Pamela C.

This speaker was recorded at an Addictive Eaters Anonymous event held in Dublin, Ireland in January 2023. For more information, visit www.aeainfo.org
My name is Pamela. And I am an addictive eater. And it's an absolute pleasure to be here. It‘s a lovely topic, having to concede to my innermost self, that I am, I am an addictive eater. I'm a binge eater. I'm an addict. That's always gonna be the blueprint that I was brought up with. I believe I was born this way. And I believe that I am not, I do not eat food, think about food in the way that regular people might do. You know, the big book calls that normal, normal, you know, I am not normal. In fact, I'm so not normal that I am normal. Because I think, you know, most people have something going on with some substance. I believe that I was born this way, with a big hole, a big hole in my soul, and emptiness that I tried to fill with food. And of course, it never was going to work. There's just not enough food on the planet, to make me feel okay, and make the pain go away. The pain, the pain of what you know, I think I was born in a family of addicts. I think that it is an illness that is in my ancestry. In my family of origin. I think it's in humankind, but let me focus on myself. So I was born into it. And I think, you know, I have a lot of compassion for my parents now I really understand their stuff, that they couldn't help their stuff. And that my great grandparents and my great great grandparents and all of those people before couldn't help their stuff. And so by the time I was born, I had that stuff on my shoulders and in the atmosphere. And so when I was born and of course I wasn't born naturally I was called out to be a caesarian and I was already one stone, what's a stone these days? I was a 12 pound baby! So you know when I came out caesarian style, my mouth was already open - feed me! - and the gynecologist probably slapped me on the arse and made me cry and you know yeah, so I was born this way and I thank God that it got so bad you know, I couldn't the food didn't take away the emotions of not feeling enough. Growing up feeling different you know and feeling not tall enough. Not short enough. Comparing myself to my peers in primary school and junior school and not being good at netball and so if I'm not good at netball, I'm not playing at all. And staying behind in class. I wasn't necessarily an unruly child. I was a bit of a goody two shoes sometimes and a bit of a know-all and I would tell the teacher what I thought and I didn't like PE so I would stay behind. And I can even right now I can feel staying behind wooden desks, wooden chairs. I've rocking on my chair and being so mesmerized by the contents of the bin. You know, roast chicken Walkers Crisps, cheese and onion, salt and vinegar, tomato ketchup, loved it all. For nothing... Didn't think it was strange to stuff myself with crispy all the leftovers in the bin. Didn't want to play games because I was already starting to the illness was already manifesting itself in my chubby body. I don't know how I got out of it. But most of the time I stayed behind to eat the contents of the trash bin in the class you know and not being the favorite child. Saw a picture on Facebook the other day it was lovely to look at, the Netball teacher, beautiful woman, and all of my pals in the netball team. And that netball team was made up of about - I don‘t know how many people are supposed to be on the netball team - but that let's say her name was Miss Kitchen, not her real name. Her favorite eight. And seven of them were of my origin. Seven of them. And one of them wasn't. And I remember feeling not good enough to be in the netball team. And it was right I wasn't good enough. I was tall, but I was dumpy. So you know, all of those feelings. So close by, I used to eat to make the feelings go away and it never worked, you know? And then here I am an adult still doing the same thing. Eating trying to make the pain go away. Falling in love with food. I mean, it's delightful. You know, the sugar the salt, savory, sweet. Loved it all, I loved that hit at the back of the throat, you know that we feel when we drink or we eat or painkillers did it for me as well. All of that stuff. I used to use anything. So that I couldn't feel? And then I would. And I remember thinking why is it that after I've eaten? I wish I hadn't eaten? Because I feel okay. Now. You know, what should...? I remember I was intelligent enough at a young age to think, wish I could feel okay, without having done all of that stuff with the food. And I remember if you like already having a spiritual experience, because some some power greater than myself said ,‘‘It must be possible to feel okay. Without eating 10 bags of crisps, sausage rolls and the contents of the school bin.‘‘ So maybe the maybe God was already looking after me. In fact, you know, God must have been looking after me because here I am today. So the illness for me was obvious. I grew into a woman that weighed the last time I weighed I was 23 and a half stones. And I had been gaining a stone every year. So by the time I came in, I was a minimum of 26 stones. So it was obvious. I was a laughingstock in my profession was a laughingstock on the street. Shame, the darkness. More antidepressants, more painkillers, more cigarettes, more casual relationships. Because I did not know I was enough. Just thought I was a big fat blob. God had made a mistake. And here I am. What am I going to do? I'll just eat more and have more casual relationships, you know, so I was ready. When I first heard the message from the members of Addictive Eaters Anonymous. Oh, my goodness, I was so relieved. I... God had told me I knew there was a way out. And I knew I hadn't got it. And I heard that message in a room very much like this. And that was uncomfortable. Because it meant I had to change. I'd have to stop relying on all of those. All that stuff we‘ve just seen up and down the high street. I‘d have to stop it. I'd have to have a conversation and look you in the eye and feel uncomfortable. And I was uncomfortable. But I was comfortable with being uncomfortable. I was comfortable with feeling naked and raw, didn't matter anymore. I said ‘‘Here I am God, I'm ready. I'm sick to death of trying to handle life of trying to make you like me, trying to work out what I'm supposed to say now. I'm fed up of it. I don't want to do it. It's exhausting. I want to go to the cinema and the theater. I want to turn up at an event. And just, ‘this is me‘.‘‘ God didn't make a mistake. I'm okay. So I asked I asked my sponsor to help me and because I've been around a long time. And because I'm a I'm a arrogantly confident person without a program. My sponsor quite rightly said to me, she said ‘‘I'm prepared to help you. But are you prepared to do everything I say? Are you prepared to go to extremes?‘‘ So, of course, I said ‘‘Yes! Yes, yes, yes!!‘‘ Now the good thing for me, and I want us all to remember, I'm talking about my own experience. And I am double digits further on than some people here. So I didn't, I didn't know that I didn't know what I didn't know. And I thought I knew what I knew. And I had to empty my mind. And the way I try and get that over to people is by saying that if you've ever trained anyone in your profession, if you've ever coached anyone, taught someone to to drive or drive, you know, or ride a bicycle, and the person's already got a little bit of experience of all of those things, and you're trying to come in and say, ‘‘Let me teach you from scratch, how to ride a bike drive, or how to ride a horse, can I?‘‘ and but the student thinks they know what they know. ‘Well, I've already done that. I know that. Yeah, mirror seatbelt maneuver.‘ I know that it's very difficult. So I really could put my foot in my shoes of my sponsor, and try and empty my mind of everything I thought I knew about the 12 steps, The Big Book of alcoholics of Alcoholics Anonymous, and even my higher power, the God of my understanding, try and come with a new slate of understanding and let the people teach me. So here I am today, I'm convinced I belong. Don't feel awkward. Don‘t feel I've got to do anything or say anything to make you like me or I'm doing it right. It's all gone. Thank God. Practice a lot of pausing and silence. Love page 86, 87, 88. Page 1, to 160...! They've all just love everything in the big book. Read it every day, sometimes one sentence, sometimes one paragraph and see if I can help. Like to sit and observe. See who I can help. There's anybody looking miserable or lonely, I like to say ‘‘How are you?‘‘ If there's any more than two, not interested, you're alright. If there's just one person, I'm interested. ‘‘How are you‘‘ Life is good today. Thank you so much for allowing me to visit. Take two days out of our intense life. Be in another country with my beautiful tribe. Not that I'm not being exclusive. But I know I belong. No more resistance. Eat this way. Do this. You'll be fine. You're gonna get better. Life's wonderful. Let God take over. That's me. Thank you.