Robyn S.

This story has been recorded at an Addictive Eaters Anonymous meeting in New Zealand, you can email us at contact@AEAnz.org
On the first Friday of the month we have a speaker and tonight it‘s Robyn. 
Thank you, Tina. My name is Robyn, I'm an addictive eater. It's one way of getting your heart to race a bit faster, isn't it when it gets close to the end of the readings? Yeah, my first meeting that I came to, I heard hope. I heard that people that were at the meeting, were had done what I was doing with food. And and I had never met anyone else. I read an ad in the paper, because it was some time ago, many one days ago, before the modern way of doing things today. And I asked some ladies that I was working with, and they told me it was a religious program. One of them said to me, I think you'll find it's religious. So she said that word that you know, I wiped straightaway, because I wasn't having anyone preach, beeping God to me. So that went by the by. And a few weeks later, and a few crazy weeks later, in the head and weight wise. I read it again, in the paper and it was like a neon sign. And I wrote away. And I had a lady ring me and tell me some of her story. She shared some of her story. And she told me she was going on holiday. And I said that's okay. And she said, I'll be back in two weeks. And I said, that'll be fine. And she gave me the phone number of another person. And I said, No, it'll be fine. And so it wasn't, by the end of the two weeks before the end of the two weeks, I was trying to ring this lady to you know, find out more. And a lot of it is a bit hazy on it now. But I finally connected with this person. And she came around and she shared her story with me. And I can't say I remember too much about it. I know I went crazy in my house for the weekend, even though it was happening on Sunday morning, because that's how I was. I was an obsessive cleaner. And everything had to be right. And so she shared her story. And she told me that she would take me to a meeting. You know, when it was time. And I did, I went to that meeting. And the meeting was a Wednesday night. And it was in Chapel Street. And I went in, and Kay was sitting there with, she had the big book on her lap. And she was chairing the meeting on the steps and everything just like it is right now was there. But I didn't see any of those things. And there was quite a few people. My big concern was what was I going to wear and I had to sit on a wooden chair. And you know, it was a bit of a struggle, you know, sitting in that chair. But you know, I've heard people share about, you know, their clothes. And you know, it was a black skirt and a pink sweatshirt. I remember that. So anyway, I sat in that meeting. And what I heard was hope. I heard that the people before me that were there weren't doing what I was doing. And I didn't think much more else I just listened. And I didn't hear a great deal I don't believe today. But I went away. And I just felt that there was something different here. Because I was a constant dieter, because I couldn't stop eating it. But it was the madness in my head that actually bought me it was that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. And you know, I sit, I have sat over the years and listened to you know, people sharing and I love coming to meetings. And I hear such different things. And you know, the the big thing that came to mind today was you know, the look for the similarities, not the differences. And I thought when I think back there were a lot of differences. Because you know, people talked about, you know, throwing food out and then eating it again out of the rubbish bin. Or you know, just some of the crazy things that we do with food. And I could sit there and think well no, I didn't do that. So I'm not one of those. And but I never did. I never because you know I thought I hadn't done it and I hear Tony say it at times ‘Yet.‘ You know that's what you know he was told once and I thought ‘Yeah‘, but you know, when you shove biscuits up your sleeve and you go in to your bedroom and eat them, so your dog won't want them? Is that sane? I don't think so. You know, so there was all, I had my own crazies, and I never threw food out because I ate it. You know, I didn't, I didn't throw things out. And I didn't know what to do, when I, you know, eventually got onto a food plan. And, you know, and I measured everything, and I'd have, say, rice leftover, and I didn't know what to do with it, you know, so my husband at the time, he would get rice pudding made or something because I couldn't throw it out, because I usually ate it. So, you know, that was a bit of a new thing to me. But, you know, I came in here, and I heard, like, I still do today, that, you know, I was born with this, I have a disease of addiction. And, and I I, you know, could relate to that, because I knew that there was something wrong that when I had that first whatever, I wanted more. And it started with drink cigarettes, coffee, tea, before I came into the fellowship, I had stopped doing, I had stopped smoking, I had, you know, I blamed coffee and tea because I drank a lot of coffee once. And it was black coffee, not like coffee today. You know, it's just was just the old Greggs in there, but you know, I stayed up very late cleaning, totally obsessed with cleaning, and would have my record player going with my other wee obsession, which was Elvis Presley and country music. And that's never gone away. You know, it's got a bit better (laughter). But you know, it's still there. And so, you know, it would be eating, smoking, you know, drinking coffee, and whatever, you know, so that that was life. And then I'd get up again in the morning, about six o'clock, and I would sort of start that routine again. You know, I'd get the kids off to school, and then I'd have to clean my rooms - well they never really got dirty overnight. But to me they did. So. And you know, it was just when I when I look back at what I was like, it was just you know, it's just crazy, absolutely crazy. And I had no idea that any of that had to do with food. And I hear in meetings, you know that this disease, it swaps from one thing to the other. And that's how I see it today. The food was the last thing that I could put down. I remember going to bed when I stopped smoking only because I was forced. Because my ex husband he is he could have been ex-er sooner if I had killed him when he didn't come home with my cigarettes, but I didn't. So you know, he forgot to bring me home my cigarettes. And so I stopped smoking and because he wanted to go down and get more, I knew that that was a waste of time. So I just said no. And so I did, I stopped smoking. And I used to go to bed. And I used to say, I haven't had a cigarette today. And I hope I don't have one tomorrow, because I really didn't want to smoke because I'd got up to about 25 in a day. And I was talking to someone recently, and we were talking about the cost of cigarettes. And I said oh, I remember when my sister and I said that's it, we're going to stop because they're $2 a packet. And you know, and they were like two and six when I when I tried as a kid to go to the the local shop and buy a packet of cigarettes and she knew that my mother and father didn't smoke. So you know, it was a quick phone call to mum. Did you know Robin and Elizabeth had been up here trying to buy cigarettes? So we got a wee reprimand for that one. So couldn't do it in the local shop. But you know, I really didn't want to smoke. But you know, I went to bed and and I see that today is just that little prayer that I used to say when I came in here, you know, well I haven't had to eat today. And you know, I hope I don't tomorrow. So, you know, that that was the simplicity of my praying. So, you know, when I came in here, and like I said, I heard hope. But you know, eventually I heard what was required to do if I wanted to get well. And that's that's what I heard, you know, I heard keep coming back, you know, don't pick up the first one, you know, go to a meeting and help someone else. And the helping someone else I could never ever understand how that was going to help me. But then I heard through just coming that you know, I was self centered to the core and it was all about me, everything was about me - the world revolved around me. I was going to live to when I you know, to 105 because I couldn't see how you could survive without me. And you know, and I found that, you know, actually the world will go on like it does if you know if I'm not there. But you know all these things I have learned through coming here. And, and and I have found that you know like it says in the book that there is a solution. And I really like that when I hear it, you know, because I was told to get the big book and you'll find the answers in there. And I'm very grateful for that I read the big book, even though it said alcohol.
It didn't, it that didn't matter to me, you know, because I drank, I drank from a very early age, and I loved the effect of the alcohol. And so I read the book, but I didn't find the answers that I thought, you know, listed 1 to 20 or whatever. But I read it, and for some reason I related to it. So the more I came to the meetings, and the more people shared about, you know, like, you read out of the big book at a meeting, and they would say, you know, page 459 or something like that, well, I'd go home, and I'd read it. Because what I have learned, that I need to hear repetition, I need to hear the same thing over and over again. And I heard how people were getting well in these rooms. And I heard that if I, if I wanted to get well, I needed to put down the food, and I needed to believe in a higher power. Now God is in these steps and up there on the Serenity Prayer. And like I said, I was very anti religion, you know, because God was religion to me, and and I had no reason to, I don't know why it was just my arrogance. And I was a very loud mouth, cussing sort of a person. And yeah, and I said to someone, once that I was working with that, you know, if you could never find me, if you ever if I ever ran away from home, look for me in a church. And she was just, you know, flabbergasted. She said, ‘You got to be kidding.‘ And I said, ‘No,‘ because I felt a sense of peace in a church, I used to sneak into the church, and just see what they do in there when they go to Sunday school. And I always felt that there was some sort of peace, and it was quiet. And, and the only time I ever went to church was a funeral and a wedding. And there wasn't too many of them. And so but there was something there, but I would never admit that to anyone because, you know, I couldn't do that I was not that type of person. So, so coming in here and hearing that, you know, was a higher power, that would get me well, I didn't question it. And I didn't really know what to do, except I just kept coming. And one day, like I've shared, you know, many, many times, I was reading the big book, and the big book came with me everywhere. I called it my Bible. And, and that was another word that I wouldn't have used because, you know, the Bible meant the church, but I called it my Bible, and I read it, and I was out walking this dog that we had. And I read, which I later found out were the promises that you know, God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. And, and I I said, yes, yes, because I was eating one day, and then I wasn't eating the next and, and I picked up the phone, I'm probably going a bit too far, because my head's going a wee bit, it was that I asked someone to sponsor me. And I rang up and I asked someone if they could help me, I did not say the word sponsor, because I didn't know what that meant. But I asked this lady if she would help me. And, and that was with the food plan. And I had no problem with the food plan. Because I'd been a regular Weight Watchers, I went to Weight Watchers for years. You know, it just didn't do me any good. I lasted about a month, and then that then something would happen. And I'll show you and so I was stuffing myself with food. So so I, you know, I got the sponsor. And, and, and that was it, you know, I went on a food plan. And, yeah, I‘ve lost my train of thought. But anyway, I eventually came to believe in a higher power that I choose to call God today. And it's a God of my understanding, and I don't understand it. But I know today, that what I do in my day, and what I have in my life is only through coming here. Because it's nothing to do with me. Because, you know, I love food. And, you know, I just I would wake up in the morning, and that was always on my mind. And that's what I was sick and tired of. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I knew that once I got up in the morning, that you know, eventually I was going to make the kids lunches and I was going to have that wee slither of a slice a cake and then I was going to have another piece and then it would be half a loaf of bread. They would go to school, and then I would start but I would start Tomorrow, the diet. Many a diet started on Tuesday because I went to Weight Watchers on Monday night. And Friday night was the big weekend. And you know, today is Friday, and it's Good Friday. And I only learned through coming here that what good Friday meant, you know, because Easter buns were they weren't quite around in January when I was a kid growing up, but they certainly were out and about early. And I never had any thought of what an Easter bun was meant to represent, what the tradition of Good Friday was. So of course, Easter buns just meant you eat them. You know, and easter eggs were never eaten on Sunday. They were eaten on every day. And so you know, through coming here and my my at my work having my ex boss she is she's retired. She she taught me what Easter actually meant. And so today, I went to church, and I went to church with her because I do like to go to church at Easter time. And, you know, nobody's told me to do it. But you know, some time ago, I decided that that would be quite good. So I went along to church today. And we were there and it was a very quiet service. And both her and another colleague that I worked with, were reading and so it was quite a lot of reading quite a lot of standing. And, but anyway, that was okay. And then it came time to do their wee communion we got we got told that we weren't allowed to touch Jesus on the cross, and we weren't allowed to kiss, you know, you weren't allowed to do that this year because of COVID. So that was all fine. And and it was very good. I you know, there was a lot of ‘Thy will be dones.‘ So which I understand today. And so anyway, it was time to go up for the communion. And my boss was telling me that I could go up there, but I just had to cross my arms. And she said, ‘Could you do that?‘ and I just sort of sat there and then the lady next door to me whispered, she said, ‘They're not that bad up there you know,‘ and I said ‘That‘s alright, she's trying to convert me!‘ And so we laughed. So anyway, I did get up and I was blessed. And she said, ‘You'll be blessed.‘ And I said, ‘Yes.‘ So I was and that was fine. And it was just lovely to do that. And there was many other people that were doing the same, you know, and we sat down and then Fran yells out, ‘Well, you're on the list now!‘ So, so, but you know, I didn't have a problem today with that, in fact, you know, it's all about understanding what you know, it all means, and I'm very, very happy. And I just think, you know, my mind opened to that, you know, it has opened up quite wide to a lot of things today, because I was very close minded. When I came here, it was my way or the highway. And, you know, and it's how it was with my children, you know, I, I ruled the roost, and you jumped high when I spoke at times. And you know, many, many times, I didn't ever want to be like that. I just didn't want to be the way I was when I walked in a room and I could clear it, you know, and it was just the look on my face. Because you know, they‘d had the curtains pulled in the middle of the afternoon watching television. And I didn't approve of that. You didn't do that, you know, you sat there with the sun, and you let the sun and there was just so many things that I can reflect back on that, you know, I had no idea. They were just related to the food, that you know that this disease that I have just does that and you know, my mind, my mind, you know, you live in your head, and I have my ways of doing things. But you know, today, it's not like that. Well, I try hard for it not to be. And you know, and I learned what self centeredness means I learned what it meant to go and help someone else because it makes me forget about myself. And it doesn't necessarily have to be somebody else in the fellowship. You know, it's just a little thing that you can do for someone that can brighten their day. And it's, you know, it's not about me, and I love coming to meetings, and I love hearing people share and it doesn't matter if you shared the same story 50 times, which probably some people have since I've been coming, but you know, every time I leave a meeting, there's always you know, that still that little bit of hope that if I keep coming, it gets better. And you know, my life today is certainly a lot different. And I thought about that when I was putting these shoes on, you know, I used to wear
you know, hobnail boots, and overalls. Not fancy ones like Lynnettee wears, but you know, other boots and a Swanee and a Swanee and you know, that was my job and I‘d drive a tractor and mow the lawns. And and, you know, and then I backed it into the dump and our dumps down south were full of water and rats. And you can imagine when you popped in one of those how excited you were, and then you found out when you went to go home and get changed that your children had locked the door, and they hadn't left the key behind. And I couldn't get into my house, and I was dripping wet. So I climbed in a window, and never had to do it since. And they've never left the key out of the hiding place since neither. But you know, Swannis, when they get really weird, are quite heavy. So you know, but it was just a freak accident that I did put my foot on the accelerator instead of on the brake when I put it in reverse. And I backed the whole tractor into the dump with the trailer, and lawn clippings. So you know, those sort of things happen. And I think today, you know, I loved I love that job. I love the smell of fresh grass. And I used to go around and, you know, mow lawns, but you know, my life today is just a little bit different. And I get to wear different clothes. And yesterday, I went round, and I delivered 60 little easter eggs and Easter buns that you know, to the residents that I work with. And it was just lovely, because some of them were so thrilled. And I thought, you know, it's amazing what makes peoples day. And I thought, you know, God has given me the ability today, I believe to be able to do this, but I can only do it if I'm not eating. And I can only do that if I keep doing what's been suggested from the beginning. And that was keep coming to a meeting. Don't pick up the first one and help someone else. Very simple. And I've learned that you know, life can be a lot more simple than what I used to make it. So it's great to be here, Tina, and I'll be quiet now and let someone else share.