Joanne L.

This story has been recorded at an Addictive Eaters Anonymous meeting in New Zealand. You can email us at contact@AEAnz.org
I'm Joanne, I'm an addictive eater. On the way here, I was thinking, ‘oh my gosh, what's something different that I can share?‘, because this is my thinking, ‘people get so bored with hearing my story again‘, you know. And I thought, ‘actually, I never get sick of hearing people's stories for all the time that I've been coming‘. I still love and never ever feel bored or think, ‘oh my God, here we go again!‘. No, like, I've never been anywhere else where I have heard something repetative and thought ‘oh, my gosh, why are they talking about that again?‘ I come to these meetings, you know, day after day, year after year. And I still love listening to the sharing. So I do not know what is going to come out of my mouth. I am tired, and that's okay. So I read, I was reading a little bit of a story in the back of the big book, I can't even remember what what story it was. But there was one line that caught me and it said, ‘I was brought back to life.‘ And I it it struck me because that is exactly what I‘ve felt. When I came here, even before I stopped eating, I felt like I had been brought back to life, that something in my life was going to get better and that it wasn't going to be you know, a life like waking up every single morning, you know, just with so much anger, so much dismay, and guilt and shame, and self hatred and loneliness, and all of those things that are about self. And I thought I was going to be like that, for the rest of my life. My friend gave me a book. And there was another bit that I read earlier, something about making sure that the people that you meet that within their soul after meeting you, you have bought a lot more to their life. That they remember you as somebody that is you know, positive and loving and giving. And that no matter how much fear or struggle, daily struggles you have, that you attack the fear, that's what it was called ‘attack the fear‘. And you leave them better off for meeting them. And I remember and I am pretty sure that when I was in this disease and waking up every morning and going through my day feeling like that, and not knowing how on earth to get out of feeling and living like that, that there wouldn't have been people that I inspired or that I thought you know, that I bought things to their life, you know, that they were happy to have me, for me to be around them. And that I was giving to situations, you know, like, what I learned here is that it doesn't matter if you feel anxious and you feel fearful and you're not in a good space, that if you go to a function or you are around family or you're around friends, see what you can take, see what you can give, see what you can do. It's about the changes in life. I was thinking driving here about gratitude. And you know, I again, in the disease I was not able to see the good things around me. I didn't see anything good about my childhood. You know, I have children, a house, husband, and I complained a lot. You know, I really I really, really did. And you know, things weren't easy. But what started happening was that I started seeing things, lots and lots of problems, and not lots of solutions. And I can still have some of those same, and I do have lots of problems. I mean, coming into recovery doesn't mean that everything is as you know, resolved and that you go through life and you don't have problems. It's about daily things come up. But actually, I don't have to be that negative person and just see all the problems. I still, I get to see things that I can be grateful for. Do you know one of the silliest things that I feel grateful for? It probably sounds silly saying this. But you know, when I, when I sit down and have a pee? Do you know I think, ‘Oh, my God, how lucky am I that I can actually just sit down on this toilet and do this?‘ Honestly, I really do. Because some people actually can't. No, some people actually cannot just sit down on the toilet. And have a pee, I actually felt like that. So, you know, I would not have if you could just have you know how many times you go to the toiler during the day that every time you sit on that toilet that you feel ungrateful - that's way more than what I did way back when I had the disease! And the other thing that I always that always comes to mind, and I always feel grateful for and I always say to Lou is, you know, at nighttime, and especially in the winter. ‘Aren't we lucky?‘ And I just all the time, feel very, very grateful for having a house, being warm. You know, like, I went to the city mission today. And I went to pick up a food parcel for someone. And while I'm waiting there, there‘s cars pulling in and they're picking up food parcels. And, you know, I don't want to be judgmental. But one young girl, you know, they're lovely they're at the City Mission. And I started feeling emotional, just standing there watching cars pulling in and the great work that the people at the city mission do. And they‘re so friendly, and they're so kind and they‘re handing out the food parcels. And this one girl that, you know, was taking the boxes, you know, she didn't even say she didn't even say thank you. She didn't smile, you know, and I don't believe it was through embarrassment or anything. It's actually just not something to say thank you for. And, you know, I said ‘em, you know thanked them, you know, for the work that they did. But I'm really just, I thought when I finish working, that‘s what I want to give of myself, you know is to do the work and I would love to work in a city mission and try and help people. You know, for nothing. If I won lotto. That's what I would, I could see myself doing that sort of stuff. And you know, I just felt emotional and I'm thinking, ‘Oh, is it just because I'm actually tired?‘ But nah, it's just because I'm human. When I sit down here tonight, and I looked around, I started getting emotional again. You know, it was because I've looked around and I thought, and I felt FRIENDS, you know, like friends and fellowship that it doesn't matter what I talk about and what I go through that everybody here knows. So, yeah, a lot a lot of things to be grateful for and just the simplest, simplest things... I felt like life was very, very hard and a lot of doom and gloom. And I think about this disease and my own experience. And working, you know, now working with a lot of people that have addiction and trauma. It is a such a hard, hard life to live. And you know, I don't want to forget that you know, there weren't days in between where I didn't where I had days where I didn't have that struggle of not eating, trying to burn off calories, on and off the scales, very self conscious about body,
moods all over the place. Because it's so far away from that. Like I came into these meetings not knowing that there was an answer here and seeing it in other people. And, you know, I came for a good couple of years, and had very a very, very brief time, where I was able to work and eat on a food plan. And I thought that I thought I had it. Well, I don't know what I thought, I think I had a period of about four months where I was eating on a food plan. And I don't know, nothing, keep them, but I ended up eating again. And, you know, I continued to eat for a good couple of years. And I used to come into meetings, and you know, I would drive to meetings. And I would have been eating all day, and I‘d drive to meetings, and I‘d get halfway I‘d get into Papanui, and I was coming from North Canterbury, you know, turn my car around thinking ‘I cannot go to a meeting - that is too embarrassing.‘ And I‘d think ‘you don't have anywhere else to go‘, and I‘d turn the car around, and I'd start driving back to the meeting. And I'd be thinking, ‘Oh, my God, I'm going to have to go to a meeting‘. And I just wanted to shrivel under the chair, because I didn't want to say, I thought people were going to think ‘you are so useless, that you can't get this program, that you can't stop eating‘. And I didn't want to tell people that, you know, I'd been eating again, I sat in the meeting, but I you know, it was encouraraged that I actually had to share that. And, you know, so I did. And, you know, that continued for such a long time. I you know, I was, I thought I was one of the poor unfortunates that Kay always mentions, you know, in the big book, I thought I'm one of those poor unfortunates who is never going to get this program. And I used to cry. Because I would be down on my knees every single morning, praying to get through the day without eating. And I couldn't. I actually couldn't. And my eating usually started in the afternoon. But as time went on, it started in the morning. No, and a good day for me would have been if I didn't have breakfast, and I walked the kids to school and the whole time I walked them to school, I'd be thinking about the calories I'm burning off. And you know, every day, it was just the same old thing. So when I'd been eating, you know, that anger I took out on my children. Because I was just Iso hopeless. Like I just ended up having no, no hope. And it was just, I just felt so angry. And but I remember I remember just keeping on coming to meetings, and I think I was coming to 4 meetings. Now I had I had little kids, I bought a baby to meetings. And you know, there was a period of time before I had him that I was on a food plan. And I remember going home from a meeting, you know, getting home about half past nine. And then Leonie was away. And I was talking to ringing Kay. And I remember leaving the meeting, and that night by midnight, I had a baby. I rung Kay the next day and says ‘well, I've got the baby‘, which was actually a little bit of disbelief (laughs). I was eating by that afternoon, you know, I just could not, not eat and wasn't because I had a baby was because I had this disease of addiction. And, you know, it was more eating. And, you know, what a hell place to be in you know, and, you know, being pregnant when you're so body conscious is not a good mix either. So, you know, after coming here for a couple of years, the last time that I remember having the obsession to eat was when my children were little and I can still I can picture it so clearly that we had an open plan living house and I was in the kitchen. 3 children, you know, running around making noises playing fighting and it was just like this tunnel vision. And all I could what I relate it to is when I was on the oxygen having kids. And you're so spaced out that it when people talk, it goes, ‘wah, wah, wah wah‘ in the background. I's exactly what it was like, just the tunnel vision. And you could hear their mumbled voices, like, you know, this space talk, you know, in the background. And I wanted that food so bad that was on the bench. And I was crying because my body, and I wanted it so much. And for the first time, I kind of seen, my life flashed before me that things were not gonna change and things were not going to get better. You know, every day arguing with Wayne, arguing with kids, having them crying, you know, it was just... that snap where you get so angry, where I was throwing things, and it was just awful. And that was the first time that I could kind of see that things were just not going to change. And I‘d heard people talk about wanting not to eat, more than what you wanted to eat. And that's what happened. And I didn't eat. And I rung my sponsor. And you know, I haven't had that obsession to eat again, it was there the day before, it was there, right at that point, right at that point, I had the obsession really, really bad. And I didn't eat. And from the moment, that moment, when that obsession passed you know, I haven't had that back again. That's yeah, God that is such a miracle. You know that is really, really is a miracle, something that I could not control on my own. I absolutely get when it talks in the big book about being beyond, you know, beyond human aid, yeah, beyond human aid, because I knew that I wasn't, you know, I knew that I was. And that the only way... I didn't know for me that a higher power was going to remove that obsession. But I knew that people that were coming into meetings after me and everybody, most people that were in the meetings had had that obsession removed. So I knew it worked for others, but I thought it wasn't going to work for me. And I remember going to meetings after that and being so fearful that at any minute, I was going to get that obsession back and then I'd end up eating again. Because I just did not want to go back to that hell of what it was like. Even the hard days - you know and lots still, I've had lots of hard days - even the hardest hardest hardest days in recovery never had a patch on what those days are like eating and struggling and not having a solution. So I feel you know just really really, really lucky that I found found all you people and heard your stories and wanted it. You know like I just really really want recovery
Now every day brings about you know more acceptance in life and more acceptance on life's terms and people around me and you know, it's nothing new to you know, I still go through really hard times with with Jacob and being able to accept you know, where things are for him, you know, it's always you know, I need I am learning that actually, I need to accept that actually I'm, I can be, you know, I can be upset. I'm a mother. You know, I actually don't have to be anyone that I'm not. You know, and I'm a mother who actually gets heartbroken. Like most parents do. Where I need my the acceptance to come and what I'm realizing more and more is the acceptance around, that he might actually not get, well, that he might not get better. And that actually he is where he is. And that is how it is. And
you know, I've tried to let, to let him go, you know, and letting go is the answer and relying on a higher power. My picture, wrapping, him wrapping Jacob up and, you know, carrying him you know that kind of back to safety. And I don't know, I don't actually know what's going to happen. But I have lots of days where I don't that doesn't come to my mind, like, naturally, I've got to try and think about that. And sometimes that's through tears, you know, and, and no one wants to think that they're, well seeing their boy homeless and walking around the streets. It's a bloody hideous disease when you see the depths of where it actually takes people, you know, and still, possibly not wanting well, not wanting help and choosing more that actually just sleeping on the streets. And I just, you know, it could have been any any one of us. I thank God that actually my substance is not anything like meth, any any sort of drugs and substance is awful, but that meth is absolutely, that's awful. And even without meth, the same thing would be happening. But yeah, to get myself to a place, you know, over the last couple of weeks, every time I've thought about him or every time I've felt sad, I've had to whistle you know, and I'm not a good whistler. And it probably looks really bad when people are driving past with me with my puckered lips but I have to whistle. And I whistle, just one, you know (whistles). And it takes my thinking away from thinking, because it brings me back to the now and it makes me concentrate on this really awful noise. And I did drama and the bagpipes and this was worst than those bagpipes! But you know, it actually works. And it brings me back to focus in, it dries my weepy eyes. And, you know, I just refocus and get on with what I'm doing. And the other thing that I learned very early on when I is that as soon as I start helping someone else, I forget about myself. And that's exactly what I do. Just put the next foot forward. What I've learned here, focus on helping somebody else and what do you know, another hour‘s gone and another hour‘s gone where actually I'm not thinking about how sad things are and that's all I can do. And that to me is just accepting that, uou know, it's gonna be sad, but actually next foot in front of the other. You'll be right, you get through the day, head on the pillow, another day, and another day. So, yeah, a lot to be grateful for, and especially this fellowship and I talked way too long because we're only an hour this meeting. Thank you.