Kay M.

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This story has been recorded at an Addictive Eaters Anonymous meeting in New Zealand, you can email us at contact@AEAnz.org.

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This is the first Friday of the month. So we have a speaker meeting. So welcome, Kay.

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I'm Kay and I'm an addictive eater. It's good to be here. I thought I would try tonight to talk a little bit about my very slow and faltering sort of past meditation, which definitely wasn't what I came in these rooms for. Wasn't interested in a Higher Power. I certainly wasn't interested in trying to live a spiritual way of life. I actually came here, because I wanted to lose weight.

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That was what I saw as the problem. I did hear other people talking about a higher power. Didn't didn't see the steps on the wall. But I didn't think I thought thank goodness, that didn't apply to me. And I picked out the the bits of the program that I thought were okay. And, but I did keep coming to meetings. That was one thing I did, which was good. And I got worse. For me, I wasn't beaten when I came through the doors. But the food was a great persuader. And more eating was what it took. And, you know, seeing, you know, the actual problem, I hadn't even identified that I had an obsession with food. Because I'd had that all my life, I didn't know what it was like to not have it, so I didn't know what it was like for ordinary people. And by that time, I had lost weight. And I still wanted to kill myself. So I could see it wasn't actually the weight and I got to a point where I just couldn't go on. And it was like it talks about in the book about not being able to go on with the food or without it. And I actually thought I was without it. And I couldn't go on. But I know today I was actually still eating. So I did the right thing again, I went to the members that were in recovery, and was completely honest with them for the first time in my life and tucked in behind basically followed, you know, their direction and example. And, you know, eventually I too started to get well I didn't really understand the steps I must say, I needed a lot of help from my sponsor, in you know, making my way through the steps. I was very busy, very busy. I went to a lot of meetings and you know, I actually had a lot of work if you like to do on the steps, you know, in terms of inventory, clearing away the wreckage of my past and you know, making amends you know that that that kept me very busy. Step 11. Cutting through them all pretty quickly there, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. I did not understand. I didn't have a great understanding of many of the steps but I was praying a lot as per the big book, you know, going through, you know what, what, you know how it says to do it there. And I was spending a lot of time on my knees, more and more time on my knees. But really just going through the motions - it really was going through the motions. Meditation... hmm didn't really understand that, you know, I gave it a little go, I knew it was trying to, you know, focus on your breathing you know, shutting out those other, you know, the thinking, but I couldn't do it. Tried. Now and again, just too hard. And I thought, ‘Ah, well, that's, you know, obviously something that I'm not going to be able to do. It's good that people can.‘ And I, as time went on, there started to be more people in recovery, more people came through the doors, more people started to get well. And the meetings ...I was gonna say became a bit more spiritual, I suppose. But there was more talk. There's more talk in the meetings about you know, the program of recovery. Third step, 11th step,

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12 steps and a spiritual awakening. And I would after those meetings, I would be very, very down on myself. Very, you know, ‘Kay, you know, you're HOPELESS, you're USELESS.‘ And I got my As Bill Sees It here to read something out. Because on page 264, of As Bill Sees It there's a little bit from a Grapevine and I used to read, As Bill Sees It every day, one page a day. So, about once a year, I would read this page. And it says “The Step That Keeps Us Growing. Sometimes, when friends tell us how well we are doing, we know better inside. We know we aren't doing well enough. We still can't handle life, as life is. There must be a serious flaw somewhere in our spiritual practice and development. What, then, is it? The chances are better than even that we shall locate our trouble and our misunderstanding or neglect of A.A‘s Step Eleven - prayer, meditation and the guidance of God. The other Steps can keep most of us sober and somehow functioning. But Step Eleven can keep us growing, if we try hard and work at it continually.“

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And every time I read that, I would think ‘That is me. That is me.‘ And I would give meditation a little burst again after reading that for a while. And then my thinking would come in and I‘d think ‘Oh I can't do this.‘ And you know, so it just carried on and you know, for a considerable period of time and I'm talking years and while this you know, discomfort with the meetings was happening I began I can't actually remember the beginning of it, but I was getting migraines. And I do think there were more than one reason for them, more than one reason, but when I got felt one coming on, because you can feel them coming on. I would immediately think ‘Oh my God, a migraine! Oh no!! How long is this one going to last? I can't have any more time off work!! Oh dear I've already had how many? How many have I had?‘ So on and on, poor migraine never had a chance. You know, before I knew it, you know, I was bedridden and I would be bedridden for days sometimes with this head that would not shut up. And this went on for quite a while, quite a while and I was starting to get more and more despairing about them. And I felt that I've got to a point at one time where I just, sort of similar kind of point where I got to with my eating when I sort of felt I couldn't go on, you know what was I going to do? And you know, of course I would just have to go on but I just felt you know all pretty hopeless and at that time.... you know, I'm also an alcoholic and I attend Alcoholics Anonymous, and an AA an AA meeting was starting a meditation meeting was starting on a Saturday morning. And I started going to it and it involved a tape, where we would listen to a tape for - we still do I still go to that meeting - we listen to a tape for half an hour, and then there's half an hour of sharing. So for half an hour, you know, I had to sit there with my well, I chose to have my eyes closed, with my eyes closed and to, you know, try and meditate. And, yeah, you know, I was pretty hopeless. And but I, the one thing I could do was keep my eyes shut. I could keep myself physically still, sitting in the chair, and keep my eyes shut. So that was the kind of the things and the clock used to drive me mad. And

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every time after the meeting, I thought I was going to have to speak to my sponsor about that clock. And um... but the thing that I did, that I'd never done before - that the meeting enabled me to do - was I persevered. I persevered. And I had never done that before. And I started talking to my sponsor about meditating. And, you know, she said something to me, like, every time you pause, and, you know, breathe, think of your Higher Power or whatever the words she used, you're meditating. And I thought, ‘Oh, really? Well‘ and then, oh I'm meditating, I'm meditating. So I became, in my own mind, I became an AEA member that was now meditating. Whereas I, you know, for all those years, I had thought of myself as an AEA member that couldn't meditate and wasn't meditating. And I was worried about that, I was worried about that, because it's, you know, in the 12 steps, and, you know, I need to work the 12 steps to get well, and I wasn't working, you know, an important part of them. But I couldn't, I thought I couldn't. So I, in my mind, I went over into a new category, and I went over into the category of being able to meditate however, you know, however, not very well at all. So I found that very encouraging, very encouraging. And I, the very, very surprising thing was I started to feel a little bit different, very, very hard to put my finger on, I didn't know what it was, but this is in my daily life. In my daily life, I felt a bit of a different feeling. And like, I felt it hugely, and I didn't know what it was. And it was, and I'm still, it was a feeling of wellbeing sort of, sort of, regardless of what was going on each day, I had that feeling. I still had a feeling that it was okay, even though this was going on, it was okay. And that was very, very surprising and unexpected, very unexpected, when I didn't really go into meditation, or start going to that meeting with any expectations what so ever, certainly none about the migraine that was just purely coincidental. But that has been another bonus. Time was going on. And you know, I was waiting, waiting for a migraine because previously I didn't have to wait all that long. One was just around the corner. And, you know, time was passing. Time was passing, and I didn't, I hadn't had a migraine. And it was an absolute miracle. And I didn't know... could this be something to do with the meditating? It seemed a heck of a jolly coincidence. But you know, the timing was from the time that I started going to this meeting. And I mean, that was a while ago. Now, I don't know if anyone here knows how long that meditation meeting‘s been going but a few years. And, you know, I haven't had anything like a migraine that I had, you know, prior to that meeting starting. And, you know, that is absolutely, you know, miraculous. So, and, you know, unexpected. So, since that time, I have persevered. And the meeting helps me with that a lot. You know, going once a week, you know, meditating with other people, at the moment we were actually online. But whether it's online or face to face, you know, it's that, you know, being with the group, and for some reason, that helps me

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to persevere at home. And I think if something happened with the meeting, the there  the meditating at home will drop off, that's just the sort of person I am and so I have, you know, persevered at home. And I have started reading a spiritual book, which is something new for me, and I have listened to the odd podcast, I, I prefer the reading for me, because I like the quiet, I just don't get too much quiet. And I really, really like the quiet. And so I would prefer to read. And in recent times, very, like very, very recent times, I, one day, I got home from work, and instead of meditating, and then having a wee read, I had the wee read first. And then, you know, the meditation, and for me, it is much better, much better that way around, and I hadn't realized, because I come in from work, I've still got still sort of partly at work, you know, the day I'm still, you know, with the day, if I can do my wee reading and, you know, just get into the sort of thinking that I'm wanting, leave the work thinking behind, and then, you know, do the meditation then, yeah, that's just for me, it's for me, that's just better. So, that's sort of bringing you up, with, you know, current practice. But for me, yeah, it's, it's, it's good. It's really, really good. And I have had the odd time, I mentioned it to a teacher at my work a couple of days ago, whose wife is really, really struggling. She's got a business and really, really struggling with the COVID. And, you know, you know, mentally and, you know, I talked to him about meditation and I have talked to a few other people. And, you know, I mean, it's quite bizarre to hear myself talking as quite I‘m thinking, ‘Who is this person that is saying these things?‘ Because it's so different. Yeah, just so different, for me very, very different. And as I say, not what I came in here for, but you know, it's part of giving away what I've been given, you know, it's helped, like, it's really, really helped. And, you know, if it can be helpful to someone else, well, all then good, you know, when at one one time I would have been, I would have felt embarrassed to, you know, have said that to someone else outside the program, fine people in the program, no problem - outside the program, I would not have done that. But, you know, I have received a lot of help. And, you know, we'll, you know, just carry on with the and the persevering, which is what, you know, what made the difference for me. And I found out that this going off my thoughts going off after, you know, a minute and then going off into my own thoughts. That's all part of it. That happens to everyone. It's not just me. It is what happens with everyone. And for all those years, I thought I couldn't do it because my mind would go here, there and everywhere. That's normal. That's normal. You know, if I talked with someone about it, it's exactly like my eating, if I talked to another addictive eater, I would have found out there are other people like me, instead of just keeping these things, you know, inside. So I know at this meeting, we like to have a joke. So I'll finish off with a meditation joke

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and it's very short. Did you hear about the spiritual man who refused an injection before his root canal? His goal was to transcend dental medication.

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Thank you.