell was coming from it, and that everyone my classmates would, would judge me for it. And that everyone was looking at me. And in college, as well, just being overly obsessed, and always thinking about food, too, because I studied nutrition in college, and I got a good sense of power, knowing that I had control - I could pick, pick whatever I wanted to eat in college and just impress my peers and people people in my class and outside of it. But how did I come to find AEA? I saw the flyer that said, ‘Are you obsessed with food?‘ First in college, and I didn't didn't didn't bat an eyelid at it. But then when I was returning a book to a library in town, I saw the same flyer again, ‘Are you obsessed with food?‘ And I guess that caught my attention. But I justified it initially saying that, you know, of course I have to think about food, it's part of part of my coursework, it's part of what what I do. So just always having like, an identity around the food as ‘the foodie‘ or ‘the health expert‘. And I related a lot to when the book big book was being read and having like a double life or just an actor trying to lead and present myself in one way in front of other people. But deep down, I just couldn't stop obsessing and thinking about food. And it was predominantly like how can I be healthy? But still, at the same time really wanting to just be able to eat chocolate and dessert. And I went to my first face to face AEA meeting after getting in touch with with with the phone number on the flyer, and I didn't keep coming back because I thought the meeting setup was weird.
I just found a few of the members piece of it unnerving I didn't think that, you know, people were always talk- I didn't think people talked that calmly. And yeah, again, just having a lot of judgments around it and immediately thinking like if it made me feel uncomfortable, or intimidating, then I just needed to run away and it wasn't for me. So I went away and that was about three and a half years ago and just continued to do my own thing still in and out of the food obsessing a lot about you know, when should I restrict? When should I? When can I eat then in secret away from from my friends? And that got amplified and worsened, about a year and a half ago during the lockdown period and I just planned my days around food, even at work, I just couldn't focus because I just couldn't wait for lunch break. And I used my full lunch break as like opportunities because this is what's regarded as a lunchtime period, then this is the time I get to eat as much as I want. And I just always remember being so uncomfortably full all the time, and just irritated and really restless, with everything, and everyone around me and I share a lot about my relationship with my mom at meetings and she just got them got the worst of, of my addictive eating. Because I, whenever I felt a lot of shame or anger at myself for not being able to control my food, I would just take it out on her. I would blame her for like being around when I wanted to use the kitchen and cook. But I would also blame her for, you know, trying to, to prevent me from going to restaurants like she would comment that ‘you're you're eating out an awful lot‘. And I thought you said like you wanted to like stop with the chocolates. And I‘d just go on the defensive. And so I started coming back to meetings, because in college again, I saw the same flyer, ‘Are you obsessed with food?‘ At this point, I'd already talked to counselors, talked to friends, I've read a lot of self help books that like yeah, I just focus a lot on how to how to eat well, and intermittent fasting and all sorts of things to try and get the food under control. But the more I did that, the more I lost control. And I was just really driven to, to get it right. And no one was going to stop me with that. So at this point, yep, I found the member again, and she said they'd moved to online meetings. And still I was really skeptical because I thought you can't get well, just on Zoom meetings, you can't get well, you know, on the phone, it needs to be in person. But yet, because of that inability to just, you know, give complete surrender, I still kept obsessing about food. And yeah, I still lived in a lot of fear and a lot of shame about my eating that I couldn't admit it to someone else. Even though I was hearing at the meetings, that people didn't obsess about food and didn't have to think about it. I was in a way quite, quite jealous of that. Like, why aren't I getting better because I'm still going to meetings. But from that, I guess that experience showed me that I just need to live the way that's described in this program in the big book and do the whole thing 100%. And I can't just you know, shy away from, you know, phoning other sober members and also asking for for help when I when I know I need it. And that comes to me through a sponsor, because yeah, I grew up with a faith would have gone to church quite regularly, but I still couldn't stop obsessing about food. And I did believe in God, I had no problem with the mention of God in Addictive Eaters Anonymous. But I just wasn't willing to admit that to another human being. And I think my first step to complete surrender was to just pick up the phone and ask someone to be a sponsor to be my sponsor, and just to be honest, about what I would have done with the food and what I would have just said to my mom, just behaviors that I would have been really shameful about because I was really angry and really bitter.
And yeah, just the self consciousness, I just had to surrender like, why do I care so much about what what people think? And I can still that fear can still come up today but I know what to do with it now I can just hand that over to my higher power and I only get shown this through my sponsor and through other sober members to remind me of it - I wouldn't be able to do that on my own... And then why do I keep coming back? Yeah, just for for that reason that I need those reminders I'm a better person when I come to meetings and just want to keep in close contact with what other sober members and yeah, I find I'm not as as self conscious around food. I don't obsess about it. And you know, I don't wake up the one thing I wanted from coming to AEA was just just to not wake up in  the morning feeling so full from the food from the night before. But still not being able to control myself and stop thinking about what is the first thing that I want to eat at breakfast? And I would tell myself on awakening to I would just have one slice of bread with avocado, and that will be my breakfast, because I was so full. And then I‘d justify it with silly excuses and reasons of ‘let‘s just make it an avocado sandwich‘ and put another slice of bread on top of that. And then, because the craving was just so strong, I'd justify ‘I need a bit of protein‘. So let's just put peanut butter on it. And then I need to end it with something sweet. So let's just put a bit of jam on a slice of bread. And before I know it, yeah, that would just be the whole pan. And I don't... Yeah, I don't do that today. And I think what gives me a lot of joy is just seeing the results of, you know, just being able to call my mom and not push her away. And to just speak to her as if she were a friend. And I learned that from other members and with the help I get from AEA. And yeah, I yeah, just I think there's one member that always says that she's never had it so good. And yeah, that that really is just the case for me. I'm just very happy and grateful not to be eating addictively and just yeah, really happy to be here. So I'll leave it there.