Robyn H.

This story has been recorded at an Addictive Eaters Anonymous meeting in New Zealand, you can email us at   contact@AEAnz.org 
It's the first Friday... so here's Robin.
My name is Robin and I am an addictive eater. What was it like? Well, it was just the way that it was, I didn't know that there was something wrong with me... I don't even know when well, I knew that I struggled with my weight, not as a young child. But that is I was overweight as a young child, but I didn't realize that, it wasn't bothering me then I suppose it was bothering me might be by the time I was about eight or nine. And my mother was worried. And she put me on this diet. And or she'd taken me to the doctor put me on this diet. So by the time I was 10, and a wee bit slimmer, I, I began to understand that it was something that I had to achieve to be slim. And I don't think at that age that I actually realized that I was no, that's not true actually, I did realize I was taking food from the cake tins. And I would go out at night and take food from the cake tins. But actually, for me, I don't think these days that it was the food so much is is I just sort of felt out of kilter. But I didn't know that then I only know that since I've been back in the program now. Because I listened to people talking about that difficulty in the world. And I always thought that it was my fault that I couldn't get whatever life was. And somehow one day I would. But I was awkward. So when I came back to the program the second time I knew that it wasn't the eating, well the eating was a problem. I mean, I was bingeing and I didn't like that. And I certainly didn't want to be putting on weight, which I'd started to do. But I knew that it was more than that. It was my life. The way that I I don't know just the way that I was in life. And I knew that the answer was here. But after that I didn't have any more of a clue. When I came to the program the first time, and I didn't surrender, I don't believe I ever surrendered then. But I came in because my husband said he was leaving me. And that gave me a fright, because I'd always wanted to be a good wife and mother. And here I was what not really achieving that. And not really knowing how I wasn't achieving that. The funny thing was that although I was reasonably happy to talk to my sponsor about the food, that was about all I shared at that time back at that time, I never shared about this big thing, which was my life and my marriage. Because it was never well, it just just didn't work often. So I'm still quite vague. Like I don't know whether I'm vague like I'm just telling you the way that it was. So, my my, when I look back, I don't have a lot of childhood memories about things. And I don't know why that is maybe that will get better. I don't know. But the thing is that I don't actually need to know. I mean, I know that I can sit in here and identify with everybody. There's always a bit of everybody's story that I relate to. And so because of that experience of coming into a 12 step food fellowship all those years ago I knew that there was an answer. But when I was when I came back, I knew that it was more than just the food that I had to, oh, I don't know, if I had to look at it or whatever. But I do, I did know that there was an answer here. And I did also know that I would have to be prepared to surrender as much as I could. It was a relief to come back here. It really was. And, and then now I want to talk about my experience with the surrender, I, you know, I don't feel like I've given you a good story about the, you know, leading up to it. But that's the best I've got at the moment. And again, I can only tell you this, because I've sat in meetings and identified and therefore apply it to myself. But it was like, there was a complete change, from the time that I was here before, and not being able to surrender everything, which I didn't know, I wasn't, I thought that I was!  To this time, and just being absolutely, I suppose the best word I can say is shattered, I felt like I had lost everything. And, of course, my marriage had finished. So in a lot of respects, I had lost everything in my mind. And I knew that I didn't want to go back. But I didn't know how to go forward either. And, you know, I'm just gonna go back a bit, because you know, the things that I heard here, all those years ago, were the very things that got me back here. And for that, I'm really grateful. Like, I was used to be so embarrassed and upset and worried about the fact that I've been a failure. But today, I don't see it like that at all. It's just part of the story. It's part of how I got back here. And a part of how I had to be at the point of just saying, 'I can't do this anymore.' And that was a lot of I can't do it sort of a feeling was what my life felt like, the whole time that I was, I was in the food and in the mess.
It just, I was just
...Yeah. And anyway, I got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore. And at that point, I was open, I suppose. And I was just prepared to do what it took. But it wasn't like all of a sudden, that happened. It was like, that's been a gradual process too and I'm very, very grateful for for the meetings that I've been to and still go to, because as I said... I just didn't know anything. I didn't know anything. I didn't know how to get well. I didn't know what to do. And I mean there were some things that I did know, I thought I knew what to do. But really, it's been a an experience of wanting to be here and just knowing that by by being here, whatever's going to happen will be okay. And I was thinking about you know, what's it like now? And I certainly and it's only recently that I've realized this I certainly don't have that feeling of having to look like I'm doing things normally. That stress that was always there about knowing that my life I wasn't able to manage my life very well but having to pretend that I did. And I don't have to pretend anymore. I can be more honest and you know the program says that we have to live a completely different way, we have to give up all our old ideas. And I mean, I don't even know what old ideas I've got until something happens and and I realized that all my sponsor pointed out to me or whatever. And these days, I don't mind hearing that I need to do something a bit differently. I suppose the other thing that went alongside my feeling of being not in the well, you know, not comfortable in the world, was all that thinking, all that thinking! And as, things have got a bit better. I I can see all that thinking and understand more about how I've been affected by the disease, I suppose. So you know, it's just fine by me that I just keep coming. And that I just keep doing my best to do you know, what I what I see everybody else here doing. I love the fact that I can call anybody you know, because people are available, they they are very happy to talk or whatever. I love the fact of being part of something and contributing in some small way to the path that we're on. And I have lots of confidence that even some of the people - not even - but the people that have come through and gone away, they have an opportunity to come back. And I don't think well know, we we don't, we don't really appreciate that what we say or do one day and help trying to help somebody in the future. could mean that they come back here. Sorry, that's probably only about 10 minutes, but that's all I've got. Thanks, Jill.