June Speaker

This story has been recorded at an Addictive Eaters Anonymous meeting in New Zealand, you can email us at contact at aeanz.org
Now, tonight is the first Friday of the month, speakers meeting. This evening is Celine. 
Thank you, Fran. I'm Celine, I'm an addictive eater. Thank you for asking me. Tried not to think too much about it. When Robin was speaking at the web event, recently, I think it was the web event, was really helpful for me that she said she was nervous. Because it's funny how that happens.
I'll just talk for a little bit about what it was like for me and what I found here. I was very, very resistant to come here. I didn't. I wasn't one of those people who always knew I had a problem with food. And I think that is because I was able to the disease was so strong in me that I was just able to justify it, you know, just justify normal. That's what I've, you know, always made up the rules around the food. And justified that that was normal, you know, because some people did calorie count. You know, some people when I watched people eat, you know, when people had morning or afternoon tea, I'd watch how much they ate. And I would try and do that. So I tried to have all these rules around food, but, but those rules were really warped. And I didn't stick to them, but I tried to justify it in my head that I had. And so I was the kind of eater that got a huge amount of pleasure out of food. I loved it. I had a love affair with it. And I remember, you know, from a very young age, the looking forward to eating, you know, my addictive behaviors that I you know, because I'm multi addicted, I've got it. I've got addictive disease, foods one of those substances. Food is one of the things, shoplifting food. One of the things I did was also obsessing about boys and doing other things. But it was all around the rules and the weight, I was very, didn't want to be overweight, and tried to vomit couldn't vomit. So I'd restrict. And I've talked about it here about, you know, being a young child, and we were Catholic, and we'd give up certain things for Lent. And I always gave up some sort of food, usually lollies, we didn't get much of that sort of stuff at my home, but my Nana bought us lollies all the time. And so I'd save all them up, I think it was for six weeks or something like that. And I would just open the drawer and look at them all through Lent, never ate one. And my siblings, some of who have ended up in here as well hated that, because they, they didn't feel that they could do that. But it was all part of the control. For me, it was, you know, I was given a bag of chips and they were the big crinkles in those days. And I would I could eat one crinkle and put the chip back in the bag you know, and bring it out the next day. So my siblings, you know, three days later, they'd eaten theirs, you know, in 10 minutes and Celine would still be bringing out the bag of chips, eating some crinkles and putting them back. Because if I had my kit of tools for my addiction, I knew I was alright. And then later, you know, I did it with alcohol and drugs and other very destructive things, you know, and that kit, you know, from the top of, you know, illegal drugs and stuff, you know, so that was just part of the disease and around control. And so, but what I did know, very early on early teens was that there was something wrong with me mentally. I thought I was crazy. And some of the things I was doing with the food around then was eating, hiding food under my bed and you know, and then getting food poisoning. So there was things that were really abnormal about food. But I still thought I didn't actually connect that I didn't I didn't know that putting a pie under your bed for three days and then eating it, you know would cause you to be sick. And I never connected it when I was vomiting. And my mother was like really worried because I'm really ill, I never thought it was the pie, you know. So this is the justification to me of to how to keep doing those things, you know, and shoplifting, and stealing money, stealing milk tokens and all those things to pay for my food. So I did know that I was unable to form friendships that were healthy. And I didn't know how to do life, I didn't know how to be a friend, I just lived my life in fear, feared people, feared adults feared other kids, and lived my life in fantasy actually, and, and it was very isolated, I couldn't function at school and high school and I would just leave. And sit in this graveyard, you know, on my own, because I was happier doing that. And, you know, so I learned here that addictive disease is progressive. And it progressed in other ways, progressive my mind, you know, that mental unwellness and so I started trying to find a solution for that, you know, going to doctors, and well not really doctors, counselors, therapists, groups, courses, you know, anger management, self esteem, assertiveness, parenting, tonnes of parenting, because I had my children very young and didn't know to parent them. And I was had this moral, I had this moral compass that I couldn't ever live up to. And you know, I hated it the way I treated my kids, you know, I was my, my children would say that I was often loving as a mother. But then I'd just be like a psycho, you know, and, and it was just so destructive and damaging. And I hated it. I used to lie awake in bed at night and think I'd do differently and not going to yell in the morning, I'd say. And then the next thing in the morning, I'd be yelling, and I'd be calling them names and saying things that I really didn't want. And I'd put holes in walls and kicked the dog, and all those kinds of things. And so then I'd go to a course to try and fix myself and think it was about my damaged childhood. You know, my parents were alcoholics. And that was a red herring for me, I'd try and fix, but I was never honest with those. I was never really completely honest with those counselors, and, you know, people, because I'd give them Celine's version of events, you know, I know that that's part of the disease of covering up too so that it can continue. And I found this fellowship. Because I went, my brother went into treatment, but also, I went to another counselor who was actually a member of AA, I didn't know it at the time. And he sent me to AA. People from this fellowship, made themselves known to me, and I so so grateful for that, and I still am that around the food. And I just said, if it gets bad enough, I'll come and I remember talking to Leonie, one day on the phone, and I said, you know, if it gets really bad. I can't remember what I said. But I remember Leonie said to me, I don't like your chances. You know, my family situation, but my behavior?! You know, I don't like your chances! (laughter). Oh, gosh. But the thing is, is that I knew where to come. I knew, I knew I wasn't looking to go to Princess Margaret, or any other weight control thing. You know, I knew that. You know, if it really got bad enough. This was the place to come because I knew about 12 Step fellowship from a young age because I'd seen this family member I knew there was something special about 12 Step fellowships, this family friend of mum and dads who was drinking alcohol, like in a teacup, you know, whiskey at 7am. Who got sober, and was a completely different man. So I knew there was something and and then these are the people that were here. And what they talked about how they used to be, I knew there was something special and of course, because the disease is progressive, it got worse. And I came here and still I didn't want to have to do what all of you did. I thought I love that saying here that half measures availed us nothing. Because I thought half measures might avail me some degree of comfort. My experiences that half measures availed me nothing I tried to do. I tried I did some things but wasn't prepared to surrender. And I couldn't have even articulated that. But I just wasn't prepared to give up everything. And, and that's not just the food because I was on a food plan, but I wasn't prepared to give up everything. And I didn't get better. You know. And I remember when that time happened for me, and you know, the Achilles heel for me was this living in fear of what people thought of me. And when I was prepared to give that up, and actually be really honest and open with people, things changed. And I remember saying for years in this in these meetings, I hope that was the last one. I don't know whether I'm going to stay sober. But I have, you know, sobriety has happened for me, and,
and I used to be so terrified, I used to be terrified to read, you know, in a meeting, and I always used to think when those readings come to me, I'm not going to read it, because I'm too scared. But I never not read it. Because I knew other people did the things that made them uncomfortable here. And, and so for me, it has worked for me, and the food is not an issue for me anymore. It took probably, I don't know, I've heard a few other people say a couple of years, I'd say at least two or three years for me for me not to have this obsession with wanting to eat. But I heard it here a lot. Just get your head on the pillow, don't pick up the first one that's that staying in the day, one day at a time, one moment at a time. And when it fundamentally came down to it I did not want to eat, you know, and I remember again, talking either to my sponsor, or to my sponsor sponsor about it. And they said, Do you want to eat? And I said, No, I don't, I've got this terrible craving. I don't want to eat. I just don't. And I didn't have to. And so for me, my spiritual experience is the educational variety. I was thinking about it today. And I was thinking every time Tony shares he usually says, Let go and let God. Everytime Tina shares, she talks about God a lot. My sponsor, shares talks about God a lot. Her, sponsor shares, and talks about God a lot. And I love that. You know, I love it when people talk about their spiritual experience and what worked for them and what they've found. And that's worked for me too. And so for me, it doesn't mean that you get immune from life happening. Because that's what I used to want in the substances and the behaviors, I wanted to be free from pain and discomfort, because I couldn't cope with it. And I probably had worse things happen to me in recovery. As far as happen, the stuff that happens ,life, things that happen, you know, I can't control those things in recovery, those things, there's worse things that have happened to me. And and what I've found with it is this, you know, I have a, I have a spiritual solution. I have this program, and I have a way. And but recently, I, you know, people talk about that cunning, baffling and powerful disease. And it's never about the substance for me these days, but it's about the thinking the overthinking and trying to fix it myself and things that have happened that I haven't wanted to happen and that I've tried to fix and it's I just do know that that disease is just sitting there because it's, it's that justifiable, okay, we had better find a solution for this, and it's not my job, you know, it just isn't. It's very, I find it very easy to forget, you know, that it is about Let go and let God and one moment at a time living in the now that actually, my experience has been is that nothing I've thought about has been fixed. You know, nothing I've focused on to try and fix myself has actually been fixed. It's actually living this program as a way of life is where the solution has been for me, and so I will just finish on... It's very hard to talk about, there's so much I could talk about, about recovery, you know, and what that is for me, and I do love my life. You know, I have, you know, my husband is still with me, and that wasn't going to be happening way back. And I have a really fortunate life. And I think the thing I could say the most is that I'm able to see beauty in life. You know where I couldn't before. You know, I'm just able to appreciate you just nature and all its beauty and in people in animals. You know, I was at the dog park again today, which is Charlie's happy place our little dog. But it's also my happy place. If you ever want to go to a happy place go to a dog park because it's just like, it's just joy. It's just they're all enjoying themselves. It's just lovely. But Kerry said to me the other day, you know, Kerry has done lots of things that I'm proud of Kerry for. One of them is that he's been a donor for some families. And we've just had a new little grandchild born couple of weeks ago, little James Kerry's got three little boys now to different families and just such a gift for those families and they're lovely families. But Kerry was just saying to me, the oldest of his children who's three and a half. Kerry said that the parent one of the parents was talking to Kerry the other day and said that the biggest joy for them about all of this because they know what Kerry is like, is having me and Paul in their lives, and it's not lost on me, you know that? Those joys, it's not something that I ever would have had, if I was eating I would not have that...you know, and and that is just being available to those people and and just the simple things that we know how to do. But I could never have done that on my own. And so I'm very grateful, very grateful for all of you for the sponsors and the people that do the service and the people that come to meetings and give me my treatment and and yeah for all the joy that I get given here so I'll keep coming. Thank you.