Kay M.

This story has been recorded at an Addictive Eaters Anonymous meeting in New Zealand, you can email us at contact@aeanz.org
Tonight is a speaker meeting and our speaker is Kay.
Thanks.... my name's Kay and I'm an addictive eater. Well, I mean my eating really can be summed up pretty quickly. Because it was always the same. And it started at a very, very young age, I just always wanted to eat. And I would wake up wanting to eat, I always wanted to eat during the day, it didn't matter what was going on. And when I went to bed, I would lie there, and wait for my parents to go to sleep. And then I'd get up and carry on eating well, it just it never, it was always in my head. And that just continued, I was aware, very aware of being different to my family, they didn't seem to be wanting to eat all the time. And my,
I was gonna say, friends, friends is a generous word, I didn't really have friends, but
other people at school, the other children at school, they didn't seem to be like that they wanted to go off and play. But you know, I just always, always very aware of it at children's birthday parties, you know, because, you know, I would just want to keep eating the food, and then the games will start up again, and I just want to keep eating the food. And so yeah, that's to say that just carried on, all my growing up years, and it got worse. It just got worse. And I was very focused on the weight, that was what I saw was the problem. And if I could just lose weight, everything would be fine. And I did have one successful diet and got down to my goal weight for not very long. But even when I was on that diet, and in some ways, even more, so when I was on that diet, I you know, I was very, you know, agitated, you know, even more so than usual. I mean I always was kind of out of sorts with the world, mum always used to say, Kay always gets up on the wrong side of the bed. Because I just woke up out of sorts. And, you know, I know today that that that's the disease. So I wasn't really looking for a solution. I tried the weight loss club. And it hadn't worked. And I didn't, I hadn't worked out there was anything wrong with my head. And I just thought that this was the way it was going to be. And I just have to keep trying, I just had to try harder to try harder. And you know, every new thing that happened, you know, like when I left school that I thought well now now I might be able to get a grip on it. And then when I went into work well, you know, now I'm grown up. Now I'm in the big grown up world, surely I'll be able to get a grip on it. But it just continued to get worse. And I wasn't looking for a solution. Because I really just thought that I had been born differently to everyone else. And I didn't think there was a solution for me. And I read in a magazine, an article, Are You A Food Addict? And I thought, ''Wow.  There are other people like me.'' And it wasn't just the people that were eating too much. You know, it wasn't just, you know, I knew there was far more to my eating. It wasn't just that I ate too much, you know, with all the the secretiveness around it and you know, the fact that it didn't matter what it was like, I ate food out of rubbish bins, and I knew that wasn't normal. I ate in the toilet, and knew that wasn't really normal. And it was saying those sorts of things and this article, and I thought, ''oh wow, these people do sound like me.'' And so, you know, I got in touch, wrote in. And eventually, someone came and saw me in my home from a you know, 12 Step fellowship, and, you know, she told me all about her eating which you know, it was just like mine, except I thought she was worse. Because she ate out of rubbish bins in public parks. I had only eaten out of rubbish bins in people's homes. So, you know, she was really quite a bit worse than me - haha. But it was enough, you know, she took me along to my first meeting. And, you know, just like tonight, a whole lot of people like me. And honestly, it blew my mind. It really did people talking about their eating, you know, one thing, you know, being like me, that blew my mind, but then people talking about it so freely I mean I had kept it secret my whole life. And still definitely was at that stage. People seem to be talking about and this one woman in particular, you know, she was talking about eating out of rubbish bins, like, you know, isn't it a lovely day, I ate our of rubbish bins, you know, in the same sort of breath, you know? What? So, anyway, I kept coming to these meetings, and, you know, kept identifying. And, you know, the one thing that happened to me with the food. Nothing, I didn't really look at the 12 Steps program of recovery didn't really understand that didn't really think I needed it wasn't sure what that had to do with losing weight. But I did lose weight. I stopped binging basically, when I came here, and I did lose weight. And so I thought, well, I'm okay. Because the weight was the problem. And now, you know, I haven't got the weight. And yeah, but for me, you know, obviously, I wasn't in recovery, and it continued to get worse, you know, and in a slightly different way. Certainly not, you know, the food, that quantity of food had got a lot better. But there was still a lot of insanity with the food. And, yeah, a lot of insanity. And the rest of my life that got a lot lot worse. And I moved to a different city. And I remember driving up there in my car and thinking, ''Oh, well, you know, I can't eat, but at least I can still drink.'' And that was a very strange thought, because I wasn't a drinker. And I, you know, didn't go to parties because I was overweight. And I'd only been to one party. And I'd got drunk at that party. And I thought it was a great party. But other than that I hadn't had any experience. But you know, for me, I believe today, I was just an alcoholic, that hadn't really picked up a drink. But the disease was all there in full, you know, full blown, and it just, you know, was looking for another substance. So there was a lot more insanity that went with that. I still was coming to these meetings, although I'd, as I said, moved to a different city, and there wasn't anyone in recovery there. So in some ways that made it easier to continue. And then when I moved back to the, to the original city you know, where there were people in recovery, there were three people by that stage. Yeah, I just, I don't know, went completely mad. It was it was seeing that recovery in other people. And of course, I was getting worse, they were getting better. So the gap was getting wider between us. So the insanity was, you know, becoming more obvious when I was at meetings, not away from meetings, but when I was at meetings, and it was after meetings that I just, you know, would feel, you know, at my worst, you know, really quite suicidal after the, after the meetings. And people talked about step one, you know, these people that were in recovery, being powerless over food. You know, I didn't really understand it didn't really understand being powerless over food. I didn't, I could see that there was a freedom connected with that. You know, they had a freedom. I mean, they were laughing I wasn't laughing. You know, they were free. And but how to get there. You know, it just seems, you know, I didn't have any idea of how to get there. Because I did get to a point where I wanted, I wanted to be there. So yeah, I mean, one day, I just got to a point I woke up, and I knew I just couldn't go on. I didn't really understand what that was all about, but I just felt I just couldn't go on. And I couldn't think of anything to do except ring those members that were in recovery. And, you know, I meanI wasn't too keen on them, I really wasn't. It was actually the last thing in the world, I wanted to do but, you know, that was the only thing that popped into my mind. And I totally believe today that that was my higher power. So, you know, I rang and, you know, arranged to go around to, you know, one, one of their houses, and, you know, talk to, you know, a couple of members. And I had absolutely no idea what I was going to say, I can't go on, you know, when I didn't, I didn't have any idea, but, and I don't really know what I did say and what was said, but I know I was honest. I was honest, for the first time in my life.
First and foremost, about my eating, and because I could never be honest about my eating, I was never honest about anything. I'd lived, I'd lived a life of lies, and my whole life was a lie. And so yeah, and they said, whatever they said, probably that I had to put down everything, if I wanted to get well. And I think they probably suggested this, and I went home, and I got down on my knees. And I said, if there's anything there, can you help me, and I'm sure that must have been suggested to me, because I just don't think I would have come up with it myself. And even though I didn't think that there was anything there, I completely know today, that God was there. And I, I believe that God had been wanting to help me, it wasn't that that help was being withheld from me, just that I wasn't in a position to receive it. And you know, I couldn't until I was beaten. And today, I do believe that I'd woke up that day, and I was beaten. I didn't understand about step one for a long time. But today, I think that I had woken up that day, in the night that step one had happened to me. So I took the day off work, because my head was all over the place. And I went to a meeting that morning. Because I knew that I needed to be honest with other members of the fellowship. You know, I knew it wasn't just something that I could, you know, start doing things differently. Well, that was doing things differently. Being honest with other members was doing things differently. I just knew that I needed to do that. And then the following day, after that, I went back to work. And at work, I would always I was drinking coffee at that stage. And I would have half of my milk allowance, in my coffee at lunchtime and the other half at afternoon tea time. So I carried on doing that that day. I can't have done it the day before. I don't think I used to do it at home. But when we had our tea break at work, I did it. And it wasn't at the lunchtime one. Although today I do believe that by having only half of it, I was picking up the first one. But when I had the afternoon, one sip of my coffee in  afternoon tea. The wall was back. I felt I couldn't go on. Again. You know, and exactly that same feeling that I had woken up with, you know, a couple of days previously. And I didn't know what was wrong. And I rang my sponsor, and had a very cryptic conversation with her because the phone was right by the ear of the supervising typist in the typing pool that I worked in. And so I'm sort of saying, you know, I don't really want to say with her hearing, ''I can't go on.'' Something's happened. But anyway, my sponsor said ''oh it sort of sounds like you've picked up the food'' And I said, ''Oh,'' and then I explained what had what had happened with the milk. And she said, ''Well, you have picked up the first one.'' And so yes, I mean, I don't know. You know, I hadn't been dishonest about that deliberately. I don't believe. I just hadn't understood and maybe hadn't realized that milk was food. You know, I just needed to be honest about that, and, you know, put on the right track. And so, you know, from that time on, I basically totally abandoned myself to this program. 110%, I just developed a massive willingness to work this program, which hadn't been there before. And yeah, yeah, I just followed along, you know, it was what my, you know, the direction from my, my sponsor, who, you know, guided me through the 12 steps, and tried to give away what I'd been given, even though I didn't really understand what that was, you know, trying to help help the new people. And basically, you know, working this program, working this 12 steps. And yeah, I've just continued to do that. Continued to do because it works. So, you know, why would I stop doing what works? That would be total insanity. And, you know, I've had plenty of years of insanity and the disease. You know, I just kept on coming to these meetings, kept on trying to work this program kept on trying to give away what I've been given, tried to improve my conscious contact with my higher power. Just, yeah, basically, everything that this program suggests, and, you know, I mean, I've been given an amazing life here. That certainly was not what I came in here for. You know, I didn't actually realize how unwell I was when I walked in these doors. But I have found a way to live a happy, sober life as an addictive eater, still an addictive eater. But, you know, I've found, you know, a whole lot of other addictive eaters, and I think there are a whole lot more out there. That, you know, that we try and help in this fellowship. So, yeah, it's it's a great life. Thanks, Louise. Thank you Kay.